05x01 - Dead Ringer

[bunniefuu]

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell,
but I've been seen with Farrah,

I've never been with anything less than a
nine, so fine, I've been on fire with

Sally Field, gone past with a girl named
Bo, but somehow they just don't end up as

mine, it's a bit defined life I lead,
I take my chances, I die for living in the

movies and TV, but the hardest thing I
ever do, is watch my leading ladies,

kiss some of the guy while I'm bandaging
my knee, they've

read for such a star, I've

never spent much time in school,
but I've taught ladies plenty,

it's true I hire my body out from bay,
hey, hey, I've gotten burned over Cheryl

Teague's blown up for right, I'm not Gil
Welch, but when I wind up in the hay,

it's only hay, hey, hey, I might jump an
open drawbridge, or Tarzan from,

it makes Eastwood look so fine.

And

now the stage is bare, and I'm standing
there with emptiness all around,

and if you won't come back to me...

And they can bring the curtain down.

Are you lonesome tonight?

Do you miss me tonight?

Are you sorry we drifted apart?

Does your memory stray to a brighter
summer day?

When I kissed you and call you sweetheart

Do the chairs in your hallway seem empty
and bare Do you gaze at your doorstep and

picture me there Is your heart filled with
pain?

Shall I call?

Tell me, dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Tom, what are you doing here?

Hey, is that the best you can do for an
old cellmate, huh?

Tom, how are you?

Terrific, man.

I want you to meet my boss, Mr. Sidney.

He's got a real sweet business proposition
for you.

I'm told that you have a, uh, uncanny
skill as a forger, Mr. Purcell.

The only thing I forge anymore is Elvis,
and that's on stage, and that's legal.

Maybe I can lure you out of retirement.

I'll give you $75,000 to
write out a three -page will in

the same handwriting as a
sample that I'll supply you with.

Look, I just finished my parole.

I'm clean now.

I don't ever want to do this.

Hey, buddy, you make me look bad,
man.

Sorry.

Listen, there's nothing to apologize
about.

This kid has got a bright future ahead of
him.

I mean, why blow it all on a crapshoot?

In fact, Claude, I would
like you to be my special

guest at a little dinner
party I'm having tonight.

There's gonna be lots of Hollywood
producers and directors there.

It's not gonna change my mind,
you know.

This is the last you'll ever hear of it.

You just leave the address on the table.

I'm sure once we frame him, he'll be a lot
more cooperative.

You got it.

Claude, you look perfect.

Can't I feel ridiculous?

Look, Claude, you haven't had a skip in
months.

The stunt business isn't shaking any.

You said you'd do anything for a job.

And besides, I sent resumes out to over 40
bail bondsmen.

The least we can do is try to make a good
impression on the one response that we got.

Yeah, but this Sperling's got a reputation
for eating bounty hunters alive.

Word is, he lost his best
man in the field and he's

looking for somebody who's
trained in jungle warfare.

What happened to the last guy?

Well, I'd rather not repeat that story
because I'm sure it's exaggerated.

What?

Nobody could possibly have that many
stitches.

Well, how?

Maybe I could rent out the house and live
in a trailer.

Too late.

That's probably Sperling.

Oh.

Are you the man?

The mozo I'm supposed to interview?

Who are you?

Pearl Sperling.

I haven't got all day.

Are you Colt Seavers?

Uh, that's right.

I just drove halfway across the city.

You better be worth the trip.

Nobody told us you
were a... Little old lady?

Don't let this disguise fool you,
honey.

Under all this makeup, I'm Raquel Welch.

Hmm.

Look, Miss Sperling, Colt Seavers is the
best bounty hunter there is.

I'll be the judge of that, sonny.

This is my associates, Howie Munson...

Thanks.

I don't want to hire a team.

I'm looking for one good man.

Aren't we all?

What'd you do that for?

What's the matter?

You got something against exercise?

You better shape up if you're gonna work
for me.

What are you buying, a bounty hunter or a
racehorse?

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.

My back is up against the wall.

My last guy wound up looking like a
bargain cut in a butcher's meat case.

I need you, Seavers.

Well, it depends on the job and it depends
on the bucks.

Well, I better start you off on an easy
one.

All you gotta do is go to the
Brockmore Hotel in Vegas

and pick up an ex-con by
the name of Claude Purcell.

He's an expert forger.

He skipped after he was busted for
burglary.

He claims he was framed, but I don't
believe it.

I had to put up an arm and a leg to get
him out on bail.

And I want my money back.

You got a picture?

No, but that's the beauty part of it.

This Purcell is an up-and-coming Elvis
Presley impersonator.

He skipped to do a gig at that hotel.

That sure makes it easy for us.

All we've got to do is find the guy in the
blue sweatshirt.

What about the money?

Well, you just happened to catch me at a
very charitable time.

Five G's.

Seventy-five.

Four, five and sinking.

That's not negotiating.

Whatever happened to give and take?

You give, I take.

All right, five thousand.

I'm telling you.

Three or four pounds.

You'd never miss it.

Trust me.

Colt, this is so easy, I almost feel
guilty about taking Pearl's money.

Oh, yeah.

How can you take advantage of a helpless
little old lady like that?

Don't get too c*ck.

We haven't found our skip yet.

All right, Colt.

How many Elvis impersonators could there
be in one hotel?

I don't believe it.

There he is.

All right, Purcell.

Kid, I think you better let him go.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

We thought you were somebody else.

Oh, don't look now.

Oh, my God.

There must be fifty of them.

Wow, look at him.

I never saw so many Elvis clones in my
life.

Are you still going to feel guilty about
taking Pearl's money?

Hey, Colt.

Colt Sleavers.

Hey, Mickey.

How are you doing?

Oh, I'm just putting along.

I haven't seen you since we shot that film
in Oklahoma.

Right.

Yeah.

Oh, these are my friends, Jody and Howie,
Mickey Gilly.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Yeah, we're big fans of yours,
Mr. Gilly.

It's Mickey.

Hey, you all be sure and come to the Elvis
contest.

I'll leave tickets for you at the door.

You mean you're involved in all this?

Oh, I'm the host.

You ought to hear these guys.

They're incredible.

You couldn't check your roster for a
contestant named Purcell, could you?

I got it right here.

Oh, great.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

No, no Purcell.

Oh, well, thanks anyway, Mick.

Well, I got to run.

It's past medium.

Yeah, see you later.

Well, I guess there's
some comfort in knowing

that things couldn't
possibly get any worse.

Oh, no.

I think we just hit rock bottom.

Hi, Ferrell.

Well, you never said you were going to be
in Las Vegas, too.

Just wanted to see my new bounty hunter in
action.

So far, it's about as exciting as watching
a movie.

Yeah, well, you never
said there were going to be


look like Elvis Presley.

Not to worry.

Purcell has an identifying tattoo on his
upper right arm.

The initial's TCB.

Oh, yeah, TCB.

Those were Elvis's pet initials.

You know, taking care of business.

Hey, do you still have that necklace Elvis
gave you on his life picture?

Yeah, I got it right here.

The man had a big heart.

And you've got a big job.

Better get moving.

Now, watch the free booze here.

Nobody drinks on my time.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go hit
the tables.

Yeah.

I'd like to hit her.

Yeah.

Guess we're going to split up,
sniff us out a tattoo.

Well, how are we going to find a tattoo
with all those guys with their shirts on?

Use your imagination.

Yeah.

Oh,

you guys must be in the Elvis contest,
huh?

You must be in the Bo Derek contest.

You know, I'm the world's biggest Elvis
fan.

And I think what you boys are doing just
helps keep the King's memory alive.

That's exactly the way I feel about it.

Okay.

I'm Kyle Hooper.

Jodi Banks.

You know, what I really got a big kick out
of was the way Elvis used to roll his

shirt sleeves up over his big muscles,
just like in blue Hawaii.

You know, just like this.

Okay.

Attention, contestants holding new entry
forms, please report to the lobby.

Oh.

What about you?

What's your name?

Dugan.

Neil Dugan.

Do it for me.

Roll up your sleeves.

Oh, sure.

Ooh.

You have some really nice muscles.

I bet you work out a lot.

Oh, a little bit.

Oh, modest.

Just like Elvis.

And just as cute.

Well, thank you.

You're pretty cute yourself, Jodi.

Thank you.

Attention, contestants holding green entry
forms, please report to the lobby.

That's my call.

Oh.

Listen.

Oh.

What do you say we meet for the hotel in
about one hour?

We could go have drinks or something?

Sure.

Sure, I'd like that.

One hour.

Okay.

One hour.

Don't forget.

Hanser, you were right.

He was sure that you had skipped out to
make it to this contest.

You guys framed me.

You planted those stolen things in my car
because I wouldn't do your forgery.

You're damn right we set you up.

And we're the only ones who can make it
right for you.

All Mr. Sidley here has to do is tell the
DA the truth.

That you spent time at his party last
night.

You have an ironclad alibi.

Only I get this strong feeling you still
want something in return.

Well, I do need that will forged,
Purcell.

Just play along, Claude.

Or you go back to where we first met.

And this time, you don't get a chance to
say no.

Halt.

That's him.

That's Purcell.

Come on.

That's another little detail at Purcell.

The girl forgot to mention.

Who the hell's that?

Looks like Purcell's got himself a friend.

Whoever these guys are, they're playing
for keeps.

This could get nasty.

Catch it, you idiot.

Talk

about crashing a wedding.

Sorry, Elvis.

End of the road.

Officer, the courts are taking you back to
L.A.

I tell you, I'm innocent.

Those guys that were
chasing me, they framed

me because I wouldn't
forge a will for them.

Save it for the judge, Claude.

It's the truth.

You gotta believe me.

Come on, let's hear him out.

Why don't we not?

Why didn't you just call the cops?

I did, but they don't believe me because
I'm an ex-con.

And they're not gonna believe me until I
got something more to go on.

I don't even know whose will these guys
want me to forge.

I see your problem.

Kid, whose side are you on?

Look, look, just let me finish the
competition.

That's what got me through Purcell.

It's a chance for me to
be somebody, to show

my stuff and to prove
that I can go straight.

That doesn't seem unreasonable.

Don't believe it, Jody.

Anyone who'd run out on me is a no-good
bum.

Pearl, I was gonna come back just as soon
as I'd won.

Look, I'll make you a deal.

No deal.

Just hear me out.

The purse is $50,000.

I don't want the money.

You can have it all.

You heard her.

No deal.

I can speak for myself.

Deal.

Pearl, what are you doing?

Colt, you have to have faith in people.

Faith?

A second ago you said he was a no-good
bum.

Don't worry, Colt.

I'll cut you in.

Say, another $10,000?

How do you know?

He'll even win.

I don't.

But either way, I won't lose.

Look, forget it.

Just give me the five we agreed upon and
say goodbye.

Honey, if you won't look after your better
interest, then I'll have to.

It's either $15,000 or you get zipped.

And better keep a good eye on Claude,
too.

I still don't trust him.

Pearl...

Well, to have you guys turned
out to be... Aw, come on, Colt.

We won't let him out of our sight.

But how are we going to keep an eye on
Claude while he's competing?

Especially with those guys trying to grab
him.

There's only one way I know.

You are going to have to blend in with the
scenery.

What do you think?

She's like a king, huh?

Sparrows.

You look terrific, kid.

Just remember, don't get carried away.

No singing.

Yeah, a lot of innocent people could get
hurt.

Well, that's very funny.

What are you going to be doing?

I figure the only way
to take the heat off

of us is to nail the guys
that framed Claude.

Pearl found out where one of them is
staying.

I'm going to tail him to see if we can get
the goods to bust him.

What about me?

You stay with the king here.

Make sure he doesn't get near a
microphone.

Hey, look.

Are you sure you placed that bug okay?

Yeah, I put it under the dash.

Under the dash?

What if they turn the radio on?

You know, Pearl, I had this handled.

You didn't have to come along.

Are you kidding?

This car is leased under my name.

You think I'd trust you with it alone?

Well, we're going to tail him.

We're going to just sit here.

Let's get with it.

I'm going.

I'm going.

Hey, can I come up?

I'd like to see the penthouse.

No.

Stay here.

Powell don't like visitors.

Sidley must be working for Powell.

Powell is big league.

You know him?

He owns this hotel.

We'll never make it up to the penthouse.

Security's real tight.

Well, there's one way.

If I can rent a room...
Under their floor, huh?

You sit tight.

We ran a make on the truck that took us
out.

It belongs to some bounty hunter from L.A.

I think they got Purcell.

Sidley, I told you, I need a hand-written
will.

One that's a perfect fortune.

Or my uncle's estate goes to some idiotic
foundation.

I know that.

We'll get another fortune.

No, I need that will within 24 hours.

Look, my uncle's partners are coming to
town.

If they see him like this, they'll insist
he be taken to a hospital.

And the doctors will know right away we
induced this coma with drugs.

Well, then can't
you stall the... No.

You get back to that competition.

And you see if Purcell is there,
if he is, you bring him to my house.

Remember, Sidley, there's a half a million
dollars in this for you.

I haven't forgotten, okay?

It's time for his medication.

Okay.

Hi, girls.

Colt?

Is that you?

David Garadine.

I was just taking a few laps, you know,
trying to stay in shape.

Let me know if you want me to double you
on your next picture, okay?

Okay?

Bye, girls.

A likely story.

I hope she's worth it.

Should we use your real name?

Fine, there's really no reason to hide
now.

Okay, get ready.

I want to thank you guys for sticking up
for me all I need is a chance.

Hey, it was the least we could do,
especially after I tricked you.

Hey, look.

It's those guys again.

Oh, we gotta get you out of here.

No, I gotta go on.

No, it's not worth risking your neck over.

I'll decoy him.

Get him out of here, Jody.

Bob Purcell!

He stinks.

It's not Purcell.

We heard him.

I want the glass.

Come on, come on, come on, come on...

Colin, this is my dream.

I've gotta get back in there and perform.

I know, I know, but listen, until Colt comes
back, I'd love to keep you alive, okay?

Come on.

If they disqualify me, it's all over.

Everything.

Look, Ricky Gilley is a personal friend of
Colt's, okay?

He'll fix it.

Now let's go.

Sorry, buddy.

This time you're coming with us.

Let's go.

Leave her here.

Uh-uh.

She's my insurance.

Don't try it, Blondie!

Come on, let's go.

You weren't arrested.

Arrested?

I could have been k*lled.

Big deal.

I could have been out in my bail.

Hey, look.

Hey, they got Jody and Claude.

Well, what are we waiting for,
Dodo?

Hang on.

We're being followed.

Lose them.

Hide

down the pianos better.

Would you relax?

Nothing's gonna happen.

This is so bizarre, it's almost funny.

My uncle's will being forged by a guy you
know.

Who thinks he's Elvis.

There it is, letter perfect.

Now will you let us go?

Not until I have it witnessed and
notarized.

Let's go.

We'll call you when we're through.

You know what to do.

Tie him up.

Once a con, always a con.

I don't know who I was kidding.

Once you're in this game, they'll never
let you out of it.

I don't believe that any more than you do,
Claude.

We're gonna get out of here and that game
is gonna be over.

Don't give me that gee-I-don't-know
malarkey.

I've got enough dirt on you to fill in the
Grand Canyon.

Sure.

Call me right back at the Brockmore Hotel
in room 923.

Mama loves you, baby.

You guys are really something.

I could have done better if I'd have hired
a Cub Scout troop.

We'll know what Alan Powell's address is
just as soon as Jocko calls back.

Are you sure that's where they were gonna
forge the will?

There's no question about it.

They say Thurston Powell's worth over a
hundred million dollars.

He's one of the biggest casino and hotel
owners in Vegas.

It's no wonder the nephew wants to write
the will.

I just hope they haven't hurt Jody or
Purcell.

Pearl?



Where are you going?

I'm gonna get me besides them to help me
keep you out of trouble.

Just like she's been doing.

The police will be here any minute.

Fill them in on what's happening.

Tell them to meet us at Powell's.

All right, Colt.

I'll come with the police.

Well, howdy, Howie.

You haven't by any chance seen Neil,
do you?

I mean, Claude.

Well, Colt's forced to be bringing him
back to the hotel right now.

Well, I'll tell you what.

The judges are getting a little
suspicious.

There's a publicity session at the front
entrance in five minutes.

If we're short on Elvis, he could be
disqualified.

Well, I guess I could wait for the police
downstairs.

Police?

I'll explain everything when I finish
dressing.

Well, you need another Elvis, don't you?

I like

the guy in the black and silver.

Yeah.

Ooh, the guy in the orange isn't bad
either.

Well, remember, we are meeting the guys
here in a few minutes.

I know.

Can't a girl do a little window shopping?

All right, boys.

Thank you very much.

Hope you have a good time.

Enjoy.

All right.

Police.

Finally.

Fellas.

Fellas.

Am I glad to see you.

My friend's the one who called you.

Well, you're supposed to be.

Oh, I'm just dressed like Elvis to fill in
for the real Elvis impersonator,

who right this minute is forging Thurston
Powell's will.

You want to run that by us again,
Elvis?

Well, you see, Thurston Powell is in a
drug-induced coma.

Because his nephew wants to take over his
estate.

Yeah, right.

No, no, this is for real.

My friend crawled up onto the balcony of
the penthouse.

He looked in through the window.

He's a stuntman.

And a peeping Tom, right?

So who are these guys you're supposed to
be meeting?

They, uh, boyfriends or what?

More like what?

Actually, they're three minutes late
already.

Guys, you gotta believe me.

My friend Jody's life may be in danger.

Really, please, trust me.

You be sure and say hi to Colonel Parker
for us, will you, Elvis?

No, but, but officer!

Officer!

Right this way, Linda.

Hey, I need your help.

One of your fellow competitors has been
kidnapped with my friend Jody.

I need to borrow your car.

Wait a minute.

You don't mean the cream puffs.

This car's my baby.

We're talking pride and joy here.

I'm talking life and death, right?

Where are you going, Linda?

I'll be right back.

Hey, look out.

Come on!

Those guys are asking for it!

Man, if anything happens to this car,
you're gonna be in a world of hurt.

Don't worry.

I'm a stuntman.

Yeah, and I'm Elvis Presley.

I'm gonna hammer those guys right back to
the fifties.

Who are those guys?

The guy driving's my boyfriend.

Oh, terrific.

If they stop us, I'll never get there in
time.

We're gonna have to lose him.

Just what Elvis would've done.

Now

we got the police after us.

Police should've been here by now.

I'm not waiting any longer.

That's what I've been waiting to hear.

Let's go.

No, no.

You stay here.

I'm not about to risk one more life.

I'm touched.

But I also pack a piece, and I can use it.

No g*ns and no you.

Hey, now that was great driving.

We're running out of gas.

I'll never get there in time.

What are you doing here?

I told you to wait in the truck.

Listen, honey, let's not forget who's
working for who.

All right, come on.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Right.

Well, seems like you've made us all very
rich men.

In fact, the only thing we won't be able
to afford...

are witnesses.

Colt, thank God you got here.

They were gonna k*ll us.

Colt!

I'm the one you should be thanking.

Officer, I tell you, these people have
forged Thurston Powell's will.

Sure.

You know all about it.

Powell was in a drug-induced coma,
right?

And, uh, his nephew planned the whole
thing.

That's right.

How did you know?

Hey, a little birdie told me.

I suppose you're the guy that climbed up
on Powell's balcony.

Right.

You gotta do something.

I'm going to.

I'm hanging up.

Howie must have had problems with the
police.

They won't even help.

Send a boy to do a man's job.

I'm worried about Powell.

Now that the nephew
has the will, I'm afraid

he and Sidney will
try to k*ll the old man.

We gotta get him out of there.

Count me out.

I'm coming with you.

Count me in.

Yeah, hello.

Oh, Colt, it's me.

Boy, am I glad you're okay.

Well, we're not as okay as we'd like to
be, but what happened to you?

Well, it's a long story.

I'm, uh, I'm here with one of the
contestants.

We had a little car trouble.

Tell me about it later.

Right now, get another contestant,
meet me at the Nile Hotel.

I need you guys.

All of us?

What for?

We're gonna get Powell's uncle to a
hospital.

I need to divert security in the penthouse
so we can sneak him out.

You are my diversion.

And bring your guitars.

What do you guys think?

Can you make it up there?

Sure is an awful long way.

I've had a lot of time to work out in
jail.

This is a snap.

I'm worried about Pearl and her Elvises.

I mean, if they don't keep security busy
while we're wheeling out Powell,

we've had it.

Yeah, well, I try not to think about that.

Come on, let's go.

Oh.

Excellent.

I especially like this part.

And to my devoted nephew, Alan,
I leave the remainder of my estate.

Now,

what about my half a million?

As soon as I get my inheritance,
you get your money.

Michael's partners will be here soon,
Sidley.

I think it's time Uncle Thurston met his
maker.

Look, are you sure this is not gonna look
suspicious?

This'll cause a heart attack.

And it'll never be detected in an autopsy.

Powell's still alive, but not for long.

If our diversion doesn't get here quick,
we go in swinging.

Paul, Thurston, Powell, bub, we're in a
hurry.

Well, who are you?

Who are we?

Where are you from?

We're Elvis.

Mr. Powell has to pick one of us to open
the main room next week.

Sit up, boys.

Hey!

Hey, wait a minute.

Looks like we have to move.

Wait.

Yes?

I think you better get out here.

We got some trouble.

What are you talking about?

Elvis Presley.

Three of them.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Let's get him out of here quick.

What about the wires?

Disconnect them.

It can't do him any worse.

What the hell is going on?

They won't leave.

Not until we audition for Mr. Powell.

He can't.

He's sick.

It's impossible.

Well, then you pick one of us.

One, two, three, four.

We're caught in a trap.

Oh, oh, oh.

We're caught in a trap.

We're caught in a trap.

Oh, oh, oh.

I can walk out.

Oh, oh, oh.

Because I'm... Stop.

Stop.

Get him out of here.

Throw him out.

All right.

Let's move.

Come on, you guys.

Let's go.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Get him!

Good.

I'll take that.

That's good.

Let's go.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Well, we call it a day.

I'm grateful for.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next were sure
to be Mr.sten men for years.

And if issues show up.

This is a.

The second mix up for.

Today.

He's a great Group.

He's a great entertainer.

But we're sorry he's all the competition.

he's.

Mickey.

Mickey white is here.

Looks like a retread.

I'm sure that I have to be able to...

Ladies and gentlemen, would you make
welcome Mr. laptops?

Well, the itself!

Would you?

Make a leg here.

This one's... this one's for the king.

Here we go now!

I sat down and I left the keys with my
coat.

I hitchhiked all the way down to Memphis.

Got a room at the YMCA.

For the next three
weeks I went a-hauntin'

them nightclubs lookin'
for a place to play.

I thought my pick would set them on fire,
but no I don't.

Well, I did about some of that down in
Memphis.

I run out of money, I run out of money,
look.

So I bought me a ride down to Macon,
down to Panama City.

Started checkin' out some of them all
-night bars.

Oh, and I could make myself a dog by
makin' music on my guitar.

I got the same old story from all my
peers.

There ain't no room around here for a
guitar man.

We don't need a guitar man, son.

So I slept in a Hobo Jones.

I rode a thousand miles to track.

Till I found myself in old, real Alabama.

Had a cook they called Dave Jackson.

And the four of his fam was jammin'.

So I took my guitar and I sat in.

I showed them what a band sounded like.

Well, swing a little guitar, man.

So, so now the

club called Jackson.

He got a lot of time to keep out on his
dance floor.

Diggin' the finest little five-piece group
up and down the coast of Mexico.

And guess who's leadin' that five-piece
band?

Oh, wouldn't you know it?

It's that swing a little guitar.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Don't worry, it is.

Nothing's too good for the world's best
Elvis.

Yeah, here's to the guy who proved he
could go straight.

Hold on, hold on now.

This sounds like a eulogy.

To Claude.

Right.

Expectin' anybody?

Hey, Mickey, come here and have some
bubbly.

Hello, Colt.

Come to see your new opening act?

No, actually, I came to see you.

Me?

Yeah, since you made quite an impression
with your Elvis act.

Yeah?

Well, I thought so.

You're joking.

No, the promoters want to have Howie back
next year.

No kidding.

Colt, did you hear that?

I told you, I have charisma.

You inspired him to start a whole new
category.

I don't believe it.

Look who's laughin' last.

What's the new category?

The world's worst Elvis impersonator.

Now I'm laughin'.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!