01x20 - Episode 20

[bunniefuu]

I didn't ask you of any lip.

I asked you if you had a drink. I know,

Tom, but... Yeah, I wish... There

you go with that wishing stuff again! I

wish you were the wishing well. So that I

could tie a bucket to you and sink it.

Maybe you found someone you like better.

Ah,

you little. I wish you were the wishing

well. I'll tie a bucket to you and sleep

here.

Number one, she's comedy. Number two, I

got a bus to catch in about 45 minutes.

For what?Arizona. Baseball.

Spring training. First, you're gonna

write a column. The world wants to know

about this woman. She's beautiful,

intelligent. This lady is one smart

waffle iron. She's

cosmopolitan. you know She actually

speaks Russian. No kidding. She

lives in Russia for 23 years and she

knows how to speak Russian?Man, that's

amazing. Better get on over there. Hotel

de Fuego, press conference. Be there.

Aloha. Cactus leave, Nelson. It's another

bus in the morning. Nelson, for every

minute I'm here, get the story lost. This

Mirka thing is bigger than any spring

training twaddle. Twaddle?You call Ducky

Gander twaddle?The guy who runs the

scoreboard?You write about him every

year. Well, he's an institution, Nellie.

Ducky Gander is an American institution.

That's what he is. You got a bra down

there, don't you?Some waitress in a

doughnut shop. Wrong again, Nelson. Look,

anybody who loves spring training, and

believe me, I do, they don't have time

for women or booze. For the two weeks I'm

in the cactus, I become part of that

game. You're still gonna interview

America. And leave muddy footprints on my

soul. Oh, go on, time's a-wasted.

Okay, Nelson, but if I miss that bus,

Buses are like streetcars. Ducky Gander

might drop dead. Out, out.

And bring me back a prize winner. Yeah,

you stay here and play with your hammer

and sickle. Fourth, San

Diego, Aug. 30, 1918, played with the

Boston Red Sox.





All-Star team. 1940-42,











elected to the Hall of Fame



how did you do that to what learn

all that about Ted Rooney I looked it up

and you remembered it after one reading

that's amazing is it

Charlie that's a photographic memory it is

very rare and useful talent it is

why Charlie with a photographic

memory you can do all kinds of things

like look up

facts and remember them and

repeat them Miss Ralston Miss

Ralston would you find a

photographic memory attractive Charlie

because I memorized a lot of things good

things Henry the fourth

into the king, the prince, Lord John of

Lancaster, Earl of Westmorland. King,

I prithee, Harry, withdraw thyself, thou

bleeds too much. Lancaster,

not I, my lord, unless I did bleed

too.

How about recipes?I know recipes.

Yes, it is true, in casual play I often

wearNext question, please.

Don't you feel the nightlife at the

French Open is far superior to that of

Wimbledon?Well, there have

been some nights along descent.

For crying out loud, is that what we're

gonna do here today, folks?Just sit here

while our local Susie Knickerbocker feeds

powderpuff serves to this mutant commie?

Uh, it's, uh.. An acknowledged fact that

you are one of the premier players on the

women's tour. Perhaps the best ever. I

wonder if you could tell us what true

greatness means to you. It's not for me

to say about greatness. I only play

and do my best and hope that it pleases

you and the public. So we'll go out and

buy your book, which to me seems a little

bit overpriced at 17.95. A

million people would tell you otherwise,

Mr. Maxwell. Slap

Maxwell of the ledger. And actually,

I didn't know your party had that many

members in this country. I'm speaking as

the only representative of the sporting

press at this goat rope. Maybe you could

answer something for me. Just who do you

think you're kidding with this defecting

thing?You are opposed to someone seeking

a better life in America?No No noIt's

just that I think a little sincerity

ought to be attached to that package.

I've applied for American citizenship.

That is not sincere. Well, give us your

poor, give us your homeless. Now,

do you really qualify for either one of

those?So what's the bottom line here?I I

think it's money. What do you think?I was

not raised to worship the dollar or the

ruble. Well, but aren't you playing both

sides of the net here?I mean, you're

you're preaching Marxism, at the same

time you're you're pocketing the spoils

of good old American capitalism. Shut up!

Cool it, comrade, okay?I want him out of

here. Oh, now

this is perfect, see ya. The mad

Siberians. Yeah. Didn't I see you guys

wrestling at the at the armory last week?

Took off to the gulag, huhWell, the

United Nations is gonna hear about this

one. We stuck in World w*r III.

It's okay, I got a busty catch anyway.

The knees out of my sansa belt bent my

fedora and scuffed my brogans. Violent

race, them Cozak. I'm telling you right

from the get-go, she was like an iron

curtain between me and the Cactus League.

A definite affront to your purity. A

spirit. Dutch, I was marooned. I mean

abandoned by my own kind in the face of

these Marxist marauders.

Lonely ought to breathe. Hey, cup

your hand, do this. Cup your hand behind

your ear like this. Like this?Yeah, yeah,

you hear that?Sounds like one of the

toilets is stuck again. No, my man, that

is the moral fabric of American society

being torn, shredded, ripped asunder.

I'm gonna have my own innings with that

chick, I'm telling you, I'm going back.

No, you're not. You're off the story.

Oh, Nelson. So, what's your wooden knee

turn into sawdust?What?I came to set you

free. Spring training is calling you like

a coyote on a bird bat. I want you down

there. Next bus out. I've got the bigger

fish to cry right here. You slap, slap

Maxwell, you slap America. Tell him,

Dutchman. Have you driven a Ford lately?

No. You're out of line here, slapper.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you put

the ledger in the middle of an

international proturbance. Nelson,

this is a big story. This may be the

biggest story the Ledger ever covered.

Look, my lawyers just paid off the last

time you went high-hat. I don't need a

one-man crusade, but there you are, down

on the 50-yard line with a bone up your

nose. Like any self-respecting

American. You ever hear the domino theory?

Yeah, Blueberry Hill. I'm talking about

creeping communism, Nelson. Yeah?Yeah

Well, creep this. One more run in with

Mirka and both sides are going to be

aiming their m*ssile to us. I mean, we're

going to look like chicken fried rice.

You really believe that?I don't live in a

honeycomb. I know all about eyeball to

eyeball confirmation. Confrontation.

Whatever. You mean like what we're doing

here?Exactly. Like I'm going to have one

more time with. Vladivostok Vixen.

Put that on my tab, will you?Don't do

this, slap. Go to spring training. Write

the damn article about the guy who runs

the scoreboard, please.

What do I do now, Dutch?You can't throw a

lamb chop past a wolf. What

the hell does that mean?

There! We end on that one, okay?

You're early, Mr. Maxwell. My

exhibition isn't until tonight. Yeah. I

bet you expect me to write about it too,

don't you?Give you some

big-time ink. Something to send

back to Hardy headquarters.

I must always talk his way. We are not

Kruschoff and Kennedys.

Hi, how you doing?Can I get you a soda or

something?Some fruit too?No, no, I'm

fine, and thanks. Good work out, Billy.

Oh, you bet. See you later. Bye. Take it

easy. I

didn't know you'd tell you a boy. That's

not what you came here for, is it?You

came to discuss politics. No,

actually, I came here for an apology.

I guess I'm not one of those labor camp

refusenicks. I know.

And I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

No problem. HmmTakes more

than those two bozos to ruffle my

feathers. But I am a little

curious about one thing, about how you

have the sand to-- Sand?Sand, yeah,

the gall, whatever, to traipse around the

country, fleecing the suckers. it is your

ego for an athlete to make a living Marx

I'm saying can translate please well I

just have a feeling that uh Karl Marx

never played break the bank on the other

hand I have this image of you kissing a

copy of Das Kapital at night and then

during the day stuffing your pockets with

millions of Yankee dollars is that

subversive I don't think so

especially when an athlete only has so

many years of his big earnings

surely you understand that oh yeahOf

course I do. If I didn't, I guess I'd

be an insensitive guy.

You're very kind. I could see it in your

eyes, even when you're being harsh. Yeah,

I guess they always give me away.

Can you tell that I'd like to take you to

dinner tonight?Put some of those

improved Soviet-American relations to

work?Didn't you read

my book?Yes, yes, but you know what?I

don't believe everything I read. What

do you think?Want to give me a chance to

make you an honest woman?I'm

sorry, Mr. Maxwell, but I'm afraid

you can't play in my league.

Mutual of the world, right?Take your best

shot, lady.

Go away. I can't, it's cold. And

I'm naked.

Oh, honey, hey. I thought you were the

landlord. Oh, I'm a couple of months

back, right?He thinks it's a fortune.

You're not naked. I could be. Now what'd

you do?You come over here to wish me a

little bon voyage?No, I came to talk to

you about Elliot. We spent some time

together yesterday after you left.

Quality time?Yes, as a matter of fact it

was. Uh, he's

pretty depressed left. He thinks that you

don't like his writing.

I don't. Not good. Well,

maybe he's not as good as you are. Maybe

he never will be. But he thinks he's

getting better. He wants you to be proud

of him.

Good writers are like good hitters.

They're born, not made. Elliot knows

that. He's not trying to be the Ted

Williams of sportswriting. Maybe he wants

to be more like, remember that guy from

the '70s, Joe somebody, Joe?

The guy with the two first names. Played

for the A's, had a mustache, Joe. Joe

Rudy. Right, Joe Rudy. Never a

great hitter, not a lot of home runs.

Is that the guy I mean?Yeah, not a star,

but solid, dependable, great in the

clutch. Right. A typical

season was, what, a

.270 average?15

homers, 75 ribbies?

Whatever ribbies are. You don't know this

stuff. You've been talking to Elliot.

Uh-huhJoe Rudy, yes, right.

Not a bad role model, actually. Take him

to spring training slap. come on

he's dying to go and he deserves it Oh

honey it's too soon he'd get down there

with those wily old veterans they'd be

one minute spitting tobacco on his shoes

the next minute buying him a drink I

don't know whether he's ever had anything

stronger than root beer if they take him

just bring training you could find out

not this year the little people just

don't matter to you do they slap what are

you talking about

Bill Shoemaker, uh, Eddie Arcaro,

La Beat Pin Kay. I love jockeys. No

slap. No jokes.

You've always got a big game to cover or

a dragon to slay, and that's always

getting in the way of the people who

should really matter to you. Because

who cares about you when you're sick or

lonely or confused, not the people that

you write about. Most of them don't even

know you're alive. But I'll

tell you. I'd hate it if you had to

choose between the World Series and me

tied to the railroad tracks. Yeah, that

could be a tough one. Fought him in the

ninth, score tied, two out.

Think about it. A

while ago you said something about being

naked. I'm gonna be

gone two weeks. Yeah,

think about that too.

Elliot?

Fine. Hey, listen, I was

just thinking about you.

What do you mean, what do I mean?

Listen, it's time for spring training,

rookie. Yeah, the bus leaves at 7

o'clock in the morning.

Serious as a knockdown pitch.

Listen, yeah, but listen, son, this is

not gonna be easy for you, okay?Well, I

mean, one of those old veterans is liable

to give you the hot foot or something

like that. Yeah,

well, baseball humor is old-fashioned.

Oh, Sportin.