01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
very strong language

from the outset and throughout.

So, we stole 50 grand
to pay for IVF...

Does he know the
money's missing? No.

Does he know the
money's missing? No.

HMRC is sending some
twat to conduct an audit.

You better do something
pronto about that laptop.

Oh, ah, ah!

Oh, ah, ah!

Your ovarian reserve is low.

To be honest, you'd be lucky to
get 1 or 2 eggs from the retrieval.

We don't know how to get the
money safely into our account.

We don't know how to get the
money safely into our account.

I'll take care of everything.

I help you, you help
me. How's your mother?

Yeah, mum, listen, it's me.

You're gonna need to
change your phone number.

What are you doing
here? Gotta run.

What are you doing
here? Gotta run.

Thanks for helping.

I don't wanna generalise,

but I just think blokes
are better at certain...

Jesus f*cking Christ!
Will you just make a hole!

Wow! There you go.

So sexy watching you work.
That's it, you smashed that.

So sexy watching you work.
That's it, you smashed that.

Sally, my chair is f*cked!

Now, how am I supposed
to deal with auditors

when currently my head can barely
see over the end of the desk?

When currently my head can barely
see over the end of the desk?

It's like I'm auditioning
for Snow White.

I'm head of accounts.

Chairs are not really my department.
Yeah, just shut up, Sally.

Er... Just where do
you think you're going?

Er... Just where do
you think you're going?

Oh, W-We were just... I
was thinking we could just-

Lunch. To lunch, yeah.
We're going to lunch.

Lunch. To lunch, yeah.
We're going to lunch.

Well, Janine is still very unhappy
about the laptop that you lost.

Now she'll be interviewing all
senior management tomorrow.

Now she'll be interviewing all
senior management tomorrow.

So, be here at 9am.

And do not f*ck this up!

Actually, I hope you don't
mind me saying, Alfie,

but I do feel a bit like you
stitched me up a little bit on that.

But I do feel a bit like you
stitched me up a little bit on that.

But, I did initially feel like
that, is what I meant to say.

But now I don't feel it. I couldn't
feel further away from that.

So, leave it with us.

So, leave it with us.

Twat!

OK, all ready for doctor.

Is it just me, or are
private clinics kinda creepy?

Hmm... Yeah, they are a bit.

You nervous about this at
all? Yeah, a little. You?

No.

Well, yes actually.
I'm sh1tting it.

Well, yes actually.
I'm sh1tting it.

Don't worry. For once, you'll
be w*nk*ng for a good cause.

Sort of magical in
a way, isn't it?

I'm about to have my eggs harvested
and you're gonna jizz in a cup.

I'm about to have my eggs harvested
and you're gonna jizz in a cup.

So... not suuuper
magical for me.

Well, when you're a teenager,

jizzing does actually
feel... quite magical.

Jizzing does actually
feel... quite magical.

Mmm. Especially
the first time.

I thought my head
was gonna fall off.

OK... Ooh. If you
come with me, sir,

I'll take you to
your sample room.

OK, great, thank you.

OK, great, thank you.

Have a magical time.
Thank you, I will.

Oh God.

sh*t!

Kethan, I can't
really talk right now.

The number you gave me for
your mother didn't work. What?

The number you gave me for
your mother didn't work. What?

You'll have to give
it to me again, innit.

Yeah, OK. But I- I can't
really talk right now.

I just wanted to check you still want
your instalments? Yeah, of course we do.

How are we getting on in there?

How are we getting on in there?

Yes, fine, thank you.
Thanks very much.

We want the instalments. I'm
just in the middle of something.

Are you on the phone
in the sample room?

Please just give me a few minutes,
if that's alright? Thank you.

Please just give me a few minutes,
if that's alright? Thank you.

So you want instalments but you're
too busy. No, we're not too busy.

Did the doctor not explain what the
room is for? I'm fine, thank you. Yes.

Did the doctor not explain what the
room is for? I'm fine, thank you. Yes.

I'm fully in control of what I'm
doing. It's all in hand, thank you.

But not like that. I'm not
actually at that stage yet.

Anyway, it's fine, thank you.

Because I need a
favour right now.

Because I need a
favour right now.

You're going to have to take
the day off work tomorrow

to take a package to a... a
breadren of mine in Jersey.

Uh, I-I absolutely
cannot do that.

There's something going
on at work. And I just...

There's something going
on at work. And I just...

Oh my God.

Just a lickle bag
exchange in Jersey.

You can make it a romantic day
trip with your fox of a wife.

You can make it a romantic day
trip with your fox of a wife.

I've already booked
two tickets. What?

I absolutely cannot do that.
Oh, you can and you will.

Otherwise, I might get quite forgetful
about them instalments, innit.

Otherwise, I might get quite forgetful
about them instalments, innit.

We have more material,
should you need-

For God's sake, I'm on
the phone to my uncle!

Erm... sorry.

Erm... sorry.

Whatever it takes.

That isn't what it takes!

Hey.

How many eggs did we get?
Well, we don't know yet.

How many eggs did we get?
Well, we don't know yet.

But you did great.

Thanks, children's TV
presenter. How'd you get on?

Thanks, children's TV
presenter. How'd you get on?

Initially, a bit stressful. But by the
end, I thought I'd need a second cup. So-

I'm very pleased to tell you...
we have retrieved nine eggs!

I'm very pleased to tell you...
we have retrieved nine eggs!

Nine eggs is incredible,
right? It is. Yes.

But since your womb
lining is sub-optimal,

I'm going to ask you to take
progesterone in oil injections,

I'm going to ask you to take
progesterone in oil injections,

which, I'm afraid, are,
uh... extremely painful.

Huh! Wonderful.

It's very important
that you take it easy

It's very important
that you take it easy

before we implant the eggs.
Your body's been through a lot,

and so we need everything
to be well rested.

Understood. No active work.

Just put your feet up
and relax. Got you.

Just put your feet up
and relax. Got you.

How about a trip to Jersey?

What? What?

♪ THE DANDY WARHOLS:
Bohemian Like You ♪

OK, I'm ready. Just stick it in.

♪ Woo!

♪ Woo!

Get out, I'm gonna
be sick... What?

Get out, get out. Oh,
uh, OK. Yeah, alright.

Oh my God, maybe this
is a mistake. No, no.

This is just what
the doctor order-

This is just what
the doctor order-

Oh no, I don't even have the energy
to be sarcastic at this point.

Maybe this'll be nice.

Once we... do the bag drop, it'll
be quite relaxing, you know.

Once we... do the bag drop, it'll
be quite relaxing, you know.

Like maybe it'll even... be
romantic. I'm gonna be sick.

I'm really going to be
sick. Oh God. Erm...

Here, use this. Oh, no, no,
no. Not on the packed lunch.

Here, use this. Oh, no, no,
no. Not on the packed lunch.

Oh my God, packed lunch?
So, this day can get worse.

Sorry, Al. But I did say you
should've stayed at home. No!

No, we're a team,
we're in this together.

And you're sure it isn't just 'cause you
thought I'd f*ck this up if I did it on my own?

And you're sure it isn't just 'cause you
thought I'd f*ck this up if I did it on my own?

Not entirely.

Well, just so you know, I
smashed pulling a sickie.

Sally bought it hook,
line and sinker, so... OK.

Sally bought it hook,
line and sinker, so... OK.

And Esme is gonna cover
for us if anyone calls.

I need to make a phone call.

I need to make a phone call.

But why are you making
this so difficult?

You want me to lie,
Deacon. I have principles.

You want me to lie,
Deacon. I have principles.

You got fired from Nando's for
putting THC in the peri-peri sauce.

Let's not talk about principles.

Yeah, OK... So, what
did you tell work?

Yeah, OK... So, what
did you tell work?

I said we were
sick. With what?

I didn't say. I just said we were
ill, and I coughed a little bit.

That sounds really vague and
suspicious. Why'd you say that?

That sounds really vague and
suspicious. Why'd you say that?

Well, this is the first sickie
I've ever pulled, Esme, OK?

Can you please just cover
for us? Please? Hold on.

Yep, fine. I might say you
have something venereal. What?!

Yep, fine. I might say you
have something venereal. What?!

I filled the bag.

"Hi, you've called
Deacon. Leave a message."

"Hi, you've called
Deacon. Leave a message."

f*ck' ball sex!
Excuse me, Alfie.

As we told you yesterday,
we need to speak to Deacon.

Yeah, that's not
a problem at all.

Yeah, that's not
a problem at all.

He's on his way and I'm just,
uh... seeing where he's at.

It would look very suspicious

if as well as suddenly
misplacing his laptop,

if as well as suddenly
misplacing his laptop,

he also didn't turn
up to the interview.

Oh tell me about it.

See? This is more like it, isn't
it? Now we can properly relax.

See? This is more like it, isn't
it? Now we can properly relax.

Not yet, I still feel seasick.

Well, that'll pass, I promise.

Oh, is that Alfie again? Yeah.

Oh, is that Alfie again? Yeah.

But look, don't worry, he's saying
he's totally fine with us being off

and he's gonna handle the
audit. So don't worry.

So, you know, turn your
phone off and just relax.

So, you know, turn your
phone off and just relax.

Mmm. Lovely. Just the
ill*gal bag exchange then.

Well, Kethan's gonna
text us the location.

So, how about...
little suggestion...

So, how about...
little suggestion...

before that, we
do something nice?

OK. What do you have in mind? Well,
I'm totally chill. Chill Bill.

So, just whatever's
best for you.

So, just whatever's
best for you.

So, you choose. OK, can
we go see the castle?

Hey do you remember when I pretended
to be Meghan Markle's best friend

on the Windsor Castle
tour? I do remember that.

On the Windsor Castle
tour? I do remember that.

I remember you telling the
guy Meghan was disappointed

Archie's skin wasn't darker.
For a laugh. Yeah.Yeah.

Erm... I've got another
suggestion. Yeah?

How about, instead of
going to the castle,

How about, instead of
going to the castle,

erm, we go on a different walk

that takes us to where the
bag swap's gonna be happening,

because Kethan's just texted
to say we have to go right now.

Because Kethan's just texted
to say we have to go right now.

Yay! Let's go, come on.
I wanna see the castle.

It'll be great.

Where the hell is Deacon?

Where the hell is Deacon?

I told him, even if he was dead,
that he had to be in here today.

So, where is he?

Again, it's not really my
department. But he's not here.

I know your f-

I know your f-

I know he's not here.

So, why don't you go to his
house and f*cking get him here?

And hey... enough
with the flirting.

And hey... enough
with the flirting.

Why didn't we just take a taxi?

Well, I thought it would be like

those romantic walks we
did on our honeymoon.

Those romantic walks we
did on our honeymoon.

Well, why try to add something
romantic to a probable drug run?

Why don't we just get it
done and think romance after?

Well, I was actually thinking... And
I don't want any arguments on this...

Well, I was actually thinking... And
I don't want any arguments on this...

You're supposed to be relaxing,
and more importantly than that,

I wanna show you that I
can take care of things.

Handle things on my own.
There's a cafe over there.

Handle things on my own.
There's a cafe over there.

You head in there, have a chillax.
I'll go ahead and do the bag swap.

Alright? No argum- Good luck.

Well, I was sort of
expecting... one argument.

Alright, well, I'm gonna go take care
of this dangerous bag swap on my own.

Alright, well, I'm gonna go take care
of this dangerous bag swap on my own.

Bloody hell.

Hello?

Hello?

Is there anybody there?

I've just come to
exchange the bags,

if there is anybody there.

Erm, y-you probably don't
want me to see your face,

so I-I'm just gonna
swap the bags.

But I've just got to get my
packed lunch from this bag

But I've just got to get my
packed lunch from this bag

a- and move it to the other one.

Just so there are no
misunderstandings.

OK, y-you can have
the packed lunch.

Wait! Don't turn around.

I- I won't.

How old are you?

How old are you?

That's a really creepy question.

Are you a paedo? What?!
No, I'm not a paedo.

Why are you so obsessed
with my age then?

I know your sort. Wha-?
I'm not any "sort".

I know your sort. Wha-?
I'm not any "sort".

Can't you ask a kid
their age anymore?

I better get Uncle Dave.

If it's one thing Dave
hates, it's a nonce.

What? I am NOT a nonce. OK?

What? I am NOT a nonce. OK?

If anything, a nonce wouldn't
be interested in your age.

I'm the opposite of a nonce.

You know a lot about
nonces, don't you?

You know what? I'm
gonna stop talking

because you're twisting everything
I say. Please just listen.

Because you're twisting everything
I say. Please just listen.

No. Listen to me, nonce.

Erm... I'm listening.

Hello? Oh, hello, sweetie.

Handling this all OK on
your own? Oh, thank God.

Handling this all OK on
your own? Oh, thank God.

Don't turn around.
Don't you turn around.

So check it out boss, baby...

We're gonna have a nice
calm chat for a second.

We're gonna have a nice
calm chat for a second.

Allison, you need to be
very, very careful, OK?

She has got a g*n. No, the
toddler has a nail g*n.

But I have an ACTUAL
g*n, so look...

But I have an ACTUAL
g*n, so look...

My husband here-Are you telling
me you married this perv?

Yes. I married this perv.

Well, perv is actually better
than nonce, so thank you.

My husband is doing a
simple bag exchange.

My husband is doing a
simple bag exchange.

We were sent by Kethan.

Oh. Why didn't you say so?

Did you not hear me shouting? You
didn't say where you were from.

Did you not hear me shouting? You
didn't say where you were from.

Jesus, Deacon! Didn't I?

That's like bag drop
rule number one.

OK, you guys can go.

Well, I've turned up
with a bag identical

Well, I've turned up
with a bag identical

to the one you're
waiting to swap.

How likely is that to be a
coincidence, you little psychopath?

What's your name?

I think we're past intros,
Allison. Let's just go.

I think we're past intros,
Allison. Let's just go.

Casey. Why?

Yes, why?

Casey, what are you doing here?

My Uncle Dave is
in the business.

My Uncle Dave is
in the business.

Now and again he gives me pocket
money to look after the place.

It's no biggy. Well,
how old are you?

Don't ask her that,
it's a trigger for her.

13.

13.

Casey, I know I don't
know you very well,

but you remind me
of my little sister,

and... you need to
look after yourself.

This is no place
for a kid your age.

This is no place
for a kid your age.

Yeah. You're right.

Thanks.

That's OK.

That's OK.

Uncle Dave?

Some pervs are trying
to steal your bag! What?

I knew it. She hates it
when you ask her age.

f*ck's wrong with you, little
b*tch? Allison, get the g*n.

f*ck's wrong with you, little
b*tch? Allison, get the g*n.

Where the f*ck would I get
a g*n? It's a stick, Deacon.

Who the f*ck are you?
Oh my God, run! Oh sh*t!

Run, run, run, run, run!

Run, run, run, run, run!

f*cking nonce. Come
here, you're dead.

I'm not a nonce!

Right, up here, come on.

"feet up, try to relax,

"feet up, try to relax,

I'll look after everything,
it'll be romantic"

You wanted to go the
castle, didn't you?

♪ JET: Are You
Gonna Be My Girl ♪

♪ JET: Are You
Gonna Be My Girl ♪

Come on!

Well, thank God there's not
many stair-free corridors

in this f*cking castle!

Come on. You go.

No, come on. But
I can't, I can't.

No, come on. But
I can't, I can't.

Hello. Oh, hello.

I was wondering if I
could speak to Deacon?

No, he's out.

No, he's out.

Oh, is he?

No, he's... sick.

I thought you said
he was out. Cold.

What? Out cold. He
can't speak, sorry.

What? Out cold. He
can't speak, sorry.

Bye!

Yeah.

They're not here. What do you
mean he's not here? He is here.

Can't see 'em. What do you
mean you can't see them?

I think they're giving up. But
we're gonna miss the ferry.

I think they're giving up. But
we're gonna miss the ferry.

Well, we'll get the next one.

Do you know what?

Do you know what?

What are you doing? Well...

Look, I said we were gonna
have a... romantic...

..and relaxing time.

..and relaxing time.

That's exactly what
we're going to do. So...

Got a nice view.
Got our own castle.

Got a nice view.
Got our own castle.

Yeah. And...

Yeah? Packed lunch!

Huh?

Huh?

Such a great guy.

Thank you for rescuing
me... back there.

Although it does sort
of prove the point

that you don't trust me to
sort sh*t out on my own.

Neither of us can
do this on our own.

Neither of us can
do this on our own.

I thought that's
pretty obvious by now.

No, you're right.

I mean, right now, your
tiny thimble of sperm

is being mixed with my
under-performing eggs

is being mixed with my
under-performing eggs

and we COULD be parents soon.
So, we have to work together.

No, I know. You're right.

You are right.

You are right.

This actually quite nice.

It really is.

I mean, if you block out
that we're being chased

I mean, if you block out
that we're being chased

by a psycho teen and
her g*ng of heavies.Mmm.

Then this is
actually quite nice.

Mmm. it really is.

Mmm. it really is.

I'm done, finished, finished.

Giving up? Yeah, come on.

"You've called Deacon.
Leave a message." Grr!

He's stupid!

Hello again. Hi!

I- I'm sorry about the, er...

I- I'm sorry about the, er...

Complete lack of
assistance or transparency?

Well, if you just
let me explain.

Nothing to explain. I'm done.

Nothing to explain. I'm done.

Really? Yes.

And I shall be taking over.

With staff withholding evidence

With staff withholding evidence

and one literally running away,

this has been escalated to an
official fraud investigation.

So you... shall be seeing
a lot more of me, Mr Bower.

So you... shall be seeing
a lot more of me, Mr Bower.

Good day.

Bye-ze-bye.

Bye-ze-bye.

Deacon's... disappeared.

Deacon's... disappeared.

You do. You do!

You run like a teenage
girl. I don't, no, no.

You run like a teenage
girl. I don't, no, no.

My running style is
perfectly normal, OK?

For if you're being
chased around a castle.

I'm absolutely- Maybe
it was the scream...

Oh, hold on. Oh, is
that Alfie again?

It's Kethan. Hello?

Well, you really put the curry
amongst the pigeons down there, innit?

Well, you really put the curry
amongst the pigeons down there, innit?

This isn't my fault. OK? You could've
warned me about that psycho child.

Whole of Jersey basically
thinks I'm a sex offender.

Casey? Sh-She's a sweetheart.

Casey? Sh-She's a sweetheart.

Luckily for you, Uncle
Dave is an old friend

and I managed to clear the air. So
he don't want to k*ll you now, innit.

Well thank God for that.

Well thank God for that.

There is another issue. What?

I told you get the 2 o'clock
ferry. What time is it now?

Well, I don't know,
sort of 4 o'clock?

Shame you missed the early one because that
was the ferry where I paid off security.

Shame you missed the early one because that
was the ferry where I paid off security.

What?! I need
that bag, Deacon.

And they normally do bag
checks at Portsmouth.

So, you'd better
think of something.

So, you'd better
think of something.

OK. So, what am I
supposed to do? Hello?

Don't wanna know.

Bag, sir.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Oh my God, they're checking
bags. Pass me the bag.

Why? I wanna see what's in it.

Kethan told us not to look in
the bag under any circumstances.

Wake up, Deacon. This
is not Pulp Fiction.

Wake up, Deacon. This
is not Pulp Fiction.

We can't let Kethan constantly
dictate the terms. I've had enough.

If we get caught, we need to
know what we're dealing with.

Pass me the bag. Fine.

Pass me the bag. Fine.

Oh God!

Could be... legit?

Fine.

Now we know what's in the
bag, what is the plan?

Now we know what's in the
bag, what is the plan?

I have no idea. Oh, brilliant.

'Cause now I'm sh1tting myself more
than before we looked in the bag.

Can I look in the bag please?

Follow my lead.

Follow my lead.

You total piece of f*cking sh*t!

Um... Do you have
any idea how it feels

to be injecting your body with
progesterone day after day?

To be injecting your body with
progesterone day after day?

And all I needed
was a little rest

and instead, you take me
on a day trip to old Jersey

with eight hours of ferry rides,
when you KNOW I hate boats!

With eight hours of ferry rides,
when you KNOW I hate boats!

Well... er...

Oh yeah, well, you know what? I-
I don't like living with Esme.

Oh yeah, well, you know what? I-
I don't like living with Esme.

Well, that... is unrelated to the
argument we're having right now.

But that just goes to show what
a total piece of trash you are!

Passports. Oh, sure.
Take my passport.

Passports. Oh, sure.
Take my passport.

You know, all I wanted from this
trip was some peace and quiet.

Whilst being tanked
up on hormones,

waiting to be inseminated
like a battery chicken.

Waiting to be inseminated
like a battery chicken.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Can I see your bag, please?

Oh, you know what? I'm sorry that whatever
I do isn't good enough for you, Allison.

You're always like, "Oh,
for f*ck's sake, Deacon.

You're always like, "Oh,
for f*ck's sake, Deacon.

You f*cked it up again, Deacon,

despite the fact I'm
a f*ck' as*h*le!"

I am not an as*h*le!
You do f*ck things up!

You're like, "Oh sorry,
babe. I've done it again.

You're like, "Oh sorry,
babe. I've done it again.

Woop, there I go
another mistake.

Please forgive me,
please Allison, babe."

I cannot believe you
did the f*cking eye!

I cannot believe you
did the f*cking eye!

f*ck you!

f*ck you! Oh, f*ck you twice.

Can you guys just take
your stuff and go?

f*ck you. Such an as*h*le.
f*ck you. f*ck you!

Get out of here. Oh,
this is a great trip.

f*ck you! Passport.Yep.

That was incredible.

You were incredible.
You too, we nailed it.

You were incredible.
You too, we nailed it.

Yes! Yes. Boom!

Erm... All that, erm... stuff
you were saying in the argument,

that was just to get us through,
right? That's just for the bit?

That was just to get us through,
right? That's just for the bit?

Yeah. Yeah. And you
didn't mean it either?

No, course not. I didn't mean
any of that. Yeah. Yeah, no.

We have the bag. Oh yeah.

We have the bag. Oh yeah.

And if you wouldn't mind
passing on one of the biggest

"f*ck you" s to your boss,
Kethan, I'd be extremely grateful.

She's joking. I'm not.

She's joking. No.

She's joking. No.

Kethan says he wants
your mother's number.

Tell Kethan I want
HIS mother's number.

Tell Kethan I want
HIS mother's number.

Ooh! Voicemail from the clinic.

Christ, I hope this
has all been worth it.

Go on?

Oh my God, Deacon, they've
fertilised five eggs.

Oh my God, Deacon, they've
fertilised five eggs.

Five!

Holy sh*t! That is amazing.

It's incredible.

We've got five...
baby... egg things.

We've got five...
baby... egg things.

Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna
get our hopes up, but maybe...

Oh, if that is
Kethan, you tell him

to take that bag when he
gets it, lube it up...

to take that bag when he
gets it, lube it up...

Come on!

♪ THE HEAVY: No Time ♪

♪ THE HEAVY: No Time ♪