01x01 - The Shell Game

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if New York is The Melting Pot then Fish

City can only be described as the booya

base trust me being a good cop in a bad

town can be m*rder

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what's with the m*rder Gil come on come

on what you

know that's me inspector

Gil no no over here I said inspector Gil

not inspector gills I'm a cop who's a

gar okay Fish City may be a crime ridden

polluted lousy place to live but on the

other fin it's

home m*rder stinks of course fish around

here aren't too fragrant when they're

alive hey Doc Kroger looks like this

pile of protein gives new meaning to the

words hit the streets yeah but first he

gave new meaning to the words hit with a

brick a table a lead pipe and only yeah

a slug from a 32 automatic so you

suspect Foul Play No natural

causes wait wait we got to get a

positive ID from the Widow

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first well what do you know Angel who

needs a widow when you got a Dame who

can ID any guy in town even though the

corpse dour was pretty well fileted I

recognized it as clam's

Casino apparently I wasn't the only one

a great detective once said she's the

kind of fish you took home to mother and

if mother didn't like her the hell with

Mother Angel used to work for me sort of

a fish Friday but trust me she always

had plenty left over for Saturday and

Sunday Angel AAR what gives usually

Angel if you asked me which nobody did

calamari's in on it somehow slimy

invertebrate hey it's kind of tining it

City into a sess pool I say you take

that eight like it sucks and come

downtown and you grill them crab we are

downtown stupid flounder Flathead hey

I'm po legal here get your eyes on both

sides of your head would you Shee

Tad I'll on the Bri table pipe and see

if you can get a lead on the 32

automatic

go well well if it isn't muscles

marinara how's my favorite brain

Doner your

favorite oh Gil you move me a crane

couldn't move you look Barnacle butt if

you know what's good for you you'll tell

your boss calamari to come down to the

station for a little

questioning hello Sandy do you see what

I see th prints I'd say they belong to a

female 52 years old slightly overweight

tall brunette wearing a green dress with

puse buttons

T why don't you scoop up the sand good

thinking

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sir I have B evidence but I could sure

use a

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witness pity we seem to have a bit of a

problem with our bartender Larry catch

his claw the again no unfortunately he

was an Uninvited Guest at this evening's

claming if he get my drift you want I

should ice him no I think the boiling

water would be a bit more permanent

let's not forget the melted what you got

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it this place belongs to Pearl she's

smart that's good she wants a husband

that's bad she's ambitious that's good

but she wants me and that's bad I want

her too that's good but not permanently

and that's the way it is at least for

now what nothing nothing Gil every

morning for 5 years you come in here you

order your usual cup of coffee black

then you ask for cream and sugar you

call your mother every Thursday except

you do it on Friday and your favorite

color is red but you wear nothing but

beige I know everything there is to know

about you it's getting to be a chronic

condition Pearl Honey Sweetie doll babe

you know how I feel about you how how

how how why do you talk like that

because all the great couples talk like

that uh Fred and Wilma Kermit and Miss

Piggy Rocky and

Bullwinkle next time get out of the way

a little faster you stupid lowlife squid

hey make sure you get all that ink off

my windshield how does he stay so cheery

high fiber

diet crab you always have an what do you

think about that if I thought about that

I wouldn't be able to walk sideways for

a month it says here 20 years ago this

clamp Casino guy run a small time racket

with our favorite octopus calamari

calamari's a squid craft squid octopus

they all look alike to me I'll bet my

shell that bag of Bin calamari's got

something to do with this m*rder thing

tell me something I don't know you got a

cornflake in your teeth do you think

Angel is involved do I hate my ex-wife

look I know you in this fin Fay tow go

way back but just the way she switched

past casino's body did it for me angel

could be completely innocent not since

she was 14 come on Pro when Angel worked

for me she just hit a nerve GE let me

guess which one Pearl I've told you a

million times Angel and I are just

friends Pals buddies Amigos then what

are we oops got to go got a date with a

m*rder hey maybe I'll come with you I

mean what if you need another brain

thanks but I have a snail on

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call Fish police goly speaking how may I

be of service

what makes you think your husband's

dead you got into bed and there was no

response oh sweetheart we're going to

need more than that I tell you what

reach for his wallet if he doesn't move

you're a widow my pleasure

h* who you likeing the seven nobody that

Tad kid isn't back with my Racing Form

yet detective catfish is that your

latest disguise from getups to go

no one will ever recognize you sir

T you are the best undercover cop on the

force dors

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kisser morning Chief you want to see me

inspector G how nice of you to join us

sleep well last night like a guppy Chief

yeah let me help you with

that so how's the family they're well

good good G it's not just that we have

Maniacs out there murdering innocent

fish or the fact that the entire city is

depending on you doing your job it's

more that if you come in late one more

time you're going to make me cranky my

wife doesn't like me being cranky my

kids don't like me being cranky and I'll

bet your co-workers don't like me being

cranky

co-workers no we don't like you being

cranky am I making myself clear loud

clear

good I could sure use some coffee make

mine black you really love it here don't

you only every minute of the

day how do you do that do what sir

forget it do me a favor to try to find

the clam Casino m*rder

file how does he do

that whoa Angel's prints were found on

the brick that k*ll clams on the table

that k*ll clams on the lead pot that

k*ll clams and on the g*n that k*ll

clams you want my professional police

opinion she k*lled clams am I the only

one around here who thinks Angel isn't

guilty yeah you are oh we suggesting is

you come up for a look chowderhead Angel

and I are just friends Pals buddies

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amigos no tide she how should I say this

something is about to own into your

office what can I do for you calamari oh

no no no Chief appon is what I can do

for you I had an inkling you'd show up

sended such a pleasant invitation I

couldn't be rude now that we're all

clear on the Ed why don't you tell us

what you know about your dead exp

partner I prefer to wait for my

lawyer nice thread sharer is that your

law suit let's get down to

business is my client going to be

officially charged why are his batteries

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low you don't like me very much do you

actually I don't like you at all

calamari it's obvious you didn't come

here to

confess look closely at Angel's earings

from now on they will be referred to as

exhibit a I believe you found one of

them at the m*rder scene how do you know

what we found by playing detective

detective inspector

congratulations I'll send fruit I gave

those earrings to Angel after one

particular Charming night thanks for

sharing that with us we're merely trying

to help all the facts float to the

surface you know where to find me yeah

under a rock can you believe that clump

of flops I believe this earring can't

you smell it somebody's trying to stick

it to Angels so what else is new Chief

you got to give me 24 hours to prove

Angels not guilty I don't got to do

nothing we've got a file full of

blueprints and now there's eie but I

have new

evidence brains of

s Prince on uh grains of sand a

52-year-old female tall brunette

slightly overweight green dress with

pused buttons now it's a

55-year-old slightly overweight police

chief who has a tendency to be cranky as

far as I'm concerned we've hooked our

fish now reeler in but now

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when gles wondering in the night

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night something your eyes was

soting something in your

smile so exciting Something in My

Heart me I must have you

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take it

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boys this m investigation of yours is

stowing up quite a tigle wave really

what is the Scoop from the bottom of the

food chain what is Angel pink them I

thought I SL the cup in here I can't

watch this funny no one's ever said that

to me before are you here to arrest me

well it's hard to argue with an earring

that fits like a glove so I misplaced a

trinket it's not what you misplaced it's

where you misplaced it let's not talk

here there's a booth in the back in the

corner in the

dark yo I may have a voice husky enough

to pull a dog sled but I didn't k*ll

clams I swear it is this a Snow Job

angel I thought we were friends we are

but I can't help you if you tie my fins

you used to like that she's

kidding sometimes a carp's got to do

what a carp's got to do but a carp don't

got to like

it Angel is Crime Boss calamari involved

with you in

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this I'm not bad I just smell that way

Sandy unless I can find the fish that

made those prints I'm afraid that

Angel's looking at 30 years of license

plates dish pan fins and cellmates named

big Marge and little

Spike I tossed I turned tormented it was

terrible talk about t*rture Angel spoke

18 languages and couldn't say no in any

of

them I needed to find some answers so I

contacted my usual snitches hey what do

you hear about angel in Clan's

casino and some of my unusual snitches

so this is a cop that's caring no the

herring's not good no I didn't say

Herring car matter

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the Widow Casino of course gold gold

gold I'm a booking PS when I hear

something from the seahorse's mouth I

like to pass it on to my best customer

Lou the last time I trusted the sure

saying I ended up with a condo in at

lantis that I still can't

find Tad

we have a file on the Widow Casino tall

dress butt right wrong but she is female

I knew

it room 407 please yeah I'll hold oh by

the way Pearl call Pearl you remember

Pearl the one you haven't married yet oh

look who's talking why don't you take

the plunge again honey after the fist Mr

Right I just can't say no really it was

great with a straight face anymore yeah

I'm still here

thanks hello our deal's

off you can't do this calamari oh but

I'm afraid I can well you you won't get

away with it I'll I'll you'll come get

me goodbye Mrs Casino do keep in

touch yes I knew it I knew it Angel did

didn't do it well at least not in the

last 20

minutes go check the doors and bring me

another espresso

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if it isn't the Widow Casino oh I should

have known you couldn't be trusted don't

you think it's a little late for that

late t*rd maybe my husband is late yes

my exart is pushing up seaweed thank you

thank you I k*ll my husband and that's

it thank you I apologize I thought a

ticket tape parade seemed like Overkill

you set me up oh really I merely

mentioned in passing that your husband

and Angel were seeing entirely too much

of each other you're the one who pulled

the trigger my dear my tentacles are

clean oh no no no you're not getting off

that easy I want my my husband's half of

the Shell Shack oh what's this ocean

coming to when there's no honor among Lo

[Laughter]

lives honor then you must be the one who

promised to love honor and O bludgeon

your husband for 20 years I went to that

jail I made an AR scarf I made Danish

all Angel ever made was him my dear

Widow Casino in about two seconds a

large brown creature with shoulders in

two different time zones will be coming

around the corner with my espresso

T calamari don't you know caffeine is

bad for your

health damn I hate risking my life for

an uninvolved species

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didn't you just fall out the window yeah

luckily your car broke my

fo H thanks kid no thanks necessary uh

sir I find myself in the unappetizing

position of having to thank you save it

I know you were in on all this but one

day you're going to slip up and I'll be

there bsh B the

water thank you for believing I was

innocent hey I never believed you were

innocent angel I just knew you weren't

guilty I merely baited a hook I'm just

glad the Widow Casino took it and I'm

glad I got my job back I've been

wondering about that I know it's hard to

understand Gil but calamari is my friend

maybe you'd better look for some new

friends

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thanks well this is where I get off

Angel I've been trying to convince these

folks all night long we're just friends

Pals buddies Amigos I mean we're here my

apartment I knew that well good night

friend good night

angel but y if you're ever up for buying

a ticket

my box office is always

open sorry sometimes I just can't help

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myself I felt good about putting the

Widow Casino in jail I felt better about

getting Angel out of jail I felt bad

about not grabbing calamari I felt worse

about not grabbing angel I had a lot of

feelings about a lot of things I don't

know what it is about females in m*rder

they just seem to get in the bed

together at least that's been my

experience

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