01x04 - Fires & Liars

[bunniefuu]

This is gonna be awesome!

I don't know, man. This seems dangerous. Why won't we just go for the wrestle?

Now way, dude, we wrestle all the time. Don't you wanna see a spray paint can explode?

Of course I do. More than anything. I freaking love fire.

I'm scared too.

Yo, I just saw a freaking scarecrow drinking whiskey.

It's not a scarecrow, Russ, it's just a homeless bum.

They're poppin' up all over the place now.

Ugh, I'm so excited for this fire.

It's gonna be explosions and fire and everything.

We gotta be careful, 'cause it's gonna be like a b*mb going off.

Saw it on an Internet video.

Yo, we gotta get on the Internet more.

I know. I've been saying this for years, but we got no computers.

I wanna get an Internet installed in my brain.

What?

So I wouldn't be stupid no more.

- Let's just light the friggin' fire.
- All right, dude.

You light it and then run to safety with me and Russ. We're gonna be over there.

Why do I gotta light it?

'Cause you're the fastest guy I know.

Dag, sometimes I wish I wasn't so fast. Ah, well. Duty calls.

All right, good luck, man.

Dude, nothing's happening.

That was freakin' nuts.

Freakin' fire's turned against us. Dude, this is exactly what I was afraid of.

What the frick do we do?

Run!

Yeah, we should do that too.

Oh, oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Y'all did what now?

We set a parking lot on fire and now we're on the friggin' run.

We just wanted to blow up a paint can like on the Internet web site video.

First of all, y'all are coming up on me at dinnertime.

Now, I know y'all live like Lord of the Flies, but normal people's houses, this is quiet time.

You don't just come up on someone at dinner. It's just not done.

Are you gonna friggin' help us or what?

What y'all want me to do?

This ain't my sh*t! This is your sh*t!

I'm just sitting here eatin' supper.

You're the one who told us to do it!

I just showed y'all a video. I ain't tell y'all to start blowing sh*t up, Okay? Get your facts right, homey.

Oh, man, we're freakin' screwed, Gary.

We should just run away and grow beards and disappear forever.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Just keep your mouths shut. That's what you gotta do.

Ain't nobody got to know nothin'.

What if someone asks us though?

If anybody asks you somethin', you don't know sh*t!

I don't like to lie, Darius. It's dishonest as freakin' hell.

I'm not even friggin' good at it.

You don't lie to your parents?

- No. I don't have to.
- Yeah, we don't got no rules.

- My home's lawless.
- sh*t.

My whole world is lies.

- Darius! Who's at the door?
- It's the mailman, Ma.

Why is he coming around here at dinner?

Sorry about that, Mom. He left his sunglasses in the mailbox.

Just stop talking. Y'all got to go.

No, no. My mom likes the coupons. She likes the coupons. Definitely. Yeah.

Just be cool. They ain't got sh*t on you.

I will. I'll let her know you said hi.

Mom, Mr. Postman say hi.

- Man, he's a good liar.
- Yeah, he's the best.

I-I don't know if I got it in me, man.

We might not even have to lie. It was just an old parking lot. No one'll even care.

Yo, check it out, son. We're freakin' famous.

Holy sh*t.

- It's in the school paper?
- "There were no witnesses...

"but the abandoned buildings in the area are frequented by the homeless...

- "who are suspected in the crime."
- They're blaming the homeless?

Yo, that's messed up.

Well, it's better than us getting in trouble.

We can't tell anyone about this.

We're lying about it, and I don't like it, but we don't got no choice.

I-I won't freakin' tell anyone, I swear. I-I got secrets nobody can know.

They're bone-chilling.

You guys wanna hear one?

Absolutely not. Russ, just keep it to yourself.

Ugh. It's like he's looking right at me, Gary.

Why'd you do it, son?

You did a bad thing.

Just give me that. It's gonna make it worse.

You guys reading about the fire?

No.

We don't have any interest in it.

All right, that's weird. It's a really big story, and the school paper is flying off the shelves. We're crushing it...

and helping to get those animals off the streets.

Who, the homeless?

Yeah. They're super dangerous, they smell like urine and they have A*DS.

- They do?
- Not all of them, but most.

Are they sure the homeless did it?

How would I know? I just deliver the papers.

They say I'm not "ready for my own story yet."

But they'll see. I'm gonna come up with something awesome, and then they'll go ape sh*t and promote me.

Whew! I don't like this, man. Lying's hard.

Yeah, we'll get better, man. It just takes practice.

Hello. This is freakin' Joel.

- I can't freakin' sleep.
- Yeah, me neither.

I got a storm inside my mind.

I've been trying to think about wrestling moves to distract myself. But even that's not working.

It's guilt, dude. It's tearing us apart.

Homeless people are taking the blame while we live like freakin' kings.

We're lying to ourselves, and we're lying to the firemen.

They're freakin' heroes, man!

You start lying to your heroes, next thing you know I'm lying to you. Where does it end?

If you ever lie to me, I'll punch you in the head.

Dude, you should be punching me if I lie to you.

You should punch me till my face caves in to bones and mush.

Let's just end this man, Okay?

Let's just confess. The truth will set us free.

- It's not as cool as I thought it would be.
- Yeah. It's pretty shitty.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Get out of here, you homeless punks! Beat it!

No, man, we're not homeless. We're here to talk to our heroes.

Oh.

Oh, Okay. Y-you know, so-sorry about that, kids, you know.

We get a lot of homeless breaking in these days to s-steal scrap metal.

If they're not stealing metal, then they're starting fires. It's-it's a whole thing, you gotta understand.

Yeah, yeah. Actually, that's what we wanna talk to you about.

Yo, Frankie, ribs are done, baby, and they are smokin' hot.

Oh. Who-who's this? What-what is this? What's going on here?

- Holy sh*t! You two are like a mirror image of each other.
- They're freakin' clones!

No, no, no. We're twins. This, this is my brother Dino.

We're just having a little celebration for the parking lot fire we put out the other day. So, you know, ribs and, uh...

beers and such, you know. Maybe some chocolate cake. I don't know.

What? You're celebrating the fire?

g*dd*mn right we're celebrating the fire. It was the best g*dd*mn thing that ever happened to us.

Ah, geez, here I go. Come on.

Well, I hope you boys brought your appetite say I, uh...

cooked way too much food.

Hey, Frankie, are you sure these aren't street kids?

I mean, Jesus Christ.

Damn!

- These ribs are awesome!
- Mmm. Yeah. They're soft as mashed potatoes.

Well, that's the brine, kids. Okay? The brine is the most important part.

Tha-tha-- That's where you're getting the succulence from.

Oh, Dino is a whiz with the smoker. He ma-he makes his own rubs. You believe this guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in a sense sadly, the grill is about the only fire we get to put out these days.

What are you talking about?

Uh, nobody gives a sh*t about us anymore.

- We're like trashy--
- Who-who-whoa. Frankie, come on.

These are kids here. Watch the language.

Ah, it's all right. We curse all the time.

Uh, yeah. Frig. sh*t. Piss.

- as*h*le. Dongs.
- Son of a b*tch.

All-all right, all right, all right. Come on, come on, Okay? Frankie's just talking about the old days...

when we used to feel important.

Back when 9/11 happened.

Hey, we were on call 24/7. Anytime of day you call us, we would be there.

I wish I was older when 9/11 happened. I would've frickin' cried for everyone.

I had abs up to my neck.

We-we couldn't go anywhere without getting saluted.

- Oh! And the broads.
- Ufa Marone.

Holy crap. Is this you in the calendar?

- Damn, you were jacked.
- You look like frickin' catalog models.

Ah, yeah, but things are different now.

We might not even be around much longer.

What? What do you mean?

Ah. Cutbacks. Yeah, with the recession and such, I tell ya, it's only a matter of time.

- They can't get rid of you guys!
- You're our heroes!

Nobody thinks they need a fireman until it's too late.

Say what you want about that disgusting homeless piece of trash that started that fire, but it was nice to feel ne-...

needed! All right?

I gotta step back.

Whoa, whoa, Okay, all right. Easy, Frankie. Easy. My-my brother's very emotional.

Hey, what did you kids wanna talk to us about anyway, huh?

Uh--

Can we get your autograph?

I've never seen a hero down in the dumps like that.

They can't get rid of the firemen.

Who's gonna protect us from t*rrorists and arsonists and curious youngsters like ourselves?

Hey, big-time guy.

Yo, Martin. Why are you so dressed up?

I just had an important job interview.

They cut my hours at the department store because of the economia.

So I'm taking a second job at the Internet Cafe. It's a very big deal.

Oh! I always want to go to that place. It's futuristic as all hell.

Yeah, we've been looking to get on the Internet more too.

The Internet is the future, boys.

The information super highway will connect us all.

Go, bag lady!

Leave us in peace! This is our trash!

This is our street!

- Yo, he's boiling over.
- Yeah, Martin.

You got frickin' steam coming out of your ears.

The homeless are very dangerous, boys.

In my country, we believe they are vampires.

They messed up when they burned down that parking lot.

Jou hear me? They're gonna do something about jou now! Vampiro!

Phss! Phss! Phss!

Don't look them in the eye, boys.

They can steal your soul.

- Yo, it's freakin' Joel.
- Yo, I can't sleep again, dude.

Me neither. I can't stop thinking about the frickin' firemen.

We need to figure out how to reinspire them...

and remind everyone why they're so important.

Well, how the hell are we gonna do that? Start another fire?

Oh, sh*t, dude, that's it! We gotta start another fire.

W-wul, wait. What about the homeless?

It'll be good for them too.

If they go to jail, they'll get a place to sleep...

and a toilet so they don't have to piss all over the streets.

Oh, that's clean for the city.

Setting fires and lying are supposed to be bad...

but in this case, they're actually good. It's confusing.

I know. The world's a complicated place.

We gotta figure out how to start a big fire.

What in the hell?!

We're gonna set another fire, and we need your help.

It is 1 in the morning. Are y'all two out of your damn minds?

Sorry, man. We didn't mean to wake you up.

It ain't about being woken up.

I wasn't asleep.

This is when I watch them pay channels and eat my junk food. Moms think I go to bed at 8:00.

But when midnight come around, man, I pop up like toast.

Could you let us use your Internet and do some research on how to light a building on fire?

Hell, no.

I ain't winding up on no watch list.

Do not mess with Google. Them fools is like the CIA.

Darius?

Oh, it's Okay, Mom. Some kid threw an egg at the doorbell. I got it under control.

Wanna clean it up before the sun come back out.

See what y'all did.

I'm coming down there!

- I swear to God, if you're eating that cheeseburger--
- No, no, I-I'm coming up right now, Ma. It's Okay. I got--

It's under control.

See? Now I got to put the cheergseburger in my pocket. Happy?

Now, Martin, you'll find the majority of the job here is... just cleaning up after the clientele.

I can sweep a broom, empty the trash. It is no problemo.

You got a good worker here, guy.

Well, unfortunately, it's trash of another nature.

What it is?

I hesitate to say.

It used to be that a cyber cafe was a place where families could gather and discover new technology.

Nowadays, most decent folk got Internet at home.

And this place is more... akin to a bus stop or... a dock area.

The bulk of our business is--

Well, it's men pleasuring themselves to p*rn*graphy.

That's jacked up, bro.

We had to stop serving food in here because it was being incorporated into the fantasy.

I found a man in the bathroom doing unspeakable things to a panini.

He was having the sex with it?

Oh, well... I wish it were that simple.

Hey, amigos.

Jou here to surf the cyber space?

Just doing some research, Martin.

Watch out for perverts, Okay?

Yeah, we always do.

Yeah, this is good, man. It's untraceable. Nobody's gonna know.

- Gary?
- Oh, he-hey, Megan.

I've never seen you here before.

You're working on an article for the paper?

I come here sometimes to write... away from other teens. Teens can be so judgmental.

"Abstinence Is Awesome. One Girl's Struggle from Regret to Redemption."

- What the frig is this?
- I-I don't know if I would read that.

I will slap the teeth out of your head.

Sorry.

What the hell are you guys doing here anyway?

She knows, man.

- I know what?
- Nothing.

We're just...

blasting off e-mails and checking out web sites and surfing and stuff.

Yeah, I might e-mail the President about the economy.

He's not gonna write you back. I've already tried.

Do you think the President will find out if you're on a web site about fires?

- What?
- Uh.

- What is his deal?
- Nothing.

Bye.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, pile up the cans in the corner.

Oh, man.

- I hope this thing lights.
- Yo, you guys, check it out.

Freakin' flamethrower!

Be careful, Russ.

- Man, we shouldn't have brought him, dude.
- We need him for his paint cans.

It's gonna be awesome. We'll burn the sh*t out of this place. Then we'll be heroes.

Right. E-- Just remember, we can't tell anyone, Okay?

Not even me?

Ha! Busted!

Oh, man. How did you know we were here?

Call it journalistic instinct.

Also, Russ told me about it.

- What?! Damn it, Russ!
- Russ, come on!

Why would you do that?

'Cause I wanna be in the paper so I'm famous and my brother won't t*rture me anymore.

He kicks me in the ears and he puts his rabbits in my bed.

Guess I finally found my story.

I'll be the first to report about this, and they'll have to promote me. I might even get my own column.

Great. Now she's gonna rat us out. We're screwed.

Relax. I'm not gonna mention you guys. I'm pinning the fires on the homeless.

What? You can't do that. Newspapers have to tell the truth.

It's the code of the newsmen.

Please. They lie all the time.

Plus, I hate the homeless and I wanna get rid of them, so this is perfect.

We're helping the firemen too.

I don't care about your thing.

Let's stop frickin' talking and do this?

Joel, you're the fastest.

I can't this time.

I busted my ankle when I was running away from Megan at the Internet Cafe.

All right. I'll do it.

Stand back.

Yeah.

- Aw!
- Aw, man!

Dag!

Whoa!

Oh, my God!

There's smoke everywhere!

- I can't see!
- Me neither.

Oh, well. We're gonna die.

I can't see! We're trapped!

This is what happens when you lie!

Why did I care so much about being on the paper? I'm not even a good writer!

What?

I think I might be dyslexic.

I have a confession to make that I'm dyslexic!

I confess that my brother molested me!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Jesus Christ, Russ.

We'll deal with that later.

Let's just find our way out first, all right?

- How's your ankle, Joel? You need me to carry you?
- My ankle's fine.

I lied 'cause I was scared of getting blown up.

I confess that I lied to my best friend!

What? I can't believe you frickin' lied to me.

It was wrong and I'm sorry.

Ah! What the hell?!

I think you bashed my retina.

I'm sorry, man. But I told you if you ever lied to me, I'd punch you in the face.

If I didn't punch you, I'd be lying.

# Amazing grace #

- # How sweet the sound #
- # It's amazing #

- # That saved a wretch like me #
- # How we'll ever be amazing #

- # And we'll not be #
- What the hell's he singing?

- # friends with them before me-- #
- I don't know, but it may be the last thing we ever hear.

We're alive!

Oh, sh*t. We're covered in blood, dude!

That ain't blood.

It's barbecue sauce.

Dino, Frankie. You saved us!

We were heading down to the shore for a barbecue competition.

We almost missed the call.

That is the first time we've rescued someone from a fire in years.

Tell you somethin', if I get my hands on the homeless son of a b*tch who lit this fire...

I'll gouge his freakin' eyes out with these thumbs right here, huh?

Ah, I wish the fire would've washed over this place like a great wave and rid me of my burden.

I'm a prisoner, Martin.

And this is my dungeon of come.

No!

You do not say that stuff, Mr. Lewelyn. I will not have it.

I burnt my as*h*le. I hope it's not sealed shut.

Gross. Yo, what was that stuff you were yelling about getting molested, Russ?

One time my brother told me to close my eyes 'cause a pretty girl was gonna give me a kiss...

and then he put jumper cables on my scrotum.

Oh, Russ, man, you didn't get molested. You got tricked.

Yeah, that's just you being dumb, man.

It's not a freakin' trick. It's a molesting.

Megan, can you believe this?

Wait. Hold on. Where's Megan?

Holy crap, dude. Megan's still inside!

Too late. She's toast. Her skin's probably melted off.

Firemen! Hey! Our friend's trapped inside!

Go save her!

Ah, no, no. I can't. It's too intense.

My body's breaking down.

That, tha-this is it. My left arm, the whole thing.

Let me just-let me just take a knee for a second.

Yep, I'm down.

Ah! Stop eating so much friggin' barbecue!

Hey! What happened to these guys, huh?

These chiseled heroes would never give up.

Those guys are friggin' beefcakes.

Uh, don't show me that! What are you doing with that? Put that thing away!

I carry it around to remind me of the strongest, toughest, bravest dudes I've ever seen in my whole life.

They used to be my heroes. I wonder what happened to 'em.

Ugh! You wanna know what happened to them?!

This is what happened to them.

- Oh!
- Whoa, whoa!

- I got t*ts!
- Jesus, Dino. Put your shirt back on.

Oh, g*dd*mn! Let everybody see!

I'm a disgrace!

That's it! I'm going in.

Then I'm going with you.

Man, look!

She's alive!

What happened?

You almost got burned alive, but the bag lady saved you.

Bag lady, how did you know we were in there?

That's where I live.

So you carried me out of the burning building?

Yes, I did.

Oh, my God! She touched me! I need an A*DS test!

A*DS monster! A*DS monster!

A*DS monster!

Vampiro, get out of here!

Powerful God, give me the strength and the power of Jesus Cristo...

to defeat the vampire demon. Yah!

- Give her hell, Jose.
- Stupid b*tch nearly k*lled us both.

Leave her alone!

She ain't no vampire.

- She's a hero.
- She didn't start the fire.

We did.

Both of 'em.

Like what, no. You-- You kidding me.

You seem like such nice kids.

We did it for you.

Well... the first one we did 'cause we're curious youngsters and we love fire.

But the second one we did for you.

We lied about it, and that was wrong. I know.

But not as wrong as giving up...

on homeless bums...

on our heroes...

and on ourselves.

That's a good lesson, boys.

God bless us, everyone.

This is the sunshine... of the Lord.

Ah-hi, Mr. Lewelyn, are you masturbating?

I am.

I'm afraid I'm not immune to temptation either.

Help me, Martin.

I will help you.

We will help each other. All of us.

And... we will get through these depressed times... together.

♪

What? I can't drop nothin' on my clothes. Mom thinks I'm at a church group right now.

Hey, you really do lie about everything.

Lie till you die, son. I'm gonna live my life.

- Well, we're done lying.
- Yeah. We realized it was wrong.

Wr-wrong how? Lying ain't the problem.

It's y'all trying to burn down buildings and sh*t.

And if you kept your mouth shut, everything would've been fine.

The homeless would've gotten blamed though, and that ain't right.

They don't give a sh*t. That b*tch is over there eating lipstick.

No. Mrs. Helen, makeup is not to eat.

It's for beauty.

Hey, listen. Thanks for everything, boys. Let me tell you somethin'. We're not going anywhere.

You helped us realize that this town does need us to protect it...

from kids like you...

and your... uh, mentally disabled friend over there who got molested.

# It's amazing #

We're getting back in shape too. Aren't we, Dino?

Huh. I'm gonna get a breast reduction.

What? Get on the-- No, no, no, Dino. No way. No shortcuts. That's like, uh, that's like microwaving a pork shoulder.

Dah, you're right. You're right.

Come here, you son of a b*tch.

You think you can take me?

No way. Gary, they wrestle too.

Of course they do. They're the sweetest dudes in the world.

I don't get that, but I'm gonna get that brisket.

Hey, you're always grabbing my d*ck. What is that good?

- Coming a thing--
- I got you.