01x03 - Episode Three

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, there's a strange
fella in our house.

It's Jesus.

- Is this your house?

I didn't think anybody lived there.

- Are you a hippie?

Are ya?

- [Billy] You're a hermit?

- Kermit the hermit.

What you cookin'?

Gis some.

- Why?

Why should I give you some food?

- What?
- 'Cause we're starvin',

go on, gis some grub, Kermit.

- If you want some food for me,

don't you think you better
cut out the insults?

- He wasn't insultin' ya.

- I only called ya Kermit.

- We don't know what your name is, do we?

- Kidder.

- Kidder, that's a soft name, isn't it?

- What's your name then?

- Icky.

[Kidder laughs]

What you laughin' at?

What's he laughin' at me for?

Oh, it's curry, is it curry?

Put loads on mine, I love curry.

I lived in China, they
eat it all the time.

- [Kidder] Rice?

- Yeah, go on.

Got any chips?

- No.

- Why?

Go on then, I'll have the extra rice.

- Will you shut up, you?

- [Icky] Why?

- Jesus.

- Watch that, it's very hot.

- Used to this.

- I did say it was hot.

- Nah.

- I was over at Benllech yesterday,

I didn't notice anyone campin' there.

- Nah we, we only got there last night.

- Well, delayed action curry.

- Water, water!

- You puff!

- The tap, where's the tap?

- The river out the back.

- You big puff! [laughing]

You're not from round here, are ya?

- You'd take over from Louis, you know,

if you give the word, all
the g*ng'd come over to you.

Forget about Louis then, he
wouldn't be able to touch us.

You can take him, yano.

- I know.

- [Icky] So are we gonna do
that? Are we gonna go back home?

The coppers would've
forgot about us by now.

- Until next time.

- [Icky] There won't be a next time

if we don't do nothin' wrong.

- But we will do somethin'
wrong if we go back.

- [Icky] Why will we?

- We will.

- All right, so we will, but
we can still keep out the way

of the coppers,

we can keep one jump ahead of them.

- Don't you like it round here?

- It's all right but we
don't live here, do we?

- What wrong?

- Can we live here?

- Eh?

- What?

- It's not a bloody
youth hostel, you know.

You're not down there
with any school, are ya?

You're on the hoof.

Come on, what you been up to?

- Can we live here?

- Why'd you wanna live here for?

- I like it.

- And because you like it,

you think I'm just gonna
open the doors to ya?

The coppers after ya?

- No.

- What you done?

Jumped a bar stool, something like that?

- No.

- Yes!

- Look, we could help ya.

- Doin" what?

- Fixin' up the house and that.

- How do you know I want it fixed up?

- It's a dump!

- Oh, thanks!

- It could be great though.

- Could it really?

- Look, me and Icky could help ya.

- What your name?

- Billy Risley.

- Well, look, Billy Risley, first of all,

I don't need any help
round here and second,

if I did need any help...

I know what you and your mate are like,

I used to teach kids like you.

- [Billy] Are you a teacher?

- Was and I know the likes
of you and your mate.

You'll spend two days round here,

you'll be bored silly, half my
stuff will be broken to bits

and the other half will disappear

when you decide to do a quick moonlight.

Now, don't you think you better go home?

Your mother'll be worried about ya.

- I haven't got a mother.

- Well, whoever looks after ya.

- Nobody looks after me!

Look, we could help ya.

Go fetch vegetables-

- Look son, I don't want
you here, all right?

I don't want anything to do with it.

Now, go on, you've had your free scoff,

get your mate and sod off, go on.

Sod off!

Hey!

Come here.

Are you sure you're not in any trouble?

- Yeah, we've not done nothin'.

- I dunno.

Well, there are a few jobs need doin',

if you and your mate wanna
earn your keep for tonight

and just for tonight, you can do.

Tomorrow, you're on your way, right?

- Yeah, all right.

- There's some wood up the
back, I want it sawin' up.

- I'll go get Icky.

Hey, what're you doin'?

- What?

- Where are all the plates?

- They were no good anyway,
they all had cracks in 'em.

- Have you lobbed 'em?

- Come on, let's piss
off before he finds out.

- Piss off?

We're stayin' here.

- Why?

- Come on, where's those plates?

- He's lost 'em.

- What?

You what?

- [Icky] They all had cracks in 'em.

- What you on about?

- Just skimmed one off
the water, didn't 1?

Just one.

- Where's the others then?

- I dunno, one minute they
were here, the next thing-

- Jesus, they were my plates!

- There were all cracked!

- Come here!

Come here!

- Hey, leave him, you, leave him!

I said leave him!

- [Kidder] Come here!

- Oh sh*t!

- Leave him alone, you!

- Right, you little-

- I said leave him.

- What did you think I was gonna do?

- I know what you were gonna do.

- What?

- You were gonna hurt him.

- No.

- No, you won't now.

- I was gonna give him
a duckin' int river.

After all, they were my
plates, cracked or otherwise.

Have you stuck someone with that?

Eh?

Don't you think you
better get rid of it, son?

Before somebody really does get hurt.

- What did you do that for?

He said we could stay there.

- You pulled the blade on him.

He wasn't gonna hit me, you know.

There's no chance of
stayin' here now though.

- There might be, if we make it all right.

- How?

- We're gonna have to get
some plates, aren't we?

- Where from?

- I don't know.

Come on.

Hey mate, are there any shops round here?

- No, there's no shops around here pal,

if you want shops, you'll
have to go back to Liverpool.

- What?

- How do you know we're from Liverpool?

- Oh, a clever guess.

You see, I once went to
Liverpool when I was-

- Come on, George, what
about this washing line?

- Yeah, I'm just finishin' off here love,

I won't be a minute.

- Well come on, I'm waiting to use it.

- Oh, for Christ sake woman.

- Hey, don't touch that
with your greasy hands!

Oh, George, you're bloody

trousers.
- Trousers, I know.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Better lookin' than yours!

- Half a bitter please, Jim.

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]

- Hey!

[speaking in foreign language]

- Understand Welsh do you, hippie?

- A little, yeah.

- There's a pub across the square,

that's where all the tourists drink.

- Yeah?

I'm not a tourist though.

[speaking in foreign language]

Come again?

A little bit slower.

- I'll do better than that,
I'll give you a translation,

why don't you piss off
to where you come from?

- [Jim] Right, come on,
out, I've warned you, out!

- Piss off!

- We bloody belong here,

he's the b*stard who should be thrown out.

- I said out!

- You've been warned, this is out patch.

- Beers like piss anyway.

- Serve it to the
English, they deserve it.

- I've told you before!

Sorry.

- It's all right.

- We'll tell him we're sorry, right?

- Yeah.

- And don't you go sayin' anythin' stupid!

- Me?

- If we tell him we're really
sorry, it'll be all right.

- Still be better if we had some plates.

- Well they don't grow on trees, do they?

Jesus!

Go on!

- Hey!

- Come on, come on!

- George, quick, come on,
they got our best plates!

Oh my god!

Go and get the car.

- I don't bloody believe this!

- Tyson?

Tyson?

- Who's a pretty boy then, eh?

- Christ.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Come on.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Hey lad.

What're you doin'?

- Come on, let's go.

- [Billy] What're you up to?

- Just a bit of paintin'.

What's it to you?

- Did you do that?

- What if we did.

- Just knock it off, will ya?

- [Man] Come on.

- Get lost.

- I won't tell you again.

- Piss off, what's it to you anyway?

- Hey!

You're not gonna do that, we live here.

I said we live here.

- Jesus!

- Get off me, you dickhead!

- He's got a bloody knife.

- Now piss off.

Go on, you wooley back pufters, sod off!

- Knife is it?

We'll we back for you.

- You come back here lad and
you'll get what's comin' to ya.

This is our patch now, right?

We live here.

No go on, get off our
land before I slice ya up.

- Go on!

- You all right?

- Yeah, was gonna k*ll
'em, are you all right?

- Yeah, it's just a scratch,

b*stard scraped my hand
across the wall, didn't he?

Who the hell's that?

- Looks soft, doesn't he?

- What?

- Let's go.

- No.

- What?

There's nearly 200 notes here.

- Stop, put it back!

- Come on, we could go anywhere with this,

we could go the Rhyl,
there's a fair at Rhyl.

- Look, I've told ya, put
it back and forget about it,

we're not goin' to bleedin' Rhyl,

we're stayin' here.

- I don't have to!

- All right then, you go.

- lam, I'm goin' to.

- [Billy] Go on then, get lost!

- Aren't you comin' with me?

You, you know I can't go without you.

- Why?

- 'Cause you're me mate, aren't ya?

- Haven't you even got
the grace to piss off?

- What?

Hey now look, this wasn't us.

- It wasn't us.

- Oh, it just happened, did it?

- No, we came back and
found three fellas here.

- There was already paint all over it,

these three wooley-backs were-

- What did they look like?

Three of 'em?

- Yeah, they were older than us.

We stopped 'em from wreckin' the house.

- You didn't stick anyone
with that knife, did ya?

- No, I didn't.

I was the only one who got damaged, look.

- Jesus.

- It's nothin".

- They were gonna wreck
the place, you know,

they were vandals, weren't they?

- We got your plates for ya.

- Eh?

- I'll show ya.

- Who's that?

- It's uh, a friend of
mine, an ex-friend of mine.

- Looks a bit demented, don't he?

- See?

Didn't believe us, did ya?

- Where did they come from?

- [Billy] Where'd you think?

- I don't know, that's why I'm askin'.

- Well, we brought them, all right?

We got a lift in to some village
and we brought them there.

- In the market.

- I'm sorry.

- It's all right.

- Sorry.

Let's have a look at that hand.

- Oh, it's all right.
- I said let's have a look.

- [Icky] Oh, me foot!

I think it might be broken!

I got hurt as well, ya know.

- What's wrong?

- I dunno, I think it might
be strained or broken.

- Get your shoe off, I'll have
a look when I've done this.

- Okay.

- Do you know those three fellas
who were wreckin' your house?

- I know who they are.

- Don't they like ya?

- No.

- Why?

- I dunno.

There you go.

- Ta.

- Let's have a look.

I mean, you hate thick Yorkshire
men, why shouldn't they?

- We don't hate them, not like
the c*ck and Scotties,

we just know that Yorkshire
puddin's are thick and dozy.

- Really?

There's a really sharp saw
in that shed back there,

go and fetch it for me, will ya?

- Oh yeah, all right.

- Now look, Billy,

you're gonna have to
hold him down ya know.

- What?

- Obviously without an anaesthetic.

- What you doin"?

- Oh, it'll have to come off.

- Sod off!

- All that foot needs
is a bit of fresh air,

get your shoes and socks off.

You've been doin' a lot
of walkin' haven't ya?

- Loads.

- Go on, get your feet in the water.

- It's cold!

- And you, go on.

What's up?

- All these fish'll be dead
when they smell his feet.

- What about yours?

- Hey, what you doin'?

- Just havin' a laugh.

- How do you fancy doin' a bit of work?

For a laugh.

What you doin"?

- Nothin".

- Exactly, I thought you were
gonna carry on with this?

- Well I couldn't do it
without you here, could 1?

- [Kidder] Why not?

- Don't be soft, it's a
two-handed saw, isn't it?

- Here.

Come on.

Right, pull.

Haven't you been pullin'?

- No, it's easier if I push.

- It's easier, course
it's easier if you push,

'cause I've been bloody pullin!

- All right, all right, don't shout at me,

I'm not a friggin' lumberjack!

- Come on!

Now, pull.

And pull.

And pull.

And pull.

And pull, that's it, good.

- What's up?

- It's not bad, this.

- What do you mean "Not bad,"
it's bleedin' brilliant.

- This tea is bleedin' brilliant.

- Oh!

- Are you gonna let us stay here or what?

- I've already said, haven't 1?

You can stay tonight and then-

- I mean all the time.

- Why do you need to stay here?

Eh?

Come on.

- We're orphans, there was
a big fire down our street,

both our mums and dads were k*lled,

we got nowhere to go.

- Come on, what you been up to?

- We robbed some money.

- It wasn't much and
he's broke his probation.

- Where did you rob the money from?

- From his old girl.

- You told me you had no mother.

Your own mothers not gonna
press charges, is she?

- Yeah, she hates him.

- Look, nobody'd know.

If we got caught,

we'd tell 'em that you
didn't know anythin',

we'd say we were only workin' here.

Go on, let us stay, don't be tight.

We could help ya.

- We'd behave ourselves, wouldn't we?

- Yeah.

- We'd be dead good, wouldn't we?

- You two?

"Be good?" You don't
know the bloody meaning

of the word, do ya?

- Yeah!

- Get in!

- [Kidder] All right
George, how's it goin"?

- Not so bad.

Just passin' by.

- [Kidder] Yeah?

- Aye. Didn't happen to bump
in to a couple Liverpool boys

that have been sniffin' round, have you?

- When did you see them?

- See them?

I tell you, they'll steal anything.

I'll tell you not one word of a lie,

these two, I saw 'em,
they came in the garden

and they stole the dishes
that Irene had washed.

What're they gonna do with
a pile of bloody dishes?

Eh?

It's beyond me.

I'll tell ya, if they'd steal dishes,

what wouldn't they bloody steal?

- Hold on there a minute will ya, George.

He's my bloody neighbour.

- What the frig are we gonna eat off now?

- Shut up.

- Billy, come here.

Billy.

They've just done it for
some lard, George, didn't ya?

Didn't ya?

I didn't realise they were yours.

What do you say to George?

Well?

- What?

- What do you say to George?

- Hello, George.

- Shut up!

- This is Billy, he's me
nephew, his mate, Icky.

They're stayin' with me for a while.

- Your nephew, eh?

Well let me know if you
have any problems with 'em,

if you do, I'll get my g*n
and sh**t the bloody pants off

both of 'em, won't I?

- You won't, you know!

- [George] Won't I now?

- Shut up.

- We'll see about that.

Well, I better off, better
nail these down, I think.

Ta-ra then.

- If you're stayin' here
for a while, there's rules

and you're gonna stick to 'em.

We'll start with washin'.

Get yourselves down to the
river, get those clothes off

and wash yourselves, completely.

Then wash the clothes.

- Come on.

- I don't know how long you
two of been in that gear

but the stink from the pair of ya

is beginnin' to get right up my nostrils.

- Cheeky git, I don't smell!

- Go on!

Billy?

The knife.

- What?

- Come on.

You don't need it, son.

- Can you play it?

- Sort of.

- You can have it if you
want, I never use it.

- What?

- 'Gis some more.

- Will you take it easy?

You'll be legless.

- [Icky] No way!

It's like water.

- Why do you have to see everything

as always the last you'll ever get of it?

- Might be, mighten it?

- There's plenty more, it's all right.

There's plenty,

you don't have to snaffle
it all up for yourself.

[Billy chuckles]

what's up with you?

- Nothin'.

- Come on, let us all in on the joke.

- [Billy] There is none.

- [Kidder] Come on.

- Look, I've told ya.

- What you laughin' at then?

- [Icky] He's just soft.

- What's the joke?

- There's no joke.

It's just.

It's just good, innit?

- Be better if there's a bleedin' telly.

What do you do every
night without a telly?

- Work, read, sing a song.

- Sing us a song.

- And have you two pissin'
yourselves laughin' at me?

- No we won't.

Go on, sing a song.

♪ The water is wide, I cannot get o'er ♪

♪ Neither have I wings to fly ♪

- You sound like an old man!
- It's an old song.

- [Icky] That's not singin'.

- Shut up!

Go on.

♪ Fetch me a boat that can carry two ♪

♪ And we both shall row, my love and I J ♪

♪ There is a ship and it sails the sea ♪

♪ Who's laid and deep, as deep can be ♪

♪ But no so deep as the love I'm in ♪

♪ 1 know not if I sink or swim ♪

♪ Now love and handsome and love is true ♪

♪ The finest jewel when first it is new ♪

♪ But love grows cold and it groweth old

♪ And it fades away like the morning dew ♪

♪ I lean my back up against an oak ♪

♪ Thinking it was a trusty tree ♪

♪ But first it bent and then it broke ♪

♪ And so did my false love to me ♪

- Crap!

That's not singin'!

- All right, you sing us one then.

- I will, I'm a great singer, me!

Could be famous, you know.

- [Kidder] Go on then,
go on, let's hear ya.

- [Icky] All right, you listen"?

You ready?

You listenin'?

- [Kidder] Yeah.

- Right.

[sings out of tune]

♪ Good morning, miss ♪

♪ Can I help you son ♪

♪ 16 today and I'm out for fun ♪

♪ I'm a big boy now or so they say ♪

♪ So if you serve, I'll be on my way ♪

♪ Box of balloons with
a feather-like touch ♪

♪ Party poppers that pop in the night ♪

♪ A toothbrush, hairspray, plastic grin ♪

♪ Miss Clay on all
corners just walked in ♪

♪ Welcome to the house of fun ♪

♪ Now I've come of age ♪

♪ Welcome to the house of fun ♪

♪ Welcome to the lions den ♪

- How is he?

- Look, show him.

- How's the ribs?

- All right.

- Can you breathe all right?

- Yeah.

- [Kidder] Could do ya summat?

- I'm starvin'.

- Right, we'll get ya some breakfast.

- Oh great, what we havin'?

- That's up to you, Icky
lad, you're cookin' it.

- Me?

I can't cook, I've never cooked.

- Well he can't in his state
and I did it yesterday,

SO now's about the
right time to learn, eh?

- What is there?

- For breakfast?

What's that there?

- What?

It's a chicken, isn't it?

- Right.

- Roast chicken for breakfast?

- Not chicken!

- What?

- What do you get from chickens?

- Food poisoning.
- Eggs!

Eggs, eggs!

- All right, all right, don't shout!

- He can't cook, yano.

- Well, he's never gonna
learn unless he tries, is he?

- No.

- I'm warnin' you, now listen bird,

either you tell us where the eggs are

or we will be havin' roast chicken.

- Oh listen, I want you
to do something for me.

- What?

- I want each of ya's
to write a letter home,

tell your parents you're okay.

- Look, there's no need.

- All right but will ya do it anyway?

Just to keep me happy.

- Well we can't

'cause they'll check the
postmark, won't they?

- Well George goes in to
Shrewsbury every now and then,

he could post 'em from there.

Will ya?

- If you want.

- That looks horrible.

Urgh!

- Mmm, mm!

- Get lost, no way!

- Here ya are.

- Do you mind knockin"?

Come in.

Ta.

- Thanks.

- It's all right, innit?

- Aye, it's all right.

[talk over one another]

- All right, all right.

Here ya, finishing touch.

This place be all right for ya then?

- [Icky] It'll do.

- [Billy] Yeah, it's great.

- [Kidder] You've not
written home yet, have ya?

- What?

- We've gotta write a letter home.

- Who's this?

- Uh, just someone I used to know.

- Oh, he looks soft.

- Yeah, I suppose he does.

Have you finished your letter?

- What?

No.

I'm just going to do it.

- You writin" another, Icky?

You've been doin' it for half an hour.

- Well?

- What's up?

- Nothin".

- What have you written?

- It's private.

- Let's have a look.

- I couldn't think what to put.

- Come here.

Come on.

It's all right.

Read me a bit of that.

- What?

Which bit?

- It don't matter, any bit.

- Leave him.

Give us that.

Just leave him, eh?

I'll do his readin' and writin' for him.

- Wouldn't he rather do his own?

- He can't.

He can't read.

They tried to teach him at
school but they couldn't do it.

And it doesn't matter
'cause I do it for him.

- [Kidder] Do ya?

- Yeah.

- What would you rather do, Icky?

Have Billy do your
readin' and writin' for ya

or do your own?

- Look, I've told ya-

- Just let him answer
for his self, will ya?

- 1 don't wanna do it, I hate readin".

- I'll teach ya.

- You can't, no one can.

They said at school, didn't they?

- Yeah.

- Forget school.

While you're here, why
don't you have a go?

- No.

- [Kidder] Just try.

- Just leave him alone.

- Look, no ones gonna laugh at ya,

there's only me and Billy here.

If you're stayin' here, you're
at least gonna try and learn.

I mean it.

- I don't wanna stay
here, it's bleedin' last,

I'm goin' home.

Are you comin'?

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

- You.

Why couldn't you just leave him alone?

You, you-

- You just listen to me
Mr. Billy bright spark!

If you think you're
gonna be livin' like this

in peace and bleedin' comfort
for the rest of your days,

you're daft, daft lad!

One day the coppers are gonna pick you off

and when they find ya,

they'll have you whisked away

before you can f*cking
whistle, Billy Risley.

You and him need every chance you can get

and if he can't read, it's
one less chance he's got.

Now if you're really his mate
just get yourself up there

and fetch him back.