14x10 - A Sounder Investment

[bunniefuu]

[♪ acoustic guitar playing]

[beer hisses]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪

[♪ theme concludes]

[birds chirping]

You are late.

Now, we can call this meeting
of the Hill Family Inc. to order.

Can we at least skip the reading
of the minutes?

No, I...

[scoffs] Okay, fine.

Our income portfolio
has paid out dividends,

so we need to decide
what to do with the new money.

How much are we talkin' about?

- Just a measly 5%.
- Measly?

That's money making money,
invented by President Reagan.

Yes, but still less
than the average index fund.

Then, there is inflation,
which if you ask me,

is the real silent k*ller.

Heart disease just has better marketing.

That's what was so great
about the Aramco retirement plan.

You pick your risk tolerance.

Leave moderate growth for millennials
and other folks who wear tattoos to work.

I'm just trying to have more say
in our investments.

Every second we do not invest
is money lost.

Remember, time is money.

But also remember,
slow and steady wins the race.

No need to turn this into a cliché comp--
[gasps]

Early bird gets the worm!

♪

- Yep.
- Yep.

[Hank Hill]
[sighs] Yep.

Whoa, Hank.

Whatever's eating at you,
don't take it out on us.

Well, I'm sorry
for the short fuse, fellas.

Me and Peggy were just havin'
some money discussions.

[all murmuring]

Hello, gentlemen.
Would you like to try

John Redcorn's Red Corn?

- [all] Mm!
- [Boomhauer] Oh, man.

That's some dang ol' good stuff, man.

You got yourself some
mighty good corn here, John Redcorn.

Nancy would love this.
Have you given it to her yet?

I've been giving it to Nancy
for quite some time.

[kernel plops]

How much have you sold so far?

None.

Invasive pigs have ravaged
most of my land.

You know what kind of hogs
can't eat crops?

The dead kind.

Well, I read that the best way
to take care of a feral hog problem

is actually trapping them.

'Course you'd say that, Hank,
'cause you can't sh**t.

This isn't about
whether or not I can sh**t.

- You can't! Wingo!
- You right, man.

This is about how
to best help John Redcorn.

Maybe you can help me
mend the fences and set traps too.

Well, that sounds good.

There's no shame in gathering
while the other men hunt.

- [Hank] Hm.
- Nice burn, JR.

♪

[♪ upbeat guitar music playing]

According to hundreds of reviews,
this trap is perfect

- for catching up to 50 hogs a day.
- [g*n firing]

[Boomhauer]
Dang man, mow 'em down, mow 'em down!

- [g*nsh*t, pig squealing]
- [Dale Gribble] Nailed it!

- [Bill Dauterive] That's 51!
- [Hank sighs]

Uh, there's a money-back
guarantee on this.

♪

[indistinct chatter]

It's just a first date with Connie.

Be cool!

Wow, this is nice.

I thought I couldn't
"Handel" classical music,

but it was on my "Chopin Liszt."

[laughs]
I take that "Bach."

[Connie yawns]

[laughing]
Sorry. Frasier's been on Netflix.

No, no, no, it-- it was funny.

I'm just tired
from pulling all-nighters this week.

Oh, I get it.
Last night I stayed up

until 2:00 a.m. peeling garlic.

[sniffing]
I don't smell, do I?

- I showered twice.
- [chimes ding]

This concerto is supposed to be great,

according to the Beethoven subreddit.

The composer.
Not the movie about the dog.

That movie subreddit
gets surprisingly nasty.

"Concerto in D."

I learned this right before
I stopped playing in middle school.

You don't play violin anymore?

- I don't.
- Oh.

Did not know that.

This is one of the longest
violin concertos ever written.

Did not know that either.

- [♪ classical music playing]
- [Bobby snoring]

- [attendee] Quiet!
- [continues snoring]

- [gasps]
- Shh!

[meat sizzling]

Nothing like fresh harvested pork.

Bill, I didn't think
you were gonna get that last one.

That had to be a 200-yard shot.

My trick is I don't sh**t
where the pig is,

I sh**t where the pig is going to be.

That's called hunting, Bill.

Hank, why don't you grill up the pigs
you caught in your trap?

Oh, that's right, there are none.
[laughing]

It was good doing something together.

I haven't had this much fun since...

No reason we can't do it every weekend.

There are plenty of farms
with plenty more pigs to sh**t.

Yeah, man, like 'em dang ol' Ikigai,
the intersecting circles, man.

Do what you love, never gonna work
a dang ol' day in your life, man.

You really think we can make it
a business, Boomhauer?

Well, it's a better idea
than your Uber for dogs.

If a dog can guide a man
across the street,

why can't he drive a car?!

Wait, your idea was for the dog to--

[sighs] Never mind.

If you're serious about this,
my advice is for you to take your time

and build it slow and steady.

Like I was tellin' Peggy
when we were trying to figure out

where to invest our extra money.

- [Dale sipping loudly]
- Uh...

- Hank has money!
- Yeah, Hank,

you could invest in Boomhauer's idea.

Yeah, man, you got that
dang ol' nest egg, man.

Sure, sure, we'll talk about it
at the next meeting of Hill Family Inc.

Hey, who wants some ribs?

Mm, tasty.

♪

Talkin' 'bout two years, man,
to get ol' red, red to black, man.

Gonna be cash positive already, man,

return on the dang ol' investment, man.
Angel.

What the hell is going on?

Hank, Boomhauer is making a pitch

for his hog-k*lling business.
Quiet.

I told him I was gonna
talk to you about it.

Well, he beat you to it.

So now, I am considering investing
my half of our money, Hank.

My half and your half?

That's not how we do our investments.

Investing isn't like raising a child.

You can't just make it up as you go along.

Well, Hank, he has a reasonable
cost structure for equipment,

a sound profit projection based on
the population growth of pigs in Texas,

and low employee costs:

Dale and Bill.

This is our retirement money
we're talkin' about.

How 'bout we let someone
at our bank decide?

They have a bit more
know-how than both of us.

Fine.

♪

So, Mr. Coleman, we came to you
because we knew you'd be able to tell us

if this was a bad idea
or a horrible, horrible idea.

I'm glad you came to me.
I've gone over the papers.

- Yeah?
- [Kevin Coleman] I think this

is a great business idea
and a sound investment.

- Exactl-- Wait, what?
- Hoyeah!

Hoyeah, man, that ol' hoyeah, man.

Well, if it's such a great idea,
why don't you invest in it?

- Well, you make a good point.
- See, that's what I thought.

- I'll go in with you as a partner.
- [Peggy and Hank] You will?

I'll help you make
the business connections you need.

This seems to be moving way too fast.

Yeah, man, you talkin' 'bout
puttin' that money

where your dang ol' mouth is, man.
You got a dang ol' deal, man.

There's room for one more hand, Hank.

We would be a great team.

You know, every team needs a guy
to watch the team from the stands

without putting his money in.

Go, team.

♪

♪

[speaker] [over video call]
I love it, yes!

[Peggy Hill]
Then, it's unanimous.

The name of the company
will be "Boar No More."

[group chattering]

Uh, Peggy, who is this person?
And why is everyone in our kitchen?

I'm Cindy Carrington,
Community Development.

I'm excited to share I've already lined up
two farms as your first clients.

Oh, no, I'm not-- Wow.

Well, even though you have
a very strong handshake, I, uh--

this isn't-- I-I'm not investing
in the company.

Bill?
You invested in this nonsense too?

Oh, I'm not an investor.

I'm in charge of field operations.

You know, shootin' stuff,

then hidin' any stuff
we weren't supposed to sh**t.

I'm a salaried employee.

Hard to make a salary
when there's no money comin' in.

It's called deferred compensation, Hank.

- Okay, what that means is--
- I know what it means, Peggy.

- It means he's a glorified intern.
- That is just not true.

- Bill, the creamer's low.
- I'm on it!

Alright, so the purpose
of this meeting is to discuss--

[Connor Feliz] [on laptop]
Bup-bup! This is an executive session.

- Company officers only.
- And who are you?

Sorry.
Connor Feliz, Accounting.

Look, Connor from Accounting,

I don't know how to kick
someone's a*s over Zoom,

but I'll figure it out if you try
to put me out of my own kitchen.

Hank, if you wanna stay, honey,
there is still an opportunity

for you to invest in the company.

In exchange for my 30 years
of exterminating experience,

I get stock options.

That's guaranteed money!

That's not how stock options work.

How do they work, Hank?

I have no idea, but it can't be that.

[sighs]
I'll take my coffee outside.

- [Connor] Bup-bup-bup! I move that we--
- Oops.

♪

[Joseph Gribble]
You slept together on the first date?

You're a legend!

No, bro, you're not listenin'.

We both fell asleep
and got kicked out of the symphony.

- For having sex?
- Joseph, come on, man.

Did you take your Adderall?

It was an awful first date, and I blew it.

- Okay, okay, I'm focused.
- [phone buzzing]

Connie?

Hellooo?

[Connie Souphanousinphone]
Hey, Bobby. First off, I wanna say,

I know last night
wasn't the best first date.

Yeah, I kinda felt that too.

[Connie] We just need to figure out
a good "us" date, you know?

I think I have a surprise
you're gonna love.

Ask her if it's "that thang."

[Connie]
Joseph, I can hear you.

- Then answer me!
- [phone beeps]

[♪ tense guitar music playing]

Check this out, Hank.
We already have equipment sponsors.

Equipment sponsors?

People are just givin' you free stuff?

Wow, Hank, you're red-hot with jealousy.

You got dang little F-O-M-O, man.
I'm talkin' 'bout that FOMO, man.

I do not have F-O-M-O.

I just don't understand.
Y'all haven't k*lled pig one yet.

Well, that is how business works, Hank.

We do not have to k*ll pigs to make money.

We just have to let people know
how many pigs we plan on k*lling,

and then they are going
to give us money today

for the pigs we k*ll tomorrow.

It is all in the prospectus.

♪

[Hank]
I'm not taking this for myself.

I'm gonna run it past the most successful
businessperson I know.

♪

You came to the right person, Ol' Top.

Are you sure this is a good time, sir?

I'm retired, Hank.
I got nothing but time now.

- [treadmill beeping]
- Walk with me, Hank.

So, what am I missing, Buck?
How is this a good investment?

Yeah, well, I know the game
they're playin',

and trust me, the odds
are stacked against ya

more than at a Puerto Rican craps table.

Uh-uh, I wouldn't roll those dice,
even if I loaded 'em myself.

This was the kind of advice
I was lookin' for, sir.

Especially after they told me
it was the last chance

to get in on the ground floor.

- [watch beeping rapidly]
- Hmm.

How much is the buy-in?

Uh-- Uh... for you?

It's the same amount
as you used to pay me in a year.

Well, that's nothin'.

Nothin' you wanna risk losing.
[chuckles]

You just-- you just go on home
and you tell your wife

you're passin' on their offer.

What are you gonna do, Hank?!

Uh, pass on their offer, sir.


in one year is too good to be true.

- [watch beeping rapidly]
- Sir, are you okay?

You gotta go slower, Mr. Strickland.

Yeah, uh... [clears throat]

It just, you know,
it makes my blood boil

to think a simple, honest man like you
almost got fleeced.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time for my sponge bath.

[Hank shudders]

♪

Oh, good, you're all here.

Well, I appreciate the offer,
but after talkin' with someone

who knows more about business
than all of us combined,

I'm gonna pass again.

The shares are not
available anymore, Hank.

- Really?
- [Buck Strickland] Is that Hank?

Mr. Strickland?

You got the last shares?

But you told me
it was too good to be true.

Hank, it's your own fault you seduced me

with your stories
of dice, and odds, and craps.

Those were your words, sir.

Hank, this is a closed-door
meetin' of investors.

You gotta go.
Sergeant at arms!

Sorry, Hank.
Nothin' personal.

♪

What the...?

- [Hank groans]
- Peggy's husband is here.

[security] [over walkie]
Yeah, let him in.

- [walkie chirps]
- Follow me.

[birds chirping]

[♪ distant party music playing]

[engine shuts off]

[people chattering]

[crowd] Cheers!

- [Boomhauer] Cheers, man!
- [Peggy] Here's to us!

To us, livin' high on the hog!

- [Dale] Good one, Buck!
- [laughter and chatter]

Here's your celery stalk juice,
Mr. Strickland.

- [Buck gulping]
- [crowd] Oh! [laughing]

- [bottle clinking]
- I'm happy to announce

that Boar No More has been acquired

by the biggest publicly-traded
hog eradication company

in the Southwest,

- Pig Force Incorporated!
- [crowd exclaiming]

How did you sell a two-week-old company
in two days?

Oh, the company sold itself.

I didn't even have to lift my skirt.

Pig Force is buying up
smaller companies all over the state.

Hank, isn't it great?

I have tripled our money,
plus we all got shares in Pig Force Inc.

Honey, can you believe it?

They have gone up 20% since we sold!

Ah, man, talkin' 'bout
dang ol' hot stock, man.

That good ol' dang man, that choo choo
on that dang ol' gravy train, man.

Cha-cha-ching!
That's what I say now.

- Get used to it.
- Hank, isn't it great?

We're all going to be rich!
Oh, except you.

Sorry, I'm just used to you
being involved in what we do.

- [people gasping and cheering]
- No, that's fine. I'm at peace with my--

It just went up another 2%!

Cha-cha-ching!
Warned you.

As I was saying,
I'm at peace with my decision.

I don't feel like I'm missing out.

- [car horn honking]
- [Buck] Whoo, they're here!

Gifts for our company founders.

- Wingo!
- Oh, goody!

- Gotdangit.
- Ooh, man!

Talkin' 'bout dang ol' shiiit.

And here to present them,
Pig Force celebrity spokesperson,

- Nolan Ryan!
- The Ryan Express?!

These keys are for Peggy, Bill, Dale,
and-- how do you say this?

Oh, talkin' 'bout dang ol'
Boomhauer, man.

Dang ol' Boomhauer.

How did they get you to come here?

I invested in Pig Force stock.
You'd be a damn fool not to.

- [people cheering]
- It's gone up 10 more percent!

- Cha-cha-ching!
- Hey, that's my thing.

And it's still goin'!
[laughing] Yes!

[all]
Go! Go! Go!

Oh, wow.

Is it possible that I am even better
at investing than I thought?

I have to go to the bathroom.

And, honey, while you're in there,
I will get Nolan Ryan

to sign a football for you.

[indistinct chatter]

[♪ curious music playing]

[sighs]

♪

Good ol' slow and steady.

[crowd] [continues chanting]
Go! Go! Go! Go!

[faint chanting continues]

[♪ curious music continues]

[phone chimes]

[kids shouting]

[Connie]
This is a fun surprise, right?

Sure!

Remember when we played
in the bouncy house

at Mr. Dauterive's as kids?

[laughs] So fun!

I remember the creepy guy
who sold us beer,

and I remember throwin' up.

Oh, yeah.

[kid laughing]

Why aren't you jumpin' higher?

I'm trying, kid.
[chuckling] I'm just outta shape.

Are you a giant kid or a weird adult?

Neither. Go away.

I didn't think
there'd be so many kids here.

As long as I'm with you, I'm having fun.

Let's see how high we can bounce.
Come on, take my hand!

[♪ "Every Woman in the World"
by Air Supply playing]

♪ You're every woman in the world to me ♪

♪ You're my fantasy-- ♪

- [kid grunting]
- [Connie and Bobby] Whoa!

- [Connie] Ow!
- Are you okay?

[gags]

- [Connie groaning]
- Oh my goodness, Connie!

[indistinct chatter]

[sighs]
Are we still chanting?

No, Hank, we are not.

- [concerned chatter]
- [Bill sobbing]

Shiiit.

[Bill whimpers]

Wall Street's sayin' traditional
pig eradication companies are out.

So, all our investors are bailing
like ticks on a drownin' dog.

- What does that mean?
- Ticks can't breathe underwater, Hank.

It means the company's stock is worthless!

Bwaah!

Oh, well, win some, lose some.

Thanks for the fun, guys.

I guess you made the right play
this time, Ol' Top.

♪

She's being sedated to help with the pain.
Can I ask you a few ques--

Her legal name
is Kahn Souphanousinphone, Jr.

She's allergic to celery,
sulfites, and cats.

Her blood type is B positive.
Her first menstruation was--

Uh, are you next of kin?

Actually, we just started dating.

Wanna guess how it's going?

I see.

Why don't you go down
to the cafeteria before it closes?

That's a good idea.

Oh, before you go, for her weight,
you put "None of my business."

I know a trap when I see one.

♪

Peggy, there's somethin'
I need to tell you.

I know I often invoke
"The Tortoise and the Hare,"

but the truth is,
when that story was written,

the tortoise didn't have the power
to throw his nest egg away

with a click of a "Buy Shares" button

because he'd watched
his slow friends make fast money.

Are you saying you bought stock
in Pig Force?

- Yes.
- Right before it crashed?

It was almost like I caused it.

- Oh, Hank.
- I know.

And I'm sorry that because of me,
we've lost our money.

To make it up, I can hold off
on buying the new jeans I wanted.

Hank, we did not lose it all.

I sold my shares before the stock crashed.

You did? Why?

Well, when we sold
the company to Pig Force,

I heard your voice in my head
saying it was all happening too fast.

I also heard you say...
[imitating Hank] "Uh, Peggy?

You still have to pay insurance
on those trucks."

[normal] But the point is, Hank,

I made the right decision because of you.

I guess we do make a good team.

But that's not what my voice sounds like.

Where are you going?

Well, I recollect there being two clients

that never got their pig problem solved.

Call me old-fashioned,
but I think a company

should do what it says it's gonna do.

If you need me,
I'll be out trappin' hogs.

And I greatly respect that.

But to be clear,
you are not owed any compensation

from me or any company
I am affiliated with.

[people chattering]

Aw! Is all this

- for your little brother or sister?
- What?

[laughing] Oh! No.

These are for my girlfriend.

She's not a kid.

I see.
Cash or card?

I was hopin' this would
make her feel better,

but maybe I know 12-year-old Connie

better than 21-year-old Connie.
[sighs]

There's a connection problem.

I think you're right.
What if all our connections now

are just memories of the connection
we had when we were younger?

No, the credit card.
Connection problem.

Take it out, rub the back
on your shirt, and try it again.

- Oh.
- [register beeps]

There it goes. All set.

I guess so.

[♪ gentle music playing]

Connie, I think I know
why our dates have been terrible.

We've been trying to have somethin'
we had when we were kids

and, uh, maybe we don't
have it now, and--

- [crying] No!
- What's wrong?

Wait, are you breaking up with me

while I'm in the hospital dying?!

No!
No, no, that's not what I meant.

I was saying
the adult versions of ourselves

might not have the same connection.

What if you only like the husky


that played wooden spoons on his belly?

[laughing]
I loved that Bobby.

But I really like this... you Bobby now.

I don't even know what I wanna do.

But you, you're the bravest person I know,

because you knew
exactly what you wanted to do,

and you are doing it.

So, do you like
the me Bobby now as a--

- [Connie kissing, moaning]
- [Bobby moaning]

[Bobby gasps]

That was amazing.

Get that cute butt in my bed!

I wanna do weird stuff with you.

- Weird stuff to you.
- [Bobby chuckles]

Ah, I feel so good.

Nurse!
Another round of this.

How about we just talk?

Is that pudding?

[laughing] You know it.

What was that stuff
you stayed up all night

studying for before the symphony?

There's cool stuff
called quantum dot emitters.

The sh*t they're doing in Korea with it?
[mimics expl*si*n]

That's exactly how I feel about the stuff
I'm trying with kimchi and samgyeopsal.

Bob!
Let's go to South Korea!

[laughing]
That sounds like a date.

- [chuckles] Oh.
- Oh, ow.

- Mm.
- Ooh, sorry.

♪

[hog snorting]

[squealing]

[hogs snorting]

It's working.

[hogs snorting]

It's working too well.

[engines revving]

[Dale] Woo-hoo!

- [Bill] We got your six, Hank!
- [Dale laughing]

[Boomhauer]
Yeah, man, we got your six, man.

- [Bill] You guys got it!
- [Boomhauer] Yeah, man!

- [engines revving]
- [hogs squealing]

[♪ exciting music playing]

[engines shut off]

[♪ gentle music playing]

We couldn't let you have all the fun.

Besides, you're a terrible shot.

Well, now that you guys are out here,
we've got one more job to do.

Hop in, you sexy tortoise!

[John Redcorn]
And now that my land is wild hog free,

John Redcorn's Texas-Grown Red Corn

will have a projected operating
profit margin of 38%.

So, Hills, what do you say?

What does the Hill Family Inc. CFO say?

After all, she's the reason
we still have dividends left to invest.

She says it is time Hill Family Inc.
got into bed with John Redcorn.

Uh, John Redcorn's Red Corn.
The corn.

She means the business, not you.

I just want to be very clear.

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪
- ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps]
- [crowd cheering]

♪

- [Peggy] Bill, the creamer's low.
- [Bill] I'm on it!

[♪ fanfare playing]