01x03 - August 19, 1998

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is

It Anyway?Tonight's performers, whatever

you do, don't step in 'em. Greg Froops.

If you're a lady, you gotta love Wayne

Brady. Science experiment gone wrong.

Colin Mochrie and his fetish creator,

Brian Stiles. I'm your host, Drew Carey.

Come on down and let's have some fun.

Hey, welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The show where everything's made-up and

the points don't matter. Hope you enjoyed

watching The Drew Carey Show just now.

If you've never seen the show before,

what happens is these guys are gonna come

down and they're gonna come down on

stage, and they're gonna totally

improvise everything you're gonna see

tonight. It's all made-up right on the

spot, and they go by suggestions that

we've had that they've never seen before

and also audience suggestions. And then I

give them points for no reason, because

at the end of the show, I just pick the

guy I like best, and they

get to do something with me.

So maybe the points are more important

than I thought they were. Uh, you ready

to do the first game, see how it goes?

Okay.

First game is called Let's Make a Date.

It's a game for all four of you, uh,

Ryan, Colin and Wayne. You're gonna be

contestants on a dating-type show, hoping

to be picked by the handsome and

Natalie-dressed Greg.

Hell, yeah. Each of you is gonna be given

a strange characteristic or, uh,

identity. It's on the cards there. They

haven't seen these cards before, uh, just

now. And Greg's gonna question them, just

like you're doing a dating show and try

to pick out who he wants to go out with.

So, uh, Greg, when you're ready, go do

it. Contestant number one.

Hi.

Bonjour.

How are you?I am fine, but not

as fine as you.

ohh Oh, ohh wow. Contestant number two.

Yes. Hello. HelloHi. Hi

HiHiI heart

eating. Uh, if we were gonna go out on a

date, where might you take me to eat?

Well, yeah. Excuse me.

Take you to eat.

Well, I'll probably take you to a

restaurant. This is where the food is! Go

to the restaurant! Go

to the restaurant! We're gonna go to

the rest...

You sound hecka fun. Uh,

contestant number three... How are ya?

Good, how are you?I'm very good, thank

you. I love the

out-of-doors. If we were gonna... Yeah.

If we were gonna go somewhere, you know,

outside, where where would you go?Well,

I've never been inside, so, uh..

I don't know, we might roll around in the

mud for a while, take good care of you.

You wouldn't get hurt, have to take me to

the court and sue. Sue! Sue! Sue!

Ah

Contestant number... Oh. Oh. Uh..

I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

Um, where would you take me if we were

gonna go out dancing?I would take you to

the top of the moon, and then I would

spin you around a crater and slap your

lunar surface.

Number two. If you

were a carpenter, would you rather

use a drill or a hammer?

I love you.

You're great. You're just...

I didn't hear the last part.

Um.. Number three. If I were mashed

potatoes, what would you spoon over me?

I'm sorry, I was... thinking about

something else.

Okay, Greg, do you want to guess who they

are?Is it hot in here, Drew, or is it

just me?Number one is a

French guy, but there's something about

the moon. He's a French astronaut of some

kind?He's a romantic French guy with...

The greatest lover in France. He's the

greatest lover in France. And

Colin is my Uncle Ted. Yes, it's your

Uncle Ted! How did you...

At number three is someone who was in

the... he's a country guy from the cast

of Deliverance, Hog Caller. He's a hog

caller uh who loves other things. He's a

pig... He's a pig farmer from Arkansas.

Of course he is. Okay.

Thank you. And

I got to give 1,000 points to Ryan for

reading my mind.

All right. Now we come to a game called

Scene to Rap. In this game, Greg and

Wayne, you're gonna make up a scene, and

you'll be joined later by Ryan and

Collin. And you're all gonna be rapping,

accompanied by mixmaster Laura Hall.

We need a suggestion to the audience, a

place where people work. A hospital.

Hospital. Okay, good one. Rapping about

the hospital, and whenever you're ready,

go.

Well, there we go, that's that. We better

call the nurse right up his staff.

Because this guy, he might lose his life

race. Because you see, he is a terminal

case. We need the doc and we need a

nurse. Hurry to it, staff. Man, I can't

rehearse. We gotta save his life. He has

kids and wife. And if we're not capable,

he'll go under the knife. Oh, okay, so

he's gonna die. But I got to ask myself,

why?I don't know why I'm here. I'm a

neurologist. I'm with you, and you're a

proctologist. Oh, yeah, look. It's okay.

I'm gonna get the nurse. Hey, hey, hey,

heyHey, hey, heyI'm the doctor on the go,

and oddly enough, my name's Dr. No. If I

could rap, that would be a sensation, but

I can't. You see, I'm just a Caucasian.

Say it,

hey. Say it, hey. Say it, hey.

Say it, hey. Say it, hey. Can't rap. No.

We need some help, pronto Or else this

man's life will soon go Can't you do

anything, won't you please?Because I'm

begging you, babe, please, please Well, I

know he's a man, so we don't need a pap

But I'll take these two things and tap,

tap, tap So good. So good.

So good. Hey there,

buddies, look at him He's there, he's

there, and his name is Jim What once was

is no longer where He's coming with me,

I'm the Grim Reaper

ohh A thousand points for Wayne, 'cause

the ladies love the way he walks.

Now, let's play a game called Hats. This

is for all four of you. Ryan and Colin,

come get your box of hats. Greg and

Wayne, come get your box of hats. Get

your boxes, take them to your little

corners. Can you get that call?Yeah.

Okay, this game goes back and forth

really quick, and they have to use as

many hats as they can in the box to come

up with as many examples as possible of

the world's worst dating service video.

Start with Colin and Ryan anytime you're

ready.

Can it be a Knight Rider?

I haven't had it in four score and seven

years.

All I want is a few merry men.

I'm into safe sex.

And that's just my hat.

My last boyfriend gave me Hermes.

You got me, babe.

Um, hi. I'm the star of my own ABC

sitcom, and...

Lewis! Lewis!

And you don't need to worry. I'm aTrojan.

I'm looking for a girl who can keep her

mouth shut.

Care to be touched by an angel?

I'm looking for one good woman who's

willing to fight. Are you willing to

fight?I'll represent you.

Thank you very much.

Hey, let's go away with the right chat.

Where's these messages for more Whose

Line Is It Anyway?

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It

Anyway?The show where everything's

made-up and the punch don't matter. Nice

to have you back. And hey, if you're

watching on a TV that's made in America,

we're all naked right now. Uh,

now we come to a game that's called Weird

Newscasters. This is for all four of you.

Uh, Greg, you're gonna be the anchor of a

news program, and Colin, Wayne, and Ryan

are gonna help them out on the show. Uh,

Greg, your co-anchor is Colin, and Colin,

you can no longer hide his love for Greg.

And the sportscaster is Wayne. Wayne,

you're gonna be doingJames Brown.

Ohh And the weatherman is Ryan.

Ryan, you're the anchor's angry neighbor.

So, as soon as you hear the music, go

ahead and start the show.

Good evening. I'm packed nightly.

This is Action News, and

this is the top story. Drunken pigs

have taken over the town of Hattiesburg,

Mississippi. Colin?

You said that so nicely.

You know, if you're an X-Files fan,

you're into conspiracies and hidden

secrets, and sometimes those secrets just

have to come out. Sometimes

there's something unspoken between two

people, maybe more on the side of one

person than the other, but I've got to

tell you something, Greg. Ever since I

saw you in WPPL

out there in Omaha,Saying the news, My

heart just broke. My God, you're

beautiful. Kiss me. Kiss me like you've

never kissed an actor before. Oh,

God! I am truly a man!

Our second story, Colin, has come out.

Now...

it's time for sports. And I know

I'm ready for something. Wayne.

Wayne, let us know what's going on over

at the sports

world. HuhYou

gotta get up, huh Because the score was,

they don't want And hit a goal, huh A

goal, he did, huh Can't make one, hit me

He did, you were bad, huh Shut your

mouth, ha! Gotta hit a baseball now, huh

Should've hit it, I can't do

it, I can't... I can't get that goal,

huh Gotta get that goal, huh I can't do

it, I can't do it I can't do it, I can't

do it One more time?No, Jane, that's

enough. I can't do it, huh

I saw the way you looked at him, but I

don't care. You're big enough for the

both of us. Just use a Froot Loop.

Well, uh, now it's time for weather. And

let's go to Ryan over at the big

satellite weather map. Ryan, what's on

tap this weekend?Well, thank you, Pact.

Thanks for remembering me over here.

Thank you very much, Pact.

Well, we've got some, uh, cloudy, cloudy

weather, some bad weather coming in in

the next little while. And after seeing

you naked, prancing around the house,

I've got to say we've got some small

craft warnings to be seen.

We've got some lightning coming in, and I

hope it hits your house and fries you

like a steak. You could do better than

him. You're way too good for him. Back to

you, Pat. Well, thank

you. That's in the

news this evening, and I'm sure you've

enjoyed it as much as I am. Uh, have?

Tune in. Tune in.

Tune in tomorrow for Love Muffins, our

morning program. I'll be there with Colin

to explain everything. Good night,

everyone. A

million and a half points for Colin for

kissing Greg Proops.

Now we go on to a game called Greatest

Hits, one of my favorite games. This is a

game for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne with the

help of Laura Hall on the keyboard, Laura

Hall. Colin or Ryan, you're a

TV voiceover artist, and you're pitching

the latest compilation album. And Wayne,

you're going to sing snippets of the

songs. What we need from the audience is

a profession you wouldn't normally sing

songs about.

Bus driver. Bus driver.

That's a good one. So the name of your

album is Songs of the Bus Driver.

Hi. We interrupt the commercial to bring

you another commercial. We've got an

offer for you, over 500 songs on



why our old friend the bus driver?

Throughout the ages, well, at least the

ages where we had buses, the bus driver

has been our friend, and we've had songs

that went along with our bus driver

friend. Remember this?

Michael Jackson hit You're Not

on My Route.

Route?Route.

Uh, uh, tss, uh-uh.

You want me to go north, I'm

going south You're not on my

route, I mean route

You're, you're bugging me, you're making

me screamBecause you're

not a bus driver's dreamer I'm

driving the bus sauce My people in the

back Because where you're going Is it

common sense that you let I'm not going

You root rock You root rock Oh!

Michael Jackson, a wonderful singer and a

great head coach. You know, there's a lot

of songs that you won't hear in this

country that we've taken from others. How

much would you pay for a five-CD set like

this, or even a 50-CD set like this?Why,

I pay up to $50,000.

But I'm an idiot!

And you're from Canada, so with the

exchange, I'm still an idiot!

There areSo many hits on this

CD set that you can't listen to them all

in one day, but you can try. And you

know, none is more popular than that

number one country western hit simply

titled...

You know, when driving on the bus, or as

our Canadian friends say, a boost.

As our regular viewers know-- You made me

giggle. I know. As our

regular viewers know, I'm a pretty hip,

groovy guy. And I love the

'80s funk. Oh, who doesn't?Remember

that great one?I got a flat tire, I got a

flat tire.

Man, I didn't think that I'd be alive

Driving down the 405

All of a sudden, just like that My boss

went... Damn, I got so

flat Oh, that's right Makes

me want to retire Damn, baby,

I've got a flat I've got a flat, uh,

flat, uhYou know what I do, I've got the

flat. You do cool, say what?

I've

got the flat. Ow.

Hey!

Don't go anywhere. We'll come back to

Whose Line is gonna Wave. We're gonna

find out who the winner is. We're gonna

make you some improv with them. So stay

right where you are.

Hey, welcome back to Who's Army.

Tonight's winners are Ryan and Greg. Ryan

and Greg are the winners.

They're going to play a game with me

called Newsflash. What happens to

Newsflash is there are news people in the

newsroom. I'm going to be the guy that's

in the field. I'm going to be standing

right over here in front of this green

screen. The trick of this game is I don't

know what's on the green screen and only

the people watching the monitor knows. I

can't see the monitors anywhere. And I

have to try to guesswhat's on the green

screen during the course of the game. So,

uh, Ryan and Greg, whenever you're ready,

take it away. I'm Thomas Guide.

And I'm Mark the Page. And we've got Drew

Carey out in the field. Drew, can you

hear us, Drew?Uh, yeah, I can hear you

fine. Uh, it's a little windy in here, a

little noisy, but I can hear you pretty

good. Really, uh, how are you feeling

right now?Has there been any change?Uh,

uh, there's been quite a bit of

excitement since this morning. The, uh..

Boy, people are drinking like crazy, let

me tell you that. Drew, Drew, are you in

any sort of danger at the moment?Uh, no,

not that I know. They seem to like me

pretty much. And, uh, they like my

deodorant. So they're pretty much leaving

me alone, uh, whoever it is. Can you

characterize your feelings right now?

I feel very... alone.

Uh..

Alone and lonely. Drew, you're the

king in our book. You know that.

Do you have any solutions personally for

this?Oh, no, I leave that up to the

experts. I don't try to tell people what

to do. I'm just a lonely country

reporter. Well, Drew, you... Drew, do you

have any idea whether it's a red bum or a

blue bum?

Is there monkeys behind me?Do you

have any idea?Take a... take a big guess.

There's a giant King Kong or something,

right?

I can't believe you left out. Hey! Thanks

for watching. Whose Luck Is It Anyway?

Good night.