01x05 - September 2, 1998

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is

It Anyway?Tonight's performers, his name

rhymes with Girwood, Brad Sherwood. Her

name rhymes with Gil Mama, Karen

Maruyama. His name rhymes with Orange,

Colin Mochrie. And the world's tallest

short guy, Ryan Stiles. And I'm your

host, Drew Carey. Come on, let's have

some fun.

Hi, welcome to Whose Line is in Anyway,

the show where everything's made-up and

the points don't matter. For those of you

unfamiliar with the show, what happens is

our four performers are going to come

down here and they're going to totally

improvise everything you need to see

tonight. It's all made-up right on the

spot. They haven't seen any of the

suggestions before the show. And we also

get suggestions from the audience during

the show. And at the end of each game, I

give them points, which don't mean a

thing because at the end, I'm just going

to pick the guy I like the best or the

girl I like the best. And

they get to do a little something withme.

You ready to get it started?First

game we're gonna do is a game called

Let's Make a Date. This is for all four

of you, and Ryan, Colin, and Brad are

gonna be contestants on a dating-type

show, hoping to be picked by the

beautiful and lovely Karen. And each of

them has been given a strange

characteristic or identity. This is the

first time they're seeing whatever's in

these envelopes here. And Karen's gonna

ask them questions about whether they

should go on a date or not, and try to

guess who they are at the end of the

round. So if you're ready, Karen, off you

go. Hi, Bachelor number one.

I'm a really fun-loving person. If you

were a MAC lipstick color, what would you

be?

I would be brown like the earth.

A good solid earth tone, but you

shouldn't wear so much makeup, you harpy.

You're funny, you use big words.

Bachelor number two, if I were Monica

Lewinsky, where would you take me?

Ohh Well, there's so

many ways.

God, you sound sexy. Um,

bachelor number three?Yes. What's your

idea of a really fun afternoon daytime

kind of date?Ohh I'd just like to,

you know, spend some time with you. I

think that's the main thing. You seem

like kind of a a hard egg, but I think I

could crack you-- crack her. cr*cker?

cr*cker?Oh!

God, you-- I

can't wait to get back to you. Bachelor

number one, what's your favorite color

and why?Another color question. Boy, I'll

tell you, the color of a willow switch

across your behind is what you need.

I'll raise your bond if you know what I'm

talking about. Okay, I like it,

love. Okay.

Gosh, you know what?Bachelor number two,

favorite garden plant. Oh,

yay!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

He's speaking in tongues.

And finally, fashion number three. Hello.

Bloomingdale's... Hello.

Who's a pretty girl?Hi. Who's a pretty

girl?Me.

I like that answer. I even asked the

question. I like that answer. I like that

answer. I like that answer. Hello.

Okay, Karen, you want to guess who they

are?I think bachelor number one thought

he was Sean Connery, yeah. No. NoNo

You want to try it one more time so you

won't look so bad?He was Sean Connery.

No, he was... James Bond. He was an Amish

guy. Ohh It's

so easy to get him confused, I know.

James Bond. My wagon turns into aFerrari.

Number two had no jaw.

No, he was a guy in a dentist's chair.

That was close. Okay, and number three

thought he was a parrot. Yeah!

All right! Well, 1,000 points to Karen

for that round, even though she got two

wrong, I think she was cute.

Now we go on to a game called Song

Styles. This is for Brad with Laura Hall

on the piano. Laura Hall, how about it?

Brad is gonna make up a song about

somebody in the audience. Turn right

behind me, and is there anybody here in

the audience who would like a song

made-up about him?You, ma'am, with your

hand raised. What's your name?Naroshi.

Naroshi. What do you do, Naroshi?What do

you do?You go

to UC San Diego, and what's your major?

Um, political science and economics. So,

Naroshi, who majors in political science

and economics.

Naroshi?Yeah. Naroshi. Probably rhyme in

that.

And, uh, he'll be singing in the style of

a rock love ballad.

I don't know what to do I'm

failing out of

political science

Neuroshie

I don't know what to say But

let us two go away

to France And sail

on the Reef Goshie

Naroshi Let's

cook some briochi

Naroshi I'll put on some

funk and oshi

Naroshi I love you

It's true

I want to sail across the

seven seas And the

Pacific Ocean

Road Sea

Oh Why?

Couldn't you have an easy ribbon

name

I have an easier time in this

game Niroshi

We're so closely Niroshi

Thank you, Niroshi. That was great. Thank

you very much.



Now we're going to a game called Daytime

Talk Show. This is for all four

performers. Brad, you're gonna be the

host of a daytime talk show. Ryan and

Karen, you're gonna be members of the

public appearing on the show. And Colin,

you're gonna be a guy in the audience who

asks questions. However, the subject

isn't a normal talk show subject. We're

gonna do, um.. We need a fairy tale or a

nursery rhyme from the audience. Alice in

Wonderland! Okay, that's

fine. That's fine. Alice in Wonderland,

that's a good one. Brad, Alice in

Wonderland is the subject, so whenever

you're ready, go ahead. Hello, and

welcome to Alice Doesn't Live Here

Anymore. Where does she live?We're not

really sure. We're trying to track her

down. So let's go to our first guest and

find out what you know about Alice and/or

Wonderland. Sir?I'm Lyle Moon. I own

Lyle's Glassware. And where's that

located, sir?5th and Johnson. And how

do you relate?I sold her the mirror.

Ah, the looking glass, as it were. Well,

I didn't know that. When I sold it to

her, I thought it was a mirror, otherwise

I would've charged her more. Now, how

tall was she at the time?5 inches or 14

feet?Well, I'm 6'6, so it's hard to

judge. All right. We'll get back to

you in just a minute. Please tell us who

you are and why you're here. Yeah, I'm

Lily Ha. She lives in my building, and

she has not paid her rent!

Oh, he's popping down rabbit hole, Lily.

I don't have it, I'm in a rabbit hole.

Yeah, right. Let me ask you, if

if I could ask you a question, sir, where

in town do you have this building?I

wait till I tell my husband, you call me

a hymn. Ohh I got

confused by the mustache, I'm sorry.

Alice still owes me for half the mirror

as well, so I would have to agree with

the Dutch girl.

Yeah! Well, actually, I'm Flemish.

Are you Flemish?Yeah! Maybe you could get

a hanky. All right, let's go to the

audience, shall we?Ohh Let's see, I'm

gonna take some questions. Yes, the

effeminate man right there.

Hi. I just want to say,

I think it's horrible that Tweedledum and

Tweedledum are over there. I've lured

this poor girl into a life of going

through mirrors and meeting strange

people. I mean, what is that?What is that?

I I have a good mind to come down there.

Yeah, you come in. You want a piece. You

want a piece. You want a piece?You want

me to go?You wanna go?You wanna... You

wanna take?

Well, as you can see, I don't think we're

gonna be able to solve this today. Tune

in next week because Alice doesn't live

anymore. Hey,

don't go away. We'll be right back with

more Whose Line Is It Anyways?Stay right

where you are.

Hey, welcome back. is it anyway?

And as a special treat for all you people

watching on an American-made television,

we're in 3-D.

Now we come to a game called props. Uh,

now we're gonna divide you into two

pairs. Colin and Ryan, this is, uh,

your prop right here.

I know. And, uh, Karen and Brad, this is

your prop. And the idea is they're gonna

make up as many things as they can with

these things, and I'll buzz them off in

between. And Ryan and Colin, whenever

you're ready, you can go ahead and start.

Well, you got a table for Elvis?

Iceberg! Cling, cling!

Because it is the people's

money.

I'll warn the other beavers.

I think they look very natural. Do

we have a table for Madonna?

Hi! It

must have been a heavy car.

Spock, put the tribbles down and help me

with the sh*t

Thank you very much.

I wasn't gonna give points to Brad, but

he gave me a dirty look. I'm not. Uh, in

case you were wondering, I was using the

doorbell instead of the buzzer, 'cause

the buzzer is broken.

Now let's go on to a game called Film

Dub. This is for Ryan, Karen and Colin.

You're going to make up dialogue for a

film scene. You'll be able to see it on

the monitor here. You'll be able to see

it at home. You're going to make up lines

for all the characters. And the scene I'd

like you to improvise is One Day in the

West. It's because I love

you. I've always loved you, and you know

that. It's long... Well, you say that a

lot, but you know what?I'm worried about

Bob. I really wish you wouldn't interrupt

me in the middle of a sentence. I was

saying how much I love you. I love you

more than the sun comes. Yeah, that's

right. I love ya. There's something wrong

with Bob. I tell you, he's not himself.

He's...

Forget about Bob. It's you and me, baby.

Ohh I'm the sheriff. I can do whatever I

want in this style. I love you.

I... I love... Ohh Look at this

haircut you gave

me! Look

what he did! Look what he did!

I asked for a perm! A perm, a perm, a

perm! No, no.. Geez, you let the

lungs rod in too long. Oh, I'm

sorry. I

guess I just got excited. Oh, God. Hey,

hello. Oh, my God. Oh, that was some

kiss. And your hat's... Oh, man.

I'll give 100 points to Colin 'cause he

doesn't get to talk about perms often.

Wow, man, oh, man. Now

we go... Now we go on to a game

called Sportscasters. This is for all

four of you. Brad and Karen, you're gonna

be sportscasters, like an ESPN type of

thing, and you're gonna be commentating

on an everyday event acted out by Ryan

and Colin. We'll act out the event in

slow motion. Ryan and Colin, you

are rival waiters.

Brad and Karen, whenever you're ready, go

ahead and start. Hello, and welcome to

ESPN's Waiting Tables

Championships. I'm Carl

Orangutang, here with Karen Chimpanzee,

and it's going to be quite the

competition today. Isn't it, Karen?

That's right. We're really excited. So

let's find out where the competition

is gonna start. Oh, looks like they're

already setting down the beverages.

They've got water, and oh... Looks like

Ryan has something up his sleeve. Uh-oh!

He does! A fist! Oh, that's right! He's

doing the the nose corkscrew trick.

That's right! Colin's got a loose grip

on his potato skins. Yowza, yowza.

Oh, it looks like he's doing the old

doctoring the drink trick. Yes, he

learned this when he was butter churning

on an Amish farm. Ouch! That's gotta

hurt! They don't teach this in sommelier

school. I've never seen that.

Ohh It's the carbonation mine freeze.

Ohh

I must say that Colin is a brute and so

is the champagne. That's right, Colin's

going for the zucchini. Oh, he's

gotten surprised for the bear. Hot

d'oeuvre cheese, and luckily there's a

microwave all in there to reheat his

head. Ohh Hope he has no metal in his

skull. ohh

He looks like Sweeney Todd from the

Broadway musical. That's going to be

painful. Yeah, that's going to hurt. What

has he got here?Oh, ohh he's laying down

some very expensive

cutlery. And what's he got-- oh!

Speaking of cutlery, oh, all hands on

down. The

old back door, Chris.

Hey, what do you know?Now that we finally

found an American one, it's working

again. God bless

America.

Okay, now we go on to a game called...

Hoedown.

Everybody's favorite game with the help

of Laura Hall on the piano. What I need

from the audience. Let's take the ignored

section over there, then we get done.

I need something about modern life that

annoys you. Something about modern life

that annoys you.

Uh, kids at a movie theater is pretty

good.

Iron Tourist. That's a pretty good one,

Tourists. So, Laura, why don't you start

the Tourist or Kids in a Movie Theater

hoedown.

Tourists are the one in shorts with

sandals on their feet When I drive

around, I run them over in the street

I do that for my town's own

protection I am singing a song for the

ignored section

Tourists from Japan are really the

best. They're used to traveling

without any rest. I look

just like them. Ah, what the heck?

Except that I don't have a great big

camera on my neck.

The other day I was at a movie. The kids

were all loud. They were making noise and

throwing stuff. What an ugly crowd. I

told them there's something, and then

they all cried. I ruined the movie.

Told them Bambi's mother died.

I hate it at the movies When all the kids

scream I have to admit that is

really not my scene But one thing's for

sure An usher I will not call I

just sit in front of them I'm over six

feet tall I'm over six feet tall

That was great. Come go away. We'll be

right back with more of Whose Lion is it

Anyway, right after these commercials.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Lion is it

Anyway. The next runners, Colin Ryan.

Colin Ryan. I

have nothing at all to do with the

points. I just like them best. And we're

gonna play a game called Stand, Sit, Ben.

In this game, one of us must always be

standing, one must always be sitting, one

must always be bending over. And if

anybody changes positions, the other ones

have to make up for it. And, Brad, what's

our scene?You are having a showdown in a

Wild West saloon.

All righty.

Ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling.

This town's not big enough for the two of

us. So what are you saying?

I'm saying we ought to settle this like

men, you knowWait a minute! I don't want

any fights in here. I want you to be the

ref. All right, I'll accept that job.

But I ain't gonna be fair, I'll tell you

that. All right.

Now, I don't want any problems in the

bar. I'm just gonna put away all the

liquor. We'll go at the count of three.

You cheat. Okay. Cheet-ally, ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Uh..

Please, you thank me enough, stop

balling. All right, are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. All right. On the count

of three, you both turn around and walk

the opposite ways. What?On

the count of three?On the count of three,

you stand back-to-back and you both go

opposite ways. So on the count of

three... Wait, I want that way. Okay, let

me be here. You've got to stand

back-to-back, don't you understand me?

Please stand back-to-back. Yes. How much

clearer can I make this?All right,

back-to-back.

I'm back-to-back. Well, that turns

in my way. Take three paces. One,

two, three. Turn around and fire. Oh,

God, you got me there. Oh, oh, that got

me fed. Hey,

thanks for watching Whose Viners Anyway.

We'll see you another time. Goodnight.