01x16 - Episode 16

[bunniefuu]

What a beautiful day.

What a view.

Howdy.

How you doing?Been a

little ladder testing today.

This one seems to hold up pretty good.

With the old Maxwell stamp of approval on

this baby.

Nice day, huhFeels

great.

You like the Cartwrights, you know. All

of them rolled into one. Put on the old

work shirt. Work up the sweat.

Sweat like a son of a g*n.

Doing what I can. Loving

what I do. There's nothing

like working with your two hands. Tome...

To me, see, even that, that's that's

good, because that that makes you feel

alive in a certain way, you know what I

mean?

Kitty?What is it?What happened?Oh,

that's my stupid thumb. I I hit it with

the hammer. Oh, let me have a look at it.

Sit down. Yeah, I don't know how it

happened. You say that 75% of

all accidents occur right in the home.

Yeah, well. It happened to anybody. This

time it happened to me. Yeah, let me get

the eye down. I don't know. You know,

things like this have been happening a

lot lately. I don't understand it.

Funny thing is, I don't seem to mind it.

I don't know whether it's the fresh air,

the the food or what. I got breakfast

this morning. Steak and eggs,

biscuits, waffles,

grits. Did you like the corn fritters?

The corn fritters?Listen, can we do that

again tomorrow, please?Look, this is

gonna sting, so hold on.

Mm-hmm, that's so cool. Yeah, that's

good. Well, you're good at this

administration, huhIt is what I

do for a living, such as it is. What

are you thinking about?

I was just thinking about all those

stars we counted out the window last

night. Did you make a wish on one?

Didn't have to. Got everything I need

right here. You know what I

wish?What?We should go see

your daddy.

Now, why would you say something like

that?It's on my mind. You

know he's here. He's over at the VA.

Yeah. I see him a couple times a month.

Seems only right that you should pay your

respects, seeing as how you are his only

son. Yeah, right. Well, he

wants to see me.

He can come over here. He can't. He's in

a wheelchair. Well, that's too bad.

Slack. You know, I'll go see him

when I feel like it. You haven't seen him

in 25 years. So?

Whew, boy, you're a hard case,

aren't you?I'm a hard case?

You didn't know Stan Maxwell. Big

Stan, that's what they used to call him.

Big chest, big voice,

big hairy knuckles. Big

leather belt with the bull moose on the

buckle. He used to work about



shop. He'd come home at night,

not in a real good mood. He'd wave that

belt around his head to scare the hell

out of my mom and me. And then he'd

do real nice fatherly things, like if I

made a little noise, if he was listening

to his favorite radio program, he'd

throw a steel tip work boot at my

head. and my

mom she didn't

fare much better I I

don't know why she took it in

fact I asked her once

I said what makes you

get up in the morning

she said it's the clock

slap when the clock

goes off I get up

she was a saint kitty

she served her time with them

and so did I

when I left this place I swore I'd never

see that man again

slap I understand

hard times and families but somebody's

got a bend old folks

won't last forever you know

Why don't you bury the hatchet?

Forgive and forget.

You know, I I see him on my rounds.

It's not all you say he is. I mean, he

he's kind of gentle and sweet. He

never threw nothing at me.

Maybe it's because you never made a noise

when he was playing the radio.

I told him you'd come see him.

I know it's none of my business, but I

did it.

I hope you forgive me.

I gotta run.

Kitty.

I can't go over there.

You know what my horoscope said today?

Said I should spend the evening with

somebody special.

Meet me at Jake's after my shift.

Wow. Charlie, do you know anything

about these?What are they?They're

flowers, Charlie.

Actually, Miss Ralston, I do know a

little bit about them. They're they're

from the secret admirer. From Slap?

No, they couldn't be from Slap. They're

alive. They're from me, Miss Ralston.

Charles Wilson, as a token of my

sincerest thanks for being so kind with

me and with all that's happened. What do

you mean, Charles?Miss Ralston, I

want you. I need you.

Will you do me a favor?Gladly, without

hesitation. Will you call me Judy?

Certainly. Judy, I want you.

I need you. Now, Charlie, I thought we

talked this all over the other day. Yes.

But then I asked myself, how often does

an opportunity like this come along?And I

had to tell myself, not very often,

Charlie. Oh, you'll get over it, believe

me. In another 20 years, all you'll

remember about this are my legs. Miss

Ralston. I'm putty in your hands. Okay,

but still, I I

think we made the right decision. Now,

we've just got to get on with our lives.

You've got to go your way, and I've got

to see Nelson.

It's my haircut, isn't it?You'll write a

sports column?No way, Howard. I'm telling

you, Nelson, right now there is a sports

writer inside me trying to get out. It's

a side of me very few people know. What

do you want?You're looking at a man who

is no stranger to coins. The latest

circulation figures, Chief. They're way

down. Holy mother of Pearl. Maybe I never

told you this story, but you know, back

in 1950 or was it 51?That's it.

Gonna make my move today. No more beating

her on the bobcat. I'm gonna follow my

nose on this one. Nelson, do you mean

you're gonna replace slack with somebody

out of a folder?Somebody we don't even

know?You're darn tootin. I'm replacing

the Primavera. Lock, stock and sinker. I

thought you said we weren't gonna have

any sports column at all. I'm higher in

this guy. It reads like silk off a spoon.

And look at that handle. Even sounds like

a sports writer. Lou Harper sounds like a

guy with a mortgage and six mouths to

feed. He's due here at 11. Show him in

right away. At any rate, I I saw this man

pitching horseshoes and I thought to

myself, Howard, get out of here.

OK, Nelson,

I really think you should give this some

more thought. Now, we've all lost a

valuable person in Slap. And besides, if

you hire somebody else, what's gonna

happen when Slap comes back?Look,

far be it from me to burst your appendix,

but the man is not coming back. And I'm

telling you now, unless this Harper guy

turns out to be some kind of carpet

sweeper, I'm hiring him this afternoon.

Hey, Big Jude. Hey, Dutch.

Give me the usual. Two fingers of

something diabetic. Running the special

today. Anything green, half off. Plus

all the maraschino cherries you can eat.

Make it a double. What's the occasion?In

case we have to detail it for the

paramedics. I don't know what's happening

to me, Dutch. Driving to work this

morning, I saw a dead bird by the side of

the road. Reminded me of my life.

Believe I've seen that same bird from

time to time. Want a straw on this?

Just an umbrella.

Nelson doesn't think Slap's coming back.

What do you think, Dutch?Have you heard

anything from him?A lot

of people. Well, if you had,

would you know whether or not he's all

right?Now, have you ever known our Slap

not to be?Harper didn't show.

Harper?Harper who?The guy I was going to

get to fill slap spots. My monkey's

really cooked it. This guy's a no-show.

I've got no other prospect. You know,

there's an amazing lack of black

columnists on that paper, I notice. In

this whole Southwest area, I notice. Why

do you think that is, Nelson?Well, I'm

not making a pitch for myself, you

understand, but you could do a lot worse.

Not you too, Dutch. Maybe I should get

you a sample of my work. Did I ever tell

you about my novel?It's a sprawling saga

about the founding of the bartenders

union. First it was Judy, then

Howard's walking around with a baseball

cap. Now you. What do I look like?

Featherbed?You got a glass of water or

someplace to clean up?Are

you Kroger?Yeah.

The guy with the beetle haircut back at

the office, he told me I'd find you here.

Well, you found me. Who the hell are you?

I'm your new sports writer.

Harper. Call me

Lou.

How late am I, anyway?Late ain't the

problem. Well, my rental lemon brought

down by some cactus somewhere. Must have



they call it a desert. I had to walk the

last 8 miles. Well, if you put a picture

on your resume, this would have never

happened. Lou Harper. What kind of a name

is that for a woman?Short for Louise.

Yeah, it didn't say Louise. It said Lou.

And that's what I was expecting. A Lou.

Well, let's just say that's the last time

I'll disappoint you. Where's my desk?What

are you talking about?I ain't giving you

a desk. You're a woman. Oh, trying to use

logic on me, huhHey, wait a minute.

You got something chiseled in stone that

says a woman can't write sports?What are

you, some kind of misogynist?A

Presbyterian. What's religion got to do

with it?The point being... You hate

women. Only when they write sports. Ohh

Well, that's logical. Look, I need

somebody to haul the lemons. Fill the

jugs. Not somebody who's going to open a

daycare center right after maternity

leave. And you hate kids, too?I love

kids. I'm not married. But you're likely

to be, someday. Suppose you fall in love

with somebody who wants you to move to

East Uranus with him. What do I do?I'm

not going anywhere, Nelson. I like you

here already. Look, don't take offense.

It's been a long day, and you're not

exactly what I had in mind. Besides,

you're sitting in my chair.

Did you read my stuff?Yeah. It's good,

isn't it?Yeah. Well, you might as well

call off your search right now because

you're not going to do any better than

me. I just walked eight miles through

Flintstone country to get here so you

could tell me I don't fit your dubious

requirements. And I haven't broken your

nose yet. I'm showing a lot of

restraint for a sports writer.

Especially the kind this paper tends to

favor. What's that

supposed to mean?I know who I'm

replacing. I know he was good. I also

know he left you under a big black cloud.

Well, guess what?Here's your silver

lining. I don't need the lining. I need

the whole damn coat. Just let me show you

what a real writer can do. That's all I'm

asking. And let's just say, I don't mind

seeing a lot of guys soaping up in the

shower while I prove my point. My job is

writing about people and the games they

play and I'm real good at my job.

You should remember that because if it

ever comes to a showdown and you have to

choose between my writing and Slat

Maxwell's,You wouldn't know what in the

world to do. I suppose you're a hard

worker, too. I am. I'm

knocking the ball right out of the park

right now, and you don't exactly know

why. You can't quite put your finger on

why I intrigue you, but I do.

Come on, Nelson. You're a newsman.

What's your gut telling ya?I know what

mine's telling me. We're gonna do

business here because I'm your man.

That's it, Mr. Maxwell. I'm calling the

supervisor. What does she say?I've got to

do something for the circulation, right?

Mr. Pazarati, time for your bath. Hey,

come on. You're breaking up my game.

Come on, come onWho wants to play cards

here?I do, Pop.

Deal me in.

You're standing in my light.

In or out. How are you, pop?

You're sticking. Chicken?I

hate chicken. I'm sticking.

Hit me.

Busted.

Daily page 21.

You ain't got it.

Well, that was a lot of fun, Pop. What

are you doing here?I live here. Not

you. Him.

Came to see you. You still doing

whatever. Whatever it is you do.

Yeah, on sabbatical. I'm

doing a little research. Just passing

through town. Went up to the old house.

Stan. Who is he?Shut up,

Aubrey. No thanks. They won't let me

smoke anymore. Aubrey,

would you excuse us?We we haven't seen

each other in in twenty-five years. I

think you got something there. Those damn

Democrats. Aubrey, I said shut up.

So what do you want?

Just want to see if you're OK. Well, I'm

not dead. That's what you were hoping

for. No, he wasn't.

Heard you got married. That's

right. Got a kid too. A boy.

Big boy. Very tall.

He's a writer too. Just like his old

man. Not so. Yeah. Matter of

fact, he's he's pretty proud of me these

days. I I sort of won this

award. Well, I didn't sort of. I

I actually won this award and which

is a pretty big deal. I

there's a. Magazine. My picture's right

there on the cover. Whoa. Any girls in

there?Get your paws off of it.

Take it easy, Bob. This

old cootch rattled me crazy. Somebody had

to sh**t him. Why don't you just throw a

boot at him for old time's sake?And I

don't need you around here either.

Well, as a matter of fact, this wasn't my

idea. I wouldn't even be here.

Kitty hadn't suggested I come over here.

Kitty, huhAin't that the way. Some

panty waist. You letting a woman tell you

what to do?You just...

You just... Speak up, Bubba. What are you

stuttering now too, huh

Look at you. You're getting mad, huhYou

want to take a poke at me?Well, go ahead.

See if you can whip an old man in a

wheelchair.

I'm still tough enough to send you

yelping out of here, turning tail just

like you used to do. I

never ran from you. That's what you say.

Damn it, Bob. Don't you ever let up?

I really tick you off, don't I?Yeah, you

do.

Visiting hours are over. I'm leaving.

That's not true. You know what that fella

says in that article about me working in

the factory. I was a foreman.

You tell him that. And your

mom didn't have to sew her own clothes.

She did it because she liked it. You tell

him. I'll straighten him out.

Let me know.

Well, I don't know about that. I'm not

real sure. I'll be back through here.

Well, I'm not sure. I want you to. Fine.

Cut me for it. You get high

cut, you won't have to come back here for

another 25 years. Low

cut, you bring me a case of beer.

It's a deal.

Go for it, son. Go for it?Ah,

you whack him over the head with his

shovel.

So, did you beat him?

I'm tied. Both two and three of

hearts. I should have told you about

those decks over the VA. I'll tell you

thank you. I'll tell you one thing, he is

still full. I walked into that place, I

felt like a six-year-old kid in short

pants.

But, you know, for a minute there, I

thought maybe...

Maybe we could settle something.

Maybe.

Maybe not. I don't know.

Too glad you went to see him. Yep,

I should have fought him, though. I

think, I think maybe I could take him

now. Maybe, with him dragging that IV

around.

You know, you're looking better. You're

not scowling tonight. Well, I feel easy

with you. I feel like no time has passed

at all. I picture you, 16 years old,

the most vivacious cowgirl I've ever seen

in my life. Laugh. I

don't know what mirror you're looking

into, but I'm not that girl you remember.

Are you sure?No, I'm not. I don't want to

be. I wouldn't go back and do that all

again for all the tea and China. It's

pretty good times.

Hey, then what happened to my story today?

What story?My soap. Oh,

came out just the way I thought.

It was Pamela's doing. You know,

she's a little slutI told you that.

Honey, do you... Do you

ever feel like just packing up and

leaving this town?Getting restless, huh

No, I'm happy as a bear in the basement.

Who's that mean?I don't

know. I just heard someone say it one

time. I

feel like we're raising a little hell

here. Why don't we see if we can... find

ourselves a mechanical bull, maybe a

drive-in with some adult movies. I don't

know, but 4-H is holding its second

annual corn shuck. Ooh, corn

shuck, yeah, that could be fun. Not often

you get to see a good corn shuck. I

didn't say it was gonna be good. Not

often, that's the beauty part. You never

know, do you?