01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains very
strong language from the outset

and throughout.

You definitely did it? No.

I left without making a
transaction. I'll rely on prayer.

I left without making a
transaction. I'll rely on prayer.

Of course I did it.
Everything OK your end?

Yeah. Sally fell for it.

I said triple-booking the
meeting room would work.

It was mayhem in there.

It was mayhem in there.

It's ridiculous. I don't know
how it happened. It's a mess.

And no-one saw you
at the Internet cafe?

And no-one saw you
at the Internet cafe?

No, I was careful.

Alfie's asking for
you. He's losing it.

I'm head of accounts. It isn't
my job to sort this sh*t out.

The whole office is in there.
It's really kicking off. sh*t!

The whole office is in there.
It's really kicking off. sh*t!

Sorry, Sally.

508906.

906.

50,000.

50,000.

Oh, get it out. I want to
see what 50 grand looks like.

Oh, get it out. I want to
see what 50 grand looks like.

There you go. It's less
exciting than I thought.

It's amazing to think that that's
what's gonna give us a baby.

It's amazing to think that that's
what's gonna give us a baby.

I have to go through
the ordeal of IVF,

a pregnancy and you're one squirt
from being done, but yes, sure.

A pregnancy and you're one squirt
from being done, but yes, sure.

We f*cking did it,
Deacon. £50,000.

1.2 million.

f*ck you, Alfie!

There is something I need to
tell you. If it's a speech about

how we can only spend
the money on IVF, I know.

But f*ck, we did it!
Celebrate for once. f*ck!

But f*ck, we did it!
Celebrate for once. f*ck!

Wa-hoo! f*ck! Yeah!

Go on. It feels amazing.

Go on. It feels amazing.

f*ck! Yeah!

Whoa! f*ck! sh*t!

Yeah, I've got money, b*tch.

Yeah, I've got money, b*tch.

Alright, let's go home and have
rich people sex.Absolutely.

Can I wear my hoodie while
we're doing it? Absolutely not.

Can I wear my hoodie while
we're doing it? Absolutely not.

Why can we never get a sh1tting
parking space on our street?

OK. Here's one.

OK. Here's one.

No, you're not
gonna fit in there.

Really? Really.

Prepare to find me
incredibly sexy.

Prepare to find me
incredibly sexy.

It's just about taking it
slow, but turning it hard.

It's just about taking it
slow, but turning it hard.

Before I get so incredibly turned
on again, I have a surprise for you.

Before I get so incredibly turned
on again, I have a surprise for you.

Yeah, what is it? Ta-da!

What the hell is that? Do I
actually have to tell you?

We agreed to be careful.
We talked about it.

We agreed to be careful.
We talked about it.

You told me to stop
going on about it,

because my whining was
making your vag*na hate me.

It was. But our
plan worked, Deacon.

We have £50,000
sitting in an account

We have £50,000
sitting in an account

or whatever crypto
sh*t is on that USB.

No-one knows the money's
gone. Just enjoy.

No, no. Not just
enjoy, OK, Allison.

No, no. Not just
enjoy, OK, Allison.

This is when people get
c*ck and get caught.

What people? Well, it's
working in Goodfellas, OK?

But the point still stands,
alright? It's not good.

But the point still stands,
alright? It's not good.

It's one bottle of champagne to
celebrate the start of our family.

This is our dream.
Yeah, OK. I know. Fine!

This is our dream.
Yeah, OK. I know. Fine!

OK, because of this
"just enjoy" chat,

I'm gonna have to start this
all over again. Thank you.

I'm gonna have to start this
all over again. Thank you.

Does that parking thing mean
you won't have sex with me?

Yeah, I will. I'll
just respect you less.

I told you we should have champagne
flutes, because you never know.

I told you we should have champagne
flutes, because you never know.

It's gonna taste the same
out of a beaker. Hey, guys!

Esme. I wondered
where you were.

You're back. I thought
you were at a festival.

You're back. I thought
you were at a festival.

Oh, this is Jed. Say hi, Jed.

What's good? Hello.

A magic thing happened. I
was at this lame ska tent.

A magic thing happened. I
was at this lame ska tent.

I desperately needed a pee and
Jed lent me his pint glass. Ew!

It was a real meet cute. A cool
story that ends up with you

It was a real meet cute. A cool
story that ends up with you

and a stranger in our living room.
We're glad to have you back, Es.

Sure? I can leave you guys to it.
We're just getting a takeaway.

It's no biggie, is it, Deacon?
What? Oh, no. No biggie at all.

It's no biggie, is it, Deacon?
What? Oh, no. No biggie at all.

So great to have you.
We've nothing going on.

Great. Are you celebrating?
Well, no. No, we're not. No.

Great. Are you celebrating?
Well, no. No, we're not. No.

Then why the champagne?
It's Prosecco.

No, it is champagne, actually.

What are you celebrating?

What are you celebrating?

Well, we're... well,
should I just say?

Yeah. We're pregnant.

No, we're not. That is an
insane thing to make up.

No, we're not. That is an
insane thing to make up.

We got paid our bonuses
that we were promised.

Oh! That's sick, man.
Thanks, man. That is sick.

Oh! That's sick, man.
Thanks, man. That is sick.

Why were you trying
to hide that?

Because he's freaking out that if
he tells people, it'll jinx it.

He's a d*ck. Such a d*ck.
An absolute villain.

He's a d*ck. Such a d*ck.
An absolute villain.

Celebratory joint?

You know they gave us a joint

You know they gave us a joint

so they could bang in
the living room? 100%.

Think they'll have champagne
at the fancy IVF clinic?

They should for what it costs.

Think you should be drinking?
I'm about to start IVF again.

When that happens,
I won't drink,

so I intend on being drunk
pretty much until that moment.

So I intend on being drunk
pretty much until that moment.

I know we're celebrating,
but I do feel quite nervous.

This clinic basically
guarantees success.

This clinic basically
guarantees success.

It will be worth it? After all
we've been through, it has to be.

It's not fair.

We had a heartbeat.

I'm so sorry, Al.

You're right. We can't let
this be our last chance.

You're right. We can't let
this be our last chance.

Yeah? Yes. Yeah. No,
you're right. You're right.

Yeah? Yes. Yeah. No,
you're right. You're right.

You know, this could be the
beginning of everything.

It's amazing! Know what's amazing?
£50,000 in our bank account.

It's amazing! Know what's amazing?
£50,000 in our bank account.

Well, it's bitcoin. So it's
in an offline digital wallet.

You've made 50
grand sound unsexy.

I'm starting to feel guilty again
when I think about what we've done.

We've f*cking robbed our boss, Al.
Chill out. That man is a prick.

We've f*cking robbed our boss, Al.
Chill out. That man is a prick.

Thank you for
agreeing to see me.

I'm sorry we had to do it
in a cab but, you know,

a worker's job's never done.

Is the Oasis Spa and Massage
Centre on Cannon Road, mate?

Is the Oasis Spa and Massage
Centre on Cannon Road, mate?

Yes, mate. Back's f*cked.

Plus it's only a tenner
for a happy ending.

Plus it's only a tenner
for a happy ending.

It's about that bonus.
Let me stop you there.

I know where you're going with this.
You're gonna say, and you're right,

I don't praise you enough. It's
about the bonuses you promised us.

I don't praise you enough. It's
about the bonuses you promised us.

Deac, you are crushing
it right now, OK? Happy?

Deac, you are crushing
it right now, OK? Happy?

Yes. OK, thank
you. A nice chat.

Gonna get out, because we're
getting further from the office.

Alfie, we've talked
about it for ages,

but Allison and I really
do need our bonuses.

But Allison and I really
do need our bonuses.

Yeah. And I was
thinking the same.

Really? Really.

So, I got this for you guys.

So, I got this for you guys.

64 gigs.

That's 32 each. Thank me later
for saving your marriage.

Alfie, we need money. I'd love
to help you out, wouldn't I?

Alfie, we need money. I'd love
to help you out, wouldn't I?

But you know how the
property market is.

We don't have
money lying around.

All our money is sunk into
investments your lovely wife found.

All our money is sunk into
investments your lovely wife found.

Look, I promise you,
once the market picks up,

I'll see you both right, right?

I'll see you both right, right?

OK.f*cking hell, this is awkward.
Look, are you gonna get out here,

because I can't be thinking about
this when I'm getting a handjob.

Because I can't be thinking about
this when I'm getting a handjob.

Oh, sh*t, it's Alfie.

Oh, sh*t, it's Alfie.

What if Sally's seen the
transfer and told him?

Sally can't even operate the
meeting room booking calendar.

She'll never see it. Stop
worrying. Yeah, you're right.

She'll never see it. Stop
worrying. Yeah, you're right.

We need to talk.

We're f*cked!

Alright, so you're
gonna be cool. Uh-huh.

Alright, so you're
gonna be cool. Uh-huh.

You're gonna be calm. A
regular day. Let's go.

I can do this. We can
do this. Just relax.

I can do this. We can
do this. Just relax.

We talk normally and
everybody will be chill.

You don't have to tell me.

sh*t! What if he knows?

What if we walk in and he actually
f*cking knows? Jesus Christ!

What if we walk in and he actually
f*cking knows? Jesus Christ!

He knows you stole the money and he
wants to address it in office hours.

This is unbearable. Don't
worry. Relax. He can't know.

This is unbearable. Don't
worry. Relax. He can't know.

He might not know now, but he can
literally find out any minute.

Ssh. Ssh. Chill the f*ck out.
Yeah, OK. Yeah, sure. Thank you.

It's not terrible,
but it's not ideal.

It's not terrible,
but it's not ideal.

What have you done?

What do you mean?

Oh, well, it's yogurt.

Oh, well, it's yogurt.

I'd soak it. Yeah, thanks.

Sally, just out of curiosity,

how has Alfie been kind
of mood-wise and sh*t?

How has Alfie been kind
of mood-wise and sh*t?

Oh, he's fine, I think.

Was it the same fine?

What? Pick it up. Pick it up!

What? Pick it up. Pick it up!

Oh, no, you're right. I
actually hadn't seen him today.

Thank you so much, Sally. Am
I speaking to myself here?

Thank you so much, Sally. Am
I speaking to myself here?

You're the reason I blow 50 quid
a week on f*cking garbage dumped.

I've had enough of
your stupid face.

Get out of me office
and go get him for me.

Get out of me office
and go get him for me.

Um, Deacon, sorry to bother you, but
Alfie would just love a quick word.

Um, Deacon, sorry to bother you, but
Alfie would just love a quick word.

Oh, right. Yeah, sure. Did
he say what it was about,

because I've got a
couple of things... Now!

Because I've got a
couple of things... Now!

Yeah, but these can
probably wait. Thanks, mate.

Um, I can come back.

Um, I can come back.

You're looking well.

What do you mean?
What do I mean?

What do you mean?
What do I mean?

I said, "You're looking
well." Really? Thanks.

I'm trying to be a bit
healthier, eating a low fat...

I'm trying to be a bit
healthier, eating a low fat...

Do you care about this company?

Yeah, of course
I do. Yeah, yeah.

Would it matter to you
if it all went t*ts up?

Would it matter to you
if it all went t*ts up?

Yeah, I'd be really upset. I'd
be so ups... I'd be devastated.

Know I set this
company up from nowt?

Nobody handed it me on a
silver f*cking platter.

Nobody handed it me on a
silver f*cking platter.

I mean, of course, if I could
have f*cked my way to the top

I would in a heartbeat,
but I'm like you.

I would in a heartbeat,
but I'm like you.

This body is no bargaining tool.

So, what I did, I rolled up my
sleeves and I buried them in sh*t

So, what I did, I rolled up my
sleeves and I buried them in sh*t

and I pulled out every
opportunity coming to me.

And if anybody ever tried to
do anything to this company,

And if anybody ever tried to
do anything to this company,

you know what I'd
do to them? No.

You know what I'd
do to them? No.

I'd rip their f*cking throats
out and sh*t down their necks!

Alfie, I don't know what
exactly this refers to, but...

Alfie, I don't know what
exactly this refers to, but...

Is it possible to spend
132 quid on Wagon Wheels?

Um, yeah, I mean, I suppose
it's possible if you sort of...

Um, yeah, I mean, I suppose
it's possible if you sort of...

Everyone think I'm a
soft touch? Doubt it.

Then why are we spending £132
on Wagon Wheels? I don't know.

Then why are we spending £132
on Wagon Wheels? I don't know.

I think it might be because
Sally's quite, you know, nice.

Like, she's sort
of quite agreeable.

Like, she's sort
of quite agreeable.

And so, when people are
putting in the expenses claims

and the snack orders, I
think maybe, you know,

they take the piss a bit, I think.
That would be my best guess.

You know what? For once,
you might actually be right.

You know what? For once,
you might actually be right.

I need to fire Sally.

Hurry up!

What is the
emergency? Oh, my God!

I'm gonna be late
for the clinic.

I'm gonna be late
for the clinic.

So, I talked to Alfie. Christ!
Does he know the money's missing?

No.Great. Why do you have that
"I came too quickly" expression?

Well, I may have talked
him into firing Sally.

Well, I may have talked
him into firing Sally.

How the f*ck did you do that? It was
an accident. I said she was nice.

Realise if Sally goes they
might bring in an accountant

capable of spotting what we've done?
No, that hadn't occurred to me.

Capable of spotting what we've done?
No, that hadn't occurred to me.

I'm having a panic
about Strictly.

So, what did you do? I
agreed and got the f*ck out.

This is too much, alright? We
need to put the money back.

and I'm gonna cry. We're not putting
the money back. That is mental.

And I'm gonna cry. We're not putting
the money back. That is mental.

What if they spot it going in?

Think they just won't look
further? Oh, God, you're right.

We did this for a family.
We can't back out now.

You need to convince
Alfie not to fire Sally.

You need to convince
Alfie not to fire Sally.

I don't want to raise
our baby in prison.

Though some babies look
cute in orange. Gotta go.

You're going? I cannot be
trusted to handle this.

You're going? I cannot be
trusted to handle this.

Allison? Allison?

So, your previous attempts have
been NHS, is that correct? Yes.

So, your previous attempts have
been NHS, is that correct? Yes.

Did they tell you
your hormone level

and how that affected your
chances of conceiving?

And how that affected your
chances of conceiving?

I think they said we
had like a 30% chance.

Right.

Well, you don't have to
sugar-coat it. It's OK.

Well, you don't have to
sugar-coat it. It's OK.

Just give it to me straight.
I'm very difficult to upset.

Well, your ovarian
reserve is low.

Well, your ovarian
reserve is low.

Every month that ticks
by it will get worse.

To be honest, you'd be lucky to get
one or two eggs from the retrieval

and, even then, your eggs will
be of questionable quality.

And, even then, your eggs will
be of questionable quality.

Yeah. See how that
did not upset me?

Yeah. See how that
did not upset me?

If you have the funds, we have a
range of services that can help.

Though I do need to warn you,
once you have the first injection,

Though I do need to warn you,
once you have the first injection,

you are committed to the
full set of fees we sent you,

despite the low
chance of success.

Despite the low
chance of success.

Let's do it.

Why are we spending
hundreds of pounds on paper?

Why are we spending
hundreds of pounds on paper?

It's probably because
we're an office

and we need stationery.

Yeah. That makes
sense, actually.

Yeah. That makes
sense, actually.

What do you want?

Oh, well, I was thinking about our
conversation about Sally earlier.

Oh, well, I was thinking about our
conversation about Sally earlier.

Yeah, what about it? I was just
thinking that maybe you need to

just sort of just relax a bit.

Just sort of just relax a bit.

You know, like, you know,
things probably aren't as bad

as you think and, you know,
you maybe just need to chill.

As you think and, you know,
you maybe just need to chill.

For f*ck's sake, if you
want to go for a drink

after work, then just say so.

What?

What?

OK. But I choose the
venue. 8pm, Bar Zero.

You are absolutely right.
We need to get sh*t-faced.

So, how did it go? Great.
I had my first injection.

So, how did it go? Great.
I had my first injection.

Did he say it was all looking good?
What did he say our chances are?

Great. They're the best in
the business. It's fine.

It's very exciting, isn't
it? It's a little bit teary.

It's very exciting, isn't
it? It's a little bit teary.

It's kind of our next chapter.

I'm also quite angry with
you, because thanks to you,

I'm also quite angry with
you, because thanks to you,

I have to spend the
evening with Alfie,

to talk him out of
firing Sally. So...

thank you and... f*ck you!

Thank you and... f*ck you!

What can I get you? I'm OK
for the minute, thank you.

What? Are you taking the piss?
We'll have a bottle of vodka.

What? Are you taking the piss?
We'll have a bottle of vodka.

Alfie, vodka is £300
a bottle here, mate.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

Bring us two bottles, yeah,
and a nappy for baby boy here.

Bring us two bottles, yeah,
and a nappy for baby boy here.

Alfie, I can't afford £300
for a bottle of vodka.

It's on me, as in
on the company.

It's on me, as in
on the company.

Yeah. No, I got that. I
thought money was tight.

Well, it is. But this
is a legitimate expense.

Well, unlike Wagon Wheels?

Well, unlike Wagon Wheels?

Are you trying to be
smart? What? No, no.

You've got something
you want to tell me?

No. No, not at all. No.

No. No, not at all. No.

Right. Well, then, let's
get bladdered, yeah?

I started at lunchtime, so
you've got catching up to do.

Alfie, there was actually one
thing about Sally. Oh, here we go.

Alfie, there was actually one
thing about Sally. Oh, here we go.

I was thinking that firing
Sally isn't the best idea.

Why? Well, it's just you don't
exactly play by the rules yourself.

Why? Well, it's just you don't
exactly play by the rules yourself.

What? Well, it's just
that, you know...

No, I don't know.
Calm down, p*ssy boy.

No, I don't know.
Calm down, p*ssy boy.

I'm not gonna fire
Sally. Oh, thank God!

I have sacked that Wagon
Wheeling c**t in HR.

I have sacked that Wagon
Wheeling c**t in HR.

He cried a bit.

This is fun. Just me and you
getting boozed up at home.

This is fun. Just me and you
getting boozed up at home.

It reminds me of being a kid.

Esme, you drank both those
bottles, but this is fun.

Why do you look worried? Shouldn't
we be celebrating your bonuses?

Deacon's not one
for celebrating.

Deacon's not one
for celebrating.

That's why I tell you sisters
are better than husbands.

And by sisters, I mean
me. Yeah, I got that.

Deacon's worried about
the whole IVF process

Deacon's worried about
the whole IVF process

and he's been looking after
me. It's really sweet.

You mean a man controlling your
money and your womb. Totes sweet.

Well, if you believe our new doctor,
my womb is barely worth controlling.

Well, if you believe our new doctor,
my womb is barely worth controlling.

God, really? He was brutal
about our chances of conceiving.

What did Deacon say? Oh,
no, I can't tell him.

What did Deacon say? Oh,
no, I can't tell him.

We've done all
this to get a baby

and my body might be the
thing that f*ck it up.

What do you mean "all this"?

What do you mean "all this"?

We're not Bonnie and Clyde,
Allison. We can't do this.

Let's just save up and
try a cheaper clinic.

That clinic was above
a Chinese takeaway.

That clinic was above
a Chinese takeaway.

If you like your insemination
with spring rolls, it's brilliant,

but we're running out of time. We
have to go to that posh clinic.

But we're running out of time. We
have to go to that posh clinic.

Maybe I can get one more
loan and get another round.

Oh, no! What the f*ck? Deacon, we
have more chance of getting money

Oh, no! What the f*ck? Deacon, we
have more chance of getting money

from one of those
Nigerian Prince emails.

You said so yourself. He
doesn't know the accounts exist.

Well, it doesn't matter.
We cannot do it, Al.

Well, it doesn't matter.
We cannot do it, Al.

Whatever happened to "You're right.
This cannot be our last chance"?

I knew you'd hold
that against me.

I knew you'd hold
that against me.

Just going through our bonuses.

I should be looking after you.
You're always looking after me.

Apart from when you abandoned
me and moved to Berk-shire.

Apart from when you abandoned
me and moved to Berk-shire.

You've been here six
months, Es. It's Berkshire.

Anyway, let's have some fun,

like before you shacked
up with Mr Sensible.

Like before you shacked
up with Mr Sensible.

What are you doing?

Someone needs to engage in some
very non-complicated retail therapy

because, one, I think you
need some fun, and two,

because, one, I think you
need some fun, and two,

it's your bonus and you can
spend it on what you like.

And three, I cannot listen to
you moan for another second.

Ah, I have always
wanted one like that.

Do it. Do it. Do
it, do it, do it.

Do it. Go on. Oh, my God!

Do it. Go on. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Go, go, go, go,
go, go! Oh, God!

Oh! It's Deacon.

Have you lost your
mind? That's nice.

Why am I getting alerts
from our credit card?

Why am I getting alerts
from our credit card?

Because you inappropriately set
up spending alerts on your phone.

Oy, come back to the party.
We're playing Strip Twister.

Yeah, I'll be out
in a sec, mate.

Yeah, I'll be out
in a sec, mate.

Listen, Allison, the reason
we did this was for IVF,

not for bloody Prada handbags.

Did you go back to Alfie's
house with a bunch of skanks?

Did you go back to Alfie's
house with a bunch of skanks?

You know very well I don't
want to be with skanks

and I'm doing what it takes.

While you're at home online
shopping, I'm sent to prison.

While you're at home online
shopping, I'm sent to prison.

Don't be a drama queen,
it's just a handbag.

Just a handbag? It's
£1,400, Allison.

I hope it comes with 1,300
quid's worth of cash inside it.

I hope it comes with 1,300
quid's worth of cash inside it.

Esme said you'd freak out. She's
f*cking psychic, then, isn't she?

Or just predicting how any sane
person would react in the situation.

Or just predicting how any sane
person would react in the situation.

Are you calling me insane?
I'm not calling you insane.

It's just f*cking reckless, Allison.
You wear that bag into work,

It's just f*cking reckless, Allison.
You wear that bag into work,

you might as well wear a
sign saying "Oh, hey Alfie.

By the way, I just
robbed your company."

Hello?

Hello?

f*ck!

Oh, f*ck!

♪ Cos I'm the big bad
wolf ♪ What you say?

♪ I'm the big bad
wolf ♪ What you say?

♪ I'm the big bad
wolf ♪ What you say?

♪ I'm the big bad wolf

♪ I'm blowing down
your neighbourhood

♪ What you say?

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ What you say? ♪

♪ What you say? ♪