01x02 - A Mystery Solving g*ng Divided

[bunniefuu]

MAN:
The family, the b*ttlefield,
the setting sun...

So cinematic.

Okay, a bit to the right.

No, no, no. Too far.
Back to the left.

Come on, people.
We're losing light.

I read on the web that
ghosts have been seen
around here.

There's no such things
as ghosts, son.

Besides, a very important
battle was fought here
and I want a picture.

MAN: Back to the right.
A little to the left.

No, my left.
Yeah, the other...

(GASPING)

Come on.
Is it so hard to smile?

Dad!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Huh?

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Attack!

Attack!

(GHOSTS LAUGHING MENACINGLY)

(BATS SCREECHING)

♪ Scooby-Dooby-Doo
and Guess Who?

♪ We know you're
one in a million

♪ Scooby-Doo

♪ We can count on you,
Scooby-Doo

♪ To catch and unmask
that villain ♪

VELMA: Jinkies!
It's Abraham Lincoln!

This looks familiar.

It's the haunted monument
from the family
vacation photos.

Jinkies!

Check it out, Scoob.
These are the guys
who became zombie ghosts.

Zombie ghosts?
What's that?

They're like regular ghosts,
only more zombier-er.

-They don't seem very zombier
or ghostly right now.
-(KNOCKING)

That's how ghosts work,
don't you know?

Always popping up
when least expected.

(EXCLAIMS)

Tight squeeze. A little
too much junk
in the saddle bags.

(WHIMPERING) Ghost!

AUGIE:
Oh, yeah. He's our ghost.

Hold the phone.
Who are you guys?

ALL:
We're the Funky Phantom crew.

(MIMICKING HOWLING)

Jonathan Wellington Muddlemore
at your service.

The spirit of 1776, even.

BOTH: (WHIMPERING)
He's headless!

(SCREAMING)
A ghost cat!

VELMA:
Yeah, right. Give me a break.

Ghosts are not real.

What?

We're here investigating
the Civil w*r zombie ghosts.

Hey, that's why we're here.

We're solving that mystery.

Because we're mystery-solvers.

This is great.
We're both groups of
teenage mystery-solvers.

We should work together.

It'll be fun. And we can
solve the mystery
in half the time.

What do you guys say?
Wanna solve this mystery
together?

No offense but we're experts.

We're the real deal.

Uh, we're the real deal too.

We've been doing this
a long time.

I'm not sure
why you would say that.

It's a proven fact.

We're extremely legitimate
mystery-solvers.

We're so legit we even got
a mystery-solving mascot.

Our dog Elmo.

Yeah, well. Like,
we've got a Scooby-Doo.

-That's even better.
-You know it.

Yeah, well, we've got
a dune buggy called
the Looney Duney.

We've got a van
with "Mystery Machine"
painted right on the side.

Paint that yourself, did ya?

I totally did.

Hey!

Well, kiddies. Now that us
professional mystery-solvers
are here,

you B-team amateurs
can take a hike.

We like hikes as much as
the next guy.

But we're not going anywhere.

This is our mystery.

Shaggy. Shaggy!

(SNARLS)

(SCREAMING) Ghost! Run!

Cannons! Attack!

(LAUGHING MENACINGLY)

(EXPLOSIONS)

-(GHOST LAUGHING)
-(EXPLOSIONS)

I don't like explosions.
Or implosions.

Make that all-plosions,
already...

(LAUGHING)

(EXPLOSIONS)

Hmph. Look what
the ghost cat dragged in.

Oh, you're still in town?
I thought you guys went
home already.

Not a chance.

And besides,
thinking things through
in a diner is our thing.

You guys can go to the diner
across the street.

Just ignore them.
And let's stay focused on
looking for clues.

I got a clue for ya.
Go home.

I must say,
Hamilton and Burr get along
better than these kids.

How do you do this?
A holographic projection?

Pepper's ghost effect?
Computer controlled lasers?

Ooh. Yum. (SLURPING)

-(MEOWS)
-(SCREAMS)

(BURPS LOUDLY)

Hey!

(MEOWS)

(SNICKERING)

So, where are you guys
starting your investigation?

Well, we were thinking about
heading to...

The old armory
just outside of town.

Oh. Okay.

Hmm. Which way to the armory?

We're not going to the armory.

That was just to fool
the Funky Phantom crew.

We're going to the epicenter
of all the sightings.

Here. The Two Brothers
antique store.

Next stop. The epicenter
of all the sightings.

The Two Brothers
antique store.

I hacked Velma's tablet.

Gotta love public wi-fi!
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, look. One step behind
us real mystery-solvers.

Per usual.

Just ignore them.
And let's look around
for clues.

Look, Boo. I used to have
a sword just like this.

Like, it's that ghost again.

And he's got a sword!

Jab! Parry! Thrust!

En guarde! Off guard, even.

Huh?

Proprietor. This sword is
defective, don't you know?

Hey, you guys need to keep
your crazy re-enactor grandpa
from destroying my store.

You guys know anything about
all the zombie ghosts

that have been showing up
around here?

Well, they've been seen
at many other monuments.

Oh, it's been terrible
for business.

It's scaring away
the tourists.

The ghosts are just
looking for a little peace.

Ebb believes in ghosts.
I don't.

Exactly. Ghosts aren't real.

What would somebody real
want on this old b*ttlefield?

Now, hold on. It could be
ghosts, don't you know?

Why are you even talking?
You're not even real.

You're just some kind of
special effect we haven't
figured out yet.

I'm insulted, I think.

Out-sulted. Over-sulted, even.

SKIP:
What do you mean there's
no such thing as ghosts?

(ALL ARGUING)

Oh, boy.
They sure are arguing.

Isn't it
such a terrible shame?

A mystery-solving team
divided shall not stand.

It breaks my heart to see
such skirmishing.

You said it, Mr. Lincoln.

(WHIMPERING) Ghost!

(ALL ARGUING)

(WHISTLES)

VELMA: Party's over.

Like, dudes. We just saw
the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

VELMA: It's just a painting.

You kids is in
way over your heads.

Yeah, that's what I said.

All these ghosts
have been bad for business,

driving away the tourists.

You don't wanna be snooping
around here at night,

especially out by Rocky Top.

That's where them ghosts
seem to congregate.

Rocky Top, huh?

You don't say...

Wait! Wait for me, even!

(GROANS)

Get along, little kitty!
Get along!

(SNIFFING)

JONATHAN: Skip!
Hey, Skip,

I can see
your house from up here,
don't you know?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Well, well, well.
Look what the ghost cat
dragged in.

You guys just aren't
gonna give up, huh?

Hey!

-(GRUNTS)
-I saw it first!

(EXCLAIMS) Whoa!

Got it!

-It's mine!
-Possession is nine-tenths
of the law.

GHOST: Give me my map!

It belongs to me!

Zoinks! It's those zombie
ghost soldiers again!

Stay strong, troops!
Wait till you see
the whites of their eyes!

And then run like crazy!

(YELLING)

-Give it back!
-No!

-Give it to me!
-No time to argue!

Give me the map!

Not a chance.
Give me the map.

I will take it!

(YAWNS)

I was dreaming I had
a car shaped like a giant
cheeseburger. (LAUGHS)

But the steering wheel
was a pickle.

And I kept eating it.

(LAUGHS)

That is a lovely dream.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL ARGUING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look. We have to
share the map

so that we can figure out
what it means.

Fine. How about you share
your half first?

LINCOLN: An investigation
divided against itself
cannot stand.

See? We told you.

Good people.
I'm here to help you
solve this crime,

so these ghostly soldiers
can find their final rest.

The wisest course of action
for both of your groups

is to stop bickering
and work together

using each half of the map.

I'll provide guidance
where I can.

Ghost snack?

Thanks, President Lincoln.
Gosh, I have
so many questions.

Augie, it's a hoax.

I can assure you, young man.
I do exist.

As clear as the ascot
around your neck,

I am the ghost of
Abraham Lincoln.

See? Works for me.

Look at the picture
on the five-dollar bill.

It doesn't even look like him.

Where's the mole? Look.

AUGIE: Cute, Fred.
What kinda gag bill is that?

-That's your picture.
-Huh?

How did you do that?

(LAUGHS) I'll never tell...

...a lie. (LAUGHS)

Regardless, this kind of
division between you
mystery-solvers

is just what
I'm talking about.

You need to heal this divide
and work together.

I will be watching.

There are so many ghosts.

It's amazing really.

I mean, how are they doing
all these crazy ghost effects?

You all heard the President.
Time to get to work.

Give us your half
of the map.

He said we should stop
fighting and work together.

He was clearly talking
to you guys.

(YAWNS)

Isn't it too early for
the stink-eye thing, fellas?

And isn't it funny
that your nose smells
but your eyes stink?

Lincoln's ghost
was right, man.

We should work together.

Okay. So give us
your half of the map.

How about we take photos
of both halves of the map

and then, split up
to follow the clues?

Okay.

'Cause then, we'll know
for sure which mystery
solving team

is the best by who solves
the mystery first.

VELMA: The sightings of
the ghost soldiers match up

with the historic landmarks
on the b*ttlefield.

Look.

I bet this could be a clue.

These blast holes are fresh.

These aren't impact holes.

They were blown up
from the inside!

Dynamite maybe?
And this one looks like
it was dug up.

With this hole digging
attachment

on this three-speed
farming tractor.

Since when do ghosts
use tractors?

Hmm, I'd say never.

Well, rarely.
Maybe all the time.

What is a tractor, even?

What does this thing do?

Not sure. We have to find...

Another clue!

VELMA: It's a button.

Not just any button.

It belongs to the uniform
of a Union paymaster.

And it matches the statue
of the undead ghost sergeant.

During the Civil w*r,
soldiers were paid,

on average,
every two months.

And they would've
been paid in...

Gold!

So, just how many gold coins
have been found here at
Chambersburg?

Gold? Oh, no gold.

Only silver and copper coins

have been found
on the b*ttlefield.

Oh, I'd love to find
some gold, don't you know?

Well, that means...

LINCOLN:
The payroll gold was lost

and the brave soldiers
who fought on this
hallowed ground

never got paid.

Help them. They clearly have
unfinished business.

Hey, Mudsy. Do you have
any unfinished business?

Why are you still here?

Unfinished business?

I'm not sure, even.

Maybe I left the oven on?

So, did you guys find
any clues?

No. Did you?

-No.
-Oh, yeah?
Then what's that?

Nothing. What's that?

Nothing.

Okay, this is just silly.

We really should be
working together.

I agree.

-Here.
-Hey!

Oh, be quiet, Skip.

We found this.
Do you know what it is?

Hmm. I know exactly
what this is.

And now, this memory stick
totally makes sense.

A memory stick?
Is that like a broomstick,

but for your brainy bits?

I certainly could use
a good sweeping,
don't you know?

BOTH: (WHIMPERING)
It's that crazy
colonial ghost again!

I've read stuff
in the history books about
the lost payroll of 1863.

It must be what they're after.

The payroll sergeant
trapped behind enemy lines

buried the gold
and made a map to it.

It's been lost
for over a century.

(DROOLING)

(WHIMPERING)
It's a ghost!

You must find
the lost payroll gold,

give it to the ghosts
and then, they can
rest in peace.

Hold the phone.
The fake ghost of
Abe Lincoln has a point.

If we find the gold,

we could use it to lure in
the ghost sergeant
and trap him.

A trap?
That's totally my thing.

(SCOFFS) No. Excuse me.
That's my thing.

Guys, guys. Why don't you
just build the trap together?

But first, we have to
find the gold.

There must be something
we've overlooked.

FRED: Invisible ink!

During the Civil w*r...

SKIP: They'd write in
lemon juice and it would only
appear when it was heated!

FRED: It's the old fort!
That's where they must've
buried the gold!

If we let the ghost
get his map back,

when he comes for the gold,

we can trap him!

Great. But who's gonna be
the bait?

I know a couple of guys
that would make excellent
ghost bait.

Like, man, Scoob,

why are we out here
being ghost bait?

-Again.
-Shaggy. That is not
your line.

Uh, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, geez, Scoober!

We'll have to leave this map
right here in this old cannon

so the ghosts can find
their gold and rest in peace.

Map!

Act casual, Scoob.

Good idea, Norville.

Yes. We are leaving.

(LAUGHING)

That ghastly ghoul took
the bait and exited.

Stage left, even.

AUGIE: All set.

When he comes for the gold,
we'll get him.

(MEOWS)

(YELLING)

Shush! Quiet, will ya?

We're hiding,
don't you know?

(WHIMPERING)

Since when does a ghost
drive a tractor?

We did that bit already.

Oh. Okay. Sorry.

Now!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

VELMA: He's getting away!
Hurry!

Trapped.
In our own trap, even.

It didn't work!

Come on!
We gotta catch that ghost!

Guys, you go after him.

Skip, come with me!

We're coming.
We'll get him.

Just you wait.

Kick it into gear, Boo.

Fred, what's the plan
to catch that ghost?

We can head him off
at the pass!

Ugh. I hate that cliche.

AUGIE:
You mean, b*ttlefield pass.

Sounds like a plan.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

FRED: Hold on!

-Huh?
-(SHAGGY AND SCOOBY HOWLING)

You cannot escape
the responsibility
of tomorrow...

-(EXCLAIMS)
-...by evading it today.

(CRASHING)

Now let's see who the zombie
ghost sergeant really is.

ALL: It's Jebb?

I found the treasure map,
and was gonna find the gold,
too.

But then, my goodie goodie
brother got involved.

I should've known it was you
causing all this commotion,
Jebb.

I told you. This gold
should be in a museum

and used to support the upkeep
of this b*ttlefield, brother.

Hmph. That's why
I hid the map from you
in the first place.

You hid the map
in the cannonball monument.

I did. To keep it out
of my brother's hands.

Then he just started blasting
and digging everywhere to
find the gold.

He created the undead soldiers
using the hologram projector

as a way to scare everyone
away so he can search for
the treasure.

And we used it to make
giant ghosts of Scooby
and Shaggy.

(HOWLING)

And I would've gotten away
with it, too,

if it wasn't for
you meddling kids!

Um. All... Uh, ten of you!

See what working together
for a cause can do?

As I always said,

ask not what a mystery
can do for you,

but what you can do
for a mystery.

Hey, that quote's not even
from Lincoln.

I said it first.

No, you didn't.

I did too, don't you know?

VELMA: Ha. Gotcha!

ALL: Mudsy?

A pretend ghost
pretending to be a ghost.

Huh?

You kids weren't solving
the mystery.

You were making a mess.

So I thought you needed
a little honesty from
old Honest Abe.

And the rest is history,
don't you know?

(LAUGHING)

That still tickles.
(CHUCKLES) Don't you know?

All right. Mystery solved.

Now where is Mudsy's
projector?

Projector, shamector.

Time to exit.
Stage left, even.

And running all the way.

Zoom!

-(BARKING)
-(MEOWING)

(TREMBLING)

(SNICKERING)

We heard there were
a bunch of... (SPUTTERS)

A whole bunch of ghosts
around here.

What did we miss?
What did we miss?

(LAUGHING) Look, Scoob.
It's like a talking car.

Lame.

(LAUGHS) Okay.
Now that's just silly.

(LAUGHING)

Scooby-Dooby-Doo!