04x10 - Mommie Dearest

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

Washington speaking

oh hi how about that Vicky big deal oh

yeah let's see you do a wiseguy I only

need one

any questions yeah how would you like to

be rewired as a blender

well forget it for Harriet they're

having tryouts for the cheerleading

squad at school wine easy the chair made

up no okay why do you want to be a

cheerleader

lots fun and it pal around together and

they even have slumber parties beats

insecure leaders homes slumber party you

mean all those great-looking girls run

around the house in their pajamas uh-huh

Vicki you're gonna try out for a

cheerleader Yahoo it's Ida Mae your

favorite neighbor right and Poison Ivy's

my favorite plant

Oh wonderful to see me I know every

morning when I get up and look in the

mirror I get little goosebumps I can

understand that

as my dear friend Clint Eastwood always

says to me item a you make my day you

really know him I'm the one who gave him

the name Dirty Harry you'll excuse me

I'm a I've want to finish making these

orders all playing Betty Crocker build

dependable little housewife I don't know

I just think a wife should do nice

things for her husband that's what Phil

used to say Oh who's Phil my second

husband or was he my third oh it's just

a blur of honeymoons never tell me we're

married before

what's to tell those men were all

animals they expected me to be a sl*ve

just like you I'm just making some

snacks my father's coming to visit us

how sweet in a diabetic sort of way

is your mother coming too no Maya

there's a widower

I favor seen him over a year but I can

understand that

who'd want to spend a vacation watching

you slice cheese

here we are dad

welcome to my home sweet mortgage say

there's my darling little granddaughter

hi honey hi come on over here Vickie and

give your grandpa a great big hug a

great big hug

stop Vicki that's big enough oh oh I

keep forgetting she's really a robot Oh

what strength I can crack walnuts

between my toes look at you I'm growing

like a weed and so handsome yeah

and Vicki you're growing like like an

erector set

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Oh how's my beautiful daughter Oh who's

this oh this is our neighbor's sister

item a Brenda litem a this is Joan's

father dr. Jim Anderson always a

pleasure to meet a charming lady oh yeah

well if you're trying to make a pass

buster you can just did he's a doctor

oh nice doctors do very well don't think

well hi goodbye kitchen and finish

making those hors d'oeuvres please sure

mom

come on erector set okay we'd item a

listen if you don't mind dad's had a

long flight and I'm sure he'd like to

relax oh I don't mind at all come on

good to have you here wonderful well

thank you I feel wonderful that's

because I exercise eat properly and

never go near a doctor

well I haven't been feeling so well

myself it's such a comfort knowing

there's a doctor right next door who can

check my heart

hummingbirds wings

how's the doctor business you keeping

him in stitches

I heard the funniest story the other day

from my dear friend Jonas Salk Jonas

Salk

you mean dr. Salk you know him well ever

since he was a skinny little kid with

acne you know I couldn't have been more

surprised when he invented a cure for

polio I thought it would be for pimples

tell you about Jonas well I like to hear

them sometime what about tonight over

dinner well I well I

Joanie you didn't tell me your daddy was

such a fast worker bye Jimbo

listen today we're really sorry about

you know you don't have to go out with

her tonight well I wouldn't want to be

rude I mean she's your friend and

neighbor besides it's only dinner I mean

what harm can come from grabbing a quick

bite

remember jaws

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poor dad he must be having a miserable

time with item a hi oh you're home early

couldn't wait to get rid of item a huh

we should have told you about her oh oh

yes you should have I mean what an

interesting woman she knows everyone did

you know that item a was the one who

talked Sylvester Stallone into being an

actor before he met her it was going to

be a speech therapist

and there's a lot you don't know about

item a oh I'm sure maybe I'll find out

some of her tomorrow night we're going

dancing

she said she'd show me some of the steps

she taught Michael Jackson oh I'm bad

real bad

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there's Debbie Barnhill man she is so so

I can't find the word which I developed

I'd sure like ask her out but she only

dates ninth grade hunks and you're an

eighth grade clunk

oh yeah catch this action Debbie Jamie

Lawson I sit next to announce

I understand completely you don't want

it to look too obvious that you like me

okay with a spoon

well I tried well you bombs

it is mr. Brian some yo-yo must be in

trouble

Amy I want to talk to you

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Jamie I'm sure you aware of the

cheerleading tryouts we're having here

on Friday yes sir

Vlad decided to use student judges from

the three grades and you've been chosen

to represent the eighth grade because

I'm so popular no I pulled your name out

of the hat looks that way Debbie like

awesome you know I just run out for

cheerleader really yeah like want to

share my lunch like sure like gag me

with a spoon

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hi oh hi is my Jimbo here

no Jimbo is playing golf Oh Ted oh

that's the third time this week oh he

won't have time for foolish games like

that afterwards afterwards after we're

married married did my father ask you to

marry a my MA well no but he will

and please forget the item a you can

call me Mommy Dearest

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you see what you made me do Joan how do

you practice golf at a time like this

item 18 she's gonna marry my father Joan

what item eight thinks isn't important

it's what your father thinks that counts

oh honey

Ted I forgot to mention I can't stay for

dinner I'm taking item a out dad you've

seen item a every night since you've

been here do you really like her that

much oh she's a million laughs you know

I've been a widower so long I forgot how

much fun it is to date yeah dating is

one thing but you're not thinking about

maybe marrying again are you well it's

the right woman came along I might take

another dip in the sea of matrimony who

knows well I better get dressed Joanie

who knows doesn't mean a thing

it's I dude that does all the damage

just stop jumping to conclusions okay i

dinnae has him completely hoodwinked

with us he's Godzilla with him she's kid

where are you going handsome Debbi

finally agreed to go out with me guess

my macho image and great personality and

because she's trying out for a

cheerleader and you're a judge sounds

like she's just using you to get your

vote and she's doing a bang-up job you

know that item a doesn't love him she's

just after him because she knows that a

doctor makes a good living and she's

doing a bad job of it Johnny

your father is capable of making his own

decisions and if you don't want him to

resent you don't say anything don't butt

in but turns out well I don't care what

your father says I'm not gonna let that

vampire sink her teeth into my father

dad said to butt out

well what your father doesn't know won't

hurt him and with your help Dickey I

just might be able to condense item a

that my dad isn't the great catch that

she thinks he is okay like wow like fire

mo like who cares

oh the vampire you know what to do I

know what to do hi hello Vicki

hello vampire oh won't you please sit

down item a my dad would be right out oh

thank you

listen I hope you don't go too crazy

giving me expensive presents expenses

present next Mother's Day mommy dearest

you know it's going to seem strange

having a daughter-in-law older than I

oh hi there item a gym will be right out

so where are you two crazy kids going

tonight huh

mud wrestling he told you

oh yeah go tell Dad that she's here sure

well item a my father and you have

certainly hit it off oh yes that dear

man he's so sweet so generous so

handsome fell broke broke Vicky you're

not supposed to talk about that as for

my Jimbo's broke oh oh that's a joke

right

[Laughter]

it's not a joke but I'm sure things will

be better once that now practice suit is

settled if it doesn't wipe them out

malpractice suit

oh it's just the money hungry patient

but dad says they don't have a leg to

stand on that's why they're suing isn't

he insured well I'm afraid he couldn't

afford it I mean after all my dad is

just a country doctor some of his

patients pain and chickens chickens

instead of de bucks he gets big flex oh

but I'm sure it makes no difference to

you item a that my father's practically

a pauper pauper what on earth you talkin

about y'all dad what have you been

selling item a she told her grandpa gets

paid in chickens who are being sued for

malpractice what Jim let me put this as

delicately as I can financially are you

in the toilet well let me answer you

delicately financially I'm flushed I

didn't doubt it not for a moment John

what did I tell you about letting in

it's just trying to protect dad she

didn't want to marrying the vampire

Jonnie Jonnie whom I marry is my

business you tell them Snooky wookums

even if it's the vampire

that's a lovely compliment well however

the fact is I have no intention of

burying item a or anyone else what you

mean you were just toying with my

affections and all the why you had no

intention of taking advantage of me

item a I never promised you anything

more than a good time

goodbye you quack

hey did I lead her on and not realize

this no dad she's just looking for a man

to support her in the style to which

she's dying to become accustomed well

anyway now I'll have more time with

Jamie and Vicki right honey

right Nikki welcome

well now we're down to the final three

contestants for the two open places on

the grand junior high cheerleading squad

next we have Debbie banya and our next

contestant is Harriet brindle how are

you

[Applause]

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very very good and our final competitor

is Vicki Lawson that's the best from

here to make opponents object and the

dream we always win

come Sun or rain so I'm aboard that

victory trade

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that was something else and now for the

big moment which two of these ladies

will be members of the junior high

cheerleading squad judges what have you

decided

what's going on here you're supposed to

vote for two girls and all three of you

voted for Debbie Barney oh now how come

easy she was the best you need the best

she can't cheer she can't jump she can't

even land I want the truth why did you

vote for her well Debbie let me take her

out for pizza

what she let me take her out for pizza

me too double-cross her I thought I was

the only one she was using

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I am pleased to announce that the new

members of the cheerleading squad are

telogen Brenda and Vicki Lawson thank

you all for trying out you were very

good like I got cramps

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[Applause]