Davy Crockett and the River Pirates (1956)

[bunniefuu]

[MAJESTIC MUSIC]

[SINGING] The country was big

When it was new

The best men was big

And their yarns was too

And their tallest tales

Folks believed was true

So the more they were told

The more they grew

Davy, Davy Crockett

King of the wild frontier

History remembers the name of his g*n

And some of the deeds

He really done

But most of his chores

For freedom and fun

Got turned into legends

And this here is one

Davy, Davy Crockett

Helpin' his fame spread wide

Had a lotta furs

That he aimed to ship

And he set his mind

On a river trip

When a braggin' boatman
give him some lip

A-claimin' there was no man
he couldn't whip

Davy, Davy Crockett

Tangling with big Mike Fink

[FROGS CROAKING]

[LIGHT COMICAL MUSIC]

Them Kentucky ants got a bite
like a alligator.

Sure ain't particular what they chaw on.

Look at that, would ya?

This is the longest hunt
we ever been on.

Biggest bunch of pelts
we ever got, too, Georgie.

GEORGE: Leastwise, the heaviest.

Them packhorses is plum wore out,
and so am I.

How much longer you figure
we gotta walk anyhow?

I figure we'll reach
the old Ohio pretty soon.

Yeah, sure am lookin' forward
to that boat ride.

Nothing to do all day but sit in the sun
and fish all the way down to Natchez.

That's a mighty good idea
of your'n, Davy.

At least we'll get a better price
for our furs there.

You ain't foolin' me none.

You ain't thinkin' about the price of furs.

You're thinking about
all that new country

we're gonna be lookin' at.

[SPLASH]

Ow!

[SQUIRREL SQUEAKING,
CHATTERING]

[THUNK]

Hey, you, you get away from here.

Just ain't your night, is it, Georgie?

I'm gonna turn in afore
something else happens.

[FROGS CROAKING]

Them fellas sing worse than you.

Ain't nothing living
gonna keep me awake tonight.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hey, Davy.

- Hey, Davy.
- Now what?

There's something in bed with me.

Well, kiss it good night and go to sleep.

[SNIFFING]

[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]

[EXTENDED HORN NOTE]

- There's our boat ride.
- Get a move on, Mahalia.

It ain't much further.

[EXTENDED HORN NOTE]

- [SINGING] Listen to the thunder
- [DOG BARKING]

- Hear the winds roar
- [HORSE NEIGHING]

Hurricane's a-comin'

Board up the door

Load up the cannon

Call out the law

Worstest calamity

That folks ever saw

Girls run and hide

Brave men shiver

He's Mike Fink

King of the river

What's goin' on here anyway?

I don't know,
but something sure got their fur riled up.

Landin's over there.

A real depopulator

Oh, what a deep divin' catfish

Well, boys, hope they don't run out
of Monongahela red eye this time!

[LAUGHTER]

Born too mean to die

[COMICALLY SOMBER MUSIC]

Oh... Oh!

That ought to keep her from drifting.
[LAUGHING]

Say, Mister, which one of them fellas
is captain of this boat?

What did you say?

He wants to know who the captain is.

[LAUGHTER]

How long you bushwhackers
been holed up in the backwoods?

Everybody knows who the captain
of the Gullywhumper is.

It's me, Mike Fink, king of the river.

Well, captain,
meet up with Davy Crockett,

king of the wild frontier.

Davy Crockett, huh?
Well, it sure is a small world.

You're about a foot shorter
than you ought to be.

Don't worry, he's still a-growin'.

I like them yarns
they keep spreading about him.

Mighty hard to live up to sometime.

Well, I don't have no trouble
livin' up to mine.

I am the original ring-tail roarer
from the thunder and lightning country.

I'm a real snorter and a head-buster.

I can out-run, out-jump,
out-sing, out-swim,

out-match, out-sh**t,
out-eat, outright...

Out-talk?

Yeah, out-talk, out-cuss and out-fight.

Anybody in the whole Mississippi
and Ohio rivers put together.

Mighty interesting,
but all we wanna know

is how far down the river you're going.

Why, all the way to New Orleans,
of course.

Told you I'm Mike Fink, king of the river.
This is my own private river.

Well, have you got room
for a couple of private passengers?

- Where you bound?
- Natchez.

We got some furs
we aim to sell down there.

Well, you get a better price
for your furs in New Orleans.

Tell you what I'll do,
seeing as how it's you.

I'll make you a special rate.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

Yes, you and your furs
all the way to Natchez,

or New Orleans,
for only a thousand dollars hard money.

Why, that's plain uncivilized piracy.

[LAUGHING]
Ain't no question about it.

Now, make up your minds
and let me know afore morning.

You're keeping me from my drinkin'.

A thousand dollars?

Who does that big windbag think he is?

Seems like he told us.

Well, he might be the king of the river,
but he ain't got the only boat.

- Howdy, there.
- Howdy.

- This your boat?
- Yep.

- Bertha Mae out of Marietta.
- Sounds like a racehorse.

Pretty hard to beat if she's handled right.

Which way you going?
Upriver or down?

Ain't going no place right now.

Barrel's marked for New Orleans.

That's right.
But my crew up and deserted me.

- What'd they do that for?
- Heared about the Injuns.

Didn't know there was
any Injun trouble around here.

Oh, it ain't here.
Downriver somewhere.

Other side of Shawnee town.

Them red devils
are attacking everything.

Flatboats loaded with settlers.
Even on the keelboats.

Got so bad, nobody'd sign on.

Don't seem to be scaring off
Mike Fink none.

Him and them
Pittsburgh pole-pushers of his,

they ain't human enough to be scared.

Looks like we picked
the wrong time for a boat ride.

Hey.

Are you really Davy Crockett?

Why, sure.

I'm Captain Cobb.

This is my friend, Georgie Russell.

- Glad to know ya.
- Howdy.

You fellas got quite a reputation
when it comes to Injun fightin'.

Now if folks knew
you were going downriver with me,

we could get ourselves a crew.

What do you think, Georgie?

Beats paying a thousand dollars,
that we ain't got.

How many men would it take?

Six, if they're as strong as you be.

Well, if they don't know anymore
about boating

than Georgie and me,
it'll be some crew.

Better split up.
We're gonna cover the town.

Don't you be a-feared
of tootin' your own horn, Davy.

Well, mind what you go promisin'.

Don't want anybody
to think this's gonna be a frolic.

That one's about the right size.

See you back at the landing.

[GRUNTS] Ah!

[GRUNTING]

- Ah!
- Oh!

[LAUGHTER]

Now, anybody else don't care
for my cee-gar?

Kind of handy with them fists of your'n,
ain't you?

I'm better at kicking and bitin'.

You're just the kind of fella I been
looking for. Have a drink on me?

You're just the kind of fella
I've been looking for, too.

Well, here's mud in your eye.

Wanna know something?

Sleepy little old river town like this
ain't no place for a man of your talents.

- Mister, that's a fact.
- Have another?

- Ha.
- What's your name?

Jocko.

- Mine's Georgie.
- Well, I'm pleased to meet you.

Ah, it's kind of tasty, ain't it?

[WHISPERING]
That'd grow pink whiskers...

That'd grow pink whiskers
on a hound dog.

Hey, Jocko, how do you like to see
a little something of the world?

What you driving at, Georgie?

I'm gonna let you in on something.

Me and Davy Crockett
is getting up a little party

to take a boat ride down the river.

- Take a what?
- Boat ride, on the Bertha Mae.

Clean down to New Orleans.

[CHORTLING]

What's so funny?

That's the gall-bustingest joke
I ever heard.

Hey, Mike!

JOCKO: This clodhopper
is trying to sign old Jocko

on the Bertha Mae.

You tired of livin'?

Nobody tries to steal
one of Mike Fink's crew.

Well, how did I know this little hyena...

This little squirt...

One of your hyenas?

I accept your apology.
Couple of Mike Fink specials.

I thought you and Davy Crockett
was a couple of smart fellas.

Turnin' me down for a bumblin' old coot
like Cap Cobb.

You heard about them Injuns downriver?

GEORGE: Yeah, but Injuns
don't scare Davy none.

Our only trouble is,
we can't get a crew.

MIKE: Well, you ain't gonna find
no keelboat men around here.

If any of these cornhuskers
are crazy enough to join up with you,

you'll end up in a sandbar for sure.

Yeah, it's risky, all right,
but we get a free ride.

Well, it's your funeral.

[BUBBLING, HISSING]

As we say down in New Orleans,
bon voyage!

Hey, down the hatch!

Well, I already had a little more
than I'm used to.

Oh, come on now, square off.

You're gonna be a river man,
you gotta learn how to drink like one.

[DRINK GURGLING]

[STOMACH GURGLING]

[LAUGHTER]

That's funny.
No sign of my friend Russell anywhere.

You go look for him, Davy.

We'll find the rest of the fellas you need.

Yeah, it may take a little persuading,

but we'll have a full crew
on the landin' afore morning.

Mighty obligin' of you fellas
to join up with me.

Well, anything for you, Davy.

Well, let's get some men.

[HOOTING, HOLLERING]

GEORGE: Yee-haw!

Yee-hoo! Ha ha!

Whoo hoo hoo!

Yee-hoo!

Hey! Hiya, Davy!

What in thunder got into him?

Only a couple of Mike Fink specials.

Well, Georgie ain't a drinkin' man.

That's what he claimed, but look at him!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Hey, Davy! Yee-hoo!

Yee-hoo! Ah hoo hoo!

Georgie Russel,
quit making a fool out of yourself

- and get off...
- [LAUGHTER]

Oh, leave him alone, Crockett,
he's enjoying hisself!

Ain't had so much fun

since I slid down old Smokey
on a barrel stave!

Don't worry, Davy,
we'll beat 'em easy!

Beat 'em?

What's he talking about? Beat who?

Me. Looks like you got a race
on your hands.

- Race? What kind of race?
- Well, keelboats, of course!

The Gullywhumper
against the Bertha Mae.

- To New Orleans.
- We can't race you.

Well, that's what I told him,
but he wouldn't believe me.

Bet your furs against two barrels
of my Monongahela whiskey.

He knows better than that.
It took us all winter to get them furs.

My crew's gonna look mighty fancy
in coonskin caps.

[LAUGHTER]

Yee-hoo! Ah-ha!

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

[WHOOPING, LAUGHTER]

DAVY: George, get down from there!

[CRASH, CLATTER]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[LAUGHTER]

Hey!

Hey, hey, have a little heart.

That's awful wet!

If you're gonna be a river man,
you gotta get used to water.

I'm awful sorry, Davy.

Bein' sorry ain't gonna get us
to New Orleans ahead of Mike Fink.

Well, couldn't tell him I was only foolin'?

You think he's the kind
to let you off that easy?

No, I don't reckon he is.
I'll never do it again, Davy.

Well, you better not.

Now we really gotta
find ourselves a crew.

Well, not in your condition.

You get on back to the boat
and have Cap Cobb put you to bed

while I gather up the gear.

Thank you, Davy.
You're mighty understandin'.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Citizens of Maysville,

you are about to witness the start
of an historical event,

which may well be remembered
as the classic contest of all time,

a keelboat race

between the intrepid
Davy Crockett of Tennessee...

[CHEERING]

And the undefeated Mike Fink,
king of the river!

[CHEERING]

Are the captains ready?

I'm ready.

I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

Hey, Crockett, might as well
give me them furs right now.

You ain't won 'em yet.

Well, if I don't, I'll eat my hat,
red feather and all! [LAUGHING]

One of these days, that big blowhard's
gonna get what's comin' to him.

Take your starting positions.

Stand by!

Stand by!

- COBB: No, no, no!
- [LAUGHTER]

Jumpin' catfish! Do like I told ya.

Go forward so we can walk back.

[LAUGHTER]

Now remember,
no one starts until the cannon fires.

Get ready.

Get ready, boys.

[DRUM ROLL]

[HISSING]

[BOOM]

[CHEERING]

[SINGING] Listen to the thunder

Hear the winds roar

Hurricane's a-comin'

Board up the door

Load up the cannon

Call out the law

Worstest calamity

That folks ever saw

Girls run and hide

Brave men shiver

I'm Mike Fink

King of the river!

Oh, he's a ring-tail roarer

And a tough old alligator

Oh, he's a bull-nosed bully

And a real depopulator

Oh, what a fightin' devil

He'll spit right in your eye

He's gonna live forever

Born too mean to

[BASS VOICE] Die

[LAUGHTER]

It ain't no use, Davy.
We ain't gonna catch 'em.

We just ain't got
the hang of it.

What we need's a song
like they've got.

Well, let's sing one, then.

[SINGING] He don't take nothin'
from no man at all, h*!

The bigger they brag

The harder they fall, h*!

The tougher they are,
the louder they squall

When they get wet through
in a free-for-all, h*!

Davy, Davy Crockett

King of the wild frontier

[CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]
Ain't no trick at all

To pole a keelboat

We can beat Mike Fink
with anything that floats

We got the hang
while we feel our oats

Look at them clodhoppers,
would ya?

[LAUGHING]

Davy, Davy Crockett

Was I snorin' again?

On your feet! They're catchin' up!

Don't strain yourselves, boys.

They ain't gonna catch us.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Wait till they find their selves
going down dead man's sh**t!

[LAUGHTER]

Stand by!

All righty, let's pole!





Much obliged for relievin' me, Davy.

How we doin'?

We're gainin' on them.
They're just around that bend.

Yeah, so's the falls of the Ohio.

- Falls?
- That's what they call 'em.

Actually, it's a stretch of bad rapids.

Used to be real dangerous
till they put in the channel marker.

That's funny...

River must've cut a new channel
since my last trip.

Gentlemen, let's have
a moment of silence

for them poor unfortunates
what took the wrong channel.

[BANGING, CRACKING]

Hey, you stumble-footed idiots!

What are you trying to do,
send us to the bottom?

Pass them poles!

Hey, cap. It's getting rough.

You sure we're in the right channel?

Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!

We're in dead man's sh**t!

Somebody must've moved the marker!

[WAVES CRASHING]

Hey, can't afford to lose you now, cap.

Better get below.

Hey, Davy, look out!

There's a rock dead ahead.

[WAVES CRASHING]

Pole, you lop headed baboons!
They're beatin' us!

Let's pole!

Hey, Davy, we're still leadin'.
We might just win this race.

Georgie, don't go skinnin' the bear
till we sh**t him.

Hey, cap, what's them lights up ahead?

Shawnee town. And we better put in.

Put in, and let them hyenas
get ahead of us again?

Can't be helped.

Everything below is soakin' wet,
even our powder.

And them Injuns is apt
to jump us anytime now.

Hey, Mike, listen.
It sounds like they're puttin' ashore.

- Uh-huh. So are we.
- What? You crazy?

Why, now's our chance
to get way ahead!

What's the sense of bustin' our backs
when there's an easier way?

Here, take over.

Pretty late.
Sure hope Davy'll find somethin' open.

If they don't take long,

maybe we can get started again
afore that Mike Fink shows up.

Ain't no sign of him yet.

Hope they don't sneak by us in the dark.

[FROG CROAKING]

- What's that?
- Just an old bullfrog.

[LAUGHS]
If that ain't just like a city fella!

Don't even know a bullfrog
when he hears one.

[FROG CROAKING]

Little old rascal's getting
pretty close, ain't he?

Oh, the whole riverbank's full of 'em.

[FROG CROAKING]

- What'd you do, Fink?
- Me?

- Yeah, what'd you do? What'd you do?
- Nothin'.

Seems like a couple bolts
rusted off their rudder

when they wasn't looking.

Don't figure it can hang together
too much longer.

[LAUGHTER]

Hello, there! Come on ashore!

[FALSETTO] Yoo-hoo, boys.

Come on over, boys.
Have a good time!

We got liquor
and some fine entertainment.

[FALSETTO] We're lonesome
for some dancin', men!

You won't be sorry!

Well, what do you know?

They made that old cave into a tavern.

Fetch your poles and hold her, boys.

MAN: [HIGH VOICE] Yoo-hoo, boys!

Don't overdo it. They're stoppin'.

You Injuns get ready.

Ain't you gettin' mighty ambitious,
Mason...

Takin' on Mike Fink and his crew?

We'll take them as easy
as we did the others.

Sure wish we had
some of that cologn-y water.

[BOTH SNIFF]

Yeah.

Ah! Mike, look!

I'm afraid them sir-eens
is gonna be disappointed.

Oh, ain't that rudder busted yet?

That Crockett's got a real gift
for spoilin' my fun.

Yeah!

See you gals on the way back!

- Yoo-hoo!
- Yoo-hoo!

Now to them poles!

Ah, it didn't work, they're going on.

They won't get far. Take the horses.

Stay in the saddle.
Wanna leave footprints all over?

Injuns! Get braced for some fun, boys!

[b*ll*ts ZINGING]

This is what we've been waitin' for.

Carnation, Davy. Can't we let Mike Fink
try braggin' his way out of this one?

Yee!

[SHOUTING, g*nshots]

[LAUGHING]

Keep poling to 'em, boys!

[b*ll*ts ZINGING]

[YELPING]

Where the devil did that
other boat come from?

Don't know, but let's get!

- Anybody get hurt, Mike?
- How could we?

You chased 'em off
before we got started.

[SNEEZES]

Help, help! Hey, help!

[CRACK]

[LAUGHTER]

Now what made that bust loose?

You fellas are sure having tough luck,
ain't you?

Sorry we can't help you none.

Shove off, boys. We got a race to win.

That puffed-up polecat
had something to do with this.

Wait'll we catch up with him again.

They didn't leave nobody
on the Gullywhumper, Davy.

Now's our chance to get even.

Sure would be easy
to swap rudders, all right.

No, we gotta win this race
fair and square.

There's a good ship fitter here.

I'll wake him up
and get him right to work.

How long you figure it'll take?

Oh, won't take no time at all
to hang a rudder.

That is, if he's got one already made up.

I sure hope he's got one,

because Mike ain't gonna wait around
once he knows we're here.

[WHOOPING, LAUGHTER]

Mike seems to be enjoying himself.

Maybe you and me can keep him
entertained a while longer.

Give us a signal
when you're ready to shove off.

I'll do that.

Why, you milk-livered city folk
done been took in by them tall tales

about this here Davy Crockett.

King of the wild frontier, my eye!

There ain't room in this country
but for one king,

- and that's me!
- Yes, sir, Mr. Fink.

Why, that squash-headed beanpole
of a bear hunter

ain't no match for my shadow.

I can beat him at anything you name.

Take sh**ting, for instance.

Them paper targets he uses,
ain't no test of a man's nerve.

Now, hold still.

Hold still.

But with a target like that...

If a man ain't awful careful,
he could make a mighty serious mistake.

Wait a minute, Mr. Fink.

You ain't aimin' to sh**t this
off my head?

That's good whiskey you're spillin'.

There ain't nothin' to it,
if you'll hold still like this...

[g*nsh*t]

Like that, Mike?

Lucky thing for you fellas
that Mike Fink's got a sense of humor.

Come on, belly up!

Seems like the proprietor's gone
on a sudden journey

and left me in charge.

Drinks is on the house!

[CHEERING]

Come on, join us!

We'd admire to,
but me and Georgie

don't hold with drinking
when we got a race to win.

Why, I thought you fellas
would be ready to give up by now.

You don't know Davy.
He ain't never quit nothin' in all his life.

These hillbillies are sure hounds
for punishment, ain't they?

[LAUGHTER]

Why, we'll be halfway to Natchez
before you get that rudder fixed.

Come on, boys, drink up,
and let's shove off!

Hey, Mike. I'm surprised at you.

Why?

Lettin' that shot of Davy's stand
without no challenge.

Ha ha, you call that a shot?

Why, any kid back in Pittsburgh
could do the same

if his pa'd let him waste a whiskey.

With the same target
you was gonna use?

Yeah. Only I was gonna do it backwards.

- Backwards?
- In the mirror.

- Here, I'll show you.
- Oh, no, you don't.

You scared, too, Crockett?

Lot of difference between
being scared and downright foolish.

All right,
I'll show you a real trick then.

- I'll sh**t it off my own hat.
- This we gotta see.

[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]

Back out of the way, everybody!

That's tolerable good shootin'
for a river man.

Tolerable?

I suppose you can do better?

I might just try.
Charge up old Betsy for me.

I ain't so sure about this.
Better duck your heads.

[PING, DING, PING]

I just don't believe it.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

MIKE: It is not humanly possible

to leap up and catch
a ball in your mouth.

Why, you...

What's going on around here?

Who shot again?

Now, fellows, stop fighting!

[CRASHING, THUDDING]

Now, fellows, stop fighting.

Aah!

I said stop fightin'!

I told you to stop fighting!
You guys stop fighting!

[OBJECTS SMASHING, CLATTERING]

MAN: [FROM DISTANCE] Hey! Hey!

Hey! Come on, get me!

I need some help!

- I wonder what he wants.
- I don't know.

Hey, cap, swing into that island.

Thank the lord you stopped.

You're the first souls I've seen

since my flatboat went to pieces
and marooned me here.

I near starved to death.

We can fix that. Come on aboard.

Thank you kindly, son.

Mind waitin' till I fetch my livestock?

Livestock?

[CLUCKING, GRUNTING, SQUEALING]

Hey! We ain't got time
to load all them animals!

Here comes the Gullywhumper!

- Cap's right.
- We just can't leave him here.

Even if we did get him aboard,
we ain't got room to pole.

Hey, forget about them critters,
grandpa, and get aboard.

We're in a hurry!

I can't leave my stock!

It ain't right that he should.

Come on, boys.
Let's give him a hand.

[COW LOWS]

[PIG SQUEALING]

Now, ain't that obligin'
of them cornhuskers,

waitin' here for us like this?

Hey, Crockett, what you doin',

recruitin' a new crew? [LAUGHING]

This ain't no laughin' matter.

[PIGLETS SQUEALING]

- [GOAT BLEATS]
- [GRUNTS] Oh!

What are you belly-aching about?
We're doing all the work.

Now I know exactly
how Noah must've felt.

So much obliged
for all the trouble I put you to.

That's my place yonder on the bayou.

Got time to break bread with us?

Admire to,
but we got some time to make up.

Excuse me, please.
I got to look after my critters.

Well, I sure gotta hand it to you, Davy.

You just don't know when you're up.

Well, not everybody can come in first.

Maybe the good lord
didn't intend for us to win this race.

Well, then what are we breaking
our backs for to get to New Orleans?

We gotta deliver some furs to Mike Fink.

So long, cap.
Sorry your boat's so big.

What's the matter with the size?

Well, if she was a might smaller,

you could save 40 miles
by takin' this here bayou.

I been down it in my skiff plenty of times.

Runs back into the Mississippi
just above New Orleans.

Think we got a chance
at gettin' through?

Well, it'd be a tight squeeze,
but if you cut a few trees out of the way

and don't mind scraping
the bottom a little,

you might make it.

Georgie,
maybe we ain't lost this race yet.

[ALLIGATOR SNARLS]

We been practicing long enough.
Now let's show 'em something.

Go to them poles,
you scummy river rats!

If you don't get me
to that landing afore Crockett,

so help me,
I'll turn every mother's son of ya

into catfish bait!

Push, boys!

Push like you never pushed afore!

We're beatin' 'em, boys! Push!

Moose. Give 'em the Pittsburgh punch!

Aah!

So you want to play rough?

Ah!

- Give it to 'em, Jocko.
- Oh!

Give 'em what for, Davy.

[LAUGHING]

Use that pole, man!

Hit 'em! Hit 'em!

Uh... Uh!

[LAUGHTER]

Hey! You thought you was
gonna wear our pelts!

You thought we was
gonna be trailin'!

What's the world gonna say?

Mike Fink, king of the river,
losin' to a pack of landlubbers.

I don't reckon we want
anything but our furs.

That's all we started out to do.

You mean, you ain't gonna
lay claim to my red feather?

There's only one king of the river, Mike.

Yeah, that there bayou
we just come through

ain't rightly a part of the Mississipp.

Where's my hat?

[SINGING] They were darn good friends
from that day on

Davy sold his furs and then was gone

Sailin' north with Mike
to the land of the fawn

Where a man could live
by brain and brawn

Davy, Davy Crockett

Off for the woods again

From the mouth of the river
up to its head

Boatmen and travelers
was filled with dread

'Cause redskin pirates
was raisin' old Ned

And the whole blamed river
was a-runnin' red

Davy, Davy Crockett

The man who don't know fear

Put your backs into it.

What do you think this is, a free trip?

Why, you ungrateful polecat, we shoved
and dragged this old tub of yours

all the way up from New Orleans.

I gotta admit, for a couple backwoods
bear hunters, you ain't done bad.

Those are mighty kind words
coming from you, Mike.

You can put us ashore
any place along here.

I can't see why you
bristle-headed varmints

can't land at a settlement
like civilized passengers.

How do you like that?
He works the tar out of us,

then he calls us "passengers."

It's the quickest way to get home.

- Sounds like a mighty long walk to me.
- Who's walkin'?

We're gonna get some horses
and sit down for a change.

Now, where are you gonna find horses
in a lonesome place like this?

Chickasaws. This is their country,
and they're real friendly.

Been a real pleasure knowing you, Mike.

I ain't likely to forget you two, neither.

- Hey, you forgot your sack!
- [THUD]

- Oh, that's yours.
- Mine?

Just a little something
to remember us by.

Open it up.

Well, ain't she a pretty little pop g*n?

"To Mike Fink, king of the river,

"from his admirers,
Davy Crockett and G. Russel."

Oh, now that we're leavin',

we figured you needed
something to protect you

against them redskin pirates upriver.

Don't reckon I'll need her for that.

But she'll sure come in mighty handy

for letting tavern keepers
know Mike Fink's a-comin'.

There's something else
in that sack for you.

Uhh.

Aw. You shouldn't have done it.

Georgie and me didn't want nobody
thinkin' you still wasn't king.

Never was no danger of that.

You bushwhackers ever get a hankering
to be river men again, look me up.

All right, get back to your poling,
you fork-tailed scorpions!

MIKE: And pull!

Put your backs into it!

Shove on them poles!

What do you think this is,
a pleasure cruise?

MIKE: We got a cargo to move!

Hey, here's a trail.

Probably lead us right
to a Chickasaw camp.

[SINGING] Off through the wood
we're a-marching along

Makin' up yarns and a-singin' a song

He's ringy as a bear and twice as strong

Thinks he's right
'cause he ain't often wrong

Davy, Davy Crockett

Back in the woods again

What's the matter?

If you'd been listening,
you'd know ain't nothin' but you singin'.

Yeah, that's right. Not a sound.

Not a bird or a squirrel.
Something must've scared 'em.

Must be a Chickasaw huntin' party
somewheres nearby.

Well, they ain't huntin' us.
Let's find them.

I reckon they'll find us,
if we stay on this trail.

You quit the caterwaulin'.
No need to scare off their game.

Davy, where are ya?

Hey, you darn idiot! Cut me down.

[CHUCKLING] So you stepped
in a old deer snare, huh?

It's a good thing Mike Fink can't see
the king of the wild frontier now.

Ow! Ooh!

[MUTTERING ANGRILY]

[WHOOPING]

What's the matter with you
crazy Chickasaw? We're friends!

You're making a terrible mistake!

Don't you understand,

it's Davy Crockett
you're trying to hog-tie.

Don't you understand? Davy Crock...

[SPEAKING CHICKASAW]

Now you know where
they was taking us.

Yeah, but what are they
going to do with us?

You've seen red hornet
stirred up before.

Shouldn't be too hard to guess.

Mind your manners, Georgie.
This is the chief.

I am told you are the hunter
white men call Davy Crockett.

He sure is, chief.

You are known to us
as friend of the red man.

We both are,
and look how you're treating us.

You and your friend will not be harmed,
but you will remain prisoner.

Why are your men in w*r paint?

We go to avenge the m*rder
of our brothers.

This messenger has come
from the chief of the Kaskaskias.

White men have been k*lling
his people without reason,

hunting them down like animals.

Kaskaskias?

They're up on the Ohio
around cave-in rock.

Well, no wonder folks
been shootin' at 'em.

They've been attacking every boat
comes down the river.

Do you understand what they say?

[SPITS] They are white.
They hear only white man's lies.

Now, listen here, you.
This ain't something we heard.

We seen it, didn't we, Davy?

- Sure did.
- When was this?

Not more than three months ago.

Yeah, we helped break up
a raid on a boat

- just below the big cave.
- More lies.

Three moons ago
my people were hiding far from the river,

driven there by the white men.

Then it must have been
some other tribe.

There are no other red men
in the land of the Kaskaskias.

- We have always kept the peace.
- I believe you.

Georgie, you know what this means?

Well, it could mean some white skunks
are dressing up like Indians

so these poor devils get the blame.

We're going to find out who they are.

You say you know me.

Then you know Davy Crockett's
word is good. Turn us loose,

and we'll chase those varmints
out into the open.

And if they ain't Indians, we'll see to it
everybody finds out about it.

It is too late.

Already more messengers
have gone to the Shawnee...

The Miami, the Kickapoo.
And the Chippewa.

Then call them back.
Send out runners of your own.

Tell the chiefs to keep the peace.

Know this, Davy Crockett.

We have always wanted peace
with the white man.

But he does not want peace with us.

He makes treaties and calls us brother.

But he believes any evil he hears of us.

That's right. But it works two ways.

To strike back
at a few no good murdering whites,

you'd turn the whole frontier
into a needless w*r.

I will send runners.

But we will wait
only until the full of the moon.

[SPEAKING CHICKASAW]

Sure hope that old Gullywhumper
didn't pass 'fore we got here.

They ain't had time.

We got a long way ahead of them,
thanks to them Indians.

What makes you think
Mike's gonna want to throw in with us?

It's his river we aim to clean up, ain't it?

Yeah.

That old chief didn't give us much time.

Won't take long
for that new moon to fatten up.

Leastwise we ain't gonna waste
no more time here.

You know, Davy,
you showed rare good sense

in getting old Mike Fink to help you.

Don't make no difference
whether them pirates are red or white.

Me and my skull busters'll make
mincemeat of them.

We gotta find 'em first.

Well, ain't certain
they'll show their selves

after that whopping I gave them
comin' downriver.

They're sure to recognize
the old Gullywhumper.

MAN: Hey, Mike! Look what's comin'!

MIKE: Why,
that's the Monongahela belle.

But where's her crew?

Prepare to grab her
as she comes alongside, boys.

MAN: Aye, aye, captain.

MIKE: All right, hold onto this mud bank,
you scummy river rats.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I knowed old cap Donovan.

Looks like he put up a real good fight
before they wiped him out.

Yeah.

Thought you said
these pirates wasn't Injuns.

Well, they ain't.
No redskin ever made this arrow.

Let me see that.

Yeah, you're right.

Ain't no tribal markings,
ain't feathered right.

I wonder how far downstream
she drifted since the massa-cree.

Ain't no way of telling.

Nah, they didn't hardly leave nothing.

Well, they left these.
Try it on for size.

Uh-uh! I wouldn't be caught dead
in a monkey suit like that.

Well, it ain't gonna be hard
to disguise the Gullywhumper,

but something's
gotta be done about you.

Now, put it on.

Put it on.

[MEN SHOUTING ORDERS,
CHATTERING]

Good name for her, Garth.

Hey, Moose.

Hide this below where
we can get it in a hurry.

- What's so heavy in that sack?
- Rocks.

Rocks? You featherheaded idiot!

I'll find out what's going on here.

What in thunderation you up to?

You're a banker, ain't you?

Yes, sir. King of the bankers, that's me.

On my way up to Shawnee town
to open a new establishment.

But what's these here rocks
got to do with that?

Can't run a bank without money, can ya?

No. Don't reckon.

That's your capital.
Genuine Spanish gold.

Say...

We're rich, ain't we?

That's what we're hopin'
them pirates will think.

I figure if we stop in a couple of towns,
those folks'll hear about our rich cargo.

Word'll get upriver faster than we can.

[SINGING] Oh, the river is long
and the moon is high

And I want a gal before I die

Pretty little gal with a turned-up nose

And dancin' music in her twinkling toes

Oh, her cheeks is pink

And her smile is shy

And her hair's the color of midnight

Midnight sky

Set 'em up again.

Color of midnight, midnight

Midnight sky

[APPLAUSE]

That banjo player's got real talent.

Oh, yes.
He hits this town every once in a while.

Plays to drum up business for himself.

Who is he?

A peddler from back East.
He calls himself Colonel Plug.

I sure do admire classical music.

[GAGS]

What the devil is in this?

It's just your usual sarsaparilla, sir.

Delicious, ain't it?

I don't believe I got your name, stranger.

McGillicuddy... J.J. McGillicuddy,

on my way up to Shawnee town
to open up a new bank.

Ah, Mr. McGillicuddy,
I feel it my duty to inform you

that river travel
is not safe anymore here.

Well, if you're referring
to them Injun pirates,

we ain't carrying nothing they'd want.

No g*ns, no powder.

Not even no whiskey.

Just a cargo of old Spanish gold.

[STRING TWANGS]

MAN: A cargo of gold?

Well, I'm surprised
that your captain would risk that.

Well, you ain't scared any, are you, cap?

Not about the gold.

We'll believe them Injuns
when we see 'em.

Those butchers are real, all right.

Wrecks of boats drift by all the time.

What happened to their crews?

Dead men don't talk, pretty much,

but plenty of bodies
are fished out of the river

scalped and chopped to pieces.

No use to try to scare us off, mister.

We been hearing them Injun stories
all the way up from New Orleans.

Listen, you know who Mike Fink is,
don't you?

Who is he?

Mike Fink, the keelboat man.

Calls himself king of the river.

DAVE: Oh, that big blowhard.
What about him?

Yeah. What about him?

I've heard that even he's going
to quit the river.

- You heard what?
- Yes, sir.

Even that brained jackass
is too wise to risk it.

Jackass?

[STRAINING, WOOD CRACKING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Mind your manners, Mr. McGillicuddy.

MIKE: I'm okay now, boys.
Just one of my seizures.

Excuse me, Mr. McGillicuddy.
I just couldn't help overhearing.

But do you really intend
going on upriver?

You don't think I'd go this far
if I wasn't, do ya?

Well, now, I admire a man of courage.

Just so happens that I'm mighty anxious
to get on up to Shawnee town myself.

We're pretty crowded already.

Oh, shucks, I don't take up much room.

All I got's my sample case and my banjo.

A little music wouldn't hurt none,
would it?

- This ain't no pleasure cruise.
- Listen.

You may be the captain,

but I'm the boss banker
of this outfit, ain't I?

What I say goes.

Did he get aboard this one?

Yeah, just went into the cabin.

"B-o-n-a-n-z-a."

- You ever hear of her?
- You know I can't spell.

Well, hello there, fellas.

Say, I got a new verse
I want to try out on Mr. McGillicuddy.

[WHISTLING]

Something mighty fishy
about that peddler.

Why'd you let Mike bring him aboard?

'Cause he's the first sucker
that nibbled at our bait.

Hello. Nice day.

Mighty pretty, this Ohio river country.

La belle rivière.

That's what the Frenchmen
used to call it.

Parlez-vous français?

- Huh?
- You speak French?

Oh, sure.

I've been saving this song
for a time just like this.

[SINGING]
There was a widow in New Madrid

A-smokin' a pipe
and a-chawin' on a quid

When she puckered up her lips,
I run for my life

But she run me down,
and now she is my wife

Oh, her lips is red

And her eyes is bold

And her hair's the color of yeller

Yeller gold

The color of yeller, yeller

[SHOUTING] Yeller gold!

The river is long, and the moon is high

I want a gal afore I die

A pretty little gal with a turned-up nose

And dancin' music in her twinkling toes

Oh, her lips is red

And her eyes is bold

Her hair's like yeller, yeller

Yeller gold

The color of yeller, yeller

Yeller gold

[LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[FIDDLE PLAYING]

Wait a minute! Wait a minute here.

- [CRACK]
- [LAUGHING]

What you doing, Mason?
Smokin' up a new batch?

Won't keep if I don't.

You already got your mattress stuffed.

What you want with more scalps?

Got to keep folks thinkin'
we're Injuns, don't we?

MAN: Hey, the Harpes is coming.

Did you hear that, Mason?
The Harpes just come in.

Yeah.

[OBJECT SHATTERS]

- More business for us?
- Yeah, and a fat one this time.

- And the Colonel is aboard.
- Good. What's the cargo?

- Gold.
- Yeller, yeller gold.

Mighty obligin' to ship it our way.
[CHUCKLES]

This waiting's making me nervous.
Time's getting short.

That moon was half full last night.

We still got a few days.

Gonna take a few days
to get word back to Chickasaw.

Reckon we ain't got long to wait now.

My boys is all ready...

Chock full of fighting
and itching to get at 'em.

Not so loud.
Don't want Colonel Plug to hear.

- Aw, he's still sleeping.
- Better make sure.

Take over, Mr. McGillicuddy.
This is called a tiller.

[SNORING]

[LAUGHS]

This is just about the place
they jumped us afore.

Ooh, I've worn
this monkey suit long enough.

[GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLING]

Rocks. Just plain rocks.

"Mike Fink"?

"Davy Crockett"?

Oh... Oh, excuse me, boys.

I was having a little difficulty
getting to sleep.

I thought maybe you fellows
might like to hear a little music.

[SINGING] It's Crockett and Fink

And down in the hold

[MUFFLED]
There's a cannon instead

Of yeller, yeller gold

That sounded like Plug.

But what's he singing about this time?

What difference does it make now?
He'll be sculling 'em pretty soon.

You can't do this to me, consarn ya!

Hey, Davy.

Bring up my cannon when you come.

[GRUNTS]

If I'd knowed I was gonna have
to tote this thing,

I'd have argued for a p*stol.

Hey, Moose.

Come aft and be gunner.

[CREAKING]

[GROANING SOUND]

What'd you slow her down for?

Close in on 'em. Lay them poles!

What do you think we're doing?

[MUFFLED SHOUTING] Help!

Mike, we're dragging bottom!

Well, it's them confounded rocks
you brought on board!

Get 'em outta there!

[COLONEL PLUG MUTTERING]

We're sinking!

[COLONEL PLUG MUTTERING]

[MUFFLED] Help me!

We're sinking, Mike!

- Sinking? We're sunk!
- [WHOOPING]

Grab your wee-pons, boys,
and let 'em have it!

Dang it, you can't do this to me.

I'll have the law on ya.
I'll have the law on ya!

They're attacking us from the rear!

Get the powder!

Come on, fill her up!

I scalped him!

Aah!

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nsh*t]

Ah!

Oh!

[LAUGHING]

Oh!

What's holding them up out there?

Them boatmen's putting up
an awful good fight.

We'll fix that.
Get the powder canoe in the water.

Give me a hand.

Hey! I'm on your side.

[WHOOPING] We got 'em on the run!

No wonder. Look what's coming.

[LAUGHTER]

Somebody's playing awful rough.

MIKE: Why, that's Sam Mason
and the Harpe brothers,

the orneriest skunks on the river.

- Hey, they're getting away!
- Oh, no, they ain't.

You take the rest of them in.
Georgie'll run them varmints down.

Boot tracks.
They're the ones we want.

Big Harpe, stay here and keep watch.

Wait a minute, what about my share?

You'll get what's comin' to you.

Leave that big stuff.
We can't carry that on horseback.

That's enough for now.

We can't leave all this
for somebody else.

Nobody's going to find it
till we can get back.

That's what that keg of powder's for.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Somebody's coming up the trail.

Get out of sight.

Cave Inn Tavern
ain't doing much business.

Don't think it ever was a tavern, Georgie.

You mean this is their hangout?

It's gotta be.

Davy! You ain't going in there?

Them varmints went someplace.

This is worse than crawling
in a hollow log after a bear.

[CLANKING]

- Hey, Davy...
- [WHOOSH]

Kinda drafty in here.

- Look what I found.
- What was you muttering about?

Looky. Same kind we found
sticking in that wrecked keelboat.

Here's where they changed into Injuns.

Them three that we followed in here
must be the ringleaders.

Stay here, and I'll see
if I can smoke something out.

[WHISPERS]
Hey, Davy, what's keeping you?

There's plenty of loot in there.

Well, they wouldn't go off and leave it.

Reckon they're still around.

This ought to lead
to something mighty interesting.

[SNIFFING]

[BOOM]

Oof!

Aah!

[CLANK]

[CRACK]

Why, you...

- [THUD]
- Aah!

[OBJECT SHATTERS]

[CRACK]

[THUD]

[BOOM]

[LAUGHTER]

- [THUNK]
- Oh!

[LAUGHING]

Well, here we are splitting up again,
you bushwhackers.

And if we never meet again,
remember, I'm still king of the river.

Oh, you're better than a king, Mike.

- You're a first-class friend.
- Yeah?

Fact, you're the finest
fighting man I know.

Aw! [LAUGHING]

After Davy.

All right, ring-tail scorpions!
Start pulling!

[SINGING]
Kept his promise to Mike and his crew

Kept his promise to the Injun chiefs too

For the river was clear
all the way through

And blaming the Injuns
was a-proven untrue

Davy, Davy Crockett

King of the wild frontier