04x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

(intense music)

- [NARRATOR] Coming up.

(footsteps echo) (sirens wail)

It could well go off.

(intense music)

- I'm telling you, it's a b*mb.

(intense music)

- [NARRATOR] It just might come up.

(Maggie gags)

(intense music)

(woman screaming)

And it definitely will explode.

- I'm gonna end up in here, cuff you.

(women cheer) (intense music)

- [NARRATOR] When CSI, Caledonia is a blaze with bus stops,

it takes nerves of steel to shut down the shady.

(intense music)

- Oh, come on.

Get those trousers up, Jonathan.

- [NARRATOR] Retire to a safe distance.

This is "Scott Squad".

(upbeat rock music)

(sirens wail)

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Crime can strike

from north, south, (sirens wail)

(sirens wail) east, or west.

One man has the moral compass

to protect the nation from getting it all ways,

from all sides.

Chief Commissioner Cameron Mikkelson.

(upbeat music)

- I've just gone vegetarian.

No one's vegetarian by choice.

By good gosh.

- [NARRATOR] He gets his buzz from being light years ahead.

Two infinity and beyond.

- We're goin' to space.

That's the future

of the Scottish Police force.

The sky is no longer the limit.

Now, I'll tell you why.

NASA and Presswood Airport are combining.

They have a space port.

So, my jurisdiction, you know,

is now gonna be,

wow.

It's infinite.

You know, there used to be

up north, south, east, and west.

There were borders, you know.

But now we're goin' up.

After space flights.

We're gonna have to police those flights.

So, we're gonna need cops in space.

Space, jails.

How about that?

Overcrowding here.

Put the criminals into space.

It's difficult for your mother to visit you in space,

but maybe that'll deter you from doin' crimes.

If your mother's gotta go to Jupiter to visit you,

maybe you'll, you know, not put your hand in the till.

So, could be a deterrent, as well.

Look, normally I can sniff out a downside,

but this one, space cops,

no downside. (upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Back down to Earth,

Desk Sergeant, Karen Ann Millar,

interacts with life forms while filling out police forms.

- Can you gimme a description of the car?

- [Man At Desk] Yeah.

- [NARRATOR] She's got the right stuff.

She knows what she does

and she knows how to do it.

(upbeat music)

- I'm a police officer

and that's not just a job,

that's a callin'.

You have to need to do this job.

It's not about wanting to do it.

You need to need to do it

because the public needs you to do it.

And some of them need you

a lot.

(door bangs)

- Mighty officer, Karen.

- Bobby, what can we do for you to,

Oh, my goodness.

What have you done to yourself?

- I broke my elbows and my wrists.

- [KAREN] How did you manage that?

- I was trying to stop a bus.

- Okay.

How were you attempting to stop the bus?

- Well, you know how you put your arm out and you're waving,

and then the bus driver never noticed me,

and then I stood out

and actually tried to stop the actual bus,

like flag it down.

- Right.

I think that only really works for Superman, Bobby.

- Can you scratch my nose?

- Hang on.

Let me just get a wee.

Let me just get a wee.

Where do you itch it?

- There.

All right.

That's the spot, Officer Karen.

Right so, basically,

why I'm here is Nifty's at my house, right?

- [KAREN] Uh-huh.

- And I need the toilet,

so I need help with the toilet.

- Right, the thing is, Bobby,

I'm really not qualified for that,

on various levels.

I would suggest maybe the doctors or the hospital or,

- No, like, all you need to do is unzip my bag

and get my grabbers, Officer Karen and that

and then I'll do rest. - Right.

Right, right.

Right, okay.

(zipper glides)

Right, I've got,

I've got some,

Is that one of them?

- Yep, that's one of them, mate.

- Okay.

What else am I looking for here?

Oh, right.

I'm not sure,

Is that, - That's it.

High five.

- No, I'm really good.

Thanks, Bobby.

You mean, is that okay?

(door opens)

- Oh.

It's like, yeah.

That's like the hand in "Terminator", isn't it?

Like when it's goin' down the mad lava

and it's like, (hums).

(door closes)

I appreciate you, Officer Karen.

- No bother.

- [BOBBY] Oh.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

(toilet flushes)

(door bangs)

- You all right there?

- Yeah, I'm all right, Officer Karen.

I think you'll need to probably shut this for me.

- Right.

You just leave it and I'll get it.

- Oh, I think I go it.

- Yeah, oh, well done.

- Thank you very much, Officer Karen.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

- That was minor. - Oh.

Right, eh,

Right, that was the sink.

- Right.

- Or something wrong with your sink.

I'm all right 'cause they dries 'em quite fast.

So, can you put these in my bag for me,

so I can go home?

- Did you wash your,

your hand and your

toothy mouth?

- Oh yeah.

- Let's do it fast.

- Okay. - There we go.

- Right, I'm gonna go up the road, right, Officer Karen.

Thanks for the help

and thanks for letting me use the toilet.

(door rubs)

(door opens)

See you later, Officer Karen.

- See you later, Bobby. - Thank you.

(upbeat music)

(door closes)

- [NARRATOR] Hugh McKirdy and Surjit Singh

possessed the highly honed surveillance skills

of the Caledonian Highway Patrol.

The toast of the Traffic Corps.

- Cheers. - Congratulations.

(intense music)

That's hot.

- [NARRATOR] Eyes train to the tarmac.

Monitoring everything.

Missing nothing. (sirens wail)

Ready for anything.

- Just the other day we were driving behind a van,

which was clearly,

clearly not roadworthy.

That van's on fire.

Is that van and fire?

- It's smokin'.

It's smokin'.

We're gonna need to pull it over.

- Aye.

(door opens)

(Hugh grunts)

Oh, sir.

Come on out, man. - Come on.

- Come on.

The van is smokin'.

- Get yourself. - Come on.

- It's for your own safety. - Come on.

- Come on.

(driver stutters)

- It's all right.

- I was quite surprised at how calm the driver was.

- It's just a smoke machine.

(upbeat music)

That's my van.

It's a party van.

- This one has his own creation.

He had made a party van.

(upbeat music)

I know you.

The clown.

- [DRIVER] Ice cream van.

- [HUGH] Ice cream van.

- Ice cream van.

- Oh, (indistinct)

So, I've got,

Can have a party in the van, now.

Drive 'em a bit now.

It's like a mobile club.

You ever been in a club and you're,

I wish I coulda just walked to it

and I'd beat my front door.

Well, this is pretty much,

This is the future.

It's a any day.

But I have all sorts.

But a wains party.

- Come on.

Please let no Wayne get in there.

- Come on. - Hey, it was cool.

I put out a couple old mattresses,

so it was about all right

and they could like dive about and that

and they chuck the ba*ls and that.

- [HUGH] You never cease to amaze me

with the ideas you come up with, boy.

- And you've got brain on you.

I'll give you that.

- Thank you very much. - I'm not sure your execution

is all that great.

But, - Well, you say that.

You've never seen the bed in my van.

- Well, show us. - Let's see it.

Let's see what's,

- It's built.

- Let's see what's going on in here.

- There, there, ladies. (kazoo hums)

- [SURJIT] Oh, no.

(kazoo hums)

- [DRIVER] It's okay.

(women cheering)

- Hi, ladies.

How are we?

Pretty good?

- There's people drunk in a moving vehicle.

They can hit their heads. - They're not secure.

- They're not secure.

(women chatter) (upbeat music)

- [SARAH] McKirdy.

- Come on.

Hey.

Calm yourselves.

Calm yourselves.

I'm gonna end up in here,

Cuff you?

(group laughs)

(upbeat music) (women cheer)

- [SURJIT] There was a bar.

- [HUGH] There was a bar.

- [SURJIT] Sofa.

- There was drunken women on the night out.

They were, actually, - Disco ball, as well.

- Singing, havin' a good time.

Enjoying themselves.

Getting down on their beer.

But we can of have that.

That's,

it's too dangerous.

- [SURJIT] Just be careful comin' down, okay?

(woman grunts)

- There we go. - Watch yourself.

Watch yourself. - We've had a few drinks.

(heels clatter) Watch out.

- You all right?

Right, come out.

Come out.

- Look at that.

What is that? - You ever seen somethin'

so big in your life?

(women laugh) (Hugh laughs)

- You can't use it as a party van.

It's just not safe. - Not even the wains parties.

- No. - No.

- No.

Especially, no wains.

- We gave him a telling off

and sent him on his way

and we were left with the hen party.

- Aye.

Then they want a completeless

spoil the hens at night?

'Cause that's a lasting memory.

A hen night is a very particular thing,

especially for a woman.

- Where are you taking us?

- You's are gettin' dropped off.

You can sit on that side.

- No, no, no, no. (women holler)

- Oh, hey. (women holler)

Get out of here. (women holler)

Get out of here. - Oh.

Oh. - Get it off me.

- [NARRATOR] Me caring cops,

make for Happy hens.

(upbeat rock music)

- Today I'm speaking to all of my European colleagues

on a video conference.

Very important to communicate at all times, you know.

And we can do that now via video conferencing.

If you're not on screen,

you're not on the scene.

(speaks in foreign languages)

Pedro, can you hear me?

Pedro?

Gene?

It's called Pedro, eh, the Spanish boy?

Oh, it's Juan.

Juan, sorry.

Hello?

- Hello.

- Ah, hola.

Juan, hello.

- Si. - And that's Wolfgang.

Boris.

Boris, can't see you.

Your camera's pointin' at the roof.

Boris, I said something last time.

Gene, get onto Boris's,

Gene.

He's looking at the roof again.

First piece of business.

Sgt. Andrews, she wants to come to gulf?

I'll swap you that

for a little bit, uh,

the beach football in the Canary Islands.

- Si.

- Excellent.

So, I understand that Europe wants to get

one siren standardized across the continent.

Spain, Europe, kind of.

(imitates siren)

Then you've got your

whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

It's too much for the Scottish ear

and all that kind of stuff.

So, if it's okay with you,

we would like to stick with nee-naw-nee-naw-nee-naw.

Final bit of business, uh,

International Police Day,

nd of May is that no diary clashes.

Show of hands.

Excellent.

Okay.

But we're all agreed.

We don't wanna go to St. Petersburg.

We prefer a site of Italy.

Excellent.

Okay.

(speaks in foreign language)

Very, very successful conference

with my European colleagues.

Very important to communicate.

But the most important thing about communication,

as you probably witness what I do,

I listen.

That's why I've got one mouth and two ears.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] in the concrete jungle,

experienced partners, Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher,

can cope with whatever gets thrown their way.

Sticks and stones may break their bones,

but words just bounce off them.

Boing.

Boing.

- Part and parcel of being a police officer

is a lot of people don't like you,

so you get a lot of abuse

- Yes.

- thrown your way and you have to deal with that.

The other day we were walking through the park.

(footsteps shuffle)

Hey, oh.

One of the gentleman was giving me the Vickies,

to which I quickly was over there.

Unacceptable in a park, in a public place

and to me.

You gettin' a finger stick?

(men laugh) Excuse me.

- [Man In Khakis] Sorry.

- Gimme the Vicky's.

Oh, well I'm very, very sorry.

Apologize.

I didn't realize,

I didn't realize you were deaf.

- Yeah, he's,

Yeah, my friend's deaf.

- Yeah, my colleague,

just sometimes we get insulted in the street a lot.

And with people doing that a lot in the street.

What does that mean?

- Yeah, he's just,

he's talking about the number two.

Yeah.

Yeah. - Oh.

We quickly realized that we could learn some

sign language skills from that.

- [Man In Khakis] Do you mean just police.

Police.

Police.

Police

- Like that?

- Police. - Police.

- Like, we can snuff it.

Trouble. - Yeah, that's sign language

for police.

- We can smell trouble.

- Listen, we've got a tea break now.

What,

What's,

tea break?

- Okay, so, that's tea.

- [SARAH] Okay.

- Tea. - Tea.

- I have coffee.

Coffee break.

- Coffee. - Coffee.

Yeah.

- Coffee.

- He has two sugars.

- Two sugars.

I like, - Two sugars.

- So no, not like,

- Coffee.

Two.

- That's for two sugars.

- Two.

- [Man In Khakis] Yeah.

- Coffee.

Two sugars.

- Two sugars, yeah.

- Brilliant.

- Great, thank you.

- Wait for a,

wait for a caffeine hit.

I might have one coffee.

I might have two coffees.

Okay.

- Yeah.

- Three coffees. - You're gonna,

- How can you manage three, four, five, coffees?

- Says he looks like you're the sort that would do that.

- [JACK] Be all over.

Because I'm wired up. - Take it too high

after it's done.

- She hates

coffee.

- I just like,

ooh, I got too

excited.

- Imagine if she had more than one coffee.

Look at her just now.

More than one coffee.

(Sarah laughs)

- She'd be wired. - Yeah, I just

Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

She'd just be completely, yeah.

Covered in,

Covered in coffee. - And I'd just get too,

Yeah.

- Don't be scared of the police.

- No.

(men laughs)

So, if we were to meet a deaf person in the future,

we would be well armed with some interpretation skills.

And, you know, we won't look foolish.

(upbeat music)

- New laws are coming in all the time.

Sometimes because of research.

Sometimes because of a particular incident.

Sometimes it's just a change of government.

And, you know, whoever's in charge, whoever makes the laws,

that's what we follow.

You know, you think the police are conservative,

small C,

but no, we don't mind the liberal progressive boys, as well.

I mean, to be honest,

you know, legalize what you want.

It's up to you.

You make the laws.

You know?

If you wanna legalize m*rder, fine.

Drugs, fine.

If it means that my boys don't have

to spend the afternoon rooting around

at the backside of some backpacker

looking for, you know, a pound of party powder,

then everybody's a winner.

So, listen.

Contrary to popular belief,

the police,

we're not mad keen on laws.

You know?

(upbeat music)

They just make our job harder.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Constable Ken Beattie has finally made the leap

from part-time hobby bobby to bonafide a precinct patroller.

(upbeat music)

- Whenever I see a grown man on a skateboard,

I pity him.

- [NARRATOR] And the volunteer, he was back in the day,

has made him the policeman he is today.

Now in this day.

- Occasionally, my experiences as a volunteer officer,

do come in handy in my new role.

(men yelling) In fact, just recently,

me and my colleagues were on patrol

and we split up a fight between two homeless gentlemen.

So, we got in amongst it

and it turned out I recognized one of them.

- Well, he got mad.

- I know this guy.

It's okay, I can deal with this.

Let's get him out of the way and calm him down.

- Ken, me man. - Oh, my god.

Where you been? - So, where you been?

What's all this?

- Well.

- [PATRICK] The real deal, mate.

- Police Constable Ken Beattie.

(Ken laughs)

(Patrick chants) (Ken laughs)

Thank you very much.

- Last time I saw you, it was a year ago.

You moved me for,

- That's right.

That's right.

It was a big dog.

That was,

- It was pissin' on me. - Yeah.

- Yeah, that was a nit of a b*tch.

- No, that was terrible.

- I might have a job.

- Really? - Honestly.

Honestly. - Doin' what?

- Wait.

There's a place that's like,

it kinda, gives folds a second chance.

- Right.

- Second Chance Cafes.

- Oh. - Well, anyway.

It sell coffee and like caramel shortcakes

and things like that.

It's called the Big Brown Bean.

- Brown Bean? - Aye.

It's like a bean,

coffee.

Can I ask you a favor?

I've got a referencing.

(paper rustles)

- Yes.

- And if it came from you, an actual,

- Police Constable.

- Police Constable.

Then I could be in for givin' me a shout.

- Yes, I'll do it.

Tell me a bit more about yourself then, Patrick,

before I'll fill this in for you.

- Right.

Okay.

Name Patrick Dylan.

Don't got a mobile number at the minute.

- No, obviously not.

I can put mine in,

- Would you?

- For you, yes.

- Oh, mate, that'd be amazing.

Like you're my answerin' service.

Oh, it's the police.

(Ken laughs)

- Hey, Patrick's not here right now.

He's down the alley trying to fight a drunk guy.

But I'm a Police Constable

and I'll take his message for you.

It's amazing.

- [PATRICK] It's amazing.

(Ken laughs) - What else?

I mean, I was orphaned when I was like three.

- Three?

- Ah, ya.

- How did it happen?

- I was mad.

My mom and my dad took me to safari park.

My mother wanted to take some photographs of these monkeys.

- Oh yeah? - So, she in got the water.

You're not supposed to do that.

And like, she was looking this way with her camera

and then a bunch of monkeys come up the back

and grabbed her,

and took her up into the trees.

And my dad ran out to help,

which had,

I don't know what came and just

(hand clap)

So, that was from point eight.

- How he's put up with that his whole life is just,

I dunno how he's done it.

I really don't.

- I'm trying to get back

the railway track to self-sufficiency.

- Yes.

That's you.

You're the train and you're on them tracks now.

- I am and you cannot stop the train.

- No.

- This train is in motion, Ken.

- It's goin'.

The train is in motion.

(imitates a train)

(Ken imitates train whistle)

- That's you.

That's a train.

And the train's going to the job.

Brilliant.

Do you consider the candidate reliable?

Yes, I do,

is the answer to that.

You're always where I expect to find you,

on the streets.

- Aye.

- Has a candidate worked for your organization?

No.

- No.

Well, I've grassed a couple of people.

Remember that?

- Not straight.

- Oh, mate.

I'm gonna sign this for you.

Ken Beattie, Police Constable.

(paper rustles)

- Yes.

I'm chuffed, man.

I'm made up for you.

Absolutely, made up for you.

- Best all, Patrick. - I ,

I don't suppose you could spot a five.

- Oh. (laughs)

Course.

- Eh.

Stole a man and you'd bite in a day.

(Ken laughs)

I haven't changed.

(hands clap)

- Take care, okay.

- You too, Patrick.

- Thank you for everything.

- Best luck with the job, Patrick.

If anyone deserves it, it's Patrick.

It's no exaggeration to say

that Patrick is one of my heroes,

which is strange, considering,

I've watched him being urinated on

by an Alsation several times.

Scarface famously once said,

first you get the money,

then you get the power,

then you get the woman. (laughs)

I mean, I've already got the first two

from being a policeman, so. (laughs)

I mean, he was off his head on cocaine the whole time,

so he's probably not the best person

to take model advice from.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] When the men and women of Scotland

want to say hello to a little friend

in the police department,

they're put through to call operator, Maggie LeBeau.

- Okay guys,

there's a lot of calls coming in

about a security concern at Wick Station.

There's a man standing on the platform

that nobody recognizes.

- [NARRATOR] And in her line of work,

LeBeau knows her nose can be as important as her ears.

- Ugh.

There has been a literal stink in our office

because one of my colleagues has started a new diet,

which involves only eating fish and veg.

I mean, I'm not a fussy eater.

I'm not a fussy person.

But the smell of fish is so disgusting.

It was starting to affect my work.

Police emergency.

How could I be of assistance?

(microwave opens)

You've witnessed an as*ault.

Could you give me your location please?

(microwave hums)

I don't suppose you have the postcode. (gags)

If you could just stay where you are, please.

(Maggie breathes heavy)

(Maggie sighs)

As the team leader,

I was able to come up with a solution for this issue.

(microwave rumbles) (intense music)

(microwave tumbles)

- [NARRATOR] For country cops, McIntosh and MacKay,

it's a big ask to be alert to the big area that they patrol.

But for this pair, that big ask is, Wee Pitreuchie.

- We know our turf.

You know, we're street smart.

We're field aware.

And we know the blair of the bothies,

the talk of the town,

the gab of the gate.

- And we work in close proximity to cattle

so we can recognize bullshit.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] - Mc and Mac know the lay of the land.

And not all farmers are charmers.

- Murphy Williams.

We first encountered him a few years back

when he was impersonating a big cat

to try and entice visitors and tourists to his farm.

We caught him then.

And ever since he's been released,

he's been a nuisance, claiming all sorts of things.

- We've got a b*mb.

I'm not jokin'.

I have a huge big b*mb up there.

I'm % sure.

- Well, you were % sure about the alien landing last week.

- Honestly, I'm legit this time.

It's not like the penguin hostage situation.

You wait to see this cr*cker.

- Okay. - She's oh.

She's some b*mb like that.

- Show us the b*mb.

Show the b*mb.

- Come on.

It's up here.

I'm telling you it's a b*mb.

- Okay. - I'm certain

- [MCINTOSH] That could be anything.

- Everyone's worried it could be this.

- Hey. - All right.

Sunday post, country fire.

The one show, kinda one show,

(Murphy hums tune)

♪ One ♪

(McIntosh hums)

Sorry for, eh?

The Russians.

Koreans.

Or I think !sis.

Aye. - What,

you sold them a bunch of bad potatoes or somethin'?

- [MURPHY] Yes, well.

- They're seeking revenge.

- [MURPHY] Aye.

- We weren't sure if it was a b*mb or not.

It's above our pay grade, to be quite frank.

So, I called it in.

Yeah, PC Charlie McIntosh here.

M. - There's a b*mb.

There's a b*mb here.

- Would you please just, - Please, Murphy.

Cylinder type of shape.

- It's got a little kind of eagle shape on it.

- It's got an eagle,

- And an E underneath.

- With an E underneath.

Ah-ha.

So, that's what it is. - It says made in Berlin.

- Right.

Okay, really? - Are you really sure

you just didn't, like, - Yeah, we'll do that.

We will, uh, - put this in here?

- Guys, if you just want to,

- I think you just tell us. - Jane?

Jane?

Yeah, we'll clear the area as quickly as we can.

- Mr. Willliams. - Murphy.

- There's Allen. - We can,

- Allen, go away. - We need to get

off this hill. - Allen.

Allen, go away.

There's a b*mb.

That's not.

Shew.

Allen.

- [MCINTOSH] Mr. Williams, come on immediately.

- Don't stand in that b*mb.

You'll be a Tesco's burger.

(horse whinnies)

- We removed ourself from the scene

and we waited till the Ministry of Defense arrived.

- This is the farmer that found the

- Mr. Williams.

- Pleased to meet you, Mr. Williams.

- suspect b*mb.

- Oh, it's a cracking b*mb.

Like this.

- It's a decent size.

We don't know, but hopefully.

- I'll take a look at it first.

- You got your pliers.

- Yep.

- Good you got pliers. - I think knows

what he's doing himself.

He's the expert.

(b*mb explodes)

(dog barks)

(dirt thumps) (dog barks)

(cow moos)

- I told you it was a b*mb.

(dog barks) (cow moos)

- Positives always come from situations though

and in this case it means that Murphy Williams

won't have to dig a big ditch (laughs)

because there's a massive hole.

- Oh, make a cement pool, wouldn't you?

- [NARRATOR] From the story of the big hole in the earth

to unearthing the whole story,

(door closes)

"Scott Squad" always dig deep.

(upbeat music)

- We were called to a house and there'd been a break in

and the homeowner had hit the house breaker

over the head with a rolling pin,

which, you know, we have to determine

whether it's self-defense or as*ault.

I'm just here to get a statement from you about

what happened this morning.

- Yeah, no, I phone yous.

I defended myself against him.

- That's brilliant.

That's really good.

- Sittin'.

Sittin', makin' a cake there, for my wife.

I heard a noise, but I know she's not here.

So, I turned and there was a mask crusader

- Right/ - In my doorway there.

- Batman?

- An intruder.

A masked intruder.

So, I got afraid and then I just,

The first thing at my hand was my rolling pin.

And I just swung it like a reflex.

- You knocked him out?

- Aye, he was snorin'.

He was snorin'.

So, I just let him nap and I phoned you guys.

- That's well done.

- That's a bad thing to do, wasn't it?

- Yes and no.

- [JANE] We can't really

have an opinion about that.

- Kind of a gray area though, isn't it?

- I'm a keen, um, baker myself.

I'm kind of semi-professional. - All right.

- So, what sort of cake was it that you were making?

- It was a Victoria sponge.

because my wife's Victoria.

- Ah, that's nice. - She's Victoria, so,

- Why did you have a rolling pin out

for to bake the cake?

- Just for rolling the flour and the egg and that.

- Ah, right.

With my cake knowledge and semi-professional experience,

I, kind of, quickly deduced

that he wasn't making a cake at all.

What attachment did you use on this?

Was it the spiralizer or the

- Spiralizer? - juicer?

- No, the spiralizer.

Spiralizer spiralizes the stuff (clears throat)

and then you can spiralize all your mixture and

- Yeah, of course.

- make a spiral.

- And this jam here,

is this jam, homemade jam, organic, craft?

- Eh.

- Artisan?

- (speaks in foreign language)

- I don't buy any of this, Connor.

You weren't baking a cake.

You've never, in fact, baked a cake in your entire life.

These eggs are medium

and you've used one of,

using a food processor.

So, the noise that this would make,

you wouldn't hear anyone comin'.

And a spiralizer?

I don't think so.

Do I know my bacon, Jack?

- She's all about the bacon.

- The truth of the story was

that the gentleman works away a lot.

He works on the rigs and he,

his wife had been having an affair.

- He walked in on 'em and he got very angry, obviously,

and assaulted the man.

- I'm the victim here.

This guy's in my house.

- No.

- I'm allowed to k*ll somebody - The cakes

- if they come in my h* use. - do not lie, Connor.

- No.

- And I know my bacon.

We got to the bottom of the gentleman's story

and it turned out it was a soggy bottom, indeed.

But the cherry on top of the soggy bottom

was that he got put away for as*ault.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] - Nice try, Mr. Keppling.

Another donut dunked.

- We've got to police everything now.

Everything, everyone, everywhere.

We've gotta police the internet.

You know how difficult that is?

That is a deep, dark and wide web.

I can tell you that from nothing.

You know?

And you find all sorts.

Lemme show you.

Look what I find.

(laptop thumps)

Chief Commissioner, Fart a lot McFartsel.

So, I mean, look.

(laptop farts) Oh, oh.

(Chief laughs)

All the computing talent in this great nation of ours

and they spend it making me pump.

You could be using the internet

to spread love and peace.

You know?

But no, let's do some juvenile game

where I fake up authority farts.

Isn't that funny?

Well, no, it's not funny.

It's juvenile.

It's pathetic.

And I want you to stop it right now.

Do you get the message?

Stop it.

(car hums)

- [SURJIT] Okay, any partnership,

we need to know how to work well together.

- Aye.

We work together.

We drive together.

We patrol the roads together.

We start the shift together.

We finish the shift together.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, baby ♪

- What?

- You need to do it?

- What?

- I can't just do it myself.

You need to do that ooh-ah.

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ If you'll be my ♪

You dunno that song?

- No.

- Hey, so I go,

♪ Hey, hey baby ♪

You go, Ooh-ah.

- Okay.

- Practice that?

Ooh.

- Ooh. - Ah.

- Ah.

- Ooh, ah.

- Ooh, ah.

(Hugh laughs)

That's better.

- Okay. - All right, so,

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, baby ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

Right?

And we'll sing like that bit together at the end, right?

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, baby ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

Once again, for everyone in the back.

- Okay.

♪ Hey ♪ (hands clap)

♪ Hey, baby ♪ (hands clap)

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪ (hands clap)

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

Two, three, four, one.

(hands clap)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, baby ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

(upbeat rock music)

(upbeat rock music continues)

(sirens wail) (upbeat rock music continues)