01x22 - Show Biz (a.k.a. Vaudeville Vicki)

[bunniefuu]

I just a minute honey I'm fixing her

he's picking up some outside

interference on her voice circuits hey

turn around Vicki okay recite the

Gettysburg Address again and I'll adjust

while you're talking if Abe Lincoln were

alive he'd turn over in his grave

okay Johnny she's all yours thanks honey

Vicki would you pass the coffee table

over there I've got some other things to

do polish the coffee table oh did you

fix the leg on this end table it was

loose yeah yeah Vicki and I fixed it

together we use superglue bulldozer

couldn't break this thing so that is a

rock right Vicki solid as a rock

and what if the maker so strong

well I Vickie take the pieces into the

kitchen Leah please don't tell me you

did it worst day of my life remember I

told you about that show they're putting

on to raise money for gym equipment

yes well today they had auditions for

scenes from Romeo and Juliet and I said

why not give it a try I know about love

and tragedy and all that stuff i watch

dynasty well from the look on your face

looks like you didn't get the part huh

oh I got the part I'm Romeo oh that's

terrific then what are you so unhappy

about cuz Juliet is Harriet like Snow

White being played by Joan Rivers

[Laughter]

[Music]

well what brings you here today well

it's a great day for the brindle's

not only have I been appointed

entertainment and publicity chairman for

our school show my daughter is the star

period say something in Shakespeare

[Music]

Romeo is on his way to Cleveland all

that all that all that Romeo you know

I'd like to take a picture of the kids

to put in the newspaper okay here he is

been right by Jamie there you know a

little publicity might help sell some

tickets smile Jamie lifelike you sick to

your stomach who's acting smiles now

[Music]

perfect

I'll get this on over to the newspaper

well how about a picture of the proud

parents and that's a good idea dad I'll

go get my husband and then you can take

our picture

oh Romeo tis almost morning I would have

be gone and yet no further then wantons

bird that lets it hop a little from his

hand not bad huh

if Shakespeare were alive he turned over

in his grave come on Harriet let's get

to my favorite part of the play your

death scene I got a better idea let's

stay with your magic balcony scene then

window that didn't and let life out

farewell farewell one kiss and I'll

descend this is just a rehearsal that's

what rehearsals are for you're supposed

to kiss me on the balcony I'm not

kissing you on the balcony or anywhere

else there's nothing personal on this

[Applause]

no way

I can't how's it going with the two

grand lovers okay man oh thanks

not me I'll take a barf bag hi kids

guess what you kids are celebrities huh

your pictures in the afternoon paper

look look even Vicky's in it like you

tell my mother good idea

save her a trip over here come on Vicky

let's go to my room and rehearse you

make a better juliet than harriet with

me he won't need a barf bag a romeo

isn't too thrilled with his Juliet ah

well I'm certainly satisfied with my

Juliet I'll climb up your balcony

anytime after all these years I still

hear a bell

[Music]

all right I'm coming

[Music]

is this the Lawson residence yes I'm Ted

Lawson can I help you

I'm buddy O'Connor the atomic comic from

Kalamazoo singer/dancer former charm

consultant - John McEnroe what can I do

for you mr. Condon well I would just

pass it through town and I happen to

spot this picture in the paper would it

be possible for me to see this little

girl

Vicki well why do you want to see her

let me ask you a question did you happen

to adopt her I guess we did why I knew

it I knew it

it all fits what fits take a look at

this take a look at this see here and

here see the same kid it does kind of

resemble Vicki at a younger age

are you kidding that's her her real name

is Mary and I'm her father her father no

you must be mistaken mr. O'Connor

there's no possible way Vicki could be

your daughter he could prove it to you

oh well I built her I mean I built we we

built a good home for her here look I

year ago my ex-wife wrote me that she

was putting Mary up for adoption a great

mother huh he was even worse than our

act she's she started upstaging me you

know and stealing my jokes so sorry

about that I'm not here to cause any

trouble I've been a pretty lousy parent

and I don't deserve any favors but I I'm

leaving for a gig in Hong Kong in a

couple of days and I'd I just like to

see Mary before I go just once mr.

O'Connor you're making this very

difficult

I'm sorry look you don't even have to

say I'm her father I just like to take a

look at the kid dad I'll probably never

see her again

would you excuse us for just a minute

please

have a seat yeah thank you hey great

place honey this poor man really thinks

that Vicki's his daughter well if I were

him I might think the same thing what do

you mean honey when I built Vicki I had

her face molded from a kid's picture I

got from a modeling agency

now I know it's a crazy coincidence but

it must be disguised

ten who ever thought anything like this

would happen honey if this guy makes

trouble for us it could come out that

Vicky's a robot or worse that would use

phony papers to get through her adoption

right well what do you think we should

do we don't have any choice we let him

see her and then they'll be on his way

to Hong Kong yeah but what if he isn't

then we better be on our way to Hong

Kong

[Music]

nice smile great personality it's easy

to see why everybody loves you

especially me we're back mr. O'Connor

we've talked it over and we decided yes

you can see Vicky why not ha ha great

thank you thank you well what can I see

my little girl well how how how about

right now

Vicky would you come in here please oh

you know I'm a little nervous last time

I saw her she was just a little baby

what a great audience she was I'd tell

her a joke then she'd wet her pants

Vicky yes I'd like you to meet somebody

and this is mr. O'Connor no she's a

cutie all right hi there sweetie oh man

she is strong man I am strong what's

with her voice she sounds like the

seatbelt warning on my Datsun that's

just a little laryngitis right Vicky

that's a great voice for showbiz exactly

what do you do in show business I

thought you'd never ask

get a load of this dad I'm downtown

shave and a haircut two bits

[Music]

that's what you call show business

another critic look kid it took me years

to learn how to do that it's not as easy

as I make it look I can do that

she's fantastic we know Vicki you can go

now yeah bye sweetie

bye sweetie no forget it

[Laughter]

did you see the lovely photo with the

kids in the newspaper

Harriet it's adorable where she looks

just like me unfortunately she has her

father's legs

no you had company

excuse me for barging in are you just

the barge to do it this is our neighbor

mrs. brindle Bonnie this is Betty

O'Connor

oh hi how's the school show Camille on

oh boy have I got problems our star

attraction has dropped out you know

captain Norman and his dog Norman but

his duck is sick to lay the egg don't

look at me

I happen to be in showbiz too I sing and

dance oh how clever now I know what

you're thinking what am I thinking that

I'm going to ask you to be in our show

but I wouldn't impose no no no no no

still you could be the answer to a

Maiden's prove I've done that to

I'd really like to help you out but I'm

on my way to Hong Kong Bonnie I thought

you said one of the kids fathers was a

big theatrical agent and he was gonna

get somebody out of town he won't be

back until the night of the show excuse

me a big agent is going to be at the

show fans in the show you plays a tree

on second thought dear lady I am a

sucker for a hard-luck story I'm all

heart I'll do your show watch it a chap

easily oh this is gonna be great and I'm

gonna put Mary in the act

Vikki Yeah right Vikki with your

permission of course

you know she learns fast I'll teach her

a routine and she can help me out I

don't know please folks you know how

tough it is for a guy like me to get

seen by a big agent this could be my big

break I'm not a kid you know I just look

young and beautiful please pretty please

I'll brothel if I have to thank you I

love you both I'll see you tomorrow for

we hurt wait a minute buddy bye bye

everybody ready okay rehearsal time hit

the music

here comes O'Connor and a friend boy am

i lucky I just won a trip to Borneo

no wonder they told me not to pack any

hats yeah last week I worked in a club

where business was really bad it was so

bad the bouncer had to go outside and

throw people in get on the gong show

and speaking of my ex-wife she cried her

heart out when we divorced you know why

she was hoping to be a widow

[Music]

[Music]

dinamita

what'd you take Vicky to her room that

was very nice mr. O'Connor yeah I know

you know if we're a big hit with that

agent for that big agent on the school

show I'm gonna take Vicky on the road

with me on the wrong

aren't you forgetting that she's our

daughter hey she's my daughter too I

never agreed to any adoption and if I

have to I can get pretty sticky about it

well we're just gonna have to talk about

this mr. O'Connor what's to talk about

you want trouble you got it

just let him see her and he'll be gone

huh

so I was wrong no problem remember what

O'Connor said his ex-wife did to him and

his act yes

well where do you see what I program

Vicky to do to him in his act and life

Oh farewell farewell one kiss and I'll

descend

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

Oh sink us down we shall ever meet again

oh don't hold it by breath I think

you'll agree with me that after seeing

tonight's production of Romeo and

Harriet that a star is born

the little boy wasn't bad either and now

for our final act of the evening our

piece of resistance here we have the

world-famous star of stage screen and

supermarket openings

[Applause]

[Music]

boy am i lucky

I just want to trip to Borneo where

business was pretty bad it was so bad

that's it had to go outside and throw

people in oh she's fast tonight speaking

of my ex-wife she was brokenhearted when

we got divorced

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

thanks for nothing your kid she's worse

than my ex-wife she stole everything but

my underwear we're real sorry about that

buddy she can't imagine what that ended

things well she made me look like a fool

that agent probably hated the act wrong

I liked it

hi I'm Lou Adams of the loo Adams agency

kids cute

I stole everything but his underwear you

want to put her in show business you

know you change her name

get her a nose job she'd be okay Vicky

go get Jamie I'm sorry mr. Adams but we

don't want Vicky in show business

tonight was just finish school well you

might not want her in show business but

I do you want us Adams you got us now

wait a minute who said us I mean it's

the kids act you're just the stooge

buddy your partner the man who had a

summer squash named after him at the

Idaho State Fair no way am I gonna be a

stooge fern kid what kind of an agent

are you what kind of an agent am I

you've heard of Robert Redford are you

trying to tell me you discovered him no

I heard of them to the kids cute

terrific here's my card

well buddy listen now we're real sorry I

still got that job in Hong Kong yeah

yeah you know maybe I had to try a new

gimmick like Captain Norman and he's

duck yeah only I'll use a chicken I'm

getting tired of laying the eggs

I'll see you take care of the kid huh

well honey if I do say so myself I think

I handled this problem with Vicki and

Buddy rather brilliantly

yes dear now all you have to do is work

on this problem with your modesty yeah

I've been looking for you Shh wait I'm

hiding from Juliet she still wants that

kiss no way Harriet have you just kissed

me on the cheek I'll leave you alone you

promise promise okay

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

she's my small wonder lovely and bright

and so close

she's a small wonder

a childlike of you care

[Applause]

she's a miracle and I grant you she take

you at the site she's that small

[Music]

[Applause]