02x10 - You Gotta Have Heart

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

what a great movie The Wizard of Oz gets

better every time I see it I always cry

when Dorothy gets back to Kansas such a

happy ending Vicki stop well my

favorites the Tin Man I finally got what

he wanted a heart plays they hugged hard

well hard is where people store their

love do I have a heart I know but that's

an interesting idea Vicki if I could

give a robot a heart I would win the

Nobel Prize and then the movie of my

life would win an Academy Award for

Robert Redford you mean Rodney

Dangerfield I give no respect around

here

I'm not programmed about people storing

love in their heart what is this thing

called love love is a many-splendored

thing love is never having to say you're

sorry Vicki love is when you like a girl

and you're always buying her stuff and

you go broke so she goes to the dance

with some rich kid love is stupid

no it's not Jamie and one of the things

we do to show our love Vicki is giving

well for instance ah

I love dad so uh I give him his watch

and I gave your mom that ring out of

love and also this very beautiful

heart-shaped necklace it's very

beautiful full carat diamond

heart-shaped necklace diamonds are a

girl's best friend

and Vicki we gave you that bracelet

because we love you

of course he loves you Jamie give Vicki

something okay Vicki I think I'll go to

the dance with some rich kid that's one

more than last week I can do a lot more

than last week don't you want to do some

more pull-ups I'll be happy to hold your

shirt you be kind of sweaty feet take

you area why don't you go home and tell

your mother to hose you down

[Laughter]

this is for you Harriet how much I'll

give it to you because I have love in my

heart for you visit Shrek are we on

candid camera or something I also give

you this hey thanks don't you love my

other foot too I have love in my heart

for your other foot too this could be

beautiful friendship had to Mike's be my

best friend I never had a best

girlfriend before I never had a best

girlfriend before oh this is neat

share each other's secrets well wear

each others clothes and one more rule

we'll buy a condo in Miami like the

Golden Girls and treat men like placings

men my playthings

come on best friend let's go to my house

and play

[Music]

I never eat just before dinner oh it's

just one little poopy it couldn't hurt I

baked it specially for you come on

alright it's my own special recipe

the secret is in using the whole lima

bean and a cup full of lard I can't tell

you how pleased I am that our two

daughters have become best friends

oh they have isn't it wonderful

and you know Joanie I guess to become

best of friends - I've never had a best

girlfriend it would be ever so many

loads of fun we share our innermost

secrets and wear each others clothes I

know I have always admired that outfit

you're wearing oh well I'm not so sure

that we're the same size oh I'll just

take it in a little around the hair

[Laughter]

we are best girlfriends oh no Joe not

they adorable sweet I give you this why

are you giving me a pot holder to hold

your pot you might wash my hair do my

nails and peel my grapes

wait a minute what's going on here my

daughter's suddenly broke out in

freckles best friend yes and that's not

all the good news tansy Joanie and I

have become best friends too I am beside

myself with glee and in the bowling game

of life I've thrown a strike and we've

thrown a gutter ball I can't tell you

how good it is to have close friends

that you can share things with

especially in times of great crisis I

don't want to talk about it talk about

happy things like a rainbows and roses

and baubles and bangles and bright

copper kettles and k*lling my husband

Bonnie Joe and Brandon have a little

tiff World w*r two was a little tip the

man is insanely jealous of me

he thinks that every man is after me can

you believe that never in a million

years

he does no matter where I am on the

street or in the market or at

mud-wrestling and he goes absolutely

bananas when I wear my kelly green and

hot pink polka dot bathing suit with the

peter pan collar and bare midriff well

turn a few heads all the way around

beauty is such a curse men are attracted

to me like moths to a flame or mold to a

cheese well even you Ted I caught you

times looking at me very strangely

that's true very strange did you cry the

Lord of the left I'm making my salad

listen everything's gonna be okay

Jonah and I will do everything we can to

help you out oh thank you thank you I

knew I could count on you I'll just get

Harriet's and my things

what things Oh we'll just stay with our

best friends until this whole ugliness

blows over

don't just stand there Jed you get the

rest of our bags

I can't tell you how grateful I am to

have friends like you

you're like a welcoming port for a lost

ship on the stormy seas of matrimony so

how long is the barge planning to dock

with us just until I get a good divorce

lawyer I'm gonna sock it to that

sleazeball so hard even his teeth will

be in my name Bonnie don't be hasty

divorce is a very serious matter

yes Bonnie you should try and forgive

Brandon's jealousy and forget the fact

that you're so fatally attracted how can

I you know there are times as I push my

cart in the supermarket I see men gazing

at me and they all share the same look

in their eye a look that says who is

this woman boy I've said the same thing

myself money but for Brandon to be so

jealous can only mean that he loves you

very much

and I yeah we we think that you should

go back to it good times together like

when you first met

Brandon threw up in my car oh I didn't

think about something else think about

your honeymoon I threw up in my car

Bonnie every marriage has its ups and

downs you should feel lucky to have a

husband that loves you so much well he

has a funny way of showing it what do

you love him well I have a funny way of

showing it to night I get up and tie his

pants enough

[Laughter]

that's adorable Bonnie listen Bonnie I

just count your blessings you know you

have a lovely home and a lovely daughter

who will someday have all of her teeth

and I bet Brandon's at home right now

anxious to kiss and make up if you just

give him the chance to go home and get

it one more try come on do it do it do

it for us do it for you your two best

friends in the whole world huh well good

and we'll bring these suitcases over

them later oh thank you dear friends and

you just pick up the phone if you ever

need a favor that won't take me out of

my way why don't we play a game let's

play secret best friends always tell

each other secrets okay Harriet I've got

two secrets for you my first one is I'm

insanely in love with you you are yeah

and my second one is I'm insane how

about going forget it you're just trying

to slap me my best friends I am your

best friend well let's play

hide-and-seek carry it you love that

game yeah last time I did I didn't see

you for three days

[Laughter]

help me find you well when I find you

I'll kiss you on the cheek okay Hot Lips

Oh bean hot closet you're splitting up

me and my best friend Ricky will never

get rid of period if you keep giving her

things she's selfish and she's taking

advantage of you

she's taking advantage of me right so

we're gonna turn the tables I'm gonna

program you to be selfish and take

advantage of her you're dressed like

Harriet now you're gonna act like the

little stinker okay Hot Lips goodness we

talked Bonnie into going back to Brandon

can you imagine anything worse than

having her living with us yes

having Brandon live with us Brandon the

woman is insanely jealous of me she

thinks every woman I see wants to get

her hands on me some men do to

attractive to women just the way I am

it's the way I walked

smell of my cigars the cut of my clothes

a man who looks good in a loser suit is

hard to find thank you Tom Selleck and

polyester even insulted the Avon lady

Bonnie said oh yes there's ding dong on

her lips but hanky-panky in her eyes

[Laughter]

good times like when you first met she

spent the entire evening cleaning the

upholstery in her car

think of your honeymoon I spent the

entire evening cleaning the upholstery

on our car Brandon look don't do

anything you'll regret

think of what you have you have a lovely

home and a lovely daughter and a clean

car just a funny way of showing it

[Laughter]

of course I have a funny way of showing

it - I rearranged the furniture so that

when she sits she misses the chair that

proves it people like you and Bonnie

deserve each other well that's for sure

I think about the years that you've

invested in your marriage so what who

cares if you and Bonnie split the IRS

taxes single people a lot more than a

tax is married people you think she'll

take me back

well if I have to now you're making

sense oh I bet Bonnie's at home right

now waiting with open arms and lima bean

and lard cookies my favorite gee thanks

guys thanks for the truck your real

friends what a guy I wanna go next uh

Bonnie you are the greatest

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

got all that booty you remember

everything I told you got it I'm going

to be a little stinker like chariot hey

what are you guys doing I've been

fighting that slop it's so long about my

fall breath sorry Harriet we lost track

of time cuz Vicki so generously gave you

our Rock well I don't want to play

anymore

I'm going home not so fast little

stinker what I want my clock back no

more mr. nice guy

but I thought we were best friends cap

it's all that love in your heart I'm

taking that bat too I've never seen

anyone so selfish you want to stay my

friend you better apologize right now

love is never having to say you're sorry

I also want my bracelet back and my

clothes and everything else well you got

it here uh Harriet don't undress here I

just say don't come crawling to my condo

door Miami when your old one and borrow

copper denture cream

you did it Vicki you got rid of period

you see thing selfish isn't all bad I

gave you my ring that's right I got it

here right on my little finger I want it

back I only meant that for Harriet not

for me I want it back

okay later I need some soap to get it

off I want it back

[Laughter]

what's going on here knock it off Vicky

get off of him what is going on around

here first Harriet tells me that she had

a fight with Vicki now you two are

fighting why Vicki wanted her a ring

back we got rid of the little stinker

being selfish isn't all bad and where'd

you get that piece of advice from this

little stinker well that's not true

Vicki being selfish is a terrible thing

you can't be selfish and have love in

your heart you're confusing my

random-access memory you said for me to

have a heart I'm the show love and give

Jamie says I must be selfish and tape

now I have no friend and no heart

Vicki I only said that to get Harriet

out of here

I really didn't mean it giving is much

better I already gave now can I have a

heart like the Tin Man In The Wizard of

Oz well no Vicki sorry I want a heart

Ted can't you do something yeah dad I

feel sorry for her well I just wouldn't

know what to do

wait I know what to do

I've got a perfect heart for you Vicki

there now you've got a heart do you like

it

I like it diamonds are a girl's best

friend

[Applause]

[Music]

James River

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]