02x06 - The Fortune Pursuit

[bunniefuu]

- -
- Whoa! Go, go, go, go!

Faster, Swooper!

They're gaining on us! Whoa!

- Step on it!
- I'm trying!

Squawk!

That flying machine
belongs to us!

It belongs
in the Da Vinci Museum.

- You stole it.
- Because your kind broke

the ancient truce
between man and bird.

Mankind wasn't meant to fly.

Mankind was meant to die!

- Squawk!
- Saltine, pull me up.

I can fight them off
with my whip.

Saltine? What are you doing?

They're getting closer, Rip.

- Got any words for your fans?
- Why are you

- filming me?
- You need to connect

with Rip Nation more often
to boost

- your online profile.
- Not now, Agatha!

We're done for!
We can't outrun them!

Saltine, pull me up.

- Saltine!
- Squawk!

- What's the point?
- Oh, God. This is it.

We're dead! We're f*cking dead!

Oh, God, I'm so scared.
I always thought I'd be brave

when it happened,
but I'm scared as sh*t.

I'm gonna sh*t myself
and then I'm gonna die!

Well, it's a miracle

we got out of that situation

and delivered the flying machine
to the Da Vinci Museum.

And I have no interest
in rehashing how we did it,

but it was no thanks to you,
Saltine.

- What's going on with you?
- I don't know.

Nothing, I guess.

- Why is she so moody lately?
- I think I know.

You know how it was
her birthday last week?

Yes, as I recall, she took
her birthday noogies quite well.

Well, her parents
didn't call her,

didn't send a card, nothing.

Wow, and you guys were mad at me

for getting her
a scale as a gift.

Guess I'm looking pretty good
by comparison now.

- No, you still look bad.
- But not by comparison, Agatha.

You have to admit that
by comparison, I look great.

Look, even though
Saltine plays it down,

the fact that her parents
disowned her

for becoming an arky obviously
still bothers her sometimes.

I just don't get why they think
being an arky is so bad.

It's not like we're looties,
always stealing and looting,

which, as we all know,
is how they got their name.

Families can be tricky, Rip.

Hmm, perhaps you're right.

You know,
I have a lot of experience

with complicated
family relationships myself.

Growing up in Brazil,
my twin brother Zip and I

had a lot of issues
with our parents.

Okay, I think I know
what I need to do.

The f*ck did he just say?

Is this really necessary, Rip?

What do you mean?

- Why did you blindfold me?
- Uhp, uhp, uhp.

So you wouldn't know
where we were going.

Okay, but then
why did you chloroform me?

Made it easier
to get the blindfold on.

And then why did you
also blindfold Fleety?

We thought it'd be cute.

Honestly,

it's just magnifying how
jacked up his teeth are.

Ugh.

Okay, we're here.

My parents' house?

Why the hell
did you bring me here?

For business reasons, naturally.

I'm trying to train you
to become a full arky,

but you've been
way too moody lately at work.

And I know it's because
of your bad relationship

- with your parents.
- So?

So I can't have
a distracted assistant.

It puts all of our lives
at risk.

So I'm here to help
fix your relationship

with your parents
once and for all.

Saltine?

We told you
never to come back here.

- We were very clear.
- We were very clear.

You have been disowned.

Okay, if someone told me
this family was functional,

I'd say,
"Uh, you forgot the 'dys.'"

I got to say, this is quite
a bounty for unwelcomed guests.

Of course. We're not animals.

Cookie? -You're supposed
to say no three times.

- It's a Persian thing.
- Oh, no, thank you.

- Please, I insist.
- Nope, really, I'm okay.

For you, I'm sure
eating a cookie is nothing,

but for me,
it would be everything.

- Mm-mmm.
- Uh, no?

Eat this cookie
or I will walk into the ocean

with my pockets full of stones!

- Now you can eat it.
- Oh, thank God.

All right,
let's repair this relationship.

Maybe if you guys
just hug really hard.

I'd rather hug a bug.

Okay, Saltine,
you didn't warn me

your mom is a full tilt
snap queen.

Being an arky
is utterly shameful.

No, it is not. It's shameless.

Rip, that's also bad.

Oh, man. What is with
the English language?

So many twists and turns, right?

I wish we were having
this conversation

in my native Portuguese.

Saltine, you disobeyed
our wishes.

One, we wish for you
to have perfect vision,

and two, we wish for you
not to pursue archaeology.

What's so bad
about being an arky?

It's not like we're looties,
the scum of the whole Earth.

Arkies are worse.
They are reckless.

- Yeah, that's true.
- They're glory seekers.

- Can't argue with that.
- They're buffoons.

- Guilty.
- They lack a moral compass.

If you hadn't said "moral,"
I'd be arguing with you

so much right now. But, yeah,
that one is also accurate.

Their lifestyles are an unending
parade of sex and drugs.

Yep, and hard drugs, too.
They make the sex better.

Or worse,
depending on your goals

- and/or sensitivity levels.
- This is like

Seurat's worst nightmare, Rip:

- pointless.
- There's nothing you can say.

We don't like arkies.

Even me?

- Yes! You more than anyone.
- Especially you!

Well, you can hate me
all you want,

but it's ridiculous
to dislike your own daughter.

I mean, I don't know
how to put it any more clearly.

Saltine is a sockdolager,
a Dutch snorter.

Hell, she's got more moxie
than Old Coppernob.

I don't understand
a word you're saying.

What, you got Chesapeake crabs

in your ears or something?

Nobody talks that way
to me in my house. Get out!

Now leave us so we can
resume our simple life.

Listening to the blissful sounds
of the Chesapeake Bay.

The Harrisons are starting
another construction project?

Will it never end?

The only thing
worse than the arkies

are the Harrisons
and their nonstop

noisy construction projects.

Goodbye.

Hmm. What if...

- 4:55 a.m.?

I had another two minutes
before my alarm went off.

Damn those Harrisons.

It's not the Harrisons.

Dig, my friends, dig!

It's a wonderful day.

Why are you destroying
our private property?

It better be
because you're planning

on burying yourselves alive.

I'm gonna show you
that archaeology

isn't just about glory-seeking.

It's useful as well.

This region used to be home
to the Powhatan tribe.

If we find evidence
of a settlement,

the whole area will be protected

by the Historic
Preservation Act.

The Harrisons will
have to stop construction

and you'll get
your peace and quiet back.

See?
Archaeology rocks the house.

The last thing I want to do
is admit that I'm impressed,

so I won't,
but just know that I'm dying to.

Well, it was all Saltine's idea.

Because Saltine
is into archaeology

for the right reasons.

- You don't say.
- I do. Loudly!

Would you look at that?

Algonquin earthenware
made of clay

and triturated mussel shell.

By Jove, we've done it!

See, guys?

Arkies aren't all bad.

Maybe I can even find evidence
of a yehakin,

which is not
the same thing as a wigwam.

Bet you thought it was.
Yet another example

of how arkies pwn gen pop.

And, uh, we dig-ah like-ah this.

"Clunk?"

But I was just shoveling
for effect.

Oh.

Agatha, stream this.

I thought you didn't
want me to do that anymore.

Yeah, I know, but when
those likes start rolling in,

it feels so damn good.

- Now go live!
- What's good?

It's the big b*tch, Swaggy Aggy,

coming at you live
from Chesapeake Bay.

Rip is deadass
doing some crazy sh*t IRL.

Everyone knows
Blackbeard was decapitated

by Virginia's governor in 1718,

and his head
was displayed on a pike

at the mouth
of the Chesapeake Bay.

But few knew his crew
buried his body

in a location most hidden,
until now.

I have discovered
Blackbeard's tomb.

What's that in his pocket?

- Just a blank sheet of paper.
- No, it's a treasure map.

Blackbeard's treasure.
You're holding it backwards.

And you just showed
everyone on Earth.

Uh-oh, Ripnation.

Did the Ripdawg
just F up big time?

Sound off in the comments.

Rip, this is a circus.

- What's happening?
- Once in a while,

some sort of treasure map
goes public,

and it brings every arky
out of the woodwork

for a treasure hunt.

Or, as arkies call it,
a fortune pursuit.

Get your picture
with Blackbeard.

- Hydrate with Splot.
- Zane, will you

sign my dog's butthole?

Bella Torres, what will you do

if you find the treasure?

Well, I've essentially been
in a coma since 2011,

so the first thing I'm gonna do
is pay off the fines

on all my overdue library books.

I've had The Immortal Life
of Henrietta Lacks checked out

- for over a decade.
- Well, I think I speak

for all of our viewers when
I say you're a f*cking nerd.

Wow. I've never seen
anything like this.

That's right. This is
your first fortune pursuit

since joining the council.

We always watch these things
from our hot-air balloon,

far from the riffraff below.

I opened this
Beaujolais nouveau,

and the bouquet
is more of an aroma.

- Where's the trash can?
- When you're in the council,

- the world's your trash can.
- Okay.

- Yep, one year sober today.
- Congrats. Got to feel great.

It does.
I was one of those mean drunks.

One drop of alcohol and
I'd start karate-chopping people

in the throat
until they'd spray barf.

But now I'm sober!

This is a disaster, Rip.

Yeah, in trying to help you,
I've really

stepped in the proverbial
turkey diarrhea.

Is that an expression?

Well, I do have idiom blindness,

but I'm 100% sure
it's a very common slang.

Anyhoo, the only way a fortune
pursuit comes to an end

is when the treasure's
been found.

Then we better find it
or my parents

- will never un-disown me.
- Actually,

- mind if we join?
- Wha...?

Mom? Dad? What's going on?

Saltine, it's time
we tell you the truth.

- I'm gonna be a big sister?
- No. We used to be arkies.

And we're gonna help you

pursue that fortune.

- Da furk?
- You took the exact words

and pronunciation
out of my mouth.

Okay, is this
some sort of practical joke?

Just checking, 'cause medically,

I'm not able to detect
that kind of thing.

No, Saltine. Before
you were born, we were arkies.

But then we decided
to give it up.

We didn't want to raise you in
such a hedonistic environment.

But now we see that you're not
like those degenerates.

You're in archaeology
for the right reasons.

- And your head
is screwed on straight.

Well, the only reason
my head is on so straight

is because you guys
are the ones who screwed it on.

Ugh. -Well, the only reason
we were able to screw it on

so straight is because the hole
we were screwing it into

was such a pliant screw hole
receptacle thingy place.

- Come on.
- Aw, Mom.

So, you don't mind
if we team up?

Of course not. This is great.

Yeah, great.
Just one question, though.

If you guys were arkies,
how come I haven't heard of you?

It was before
we moved to America.

And we were never
famous like you.

Well, obrigado,
I was and remain famous,

the best thing one can be.

But "irregardulous,"
If that's true,

I don't want to get slowed down

by a bunch of
out-of-practice arkies

who haven't been in the field
for decades.

It'll be hard enough
to figure out

where the fortune is on my own.

- Hmm. Let me see the map.
- It's an island.

But no island in the Chesapeake
is shaped like this.

That is probably
due to global warming.

This map was drawn


when the sea levels were lower.

If you trim away
the coastline here and here,

- voilà!
- That's Watt's Island.

Whoa. Score one
for the parental unit.

I mean, yeah,
it was kind of a lucky guess,

and I am the one
who found the map.

What was that, Rippy?

- You're kind of trailing off.
- Nothing.

All right, Swooper,
gas up the submersible

'cause we're about
to get submersed.

By using this

state-of-the-art submersible,

nobody will be able
to follow us.

- Someone's following us.
- Caramba!

Hello, Rippy.

I saw you taking off in a hurry

and I figured
you must have a lead.

Hope you don't mind
if I follow you

in my much better submersible.

- Swooper, g*n it!
- Aye, aye, sir.

Now you're stuck, idiot!

Stupid seaweed elasticity.

Swooper, watch out!

A shoal of mackerel!

And a risk of lobsters!

And a consortium of crabs!

Those are all
the actual terms, you know. Oh!

Uh-oh!

My thermos of RumChata!

Uh-oh, ol' Swoops
isn't feeling so good.

Cornelia? Is that you?
Kiss me, my darling.

With tongue, of course.

Oh, no, we're doomed.
Swooper is our lone pilot.

No one else can drive
a submarine.

Even though it looks super easy

like you just point it
the way you want to go.

- Not so fast. Mona?
- On it.

You think you can lose Zane?
Dream on, buttcheese.

- See that up ahead?
- That smack of jellyfish?

- Exactly what I was thinking.
- A smack?

I didn't even know
it was called that.

Hold on to your fedoras.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, for... I can't even see.

Trisket, go out there
and squeegee the jellyfish.

Okay, confession time.

When I said I could
deep sea dive on my résumé,

that was not true.

Mom, I didn't know
you could drive a submarine.

Of course.
There's lots I can drive.

Aircraft, watercraft,
spacecraft, your father crazy...

Uh, hey, I hate to interrupt
the f*ck-fest over there,

but our submersible
isn't looking so good.

- We got to fix it up, pronto.
- Got it.

So, why don't
I go with my parents

to find the treasure and you
and Swooper can fix the sub?

Oh. Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Or Swooper can just work on it
while I go with you guys.

Or I could stay
and help Swooper.

Yes, you not joining us
would be perfect.

Oh, Saltine,

we have so much to catch up on.

Agatha, there's something
I want you to do for me.

Open Safari, type in H-T-T-P-S,

colon, backslash,

backslash, Google.com,

uh, and then type the following

into the search window within
the browser using the buttons

on your desktop computer's
QWERTY keyboard.

How great is it that Saltine
and her parents

are getting along now?

They're basically just like

three peas in a pod.

Just like you wanted, Rippy.

And heck, now that Saltine knows
her parents are also arkies,

it's only a matter of time

before she leaves us
and starts working with them.

You must be really happy
that your plan to reunite

Saltine with her parents
has worked out so well.

Maybe they'll even
hire me and Agatha.

That's it!
I need to stretch my gams.

Oh...

I think RumChata sucks.

And so does jazz.

Yeah, Mom!

Slap that snake.

Eyes wide shut!

Agatha, you genius.

Rip, over here!
We found the treasure chest.

Yeah, that's nice and all,
but it pales in comparison

to the shocking news
I've come to impart.

Your parents didn't voluntarily
give up being arkies.

They were expelled
from the Arky Union

after they were caught
looting archaeological sites.

You're not arkies.
You're looties.

The lowest of the low,

as mentioned
multiple times recently.

Mom, Dad, is that true?

Yes.

There was a time
that we were real arkies,

well on our way
to reputable careers.

But we lost sight
of what mattered

and became looties.

So that's the real reason

you didn't want Saltine
to become an arky.

You hated the arky community
for rightfully exiling you

and couldn't stand the thought
of her becoming a part of it.

Exactly.
We've spent the past 20 years

trying to avoid the arky world.

Maybe things were better
the way they were.

We don't want to taint
your good arky name

before you've even begun.

You shouldn't have to pay
for our mistakes.

Precisely and well said.
Well, let's go, Saltine.

Back to being fully
and comfortably estranged.

Why are you doing this, Rip?

Wasn't the whole point
of this trip

to repair my relationship
with my parents?

Well, yeah, of course.

But I wanted that
for selfish reasons.

You can't leave me
to go work with your parents.

- That ruins the whole plan.
- Even if it would make me happy?

Yes, exactly.
Now you get it.

I'm sorry, Rip.
I can't abandon my family.

Well, I thought
we were family, Saltine.

You're like a father to me!

Saltine, would you do
to this treasure chest

- as you've done to our hearts?
- Would I ever.

- Whoa.
- Oh.

- Great work, family.
- We did it.

Dang, Mom and Dad.
We make a great team.

Aw, isn't that heartwarming?

- Zane!
- Well, hello, everyone.

What's the goss? Because
I heard a juicy little item.

Apparently,
I'll be taking that treasure.

And I trust there's
gonna be no objections.

Wrong! There will be
an objection. From me!

Obje... Aah!

You know
my signature move by now.

The antidote for the poison
coursing through your veins

is back on the mainland, thataway.

Meanwhile, I'll be
taking the treasure. Thisaway.

Actually,
why don't you save Saltine?

And we'll take the treasure?

Oh, that's right!

Hit it!

What the bloody...

You've got to take her
to the antidote.

Sorry, not enough room.

It's either her or the gold.

They chose the treasure
over their own daughter.

Listen, I've got to be honest,

I respect the hell
out of that move.

Though it certainly
buggers my arse, but good.

Swooper! Swooper!
You need to fire up the sub.

First of all, hello.
Good to see you, too.

Second, I don't
take orders from you.

If you don't help me,
Saltine's gonna die.

Saltine?
That's one of my best friends!

I deserve that.

And there will be time enough
for punches later.

Right now we need to use
your sub to bring Saltine

- to the antidote.
- But it's not working.

- We're stuck here.
- Zane? What's going on?

Oh, my God. Saltine?

That's one of my best friends!

- She's been poisoned.
- And it doesn't matter by whom,

but the antidote
is on the mainland

and we have no way
of reaching it.

Oh, yes, we do.

Hyah!

Squawkler, I summon thee!

Squawk!

Oh, great bird, king of the sky,

I need you to take us
to the mainland.

And if you do, your life debt
shall be forgiven.

Though my debt may be repaid,
we shall never forget

what you have done for our kind.

And to think
we considered you an enemy

but one week ago,

- before you revealed...
- There's no time

to rehash everything I did
for you last week, Squawkler.

Just get us out of here!

So shall it be, feather brother.

You're not gonna die, Saltine.
Not on my watch!

Squawkler, your talon's really
digging into my a*s, bud.

Can you ease up?

Oh, yeah, that's better.
Thank you.

Saltine! Stay with me!

Oh, man,
her arms are all floppy.

And that is how
we found the chest.

Any more questions?

I have one.
How much moolah

did Quail Eegan
pay you for the treasure?

Well, we don't like
to talk about money,

but let's just say
that our bank account has



So, are you sad that
the fortune pursuit is over?

We will always
cherish the memory.

But mostly, we are happy

to get back
to some peace and quiet.

Yes. I thought that was

a k*ller line
when I thought of it.

Thank you, everyone.

Can I have a minute, guys?

Sure. We'll pack up the jeep.

Saltine! Thank goodness
you are okay.

No hard feelings, right?

Obviously, we knew
there's no way

Zane would actually let you die.

Otherwise we never
would have left you.

And hey, we even used
some of the money

to buy you a birthday present.

And now that we're back
in the arky game,

what do you say--

want to be our assistant?
Keep it in the family?

I have a family.

Everyone buckled up?

Yeah. Let's get out of here.

Actually, wait one second.
I forgot something.

- Hey! You two!
- Us?

Yeah, Sam, Mona,
I'm talking to you.

- What?
- You don't deserve

someone as good as Saltine,
you huge f*cking pieces of sh*t!

She's the most talented
assistant arky I've ever seen,

and you risked her life
over some treasure?

How dare you?!

I'd never say this to her face

because I don't want her
getting a big ego.

But, honestly,
I think she f*cking rocks.

- Can I say something here?
- And also... What? No.

I won't let you speak,
you f*cking turd!

You've said enough.

It's my turn to tell you
you f*cked up big-time,

you f*ck' jags.

You know what I think
of your precious property?

Here, I'll show you.

That's right.

I'm gonna piss
all over your yard.

Yep. Get ready to see
some major yellow.

Got a little bit
of stage fright going on.

Would you please not look at me?

Aw, sh*t. What the f*ck?

Okay, push, Rip, push.

Ugh! Ew.

Okay, well,
same result, I guess.

Now then, where was I,
you frigging choads?!

Oh, yeah-- Saltine rules.

Chirp.

♪ MTV ♪