01x05 - Love Is...

[bunniefuu]

every time I look at

you I'm so glad that you're the

one I've been growing closer

to as the years have come and

gone sharing for good or

ill hardly a day

aart older out side but still

young at

heart I tell you what we'll do

Albert we'll get Barbara some flowers

mhm after all they have invited us to

Sunday dinner

tomorrow I'll go down to the Florest as

soon as I've done these shirts

M on the other hand I might take all my

clothes off and do a streak down to the

rifleman's I might as well go talking to

myself H

Albert yes e you haven't been listening

to me have you yes I have all right then

what did I just say you haven't been

listening to me have

you you got your nose stuck in that

boook again well I've just got to the

interesting part I'm trying to find out

who k*lled the colonel it was the

gardener now what did you tell me for

you said you want you to find out

well you you spoiled it for me now oh

never mind what's on the Telly no

nothing much there's usually a good film

we've seen it it's the Bible oh I like

that I didn't it's a load of rubbish

don't be Blasphemous it was very moving

it wasn't authentic well of course it

was authentic it was adapted from the

book what about the beginning the

creation of man well what about it well

first of all there was pile of dust next

minute there's Adam starers of course he

was starers what did you expect him to

have on a black coat and striped

trousers no that's where they made their

mistake what mistake when he stood up

you could see

it I never saw it well it was there

right in the middle of the screen are

you sure we're talking about the same

film but he never should have had one on

what

a belly

button he he had a belly button we've

all got belly buttons but Adam shouldn't

have had one I mean if the first man was

made from a pile of dust what was he

doing running around with a belly button

well perhaps they couldn't find an actor

without

one in any case it doesn't say in the

Bible that Adam never had one for all we

know God might have given him one so

that he wouldn't feel out of it when the

others came along well anyway he didn't

have happened that way what didn't

mankind the human race we descended from

monkeys you speak for yourself no it's

true it's true primitive man evolved

from the Apes ah and where did the Apes

evolve from I don't know perhaps Adam

was an ape you do talk some

rubbish hey what you doing I'm ripping

this up for dusters e that's one of my

favorite shirts I know but they collar

and cuffs afraid but why don't you use a

shirt lap I already have done

twice oh well I think I'll stroll down

to The Rifleman and I'll I'll take young

young Norman with me you leave Norman

where he is oh they don't want you

always popping in and out young married

couples want to be left on their own

occasionally don't forget they are still

at the Romantic stage

can't see an early night well I'm not

that

sleepy who said anything about

sleep don't you ever think about

anything else is there anything else I

just want to sit down and relax you

could relax in bed not were you moing me

about you can't beat a good mold oh get

off I can't help it I'm out blooded go

and have a cold shower then only if you

have one with me oh go away

give us a kiss no go on no I'm not in

the mood you think you'll be in the mood

later on have no idea funny I'm always

in the mood yeah I know that Su that's

Nature's

Way what are you on about well if I had

to wait till I was in the mood my moods

might not necessarily coincide with your

moods we could go for months without

ever getting anything together on the

other and if you were always in the mood

we'd be worn out in a

week be a great way to go though you men

are all the same you're obsessed but

we're lovely with it aren't we sometimes

you see Barbara men have a higher sex

drive than women that's no reason to

start your motor running every

night John in the

pub he does it every night how do you

know well he told me men talk about

these sort of things I hope you don't go

discussing our sex life at The

Rifleman you do don't you not not

specifically don't tell me you've been

saying we do it every night no love well

thank goodness for that I said we did it

twice a

night I'm only joking well I should hope

so hey that reminds me you got any beers

in no we are not buying beers out the

housekeeping money well do you mind if I

nip out for a quick one oh why can't you

stay with me for a change just fancy a

drink that's all go on then but you

better be back here in half an hour why

do you think you'll be in the mood then

no but I'll tell you something if you're

not back in here in half an hour I will

be in a mood and not the sort you had in

mind there you go

Albert

hey what's the matter look at that

what's wrong with it well it's

cloudy they do look cloudy to me well it

does to me it's your glasses oh don't be

so D how can it

be what you right T me

glasses you want to be cleaning them now

and again he I thought it was a bit

foggy in here well Cheers

Cheers pack of the shoots

please oh hello Mr Kia how do how's the

addressing business oh is doing nicely

thank you I've gone

unisex get away I thought you were

always like that

no cheek okay no I must say it is nice

to have a few men popping into the salon

you know every now and again you must

come up and try me sometime thanks

Cheerio oh sorry my

pleasure I think he fancies you he

fancies everybody fine please

John I've I've I've nearly finished this

and one for my friend with the hollow

legs you're a good lad Norman hey don't

forget you're coming to dinner tomorrow

no no no I'm looking forward to it what

do we having roast pork and plenty of

crackling I and bread and butter pudding

for Afters hey I can't wait he did you

go to the match today no at St Barbara

shopping a she's got you well trained

she'll have you on a collar and Lead

next she's all

right fancy game of D well I've got

time you got out somewhere no but

Barbara said to be back in half an hour

hey John John did you hear that Barbara

said he got to be back in half an hour

it must be terrible to be

ineed you're asking for trouble Norman

what do you mean well I mean it's

obvious isn't it you haven't been

married a year yet and here she is

telling you when you can go out and what

time you got to go back home I wouldn't

stand for that but you've got to have a

bit of give and take in a marriage well

you've got that all right she's giving

the orders and you're taking them you're

going about it the wrong way lad am I

yes yes if you don't put your foot down

now your life won't be worth living oh

come on Albert he's right I'm older than

you are I've seen it happen before women

like men to be strong and dominant she

won't respect you for giving into her

are you sure of course I am she'll think

more of if you stand up to her you can't

let wives have their own way you've got

to let them know who boss a man must be

mastering his own house she does get a

bit bossy there then are you going to

crawl Al with your tail between your

legs or are you going to say and we

going to have another

P same

again oh hello Mrs Kia I'm sorry to

trouble you only I just wondered if

Norman was there he went out over 2

hours ago and he's still not back

dear Norman women are not exactly like

men I've noticed that no no no no not

physically I mean though I come to think

of that I have seen one or two wouldn't

look out of place in a rugby team no no

I mean mentally you see it's a

scientific fact that women's Brains are

smaller than ours is that right yes so

it stands to reason if they're smaller

then must be something missing I suppose

they must ah yes so therefore they they

must be inferior but they do have their

good points oh I don't deny that all

they're good enough at cooking and

cleaning but once you let them get the

upper hand you've had it you can't have

two bosses that's true now when you get

married a man promises to love and

sherish and one woman promises to love

to love and obey oh we we didn't have

the old bab B that's your fault

Norman it's telephone it's your wife

she's after you oh dear Norman don't

weaken be firm be

masterful

yes

hello yes of course I know what time it

is I happen to be having a drink with

with my friends I'll be home when I'm

ready now listen I am the head of the

house and if I want another drink I

shall have another

drink

right well done Norman I'm proud of you

I bet she was surprised wasn't she she

was hi do you know something this could

be the turning point of your marriage it

could

Barbara told me not to bother coming

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

home

morning I know

man I was a

c

lumpy hardly slept all night I feel

terrible oh well you don't look so good

yeah have a nice cup of tea I think I'll

Twisted me back where's Ethel you've

gone around to your house I think I

better go around and see Barbara what

for

apologize apologizing apologize after

what she did I did behave a bit badly

all you did was I a few drinks is that

enough reason to lock you out of your

own house no well you can't back down

now she'll think nothing of you if you

do that you reckon I'm sure of it I know

I'm right she'll come around I hope so

you'll see if there's any apologizing to

be done she should do it if there's any

apologizing to be done he should be the

one to do

it I shouldn't have locked him out why

not he deserved it he was only having a

drink it's the thin end of the wedge

give a man an inch and he'll take a mile

you've got to show him who boss he's not

like Norman to be like this all men are

like that given half a chance stamp it

out now or you'll regret it I hope

you're right well of course I'm right

but what if Norman won't apologize he

will you mark my words he'll be around

here soon begging you to forgive him

got a swap no I don't know why I bother

with the Sunday papers there's nothing

in it but nudes and stories about going

on I like all that I don't know why

they're not more serious you know they

should have something religious in them

yeah there's a bit about religion in my

one all right let a look here

there sex change vica wants to be a nun

that's very

religious must be very

painful what most changing your sex oh

right don't think I'd fancy it I

shouldn't bother if I you Norman I can't

see you running around in a br and

nickers well come on where we going got

to wash the pots oh

thrillsville right

I'll wash you wipe no no no she usually

wipes who does Barbara I usually wash

she usually wipes stop napping grab a

teac cloth it used to be the other way

around what did me and Barbara she used

to watch and I used to wipe oh that very

interesting and then she changed it well

you shut up and start

wiping sorry you clumsy devil that's why

Barbara makes me wash says I'm accident

prone yes why don't you put those

Bunches of bananas in your pocket eh

we'll drain them it'll be

safer wonder what she's doing now look

forget about Barbara for a bit hey let

her do the worrying not

you I ate sunds why what's the matter

with Sundays well there's not to do well

we could go to church church I Church

yes you remember Church Norman it's that

big building with a steeple and stained

glass windows right the last time I went

went to church they threw water over me

and slapped me backside just for wetting

me nappy you're a ruddy ethen a and I

tell you another thing I'm a happy Ruddy

ethen you'll find out my lad when you go

sh bother go in then no don't be silly

we've all got to go one day whether we

want to or not ah but where do you go

when you go if you go well we either go

up to heaven or down to hell you see you

make it sound like a department store

going up halos and HS going down

pitchforks and shovels

you find out my land the day of your

funeral not going to have a funeral oh

don't be silly all got to have a funeral

you can't have a funeral if you haven't

got a body and I'm donating mine who to

the

zoo no medical science my skeleton and

organs will help future medical research

uhhuh what about Resurrection Day what

about it well when Gabriel blows his

horn and we all resurrect where will you

be scattered around some Hospital in jam

jars yeah your m is a long time around

the our house well you know what women

are like when they get alone you know

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit what you re

they talking about us I reckoned uh she

started to feel sorry for so take my

word for it she'll be around here in a

minute why is she's not she will be I

know women I've been through this before

what you mean you and E no no no no no

with my cousin ver she and her husband

Fred had a terrible R and she went home

to her mother's what happened well she

said she wouldn't come back till he

apologized and he said he wouldn't take

her back till she apologized and he won

well um she came home in the end ah good

mind you it um took a

while how long 3 years thank you very

much I think I'll go around and see

Barbara no no no no she'll be here

before long

are hey what did I tell you Albert

Norman in here

elel where is she sitting at home

waiting for you to go around and

apologize oh well are you going or not I

suppose better no he's not I'm not

talking to you the lad's got nothing to

be sorry for nothing to be sorry for

staying out all ours she locked him out

she should take him back just you keep

quiet you've done enough damage as it is

I've done not don't think I don't know

who's behind all this I've told you

before you shouldn't inter fear in other

people's lives I've just been giving the

lad the benefit of my experience no he's

right Mrs CER he's only trying to help

why can't Barbara come around here and

apologize yeah why can't she because I

told her not to oh now who's interfering

I'll thank you to speak when you spoken

to and I'll thank you to what what

you're saying Madam I'll say what I like

not in my house oh it's your house now

is it right where are you going back to

Barbara's and I'm not coming back till I

get an apology from both of

you now look what you've

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done I've just put the pork in the oven

for you I'm not hungry oh you'll have to

eat something love I never thought

Norman could be so

stup well they say you never know anyone

till you've lived with them I discovered

something about Albert that I never knew

until we were wed what was it well it

was our wedding night and we got into

bed I snuggled up to him and I found

something very

peculiar oh dear he had his sock

s he said he always slept in

them I think I'll ring Norman up what

well if I speak to him it'll give him a

a chance to say sorry well I wouldn't

but suit

yourself hello hello um Mr cier it's

Barbara could I speak to Norman just a

minute told you

Barbara I accept your apology

my apology isn't that what you rang for

no it isn't at rang so you could

apologize to me you locked me out well

you deserved it you're a male shist

Pig She's On

Up well it looks like being being a long

job oh this this is ridiculous one of us

has got to give in you can't lose pH now

Norman well Barbara's OB obviously not

going to apologize so it's up to me no

it isn't how else are we going to settle

it

arbitration what

arbitration when there's a union dispute

neither side can agree they go to

arbitration then neither side lose his

face and how are we going to do that

well first of all we meet on neutral

ground the poe then we find a third

party to act as mediator whose decision

will be binding to the other parties

John the bman we can have him he'll be

biased I but uh he'll be biased in our

favor

there morning morning morning morning oh

uh would you uh like to sit

here hello Barbara do friendly

Norman what's he doing here he's the

arbitrator oh no he isn't he's a man

he'd be biased fetch your wife nope

won't have her she's a woman well if you

won't accept a man and you won't accept

a woman who are you going to accept

morning

all excuse me you're just a person we

want

pardon yes we want you to arbitrate but

here in front of all these

people no you no you see uh they they've

had a Bary and I want you to listen to

to both sides and decide who's in the

right and who's in the wrong oh how

exciting it's just like Crown Court

isn't it that's who's going to begin we

will first of all he left me at home and

went out boozing you naughty

boy then she locked me out oh I say you

didn't then he called me Madam and she

walked out on me oh this is better than

Crossroads never mind about that who do

you think should apologize

first remember

Oliver who the heck's Oliver love story

what's that got to do with it well love

is never having to say you're

sorry he right Barbara we shouldn't have

to say we're

sorry not if we love each

other well uh I love

you I love

you oh chuck oh

no oh it's quite t isn't

it well come on you two it's your turn

to kiss and make

up but go

on will you forgive me

e there's nothing to forgive

Albert I'm so glad we're all friends

again now so I I was beginning to think

we won't get our Sunday dinner oh my God

we've left the rose pork in the

oven every time I look

you I'm so glad that

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you're I've been growing closer

to as the years come

G shering for o

me and they

are s but still

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