02x04 - Scene of the Crime

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Previously on
Why Women k*ll...

- [PANTING]
- Oh!

We tell the neighbors
that Mrs. Yost went away.

Or better still, we could arrange

for some of them to see her leave.

ALMA: They'll start to look for her,

miles and miles away
from our front yard.

RITA: He put a codicil in his will

saying that if I would embarrass him

with any men he didn't approve of,

he would disinherit me.

She'd be disinherited if
she was caught in

- a compromising position.
- You're asking me to screw her?

- So, that's her?
- Well, you got your answer.

- Now, let's go.
- Wait.

God, I am so stupid.

- Hey. Hey!
- I'm his lover.

You cheated on me with that?

You deserve each other.

It's over.

We have an opening for a new member.

I nominate Alma Fillcot.

She is very, very nice.

[PHONE RINGING]

NARRATOR: From the moment
the phone rang,

Alma Fillcot knew she was in trouble.

As every housewife knows,

good news...

never calls before 9:00.

- Hello?
- GRACE: Thank God you're home.

It's Grace. I...

I called you ten times yesterday.

I was out of town.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing much.

Except you're about to be ambushed.

Ambushed?

As you know,
I have been campaigning for you

to get the open spot
in the Garden Club. But...

well, Rita Castillo is not convinced
that you'll be a, um...

a good fit.

Oh, she... she's not?

I begged her to give you a chance.

So, she's decided to drop by your home

for a surprise inspection.

Rita is coming to my home?

With the entire nominating committee.

Today at 3:00.

My house is a mess.

Well, then don't spend
another second talking to me.

Grace, you-you are, you are a true pal.

Happy to help.

But if you tell Rita I warned you,

I will denounce you as a liar.

Oh, I understand completely.

I'm so glad.

Well, good luck.

NARRATOR: Alma
raced into her living room,

determined to clean like
she'd never cleaned before.

But as she looked
around at the worn sofa

and chipped knickknacks
that filled her modest home,

Alma realized hasty housework

wouldn't be enough to
impress the chic ladies

of the Garden Club.

What she really needed
was to fill her home

with lovely things.

And with no time to go shopping,

Alma did the next best thing.

She went to a dead woman's home,

and began borrowing.

NARRATOR: While Alma was busy
committing theft in Los Angeles,

her previous crime was being discovered

hundreds of miles away.

Who found it?

Well, some kid went fishing this
morning hoping to catch a trout.

Hooked a Dodge instead.

So, what do we think happened here?

Car's registered to a Carol Yost in L.A.

My guess?

She was on a road trip,
fell asleep at the wheel,

then drove into the lake.

Any sign of a body?

Not yet.

Guys.

Come here.

Look at this.

Looks like she had company.

- [BARKING]
- Rocco, come... Hey!

Rocco.

Hey.

- God. Not in Alma's flowers.
- [BARKS]

She'll lose her mind.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Alma?

- Rocco, come on.
- [WHIMPERS]

[KEYS JINGLE]

- Alma.
- [YELPS]

Lord. You scared me.

- Is that Mrs. Yost's lamp?
- Yes.

But I don't have time to explain.

We're under attack!

What? By who?

Alma.

- Stop.
- [SCOFFS]

Hey.

I insist you tell me what's going on.

If you must know,

the ladies from the Garden
Club are coming over today.

To judge us.

[SCOFFS]

Alma...

[PANTING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[PANTING]: What does that got
to do with Mrs. Yost's things?

Our house is drab.

It's filled to the rafters
with shoddy bric-a-brac.

But Mrs. Yost, on the other hand,

she had lovely things.

She possessed the kind of taste

that the Garden Club
ladies will respect.

That's your excuse to steal?

To impress a bunch of snobs?

Bertram.

If you will help me through
this very trying day,

I promise...

I will stop complaining about
all those people you've k*lled.

Think about it.

From this moment on,

we'll be even.

What a lovely vase.

Okay.

[FURNITURE THUMPING]

Hey. What's going on?

N-No, stop. You can't take my sofa.

It's not your sofa.

It's mine, remember?

I paid for everything in this apartment,

which you are leaving. Today.

Oh, you're still mad, huh?

Just a skosh.

Take these bottles to the truck.

And, you, take the suits.

You're taking my suits?

Oh, come on, Rita. Have a heart.

I do have a heart.

It's a shame you had to
find out by breaking it.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Now, I...

I know I messed up,

but if you get rid of these guys,

then I'll make it up to you.

You want to screw
your way out of this jam?

Fine.

But I'm not the one you need to seduce.

You're still trying to get me
in bed with Carlo's daughter?

If you can pretend to be
interested in a fat girl,

you can fake a bit of passion
for a middle-aged woman.

I never faked it with you, baby.

Ah!

Oh, you meant Catherine.

Leave nothing!

No, wait.

Rita, please.

Don't do this.

Catherine is out to destroy me.

And she'll succeed,
unless I get some leverage.

And you are the only one
who can help me do that.

But do I have to sleep with her?

A photo of Catherine in
bed with a young buck

would disinherit her.

That's how I'll blackmail
her out of my life.

And you can have your suits back.

What could be simpler?

But I'm an actor, not a wh*re.

Scooter, I've seen your acting.

I wouldn't be so quick to
rule out a more viable career.

Go to hell.

I don't need you.

We'll see about that.

Oh.

And I paid for this, too.

SCOOTER: Hey!

Hey, Mrs. Ayashi.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

MAN: Is this Vern Loomis?

Sure. Who's this?

The guy whose life you ruined.

You'll have to be more specific.

You think this is funny?

Sophie's going to divorce me.

Ah...

This must be Mr. Hemple.

And she told my boss.

Then he fired me because of you.

No, Sid.

He fired you because
you were knocking boots

with his secretary.

You're going to pay for
what you did to me, Loomis.

Oh, so dearly.

[LAUGHS]

"Oh, so dearly"?

Who taught you how
to make death threats?

- Noël Coward?
- [LINE CLICKS]

Hello?

Sid?

[SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR BELLS JINGLE]

DEE: Scooter.

What's with the getup?

Long story.

Come on.

So, what do you want?

Rita threw me out of my apartment.

Huh.

Was it something I said?

- That's not funny.
- Hey.

You lied to me.

You can't blame me for getting sore.

Okay.

It's all my fault.

So, what do you need?

Money.

I'm down to my last 22 cents.

Boy.

You got some nerve.

I know.

But I'm desperate.

I could end up on the streets.

[SIGHS]

That's all I got. Take it.

Thank you. [SNIFFLING]

Scooter, don't.

I never meant to upset you.

I just thought we were having fun.

You were having fun.

I was falling in love.

I didn't know.

I'm sorry.

Maybe this turned out for the best.

There's got to be someone out there

who'll treat you better than I did.

Yeah. You may be onto something.

BERTRAM: What on earth?

Did you take another one of her dresses?

Our house isn't the only thing
that needs to look good today.

[SIGHS] Such a difference in this room.

Do you want me to take the rest
of our things to the attic?

Hmm?

- Alma?
- Yes.

Take it to the attic.

But...

That should go, too.

BERTRAM: The portrait of our family?

- Why?
- The woman in that picture

is not Garden Club material.

[BERTRAM SCOFFS]

Take it down.

[STAMMERS]

It's just for one night.

Fine.

It just seems ridiculous.

Oh, sh**t. I forgot about that.

Too bad.

- Back it goes.
- No, wait.

I've got a better idea.

Come with me.

Now, this is a painting.

- I like our picture better.
- How can you compare them?

Well, our portrait says
you value family.

Uh, you have
a loving husband and daughter.

I doubt that's going to impress
the ladies of the Garden Club.

But this...

This will help convince them
that we're sophisticates,

that we've been to Paris.

Why do you want to join
a club you can only get into

by pretending to be someone you're not?

This painting may not be who I am,

but it's who I yearn to be.

Which is a healthier dream
than some I could mention.

You said you'd stop bringing that up.

If you helped me.

Will you take the painting down or not?

Fine. I just hope it's all worth it.

Yes, of course.

It's the one touch the room needs.

It was a stroke of genius
to come back for it.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Oh, dear.

Good God. Why are the police here?

ALMA: I don't know.

But let's not discuss it
in front of the window.

Maybe they're investigating
Mrs. Yost's disappearance.

Of course.

You're right. This is good.

This is what we wanted to happen.

Not while we're robbing her house.

Right.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [GASPS]

- [KNOCKING]
- LAPD!

You see anything?

Nope.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Psst.
- Shh!

[WHISPERING]:
Let's head out the back, all right?

Grab the painting first.

You want me to steal it with the police

literally on the doorstep?

We're not stealing it.
We're just borrowing it.

Yes, I'm sure they'll
understand the distinction.

- Regardless, I need it.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay.

Just give me two minutes. All right?

I'll help you get out of here.

- What are you going to do?
- Shh.

Alma.

Check that window.

Yoo-hoo!

Officers.

Hello.

Yes. Hi.

Can I help you?

Well...

Maybe. Do you know
the lady who lives here?

Which, this? Yes, this one.

Oh, yes. Mrs. Yost. Of course, yes.

Why do you ask?

Well, when was the last time
you saw her?

Um, two days ago.

She was leaving on a trip.

Somewhere up north, I think.

Was she traveling by herself?

Yes. Yes.

My-my husband, um,
saw her leave, actually.

And so did our neighbor
across the street.

Is-is everything...

Is everything all right?

Well, we're not sure.

Her car was found near
San Luis Obispo, in a lake.

A lake?! Oh, the news...

It's just... [MUMBLING HYSTERICALLY]

[SCREAMS]

Terrible. Lakes are so...

deep, it's... I'm okay.

- You-you sure?
- Yes.

I'm so sorry. [CHUCKLES]

You seem pretty emotional.

Oh, yes. Well, I am...

going through the change. You know?

So, was Mrs. Yost planning
to meet anyone up north?

No.

Why? Was she seen with someone?

- Not that we know of.
- No.

But there were footprints
on the riverbank.

Two sets.

Really?

So, she might still be alive.

Don't worry. We'll keep looking for her.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Aren't you dedicated?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

If you gentlemen will excuse me,

- I'm expecting guests shortly.
- Of course.

Here's my card.
If you should hear from Mrs. Yost,

- give me a call.
- Of course. Thank you.

And, uh, ma'am.

Don't be embarrassed.

Hey, my mom is going through the change.

She sweats even more than you do.

How gallant of you.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- DEE: Hey. It's me.

- Got plans for lunch?
- Yeah.

I thought I'd leave here at 1:00
and head over to your diner.

My shift ends at 12:30.

Well, that's too bad. You know?
I was looking forward to seeing you.

Well, I could always stay
and have lunch with you.

I'd like that, very much.

It's sort of romantic,
when you think about it.

Having our first date
at the place we met.

Hey, what now?

See you at 1:00.

Did-did you say date?

Hello?

You son of a b*tch.

This day just keeps
getting better and better.

You call yourself a detective?

You know who Scooter's
cleaning lady was?

She was a 20-year-old in a wig.

You knew?

Why didn't you tell me?

I talked to the girl.

Told her she could do
better than a pretty boy

who makes her dress up like Ma Kettle.

She got the message and dumped him.

What's her name?

Why do you want to know?

She humiliated me.

I want to see her punished.

She's a good kid.

Leave her alone.

Mr. Loomis.

Tell me her name,

and I'll make it worth your while.

Nice try, but I can't be bought.

Please.

Everyone has a price.

So how much did
Mr. Castillo pay for you?

I beg your pardon.

It's obvious, you never loved him.

You only married him because you knew

he'd buy you pretty things.

But that didn't fill up
that hole in your soul.

So, you got yourself a gigolo.

Fooled yourself into
thinking that he loved you.

Now, you know he didn't.

And so, you're starting to panic
because you finally learned

that the real thing ain't for sale.

And the guys who might have
loved you back in the day

are now only interested in...

fresher produce.

You can't speak to me that way.

No one speaks to me that way.

Well then,
no one's been telling you the truth.

What did the police say?

They found Mrs. Yost's car.

That's all?

You were talking to them
for a very long time.

You looked upset.

Of course I looked upset.

I just found out that
my neighbor is missing.

Well, I mean,
we almost left your purse in the car.

I was wondering if we'd
forgotten anything else.

If they were onto us.

They're not onto us. Just calm down.

Sorry. Yes.

I'll just go and take the rest of
our family up to the attic.

Bertie?

Yes, dear?

I was right about the painting.

It really does bring
the whole room together.

Yes, dear.

So I was thinking after this,
we could go to a movie.

The new Abbott and Costello
is playing down the street.

That sound good?

Sure. [CLEARS THROAT]

Okay. What gives?

What do you mean?

Ever since you got here,
I've been doing all the talking.

Where's the sarcasm?

The snide banter?

Guess I'm a...

I'm a little nervous.

On the phone, you said this was a date.

Yeah. So?

Yeah. So, it-it's been a while for me.

That doesn't make sense.

You're such a nice guy.

There must be tons of girls
wanting to snap you up.

Yeah, well... [CHUCKLES]

Surely,
you must have had someone special.

There was this one girl.

We were engaged.

What happened?

I went to w*r,

and she didn't like
the guy who came back.

You must have seen a lot of death, huh?

Well, it was a w*r.

If there's no death,
it's just guys in helmets on vacation.

There we go.

There's my snide banter.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

JUDY: Here you go, mister.

One chuck steak, very rare.

Thanks.

Oh, and, miss?

Yeah?

- I'm gonna need a knife.
- Sure.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[BARKING]

Bertram, they're here.

Put the kettle on and get your jacket.

You weren't this nervous
when the police showed up.

There's not a cop alive who scares me

as much as Rita Castillo does.

What a shabby little house.

Oh, but the garden's lovely.
Don't you think?

Daisies, ferns and poppies?

God.

Why doesn't she just hang a sign saying,

"We're middle class"?

Someone's in a mood.

Sorry. It's been one of those days.

Well, just don't take it out on Alma.
All right?

It's bad enough we're
showing up here unannounced.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Okay.

Ladies.

ALL: Hello.

What a surprise.

I know you expected a formal interview

with the membership committee,
but Rita decided...

We decided to just drop by.

Get a sense of your home,
and how you live.

You know? See the real you.

[CHUCKLING]: Well, here I am.

Do come in.

Please make yourselves
comfortable. Hello.

[CHUCKLING]: Right. Hello.

Did we catch you at a bad time?

Oh, no. I-I-I was...

just cleaning.

In that?

Oh. [STAMMERS] Yes.

I, uh, well,
I'm stopping by my church later

with some homemade scones
for their bake sale.

When they're out of the oven,
perhaps you'd like to try some.

[BELL DINGS]

And they're done.

What perfect timing.

- A little too perfect.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Now that we have our beverages,

can I offer you a tour in my garden?

No need. We saw it on our way in.

Are you sure you saw the whole garden?

It's not a large property.

Alma. What a nice piano.

You know, I used to play.

- Oh.
- But my manicurist told me to stop.

I kept breaking my nails.

ALMA: Speaking of nails,

how do you ladies keep
your hands so lovely

and tend to your gardens?

Mine are just a fright from
all the weeding and thorns.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Did I say something funny?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

They're just amused

because you think
we do our own gardening.

[CHUCKLING]: Oh. I get it.

I just, I just assumed

because you're all so fond of flowers...

I'm also fond of roast chickens.

Doesn't mean I want
to chop their heads off.

Why not? You'd be so good at it.

Alma, I love all of your knickknacks.

Especially that painting of Paris.

You know, it's my favorite city.

Have you ever been?

Oh, yes. Oh...

Many times.

Many times?

Tell me, where do you like
to stay when you're in Paris?

Oh, we... Oh...

Well, we always...

Bertram, help me.

Where do we stay in Paris?

Hotel? Pied-à-terre?

Oh, that's it. Yes.

That's the one. The Hotel Pied-à-Terre.

It's so charming.

The "Hotel Pied-à-Terre."

I think that's the name.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh.

More guests.

- Uh, Bertram. Shall we?
- On my way.

[WHISPERING]: You might
have been more helpful back there.

I don't lie as nimbly as you.

- Hello.
- Joan.

I hope you don't mind me
bringing my Aunt Martha.

Her doctor's appointment ran late,

and there wasn't time
to get her home first.

I don't have to come in.

I can wait in the car.

JOAN: Then complain all
the way home I abandoned you?

I'm not falling for that again.

The more the merrier. So... [CHUCKLES]

Please come in.

This way. Yes. You, too.

Welcome. Welcome.

[BOTH LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

Take the old woman to the dining room.

She's clearly in a foul mood.

I don't want her ruining
my party for the nice ladies.

When do they arrive?

Think, uh, think that's enough tip?

Sure. I'll take it over to Judy.

We need to hurry if we're
going to make that movie.

All right. [GRUNTS]

Sid Hemple.

What're you doing here?

What do you think, Mr. Loomis?

I think you're following me.

Doesn't feel good, does it?

Knowing you're being watched.

Is there another way out of this place?

Through the kitchen. Why?

We got a situation.
There's no time to explain.

Okay. Follow me.

Vern, who is that creep?

The husband of one of my clients.

- He looks angry.
- Yeah, well,

I know what she'll
be getting in alimony.

Trust me, he's furious.

Where do you think you're going, Loomis?

Look, just calm down, Sid.

All right? We-we don't want any trouble.

That's too bad because you got it.

In buckets.

Dee.

- Go back into the diner.
- The hell I will.

VERN: Do what I'm telling you!

Vern!

[GRUNTING]

DEE: Hey!

Don't you touch him!

[GROANING, GRUNTING]

- Ah!
- OFFICER: Hey!

- What are you doing?
- Help! This man just attacked us!

Stop!

Vern, did he cut you?

Your leg. How bad is it?

- Let me see.
- Okay. I'm fine.

I said I was fine.

Oh. You're kind to look after me.

And I'm sorry I spoiled your party.

Oh, it's not my party.

I'm delighted you're here.

Well, you're the only one.

I don't fit in with my
niece's fancy friends.

Well, do you want to know a secret?

Neither do I.

[CHUCKLES]

And I'm not sure my wife does either.

- Refills.
- MARTHA: Oh.

- Martha? Are you all right?
- Uh...

Never get old, Bertram.

Oh, you lose so much.

Your home, your freedom, your health.

Your health?

Are you ill?

I'm falling apart.

Oh, but you don't want
to hear how sick I am.

Oh, but I do.

I really do.

ALMA: Does anyone else need wine?

Well, I could certainly use some.

The week I have had.

Well, first, my sister dumps
Aunt Martha on my doorstep.

Then I met my 24-year-old son's

new girlfriend, Myra.

Chip is dating
a twice-divorced fry cook and...

Get this... she's 36.

- No.
- Yes, so...

So, pour like there's no tomorrow.

Thirty-six?

[CHUCKLES] That's what?

- 12 years older?
- I know.

He is tossing his life away.

No, no, no. What I'm saying is,

it's not that much of an age difference.

Right?

Grace, you're out of tea.
I'll make some more.

JOAN: Maybe I didn't make this clear.

Chip wants to marry Myra.

Ah. I mean,

how can I get grandchildren
when this dame

is five minutes away from menopause?

I hate cradle robbers.

MAVIS: Oh. You just want
to shake them and say,

"Honey, that kid on your arm
who makes you feel so young,

is making you look really old."

- GRACE: It's so sad.
- JOAN: It's sad.

- MAVIS: Yes, it is sad.
- JOAN: It's sad.

Excuse me.

- Do you need more wine?
- Actually,

I was wondering if you
had anything stronger.

Oh, you mean like spirits?

Yes. Of course.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Is everything all right?

- Oh, I'm just having a bad day.
- Oh.

Oh. Rye whiskey?

Oh...

Well, I guess beggars can't be choosers.

[ALMA CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

It's hard for me to imagine
Rita Castillo having a bad day.

Why? Because I'm rich?

Because you're so beautiful.

- [GASPS] Ooh. That hurt.
- Oh.

Do you have any ginger ale?

Yes. [CLEARS THROAT]

You probably take
your looks for granted.

But believe me,

you're breathtaking.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I used to be.

Beauty like yours doesn't fade.

You'll be stunning until your dying day.

You don't know what I would
give to look in the mirror,

just once, and see a face
like yours gazing back at me.

Why, even standing here now,

talking to you like
we're two old friends, I...

I feel like I've won the lottery.

I'm babbling, aren't I?

I always seem to do that with you.

[CHUCKLES]

What you must think of me.

I think you're a very nice lady.

[LAUGHS]

Probably too nice for this club.

Though you do seem to have
a few tricks up your sleeve.

How do you mean?

Alma, if you've been to Paris,

I've been to the moon.

I'm so embarrassed about that.

I-I do,
I know better than to put on airs.

Oh, you weren't putting on airs.

You were putting on armor.

- Armor?
- Mm-hmm.

Like that dress.

Now, come on.
That's never been in your closet.

No. You're right. I, um...

borrowed it.

Well, good for you.

I admire women who
try to remake themselves.

Reject the hand they were dealt,

become someone new.

Smarter, prettier, stronger.

When women like us do it well enough,

no one can imagine we
were ever anyone else.

[GIGGLES]

I feel like you have
so much to teach me.

Well, maybe I will.

My time has freed up a bit.

I can use a new project.

That mean you'll let me be in the club?

Sure.

Under one condition.

You got to start stocking better booze.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hey.

I-I really need to see Rita.

She told me you cheated
on her with a fat girl.

She doesn't want to ever see you again.

I know she's mad.

But I don't got a cent.

And I need a place to sleep tonight.

Uh, is there any way you
could give me ten bucks?

I-I'm begging.

For God's sake. Wait here.

[SIGHS]

Do I know you?

Uh...

I don't think so.

I do. You work for the dry cleaner.

Oh.

Yeah. That's me.

I'm Catherine, Mr. Castillo's daughter.

Don't move.

I took this out of my household account.

But I'm on a budget,
so don't ask for more.

How much is it?

Six dollars and 52 cents.

- Well... [SCOFFS]
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

I'm so glad I caught you.

I don't know if these
pants can be salvaged.

You see, my papa, he's not well.

So, he has his "accidents."

Just clean them as best as you can.

Don't you worry, ma'am.

We'll get your father's
pants as good as new.

I forgot.

You still owe me 20,
for those linens last week.

Thanks.

If it's not too forward
of me to say, ma'am,

that scarf looks lovely on you.

Thank you.

What a charming young man.

Hmm.

So, you're sure that it's cancer?

Yes.

And the pain is intolerable.

But I've gone on about
my suffering long enough.

How bored you must be.

No, it's fine.

In fact, if you ever
want some company...

[GASPS]

You would come visit
an old windbag like me?

Oh. What a dear man you are.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

- [LAUGHTER]
- And then, after all that,

I had to put up all
the ornaments myself.

[LAUGHTER]

Why didn't your husband help you?

Oh, don't get me started on my husband.

RITA: Oh, Joan.

No one has to get you started.

You're self-winding.

[LAUGHTER]

Is that your way of saying
I've been dominating the conversation?

[LAUGHTER]

Fine.

Alma, the powder room is...?

- Just down the hall.
- Thank you.

[SCOFFS] Honestly?

A ten-minute story about
hanging Christmas decorations?

Don't be mean, Rita.

I-I adore Joan. I do.

It's just, she's such a damn chatterbox.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't you agree, Alma?

ALMA: Oh, um...

Well, I-I-I could listen to
Joan talk about herself all day.

And...

if I get into the club,
I suppose I will.

[LAUGHTER]

You said your wife didn't fit
in with my niece's friends.

Sounds to me,
she's fitting in just fine.

[LAUGHTER]

Alma.

Do you have a dog?

We're taking care of
our neighbor's. Why?

You better put it on a leash.

It's in your garden, digging like mad.

[GASPS]

[GROWLING]

What are we going to do?

[PANTING]: Tie up the dog.

Get a shovel and some
fertilizer from the toolshed.

Cover the body.

I'll keep the ladies
inside until you're done.

JOAN: Come, Aunt Martha.
It's time to go.

And hurry.

Alma, there you are.

We were just saying our goodbyes.

You're leaving? So soon?

Well, you've been very gracious,

but we don't want to
overstay our welcome.

No. You can't leave.

Oh. Why?

It's not safe.

We're-we're looking after
our-our neighbor's dog.

Vicious little beast,

it's already bitten
several people this week.

We had him tied up out back,
but he got loose.

Bertram is subduing him.

But while he does,
let's just stay safe and sound.

It's been too nice a party to
end in shrieks and ankle bites.

Just how dangerous is he?

Ah, you know what would
help pass the time is music.

[CHUCKLES] Mavis, I know
that your manicurist will scold you,

but would you play something for us?

- Play? Sure.
- Oh.

- You know, I sing as well.
- Oh.

As well as who?

Oh, Rita. I'm sure
she sings marvelously.

Ladies, gather round now.

Mavis is going to dazzle us. All right.

Now, this is a little something
I used to sing in college.

[PLAYS ASCENDING SCALE]

♪ In olden days a glimpse of stocking ♪

♪ Was looked on as something shocking ♪

♪ Now heaven knows ♪

Everybody sing.

ALL: ♪ Anything goes... ♪

Rocco. Rocco!

Come here!

♪ Writing prose... ♪

- [BARKING]
- What are you doing? No.

♪ The world has gone mad today ♪

♪ And good's bad today ♪

♪ And black's white today ♪

♪ And day's night today ♪

♪ When most guys today ♪

♪ That women prize today ♪

♪ Are just silly gigolos ♪

♪ So though I'm not
a great romancer... ♪

- [BARKING]
- Oh, shush!

♪ When I propose ♪

♪ Anything goes ♪

♪ Anything goes ♪

♪ Anything goes. ♪

So how's he doing?

He refuses to go to the hospital.

Vern.

I'm fine. I just needed a few stitches.

I need you to stay put for a sec.

You still got to sign a release form.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

So...

Why didn't you tell me about your leg?

You mean the one that looks like
a charred piece of barbecue?

Golly. I'm not sure.

Is that why your girl dumped you?

I wrote her from
a hospital bed in France,

and I told her I got hurt real bad.

She wrote back saying
I served my country,

and she was proud of me.

That it didn't matter to her.

But when I got back home and she saw...

The look on her face was...

She didn't handle it well?

No.

She broke up with me a week later.

That's why you haven't
dated anyone else?

You just gave up on love?

I couldn't stand to see that
look on another woman's face.

Besides, there's...

there's worse things than being alone.

Hey.

I'm right here,

and I'm not going anywhere.

ROHBIN: Now, what is going on here?

Rohbin.

You know,
I thought I smelled cheap cologne.

[CHUCKLES]

That's Detective Rohbin
to you now, Loomis.

Mike and I, we used to work together

back when I was on the force.

This here is Dee Fillcot.

Is this guy bothering you, ma'am?

Because I can arrest him right now.

No. You don't need to do that.

See...

I'm his girl.

Is that so?

Yeah.

She's my girl.

[LAUGHING]

ALMA: It was lovely having you.

I think we should sing
at every party, don't you?

Oh, my goodness.

[SIGHS] Thanks again, Alma.

I can't remember when
I've had a better time.

It was truly my pleasure.

I do hope I'll see you all again soon.

I'm absolutely sure you will.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Bye.

ALMA: Oh, Bertie.

It was a triumph.

The last thing Rita said to me was...

What're you doing?

The party's over.

The sooner we return
Mrs. Yost's things, the better.

I'm not sure I agree.

What?

We can't keep these things.

Well...

It's not as if Mrs. Yost
is going to miss them.

And today was such a success.

If, by some miracle, I...

I do get into the club,

I'll be expected to
host the ladies again.

How will I explain the disappearance

of all of our nicest things?

You'll make something up.

Apparently, you're quite good at that.

I don't like your tone.

I don't like yours.

I want our things back.

I liked my home the way it was.

I like you the way you were.

I love the woman in this photograph.

Well, I don't!

In fact, I hate her.

She wanted so much out of life.

Others convinced her
that she wasn't worthy.

So, she told herself to
be happy with the scraps

that were thrown her way.

She gobbled them up with gratitude.

One day, she realized that...

she deserved more.

That's what Dee and I
are to you, is it? Scraps?

Of course not.

My family is my heart.

And I have been happy
within these four walls.

But there's a big,
beautiful world out there

I've never been a part of.

The women in-in this Garden Club,

they can be my tour guides.

They can introduce me to
everything life has to offer.

Bertie...

Help me be the woman I want to be.

Let's bury the old Alma.

Whatever you want, my love.

I know some of the girls
want to nominate Ada Coy

for the new spot,
but I think we have to consider Alma.

Mm. She'd be an unusual choice.

- But I really like her.
- Me, too.

Rita, what do you think?

I think Alma is absolutely

Elysian Park Garden Club material.

Lovely.

I will schedule a vote
with the whole club.

Um, I'll call Sue,
and I'll make sure that...

Well, we could have it at my house.

NARRATOR: As Rita
watched the Fillcots kiss,

she had the strangest sensation.

She actually envied Alma.

For her happy marriage,

her crooked little home,
and her simple little life.

And for a moment,

she wondered if maybe Alma
had something to teach her

about attaining true happiness.

But that thought
vanished with the arrival

of an oddly familiar face.

When Rita realized who this girl was,

her envy was washed away,

and replaced with an emotion

far more insidious.