02x08 - The Christ Figure

[bunniefuu]

And coming in at number three
on the Arky Rankings:

Symone Champagne.

Aw, I wanted to be number une.

And fresh off discovering
Charles Dickens'

first draft
of A Christmas Carol,

where Tim is huge,

at number two,
it's Bella Torres.

She's been on a hot streak

ever since returning
from the dead.

I wouldn't be surprised,
if next week,

- she's number one.
- C'est n'importe quoi.

And continuing his
reign atop the Arky Rankings:

Zane Troy!

Ridicule.

Blanc or rouge?

Hmm.

Bonjour?

Is someone there?

It was only le cat.

Le shitballs!

Hmm.

Okay, I know I can do this.

Whip and yank!

Okay, let's try it again.

Just because I can never
become a full arky

doesn't mean I can't become
the best assistant arky ever.

Whip and yank!

Ugh! I'm just not getting
the hang of this.

What if an actual mannequin
attacks me with a banana?

Who likes freshly baked muffins?

- Woo-hoo!
- You have to tell me

- how they taste.
- Mmm. Rip, they're divine,

as always.

You got to tell me
that secret ingredient.

Nuh-uh-uh! A chef never tells.

Hey, everyone!

Guess who got engaged!

I was wondering

when you'd pop the question.

Cornelia is one lucky woman.

- Ooh! You shocked me.
- Yeah, well,

the human body's
a good conductor of electricity.

Now, Rip, there's something
I got to ask you.

Will you walk me down the aisle?

Of course I will,
my dear friend.

All right! I'm feeling sky-high!

You know what?
This is the happiest I've been

in a long time.

Well, not everything is perfect.

I still can't do
the whip-and-yank.

I'm sure you'll master it
soon enough,

if you spent
more time practicing

and less time putting on puppet
shows using your whip handle.

How dare you say that
to Miss Hiss.

♪ Hiss, hiss, hiss ♪

Yes, things are certainly great!

And they're about to get better.

That was the Louvre.
They want to hire you for a job.

Well, that's tremendous!

But, wait, isn't Symone
Champagne their head arky?

- I guess she's on vacation.
- You see, this is why

I always preach the grind set
mindset mentality, Swooper.

If you're not on your hustle,
someone else will be.

I'm learning, I'm learning.

Let's do it!

Avec plaisir.

You got another job!

And landing at number ten on
the Arky Rankings: Rip Digman!

His first appearance
on the Top Ten in over a decade.

To us! And my long-awaited
return to the Arky Rankings!

May many more RumChatas
befall our lips

in the mirthful moons to come.

- All right.
- Not to rain on the parade,

but aren't you
a little suspicious?

All those museums have
in-house arkies.

Why do they keep turning to us
with assignments?

Because their arkies
were on vacation.

I don't see
what the big deal is.

You don't think
it's the slightest bit odd

that all of the arkies
in the Arky Rankings Top Ten

are on vacation
at the same time?

Not all of them.
Bella's on there,

and I'm getting coffee
with her at 1:59 tomorrow.

I'm sure there's nothing
to worry about.

Bella didn't show up

for our coffee.
She must have been kidnapped.

Or k*lled!
Those are the only two options!

I think that's a bit
of a leap, but I'm glad

you're lending credence
to my theory.

So, someone is disappearing
arkies. Who would do that?

It can only be one person: Zane.

He's eliminating anyone
who might threaten his place

atop the Arky Rankings.

- Why would he do that?
- Oh, my God, Saltine.

Do you not even know how much
money you make in endorsements

if you're the number one arky?

We're talking copious skrilla,
my dude!

Now let's go confront
that b*stard.

Rip Digman. Sorry,
I'm on my way out the door.

I'm meeting up
with my secret society

to watch The Eligible Arkyette.

No problemo. We're just here
to see and possibly k*ll Zane.

- NBD.
- No can do. Zane's on vacation.

"Sorry I didn't say goodbye,

"but I'm taking
a mental health break.

- Back soon, bruv."
- Huh, this seems suspicious.

Do you have
the security camera footage

from his last day of work?

Does a bear sh*t in toilets

I invented specifically
for turning bear sh*t

into fossil fuel?

Follow me.

Put this on.
My security cameras record

in high-tech smell-o-vision.

Okay, but you better not
show us Skunks: The Movie.

- Mm, mm.
- Ugh.

I hate the smell
of Zane's signature scent.

It's just a rip-off
of my old cologne,

Ketchup Smell by Rip.

Oh, my smell-o-vision goggles!

Zane was kidnapped!

That is what's been happening
to all of the top arkies!

Wait, I know that smell.

It's a mix of winged bellflower
and mallow bindweed,

unique to one place on Earth.

Good morning, arkies.

Have any of you
reconsidered my offer?

No arky on Earth
would agree to your demands.

Then the t*rture shall continue.

For years,
you have put relics in museums

to be ogled by mindless
museumgoers day in and day out.

- So what?
- Yeah.

So now that you yourselves
are confined,

how would you like it
if a relic were to look at you?

No! You sick f*ck!

I am so proud I thought of this.

Breathe it in, Saltine.

Recognize that smell?

A mix of winged bellflower

- and mallow bindweed!
- Precisely.

Our kidnapper
must be around here somewhere.

Rip Digman.

It's been a while
since last we met.

Oh! Um, hey, you!

Good to see you again.

I have
no f*cking idea who this is.

Wow, it's been a while, huh?

When was the last time
we saw each other?

Never seen
this creep in my life.

So what's new?
Bail me out here, Saltine.

I'm basically dying
of embarrassment.

Do you remember the last time
you were here, Rip Digman?

Christ Figure here!
Get your Christ Figures!

Here it is, the Christ Figure!

Rip, are you in position?

- Affirmative, my true love.
- Father?

May I begin my confession?

sh*t, I'm delayed.

Someone actually wants
confession.

Well, get rid of them. Fast.

I steal toilet paper
from my office.

Okay. Um, you should...

k*ll yourself?

- We're all clear.
- Question. Wasn't this artifact

donated to the Smithsonian

before it "mysteriously" went
missing and ended up here?

- Um...
- Follow-up question.

Mind if I take it for a spin?

- Ha-ha!
- Security!

There's no escape, you fool.

What the...?

We got it! Let's go!

Zane, the shovel!

Leave no trace!

You didn't see nothin', kid.

I still don't see why I had
to wear this humiliating costume

- just to be the lookout.
- Because this was

a high-intensity situation
and we needed the comic relief!

Swooper, go!

My mother

ran the gift stand
in front of the church.

But after you stole the Christ
Figure, we lost everything.

We couldn't even afford
a doctor.

Some say my mom died

because she was bitten
by a poisonous long-nosed viper.

But I know she died
of a broken heart.

Remember this, Mr. Digman?

That's
the 1997 silver half-dollar

I flipped to that kid
I knew I would never see again.

- Well, that kid was...
- I wonder who it's gonna be.

...me.

Before she died,
I swore to my mother

that I, Vindita,

would return the Christ Figure
to its rightful home.

- It belongs to the Smithsonian.
- Ha!

All you arkies are the same.

You love to dig,
but you never dig deep enough.

Follow me.

Hey, everyone! Guess who's here

to save you!

Oh, not this guy!

I kidnapped all the top arkies

and tried to convince them
to steal the Christ Figure,

and they all refused.

Because arkies put artifacts

into museums, not take them out.

We swore an oath to Yorbo.

Why not just steal it yourself?

The Smithsonian
never even put it on display.

It's hidden away in their
ultra-secure storage archives.

So that's why you were
kidnapping the top ten arkies.

Okay, somebody explain
this whole thing to me.

The Smithsonian allows anyone
on the Arky Top Ten

to access their archives
for research purposes.

Got it. And "arky," that's short
for "archaeologist"?

And now that you are
on the Top Ten, Mr. Digman,

you can just waltz
into the archives

and retrieve
the Christ Figure for me.

- Fine, I will.
- No, you can't trust her!

But if I do, you have
to promise to let everyone go.

It's a deal.
But any funny business

and they all die.

Of old age? JK, JK.
I know what you were saying.

It would be so hilarious though
if that's what you meant.

Don't you agree?

Arky Top Ten confirmed.

Welcome, Mr. Digman.
I understand

you're here today
to see the Christ Figure,

one of my favorite pieces
in our collection.

Indeed, indeed.

We'd be more than happy to show
it to you for research purposes.

Of course, you can't leave
the facility with it.

Me? I wouldn't think of it.

The very thought
nearly sends me into a tizzy.

Truly a remarkable piece.

It's made of dilonium crystal,

one of the rarest and most
pyroelectric materials on Earth.

Yes. 'Tis wonderful, indeed.

This is certainly helping
my research.

And may I ask, what kind
of research are you doing?

Uh, copious amounts,
to be certain, yeah.

My favorite quantity
of research.

You're a man after my own heart.

Yes, yes, this is
certainly assisting my research.

I certainly may be
examining this

for a good long while, you know?

I'm more than happy to wait.

Indeed, indeed.
Hey, what's that over there?!

I can tell
by the direction you're pointing

it's our new Etruscan cauldron.

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So what's over that way?!

In that particular direction,
it could be but one thing:

our 14th century Ming vase.

Oh, that's
also completely interesting.

Something scary is behind you!

I'm so glad you've noticed
our new hannya mask

from the Edo period.

Hey, Saltine. What do you think
of my new earring?

It's cool. You look good.

Cornelia gave it to me.

It means so much to me.

Swooper, start the chopper!

- Oh, crap!
- Rip, grab the rope ladder!

Just take the Christ Figure!

Whip and yank! Whip and yank!

Saltine!

Whip and yank!

Ow!

I've got something

you can research.

Human jaw pain!

He's free! Take off!

I got the Christ Figure!

Wait a second.
Swooper, where's your earring?

I almost don't recognize you
without it!

It's gone!

I tore it off
with my botched whip-and-yank.

There, there, good buddy.
I know it meant so much to you.

I just miss it, you know?

I know I'll feel better someday.
I know that.

But I'm so sad right now.

There's nothing I can say
that'll make you feel better.

But the world appreciates
your sacrifice.

Don't worry. It's all going
according to the plan.

Yoo-hoo!
We got the Christ figure!

Mr. Digman.

You've played
right into the palm of my hand,

which I've been told
is abnormally soft and cold.

This figurine is
made of dilonium crystals.

That's the rarest and most
pyroelectric material on Earth!

And the only thing
that can power

my long-range, ultra-destructive
laser cannon.

Or as I call it,
the History Maker.

I'm going to incinerate
every museum on the planet.

Now throw them in the cell
with the others.

But that's cheating!

- You moron!
- I told you not to trust her!

And now it's time
for my network television debut.

This is
the hardest shovel ceremony yet.

On this journey,

I've developed a deep connection
with all of you.

- And us you.
- I wonder

- who she's going to pick.
- My money's on Yedward the Yeti.

Hello, world.
Sorry to interrupt.

What is this?

For years, museums have stolen
artifacts without consequence.

Until now.

As retribution for their crimes,

I am going to destroy
every major museum on Earth,

starting with one
of the most beloved of all:

the U2 Museum
in Dublin, Ireland.

In the name
of love, why?!

Wow, they got a photo of Bono.

Huh, I've always wondered
what he looks like.

No! We just installed an exhibit
about the music they make.

And as my refracting satellite
continues

to move into position,
I'll destroy the rest!

Now back to your show.

By the way, I think
Ximena will pick Blueberry.

He treats her like a queen.

I'm sorry, Snerdly Tootbottom.

Can I walk you out?

Oh, poor me.

Okay, look,
clearly we all screwed up.

"We"? You're the one
that handed her

- the dilonium crystal.
- Well, no one stopped me,

even though you all know
I'm a people pleaser.

Guys, come on.

We're the greatest arkies
in the world.

If we use our collective
knowledge of history,

I'm sure we can find a way out.

You're absolutely right,
my ex-wife,

for whom I still pine
even though you've

made it clear
you're not interested.

Okay, now, I believe
this church was constructed

during the early fourth century.

During the reign
of Constantine the Great.

With semicircular niches
in the corners.

Where's my man?!

What the hell was that?

Cornelia!

- That's Cornelia?
- My true love.

Yes! I told her
we were coming here.

Are you okay, Swoopy-poo?

I am now that you're here,
my little corn pop.

Let's go!

Hyah!

- Stop them!
- Hyah, machete!

Hyah, whip and yank!

Take that and that!

Impressive.

I ought to give you a hand.

Let's finish this thing.

You'll have to k*ll me first.

- Okay.
- f*ck!

Hyah, leg sweep-uh!

This is so crazy.
What's going on?

I feel like we should be asking
you that question, Quail.

Why's that, Billy Themet?

The hologram that displayed
all the museum targets.

One museum was
suspiciously missing: yours.

Okay, you caught me.

Yeah, I'm trying to blow up
all of your museums.

But why, Quail?
You were one of us.

Actually, no,
I was faking this entire time.

I've been planning my revenge
on all of you

ever since you k*lled my dad.

You really thought
I was okay with that?

Guess that was pretty mean.

I met Vindita one day

as I caught her
scoping out the Eegan.

After a brief chat, I realized
we had similar goals in mind.

So I gave her a laser cannon and
financed her entire operation.

You're not gonna get away
with this.

Get off of me!

Look on my knifey and despair!

I knew I should've k*lled you
the first time I saw you.

- When I was a little kid?
- A nosy little kid, yeah!

Time to send you back.

I know what I must do.

Now to finally avenge
the death of my mother,

who, as I previously mentioned,
died from the bite of--

A longnose viper!

Saltine, Miss Hiss rescued me!

Museums are saved!

Your plan failed, Mr. Eegan.
You've lost.

Ugh. You just can't trust
supervillains these days.

Oh, well.

Self-destruct sequence

initiated.

Alexa, deactivate
self-destruct sequence.

Playing

"Deactivate Self-Destruct
Sequence" by the Watingos.

♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Please don't self-destruct ♪

♪ I love you, I guess... ♪

Oh, God, this song sucks!

We can't get out.

How can we defuse this thing?

...defuse this thing?[/i]

Come on, Slowsy!

Faster, Slowsy!

Faster!

I know you've got it in you!

Slowsy, faster!

Bye. Good job, Slowsy.

What's that, Fleety?

If I connect that red cable
to the green one,

it'll reroute the voltage
and short out the system,

disabling the self-destruct?

As usual,
thanks for being so fast.

Here you go.

Okay, Saltine, you're with me.

Bella, Swooper,
you grab the green one.

On it!

Almost there.

Hey, all this weird death stuff
has made me hungry.

Who's up for poke bowls later?

Oh, sh*t, Vendita's alive!

Die!

- Oh, crap!
- It can't reach anymore.

- C'est fini.
- We're gonna die.

As usual, you're wrong, Zane.

We are not gonna die.

Not all of us anyway.

Rip, what are you doing?

You said it yourself
way earlier, Swooper.

The human body is
a good conductor of electricity.

There's over 10,000 volts
running through that thing.

- Rip, no.
- What are you doing, Rip?

That which must be done.

Hyah, save all my friends
and colleagues!

Rip?

I can't see anything, Saltine.

- Is that you?
- Yes, Rip, it's me.

I guess it happens
to every arky.

You go from digging up history
to becoming it.

I always wanted to say that.
Saltine, I'm fading.

Promise me you'll walk
Swooper down the aisle.

I will, Rip. I will.

And tell Agatha
the secret ingredient

in my muffins is flour.

I'll tell her. Of course I will.

Saltine, I officially name you
my replacement.

Congratulations.
You're a full-blown arky now.

- Shh. Rip, you're delirious.
- No, I mean it.

If you don't pass
the arky trials,

the only other way
to become an arky

is if your boss names you

their replacement
on their deathbed.

- Is that true?
- It is.

It's true as sh*t.

You can ask Yorbo.
He'll back me up.

Wow. Thank you, Rip.

Oh, and, hey, check it out.

I finally--

I finally got
Garf's stripes right.

- Pretty good, huh?
- It's perfect.

Just remember, Saltine,
you don't have to learn

how to whip and yank
to be an arky.

You can be your own arky
in your own way.

- Thank you, Rip.
- Okay. You're welcome.

Hey, can you have Swooper
come over here for a sec now?

What is it, boss?

I just told Saltine she doesn't
need to learn how to whip,

but that was some horseshit
to make her feel better.

You got to make her
practice more.

She's so freaking boned
if she doesn't learn how to use

her whip, I don't even want
to think about it.

- I will.
- Okay, good. Thanks, buddy.

She's such trash right now
with the whip.

Ooh, hyah,

die.

Once again, Rip Digman
is dead at middle age.

Here is his in memoriam segment.

So... sorry for trying
to destroy all your museums.

I didn't even mention I was
gonna k*ll you guys as well.

Sorry for that, too.

I'll gather my stuff
from my cubby and...

Quail, there's no need.
You're all right in our book.

- I am?
- It was messed up for us to lie

about k*lling your dad
so we could all make more money.

Like, we don't regret it,
but we admit

it was sus,
so let's call it even.

Besides,
we've all tried to destroy

each other's museums
at one point or another.

Wow. So I guess
we can all move on,

even though none of us
have any reason

whatsoever to trust each other.

- That was beautiful.
- Check it out, guys.

I framed Rip's Garf.

What do you think?

- It's great, Saltine.
- I love it.

But enough of the distractions.

Time for your whip practice,
Saltine.

I know, I know.

Now, where did I leave
that thing?

Oh, that's right.
It's downstairs.

Great. I'll meet you outside.

♪ See what's become of me ♪

There it is.

See you later, Rip.

♪ Time, time, time ♪

♪ See what's become of me ♪

♪ While I looked around ♪

♪ For my possibilities ♪

♪ I was so hard to please ♪

♪ Look around ♪

♪ Leaves are brown ♪

♪ And the sky is a hazy ♪

♪ Shade of winter. ♪

♪ MTV. ♪