02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

[MESSAGE BLIPS]

[DOG PANTS]

[SIGHS]

It's been 15 minutes.

We had an agreement: I
text, she comes out in five.

EMILY: [ON SPEAKERPHONE]
Honey, I really have work to do.

The dots have disappeared!

What does that mean? Does
that mean she's read it?

She's ignoring you.

Is that what it means? Em?

Not necessarily. Mm... Probably.

I should just drive
home, make her walk back.

No, Greg, that sounds like the
beginning of a true-crime podcast.

Well, I'm beeping.

- Not a good idea.
- Don't do it, Dad.

- Too late.
- [HONKS HORN]

Oh, Greg!

You're so gonna get it.

You can't beep outside the
cool house of the new cool girl.

It's a free country, Chloe!

And, besides, what's so cool
about Lindsay's house anyway?

Right.

Enough's enough.

Chloe, what is Daddy doing?

You don't wanna know.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? What are you doing?

Can you get in the car?

How about next time
this Lindsay comes to us?

There's no reason why our house
couldn't be the cool house.

Yeah, right, Dad.

Actually, I've never met Lindsay
or her parents. I might just pop in.

Dad, you freak, what are you doing?

Either you invite your new
cool friend to our house

or I'm knocking on that door.

- So embarrassing.
- OK.

- Time to ring the doorbell.
- OK, OK. Stop. Fine.

I'll invite Lindsay over. But just once.

Now can we go?

- Yes, we can.
- [CAR DOOR OPENS]

Lindsay said she could
come tomorrow after school.

- OK.
- So if we're gonna do this,

there have to be rules.

- Yeah, okey-dokey.
- OK.

Dad, please don't embarrass me.

Soph, I would never!
I will just be myself.

- No, that won't do.
- What? Why not?

Well, you're always trying
to be everybody's best friend.

- I am not.
- You're the reason that we're going

to our garbageman's 60th on Sunday.

We do need to get Antonio a gift.

And you can't bore anyone with
your silly Star Wars nonsense.

My friends aren't into
it the way that we...

Well, you are.

Uh... wow.

Soph, Star Wars...

That's our thing.

I've already booked tickets
for the new stand-alone movie.

I don't know, Dad.

Well, what films do
your friends like, Soph?

OK, and, Mum, you're just forbidden

- to ask a thousand questions.
- [SCOFFS]

Since when do I ask
a thousand questions?

I mean, when have I ever?
And what questions do I ask?

Can you even name one question?

Well, Sophie, how am I supposed to
know what is going on in your life?

Just read her diary, like me.

Well, that's why I write fake stuff.

So you don't wanna kiss Ben?

Don't read my diary, freak!

Mum, I really need my
own room for privacy.

How can I even have my friends over?

Oh, Soph, sorry, if you're
looking for your tweezers...

So I had a bit of a delicately
placed ingrown hair, my upper thigh.

So, happy to report:
the surgery went well,

but you might wanna give
these a bit of a wash.

[BLOWS] They fell in the toilet.

And he definitely can't be there.

- Good book?
- Mm.

Remember the days when book
titles didn't have profanity?

[SCOFFS] Yes, Grandad.

I just don't think I would've
read to k*ll an effing mockingbird.

Well, you never read to
k*ll a mockingbird, so...

- 'Cause I saw the effing movie.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hey, we're not gonna
embarrass Sophie, are we?

- As if.
- No, this is important.

This is our chance to make
our house the cool house.

- Where we can keep tabs on her.
- Where everybody feels welcome.

And then instead of Sophie
going somewhere else,

she can be right here.

And then we can all feel connected
and involved and part of her life.

So we are not going to
embarrass her, are we?

No way. No. No.

Here: zero embarrassment.

- No, I'm serious. It's important.
- Yeah, so am I.

I am. I get it.

- Yay!
- Yeah!

Goodnight.

- [FARTS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Just getting some potentially
embarrassing stuff out of the way there.

MARLO: [SENSUALLY] A
simple moist finger food

whose flavour really
explodes in the mouth.

- Nice work, Nigella.
- [LAUGHS]

- Hi! Oh, hi!
- Hi!

Mwah! I wasn't expecting to see you.

- [BOTH KISS]
- Someone had to make sure

Greg didn't bugger up
the rice-paper rolls.

- Oh! [LAUGHS]
- Oh, come on!

- I didn't bugger up the savoys.
- Yeah.

- OK. What's left to do?
- Uh... OK,

so, clear Brad's room: check.

Clear Brad and Chloe
- they're at the pool: check.

Incredibly cool food and beverages

to suit every possible taste
and dietary requirement.

I've hidden my Star Wars stuff.

I still don't know why I
needed to do that. Check.

Have you removed the thousands
of questions from your head?

Uh... check.

And are you ready not to make
friends with anyone tonight?

Uh... technically, that was a
question, Emily. You've been warned.

But, yes, I have been
practising indifference

- in front of the mirror all day.
- Oh! [CLAPS]

Mint for the mocktails!

Terry hand-rears some in the garden.

Freshens up our special-times ointment.

Yeah. Slip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Whoo! [LAUGHS]

Ooh, it might get the
kids frisky too. [GASPS]

- I'll see you soon.
- Oh, you're the best, Marlo.

Marlo and her urges cannot be
here. She is a loose cannon.

She is potentially more
embarrassing than us!

I agree. We're not quite at the stage

where we're outsourcing our
kids' embarrassment just yet.

- CHLOE: Let's show Mum, Uncle Brad!
- Oh, you're not at the pool.

Why are you not at the pool?

- I got Hannibal for the night!
- Wow!

- Why?
- Alison McEwan was supposed to have him,

but she got gastro, so we volunteered.

If I can't have a shark, then
a turtle is my ultimate pet.

- [DOOR RATTLES]
- OK. OK. They're here!

OK. Go, go, go. Sophie
cannot see you here.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] OK.

BOTH: We'll not embarrass Sophie.

Alright. [CLAPS RAPIDLY]

Uh... everyone, this
is Lindsay and Ravi.

He's staying with Lindsay
on exchange from India.

Oh! Welcome!

And what part of India are you
from? Is it anywhere near Goa?

I've just had a school
friend move over there.

Is it as beautiful as they say...

Hello, Mr and Mrs Butler.

You've got a very nice house.

- [GRUNTS]
- It is... So big.

It is what it is.

Uh... we'll be in my room.

Well, that seemed to go OK.

Yeah! Aside from your
interrogation attempt.

At least I didn't grab the
poor boy's hand like a doorknob.

What were you doing? Were
you trying to shake his hand

or let in the breeze?

Your father is scarily intense.

Is he ex-army?

[SCOFFS]

What's with the weird lady poster?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Um... she's
a throwback to Eurovision '82.

- It's a thing.
- Oh, cool.

So, did you hear what
Ben did in science?

Oh, my God. What?

He threw some kid's
pencil case out the window.

- He's so amazing.
- That was actually my pencil case.

I reckon he likes you.
You should text him.

BRAD: Oh! The turtle weed on my shirt!

Argh!

Oh, I didn't even
know turtles could wee!

- [KIDS COUGH]
- Ohh! Oh!

Sorry, Soph.

[KIDS CONTINUE COUGHING]

African musk. Sorry.

- Seriously?
- [KIDS CONTINUE COUGHING]

- Who was that man?
- Uh... no-one. Don't worry about it.

- Let's just... Go outside.
- Yeah.

[RAVI COUGHS]

What's uncle Brad doing here?

Uh... but... yeah... well, Chloe
has the school turtle, so...

But don't stress,
because we'll make sure

- that he doesn't ruin anything.
- He already has!

Mum, can you please
just get us some drinks?

We'll be outside on the trampoline.

Yeah, of course. Are
you jumping with drinks?

No! Sitting.

So typical.

Yeah, who jumps anymore
these days?! Am I right?

- Can you get ice?
- Yep.

So what do you reckon
I should text to Ben?

Give me your phone.

Well, what if I tagged him in
that photo that you sent me?

Only if you wanna get friend-zoned.
Ben hates Billie Eilish.

What?!

Alright.

Well, I guess she is a
little bit repetitive.

[GIRLS CHAT INDISTINCTLY]

[SMASHING]

[LOUD SMASHING]

[GROANS]

Oh!

You know, I think I'm gonna
keep that fairy lighting.

It sets the right mood
for when Nadia comes over.

- Where's Hannibal?
- You had him when you came in.

No.

I don't know. Did I?

Uncle Brad!

I'm so sorry, Chloe!

[SIGHS] If we can't find Hannibal,

you're telling my teacher you lost him.

[CHUCKLES] Let's not panic, OK?
We're gonna find him. Let's...

- Hannibal!
- Hannibal!

- Hannibal?
- Hannibal!

Hannibal!

Well, he's not gonna be
in the freezer, Chloe!

You don't know.

[SIGHS] Hannibal!

He's not gonna come crawling out
just because you call his name,

assuming he knows his name.

Yeah, good point. He
used to be called Warren

before Chloe changed
his name to Hannibal.

Warren? That's hardly a turtle's name.

- Warren!
- More of a rabbit's name, really.

Yeah, well, whatever he's called,
just keep out of Sophie's way.

[YELLS] No, wait! Check inside!

- [BLENDER WHIRS]
- Aarggh!

Warren?

- It's just the ice, Brad.
- Yeah, of course.

- [MARLO LAUGHS OUTSIDE]
- Is that...

I thought that she'd gone home!

[GASPS]

I have to save Sophie.

- Save her from what?!
- From Marlo being all Marlo!

Are you sure?

They look like they're having fun.

Uncle Brad, I think he's in the bin.

Bags not checking in there.

MARLO: A woman's erogenous
boundaries are delicate.

Don't worry, Soph, when the time
is right and with your consent,

Ben will probe those boundaries...

So... everything going OK here, guys?

Uh... Soph, I brought you
some fruitinis. [CHUCKLES]

Or I can make something else.

Ooh, I wouldn't mind a Milo.

I love Milo.

Marlo loves Milo.

[LAUGHS] I should do the ads!

[SENSUALLY] Marlo loves Milo.

[ALL LAUGH]

Marlo who loves Milo, do
you mind giving me... A hand.

Yeah.

Well, you'd better be quick.

[LAUGHS]

You know, the flavoured milk powder?

The... you know, like Milo.

Yeah, no... I think we got it.

OK. [CHUCKLES]

[GIRLS LAUGH]

Start with the foot, eh?
Get the foot out first.

- She can do this.
- Coming, Em!

That's my foot! My foot!

See you soon, girls.

So, um... so who's this Ben boy?

Is he Sophie's boyfriend?
And have they been kissing?

[GASPS] Have they been...

And this Lindsay, what's she
like? Is she a good influence?

Oh, and these women's boundaries
that you were alluding to -

you were talking about
football, weren't you?

Oh, Em! You really do
ask a lot of questions.

Oh, no!

I'm sorry. It's just that I can
barely ask her the time these days.

Well, it's almost 5:15.

- [SCOFFS]
- Oh, Em!

I get it! I really do!

Soph's your firstborn and you're
just mama bear protecting the cub!

But that... That is exactly right.

So?

So...

So what were you
talking about out there?

Oh, Em... [CHUCKLES]

Now, you know I love
you to the moon and back...

- Mm-hm.
- But that's in the vault.

- And once my vault is locked, it's locked.
- Mm. Marlo!

You also know that I do lovingly
admire you to the moon and back.

But I need you to leave.

Or just tell me.

It's your choice.

CHLOE: Hannibal!

BRAD: Hannibal!

Hannibal!

Can you guys keep it down? You're
not even supposed to be here.

[TOILET FLUSHES IN OTHER ROOM]

Hide! Hide!

Mr Butler, I accidentally
ripped the Star Wars calendar

on the back of the bathroom door.

I am so sorry. I was just
trying to have a look.

And I promise the rip is not large.

Are... are you a... Big fan?

Of Star Wars?

No. No.

No way.

Are you a... Big Star Wars fan?

Me?

No. It is silly-child nonsense.

And you've spoken to Sophie about this?

We talk at lunch. Yes.

I actually think the whole thing's
a little over-the-top, to be honest.

I much prefer Bollywood movies.

Yeah, because they're
not over-the-top at all.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[GIRLS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY]

[WHISPERS] You won't
believe what Ravi just said!

Well, it can't be worse than Marlo's!

He's the one poisoning Sophie

against the greatest
space saga ever conceived!

Well, that daughter of ours has
got a few more questions to answer

about this Ben boy and
his boundary breaches,

don't you worry about that.

Why do adolescents hate
everything all the time?

"Oh, I'm so cynical, so I'm cool."

Yet Ravi has no problem

when an entire city starts
dancing in perfect sync!

Yeah. Well, I say that it is or
house, our daughter, our boundaries!

Yes. Ravi needs to be set straight

so Sophie doesn't go
down this dark path.

Greg, we need to wrestle back control.

We are her parents.

- Aren't we in charge?!
- Legally, yes!

Yeah!

- Yeah, that's cute.
- Are you putting it on your story?

I have to pick a filter first.

And we'll see if Ben comments.

Uh... hey, Mum. Have you
come to take the drinks?

No.

- Hm. That... that's Ravi's.
- Mmm.

Ah!

- Mum! What are you doing?
- Well, I'm jumping.

I'm just...

[METAL CLANGS]

Oh!

[METAL CLANGS]

So, who's Ben?

Do you think Hannibal prefers
a dark canopy or a Hardy native?

Would you just give up, Uncle Brad?

- Hannibal's probably dead.
- What?!

Don't say that, Chloe.
We're gonna find him.

He probably climbed into the barbecue

and accidentally turned
on the gas with his foot

and he got roasted.

Well, he strikes me as
more street-smart than that.

Death is a part of life, Uncle Brad.

You've got to accept it and move on.

I won't move on, OK?

He's out there somewhere
and I'm going to find him.

Hannibal!

Hannibal?!

Hannibal!

Ravi, I just want to circle back
to an earlier comment you made.

- Can you believe he posted that?
- I know. I commented already.

- Oh, savage!
- [GIRLS CHUCKLE]

Oh, my God, Kendall Jenner is so hot.

If I ever kissed her, I would
seriously never stop. I mean it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Wow, oh, gosh, I
remember there was this...

Like, gorgeous girl that I
had a huge crush on in high school.

- What? Gross.
- Really?

Well, uh... not because...

- Just 'cause it's my mum...
- What happened?

Do you know the game spin the bottle?

You can't say that nobody
asked for the sequels, Ravi!

Here's some advice for you and
your man-baby friends online,

movies are not pizzas,

nobody ordered Taxi Driver
or A Clockwork Orange.

These things exist because
creative people had a vision,

they took a chance. If
you don't like something,

move on and let the rest of us enjoy it!

Stop ruining things for others!

I did not know I was ruining.

Just tell me one thing
about the last film

you did not like, specifically.

I... I don't know.

Just one moment where you thought,

"nah, this movie's not for me."

Um... the whole thing, really.

Like, who starts a w*r in space?

[SIGHS]

I have not seen the Star Wars.

Not a single one.

It is just what the
cool kids say at school,

and sometimes...

Cool is cruel.

My pencil case went flying out a window.

Ravi, Ravi, Ravi.

You have so much to learn, youngling.

Come on.

We'll start at the start.

[SIGHS] I can still smell
her Decore hair shampoo

and hear the rustle of her state-rep
hockey parachute tracksuit top.

- Hey, should we go inside?
- Shh.

And I can feel her hand on mine.

And then she leaned in...

- And our lips brushed.
- Oh!

This is a visual I can never unsee.

Next level.

BRAD: Hannibal. Hannibal!

Oh, I'm out of here. Come on, Lindsay.

No, you go. I'll find you later.

Then what happened, Mrs Butler?

Oh, please, just call me Emily...

Or Em or E.

I'm cool with whatevs. [CHUCKLES]

BRAD: Hannibal!

[STAR WARS PLAYS ON TV]

Oh! Soph, this is great!

Why didn't you tell me?
And your dad: he's so cool!

Oh, you! Ravi, please.

Everyone loves Star Wars, Soph!

[SCREAMS]

BRAD: Hannibal!

[HUFFS]

[GASPS SOFTLY]

[SOFTLY] Hello.

You've got the coolest
house of all, buddy.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

You never saw him.

But he belongs at school.

No. Warren belongs at school.

Hannibal belongs here.

Chloe, you don't want to be the
girl who lost the class turtle.

Uncle Brad will take the heat.

He basically promised.

Well, what about me? I know too much.

I'll never read your diary again.

Deal.

- Look at him.
- He's so cute.

Yeah.

- His little feet.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hey.

He's looking at you. [CHUCKLES]

Why are you so embarrassed by us?

[SIGHS]

- Oh, he just weed on me.
- [GIGGLES]

Ready, Ravi? My dad's out the front.

He's been texting me like a maniac.
I'll just say goodbye to Soph.

Oh, I'll have a look
for that book, Linds.

Great.

I'm sorry, Mr Butler, but
can you please press pause

so one day I will return
to see how it all ends?

Forget 'one day', Ravi:
let's do it this weekend.

- We could do a marathon!
- Let's do it.

Hey, Linds, I found it.

Now, there's absolutely no
hurry to get this back to me.

But it touches on everything
that we talked about.

- Cool. I'll start straightaway.
- OK.

OK, let's go, Ravi.

Goodbye, Mr Butler.

- See you, Ravi.
- [HORN HONKS OUTSIDE]

My God. Dad. What a lunatic.

- Thanks again for everything.
- Farewell.

See you, Ravi. See you on the weekend!

[CHUCKLES]

Hoo!

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

We nailed it!

So nailed it!

Soph, um...

Sweetie, we are so sorry.
I know that we broke...

Lindsay wanted to know if she
could come over again next Saturday,

maybe stay the night.

Wow. Like a sleepover?

[CHORTLES] I don't think they
call them 'sleepovers' anymore.

Yeah, we do. What else
would we call them?

Mm-hm. Makes sense.

Yeah. I mean, I think it's a great idea.

Yeah, sure. Why not? Cool. Whatevs.

Just, uh... No spin the bottle. OK, Mum?

Sp... spin the bottle?

[SCOFFS] Teenagers.

[BREATHES SHAKILY] I'm so sorry.

It's all my fault.

I swear I didn't let him
out of my sight, but...

[SIGHS]

It's my great regret
to inform you that...

Hannibal's dead!

[CRIES]

Who's Hannibal?