01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

The following programme
contains strong language.

We robbed our boss, Al.

£50,000 in our bank account.

£50,000 in our bank account.

Well, it's bitcoin so it's
an offline digital wallet.

It's amazing- that's what's
gonna give us a baby.

Does he know the money's
missing? No.Great.

Does he know the money's
missing? No.Great.

Then why do you have that "I
came too quickly" expression?

Alfie, we need money.

We don't just have
money lying around.

1.2 million.

1.2 million.

The reason for this was for IVF,
not for bloody Prada handbags!

We might as well wear a sign saying,
"Oh hey Alfie, how you doing?

We might as well wear a sign saying,
"Oh hey Alfie, how you doing?

By the way, I just
robbed your company."

Oh, f*ck.

Alfie, I-I can explain.

Alfie, I-I can explain.

sh*t, Alfie. Alfie.

Alfie!

Alison, Alison.

We are f*cked.

Thank you so much for coming.

I don't think I could
handled this without you.

To be clear, this does
not mean we've made up.

I would settle for just not
going to prison, right now.

I would settle for just not
going to prison, right now.

OK, so our story is, we
came to take Alfie to work,

you were worried he
wouldn't wake up.

OK. What if he heard everything?
We might have to k*ll him.

What?

What?

Hi Alfie, w-we just
came to... Um...

Go.

Go.

Um, we've just come...
coming to take you to work,

cause I worried you
wouldn't wake up.

Cause I worried you
wouldn't wake up.

You OK, mate?

You've got a hell of a nerve.

YOU are meant to be my friend.

Um, A-Alfie...

You were the worst
wing man I've ever had.

You were the worst
wing man I've ever had.

S-Sorry, what?

I read somewhere, if you take
an ugly mate out with you,

he makes you look better
and helps you pull.

He makes you look better
and helps you pull.

Turns out your husband...

he's a walking vag*na repellent.

I know. What?

Right. So you didn't
overhear any kind of...

Right. So you didn't
overhear any kind of...

Deacon said he had
a wonderful time.

Oh yes, I did,
yeah. I had a wo-

It was a magical
night. Thank you.

It was a magical
night. Thank you.

Well, unless you want your wife to
see what a real c*ck looks like,

I suggest you piss off
and let me get dressed.

Yeah, sure. Absolutely, I don't want her
to see that. Thanks Alfie, cheers mate.

Your results so far
are encouraging.

How have you been
on the hormones?

Fine. I cried at a pigeon.

Fine. I cried at a pigeon.

Well, I thought he was
mourning his friend,

but he was eating him off
the road. But otherwise fine.

But he was eating him off
the road. But otherwise fine.

That's understandable. Your
body is going through a lot,

so you need to be understanding
of any mood swings.

What, hers or mine?

What, hers or mine?

It was... It was just a joke.

Yeah. Is there
anything else, doctor?

If you could just check in
with reception to settle up.

W-We have to pay now?

W-We have to pay now?

Just the first instalment.
Is... that a problem?

No. no, that's not.
No, no it's fine.

Thank you so much for your time.

How much have we got left on the credit
card after you went all Kardashian?

How much have we got left on the credit
card after you went all Kardashian?

Why can't we use the sh*t
ton of money we just stole?

Oh yeah, OK, we can.
We'll do that, yeah.

OK, absolutely. Hello. I
hope everything went well.

How are we planning
to pay, cash or card?

Um, we were wondering
if you accept Bitcoin.

Um, we were wondering
if you accept Bitcoin.

What?

Bitcoin.

You want to pay in coins?

We won't be able to pay today.

We won't be able to pay today.

Office, now.

Office, now.

Jesus Alfie. I-I'm just trying
to sort some bits out here.

So-Now!

I'm gonna level with you. We
are in a tight spot, Deacon.

I'm gonna level with you. We
are in a tight spot, Deacon.

Really, w-what do you mean?
Well, obviously, over the years

we haven't always played
by the rules exactly.

Sorry, why do you
keep saying "we?"

Sorry, why do you
keep saying "we?"

It's on all the accounts
that are run by you.

You know, them little
tricks we played,

putting up concrete
at 500 quid a litre.

What, so how much is
it then? £5 a litre!

What, so how much is
it then? £5 a litre!

It's not liquid f*cking gold.

But it's alright, I've
been through this before.

It's sorted.

It's sorted.

I've kept all the records of our
dodgy dealings on just one laptop.

Yours.

So, you just make sure
you don't give it to them.

So, you just make sure
you don't give it to them.

W-Who's "them?" Ah, with
all your f*cking questions.

I forgot to tell you, didn't I.

HMRC is sending some twat
down here to conduct an audit.

HMRC is sending some twat
down here to conduct an audit.

sh*t. That's her now.

You better do something
pronto about that laptop.

You better do something
pronto about that laptop.

Stop staring her up,
you're married.OK.

Right. Act casual.

Right guys, quick one.

We're just having a
little audit, yeah.

So, all I need for you to do is
give Janine everything she needs.

So, all I need for you to do is
give Janine everything she needs.

Obviously, nothing sexual.

Just joking.

Laptop, please.

Um, do you know what,
it's... it's at home.

Um, do you know what,
it's... it's at home.

It's at home? Yeah.

So, what have you
been doing today?

Well, I've been bloody looking for
the thing, do you know what I mean.

Well, I've been bloody looking for
the thing, do you know what I mean.

It's just... yeah,
what a nightmare.

It's now 3 PM and you're
saying you've been searching

for your laptop since
you got to work?

For your laptop since
you got to work?

Well, you know,
sort of on and off.

Like, not the whole time.
I-I-I cleaned my desk

cause I wanted to make my
workspace sort of, more efficient.

Cause I wanted to make my
workspace sort of, more efficient.

And then, um, I had lunch.

Been making stuff
from-from scratch,

so that took a little
longer. You don't care.

We're working out
of the meeting room.

We're working out
of the meeting room.

Please find it and
drop it in there. Sure.

Oh, and not that you would, but
don't try to delete anything.

We can recover deleted files.

No, I mean, I don't even know
how to delete files. I mean...

No, I mean, I don't even know
how to delete files. I mean...

I mean obviously I do, but
you know, I'm just saying

I wouldn't for the...

No!

No!

We're not the reason they're
investigating. It's only 50 grand.

In a property company
that's nothing.

Yes, thank God it's just 50
grand. So relax. I got a plan.

Yes, thank God it's just 50
grand. So relax. I got a plan.

What do you mean you've got a plan?
How do you know I don't have a plan?

I could have a plan.
OK, what's your plan?

Well, you seem excited about
your plan, let's hear yours.

Well, you seem excited about
your plan, let's hear yours.

Alright, so if we let the
auditors get your laptop

we are f*cked on two counts.

OK, feels more like stating the
f*cking obvious, but alright.

OK, feels more like stating the
f*cking obvious, but alright.

So, we need to destroy it.

Where is it?

Well, it's in my office drawer.

Locked?

Locked?

Well, I mean there is a lock on the
drawer, but I think it's broken.

You left something that could
implicate you in doctoring

company accounts UNLOCKED in
your personal office drawer.

Company accounts UNLOCKED in
your personal office drawer.

When you say it out loud with
that stank in your voice,

it sounds bad. But I just didn't
wanna get caught with it on me.

Alright, I'll deal with
the laptop tomorrow.

Alright, I'll deal with
the laptop tomorrow.

Smashing something up could
be good for my hormone rage.

But, please, please, will
you sort the bitcoin?

Oh, I will. And you know why?

I know you think you're some
sort of bad arse, but...

I know you think you're some
sort of bad arse, but...

Bad a*s. Badass.

I know that's how you say it,
but I can't say it like that-

Try.Badass.Yes.

Sounds mental. No.

Anyway, the point
is, I will sort it.

OK, I'll leave it
to you bad arse.

Please do, cause I'm a bad a*s.

Please do, cause I'm a bad a*s.

Lovely.

You're safe. Come in.

It's really nice of you
to let us join you guys.

No worries. It's nice to all
have a proper dinner together.

No worries. It's nice to all
have a proper dinner together.

How come you've
got so much food?

I always buy the 20
piece mega bucket.

It works out less than
40p a piece of chicken.

So, even when you chuck
half the chicken away,

So, even when you chuck
half the chicken away,

it still works out cheaper
than two value meals.

Wow.

Plus you get the extra bonus of
sort of attracting all the rats

Plus you get the extra bonus of
sort of attracting all the rats

and foxes to your bins
as well, which is good.

Yeah, yeah. I like foxes, too.

So Esme, how's the
job hunt going?

Well actually, I was doing
a bit of work for Jed.

Well actually, I was doing
a bit of work for Jed.

Really? Yeah, why is
that such a shock?

Well, um...

Well, um...

To be honest,

it's just not entirely clear
what it is that Jed does,

no offence Jed.
Oh no, it's cool.

No offence Jed.
Oh no, it's cool.

Just a little bit of this,
a little bit of that.

You know, drop off a car, pick
it up. It's just business.

It's quite a long
job title, isn't it?

Esme, you are so bright,
you could do anything.

Esme, you are so bright,
you could do anything.

You need to get a proper
stable job with prospects.

You should be aiming so high.

To be fair though,

To be fair though,

the stolen car game,
it's pretty solid.

My boss said it's the oldest
game in the book so, you know.

Wow, yeah that makes sense.

Wow, yeah that makes sense.

I mean Jed, do you know
what, I really feel like

you and Allison could be
best friends, you know.

It feels like you're
on that wavelength.

Kinda see things from the
same perspective. Yeah, yeah.

Kinda see things from the
same perspective. Yeah, yeah.

Don't you think, Allison?

Al, I was just thinking about our...
our little money laundering issue.

The one you said you'd deal
with and that's all in hand.

Yeah, that one. Erm...

But look, I might have
had a bit of an idea.

Can I stop you there, Deacon.
Does your idea have anything to do

Can I stop you there, Deacon.
Does your idea have anything to do

with the waste of skin cells
that is my sisters boyfriend?

Do you know what, I-I'll
explain it tomorrow.

It's quite complicated.
It's sort of algorithms...

It's quite complicated.
It's sort of algorithms...

Night Deacon. ..it's
quite Bitcoiny.

Goodnight.

It's really nice, you getting
to know Jed a little better.

He's a good guy.

He's a great guy.

What's that meant to mean?

Nothing. I'm saying
he's a really great guy.

Nothing. I'm saying
he's a really great guy.

Don't start. What?

I am agreeing with you.

I said Jed is a
really great guy.

I said Jed is a
really great guy.

Yeah, yeah, f*ck you.

Look, all I'm saying is,
find a job on your own.

Be independent. Make
your own decisions.

Be independent. Make
your own decisions.

You can't rely on a man, especially
one who's got nothing going for him.

Morning. Morning.

Have you guys got a
towel or anything?

Have you guys got a
towel or anything?

OK, not nothing.

Look, I told you I'd sort
it, and I have sorted it.

My Uncle Kethan is incredibly
well connected, so all good.

YOU have family
who's well connected,

YOU have family
who's well connected,

like criminally well connected?

Yes. What's so weird about that?

Alright, to be honest, I just
really need this to work out.

Alright, to be honest, I just
really need this to work out.

I don't think I can handle it if
I have to stop the IVF course.

No, I know. Thanks for
piling on the pressure.

It'll be fine,
alright. He's family.

It'll be fine,
alright. He's family.

He even helped my mum
sort out her passport.

Well kind of, but...
It'll be fine, right.

If you can't trust
family who can you trust?

Right.

Right.

Mr Kethan will see you now.

Come in.

Deacon, hello.

Deacon, hello.

Hi Uncle, thank you so
much f-f-for seeing us.

And you must be Allison.

Hi, great to meet you.

Hi, great to meet you.

Firstly, can I just say, wow.

Ahh. You look like a
movie star. Thank you.

She's a dead ringer for
Naomi Harris, innit?

She's a dead ringer for
Naomi Harris, innit?

I don't think so. You
mean Naomi Watson?

No.

I-I get Naomi Harris all
the time. Of course you do.

I-I get Naomi Harris all
the time. Of course you do.

So, how can your
good old Uncle Kethan

help you two love birds?

Well it's actually a
bit of a long story.

Well it's actually a
bit of a long story.

Make it shorter.

Oh right, OK. Well, we have
come into a bit of money.

£50,000.

Ooh! Congratulations.

Ooh! Congratulations.

Yeah. But it's on a
memory stick in Bitcoin.

Which Deacon didn't
realise would be completely

and utterly useless to us.

Yes, thank you very
much for that, Allison.

Yes, thank you very
much for that, Allison.

But basically the situation is,
is that in it's current state

it's kind of tainted, because

the-the manner in which it was
a-a-acquired, and obviously-

the-the manner in which it was
a-a-acquired, and obviously-

For God's sake. So we stole
50 grand to pay for IVF,

and I'm to my
eyeballs in hormones.

And I'm to my
eyeballs in hormones.

But now we may not be able
to pay for the IVF course,

'cause we don't know how to get the
money safely from whatever that is,

into our account. We just
really need you to help us,

into our account. We just
really need you to help us,

because, otherwise you're
gonna see Naomi Harris

have a full on breakdown in front
of this tiger in your office.

Hey, that's not necessary.
That's not necessary.

Hey, that's not necessary.
That's not necessary.

I can clean the money.

Oh, my God. Um,
thank you so much.

How's your mother?

How's your mother?

What? How's your mother?

Oh yeah, she's fine, yeah.

She still got that
nose piercing?

Um... Yeah.

As it's you, I can do it for 5%.

As it's you, I can do it for 5%.

Just leave me with
the memory stick,

and also give me
your account number,

and I'll send it in,
what, 5K instalments.

That's-That's great.
Thank you so much.

That's-That's great.
Thank you so much.

If anyone asks, you just have a
rich uncle who is very generous.

OK, great, thank
you. Just one thing,

we do need the first instalment
tomorrow, if possible.

We do need the first instalment
tomorrow, if possible.

Of course. Leave it with me.

Great, thank you. Look,
w-we-we appreciate this.

You know, I'm
actually impressed.

You can turn the amazement down
in your voice a bit if you like.

You can turn the amazement down
in your voice a bit if you like.

No, Deacon, well done.

Someone deserves a special
treat when we get home.

Hold on, are we
talking about sex?

Hold on, are we
talking about sex?

Oreos. Double stuffed.

While having sex? No.

OK, well I accept, but
I do have to actually,

I've just remembered I've got
to speak to my Uncle Kethan-

I've just remembered I've got
to speak to my Uncle Kethan-

I need to pass on a
message from my mum.

I'll be out very, very quickly.

Maybe like, you
know, buy some Oreos.

Kethan, I- This is
more than 50,000.

Yeah, I was just coming back to
say. Well, why didn't you tell me?

Well it's possible, and by
possible I mean absolutely certain,

Well it's possible, and by
possible I mean absolutely certain,

that Allison does not know.

I'm taking... I'm
taking ten percent.

Look fine, just please help me.

A-And please do not say
anything to Allison.

And dinner with your
mum would be nice.

And dinner with your
mum would be nice.

You're joking right?

Of course.

But ask her. Yeah, OK.

But ask her. Yeah, OK.

Just out of curiosity, how
long does it normally take

for a bank transfer to show up?

Kethan hasn't paid
the first instalment?

Not yet, no.

Not yet, no.

I know he's your uncle, but
how well do you know Kethan?

Well. OK.

Well, you know, quite well.

'Cause now he has all our money.

Yes.

Well, that's f*cking
depressing. Jesus, Alfie.

Now listen, we need to have
a really serious talk.Right.

We're both really worried that
you haven't handed in your laptop.

We're both really worried that
you haven't handed in your laptop.

You both are? I thought
I made it very clear

how seriously I was
taking this audit.

Now, you need to hand your
laptop in straight away.

Well, it's... it's gone.

That feels a bit suspicious.

Yeah, very suspicious.

Yeah, very suspicious.

Where's it gone to?

Well, I-I've lost it. I can't
really see it ever turning up.

Didn't I tell you. Deacon can be as
useless as unwashed wank blanket.

Didn't I tell you. Deacon can be as
useless as unwashed wank blanket.

Can't you, Deacon?

Yes, I can be as useless as
an unwashed wank blanket.

I have to warn you,

this could have very
serious consequences.

Very serious indeed.

I'm sorry you had
to see this. Janine.

I'm sorry you had
to see this. Janine.

You make me sick.

Thank you so much
for joining, Sally.

Always happy to help.

Always happy to help.

For f*ck's sake.

E-E-Excuse me, sorry. Yeah.

How can I help? Yeah, I
need to speak to Kethan.

How can I help? Yeah, I
need to speak to Kethan.

Who?

Um, Kethan. Kethan who?

Sorry, what do you mean?
Kethan. Y-Your boss, Kethan.

I spoke to him here yesterday.
I spoke to YOU here yesterday.

I spoke to him here yesterday.
I spoke to YOU here yesterday.

I'm sorry, I don't know
who you're talking about.

Have you got the
right Taj Mahal?

There is another Taj in
Reading town centre. Just...

There is another Taj in
Reading town centre. Just...

From when?

f*ck this.

Esme, I'm not waiting outside

my own-What the sh*t.

Can you not read the sign?

Can you not read the sign?

What is going on?

I think it's called
"getting my life together."

What are you talking about? You
are fist-f*cking a watermelon.

Have you not heard of ASMR?
It's for my only fans page.

Have you not heard of ASMR?
It's for my only fans page.

Oh, my God, you've
actually lost your mind.

Can I remind you that you are
the one that said I needed

to start making my own money?
No, I said you need to start

to start making my own money?
No, I said you need to start

making smart decisions. I
would argue that f*cking fruit

in your underwear is
not a smart decision.

Well, I earned £350 today.

Jesus, really? Yeah. Oh my
God, well maybe keep doing it.

Jesus, really? Yeah. Oh my
God, well maybe keep doing it.

Allison can I speak
to you in the, um...

b-bedroom, please.

Mm-hmm.

Hey. Hey.

Start again.

OK, what's the problem?

OK, what's the problem?

You're making that face
like on our date when-

Shat myself. Yes I know.

Look, I may need to come clean
about a couple of things, OK?

Go on. Well, it's possible
I don't know Uncle Kethan

Go on. Well, it's possible
I don't know Uncle Kethan

quite as well as I suggested,

and I'm starting to worry a
little bit that he may have...

taken the money.
No, he's your uncle.

Asian uncle.

Wh-What does "Asian Uncle" mean?

"Uncle" in Asian culture is
more like a term of respect.

"Uncle" in Asian culture is
more like a term of respect.

It's not actually an Uncle.

It's sort of any random brown man.
Like, I've got hundreds of them.

So, he's NOT your uncle? No,
and he's not answering my calls.

So, he's NOT your uncle? No,
and he's not answering my calls.

He's not paid the money in, and
he's also refusing to see me.

So hold on, you gave all our
money to a complete stranger?

So hold on, you gave all our
money to a complete stranger?

He's not a complete stranger. He
did date my mum once, to be fair.

But yes, he is a complete
stranger to me, but not to my mum.

He was quite handsy,
actually. Oh, my God.

It was all for nothing.
I can't handle this.

It was all for nothing.
I can't handle this.

The synthetic hormones
coursing through my veins

are struggling with
this new development.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, OK.
Look, it's not all for nothing.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, OK.
Look, it's not all for nothing.

I will sort it, OK. I-I
shouldn't have come back.

I've got it covered.
You can get the laptop

while I sort out Kethan...
OK. ..then we can

get into bed and have a nice
cry watching Toy Story 3, OK?

Get into bed and have a nice
cry watching Toy Story 3, OK?

Love you. Love you so much.

So, so much.

Allison. Sally, hi.
What are you doing here?

I forgot to pick up Alfie's
dirty shirts for dry cleaning.

Classic accountant
duties, right?

What you doing here?

I'm here just working on
our investment strategy

for the next five years. But shirts are
really important too, huh? Gotta run.

For the next five years. But shirts are
really important too, huh? Gotta run.

Bye.

Oh, you again. How can I help?

Oh, you again. How can I help?

Cut the sh*t. I need to
speak to Kethan, now.

No. Now.

Once again I don't know
who you're talking about.

Sure about that, are you? Yes.

Sure about that, are you? Yes.

Right. Cause it's just...

..feeling a bit...

feeling a bit funny in
my stomach, you know.

Feeling a bit funny in
my stomach, you know.

I'm trying to figure out
what it is. I don't...

I don't know what it is.
I feel really, like...

Jeez, it feels like a cement mixer
of just pure, unadulterated sh*t.

Jeez, it feels like a cement mixer
of just pure, unadulterated sh*t.

And I think it might be
because I've been eating here.

I hope you're enjoying your
food, cause you're gonna be

seeing it again very soon.Sorry.
Makes you sick as sh*t.

And it doesn't matter
which curry you have,

And it doesn't matter
which curry you have,

because they use the
same sauce in every one.

I've had that one, by the way.

Made me sh*t non-stop for
days. He's only joking.

That'll come straight
through you. Stop, please.

That'll come straight
through you. Stop, please.

I was sh1tting so much you
could've used me as a fountain.

That's enough. Do you know
what, I suggest all of you here

just go into your calendars,
write off the next month,

just go into your calendars,
write off the next month,

and just write "sh1tting."
It's incredible, this place.

You need to call it Satan's d*ck
cause that's what feels like-

Deacon. My boy.

Deacon. My boy.

Oh, hello, Kethan. Why did
no-one tell me he was here.

Sorry for the
commotion, everyone.

Um... Dinner's on the house.

Um... Dinner's on the house.

Deacon, what's this all about?

Right, well it's actually about
this whole money instalment thing.

Right, well it's actually about
this whole money instalment thing.

I said the money
would come today.

Right. That's exactly
the problem, it hasn't.

Check your bank. I only
checked it not that long ago.

Check your bank. I only
checked it not that long ago.

Yeah, OK.

Hold on, one sec.

Oh, right yeah,
it is actually...

Oh, right yeah,
it is actually...

I paid the first instalment
because I'm a man of my word.

Right.

Looks like you made a bit of an
arse of yourself tonight, innit?

Looks like you made a bit of an
arse of yourself tonight, innit?

Yeah, I-I'm sorry about that.

So, how about that number?

What, my-my mum's number?

Yeah, I can't see any...
problems with that.

See how this works?

I help you, you help me.

I help you, you help me.

And long may it continue.

That's what family's
all about, am I right?

Yeah, you're right, yeah.
Thanks, Uncle Kethan.

OK.

OK.

Oh, and pull a stunt
like this again yeah,

and I'll chop your d*ck off.

Do you f*cking work for me?
Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, Uncle.

Do you f*cking work for me?
Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, Uncle.

Yeah Mum, it's me. You're gonna
need to change your phone number.

Hey, how'd it go?
Well, I sorted it.

We've got five grand in our
account so, you'll be fine

We've got five grand in our
account so, you'll be fine

for the appointment
tomorrow. Wow, thank you!

You're welcome. I have
some more good news.

I managed to destroy the laptop.

By "destroy it" you mean...

By "destroy it" you mean...

I took the last few months of stress
and hormone injections out on it.

God, that sounds horribly
violent, but thank you.

God, that sounds horribly
violent, but thank you.

I think everything's
gonna be OK.

I hope so. Oh!

It's my trigger
shot. I'm too tired.

Can you stick it in and
hopefully I won't feel it.

Can you stick it in and
hopefully I won't feel it.

A bit like my last birthday.