04x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

(police sirens)

- [ANNOUNCER] Coming up:

(intense music)

A pressure cooker in a lift.

- Out, now!

- [ANNOUNCER] Kettling on the streets.

- The cow! The cow!

(laughing)

- [ANNOUNCER] And a grilling in the station.

- So basically what you're saying is friends

don't go out with each other.

- That's kind of what I'm saying.

- [ANNOUNCER] Another day in the kitchen

for the cooks who catch the crooks.

The lean, mean crime reducing machine.

- Where's the wheels? Where's the wheels?

- [ANNOUNCER] This is Scot Squad.

(energetic guitar intro)

(loud traffic noise)

When criminal rubbish piles up in the gutter,

one man's not afraid

to take out the trash without taking any snash.

- And are there any other advantages to police elephants?

I've got two words for you. Water Cannon.

- [ANNOUNCER] Scot Squad numero uno supremo,

Cameron Miekelson.

- There's a saying once a radge always a radge.

I don't agree with that.

Even though I coined that phrase.

Everyone should be given a second chance.

Just like think of, you know Paul 'the Devil' Devlin.

Remember the granny tickler? Yeah.

He's turned his life round.

He runs Devlin's, doorknobs in Morningside.

Yeah, I've used them. Not cheap, but I used them, yeah.

He reno'd the whole downstairs.

So, everybody give him a second chance,

which is why we've got a new campaign. Here we are.

Shifty .

Now how clever is that?

Don't answer it's rhetorical, but I'll tell you very clever.

You see 'shifty'

word play,

you can shift,

but also you're shifty.

You can shift away from being shifty.

And , which is around.

So you're gonna turn your life around. Yeah. Starting here.

Turn it around to...

well you go all the way around, I suppose, don't you?

If you're , should that be ?

This is actually, say once a radge always a radge, isn't it?

'cause you're a radge. Then you go all the way around

to being a radge again.

So that's the wrong, ah, it should be shifty .

Damn it.

Yeah. I don't think

once a radge always a radge

is the message we want to give.

- [ANNOUNCER] Scotland's petrolhead's

must be monitored .

- We should be looking out for folk, you know,

driving with ice pop in the heat.

- [ANNOUNCER] So PCs Surjit Singh

and Hugh McKirdy, constantly run on high alert,

focused and fully fueled up.

- Wants a bit a Bombay mix?

- Not for me - Wee bag of Bombay mix.

(bag pops) Oh shi--

Oh no, sorry, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.

(Hugh sighs)

- That actually is howfing.

- Right, well, what we'll do is we'll just go to the valet

round the corner.

There's a valet just round this corner.

- Do you know what happens every time we go to the valet?

- Years ago in the police, we had people in house

that would clean the police cars.

And these days we need to resort

to going a independent car, valet service people.

We're finding that sometimes they're no the friendliest type

of people to deal with.

They think we're there to try and see for pin attacks,

if they're money laundering.

- [SURJIT] Come on. No, no, no, no.

- Ah, come on boys.

we just want a valet.

Because these car service people, the valet people

have got this fear of the police.

We sometimes have to do it ourselves.

(hoover vacuuming loudly)

Obviously we would happily pay to do.

So, we don't need to do ourselves.

- Enjoyin' that?

- What? - Enjoyin' that?

If your car or your uniform is dirty.

If it's messy, if it's, if it's sticky, if it's slovenly,

if it's lazy, if it's...

it's a representation of who you are.

So you have to make sure that it is of a high standard.

- Absolutely, aye. Absolutely.

(energized music)

(traffic zooming)

- [ANNOUNCER] For city cops, Jack McLaren

and Sarah Fletcher, when a crims in flight,

they bring the fight.

(door crashing open)

(police sirens blare)

- [JACK VOICEOVER] We were givin' chase to this shoplifter.

- [SHOPLIFTER] Aye, I don't--

- [JACK VOICEOVER] I chased him into a lift.

- [SHOPLIFTER] Help me! - [JACK] Take your bags down.

Put your bags down. Put the bags down.

(elevator creaks and bangs)

(shouting) Sarah?

I think it's stuck.

I'd caught 'im, but then we're in a

almost a hostage situation.

- It developed quite quickly into Jack's anxiety flaring up

Sarah, I don't like this.

- I'll go and call like the maintenance guy.

Remember the breathing course?

- I was more anxious to get him

to the station-- - Fear of small spaces.

It's in through your nose

and out through your mouth.

- I know, I know. But he's stinking.

And if I breathe in, it's making me feel sick. Sarah.

Sarah, seriously, you there?

- Right, remember in through your nose

and out through your mouth.

I've called the maintenance guy. He's on his way.

- [SHOPLIFTER] Sarah, he's getting violent with me.

He's panicking and he's touching me.

- I'm not touching anything.

- Breathe in and out. You breathing Jack?

- Stop moving about. Aye, I'm breathing.

- Good, good boy. Good boy.

- [SHOPLIFTER] I need the toilet. Oh God.

- Sarah, he needs a toilet.

I was concerned that he'd maybe defecate.

That was the real fear.

In case it, it was maybe a number two coming.

- You all right?

- I'll be better once I'm out here.

- It's pretty claustrophobic

- (shouting) Shut up about being claustrophobic!

- Jack he's here! Fantastic.

- What happened? - It just gobbed.

My colleague has serious anxiety. Gets very panicked.

(Repairman mumbles) - How long do you need, mate?

It did feel like had I been stuck?

You're starting to look at your options.

I mean, what will you drink?

There's not much, you know, in very, very extreme cases,

you'd probably need to eat 'em.

But there wasn't much eating on him.

He was quite a slim fella.

- It was less than half an hour.

(elevator door slides open)

(Jack gasping for air)

- Hey, you. Out now.

The most important thing is

that we caught the shoplifter.

He's been charged, processed

and now he's actually in the jail

- Out in the fresh air Jack.

- So he will be spending at least three months

behind bars in a very tight enclosed space with,

with not fresh air like we have now, thankfully.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

- [ANNOUNCER] Criminals can't evade capture

by hiding on the net.

'Cause Investigator Archie Pepper is the net

that nets the nets' big bad fish.

- Capturing a female criminal is a bit different

to capturing a male criminal, actually.

Women tend to be more discerning.

Basically when I'm trying to lure women

in a professional capacity,

I've gotta create like the ultimate package.

Like the ideal man. Chosen the name Mark

who hates a mark.

Like Mark is like the beige of names.

You'd like your sister to go out with a guy called Mark.

Wouldn't you? You want 'em to be rugged

but also you want 'em to be sensitive.

Interests? I like MMA.

I also like long walks in the country.

Favorite films? The Notebook, White House Down.

Pigeonhole me, I dare you.

It's almost got a % success rate actually

using dating apps and websites.

'Cause if you think about it, I mean people are stupid

and if you throw dating into that mix,

they're stupid and horny.

I say nearly, it's nearly a hundred percent.

It's gone wrong once.

That was when I accidentally mixed up my

work phone and my personal phone ended up going to

Nando's with a woman wanted on major fraud charges.

Which is a shame 'cause I thought we really had a spark.

(dramatic music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar agrees.

The dedication to duty often means a dereliction

of the heart.

- As a police officer, obviously it's more challenging

to have a social life.

It's difficult to meet people on a one-to-one basis.

So I have been dabbling in some online companionship,

friendship sort of activities.

Just dipping my wee pinky toe in there.

Not dive bombing off the side at all.

No petting in the pool as yet.

(metallic bang)

- Officer Karen, Officer Karen.

- Hello Bobby. What can we do for you today?

- I found you.

- Well, I'm where I usually am to be honest.

So it's not as difficult as you would expect.

- I got a dating app, right? And it's free on my phone.

And look, look who I found.

- That's an unusual situation

that we find ourselves in here, isn't it Bobby?

- 'Cause see at the end of the day,

I want a girlfriend, right?

But we are pals and if I swipe left

and give you a knockback,

I don't want you to fall out with me.

But then see if I swipe right

and it matches, are we gonna go out on a date?

I mean I know you're like, you can't eat bread and stuff,

but I love pizza and I don't think that's gonna work.

I mean if you, I'll wait outside and eat pizza. Like...

- That's very kind of you.

But there's a lot of rules obviously

that police officers have to live by.

And one of the core ones is not to fraternize

with any members of the public.

- So basically what you're saying is

friends don't go out with each other.

- That's kind of what I'm saying.

Police officers can't really interact with

members of the public

at all. - Friends don't go out

with friends because when they go out

with each other it gets awkward

because they were friends before.

- Yeah, exactly - Exactly like us.

- If you swipe left, then I suppose

that will solve you all those

problems right there, won't it?

- And give you a knock back.

- I'll take it on the chin, Bobby.

- Okay.

- Have you been getting many matches?

- No, but like, I don't know if my phone's broke,

but nobody's matching me yet.

- Maybe you need to be looking for people

that share more of your hobbies.

You know, maybe you're looking for people that have more

of an interest in--

- Cinema.

- Cinema. - Eating pizza.

- Pizza eating.

- That's what it says in my bio.

"Hello everyone. My name's Bobby Muir. I enjoy eating pizza.

I'm looking for someone to go to the cinema with.

If we go out and you're my girlfriend,

I need to be back for half nine

because Uncle Jeffrey needs a bath."

Do you know what I think it might be Officer Karen?

I think it might be the signal.

So I'll go back home and then get a better signal

and I'll keep swiping right, right?

- Good luck to you, Bobby.

And I hope that somewhere out there is the perfect

lady to match you.

- Thanks for wishing me luck, right, Officer Karen.

And good luck getting a boyfriend as well.

- Thanks. - See you later.

- See you later. Bobby. (door slams)

- Social media and the like

has led to a rise in vigilantism.

People getting together online forming groups,

setting honey traps and catching criminals,

arresting them and delivering them to us.

Well I'm here to say to you, do not do that. Okay?

Because it is wrong. However helpful it is for us

to get up in the morning and find a bunch

of criminals bagged up on our doorstep.

Okay? Do not do it.

Against the law.

I get the point of the vigilantes.

You're a bin man, someone knocks on your door,

and says "You stay in bed. I'll go and do your round."

You're thinking great.

There's no downside. But no,

that's a highly trained bin man.

And you can't do his job.

Just as vigilantes can't do ours.

There's no such thing as a vigilante brain surgeon

for good reason.

There's a skillset that only we have.

So if you're in Scotland, and you're thinking

of getting online at bang-em-up.co.uk

forward slash Scotland.

Then don't, it's against the law. Don't do it.

Even though there's very little I can do to stop you.

- [ANNOUNCER] Plain clothed detectives, Megan Squire

and Andrea McGill are well organized

to take down organized crime.

(car door slamming)

- He looks like a druggie don't he.

- Totally.

- [ANNOUNCER] The Queen's of questioning

get set to quiz a kingpin.

- We're gonna bring in Wee Kev Hannigan

and we could not wait to tell him face to face

that we're gonna be arresting all of their assets

that they had acquired through proceeds of crime.

- Well, when we get into that interview room,

we pretty much get the shock of our lives.

(squeaking door open) (babbling baby)

- Are you Mr. Henderson?

- Yes, I'm Mr. Hannigan's legal representative.

- [ANDREA] For Wee Kev, Kevin Hannigan?

- Big Kev, Kevin Hannigan.

- Big? No, Wee Kev, Wee Kev? We're--

- This is Big Kev. Wee Kev's son.

- It was no Wee Kev, it was actually Big Kev.

Now I know that can sound confusing,

but think of a Big Kev but being wee.

We are here to seize the assets

of Wee Kevin Hannigan.

We have a court order from the judge.

- Yes. Well the assets are held

by big Kevin Hannigan.

- Hiya, hiya! - Yes, I know, I know.

- Are you trying to tell me that this is Big Kevin Hannigan?

- Yes, this is. - Big Kev.

(baby babbles and giggles)

- Yeah. I would advise you not

to say anything at this precise juncture.

- Wee Kev, who's actually the bigger one,

had transferred the assets to Big Kev, who's the wain.

- So, like the house?

- Yes, the house, - The cars,

- The car. - The gold.

- Yes. All, all of these--

- The lion's in the garden. You're telling us

that everything is now owned under Big Kev.

- Yes.

- We had to just dry our tears and get on with it.

Is your client,

maybe I should talk directly to the client, is that okay?

Are you aware that you are being interviewed about very

serious crimes?

You a bit of a blank look there, no?

- For the purpose of the tape,

Big Kev gave a long blank look.

Yeah. - No!

- [ANDREA] No? - [MEGAN] No you didn't.

That was a no, to be fair, that was a no.

That has to be noted down.

- We went quite hard on the baby

and I know that might be, you know, we might be

criticized for that.

- Yeah, but we've gotta treat

the baby like everybody else.

That's their defense there isn't it?

- Go hard or go home.

Is your daddy a big drug dealer?

- [MEGAN] Is your daddy a bad man?

- Kevin, I would advise you not to answer the question.

(baby babbles) - [ANDREA] Hi!

- Stop trying to to be cute.

It's not gonna help you here in this situation.

- I know but-- - Well, we are just going to

terminate the interview and we will be returning.

- [ANDREA] He was cute the baby

- And he knew when to keep his mouth shut as well.

I'll say that for him. Yeah, he'd been well trained up.

There's a baby in there. An actual baby. An actual baby!

- [ANNOUNCER] Young and old. Meek and bold.

All callers go to Maggie LeBeau.

- Okay, you're calling to report

a cow loose on the motorway.

Could you give me an exact location of the cow?

She's driving you to Perth.

- [ANNOUNCER] She wants to get it right,

so she needs the right info to do

right right, right?

- One thing I would ask is

that you make sure the name is correct on your buzzer

because it's the most frustrating thing.

You know, I'll have someone on the phone whose name is

Norman McKenzie,

but when the officer arrives no such name on the buzzer,

I'll ring them back and they'll say, oh yeah, I'm the one

that says Edna.

I mean, who's Edna? Edna died years ago.

The least you could do is change your name card.

So my advice would be change the name card to your own

or change your name to Edna.

(traffic zooms)

- [ANNOUNCER] Ken Beattie is a cop on the up.

This one time volunteer is getting to grips

with full-time beat patrol.

- I've been collecting this blue tack

for five years now. Can you believe that?

- [ANNOUNCER] Fishing out the iffy and sniffing out sleaze.

- Just recently, I was on my beat.

I was walking past the hedge

and I seen something poking outta it.

For goodness sake.

Just pure litterin'.

It was one of these magazines that is full

of, you know, the ladies.

Cheeky girl?

That's terrible. I shouldn't have it out in public.

Oh God.

Attractive ladies.

But still, nonetheless it's indecent.

You know, you should be able to walk down the street

and not have a in your face.

You know, no one wants that.

There's a b*mb of (mumbling) in this bush.

This is beside a park.

I continued along the hedge

and there was more, it was like a Easter egg hunt,

but instead of eggs, there was boobs.

(Ken mumbling)

(magazines dropping to floor)

Very, very uncomfortable with with the whole situation.

And I ended up with, with a massive pile of of porn.

This is actual police Constable Kenneth Beattie.

I've picked up quite a substantial amount

of sensitive information.

(muffled radio chatter)

Porn, I've got a lot of porn.

Two young gentlemen approached me.

Boys. Yep. Morning, out here.

- One, just one? Come on. - No, no.

Then two older women approached me. Morning, ladies.

- Don't get that here. This area's a nice area.

They don't have to things like that here.

- [KEN] I thought so too.

Hey, hey! Boys, boys, no! Back!

- [Lady] See this is what happens.

See that's your fault. If you hadn't kept saying--

- No, it's actually your fault for distracting me, okay?

Back-up finally came, thankfully.

See, there they are there.

And we got the magazines into the car

and transported them back to the station.

(car engine roaring)

I checked the evidence lockup and they're all gone.

Hopefully they've been burned

because a world does not need filth like that in hedges.

Filth like that belongs on internet.

- This is my favorite new gizmo.

The recordable pen. So there you are.

If you're out in about and you have a great idea,

you just press record, takes it all down for you.

So you go "idea catch a lot more criminals."

That's just, that's just an example. That's not an idea

I've just had, that's been the policy for many years.

But I can pull you back a couple.

I've been out and about this week. Here's one.

(opera singing from pen)

Oh no, just I was just testing it out.

That's not actually one,

- [RECORDER VOICE] Idea for novel. The Cameronson Identity.

- Oh, The Cameronson Identity

character called Michael Cameronson.

And he remembers fine well who he is.

But everyone else in the world has forgotten who he is.

I think that'll be quite exciting. So there you are.

Point is, it's a wonderful gizmo and I'm very happy with it.

And of course I know what you're

thinking what if the batteries run out.

No problems. You have a good idea. You just write it down.

(upbeat music)

Sorry.

Buy ink

for magic pen.

- [KAREN] Yeah, if you can just bring in

a picture of your brother (loud crash)

- Police dogs. Police dogs Officer Karen.

Hurry up. Come on.

- I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming, Bobby.

What can we do for you today?

- Serious police business here.

- Okie dokie, I'll get my special pad. What have we got?

- I was up in the field

and we were all having a laugh on the scaffolding.

But see when I got up to the tap, the scaffolding snapped.

Are you all right?

- Sorry. Scaffolding.

- Scaffolding broke.

- Scaffolding broke.

And whereabouts was this?

I have to ask, can't help noticing you've made quite

an interesting fashion choice today.

- New jacket.

- Are they to go wear your jacket then your glasses?

- That's how I broke my glasses. I fell off the scaffolding.

- Right, so you just borrowed some

glasses off someone so you can get 'em fixed?

- No, no, no. I picked a new pair. Trendy.

They were upgraded. Unisex glasses,

Officer Karen % man and % woman.

- Just %. - Yeah.

- What I'll do, Bobby, I'll send a couple officers up

to have a look, but I would say you really shouldn't be up

playing on scaffolding.

- So you'll sort the scaffolding out.

- I will definitely get some

people to go up and have a look at 'em.

- And I look All right in my glasses.

- You look gangster.

- That off. Cheers, Officer Karen.

'Cause you know what it's like. I mean,

I know you have no good glasses,

but see when you get like a new pair

of shoes or something, you're up here buzzing.

- Yeah, - Well that's what it's like.

It's like shoes for your face.

- And that's what's good about it

Bobby, is that you're enjoying 'em.

So you go out and you enjoy your day in your new glasses.

- Right? Cheers Officer Karen and see you later. Right?

(door slamming) (glasses shattering)

Oh.

- Oh, you all right there, Bobby?

You alright?

- Where did the other bit--

(glasses hit ground) Oh.

Have you got any elastic bands?

- [KAREN] I would say to the Scottish public, get out there,

broaden your horizons, expand your interests,

maybe head out, see what's out there.

Far away. Right out as far as you can get.

(door slamming)

Unfortunately that message seems to be so popular

that some people have a desire to come back

and hear that message

repeatedly.

- [ANNOUNCER] Chief Miekelson

constantly recognizes excellence in the force.

- Ah, Archie.

- [ANNOUNCER] Today it's online wiz Archie Pepper.

- Just wanna say tremendous.

Well done. We're all very happy.

- Thanks - Because you're all over the

online stuff, aren't you?

(taps desk)

That's a lot of this stuff isn't it? A lot of

(Cameron whistles) - [ARCHIE] A lot of that.

- Excellent. One other thing I was ruminating the other day

in a theoretical world.

'Cause I know that the world you work in is online

as you've confirmed to me.

- Yeah, it's not theoretical.

- No, not your work.

But what I'm about to talk about is theoretical.

- Okay, cool.

- Say there's a gentleman who has a

lady friend in Berkshire, say.

It doesn't have to be Berkshire, it could be anywhere.

Important thing is she's not in the same place as he is.

So the relationship is conducted online. Okay?

Imagine this scenario. They're getting on very well.

It's late night, couple of drinks,

they send some photographs backwards and forwards.

This is what I look at. That's what she looks like,

back and forth.

Then they fall out.

Now question I'm saying is what happens

to those photographs,

particularly if the fella's in the public eye.

Maybe a,

a rockstar.

Could you find those photographs and lose them?

- In a theoretical world?

- And what sort of information,

theoretical information in this theoretical world

would you require?

- I just need the name of a couple of people.

- Yeah.

- Name a couple of online accounts, maybe.

- Online accounts, uh huh.

- An email address that'll probably unlock a lot more

information I could use. - Email address.

- Really that's all you need to get. And then you find...

- Yeah.

- Good. Okay. Well if that ever arises the need to do that,

I'm sure it won't--

- Will it? - I don't think so.

- [ARCHIE] Okay.

- But theoretically it could.

So take that with you and have a wee theoretical read

and then theoretically come back

and tell me theoretically what you've done about it.

- Okay.

(door opens) - [CAMERON] Well.

(door closes) (upbeat music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Scottish traffic lights.

Only three colors,

but regularly ignored by millions of motorists.

Anyone who goes when they should stop

will be stopped from going by Singh and McKirdy.

- The thing with red lights is

that they've been invented decades ago,

yet people still don't realize how to use them.

Red means stay stationary.

Green means go. Amber does not mean to speed up.

It means to stop.

It's simple as that and some people just don't get that.

So we had an incident where we pulled over a gentleman

who had blown through a red light.

- Excuse me sir. Can I just get you to k*ll that ignition

and we'll go to...

We'll get you to go to the side of the pavement, please.

(van doors slamming)

Excuse me.

- Yeah.

- Are you Artie from the Singing Kettle?

- Yeah. - Spout handle lid of metal,

what's inside the singing kettle?

- Were you a fan.

- I was a major,

major, major Singing Kettle fan.

Major Singing Kettle fan.

- Cilla's here too.

- You're kidding me on. - [ARTIE] No!

- Cilla? Cilla's here as well.

- [ARTIE] Yeah, she's with me.

- I was a big fan of Singing Kettle when I was young

and I got the chance to go on stage

when I seen them live when I was in primary three.

It was a pirate, it was the show with a pirates.

Yous were looking for volunteers to come on the stage.

- Yo h* h*, right.

So everybody, all the wains are busting

to get up on the stage.

Me, me, me, me.

I was lucky enough I got picked to go on the stage.

- You got up! - I go on the stage.

Right? So there I'm on the stage

with the pirate, ducking and nipping it like that,

having the time in my life, right?

Sits back, down after I've being on the stage,

you start looking for more volunteers, other volunteers.

- Yeah, the second half of the scene.

- I put my arm up again.

- Yeah.

- And I managed to get up on the stage again twice.

But backstage you were going,

you've already been up! Then I was on the stage with a,

with a pirate again.

And I was greeting because of ye.

(Hugh cries and sings) - But why did I say that?

Because somebody was denied the opportunity of coming up.

Think of all the children who didn't get on the stage.

- Yeah. Think of all the children who didn't get on stage.

- Do you ever come to a Singing Kettle show?

- I came. Yes I did.

- And did you get up on the stage?

- I never went up on stage.

I never got that chance.

- Yeah, you can't take that out on me.

- I was doing you a favor. I made you into a good citizen.

I gave you a row. You accepted the row.

I we bit of greeting maybe. But it stuck with you.

Look behind you.

- It's behind you.

(Hugh laughs loudly)

- The kettle, the kettle, the kettle!

Is that the new one?

- Do you want to open it?

- Aye!

- Spout, handle,

lid of metal.

What's inside the Singing Kettle?

(metallic lid opening)

- Okay. This will remind you of the show you were at.

- Put this on, this reminds me back to .

- And do you want one? - One for you.

- Wow. How's that look?

- (laughing) This is some buzz? Yeah.

Isn't it some buzz?

- The song? - Right.

♪ We're going ♪

♪ This way that way forwards and backwards ♪

♪ Over the Irish sea. ♪

♪ A bottle of rum to fill my tum ♪

♪ And that's the life for me ♪

(laughing and cheering)

- At the end of the day, you did run a red light.

You'll need to watch that.

- I've learned my lesson.

- Right.

I think we're both learned our lesson today.

Bye-bye.

(car engine roars)

That was incredible.

- I would say my hero would be, well it'd be my best friend.

My confidant and the, the person that I admire the most.

My wife.

- (laughing) I thought he was gonna say me there,

but that's even better.

I like that, family man. Great family man. Aren't you?

(tapping arm)

(knocking on door)

- Enter!

(door opening)

(phones ringing in distance)

- [CAMERON] Ah! - [ARCHIE] Sir.

- Mr. Pepper. Come away in.

- You know how we were talking the other day?

You brought me in for a meeting about just

how I was doing really well.

- Oh yes, yes.

- I dunno if you remember,

we sort of spoke after that about a theoretical situation.

Quite unlikely theoretical situation

that you warned me about.

- Oh, with the exchanging photographs late at night.

Yeah. Could you find the--

- Weirdly, yeah, that did happen.

- That's insane. What are the chances of that.

- I sorted it. Don't worry.

- Okay, good for, well,

somebody's gonna be pleased about that.

- Someone yeah, someone will be very relieved.

- Yeah.

- Because someone could have been in a lot of--

- Just, that's, really were they that?

- [ARCHIE] Yeah. - Really. But that's it.

And the lady in question?

- Theoretically she was a woman.

- Okay.

But in actual real life, she's not a woman.

She's a -year-old man called Lionel Francis from--

(Cameron scoffs in shock)

- Hey, that's not Cassidy.

That's not, I mean,

this is catfishing is it? This is what

happened to this poor fellow. - That's exactly what it is.

- He must be embarrassed by this.

Not that he'll ever know will he?

Because of course these photographs have definitively

been lost.

- They're gone forever. - Good.

Well we're in the clear.

We're all in the clear. He's in the clear.

You're in, let's,

we're done. - We're all happy

- Archie.

Tremendous. Do you play golf? Let's have a round.

- Sure.

- Excellent. What do you drink? Whiskey?

You're a whiskey man. Thank you very much.

- [ARCHIE] Thank you.

- [CAMERON] See yourself out, Archie.

- Well done on not getting your face in any of the pic--

- All right, don't push it son.

(high pace electronic music)