14x04 - Chore Money, Chore Problems

[bunniefuu]

[♪ guitar strumming]

[beer hisses]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪

[♪ theme concludes]

[birds chirping]

[wind whooshing]

Huh.

♪

[door thuds]

Hm...

[faucet squeaks, water draining]

- [stopwatch beeps]
- Well, that won't do at all.

- [TV chatter]
- Good news, Peggy.

- [mutes TV]
- I shaved point-four seconds

off the sink's drain time.

Quick, go brush your teeth!

Why don't you sit down and relax?

It's 10:30 on a Tuesday.

We don't live in an opium den.

Honey, the whole point of retirement

is you do not have to fill in
every free moment with work.

Come on, watch some TV with me.

- What are you watching?
- It is a British reality show

called The Make Up Bake Up.

A couple tries to work through
their relationship issues

- while making a pastry, cake, or tart.
- [unmutes TV]

- [♪ soft music playing on TV]
- Oh, and they are naked.

[Gen-Z Guy] [on TV] I feel like we've
gotten proper close after three days.

But, to be honest, when we were snoggin',

I was thinkin' about
doin' it with your sister.

[Gen-Z Girl] [on TV]
I wasn't paying attention

because me UTI was makin' me vulva sore.

[shudders]

Why would they share that? And on TV?

- Yes, Hank, it's just awful.
- [turns volume up]

[Gen-Z Girl] Work that puff pastry!

- [doorbell chiming]
- Harder. Harder!

- I'll get it!
- Whisk it harder, you fit boy!

Perfect timing, Boomhauer.
I got your message.

I have five different nail g*ns,
so if you wanna borrow one,

you'll have to be more specific.

What are you working on?

Man, it's this dang ol' app, man.
Talkin' about gon' disrupt the industry,

and they gon' disrupt my Tuesday, man.

[Hank Hill]
ChoreChimp? So, you're like a handyman,

- but only when you wanna be?
- [Boomhauer] Yep.

It's Heaven on Earth.

- You need a hand?
- Nah, man, I'ma-- I'm good.

Sure thing, Boomhauer!
I'll help you out if you really need it!

♪

- [typing]
- Everything okay?

- I'm trying to craft the perfect text.
- [sizzling]

Business text or sexy text?

I ran into an old friend the other day.

We kinda used to... [laughs]
go together when we were kids.

Are emojis played out?

Are periods angry?

Help me here, Emilio.

How are you so bad at this?

All my texts are with married


I'm not used to texting single ladies!

Bobby, this text is so long!

There are paragraphs
with spaces between them.

To allow the eye to rest.

Keep it simple.

On The Summer I Turned Pretty,
they use three words max.

Try, "Mama, what's good?"

[door bell chiming]

[♪ hopeful music plays]

Never mind! That's Connie!

[Emilio] I believe in you, Bobby.

- Well, well, well.
- Hey, Bobby.

Wow, so this is the restaurant, huh?

- It's really cool.
- Yes, ma'am.

It's my little slice of Heaven.

Did you come by to have
the best dining experience of your life,

or are you just here for the view?

Actually, Chane invited me.

- Chane?
- Yeah, Chane, you know?

What's up, babe?
This guy bothering you?

You say the word, and he's fired.

[Chane laughing]

Just kidding.
I actually couldn't fire him.

But, my dad could.

So wait, you guys are--

Dating.

♪

♪

[homeowner chattering]

[stamping]

That oughta do it.

Plus, I just got laid off,

so now I'm not sure
if I can even afford this house.

Oh, man, that's rough, man.

But, you know that
dang ol' hustle culture, man,

if you don't rise and grind,
that arrow of time, man.

Time, th-that's the dang ol'
most precious resource,

you know what I'm sayin'?

That's really great advice.

Thank you, really.

Hey, Boomhauer, you wanna come over
and step on this at the same time as me?

See if it can handle a double load?

[stamping]

Wow! Looks great!

I'm gonna give you five bananas for sure.

Uh, well, thank you,

but, uh, I hate bananas.

It's monkey food.

Five bananas is the highest rating
on ChoreChimp.

That's the reason I hired Boomhauer.

He has a perfect five-banana rating.

And now I see why.

He does the job,
and he's great to talk to.

[mutters] Eh, I did the job.

[normal] Boy, that was fun.

I felt like we should be payin' her.

But, I guess it's time for me to go home

and get back to my retirement.

[birds chirping]

- Mm-hmm.
- That's a good point, Boomhauer!

We make a great team.
Let's keep this goin'!

Oh, man.

So, is this a special occasion?

Perhaps an anniversary?

One month? Two?

- It's just lunch.
- Very cool, very cool.

And after you're done eating,

should I put each of your leftovers
in separate boxes or--

Can we actually just start
with two matchas?

No problemo.

Nature's Red Bull!

Are you both perhaps tired
from a late night

that you potentially shared together?

[♪ soft music playing in restaurant]

[mud sloshing]

[bucket clanging]

Boy, just look at those gutters gleam.

Hey, Boomhauer,
how are those hedges lookin'?

Hey, man, I tell you what man, love,

it's a-- [gibberish]
like it a dang ol' b*ttlefield, man.

- [Boomhauer continues]
- Oh, I see you're workin' hard.

...win no dang ol' w*r, man.

You're right!
I just need to get back out there!

- You're amazing.
- [ladder rattling]

What the-- Look out, Boomhauer!

- [♪ dramatic music playing]
- Boomhauer!

- Are you okay?
- [Boomhauer] Ah, dang ol'...

Got dang ol'... [sighs] Ow.

Stay down, Boomhauer.

I know a concussion when I see one.

From football, obviously,

but also from Bobby's contact improv days.

♪

Sorry, Boomhauer,
we're outta frozen peas.

But, this bag of frozen diced potatoes
should do just fine.

Can I have the potatoes when
Boomhauer's done with them?

- No.
- I had to ask.

Fortune favors the bold.

[weakly] Oh, man. Dang ol'...

- sleepy, man.
- [Dale Gribble] Mm-hmm.

Is Boomhauer gonna be... slow forever?

Well, he got his bell rung pretty bad,

but the doctor thinks
he'll be fine in a few days.

Ancient peoples used to
give themselves concussions

because they believed
the altered headspace

brought them closer to God.

I don't think any of that's true, Dale.

Now, the doctor said
we just need to keep an eye on him

for 24 hours to make sure he's okay.

Absolutely. And, Boomhauer,
if you need anything,

anything at all,
Hank and I will be right across the alley.

- [phone buzzing, pinging]
- [chimp screeching]

[phone clicks]

Now, I know you're worried
about your perfect rating,

but I could fill in for you.

Just until you get back on your feet.

Oh. I don't know, man--

Yeah, I think it's a great idea, too.

- "Boomhauer is on his way."
- [typing]

♪

How's it going?

Good.
I think the miso trout dip's a winner.

I mean how's it going...

- in here?
- It's fine. I'm fine.

- [Connie Souphanousinphone] Hi, Bobby.
- Connie!

So, this is kind of like your office, huh?

I guess you could say that.

Bobby's a wonderful boss!
And handsome, too.

I know our menu says the
"Catch of the Day"

is Chilean sea bass,

but, in my opinion,
the real catch is this guy.

Back to work, Emilio.

That's Emilio. How is your date going?

Okay!

[sighing] I don't know.

Chane keeps talking about his frat pranks.

Most of them just sound like crimes.

Maybe we don't really
have anything in common.

Well, Chane can be
self-centered and obnoxious,

and downright means sometimes.

But, I think he does all that
because, deep down, he's insecure.

His dad puts a lot of pressure
on him to be successful,

and, sometimes, he overcompensates
to feel better about himself.

But, at the end of the day,
Chane's a good guy.

[soft laugh]

I know what all that dad stuff is like.

Thanks, Bobby.

- [door creaks]
- [sighs]

You're a good man, Bobby Hill.

Dumb, but good.

♪

[ladder rattling]

Oh, boy. I may refinish
those shutters for free.

- [puts down toolbox]
- [rings doorbell]

Good afternoon, ma'am.

I'm from ChoreChimp,
here to hang your curtain rod.

[baby cooing]

- [phone clicks]
- You're Boomhauer?

No, I'm Hank Hill.

I'm filling in because
Boomhauer is incapacitated.

Are you as good as Boomhauer?

[laughs] Uh, uh, yes.

Yes, ma'am, I definitely am.

- Well, come on in then.
- [grabs toolbox]

- [door shuts]
- Eric, this is Hank.

He's gonna hang the curtains.

You're a lifesaver.

Between work and the baby,

there's just been no time
to get stuff done around the house.

- [Hank] Not a problem.
- I don't sleep anymore.

- I-I'm a shell of a person.
- [cooing continues]

Plus, Lena and I haven't had sex in,
I don't know how long.

[Lena] Sixty-two days.

I broke my vibrator.

[muttering] I am not fixing that.

- [baby crying]
- Oh, come on.

I mean, it's just this all day!

Do you have kids?

Yes.

When we had Charlie,
Eric and I started posting

parenting videos on our YouTube channel.

We thought it would be fun to document

the "miracle" of raising a child,

but things are so hard right now

that we might just give it up.

I know this is awful to say,

but sometimes part of me
regrets having kids.

Is that normal?

[baby Charlie cooing]

So, the interesting thing
about these curtain rods

is that they consist
of two concentric rods

that fit inside one another.

That's what makes the rod adjustable.

It's the same technology
they use in telescopes.

♪

- [phone buzzing, beeps]
- [chimp screeching]

[phone clicks]

Two bananas?!

♪

I just don't get it, Peggy.

Those curtain rods were taut and true.

I could have done
a chin-up on those things.

Then, I bet I could have done two.

I did the job exactly as asked,

even though their baby
was crying the whole time,

and they kept asking me invasive
personal questions about our kid.

Like how old he is and whatnot.

Oh, Hank, they were just
looking for someone to talk to.

They just wanted a kind ear
and, and some advice.

I'm not a therapist, Peggy.

If there is one thing I have learned
from The Make Up Bake Up,

it is that for young people,
anyone can be a therapist.

Every episode is,

"My sister is my therapist,"

"My dog is my therapist,"

"Frying is my therapy,

and the recipe is my therapist."

Well, my job wasn't to give 'em advice.

I was to hang a curtain rod.

I deserve all five bananas.

I mean, Boomhauer does.

Did it ever occur to you that the reason
Boomhauer's rating is so high

is that people enjoy talking with him?

Well, I'm sorry I'm not Mr. Personality,

like Boomhauer!

♪

Anything good on tonight?

Oh! "The Adulterers" is on!

[♪ curious music playing]

[Bobby Hill] [in soft voice]
"Dearest Roderick,

"thank you for cookin' me
this delicious chicken piccata.

Did you get the recipe from your wife?"

[Joseph Gribble]
"Uh, that's not a chicken piccata.

It's pizza, and it sucks."

[Bobby]
Joseph, come on, man.

You gotta "yes, and" in improv.

[Bobby and Joseph groan]

Hey! Were you mad at me earlier?

No! Why?

Because this afternoon, you texted me,

"Joseph, we need to talk." Period.

So, periods are angry!

No, man, I just wanted to tell you

that Connie came into
the restaurant today.

No way! To see you?

She was on a date, uh,

- with Chane.
- Oh, Bobby.

Did you freak out? Did you scream at him?

Did you slap Connie's name
out of his mouth?

I was actually really mature
about the whole thing.

'Cause truth is

I really just want

Connie and I to be friends.

Uh-huh...

[phone chimes]

- It's her!
- Connie? W-what's it say?

"It was really great to
see you today." Period.

"Karaoke tomorrow night?"
Question mark?

Oh-h*! Sounds like
she's got Bobby on the brain.

Maybe you still got a shot.

Nah, I bet Chane's going, too.

Dude, still, say yes!

Okay, okay.

"Hello, Connie."

Period. Nope.

"It would be my honor to--"

[sighs] I'll do it.
Bobby, you text like AI.

The rules are confusing!

♪

[doorbell chiming]

Hello.

Sorry to bother you, but yesterday,

you gave me a two-banana rating
on the ChoreChimp app.

Was there something about my service

that you found unsatisfactory?

Two outta five is... is good.

You know, back when I sold
propane and propane accessories,

we used to have a little saying.

"When it comes to customers,

the most important mile is the extra one."

What I'm sayin' is I'd be happy to do
some more chores for you,

free of charge,
to earn that perfect rating.

I mean, I guess if you wanna do free work.

- [metal scraping]
- The baby won't eat.

Every time I try to breastfeed him,
he pulls away.

[Eric] Well, keep trying!

What do you think I'm doin'?!

You know, when our son was first born,

every night was a new challenge
for Peggy and I.

[♪ soft music playing]

He was real fussy, I'll tell you what.

And, uh, well,

our son Bobby, he, uh, he wouldn't, uh...

[shudders] latch on either.

It was really hard on Peggy.

She thought maybe
she wasn't fit to be a mother.

But, she worked through it,

and she became, for my money,

the best mother in the state of Texas.

You kids are gonna be alright.

You really think so?

- I do.
- [machine whirring]

Thank you, Hank.

Oh, I think Peggy had
a UTI at some point, too.

[♪ dance music playing]

- [crowd chatter]
- [Connie] Hi, Bobby!

[indistinct chatter]

- You look really nice.
- Thank you!

I wore loose clothes,
so they wouldn't restrict my diaphragm.

[Connie giggles]

Can I buy you a drink?

- I already got us shots.
- Oh!

Okay, it's that kinda night!

Should we, uh, wait for Chane?

Uh, Chane's busy tonight.

Alright, next up we've got Connie S!

- [crowd cheering]
- Get up on stage, Connie!

Come on, Bobby!
You have to do this song with me.

But, I don't even know
what song you picked.

Trust me. You know it.

♪

[Connie] [singing]
♪ How do I ♪

♪ Get through one night without you ♪

[singing]
♪ If I had to live without you ♪

♪ What kinda life would that be? ♪

[Connie and Bobby laughing]

[♪ romantic musical swell]

[both]
♪ How do I live without you? ♪

♪ I want to know ♪

♪ How do I breathe without you? ♪

♪ If you ever go ♪

[sobs] I miss my wife.

♪

[wind whooshing]

Oh, wow! You guys sounded

awful!

But, cute too.

Oh, thanks!

Bobby, this is Ola, my roommate.

I invited her to hang out tonight.
I told her all about you,

and I think you guys
would really hit it off.

Oh...

Cool.

- [insects chirping]
- You shoulda seen that grouting, Peggy.

Those kids were over the moon.

I told them that once the grout dries,

they can use a damp cloth
to buff that grout haze off the tiles.

- [phone beeps]
- [chimp screeching]

There ya go.
A perfect five-banana review.

All is right with the world.

Oh, they even left a comment.

"Thank you for everything.
You were so great today,

"we even made a video about you
on our YouTube channel.

Click here to watch."

Peggy, look!
They made a video about my grouting!

Hey, followers.

Uh, I-I know it's been a while
since we posted.

Uh, honestly, we've just
been really struggling, and, um,

we weren't sure if we wanted
to keep up this parenting blog.

But today, we talked to a man named Hank,

who told us all about the struggles
he and his wife Peggy went through

when they were new parents.

Hank shared that Peggy
had trouble breastfeeding...

- Bwah!
- [♪ dramatic sting]

[Lena] ...and for Peggy to go through
all that while having a UTI

was pretty inspiring for us.

Hashtag UTI g*ng, hashtag Peggy!

[♪ dramatic music plays]

♪

Peggy, look, I know you're upset

that I told them all that
personal stuff about you,

but I panicked!
I didn't know what else to do!

That is not why I am upset Hank.

I mean, I am not exactly crazy about my...

"lady part struggles"
breaking the internet,

but, mostly, I am upset
because you are so afraid

to reveal something
personal about yourself

that you had to use my experience instead?

Is there nothing inside
of you that you can share?

Any feelings, emotions, anything?

Peggy, I just... [sighs]

I'm not good at opening up like that.

I am well aware, Hank.

And I am going to bed.

[♪ somber music playing]

One of those for me?

So, it's basically a combination

of German and Japanese cuisine.

I call it "Japan-erman."

[Ola giggles]

I'll grab another round of drinks.

- [♪ country music playing in bar]
- [crowd chattering]

- [sipping, gulping]
- [ice clinking]

Ah, look at these losers.

Probably met on some app.
What do you think?

Oh yeah. [chuckles]
Definitely.

Apps are the worst.
Last year, I went on 100 first dates,

and maybe three second dates.

Totally. Plus, you've gotta ask
all those first date questions,

like, uh,
"What's your favorite kind of sauce?"

[giggling]

Sorry, I don't go on as many dates as you.

Why not? You're cute.

I don't know. I'm just really focused
on my career right now.

I'm usually at the restaurant
all day and all night,

so I don't really have
the time for dating.

Besides,

I don't think I'm gonna
meet my soulmate on an app.

I think she's just out there, somewhere.

- [♪ soft music playing]
- And when I see her, I'll just know.

That's really sweet.

- [♪ music stops]
- Hey, you a husky boy, you tryna eat?

- What?
- Wanna bang?

You're cool. I'm cool.
Connie thought you'd probably be into it,

so do you wanna get outta here?

Oh! That's, uh,

really kind of you to offer,

but I actually need to
get back to the restaurant

and close things up.

All good.

I'm really sorry.

You're very attractive and... smart.

Bobby, relax. You're too nice. I'm fine.

Okay, well-- Okay.

Really great to-- yes, meet you.

- [Connie] Bobby?
- I gotta go! Bye!

♪

Hank, for the love of God,

there is nothing left
in this house to fix.

Hold on, I'm trying to explain something.

The day we brought Bobby home
from the hospital,

I was scared.
I didn't know what I was doing.

One day, you were resting
and Bobby needed his diaper changed,

and I'd never done that before.

I couldn't get the diaper
to fasten, so I...

I used this staple g*n
to fasten the diaper.

Okay...

Dang it, Peggy, I told you
an embarrassing story about myself,

so now we're even!

That is not the same as opening up, Hank!

I know something is going on with you.

Every chance you get,
you are out the door,

working on some silly ChoreChimp job!

Well, what do you want me to say, Peggy?

That ever since I retired,
I feel like I don't have a purpose?

That I wanted to help
Boomhauer out so badly

because I just wanted to
feel useful to somebody?

I'm sure you'd just love me
to tell you how scared I am

that I'll never feel satisfied
unless I'm working.

Well, too bad, Peggy.
I'm not gonna say all that.

I'm not a contestant on
some nude baking show.

I'm from a different generation.

We keep that stuff inside.

Oh, Hank.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

- I feel the same way.
- You do?

I have not known what to do with myself

since I got back from Saudi Arabia.

Yesterday, I watched 12 hours

of that godforsaken reality show.

That is not how I pictured
my golden years.

Well... [sighs] okay. So, what do we do?

I think we talk about it,

and we work through it.

Together, Hank.

- [kiss smacking]
- [♪ gentle music playing]

Oh, and by the way,

I knew about the staple thing.

- You did?
- [laughs] Hank! There were holes

where you pried the staples
out of the crib!

Did you think I was not going to notice?

[grinding, whirring]

Hey, man! There's somebody
waitin' for you on the balcony.

[♪ soft music playing]

- Hi, Bobby.
- Hi!

[clears throat] Um,

how did you know where I live?

Guessed. Nailed it!

I called Joseph.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to ambush you
by trying to set you up with Ola.

I just thought it would've been cool
if you guys hit it off

because that way,
we could all hang out together.

I just... I really want us
to be friends, you know?

That's what I want, too.

Yeah?

Yep.

- Oh, is "The Adulterers" on?
- What's "The Adulterers"?

You're gonna love this!

You see those two people
in that apartment?

They are having a torrid affair!

You can be the man. His name is Roderick.

[soft voice] "Oh, Roderick,
will you make love to me tonight?"

[deep voice] "Of course, my love.

Let me just finish disposing
of your husband's dismembered body."

See, Joseph? That's how ya do it.

[Joseph] Oh!

♪

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪
- ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps]
- [crowd cheering]

♪

[Hank] I'm not a contestant
on some nude baking show.

[♪ fanfare playing]