02x07 - The Arky Trials

[bunniefuu]

Agatha,

I'm ready for my 4:00.

Saltine.

You got this.

Ah, Saltine.
Please, have a seat.

What brings you in today?

Rip, you've taught me so much

about archaeology,

from paleoethnobotany
to lidar mapping methodology,

but I think now
I'm ready for the next step.

So, what do I need to do
to be promoted

from assistant arky
to full-blown professional arky?

Well, actually, Saltine,

it's not up to me.

It's time to let you in
on one of archaeology's

most closely guarded secrets.

In order to
become officially licensed,

you must complete
the Arky Trials.

Da heck?

I've taken a solemn oath,
so I can't divulge mucho,

but do know this:
The Trials are a series

of treacherous tests
you must pass

to prove you have what it takes

to be an arky.

And as your role model
and sole heir...

Who else would
I leave my cat to?

...it pains me to say,
I don't think you're ready.

What? But this is
all I've ever wanted, Rip.

The stakes are higher
than you think.

For if you fail,

you can never
attempt the Trials again.

- I won't fail.
- Your confidence

is admirable, but you
still have much to be-learn.

But also know this:

If you go now,
you'll miss our fresh

and very fertile new assignment
from the Chess Museum.

I love chess.

I know.
But if you do the Arky Trials,

I'll have to bring Swooper
as my assistant instead.

Oh. That smarts,
but it's worth it.

I want to do the Arky Trials,

even if
you don't think I'm ready.

Very well. Then let it be so.

Agatha, you can send in my 4:15.

Oh, sh*t.

This is gonna be bad, isn't it?

Be forewarned, Swooper.
This guy runs a chess museum,

so he's probably kind of a nerd.

Welcome to the Chess Museum,

where even a pawn
is treated like a king.

Told you.
Nikki Finke, RIP.

So, Magnus, what's this
about a special chess piece?

On the phone,
that's what you said,

so that's why
I'm f*cking asking about it.

Ah, yes. When the
original chess set was built

in the sixth century,
it included all the game pieces

you know today.

But there was one more:
The God Piece.

Wow. And why should I care?

Wow, Swooper.
Hilarious attitude much?

The God Piece is allowed to move

anywhere on the chessboard
at any time.

Only one was ever crafted,

but it was deemed too powerful
and hidden away forever.

Some say it resides
on the ocean floor.

Others agree, and I, myself,

side with the former.

Oh, my goggles.

I'm trying to be
just like Saltine.

I appreciate the attempt,
but that's wholly unnecessary.

Okay. I love you.

Oh, wow.
That's super nice. Thank you.

I'd like you to find the
God Piece so I can unveil it

at the upcoming international
chess tournament in Helsinki.

Think of all the terrific
publicity it would bring

to the great game of chess.

To say nothing of your museum,
right, Magnus?

Guilty
as charged, Mr. Digman.

But I must warn you,

chess players are cutthroat.

They will do anything to
claim this piece for their own.

Understood. And to be honest,
immediately ignored.

Okay, Swooper.
Let the hunt, hyah, begin!

I got the God Piece!

Let's head on back
to the Chess Museum.

That's me.

Agatha, we got the piece.

That's great,
but I'm calling about

something even more urgent.

There's a Make-A-Wish kid
named Ringo

who wants to meet you.

He says
you're his favorite arky.

Aw.

Unfortunately, the little guy

doesn't have much time left.

He's going
to kick the bucket soon.

Understood. I'll chart a course

to the withering lad,
tout de suite.

As I've always said,
I'll do anything for a fan.

Wow.

Hey, Saltine.

Trisket. You're doing
the Arky Trials, too?

Yeah, I can't wait
for them to get started.

I'm gonna be like, "Kra-cha."

Yeah, and then
I'll be like, "Skwa-boof."

Oh, man. We have
such titillating rapport.

This is great.
I was really worried

that I wouldn't be able
to make it through this alone,

but with you here, I'm sure

we'll pass
the Trials easy-peasy.

May silence reign
on your tongues!

My name is Yorbo,

and I'd like
to formally extend you

the warmest of welcomes...

to hell!

This will be the most

brutal week of your life.

Most of you will fail.

And a few of those fails
will even be...

epic!

An arky must be willing
to sacrifice everything

to find an artifact--

your personal relationships,

your family, your friends, even

your acquaintances.

Oh.

Do I make my ancient,

fuzzy, purple self clear?

- Sir, yes, sir.
- You, what's your name?

Sir, Douglas, sir.

Douglas, eh?

No, I think
I'll call you "Mr. sh*t."

- Sir, yes, sir.
- And you,

with the only-child vibes,

those are mighty thick glasses.

Can you see without them?

- Sir, no, sir.
- Would you die without them?

- Sir, I might, sir.
- Sounds like you're

pretty obsessed
with your glasses.

In that case, I'm gonna
call you "Miss sh*t!"

Seemed like he was gearing up
for a glasses name.

Silence! Hate whispering!

Now, let
the Arky Trials... begin!

Rip, I'd like you to meet Ringo.

Hey, buddy. I heard it was
your dying wish to meet me.

Yes, sir, it was.

Aw, that's so nice.

So, Ringo,
I don't mean to be rude,

but when do you think
you're gonna bite the dust?

I head to the electric chair
next week.

I got to say, when people said

you were gonna die soon,

I totally thought
it was gonna be

from a terminal illness

and not because
you're on death row.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

I'm glad you came anyway.

I guess it's true what they say.

You would do anything for a fan.

I mean, traditionally, yes,

but what did you do
to end up on death row?

I was framed for
the m*rder of a priest.

- Been there.
- Same.

And even though I'm innocent,

there's only one
lawyer who can get me off:

Harvey Greco.

- The Harvey Greco?
- The Harvey Greco?

He's, like,
the best lawyer ever.

Well, duh.
He's never lost a case.

But sadly, my family
can't afford Mr. Greco.

He charges $800,008
for his services.

So his bono isn't pro?

This is why
I'm never having kids.

I just wish
we could do something.

Wait a second. If we use

the chess piece to win $800,008,

we can save little Ringo and
then return it to the museum.

Won't we get in trouble
using the piece to make money?

They said to bring it
straight back, remember?

Yes, but much like blow-drying
my hair in the shower,

it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Now, hit that gas pedal.

We got a fan to save.

Your first trial is a course.

Easy. I've been on many courses.

Even ones filled with
obstacles? Begin.

An arky must be determined.

- I got you.
- An arky must be strong.

An arky must be agile.

An arky must feel no pain.

An arky must be able

to dodge boulders.

Uh... yes!

Think, Saltine, think.

As I've always said, Saltine,

never underestimate
the importance of a stick.

Saltine.

Trisket, no.

The boulder part got me.

How am I gonna get
through this without a friend?

I hope the hardest part
is behind me.

Oh, it has just begun, child.

Damn, I rock!

Did you guys see that new
pigeon lady? Kind of hot.

Pardonnez-moi, gentlemen.

I have here a crisp Ulysses
for any one of you fish

who can defeat my friend
Swooper on the grand grid.

I'll take you up on that.

Wait, is that the God Piece?

- It's the God Piece.
- Unbelievable.

We will just accept this.

Oh, damn.

Checkmate.

He f*cked you up,
you piece of sh*t.

I'll take that.

Now, which one of you
fish is next?

We're not leaving this park
until we make $800,008.

Hey, if you want
to make some real money,

you should go to Vegas.
Chess is huge there.

Vegas, you say?

Yes, I do.

Yeah!

♪ I've got to gamble
on the odds ♪

♪ I'm betting wagers
on my bets ♪

♪ The odds are stacking up ♪

♪ So put your gambles
on your bets ♪

♪ It's Vegas, baby ♪

♪ And I'm moving
and shaking around.♪

An arky must learn to stomach

that which is repulsive
to others.

So, for this challenge,
you must eat

monkey brains!

- Huh.
- That's not too bad.

You know,
it's actually a delicacy

in some parts of the world.

Oh, really? Even when

they're covered in...

Southwest Suicide Atomic
Hot Sauce?!

Its Scoville rating
is off the chart.

Bon appétit.

Oh, my God.
I don't think I can do this.

Enjoy.

I worked really hard on this,

and it will
hurt my feelings tremendously

if you don't eat it.

Now, I'm gonna go
wash my hands, since I forgot

to do that earlier,
before I made the meal,

which was right after
I took a sh*t.

Bye.

Swooper.

How can you eat that?

Easy. There's a trick.

What's your favorite
thing to eat, Saltine?

Ah, hard-boiled egg in a bag.

So just disassociate, pretend
that's what you're eating

instead of Agatha's
nasty casserole.

Hmm.

Done.

Hmm. Very well done.

But also, you're nasty.

An arky must be fearless,
so for this trial,

you shall confront

that which you fear most

in the Cave of Your Worst Fears!

Out of my way.
I'm not afraid of anything.

What do you fear most?

Failing to achieve my dream
of becoming an arky.

No, like something in the
animal kingdom with eight legs.

- An octopus.
- No!

- Land-based, not sea-based!
- Two chairs.

There's no way
you're scared of two chairs.

- Aah! Spiders.
- Wait.

Are there gonna be
spiders in there?

Your turn.

I f*cking hate Yorbo.

Aah! Chelicerata!

Hey, Saltine.
Apropos of nothing,

if you ever find yourself
in a cave full of spiders,

the best way to get through it
is to embrace your fear.

Anyways, back to watching BTS
of the film Prometheus.

What?

Must... embrace... my fear.

Okay, they're touching me.
Ew. Ew. Ew.

I mean, fine. Fine.

Very good. Awesome.
Love it. These are my friends.

$800,007. $800,008.

Wow. Harvey Greco's exact fee.
There you go.

Well, we did it.

I'm so relieved we can get back
to our normal life now.

Ah, Rip Digman.

Here for the private,
high-rollers chess game?

Nope. We were just leaving. Bye.

Aw, too bad. You know, I figured

a couple of hotshots like you
should definitely be playing.

I know we accomplished the
mission, and we have the money,

but he called me a hotshot,
so we're staying.

Fleety, take the bags
back up to the room.

An arky must know everything
about history.

So your next trial is...

...sort of
an independent study thing.

You will each select one topic
to research

and then present your findings
to your class.

That seems pretty easy
compared to the other trials.

You deliver your presentation
while escaping

- from quicksand.
- Ugh, there it is.

Does anyone know
what they want to study?

Ooh, I do. Chess.

Yeah, fine. Sure.

Wow. We are in rare air,
my friends.

I know it's so cliché
to say this

at the end of a chess match,
but checkmate.

- I'm ruined.
- Who's next?

- I'll take that action.
- Swooper.

Well, you'll be
no match for me. No offense,

but you just look stupid.

None taken.

Your turn.

Checkmate.

Way to go, Swooper. Oh, man.

Coming up here was a great idea,
and I foresee no downside.

Give us the God Piece.

Well, that was unforeseen.

- Oh, man. We f*cked up!
- We're sorry!

I know. I haven't seen
a mistake like this

since Bronstein
versus Botvinnik in 1951.

- We feared you'd say that.
- We feared you'd say that.

The God Piece has wound up
in the hands

of the ruthless
Russian mobster Evgeny Dogovich.

If he perishes, he perishes.

Well, I guess that's it.
Our check has been mated.

No. A dying kid's life is
at stake here.

But Rip, where are we gonna
come up with another $800,008?

The grand prize for the upcoming
international chess tournament

in Helsinki is $800,000.

I mean, we'd still be
eight bucks short,

but yeah, anything helps,
I guess.

It's a moot point.

There's no way I can beat Evgeny
when he's got the God Piece.

Actually, there is,
inside my vault.

The God's Wife Piece.

Wow.

It was created
alongside the God Piece

and has the same powers.
I've owned it for years,

but was waiting
to find the God Piece

before putting them both
on display.

Stunning, isn't she?

- She has a rolling pin?
- Yes.

That's unfortunate,
but it was a different time.

Swooper, you must take this

and enter the tournament
in Helsinki.

I will do thy bidding,
my master.

- Uh...
- Oh, Swooper,

you don't need to do that.

He's still new at this. Get up.

Welcome back

to the international
chess tournament

where Swooper Goodfly and
Evgeny Dogovich are dominating.

And it seems inevitable that

these two will face each other
in the finals.

Hmm. Wait a second.

Oh, my goggles.

Yorbo!

I was doing my research,

and look what I discovered.

If the God Piece and the
God's Wife Piece come together,

they'll create a supercharged
energy field so powerful

it could k*ll everyone
in the arena.

Including my friends.

I have to leave now
if I'm gonna make it in time.

Leave? Why not just call them
and tell them?

I tried,
but I can't get through.

I postulate that the
diametrically opposed polarities

of the two pieces...

I don't care
about the specifics.

- Boy, you're a chatterbox. No!
- So I got to go.

Your training is not complete.

You've yet to master the whip.

- I have to save my friends.
- Do you dare forget,

Miss sh*t,
that arkies must be willing

to sacrifice
their personal relationships

for the pursuit of the artifact?

If being an arky means turning
my back on the people I love,

then I guess I don't want
to be an arky after all.

That's crazy talk. Blech!

Be gone with you, child.

I'm sorry, Yorbo.
I have to do this.

She had such promise,
Lord Yorbo.

It's a shame
she'll never become an arky.

No. There is... another way.

How does that feel? Good?

Stop everything!

- Saltine?
- What are you doing here?

I had to leave The Trials
to warn you.

You can't play
the God's Wife Piece.

- Why not?
- Here's what I know.

The greatest chess players

from around the world
are here to watch this match.

And here come our finalists.

Oh, and there's the God Piece.

Swooper's brought out
the God's Wife Piece.

No.

Wait a second. It looks like...

Is Swooper Goodfly going to play
without God's Wife?

If I win,
I want to win fair and square.

If he play
without special piece,

I play without special piece.

This is so touching.

Now, let's see
these two masters play

without their pieces
of mass destruction.

On your mark. Get set. Chess!

Uh, sorry. Who goes first?

- I think the horsey.
- No, no, I mean white or black?

Oh, after you, kind sir.

No, white has
to go first. Always.

- Sure, no worries.
- All right.

It's becoming clear
that neither of these men

are actual chess masters,
and instead, we're going

to be forced to watch
two amateurs bungle their way

through the most prestigious
match in the sport.

No. Wait.
I want to go here instead.

Yeah, go for it, buddy.

ill*gal move.
Evgeny is disqualified.

Swooper Goodfly, you are
the chess champion of the world.

Yes! Rip, we did it!

- You won. Yeah!
- You go, Swooper!

I want to thank my girlfriend,
Cornelia. And Ringo.

This is for you, buddy.

This is all for you, buddy.

Actually, it's all for me.

Magnus, be careful.

Those two pieces can cause
unthinkable destruction.

Yes, I'm quite aware. You might
even say it's my endgame.

Oh, okay. Still bad, but
at least we're clear on that.

Magnus has harnessed

the energy field and turned
himself into a super weapon.

It's dark magic. sh**t him!

Your gambit failed, Evgeny.

Oh, my God!

Magnus, why would you do this?

It's quite simple, Mr. Digman.

There are two kinds of nerds--
smart nerds and gross nerds.

Yeah, everyone knows that.

And you're a smart nerd.
A chess dude.

Wrong. I am and have
always been a gross nerd.

Oh, crap!

I smell bad.
I say off-putting things.

I rip loud burps in public.

I pull my pants all the way down
when I pee.

I pick my butt.
I have a booger collection.

It all goes back
to my childhood.

Every day, the jocks
would beat up the smart nerds,

and then those smart nerds
would come beat me up.

I swore I'd have my revenge,

and now, I shall.

This arena is filled with
the smartest nerds in the world.

But not for long.

Stop! You go through with this,

you're not just gonna k*ll
the smart nerds you despise.

You're also going
to k*ll your friends.

Friends?
I don't have any friends.

Magnus, that's not true.

What about us?
We're your friends.

Really? So, would you like to
come see my booger collection?

Ew. No way. That's sick, dude.

Okay, that's it.
Time for everybody to die.

Die! Die!

An arky must be able
to dodge boulders.

An arky must be strong.

- Take that, you smart nerds!
- Magnus!

Oh, no. He's gonna burp!

Everybody, brace yourselves!

An arky must learn
to stomach

that which is repulsive
to others.

Magnus, from one nerd
to another,

you can't just
be a disgusting freak

and expect
unconditional acceptance.

If you want to have
a positive effect on people,

you have to let yourself
be affected by them.

And I should know, because all
that awesome stuff I just did,

I learned from my friends.

I suppose you have a point.

Yeah, and I also have...
spiders.

Why? You had already
won me over with your words.

And there you have it.

A disgusting nerd's revenge
plan immediately goes south,

and he's once again
put in his place.

I'm Howard Toe broadcasting live

from the international
chess tournament probably

for the last time.

Agatha, send in my 11:00.

Saltine, you can head in.

Saltine, have a seat.

I want you to know
that I appreciate

you sacrificing your dream
of becoming an arky

to make sure I live
to breathe another day.

You are-- and I'm sorry
if this isn't woke--

one heck of a gal.

Thanks, Rip.

Guys, great news.

Harvey Greco did it!

Ringo's sentence was overturned.
He's free. Let's go!

- All right!
- All right. Who's Ringo?

I'm so happy for you, Ringo.
You're finally free.

Thank you, Rip.
You saved my life.

Oh!

I did it, you know.

I k*lled that priest.

And I'm gonna do it again.

What? Ringo, no.

Oh, yes. And you helped me
get away with it.

You know why I chose you, Rip,
above everybody else?

Because you'd do anything
for a fan, bless your heart.

Well, I guess it's official.

Our justice system is flawed!

That's what this was about!

Chirp.

♪ MTV. ♪