01x08 - One Size Fits All

[bunniefuu]

Today we start weight training.

For the first two weeks we will
do universal weights

and after that aerobics.

- Hey. Check out the amazons.
- Oh. I'd love to see

the trail of broken thigh masters
those legs left behind.

Wyatt.

Why don't you come
demonstrate the bench press?

Ouch. Direct hit.

[ Grunting )

- [ Laughter )
- Catherine.

Could you come help us a second?

Wyatt seems to be having
a little trouble lifting.

Could you show him a few presses?

Sure.

Plant yourself solid on the
bench feet on the floor.

Push evenly with your arms.

Careful not to left with your back.

That's pretty much it.

Wyatt, this is all men.
Where are the chicks?

- That is a chick.
- Oh. Nice pecs.

Look at this. I'm pathetic.

What girl would go out
with a guy who looks like this?

Women today want more
than just a good body.

They want humor, compassion,
and sensitivity.

What a load. I wish women
would tell the truth about this.

I was lying. Today, more than ever

women are looking for men
with a sculpted, hard body.

Enormous genitals
don't hurt either.

TV: ...for a harder you a leaner you...

Lisa, I need your help.

I want one of those
exercise machines.

That's what I need:
a body women drool over.

- And I'll work for it.
- You got it.

Well, Wyatt, here it is
everything you need

for a harder you a learner you,
a brand-new you.

Let's do it.

Come on, Wyatt.

Go on. Dig in.

You can do it.

I'm going to let go now.

Would you leave my calendar alone?

It's supposed to last
a year, not a day.

Sorry. Thought
I'd expand my vocabulary.

All right, Wyatt,
let's check you out.

So what do you think?

- I can't lift my arms.
- I can see a difference.

- You look really buff.
- Yeah?

- Truth?
- Pathetic.

- Your chest seems even more sunken...
- Thank you!

That thing is a big waste of time.

It's going to take months
to get pumped.

Months? Try years.

I'm not going back into that
weight room without muscles.

If you want a great body now,
then that's what you'll get.

You torched my clothes!

You wanted a great body,
so I gave you a great body.

Here. Try it on.

One size fits all.

[ Grunting )

- What do you think?
- It's not what I had in mind.

Well, you have to zip it up.

[ Rumbling )

[ Groaning )

What's happening to me?

[ Giggling )

Check it out. I am buff!

What are people going to
say when they notice

- I suddenly have muscles?
- Nothing.

You see, you've got a natural
advantage working for you.

You're a nobody.
When they see you with muscles

they'll be seeing you
for the first time.

Hi.

Uh, remember me?

No.

Um, I never lifted before

and I was sort of hoping
that you could spot me?

Sure. Whatever.

I think you should
unload that first.

Is it supposed to be this easy?

That's amazing.

- Go.
- ALL: Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go.

Go.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for spotting me.

GIRL: Oww!

- Hi.
- Hi.

[ Wolf Whistle )

This is awesome. Every babe
in the school wants your body.

Some of this has
to trickle down to me.

Hey, wait up. You put on
quite a show back there.

Maybe we could train
together some time.

Uh, no thanks. I like
to work out at home, alone.

Okay. Guess I'll see you around.

- What?
- One of the slickest babes

in school came up to you and said,
"Hi. I think you're pretty hot

"and I want you to ask me out."

You replied in the unspoken language
of love "I don't date girls."

No way would she
ever come on to me.

You're arms are
bigger than my neck.

You're not you anymore.
You're Super Wyatt.

You can get any girl--
including her.

Do the deed. Ask her out.

Hey! Hi.

Oh, hi.

Look, uh...
Do you want to go out sometime?

- Huh?
- I said, do you want workout sometime?

Like you were asking,
training together?

Sure. I just hope I can keep up.

How about tomorrow?

Nice choke.

Working out is still technically a man.

Oh-- somebody discovered
shoulder pads.

Are you going to get your
weenie-butts sacked in chess club?

- Hi, Chett.
- Mom told me to wash the car,

but wouldn't you know it?

I'm not in a car-washing mood.

My guess is you are.

Wash the car, w*nk*r boy.

This looks like a job
for Super Wyatt.

[ Bugle Playing "Charge" )

[ Karate Yells )

Holy monkeys!

I don't like being
talked to that way, Chett.

Not now, not ever.

He's asking nicely [ Sniffing )

and how about a courtesy flush, huh?

You think that scares me?

That doesn't scare me.

I've spent a lifetime
putting my head through walls.

Oh, h*, h*, h*. You're dead.

I don't know what you're
amped up on, cud-boy.

- But I can sit down.
- Oh, really?

- Give it your best shot.
- Famous last words.

[ Crunching )

Chett, is there any chance
you're in a car-washing mood now?

I'll do it this once...
[ Whimpers )

but not because you want me to...

but because the car is dirty
and if there's one thing

I can't stand it's a dirty car.

That suit is awesome.
You got to let me borrow it.

[ Imitating Schwarzenegger: )
Like a heat-seeking muscle m*ssile

I will seek out and
terminate my enemies.

Good Afternoon. I'm the
one who sent the invitations.

You are all the jerks that have
made my short life a living hell.

Does this mean we're not going
to get the free VCRs?

You-- Bonomo--
you shoved me off my bike.

In the fourth grade.
My skin's never been the same.

You-- Jergens--
you put a "kick me" sign

on my back in the sixth grade.
I still cramp up on cold days.

You-- Wendy-- You got
the wrong invitation.

I'm having this group
oil-rub thing next saturday.

- I hope you can make it.
- Okay.

So, you still don't remember me.
I'm Gary Wallace

but you all probably
know me as... Mr. Wussy?

Mop top?

Oh, yeah. Pipe cleaner boy?

I remember pipe cleaner boy.

You said I would never get a date.

Well, you were wrong.

- I'd like you to my meet girlfriend.
- Hi, everyone.

I'm Lisa, I'm Gary's girlfriend,
and I'm 100% sexually satisfied.

Gary has found ways to
arouse and fulfill me

that no other man
could ever duplicate.

Get the picture?
You see, the tables have turned.

I'm the winner and
you're the losers.

Any non-believers can step
forward and I'll prove my point.

Spare me the freak show.

I don't have time for this.

You're not going to
insult us by leaving, are you?

It's either that or I pound
your face in-- scuzz bucket.

Ah, "scuzz bucket--"
that old chestnut.

So you do remember me.

Now you're going to see what
it feels like to be the wussy.

What's all the hubbub...

I don't have any rough-housing.

If you find it necessary to
settle your differences

like animals take it to the zoo--

Well, not literally, of course.

They don't allow fighting either.

This isn't over.
I'm still going to hurt you.

I look forward to it.

- Uh, excuse me, miss, uh...?
- Miss Graham.

- I'm subbing today in civics.
- Yes, of course. Miss Graham.

Well, although there is no written
dress code you might be

making it difficult for the boys to,
uh... focus on their studies.

I consider that a double standard
especially coming from you.

I'm afraid I don't understand.

Superintendent!
What a pleasant surprise.

[ Imitating Schwarzenegger: )
I will crush your head

with my fingers, Ted.

That is how very strong I am.

- WYATT: Hey, Gary?
- In here.

Oh, good.
Did you bring the suit back?

- Yeah, but it's my day for it.
- No. No.

- I have my date with Catherine.
- A day-date?

- Who has a day-date?
- We're going hiking.

You'll have to reschedule the
pummeling.

So, where's the suit?

It's finishing up in the dry cycle.

I thought I'd wash it.

It was getting pretty stinky.

What? I used fabric softener.

[ Screams )

It's completely ruined.

Didn't you read the tag?

It's a magic suit of living muscles.

It doesn't come
with washing instructions.

Of course, it does.

"Dry clean only.
Do not machine wash."

- Son of a g*n.
- Hey, guys.

How's the... Shredded muscle suit?

- The bonehead washed it.
- Didn't you read the tag?

Look, we could spend
all day talking about

who didn't read what tag
or get on with our lives.

Ted's going to k*ll Gary.

And Catherine won't go out
with me looking like this.

Well, Gary can talk to Ted
reason with him.

And as far as Catherine goes
try it without the muscles.

Show her the real you.
Girls really respond to honesty.

Truth.

Catherine's going to blow you off
so you're going to have to fake it.

It's your only chance.

And Ted's going
to cream you big-time.

Hold still.

Your pecs are a little uneven.

This stuff is so itchy.

There. Finished.

Okay, Lis.

I did the hard past.

Now all I'm asking for is a little
magic just to get it all back together.

Please?

That's all the help
you'll get from me.

And by the way you need
a nipple there, not a kneecap.

- Ooh. Catch.
- Okay, guys.

What do you think?

The truth.

- Very hot.
- Great.

He's going to be
very hot wearing that.

I haven't forgotten our
little car-washing incident.

You caught me off guard.

But this time... I'll spare you
your tongue so you can dial 911.

- [ Shrieking )
- Go ahead, Chett.

Nunchaku away.
You'll probably beat me

to a pulp just like you did last time.

Oh. oh, that's right.
I kicked your butt last time.

- Remember?
- Rah!

Mess with me again and
I will inflict such mind-numbing

pain you will regret the day
that I was ever born.

Spine... searing... pain.

[ Screams )

Let's get one thing straight.

I'm not leaving because I'm scared.

Leaving because I'm scared
of what I might do to you

'cause you were born a wussy
you are a wussy

and you will always be
a wussy!

And... just wait till I tell Dad

you punched a hole
in the bathroom wall.

How you doing back there?

I'm so hot!

Why did you get all dressed up
like you're doing to church?

When you said "hike" I thought
you meant, you know... downhill.

Why don't we rest
or even turn back?

I got a great hiking
simulator on my computer.

- I'm not into computers.
- We could eat.

We passed a burger hut.

I don't eat junk food.

No computers? No junk food?

I'm guessing you've never been
to a Star Trek convention?

GARY: Lisa?

You think this thing
will hold together?

Maybe I should have
double-stitched.

It will be fine. Zip it up.

- [ Zipping )
- [ Screaming )

Gary? Gary, you okay?

Yeah. I just caught
myself in the zipper.

We made it!
Don't you feel great?

[ Panting ) A swimming hole!

- Can we drink it?
- Drink it?

I've got a better idea.
Let's go swimming.

You mean... get undressed?
I don't have my bathing suit.

- Me neither.
- [ Whimpers )

I can't do this
becasue I can't...

take off my clothes
in front of you.

- Why not?
- Uh...

- I think we have to break up.
- What?

- This is our first date.
- I don't think it's going to work out.

We're very different people.

And we definitely
shouldn't be naked together.

When did you come up with this?

Somewhere around 7,000 feet.

We were having fun.

We were, but...
you got to understand.

Um, I've been
down this road before:

girls who only want to
go out with me because

I have this great body
always coming up

with excuses for me
to take my shirt off.

Wyatt, I don't care
about your body.

I mean, it's nice,
but I've seen better.

Really? So you don't care
if I have muscles or not?

Give me a little credit.
It's the complete person that counts.

It's not as if you like me
just because I'm pretty.

- No. Of course not.
- Then let's go swimming.

Great. Because I am sweating
like a pig in here.

See, I thought you only liked
buff guys so I stuffed my clothes.

Pretty crazy, huh?
I am so relieved!

I can finally show you the real me!

For the first in my life I'm not
embarrassed about my body.

Come on! Let's get wet!

All right, Ted,
you no-neck little weenus.

I'm ready for you.

And I'm ready for you...
scuzz bucket.

Don't call me that.

[ Grunting )

[ Electricity Crackling )

- [ Screams )
- That's right.

Run away, you little punk.
And if you ever mess

with me again
you'll be crawling home.

Be a problem.

I had a great time at the
falls this weekend.

- Yeah, me too.
- I'm glad we got past

that perfect body stuff.
I can't tell you how comfortable

I feel knowing
that I can be myself.

Uh-huh.
Gary, you know Catherine,

my, um... girlfriend?

- Hi.
- Hi.

So... you want to go back
to the falls this weekend?

Uh, I don't know. This weekend?

I'll call you. I will.

Did you hear that?

We're going out again this weekend.

Does she dig me or what?

What can I say?

She digs you.

- Truth.
- Wyatt, I hate to tell you this but... - Lie.

Catherine will love you
till the end of time.

That's all I wanted to hear.