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04x11 - No Laughing Matter

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Small Wonder". Aired: September 7, 1985 – May 20, 1989.*
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Chronicles the family of a robotics engineer who secretly creates a robot modeled after a human girl, then tries to pass it off as their adopted daughter, Vicki.

04x11 - No Laughing Matter

Post by bunniefuu »

[Music]

it's coming Vicky some of them Oh Jen oh

good would you put them on the plate

please on that plate

[Music]

thanks Becky morning homework you gave

out who's got time to eat mom you're

just a substitute teacher

you gave up more homework than the

regular teacher well you wouldn't learn

don't you sure but I'd like to leave a

little something for college

martignoni morning good morning come on

it's a great morning what's so great

about it mom didn't give him any

homework at 3 o'clock this morning I

came up with an idea for a fantastic new

project at United robotronic and when I

tell mr. Jennings about it he'll

probably promote me what's the process

it's a new robotic arm that will turn

hospital patients over in their beds

more easily and safely really wasn't

what I thought it was a dream last night

when you kept on flipping me over what

was that that was me

[Music]

humming Rumble like that before

Johnny robots don't have a tummy she has

a titanium poly nucleotide processor

that turns food into energy well maybe

it'll stabilize itself I'll check her

out tonight anyway I just want to get to

work right now oh honey have some

breakfast first

they give me pancakes all right I'll

have just a couple Vicky's a couple of

pancakes coming up

you know I think the best thing to do is

where's Jamie

hey Jamie I gotta talk to you it's very

important

sure is what's up that was me Nikki took

too many of those time-release vitamins

and they all went off at once so what's

so important well he's gotta do

something about your mom the homeworks

k*lling us yeah me too you know she's

turning into a real battle axe I tried

to talk to her about it last night yeah

what'd she say the key words were fail

grounded and no allowance toes that what

matters in her and we're not going to

take it anymore

well we're behind you all the way right

Vicky

[Music]

before we get started I wouldn't remind

everybody that we've got a big test

coming up from Friday and I want you to

Reggie do you have something that you'd

like to share with the class yes Reggie

uh well uh you tell Jamie yes Jamie you

tell her Vicki your real battle axe what

we're madder than heck and we're not

going to take it anymore

yeah what are you all so mad about the

key word is homework yeah I take it that

you feel that I give you too much

homework

is that it yeah if you all want to do

well in school right and you want to get

good grades on your tests right right so

you understand why I have to give you so

much homework right

I'm sorry but that's the way that it's

gotta be yes Reggie but why miss Lawson

schools supposed to be fun and I just

worked one of us was a teacher it'd be a

lot different and I suppose that all of

you agree with that

that's a yes that's an interesting idea

tell you what how would one of you like

to be the teacher for the rest of the

week yes Reggie say what let's try a

little experiment here you collect one

of the students to teach the class and

we'll see how it turns out the

attendance office and I'll do it now and

you can decide who your new teacher is

going to be think I've died and gone to

heaven

I think we should choose a person for a

new teacher who knows how to party and

his real goof off I agree how's that you

morning miss grim mr. Jennings how did

the budget meeting go terrible just

terrible I'm afraid our company is

losing a fortune why we can't even

afford the red ink we need yes these are

the important ones that need to be

answered immediately these can wait till

later

I'll take these I have a lot of thinking

to do miss Grimm see that I'm not

disturbed

yes mr. J hi there mr. Grimm and how is

my favorite executive secretary this

fine day

[Laughter]

listen I just saw mr. Jenny's come in

and I really need to talk to him is this

important or can it wait to leave it

it's very important then forget me you

don't understand I have this great new

project that I know he's gonna want to

hear about you'll have to make an

appointment Dawson miss Graham I really

need to see him right now I'm sure he'd

want me to you think you can fool me

with a simple head fake miss Graham I'm

going in there oh you're dead body

[Music]

man Viki being a teacher is gonna be a

ball grumblings gone but now you got the

hiccups

[Music]

she asked where I am ty ran out to join

the circus they need someone to sh**t

out of the cannon

[Music]

I heard that Jamie's going to be the

teacher in his class so I brought him an

apple you know Apple polisher you've got

a bad case of the hiccups but I know how

to get rid of them now take a deep

breath hold it hold it

now blow it out real hard

[Applause]

what happened mr. Jennings I didn't see

him I had to leave the idea for my

proposal on his desk I'm sure so to see

reason to love it

dinners in the oven mom honey I don't

think it matters whether mr. Jenny's

loves it or not why not cuz rumors are

flying all over at the plant that United

robotronic is in bad financial trouble

how bad the worst if you mean you could

lose your job

right then what do I do I heard the

circus needs someone to sh**t out of the

cannon

[Music]

why don't you quiet down your class so

you can teach teacher

[Music]

okay class we will now discuss the

heroes of the Revolutionary w*r

whose dead I have not yet begun to fight

Reggie the man that said I have not yet

begun to fight but Sylvester Stallone in

Rocky Ford oh gee that's ridiculous

it certainly is everyone knows it was

Rocky free what historical relic is

known as Old Ironsides mrs. Lawson

Jamie you've been teaching for a whole

week now when are you planning on giving

the test what do they need a test for

there's no that's the only way that they

can prove that they've learned anything

I've got a better idea why we just take

their word for it well I'm afraid that

the principal insists upon a test and

there's no way around it Mickey

excuse me can you please pack up these

test papers I'll correct and drain my

lunch hour

sure mom all right you can turn off your

test papers now and look at your grades

[Music]

the teacher I'm afraid you all got is it

said me I got the Czar's one smart aleck

who runs the curve

now that's really a shame it's gonna

ruin all of your good averages mrs.

Boston you know I never say anything bad

about anybody and I'd never get anyone

in trouble did you think well true but

it's all of your faults - you wanted a

teacher that would let you goof off

right I hope you realize now that if

teachers aren't demanding students won't

learn anything mrs. Lawson

I can't I deserve to fail the test but

couldn't you get the rest of the class a

chance to take it over please oh yeah

okay

let's open our books and we'll start our

review and I'm sure you all want include

Jamie in on the makeup test - right

hi honey oh did you get a chance to talk

to mr. Jennings about your company's

financial troubles yeah I talked to him

oh that's good no that's bad he said he

wouldn't talk to me well that's bad no

it's good I got through another day

without being fired that's good no

that's bad mr. Jennings said he's coming

over here after work to talk to me

obviously he wants to fire me without

embarrassing me in front of all the

other employees just in front of my

family

dad Vicky's hiccups are driving me crazy

crazy there's something you can do all

right I'll have another look at her turn

around Vickie it's got to be something

in her vocal tract synthesis

maybe fluctuations in the RPG I don't

know

she sounds like she's from elite

nitrous-oxide see her poly nucleotide

processor produces nitrogen as a

byproduct of what she eats and that

combined with their oxygen intake

produces nitrous oxide you might laugh

yourself to death it's what dentists use

it's commonly called laughing gas well

that seems to be the last of it will she

do it again well not if we don't feed

her so until I can fix her properly

nobody in the family give her anything

to eat I mean even one little bite could

start this up again

so nobody bite me you must be mr.

Channing's I'll get us well hello John

oh please come on in

thank you it's so nice to have you in

our home again mr. Jennings you remember

our children our Jamie and the Vickie

children mr. Jennings that would would

you care for something to eat or drink a

cold drink would be very nice thank you

Joe

Jamie some cold drinks please sure Vicki

some cold drinks please sure take some

cold drinks please just go Vicki mr.

Jennings won't you please sit down here

thank you

I'll get right to the point I guess

you've heard that things are not going

very well for us down at the company no

no no well it's a shame it's come to

this I remember very well 25 years ago

when I first got the idea to form United

robotronic I was working in my father's

garage there was a young mechanic

working with me named

Felton Menshikov right hey have I told

you this before no notes like you guess

got a polite game Jamie didn't help so I

made him some apple pie I hope you like

it

it's food he'll like it I brought these

for you to Vicki taste it tell me what

you think I'm not supposed to eat dad

said nobody in the family should feed me

I'm not family - I'm Aaron Jamie so it's

okay just your face stuff my face

I've ever tasted

it's like everything else I'm very

insulted and I made my big decision I

borrowed some money I remember very well

it was ten thousand dollars and you

started United robotronic

and the rest is history

Thank You Vicki hey do you uh you hear a

hissing sound a hissing oh yeah yeah you

see we're having a little problem with

our condition tried lucky yes

why don't you take Vicky into your room

and finish your homework mom come on

Vicky all homework can wait what I have

to say the whole family should hear

Vicky come over here and sit next to me

no sir no sir I think that homework is

much more important would only take a

minute

sit right here baby

as I said United robotronic is facing

the worst crisis in its history yes sir

I know one and that's terrible

I read your idea for robotic arms to

turn Hospital patients in their bed it's

too late for that right no it's

brilliant it's going to save the company

and your job does that mean I get a

promotion and a raise

No

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]