["Mr. Big Stuff" by
Lyn Collins playing]
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
♪ Now because you wear
All those fancy clothes ♪
♪ And drive a big fine car ♪
♪ Oh yes, you do now ♪
♪ Do you think I can afford
To give you my love ♪
[song ends]
[man] Aw, what a
cute little mutt.
Hey there, little guy.
[barking, panting]
[loud bang]
Aw.
[soft music playing]
-[rustling]
-[soft whining]
[girl] Dad, what's in the box?
[dad] Family, I'd like
to introduce you to…
[groaning, whimpering]
…Bull.
-[all] Aw!
-[woman] What a sweet boy!
-[girl] He's so cute.
-[dad] Such a sweet little guy.
[girl] This is your home now.
Look, Nana. My new little brother.
[Nana] Oh my goodness,
what a little pudge cake.
[dad] I think he
likes you, Nana.
[moaning happily, panting]
[music fades]
[birds singing]
[dog panting and
growling softly]
[dog] Oh yeah.
[sighing] Oh yeah. So good.
Oh, oh, oh!
You've always been amazing.
Oh, you are my one and only.
Well, there's lots of others,
but you are my favorite.
Really.
Oh, oh.
Oh, Nana!
Oh, you feel so good.
[laughs] Right?
Who doesn't love their Nana?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Are you into it?
Both of us gotta be into it.
Two-way enjoying.
[panting]
Gotta be feeling that,
right? [panting rapidly]
[moaning lustfully]
[moans loudly]
[continues moaning, panting]
Who's your good boy?
Who's your good boy?
-[glass tinkling]
-Here we go!
-[pants] Buckle up!
-[Nana groans]
[dramatic sting]
[Nana] What's happened?
Where… where are my glasses?
-My lipstick? What's that doing there?
-[suspenseful music playing]
-[squeaking]
-Yeah, that's my d*ck.
-[Nana screams]
-[dad] Mom? Are you okay?
What the f*ck?
How many times have I told
you to stop humping Nana?
Having trouble running.
Still gotta finish here.
[dramatic music playing]
-[electricity crackling]
-[Bull screams]
My d*ck is on fire!
[music slowing down]
-[Bull grunts]
-[girl screams]
-Oh yeah. Sweet, minty relief.
-[dramatic music continues]
[dad] Leave it.
g*dd*mn it, Bull.
[grunting]
[exclaims]
[panting rapidly]
-Oh, Bull!
-[shoes squeaking]
[glass squeaking]
[woman gasps]
Bull, you little sh*t!
-[panting]
-[dad] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Bull!
[dramatic music continues]
-[dad screams]
-[glass shattering]
[female dog] Hey, Bull.
[feet squealing]
[music stops]
Oh, hey, Honey.
-What's up, girl? How's it going?
-[quirky sting]
Oh, you know, everything's
good. How's Nana?
Nana? Why... What... Why... Why would
you ask about Nana all of a sudden?
It's weird. It's like,
who cares about Nana?
[laughs] You know what I mean?
I don't know. I'm smelling a musty odor
and a certain potpourri and menthol scent,
and, um, I'm not gonna lie to
you, your pinky dinky is out.
Oh, that? No, that's
just morning wood.
Not a big deal.
-At 2:30?
-Well, after-lunch wood?
What? Do you girls not get that?
[sighs] Let me just
take care of it.
[pop]
[awkward music playing]
[dad] Enough is enough.
This has to stop!
So, yeah, you were saying...
-[Bull screams]
-[music stops]
[Bull chuckles]
Oh, Bull, Bull, Bull.
You've been tapping
Nana since we were pups.
She's nothing but trouble.
When are you gonna learn?
I know. I'm sick.
But she just smells so old.
It's enchanting.
You need to stop.
Just cut it off.
Go cold turkey.
Trust me, I've tried. Thanksgiving
dinner was never the same.
What, they didn't like their
turkey tenderized and creamy?
[laughs] Girl, you
are disgusting.
I'm not the one
f*cking dead turkeys.
Oh yeah. Good one. Got me.
Yeah, like I f*ck dead turkeys.
Get out of here with that.
Mm-hmm. Sure, I think a Cornish
hen is more your size anyway.
It's tighter where it counts.
So, what're you up to?
Well, I got the dog show
coming up this week,
so, just practicing
my smooth gait.
Left, right, rear-left,
rear-right, left, right, rear-left…
Wow. It's like you're walking and
skipping all at the same time.
[Honey continues indistinctly]
I don't get the
whole dog show scene.
Everyone's trying to be the
best version of the same thing?
But what if you're
different? Is that bad?
And then after all the
judging, they grope you?
They aren't groping me.
They are gently touching my body and
judging me based on how it feels.
Who are these people?
You know, dog lovers.
They document our lineage, keep
tabs on what the standard should be,
and breed us properly for the
ultimate perfect specimen.
We're like the royal
family of our species.
[classical music playing]
[in British accent]
Oh, my queen.
I have located the perfect
specimen for you to breed with.
[in British accent]
Oh, have you?
Well, I do say then,
who is this chosen one?
I am Lord Duke, the Earl of
Awesomeness, Sir Studley,
and it is a pleasure to
make your acquaintance.
You are quite below
my usual standards.
But I am feeling generous,
so you may partake
in the royal p*nis.
Oh my! Sir Studley,
I would be honored.
Shall we proceed?
[chuckles awkwardly]
[in normal voice] Absolutely, yeah.
Proceeding's what I... What I did...
I wanna do. Let's
proceed with it.
I just thought we would probably
proceed with the next part
after we kept going back and
forth. [blows raspberry, groans]
Oh! You thinking about Nana,
or should I be flattered?
-[girl] Bull, walk!
-Gotta go. That's my walk.
[British accent] All right, Sir
Studley, I'll be along shortly.
We shall continue at the park.
sh*t, that got hot
out of nowhere.
Gotta be ready next time
I bust out the old accent.
[thud]
[Bull groaning]
[chuckles]
Adorable.
[straining]
[dad] Hey, hey, hey.
There's my little monster. You
ready to go for a walk, big guy?
[gasps]
[mellow music playing]
-Okay, okay, I know.
-[barks]
Very exciting. Let
me get this on you.
Hey, hey! [laughs] Hey, what?
-Come on! [laughs] Come on!
-[squeaking]
[panting]
[dad chuckles]
There's my horny little maniac.
Who loves you,
huh? Who loves you?
Come on, boy. You ready to go?
[music stops]
[birds chirping]
Holy crap! I gotta sh*t!
I gotta pee now! I gotta pee!
Thank God! I've been
holding this all day!
I need to go!
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!
f*cking hell! Get
me to the grass!
Oh! This sh*t is coming!
Pee, pee, pee, pee!
Poo, poo, poo, poo, poo.
Gotta go, gotta go!
[sniffs, sighs in relief]
[sniffling] Oh yeah.
[sighs in relief]
[sniffs, sighs in relief]
[dynamic jazz music playing]
[dogs whimpering]
-[buzzing]
-[growls] f*ck off.
[mosquito chuckles sheepishly]
[sniffs, groans]
Oh!
What smells like nylon
and varicose veins?
Oh, it's Bull's d*ck.
Oh, look, it's Rocco,
the ball-less wonder.
[tail whipping]
I don't get your
thing with Nana.
Why don't you just lick
yourself like every other dog?
Ah, I tried.
I just don't like
the way I taste.
See, I like my taste quite a lot.
It's like summertime in the country.
Blackberries with cinnamon
and a touch of mint.
So, anyways, Rocco, you
should have seen it.
-Honey was all over me.
-[pee splashing]
She wanted to breed
with me and everything.
[Rocco] Right. 'Cause last week,
you said she licked your face.
She totally did.
Because you smeared your
f*cking face in peanut butter.
Was there peanut butter? I
don't... There could have been.
Listen, mate, just simply
tell her you love her.
Love?
[scoffs]
What are you talking about?
Yeah, me and my boys aren't really
into those purebred showgirls.
'Course. Yeah, no, Honey is
definitely not right for you.
You've known her your whole life. She
is your absolute f*cking best friend.
Who would want that?
[dog] Oh, hey, Bull.
[sniffling]
-Ooh, you f*cked Nana again, huh? [laughs]
-[cool jazz music playing]
What are you wearing?
It's Business Mondays.
It's demeaning, is what it is.
Yeah, well, my 900
followers don't think so.
Mother says they love it.
It's so weird that you
call your human "Mother."
Fetch, no one's following you.
Yes, they are, on
Mother's phone.
They comment on my pictures like
a little face with heart eyes.
And "I'm screaming!" And,
"Oh my God, literally dead."
And Mother even got
me a sponsorship,
so now I get free dental treats.
What the f*ck are
you talking about?
Fetch, you're a valued
member of the pack,
but you cannot hang out with us if
you're gonna pretend to be human.
It is disgusting.
Ah. Whatever, you
guys are just jealous.
Uh… Hi, Lucky.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Oh God. What are you eating?
Oh, this? It's a
flaxseed protein bar.
It's a little
pre-playtime pick-me-up.
[sniffs, exclaims in disgust]
Lucky, you're eating cat sh*t.
What? [chuckles] No way.
-[munching]
-[whimsical music playing]
Oh, mm. Yeah, no, I
think you might be right.
[Lucky chewing]
You're still eating it.
[continues chewing]
Oh God, yeah.
[laughs] Well,
that's disgusting.
Seems like you enjoyed it.
Nope.
Disgusting.
[woman] Oh wow!
[in baby voice] What a good little
baby. My poopsie made a poo-poo.
I love watching my human pick up my
sh*t, especially if it's a runny one.
You know what I love?
Taking a second sh*t when
Mother only brought one bag.
[Fetch, Rocco chuckle]
Why do humans need
to pick it up at all?
-It's supposed to stay on the grass.
-[blues music playing]
That way, it melts
into the soil,
which helps grow the new grass,
which we then sh*t on again.
It's the circle of sh*t.
[Fetch gasps]
-That's pure poetry.
-[music fades]
Where do you come
up with this stuff?
It's the boys in the back.
They inspire me.
They're like my
hairy, dangling muses.
[upbeat music playing]
[gasping, barking]
[exclaiming]
[sniffing]
[music stops]
All right, all right, all
right, break it up already.
I'm here every day. It's
the same a*s as yesterday.
-[groaning]
-[whooshing]
-[dramatic music playing]
-[dogs gasping]
[ball squeaking]
-[pants]
-[loud thud]
-Get off me, you fat a*s!
-[dog screaming]
I'm not fat. I'm husky.
-Stop drooling on me!
-[sullenly] I'm a mastiff.
I can't help it.
-f*ck you, mastiff.
-[dog screaming]
This is a g*dd*mn sh*t show.
[pretentiously] Excuse me.
It's pronounced "shih tzu."
[ball squeaking]
Why is chasing this stupid
ball so f*cking addictive?
It's like... I don't get it. It's like,
you got the ball. Now you drop it.
Now you're wound up
again. You just had it.
'Cause you never know
when it's gonna move.
[gasps] What happened to Luther?
[sinister music playing]
Oh, f*ck. I recognize
that expression anywhere.
Don't say anything.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Chasing anything
around out there today?
Uh… Yeah, no, we're
good. How are you?
I'm good, I'm good. Good,
good, good. Yeah, I'm good.
Good, good. [chuckles]
I, uh… I, um… I…
I... [gasping] I
thought they loved me.
[sobbing]
Luther, pull yourself
together, man.
-You'll be all right.
-[Luther crying]
-Hey, what are you doing back there?
-[dramatic sting]
-Oh!
-Oh, f*cking hell.
The window of nothingness.
-[exclaims]
-[dramatic sting]
Who would do this to you?
My… people.
At… at least, I thought
they were my people.
I came home after the park,
and… and… and there was a party.
And… and… and I thought,
"Hey, I… I'm a good dog.
[chuckles] I deserve a party."
-Sure, you do.
-It was crazy and decadent.
[panting] No rules.
As much as you wanted, right?
They let you drink
from the toilet.
They filled it with Kool-Aid.
[panting] Best g*dd*mn
f*cking Kool-Aid I ever had.
[sobbing]
Well, hey, Luther, your
schlong looks twice as big.
So, that's cool.
It'll be all right.
No, it's not going
to be all right!
Nothing will ever
be the same again!
Easy there, mate, easy.
Look, I know the pain, all right?
Just remember, you're not alone.
I… I mean, you are in a sense
'cause your ball buddies are gone.
[clears throat] But you've
got to rely on yourself now.
All right?
[sniffles]
-[dog] Hello, Luther.
-[intriguing music]
I just saw your ba*ls on a milk
carton, because they've gone missing.
[sardonic laughter]
[grunts] Sterling.
Man, I hate that as*h*le.
Sterling, I thought
you were my friend.
That was yesterday.
Today, you're a mutilated freak.
I'm a show dog.
These are your friends now.
You can all get together and
lick each other's nothingness.
[sardonic laughter]
Hey, I still have mine.
What? [chuckles weakly]
-[Luther groaning]
-[Sterling continues laughing]
Oh… [panting]
[laughing]
Oh God. It itches.
Can somebody corn on
the cob me real quick?
-Just like a horizontal chew jag?
-[music ends]
Someone please put this
loser out of his misery.
Pathetic.
[Luther sobbing]
[Rocco groans]
Now, listen, you feather-puss f*ck!
You aren't any better than us.
No, actually, I am
better than you.
I've been refined over
generations to genetic perfection,
while your mom sh*t you out
into a trash can somewhere.
Don't you talk about
my mum! Understand?
She had 15 pups, and she
did her best that she could.
So… so… so some of us didn't get a nipple.
It doesn't mean she didn't love me.
Hey, Rocco, easy.
Let Team Bull handle this. This
guy isn't worth it, all right?
Oh! All hail the king of the
ball-less and maimed. [laughs]
[Bull sniffing]
-[intriguing music continues]
-What is that, by the way? Eucalyptus?
You get a fancy little
bath this morning?
All scrubbed up and pampered
like a little goldendoodle?
[both chuckling]
-You know what I smell like?
-Yeah, piss and sh*t.
Yeah, exactly.
And meat and grass.
Toilet water.
And maybe a hint of
unexpressed a**l glands.
I smell like a real dog.
You see these, chief?
I was born ba*ls-first,
guy. Literally.
You know my mom pushed like
an hour just for the nuts.
We were born like
a set of triplets,
coming out one after the
other after the other,
each one more gorgeous
than the last.
The vet was like, "Jesus,
look at that nut."
"Oh my God, look at the
second nut! It's gorgeous!"
And then, "Wow. Look at the guy
those nuts are attached to."
[music stops]
I can see the resemblance. You
look exactly like a b*ll s*ck.
[laughs] I figured this
moron wouldn't understand.
I mean, he's been inbred
for generations, right?
Do you ever think
about just how many cousins and
siblings had to f*ck each other
to produce a d*uche
bag like you?
[all gasping, laughing]
[female dog moaning]
[both moaning]
Human-style, baby.
[groans] Yeah.
The people are watching us.
-Quick, put your tail in my a*s.
-[pop]
[both moaning]
Why are they watching this?
Humans are just as obsessed
with sex as we are.
-Oh, hi.
-Hey, Honey.
When my humans do it, I climb on the
bed and stare them right in the eye.
Totally ruins it for
them. It's hilarious.
[sobbing]
Oh, Luther, sorry for your loss.
Hey, Honey. Or should I say… [in
British accent] "Greetings, my queen"?
Oh! Hello, my darling.
Hey, Sterling.
Your loins are
really filling out.
-[intriguing music playing]
-Mm. Very nice. I like.
Excuse me? We were talking.
And look at the
depth of your chest.
Oh, my. [seductively]
You're floor-ready for sure.
Thanks.
-Wow, you really think so?
-Yes.
I know I'm obviously
gonna take Best of Breed,
but you actually have a
chance to take Winner's b*tch.
-Listen, as*h*le, you can't call her...
-No, that's actually good.
It is?
Yeah, it would be
amazing, actually.
It could be better than amazing, 'cause
then we could do a little of that.
[both moaning]
-Kiki…
-[Kiki howls softly]
[Kiki groans]
I don't know.
That's not really my style.
I'm more of a traditionalist.
Oh, yeah, yep. [splutters]
Yeah, I'm into the traditionalist
way of doing that. That's so cool.
I just wanna back it up
and take my time with it.
Oh yeah, no, I think I... I think
I understand, uh, conceptually.
-And then clamp on for the ride.
-[thud]
-[music stops]
-sh*t. Can you imagine?
He would not know what to do.
Like a lost little puppy.
A little different than
busting on couch cushions, huh?
Or you're probably the
granny or the Nana type, yes?
Yes! Oh yes, look at that look.
You are, aren't you?
What a little perv.
Who doesn't wanna do their Nana?
I mean, when ours comes to visit, I
climb that mountain and grind it hard.
Every time.
Ooh, I just concentrate
on her bony knees and…
[moans, groans]
…get all deep on that sh*t.
Right, Bull?
Oh yeah. No, totally. f*cking…
f*cking grandmas. It's so cool.
[woman whistles] Come
on, everyone, time to go!
-[man] All right!
-[woman] Let's go!
[somber music playing]
[Sterling chuckles]
Mm. I love me some
after-park stink!
I can't believe
you sh*t on Ralph.
I told you. I didn't see him.
[Ralph whimpering]
You know, mate, it's not
the ba*ls that make the dog.
Sure, we can't make pups,
but other than that, it
don't make no difference.
Oh yeah, Roc, I know.
If anything, it's just like
extra baggage in the back.
-It's a drag, honestly.
-[music fades]
Why do you like
that pathetic mutt?
Who, Bull? Oh, you know,
he's my next-door neighbor.
We've, like, known each other
since we were on the teat.
I mean, "like"? How
can you like Bull?
Why would you... Why
would anyone like Bull?
He's weird. He's awkward.
He's, like, sweet and funny.
He's pudgy, but he's not like…
I wouldn't say he's "fat" pudgy,
-Okay, I really don't care, goodbye.
-There's a lot to chew on.
Not that I want to chew on
Bull, I'm not saying that,
but he looks like a grocery
bag filled with potatoes.
[laughs] I mean, is that
cute? Or, you know, sexy?
No, I'm not saying that, but I guess
if you like potatoes, it could be.
But, you know, I like potatoes,
but they're not for everybody.
And, I mean, I'm just a show
dog, and he's a regular dog.
[enchanting music playing]
Why would he ever
like someone like me?
[music fades]
[birds singing]
[Bull whimpering, groaning]
Sterling, you
c*ck-faced as*h*le.
[barks]
[tense music playing]
[mom] Who's a good boy?
[girl] Who's my baby?
[dad] Scratchies and
rubbies for the big fella!
-[grunting]
-[action music playing]
-[mom] Here's your bone!
-[girl] And Mr. Squeaks!
[dad] We're having fun now!
[squeaking]
But this is the no-no couch.
-[mom] Who's hungry for some meat?
-Oh!
[dad] Who wants the
ball? Go get it, boy.
Fetch in the house!
-[clattering]
-[glass shattering]
[snout squealing]
-Oh no.
-[dad] Who made a big mess?
[mom] Who wants some yummies?
-Here, f*ck my slippers.
-[dad] Dig through the trash.
Who's thirsty?
[barks]
Come on, boy.
Delightful day.
Get in there, boy.
What? The shiny white throne?
[tense music playing]
Where's my water bowl?
[dad] Here we go. Special
treat for the special boy.
What the…
[ominous music playing]
[echoing] They filled
it with Kool-Aid.
They let you do
whatever you want.
[all echoing eerily] It
happened like that to all of us.
-Holy…
-[dad] It's all right.
Come on. Just get in there.
[liquid splashing]
No! No. No. [yelps]
Oh, it's so good.
Oh, it's so good.
But no.
[dad] Oh! Look at
that. What a happy boy.
[girl echoing] Dad,
is he gonna be okay?
[dad echoing] He's gonna
be better than ever.
-f*ck me.
-[ominous music ends]
[birds chirping]
[Bull yells] Why?
[Bull cries]
Why?
Well, there goes another pair.
-Why? Why? Why?
-[tense music playing]
Why us? Wh… what did
we do? What did we do?
[exclaims]
Sure, f*cking Nana, in
hindsight, wasn't a great idea,
but the punishment
does not fit the crime!
[yells]
Oh, for f*ck's sake, Bull. Take it
easy. It was bound to happen eventually.
We survived it.
You don't get it.
These are my ba*ls!
Without them, I'll be
like some lifeless zombie.
[blankly] "Pet me,
feed me, walk me."
Oh, we're zombies now?
You're talking crazy, Bull.
And it's really hurtful.
Hurtful?
How do you think I'm gonna
feel when they rip my nuts out?
You think that'll
be a little painful?
They might as well rip
out my heart, my soul!
It's all the same.
I'm scared.
You should be scared.
We all should be scared.
There's nothing after this.
The sun won't shine as bright.
Bacon will be less bacon-y.
The scent of life will
be dulled forever.
[soft music playing]
And Honey… Oh, my
sweet, sweet Honey.
No way she's gonna want a fat,
ball-less, no-pup-making freak!
Don't you think Honey might like
you because of who you are inside
and not because you have ba*ls?
Now who's talking crazy?
You know nothing
about this, Fetch.
I've had enough.
I know you're scared, Bull, but
you're kinda being an as*h*le.
-What?
-[music stops]
-Wait, where are you guys going?
-You know what?
You're just like all
those other shitheads
who think just because they got
danglers between their legs,
it makes them better
than everyone else.
Go f*ck yourself, Bull.
Oh yeah? Like that's
even possible!
[groans, sobs]
[thud]
[groaning]
[groaning, whimpering]
Bull? Is that horrible
noise coming from you?
[cries, sniffs]
Oh. Hey, Honey.
Yeah, it's me. Whoa.
[seductive music playing]
Wow.
I mean, really,
wow. You look great.
-Oh, thanks.
-[music fades]
It's showtime, so I gotta
get properly primped,
which, if you didn't know,
involves hours and hours of, uh,
brushing and brushing,
and then I got my nails clipped, then
I got my teeth brushed, and then…
What's up with you?
Are you all right? Oh no.
Did Nana die?
Oh. Well, you knew
it wouldn't last.
Oh no, she's fine.
You know, it's just…
just my whole future.
All my plans.
It's just hard to say this, but I…
You know, just found out that I, uh...
-[woman] Honey, come! Let's go, girl.
-Oh, uh, sorry, Bull, gotta go.
Wish me luck.
Mm-hmm. Sure.
Okay, well, good luck!
I'll just be here until
they amputate my nut buds.
Goodbye, Honey. I shall never
partake in your sweet nectar.
I, uh… I always loved you.
There, I said it. You didn't
hear it, but I said it.
[sobbing]
[yells] f*ck!
Dogs are disgusting.
They're constantly smelling
butts, licking ba*ls, drooling…
Ugh!
-You wanna eat some garbage?
-Oh, yes, please.
[gasping]
-[dad] Hey, Bull.
-[toy squeaking]
You wanna play, big guy?
Here he comes, the head of
the castrating committee.
[dad] What do you say,
buddy? Wanna play some fetch?
[ball squeaks]
[sad music playing]
[Bull] Look at me. Look at me!
Look at the pain you
have inflicted on me.
Don't you pet me. Don't… pet me.
Don't pet me!
[dad sighs]
[Bull] Yeah, that's
right. Walk away.
Walk away, you b*stard!
How?
How could you possibly
live with yourself
and what you're about to do?
[ant groaning]
[music fades]
[ant grunting]
Ah, look at this little guy
pushing his little crumb.
You want any help, friend?
No! I got this.
[strained] I got it. Uh! I can
do it. [groaning continues]
Yes.
-Yes, you can! So can I!
-[inspirational music playing]
I don't have to submit to
this senseless mutilation.
I, like the ant, will push that
metaphoric crumb, my ba*ls,
up the grass of
hope and opportunity
to freedom!
[music swells]
[dad and mom laughing]
These two-legged,
upright, hairless jerks.
You think just because you give me food
and shelter and little kisses and hugs
and make me feel so
safe and warm and loved,
that gives you the
right to butcher me.
No more collars, no more baths,
no more teeth cleanings for me.
-[grunts]
-[glass breaking, crashing]
I'm gonna eat what I
want, sleep where I want.
I'm gonna do whatever I
want, whenever I want,
with newer, better friends.
I am a wild f*cking wolf!
[music crescendos]
[Bull shouting]
-[music ends with dramatic sting]
-[loud thud]
Ow.
[creaking]
[groaning]
-["Hurt So Bad" by Willie Hutch playing]
-♪ Hurt, it hurt so bad ♪
♪ Hurt, it hurt so bad ♪
♪ Hurt, it hurt so bad ♪
♪ Hurt so bad ♪
♪ I know you ♪
♪ Don't know what I
am going through ♪
♪ Standing here ♪
♪ Looking at you ♪
[dog barking]
♪ Please ♪
Brainless loser.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ Come back, it hurts so bad ♪
♪ Yes, it does ♪
-[song fades]
-[sirens wailing in the distance]
Well, there it is, boys.
Our destiny awaits.
It's gonna be just
the three of us now,
so we might as well get to
know each other properly.
Lefty, you've always
been a little bigger,
and, for some reason,
consistently spicier.
So your name will be Ol' Spice.
Righty, you're small but mighty.
A take-charge type.
You will be Napoleon.
-[intriguing music playing]
-You see all that?
That's our new home.
As far as the eye can see.
[music stops]
[cars honking, revving]
[stomach growls]
sh*t. I'm already hungry.
Where am I gonna eat?
Maybe I didn't think
this all the way through.
[sniffing]
[gasps]
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[gulps]
[slurps]
[exclaims] Oh, food rain!
Never get that in the
old domesticated dungeon.
[gulps]
[upbeat music continues]
[people laughing]
[Bull chuckles]
[music stops]
[mellow reggae music playing]
[soft inhaling]
[inhaling]
[soft exhaling]
[sniffing]
Whoa.
That smell is weird.
It's like it has a hint of skunk
with just a kiss of citrus and pine.
Mmm.
[inhales deeply]
[gagging, coughing]
[mellow reggae music continues]
[moaning]
[ethereal music playing]
-[muffled rumbling]
-[echoing] Oh… What's that sound?
[muffled rumbling continues]
[echoing] Hey! Stop that.
I'm gonna get you.
-[Honey] Hey, Bull.
-What?
Why, hello, my… milady.
So happy I found you.
I feel like we didn't get to
finish our conversation. [echoing]
Oh, uh, you know…
Actually, I was gonna
say, like, you know,
I'm in love with you,
always have been.
Is that cool?
That's very cool.
Can I lick your ba*ls?
[chuckles]
Uh…
Yeah. I mean, I wasn't expecting
that to be first on the itinerary,
but if that's how you
express your love…
[loud licking]
-[Honey] Mm. Mmm!
-[Bull exclaims]
[Honey] These are great.
So good. So mushy but firm.
Ah, oh. Ow!
Hey, that stings. It's
like tiny little needles.
[rats squeaking]
[ominous music playing]
[Bull screams]
[rats squeal]
[loud squealing]
[screams]
[dramatic music playing]
-[blade clinks]
-[Bull gasps]
[music stops]
Oh!
-[eerie music playing]
-[sizzling]
[gasps]
-[truck horn blaring]
-[balloons pop]
Oh
[male voice 1] Help us.
Don't let it happen to us!
-Who said that?
-[male voice 1] Please, help.
Who's there?
[male voice 2] Down here!
[mysterious music playing]
Don't just stand there staring
like some kind of buffoon.
Do something!
Ol' Spice? Y… you can talk?
Of course I can talk, you idiot.
Now what are you
gonna do to save us?
[in French accent] This
dog, he is not smart.
We must wait no longer.
It is time to put fate into our own
hands, not the cold paws of this fool.
I agree, Frenchie.
We've been hanging around
this loser for far too long.
-[both groaning]
-[upbeat music playing]
No, my bros!
Come back! I got this, really! I would
never let anything happen to you.
[Bull screams] No!
Wait! Wait! Come back!
[music stops]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You f*cking cat!
Let go of my ba*ls!
[quirky music playing]
What? [jabbering]
Wait, where am I?
[sighs]
Oh, my ba*ls.
[laughs] Thank God.
Ooh! It was all a bad dream.
[sighs in relief]
Uh, well, you look busy, so
I'll just see myself out.
[cats meowing]
-Yeah, you f*cking dogs.
-[tense music playing]
Needy, neurotic cretins.
Pissing and sh1tting
wherever you please,
like the world is
your personal toilet.
Yeah, time we teach you
furniture-f*ck a lesson.
-[cats growling]
-How to die.
-[Bull exclaims]
-[cats gasping]
[music stops]
[sniffing] Meow, he's dead.
-Eh, could be a trick.
-[dramatic music]
Better rip his face to
shreds to be sure. [grunts]
[yowls, hisses]
[claws clink]
[inspirational music playing]
My… my pack!
Huh?
What are you supposed to be?
[upbeat rock music playing]
Mother calls this
"Bad Boy Fetch."
[engine revving]
[music stops]
f*cking dogs.
-[spitting]
-[cats mewing]
-You… You came for me?
-[tense music playing]
After everything I said?
We know you didn't mean it. You
were panicked, delusional, crazed.
You had the nut-loss fever.
I am so sorry.
I was just so scared,
angry, confused,
I lashed out at
you, my crate-mates.
Apology accepted.
Now, what the hell are we gonna
do about all these f*cking cats?
-[music ends with dramatic sting]
-[cats yowling]
[yowling swells]
[yowling continues]
[rapid pounding]
This is some tense sh*t.
Why aren't they attacking?
'Cause they're trying
to mind f*ck us.
It's that meowing.
They're trying to lull us into
some kind of hypnotic trance.
-I think it's working.
-[eerie ringing]
[yowling continues]
Then, when you least expect it,
they'll attack us in a mad,
uncontrollable rage of fury.
I… I can't move.
[pounding stops]
[menacing music playing]
[menacing music swells]
[music stops]
[yowling stops]
[eerie silence]
-[cat yowls]
-[Rocco screams]
-[Bull screams]
-[cat screeching]
-[Lucky screams]
-[cat hissing]
-[cats screeching]
-[Fetch screams]
-[frantic music playing]
-[cat shrieking]
[Bull screaming]
[cats screeching]
-[tires squealing]
-[car honks]
[music halts]
[objects clatter]
-[music continues]
-[all screaming]
-[music ends with dramatic sting]
-[spits] f*cking dogs.
[soft squeaking]
[all panting, gasping]
-Well, I guess that's it.
-[sad music playing]
-Time to go home and face the hatchet.
-[music fades]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a sec. You
know, we didn't get to use our giblets
before them humans
ripped them away from us,
but you still have yours.
We're gonna go out there
and suck every bit of fun out of
those ba*ls before you lose them.
Together.
We're all gonna suck your ba*ls.
-What?
-Whoa.
-Huh?
-Oh no, no.
I meant we're just
going along for the ride
as you enjoy your ba*ls
before you lose them.
That's right, Lucky. It'll
never be tonight ever again.
We're domesticated and proud.
-But tonight, we're off leash!
-[music fades]
[adventurous music playing]
[squirrel screams]
-k*ll the squirrel!
-[cars honking]
[squirrel whimpering]
[indistinct chatter]
-[glass shattering]
-[people screaming]
-[waiter yelps]
-[people continue screaming]
-[glass shattering]
-[objects clattering]
[squirrel screaming]
[woman screams]
[exclaims]
[loud munching]
[music stops]
-Oh sh*t.
-[Bull burps]
We just mutilated that
poor little squirrel.
Why do you think
we were chasing it?
I don't know.
Why do dogs chase squirrels?
Because we hate those disease-ridden,
furry little tree rodents.
[exclaims]
How am I supposed to clean myself?
I don't wanna lick squirrel blood.
Ugh, yuck!
[soft skittering]
Another squirrel!
[dramatic music playing]
Lucky, no, that's
not a squirrel!
-That's a skunk!
-[loud hissing]
[all gasp]
[Lucky yells]
-[music intensifies]
-[loud shrieking]
-[yells] Ah! Ah! My eyes! No! No! Ah!
-[tense music playing]
Oh, my eyes are itching so bad!
[groaning]
[continues yelling]
Oh! Yeah! Wow, it hurts so good!
[Lucky screams]
[retches, coughs]
Whoa. Guys, you
gotta get in on this.
[Lucky gags, retches]
-Oh yeah, uh-uh.
-Hell, no.
Yeah, I'm good.
[adventurous music playing]
[Bull] f*ck off, humans!
No one tells us where to sh*t.
[adventurous music continues]
-[paws squealing]
-[music fades]
[suspenseful music playing]
[echoing] Help me.
They've gone too far.
-[all barking]
-[woman exclaims] Crazy dogs!
[squeaking]
Uh… Uh… Uh…
Hey! I can walk. I
can walk, I can walk!
[adventurous music continues]
-[crashing]
-[man yelps]
-[engine revving]
-[squeaks]
[music pauses]
[sighs]
Freedom has its cost.
-[music continues]
-[cars honking]
-[thud]
-[tires squealing]
-[music stops]
-What the hell?
Bull?
[muffled voice] Honey? Honey,
I can't believe it's you.
-What?
-[Honey's owner] Oh my goodness.
I hope you're all right.
Bull, are you okay?
Oh, wow. It's crazy to see you like this
'cause I… I realized with everything…
And then, 'cause I… I…
-Uh, well, I… I love you.
-[tires squealing]
[Honey] Sorry, Bull. We're
late for the dog show!
Hey! Hey. Did you
get hit by a car?
-Honey.
-Huh?
-Where?
-Here.
-Huh?
-Honey.
What happened?
Bull got hit by a car
and thinks he saw Honey.
I did see her, and… and… Well,
I tried to tell her I love her.
She was late for the dog show and
drove off before I could tell her.
Now, I never will.
I couldn't do it with my ba*ls, and
without them, it'll be impossible.
[all gasp]
-She's gone forever.
-[tense music playing]
Bull, what do you smell?
[sniffs]
Uh… Dog shampoo…
[sniffs]
…perfume,
pretentious assholes,
judgment and the stench
of disappointment.
Oh my gosh!
-[epic music playing]
-[Bull chuckles]
The dog show!
[Rocco] Now let's
get you some Honey.
[music stops]
[cameras clicking]
[crowd cheering]
How are we gonna get in?
Ooh! I've got an idea.
[mysterious music playing]
[groaning]
[Lucky] I don't know
about this, guys.
[Fetch] Come on, Lucky. You're so
good at making that human sound.
They'll never know.
-[Fetch groans]
-[Lucky exclaims, squeaks]
[Rocco] f*cking hell,
boys. Posture, posture.
[creaking]
[Bull] Fetch, tuck
in that nose-b*ner.
[creaking]
No! That's even worse.
[music ends]
-[in high-pitched bark] Hi!
-Oh, uh, hi.
-How's it going?
-Hi!
[Bull] How? That guy is
really bad at his job.
[scattered barking]
[suspenseful music playing]
Leg back, spine
straight, chin up.
Perfect.
Peppy walk, peppy walk,
peppy walk, peppy walk.
Victory jump, victory
jump, victory jump.
A-woof. A-woof. A-woof.
Oh, that's not right.
Ruff! Ruff!
Oh, that's the good stuff.
Well done, old chap.
[man over PA] Next up, the
borzoi showing, stage one.
-[crowd cheering]
-He said borzoi. That's Honey!
Gotta find stage one.
[sobbing] I'm worthless.
I should be put to sleep.
I don't deserve
to live. [crying]
Oh, jeez. Harsh.
These poor dogs,
constantly judged.
What a life.
A flower does not think of competing
with the flower next to it.
-[ethereal music playing]
-It just blooms.
To be a champion, you must face
not the competitor next to you.
You must face the
one inside you.
[music fades]
Wow. That is so deep, Lucky.
[sniffs] Oh, chocolate
soft serve on the floor!
No, Lucky, that's sh*t!
[indistinct chatter]
[chilling music playing]
[music fades]
That is just freaky.
[announcer over PA] And now,
to announce our Best of Breed.
-Entry number 48.
-Honey.
Three-time winner and
reigning champion, Sterling!
-[crowd cheering]
-[classical music playing]
Yes, of course, of course.
Sterling wins. No surprise here.
[cameras clicking]
Ugh, he's such a d*uche.
[announcer] And now, for
our best-judged female,
taking home the title of Best
Breed and now champion, Honey!
-Wow. I can't believe it. I did it!
-[crowd cheering]
-[epic music playing]
-[cameras clicking]
I told you. All your
hard work paid off.
Look how happy she is.
Why would she ever want a
miserable sack of sh*t like me?
[gloomy music playing]
[camera clicking]
Look at you, standing
out from the crowd.
So special.
[music fades]
[quirky music playing]
So special?
[Bull] But what if you're
different? Is that bad?
You're, like, so much better than me.
It's my nose, isn't it? It's too long.
-Wait, no, it looks just like mine.
-It's your a*s. It's so symmetrical.
Why do I keep torturing
myself? I'll never win.
You're perfect.
This is hopeless!
I hope you choke on
your blue ribbon, b*tch!
-Whoa. What?
-I shouldn't have eaten breakfast.
Why would they choose a
pig to win a dog show?
-No!
-[music fades]
Ugh, how did I not see this?
Different is good.
I don't want to be
like everyone else.
-[sentimental music playing]
-[sighs] Bull was right.
I wanna be me.
And I want…
Bull?
[scattered barking]
Ugh. Non-brushed, horrid smell.
-You're not a show dog, vile creature.
-f*ck you.
You think you're better because you
drank from your mother's nipple.
-What?
-I'm as good as you. My mama loved me!
She did her best. There were
-How can one mother feed so many mouths?
-[dramatic sting]
Reginald, we're on stage, now!
Ugh, this is not gonna end well.
[tense music playing]
[growling]
[Reginald's owner]
Reginald, stop resisting.
[tense music continues]
[Rocco] Oh.
[Rocco groans]
[grunts]
[gulps]
[Rocco grunts, gasps]
-[ears snap]
-[groans]
[growling]
Don't do it, mate.
Don't go down there.
[music builds]
[dramatic sting]
-[Reginald's owner screams]
-[Rocco barks]
[all barking]
-[people exclaiming, screaming]
-[dogs barking]
[frantic music playing]
Bull! Bull!
-[music stops]
-[people screaming]
Ugh. Can this night
get any worse?
Hey, we're here for you, pal.
Come on, the
night's still young.
Ooh! Let's go get sprayed
by that skunk again!
No, thanks.
Mother says some herbal tea
always brightens the mood.
Oh, f*ck your mother, Fetch!
What Bull needs right now
is to teabag someone
before his bags are gone!
I'm sorry, guys.
I can't. I'm done.
Look, I know that wasn't ideal,
but we can't go out like that.
Yeah. [exhales] I'm not feeling
super… duh… in the mood right now.
So let's get in the mood.
There's no better way
to get over heartbreak
than to immediately
move to someone else.
[sighs] Just forget it, Rocco.
Damn, I need to mount something stat.
You wanna head to the Humphouse tonight?
Yes, please. That place
is swimming with tail.
No sh*t, Richie. It's
a dog whorehouse.
Ugh, why do you have to be
such a d*ck all the time?
Let's follow those guys.
They sound goal-oriented.
-[techno music playing]
-[sirens wailing in the distance]
Whoa.
Whoo! Hot stuff up in here
tonight. I gotta get me a drink.
Yeah! This is what
tonight is all about.
-Let's hit it.
-Sure. Whatever. If you guys want.
[techno music continues]
Welcome, b*tches.
Are you ready to go wild?
See, I tried that earlier.
I was going crazy.
Oh, sweetheart, it is
not wild out there.
This is the place where
it is… [breathily] …wild.
Now enter the house of pleasure.
[Fetch] This way?
-[Rocco] Yeah. All right.
-[Bull] Okay.
What is it, baby?
I don't know.
I guess I've never met
another dog like you.
Mm. And you never will again.
I am one of a kind.
I am Frankie.
Frankie?
Mm-hmm.
What is your name?
Lucky.
[playfully] Ooh. Yes,
you are, aren't you?
Follow me.
Okay, sure.
["Candy Shop" by 50 Cent
featuring Olivia playing]
-♪ Whoa ♪
-♪ I'll take you to the candy shop ♪
♪ Yeah… ♪
f*ck me.
-♪ Uh-huh ♪
-♪ I'll have you spendin' all you got ♪
-♪ Come on ♪
-♪ Keep goin' 'til you hit the spot… ♪
[dog moaning]
Mother, help me.
♪ Temperature risin', okay
Let's go to the next level ♪
♪ Dance floor jam-packed
Hot as a tea kettle ♪
♪ I'll break it down for
you now Baby, it's simple ♪
♪ If you be a nympho,
I'll be a nympho ♪
-♪ In the hotel… ♪
-[dog barks]
[dogs whimpering]
♪ It's whatever you into ♪
♪ Got the magic stick
I'm the love doctor ♪
♪ Have your friends teasin' you
'Bout how sprung I got you… ♪
Sit!
[all whimper]
Roll over!
[all whimper]
Play dead!
[all whimper]
[trembling] Oh sh*t.
That's hardcore.
♪ I'm tryin' to explain,
baby The best way I can… ♪
[dogs barking]
[moaning]
-[squeaking]
-[moaning]
Uh… uh… uh, you know what?
This is all really intense,
and with all the Honey stuff
going on, I don't know if I...
Bull, forget about Honey,
son. She's not here.
But you are, and so is she.
♪ The things we do ♪
♪ Are just between
me and you, yeah ♪
♪ Give it to me, baby… ♪
The cuties are out tonight.
♪ Ride like you in a rodeo ♪
♪ You ain't never heard A
sound like this before… ♪
Oh, okay. I'm gonna
go check this one out.
Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t.
I don't know what to do.
Just be yourself.
I don't know who that is!
["Candy Shop" continues]
Hey, what's up?
[Rocco chuckles]
Hi, this is Bull. Never been adjusted.
All natural. Know what I'm saying?
[Bull chuckles]
Well, hello, Bull.
[seductively] I'm Molasses.
[Bull echoing] Molasses.
-["Sweet Sticky Thing" by Ohio Players]
-♪ Sweet ♪
♪ Sweet, sticky thing ♪
♪ Sweet ♪
-It's a sign.
-[song ends]
-Molasses is a tastier version of Honey.
-["Candy Shop" continues]
Go get it.
[splutters] Can I get some?
Get some of what?
Oh, I mean, can I
some drink on you?
No, wait. Uh, uh...
Yeah, a drink of you?
Can I, uh, I mean,
get you a drink?
Oh, okay. Follow me.
["Candy Shop" continues]
No worries, mate.
You've got this.
-Really?
-Nope.
He's f*cked.
[sirens wailing in the distance]
Yeah, I don't know.
I guess I'm always chasing
a new smell or a new taste
because, to me, that's like
truth or something, I guess.
But… [sighs] …I'm never satisfied.
Does that make any sense?
Yes. Of course it does.
But perhaps you
fixate on the external
because you are scared of
something which lies inside.
[soft music playing]
I know this feeling well.
You struggle to accept yourself,
to love yourself.
Well, uh, you're right.
I've always felt kind
of different, I guess.
I don't know how to love myself.
And maybe you could show me?
-[Frankie] Mm-hmm.
-[licking sound]
Oh.
Uh… [screams]
[yelling]
-Oh! [chuckles]
-[joyful music playing]
Yeah!
-Okay, that was quick.
-[music stops]
Now… it is your turn.
[mumbles indistinctly]
Well, what do I do?
The same thing I did to you.
But I've never done anything
like this. [laughs] So…
Wow! I haven't seen
one like that before.
[chuckles]
Sweetheart, that is my
specialness. My… my everything.
Myself, which is very
deserving of love.
You've got a pea
pod and a zucchini?
Yummy, isn't it?
Are you hungry?
Well, sure. I'm always hungry.
[Frankie yelps]
What the f*ck was that?
[entrancing music playing]
[Bull chuckles awkwardly]
[panting]
You nervous, baby?
[mumbling] Yeah, I'm…
Let's see what you're all about.
-[sniffles]
-[Bull groans]
Ooh, that's musky.
Oh, my!
Have you ever smelled
pure, untapped heat?
[sniffs]
You know, I… I…
I don't think so.
Is that what that smell
is? It's quite tangy.
It's like a sausage but
sweeter, like apple sausage.
I… I always wondered, is apple
sausage made from real apples?
-Oh, bathe in it, boo-boo.
-[seductive sting]
[inhales deeply]
It'll cleanse you of any
inhibitions, fill you with desire.
Actually, it's clearing
my allergies. [sniffs]
Or it might be a chronic
sinus issue. Hard to tell.
-You're babbling.
-Me? No, that's silly.
It's just my oral foreplay.
You know, some dogs do it with
their tongues, or whatever.
But I throw out the seduction and pleasure
through an audio-symphonic "d*ck-tation,"
if you know what I mean,
if you catch my drift…
Well, then, why won't you just
speak into the microphone?
Hey! [chuckles]
Is this thing on?
What's the deal with fire
hydrants? Am I right?
Slow down, cowboy. Good
things come to those who wait.
Yeah. I don't know
how true that is.
I was waiting for something
good, my best friend, Honey.
-Mm-hmm.
-You'd like her, actually.
Similar name categories
too, interestingly enough.
I guess I always thought
there was a chance.
But I waited and waited,
and now it's too late.
I know I said best friend, but
Honey's actually a lot more than that.
She's basically my cool,
wet grass that I scoot on.
She's my first morning pee.
You know what? Can you
get an itch for me?
It's all the way
by my shoulders.
Yeah, sure. Okay.
She's all I ever
needed or wanted,
and I never had the courage to just
say what I needed to say to her.
[gasps] Here we go!
-Bull?!
-[dramatic sting]
Honey! Oh my God, you're here!
Oh, okay, you know what? I'm
really not into multiples.
I'm kidding! I totally am!
Can you imagine if that's
where I drew the line?
Un-f*cking-real.
I can't believe I ran away from a show
just to find you mounting another dog.
You left the show to find me?
Wait. That's amazing!
That's great!
This isn't, by the way...
I'm not mounting anybody.
Well, what would you call that?
What the... No, no!
-[groaning]
-Yeah, you ain't going nowhere now, baby.
-[Bull struggling]
-[Molasses] Mm-hmm.
[grunting, moaning]
[tense music playing]
-God, I'm such an idiot.
-Honey, no! Wait, I can explain!
I saw you and Sterling,
and I thought...
I mean, that's what
you wanted, isn't it?
Doesn't matter now. I thought
maybe you were different.
Clearly, you are the
same as all of them.
No! Honey, this is not that.
You're hanging by your
d*ck from her vag*na, Bull!
What do you call it?
I don't know what to call
it, but it isn't sex.
-Oh sh*t! It's the cops!
-[police sirens wailing]
-[dramatic music playing]
-[dogs barking in the distance]
I will rescue you, my darling.
[dogs barking]
You are the best
lover I ever had.
No inhibitions, pure desire.
-[Lucky yells]
-Lucky, no!
[barking]
Stay away from
her, m*therf*ckers!
-[barking]
-[officers grunting]
[Honey barks, growls]
I can handle myself.
Stay away from me.
[Bull yelps]
[dramatic music continues]
sh*t! [gasps]
[groans] No!
We gotta get out
of here! [gasps]
Oh! Rocco! Ah!
[music ends]
[dog whimpering]
[dogs barking]
[sinister music playing]
[female dog 1] Ooh!
[whistling]
Ooh. You're mine now.
[growling]
[Fetch whimpering]
Oh sh*t! Look at those ba*ls!
Come on, come on, I'm in heat!
Take me now, take me now!
Give me the juice, give me
the juice, give me the juice!
Hey, baby.
[Rocco exclaims]
f*cking hell, n*pples.
Look at those n*pples! Look at
all them n*pples. [trembling]
[female dog 2] Come on
and suck on these teats.
-Mum, can I finally really have some, Mum?
-[female dog 2] Come get it, boy.
-No, Rocco! That's not your mom!
-But the n*pples! The n*pples!
[music ends]
[Rocco barking]
Honey.
[emotional music playing]
[Fetch sighs]
I'm a convict. Mother
will never forgive me.
No more likes. No more hearts.
You have to face
the truth, Fetch.
You're just a dog.
[sniffles]
Bow-wow-wow.
[sobs]
Bow-wow.
[cries]
[Lucky sighs]
I know this probably isn't the right
time to say this, but I fell in love.
What? With who?
That striking Doberman, Frankie.
They are everything
and have everything.
Everything? What do you mean?
They had a fruit
and a vegetable.
Ah, I've heard about this.
You see, Frankie was born with
both a cannoli and a lasagne.
I'm confused.
That doesn't matter, okay?
All I know is they taught
me how to love myself.
And how to 699.
This is all my fault.
-[Lucky] Yeah.
-For sure.
Oh, yeah. No, everything that
happened is your fault, definitely.
-Thanks for the support.
-[officer] Oh, look at you.
You don't belong in here.
Let's see if you have a
chip. Yep, here we go.
Well, it won't be long now.
-How do you know?
-[Fetch] He scanned her chip.
Her owners are being informed
of her location as we speak.
[Bull] Well, that's
great, I guess.
She doesn't belong
in a place like this.
[somber music playing]
-[birds chirping]
-[music fades]
[officer] Right this
way. She's back here.
-[lock rattles]
-[Honey's owner gasps] There she is.
Oh, Honey, my
precious little angel.
-How you ended up here, I'll never know.
-[gate opening]
We better hurry home. We have a big
playdate for our little champion.
-[ominous music playing]
-Big playdate?
Oh no.
What is it?
That's what he meant
at the park! f*ck!
If Honey won, then he would
get to breed with her.
She's gonna be studded out
to that d*uche bag Sterling.
[sighs] It's over.
Uh-oh.
I gotta go. I gotta go bad.
Where do I go? Where do I go?
Don't you smell it, Lucky?
It's all around you.
This f*cking whole place
is a giant pee puddle.
-[intriguing music playing]
-Holy sh*t, that just might work.
All right. Listen up, everyone.
Once we were on vacation at this
place called Las Vegas, right?
They had a lot of
lights, and all the…
[music fades]
[dogs barking frantically]
[officer 1] What the
heck's going on in there?
-[dogs continue barking frantically]
-[keys jingling]
["Time to Say Goodbye" by Andrea
Bocelli and Sarah Brightman playing]
-[squeaking]
-[squeaking]
[officer 2] What the...
Bellagio these m*therf*ckers!
-[pee hisses]
-[officers grunting]
[music swells]
[Bocelli and Brightman
singing in Italian]
[pee splashing]
[shoes squeaking]
[glass shatters]
[zapping]
[popping]
[officer 1 grunting]
[grunting]
Now what?
Now you be the best
human you can be.
["Time to Say
Goodbye" crescendos]
-[dog barking]
-[song ends]
[barking happily]
[barking]
[dogs barking in the distance]
[Bull laughs]
[squeak]
[all barking]
[steps receding]
[male cat] Ah, you there, dog.
Do you think you could help out
a, you know, fellow animal here?
Yeah, uh, not gonna
happen. f*cking cats.
[steps receding]
f*cking dogs.
[dramatic music playing]
[all barking excitedly]
[tires squealing]
[dogs barking]
[paws squealing]
Bull!
What is it, Lucky? We
don't have much time.
I have to find Frankie.
-But...
-Frankie is my "Honey," Bull.
Ah sh*t, pal. That's
all you have to say.
Good luck.
[dramatic music continues]
Frankie!
Frankie!
Frankie!
[dramatic music
swells and stops]
[echoing] Frankie!
[Frankie] Hungry?
Frankie?
The one and only.
[charming music playing]
[music ends]
[tense music playing]
-[Bull] What the...
-[music stops]
[melancholy music playing]
[Fetch] Yeah, they've been
worried sick about you.
Went house-to-house looking
for you and everything.
That's how we knew you left.
They… they love and miss me?
Then why the hell do they
wanna cut off my ba*ls?!
It's sweet and horrific
all at the same time.
[upbeat music playing]
[Bull panting]
[man and woman laughing]
[Honey's owner] Oh, these two are
gonna produce a prize-winning litter.
-We're gonna make so much money.
-[glasses clink]
[Sterling's owner] Gosh, I
forgot cheese and crackers.
Ooh, I'll help you. Hold on.
-Gotta get loose. [sighs] Yeah.
-[bones cracking]
[groans]
Don't wanna pull my hammy when
I'm giving you the slam-bammy.
[groans]
Stretch it out.
-Ugh. Whatever. Less talking, please.
-[Sterling] Yeah.
Like, no talking.
Seriously, Honey, you should
consider yourself one lucky b*tch.
I'm kind of a top-notch stud.
Like, there's a long waiting list.
Oh, it's a shame you
can't mate with yourself
since you're so cool
and interesting.
[Sterling sighs]
What can I say?
Everyone wants my DNA.
I sh**t gold out of this g*n.
I've got a glistening coat,
symmetrical body structure,
healthy gums, powerful gait, and
a generally imposing stature.
Every bit the perfect as*h*le.
Yes, that too.
-It's bleached every other week.
-[tinkling]
Ugh.
-He's such a d*uche.
-What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna hop this fence and
kick the sh*t out of that f*ck!
Woo-hoo! Go, Bull!
[dramatic music playing]
[music pauses]
[Bull groans]
-[music resumes, pauses]
-[Bull groans]
-[music resumes, pauses]
-[Bull groans]
-[music resumes, pauses]
-[Bull groans]
[fence rattles]
I hope that stops soon.
I wouldn't want it to interfere with
the timing of my rhythmic thrusting.
Right. Because if there's one thing that
makes sex great, it's predictability.
Okay, I'm properly stretched.
Let's get this on, baby.
[Bull panting, gasping for air]
Oh no. They're starting.
-[dramatic music resumes]
-[Bull screams]
Ooh, this is gonna be
the most painful one.
I got this.
-[music swells, pauses]
-[Bull yelps]
Why didn't you do that
the first six times?
Well, I thought he'd make it.
[dramatic music builds]
[birds chirping]
[music ends with dramatic sting]
[suspenseful music playing]
[suspenseful music continues]
[music stops]
[Bull groans]
[Sterling] Oh.
Ooh.
Oh.
Oh yes.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh yes.
Oh! Ah.
Bull.
My queen.
[Bull exclaims]
What the hell?
Honey, I'm sorry.
I came to the dog show to tell
you… [strained] …something.
Something… [straining] …I should
have said a long time ago.
But when I saw you and…
[strained] …Sterling
up there, I thought I
had blown my chance.
["True" by Spandau
Ballet playing]
I never should have
gone to that freaky-a*s…
[strained] …Humphouse place.
-Bull, I...
-Uh. I'm sorry.
I have to say it now.
[strained] I love you.
-Oh, baby.
-[song pauses]
Oh yeah. Of course you love me.
Who wouldn't after this
jackhammering? [groaning]
[high-pitched] What?
He's going faster.
But to be clear,
I do not love you.
Sorry, but I pride myself
in always being honest.
You're just one of
the many. [groaning]
-I've loved you since we were pups.
-["True" resumes]
I loved when you
chewed on my ears.
I loved that when it rained, we
tried to bite all the raindrops.
I still pee like a girl because
the way you did it seemed better.
Oh, Bull, are you crying?
Yeah, and not really sure if
they're tears of joy or pain,
or what the heck's going on.
I don't know what's
gonna happen after this,
but know that I will always
and forever love you.
-[song ends]
-Oh, Sterling! [groaning]
Oh yeah. [laughing]
Oh yes. Oh, Sterling.
[Bull gasps]
That was interesting.
You're very tight,
or probably I'm so large.
I hope my girth didn't
hurt much, not that I care.
Okay, bye.
[Sterling's owner] What a
performance. Who wants a cookie?
[Honey's owner] I think
she really enjoyed it.
[melancholy music playing]
-[music fading]
-[birds singing]
[groaning] I'm not
dripping, am I?
That was amazing.
You're like a hero.
f*ck Lassie. f*ck Beethoven.
Even Benji can go f*ck himself.
You're the real deal.
Yeah, that was some
inspirational sh*t.
Well, I'm totally into a*s play,
but the idea that Sterling's
demon seed is inside of me
is completely traumatizing.
So I'm gonna go dump him out.
-Ow.
-[joints cracking]
Ow. Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
[steps receding]
[girl crying]
[glass squeaking]
-[dad] Bull? Oh my God!
-[girl gasping]
[girl] Bull, you're back!
[dad] Come here, Bully Boy.
-Oh, holy sh*t, he smells like a*s.
-[girl] Oh, my baby.
[groans] Watch the
butthole, people, please.
[joyful music playing]
[music fading]
[snoring]
[gasps]
[crickets chirping]
Uh, Honey?
[Bull groaning]
[continues groaning]
[gasps]
["Me and Mrs. Jones"
by Billy Paul playing]
-Honey, I...
-Quiet. It's my turn to talk.
What you did, I just… I
just wanna say thank you.
And I wanna tell
you, I love you too.
Ever since we were pups.
Just like you said.
-No way.
-Yes, you idiot.
Why do you think I was always waiting
at the fence for you to wake up?
I loved how you smelled
your first pee spot
for 15 minutes each morning,
checking the same area
over and over again.
I love that you failed
obedience school
and that you sleep on
your back spread-eagle
and that you were always
waiting for me when I got home.
["Me and Mrs. Jones" continues]
But I'm a… I'm a
mutt. You're perfect.
Well, perfection has its flaws.
I'm over it.
What about your lineage?
Oh, f*ck lineage. The world
has enough Sterlings, right?
Yeah, but you should know I'm
about to lose my one good asset.
Uh.
Yeah, trust me, no one
is gonna miss those.
Really?
Really.
You are you in spite of
those, not because of them.
[laughs] Wish you could've
told me that earlier.
We could've avoided
this whole night.
Well, I'm glad I didn't, because then
we might not have ended up together.
You are one of a kind, Bull.
And I love you for it.
And you know, I'm still in heat.
["Me And Mrs. Jones" continues]
♪ Me and Mrs., Mrs. Jones ♪
♪ Mrs. Jones, Mrs.
Jones, Mrs. Jones ♪
♪ We got a thing going on ♪
[song fades]
["Lovely Day" by
Bill Withers playing]
♪ When I wake up in
the mornin', love ♪
♪ And the sunlight
hurts my eyes ♪
-[engine starting]
-♪ And somethin' without warnin', love ♪
♪ Bears heavy on my mind ♪
♪ Then I look at you ♪
♪ And the world's
all right with me ♪
♪ Just one look at you ♪
♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪
[Bull, Ol' Spice, and
Napoleon laughing]
-♪ A lovely day ♪
-♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day ♪
-♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
-[both chuckling]
-♪ A lovely day ♪
-♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely
day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪
-♪ Then I look at you ♪
-[train horn blaring]
♪ And the world's
all right with me ♪
[steam hissing]
♪ Just one look at you ♪
♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪
[train horn blaring]
-♪ A lovely day ♪
-♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely
day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪
-♪ A lovely day ♪
-♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day… ♪
[song fades]
[upbeat music playing]
[giggling]
-'Sup, dog?
-What's up? Looking good.
-Hey, thanks.
-Wow. So fit, Bull.
Thanks, pup.
Ooh, looking good, Bull.
My man!
-What's up, Bull?
-Hey, Bull!
What's good, y'all?
[music stops]
Hey, cowboy.
Howdy, partner.
How's it feeling?
Well, you know, okay, I guess.
But sometimes I get
these phantom feelings,
like they're still there,
and then there's the nightmares.
They come haunt me like some
crazy-a*s testicle ghosts.
[spookily] "Why did
you k*ll us, Bull?"
"What did we ever
do to you? Why?"
Ooh, that's super scary.
I used to dream that
my ba*ls became clowns
and performed at
children's parties.
[puppies barking]
-Whoa!
-[crashing]
-[happy music playing]
-[Lucky] Hi, Honey.
-Hi.
-All right, doll?
Hey, fellas.
[chuckling] All those pups.
Listen, some of you might
not get the teat, all right?
But that's okay. It doesn't
make you any less of a dog.
Ugh, this mom thing is a b*tch.
I can't get a night's rest without
someone sucking on my n*pples.
[puppies barking]
-I just… I…
-[music stops]
I can't figure it out.
There's… there's no way
those could be mine.
Maybe it's something
I ate that day.
[Sterling's owner] Hey there, champ.
We've got a big surprise for you.
-We filled the toilet with Kool-Aid.
-[dramatic sting]
-No! What the f*ck?
-[owner] Come on.
No! No, no, no! Uh-uh,
no. Oh my God, no!
Karma's a b*tch. [panting]
Suck my unobstructed
d*ck, m*therf*cker!
-[upbeat music playing]
-[dogs barking]
[puppies barking]
[Honey laughing]
Hey, come on, you bougie b*tch.
It's ladies' night,
and we gotta go.
Hey, Bully, do you
mind watching the pups?
I wanna go with these crazy
b*tches and get our freak on.
Uh.
-Yeah. Okay, sure.
-[Honey] Woo-hoo!
Wait up, you hairy sluts!
-Don't look so worried, Bull.
-[music ends]
I mean, how freaky can
those girls get, right?
[Bull chuckles]
Uh, yeah. You're right, Fetch.
How freaky can they get?
["Hot in Herre"
by Nelly playing]
♪ So hot in, hot in ♪
[roars]
[crowd cheering]
[crowd cheering, barking]
[crowd cheering,
barking continues]
♪ With a little bit a
With a little bit a ♪
[music distorts]
[crowd cheering]
♪ It's gettin' hot in here ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ I am gettin' so hot ♪
♪ I wanna take my clothes off ♪
♪ Oh! Its gettin' hot in here ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ I am gettin' so hot I
wanna take my clothes off ♪
[Honey cheering]
♪ Let it hang all out ♪
♪ Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah ♪
♪ Let it hang all out ♪
♪ With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle of that ah, ah ♪
♪ Let it just fall out ♪
♪ I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, baby, make it ah, ah ♪
-♪ Oh ♪
-[song ends]
[both laughing]
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
[mellow music playing]
[music ends]
[soft music playing]
[music ends]
[funky music playing]
[music ends]
[romantic music playing]
[music fades]
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Fixed (2025)
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