Slay (2024)

[bunniefuu]

f*ck, dang it.

Alright.

Who the f*ck's doing that?

The hell?

Yeah!

Gotcha!

Son of a b*tch.

Robin, look out!

What the hell was that?

Oh, my God, was that a person?

Robin!

That wasn't no person.

Just some rabid animal.

Who let your p*ssy

out of its cage?

So, last night's audience really liked

our number after intermission,

so I think I'm gonna move it up.

We should swap

Bella's solo for mine.

No, no, we still need an upbeat number

right before the reading.

Okay, then I'll close it.

Girl, this is not

the Olive Wood Show.

Will you quit pitching this?

Robin, as our manager,

you want a k*ller show, right?

Perhaps we can tackle this exciting idea tomorrow?

Or,

we vote on it.

Bella!

Yeah?

Should I close the show?

Yes, b*tch!

You always slay.

See? Two to one.

We're not making

any major changes.

Oh, okay. So, f*ck my ideas.

Look here!

Half of these ideas are yours!

And you want to know why?

Because I take suggestions like I suck d*ck.

If it's good, I'll swallow.

I've seen her do it.

Yes, diva. Listen

to your mother.

b*tch, you just agreed with me!

About what?

About me closing.

Well, whatever Mama wants.

Not you taking the

word drag literally.

So, Mama...

Uh-huh.

Y'all been at it a lot recently.

Any issues I need

to be worried about?

Girl, there's no issues.

She's just cranky is all.

We're all exhausted

and being broke a*s

poor ain't helping.

Well, luckily tonight's not just a generous paycheck.

It's also at a legendary venue.

I don't know how you

pulled this one off.

We're here.

Wait, wait, Robin, stop!

The Bold Buck?

Yeah, you girls excited?

Please tell me you're joking?

What?

We've been looking forward to this gig for ages.

Robin, sweetie,

we've been looking forward

to performing at The Bold Tuck.

Not this dive for

Sons of Anarchy rejects.

b*tch, you booked

the wrong venue!

Watch your mouth.

But she's right, sweetie.

You booked the wrong venue.

Oh fudge, not again.

Oh my God, I have zero bars!

Yay, we're here.

Ooh, check out the trade.

Plaid on plaid on

plaid, yes cowboy!

It's giving authentic,

Blake Shelton realness.

Well, looky here.

Looks like the carnival freak show's in town.

You lady boys lost or summin'?

No, no, we're good.

You need help turning

your asses around or what?

This a*s has been

turned, lifted, and dropped

more times than a Broadway curtain.

If it was gonna have

any more work done,

it wouldn't be by you.

Your makeup and fairy glitter

ain't fooling nobody, fellas.

b*tch, neither is

that flashy exhaust

on that entry level hog.

Shut the f*ck up, Fatboy.

Evening.

Hello, yes, I'm Robin Banks.

We spoke over email.

Uh, we did?

We're performing tonight.

Y'all a band or summin'?

We're drag queens, sweetie.

Y'all are in the wrong place.

I wish we were.

This some kinda joke, Dusty?

Yeah uh, Mindy must

have booked it.

Oh, fabulous.

May we speak with Mindy?

She works day shift.

The person who booked us is not even here?

Yeah, looks that way.

Perfect, let's just get the hell outta here.

No, no, no, no,

no, no, don't go.

Look, you were booked

fair and square.

And I've got no other

show lined up, so

welcome to The Buck.

One moment, please.

Group meeting, group meeting.

Do you see all the

daddies in here?

I see why this place

is so legendary.

b*tch, we're in the wrong place.

We're not staying.

The crowd looks like

they're out for blood.

The money we make here wouldn't

even cover our medical expenses.

Okay, all right.

Bella? Robin?

I'm with you, Mama.

I'm sorry, ladies, this is

my fault, I should've...

Uh, uh, uh, what don't we do?

We don't should on ourselves.

Exactly.

Alright, let's go.

Oh my God, it's them.

Be cool, be cool.

We are so excited to

watch you perform tonight.

I'm not even a little embarrassed to admit

it's been the most exciting thing on my schedule for weeks.

Well, I'm sorry to break it

to you, but unfortunately...

Unfortunately, we

are running behind.

Oh, don't worry about that.

It's not like we've been waiting..

Uh.. I don't know,

our entire lives for

this town to throw a drag show.

b*tch, we got you.

Well, we better

go get our seats.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This doesn't change anything.

Olive Wood.

I have to tell you,

I loved your performance at Ride the Saddle Drag.

You should've won, by the way. Hands down.

Oh my God, right?

Yeah, Carrie On

can't read for sh*t.

b*tch, thank you.

This is like a dream come true.

Nothing good ever happens

in this sh*t h*le town,

but, here you are.

Reminds you why

we do this, right?

Argh, sh*t.

I did not sign up to break

little q*eer hearts.

Come on then.

Y'all know it takes me

at least an hour to beat my face.

Ain't that the tea.

This is your room for tonight.

Dusty, was it?

Yeah.

I'm detecting notes of

stale beer and sweat.

My guess is piss.

Oh honey, we've

got a fix for that.

Oh, wait.

These uh, these sprinklers

are ancient 'n super touchy.

You can't even make smokin' old fashioneds anymore.

Yeah, the show is in an hour.

Tucking tape.

Want me to show

you how it works?

It'll cost you extra.

You can close it.

Yeah.

Squeal like a pig,

squeal like a pig.

They were all going crazy and

crying all sorts of things.

We've been dating

for about two years

and she turns to me one day

and says, you

know, I don't think

that was such a hot idea.

Well, f*ck it, let's

get a drink in the bar.

Mama, look how thick

I look, girl, look at it.

Girl, those craters are

what k*lled the dinosaurs.

You right, all this a*s-teroid, it sure did.

a*s-destroyed.

Whoo!

You can call her planet k*ller.

Alright ladies.

-Yeah.

Let's show these people what they've been missing.

Now, Imma go get those

lighting cues together.

Get it girl.

Ugh, dammit,

I can't find my pins.

Mama, your LaBeija

pin? I couldn't!

Yes you could,

cause we only have

10 minutes till curtain call.

Okay, so for the opener, I

was thinking after the wrist tap

that I step into a jazz split?

Yes, I love that.

No last minute changes to the choreography.

I'm just embellishing it.

So it would be,

turn, turn, pas de bourre,

wrist tap and... I split!

No, I split.

You stay the same, okay?

Okay...?

No tweaks, it'll

upset the balance.

Y'all doing the

same thing anyway,

it's only a tweak for me.

Which has a ripple effect on the whole team.

You mean Bella?

She's got it, right Bella?

Yes girl!

No more pas de bourre.

No! Oh my God, you're gonna

do the same thing.

Listen, let me show

you how it is, okay?

Here we go...

- Girl!

No changes, keep it as tight

as our tucks, understood?

g*dd*mn it Earl, how many times

must I tell you this ain't

no chaise lounge?

This is our talent for tonight.

Now, she'll guide you through

the cues and stuff,

just make it, you know?

This a stripper act?

Well, there will be

generous servings of cake.

Now, we need a warm front

wash for the opening number

with lekos for dramatic punches,

and keep the fresnels soft.

Mama says it creates

an intimate atmosphere,

but it's actually for softening

that five o'clock shadow.

Uh, I got a spotlight,

uh, it moves if you push it.

I see.

We've got some work to do.

Sweet baby Jesus,

I mean, just what

the hell can I eat Dusty?

Like I told you

the delivery's late, kitchen's closed.

Grab some bar nuts

till Rufus comes.

Your stinking nuts.

Hey, that's for everyone.

Place sure as hell's

going to sh*t.

Your old man would be turning in

his grave if he saw this Dusty.

Yeah, soon you'll have a big a*s

rainbow flag behind the bar.

Look, if y'all don't want to stay

for a performance you can leave, fellas.

You keep staring like that,

she gonna pull out

the bear spray.

No idea what you're

talking about.

Mm-hmm.

Earl, try that.

Ooh, give me the gobos, give me the gobos.

Gobos.

Earl, you keep impressing me like this,

we might have to kidnap you for our next tour.

Alright, let's cue up

the opening performance.

Theydies and gentlethems.

Straight from their global tour

of several nearby towns.

Welcome to the stage

your queens!

There's some wh*res

in this house

There's some wh*res

in this house

There's some wh*res

in this house

I said certified freak,

seven days a week

Wet a*s p*ssy,

make that pullout game weak

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, you f*cking

with some wet a*s p*ssy

Bring a bucket and a mop

for this wet a*s p*ssy

Give me everything you got

for this wet a*s p*ssy

Beat it up, baby,

catch a charge

Extra large, and extra hard

Put this p*ssy

right in yo' face

Swipe your nose

like a credit card

Hop on top, I want a ride

I do a kegel

while it's inside

Spit in my mouth,

look at my eyes

This p*ssy is wet,

come take a dive

Tie me up like I'm surprised

Let's role-play,

I wear a disguise

I want you to park

that big Mack truck

Right in this little garage

Make it cream,

make me scream

Out in public, make a scene

I don't cook, I don't clean

But let me tell

you, I got this ring

Gobble me, swallow me,

drip down the side of me

Quick, jump out 'fore you

let it get inside of me

I tell him where to put it,

never tell him

where I'm 'bout to be

I run down on him

'fore I have a

running me. Talk yo'

sh*t, bite your lip

Ask for a car

while you ride that d*ck

You ain't never gotta

f*ck him for a thing

He already made his mind up

'fore he came

Now get your boots

and your coat

for this wet a*s p*ssy

He bought a phone

just for pictures

of this wet a*s p*ssy

Pay my tuition

just to kiss me

on this wet a*s p*ssy

Now make it rain

if you wanna see

some wet a*s p*ssy

Now from the top,

make it drop,

that's some wet a*s p*ssy

- This show come with barf bags?

That's some wet a*s p*ssy

- This show come with barf bags?

That's some wet a*s p*ssy

I'm talking WAP, WAP, WAP

That's some wet a*s p*ssy

Macaroni in a pot

That's some wet

a*s p*ssy, huh

There's some wh*res

in this house

There's some wh*res

in this house

There's some wh*res

in this house

There's some wh*res

in this house

Yay! Ladies, I mean,

I can barely tiptoe

around a puddle in my crocs

'n here you all are dancin'

in heels higher than my bar tab!

I just, I'm done for it.

Shut up, Sheila.

Well, I bet y'all thought that acronym

stood for something else.

Weapons are permitted.

Well, you'd be right

this p*ssy is a weapon.

No?

Well, y'all really did

come to a drag show

expecting fastcars

or something.

Well, if it's powerful pistons you're after,

wait till you see

what's under my hood.

You suck.

Well, that I do, but

you ain't my type.

Oh, he ain't anyone's type.

Shut the hell up, Sheila.

You just shut your

mouth, Travis.

Or I'm gonna tell everyone you get

your mama to sew on those little

mean boy patches.

She does not, I do it myself!

Well, we've been looking for a new seamstress,

so if your audition

for the new Easy Rider reboot

doesn't work out for

you, give me a call.

The f*ck you say to me?

Oh, I could do this all night, cause Mama

always gets the final say.

This ain't amateur

hour, so sit down.

Leave it up to

the professionals.

Sit down, Travis.

Now that that's out the way

let me tell y'all

a little story.

Me and the girls were

driving to a gig last week...

The hell is your problem, Rufus?

Rufus!

Yer high blood pressure smells.

Damn good.

Rufus, you're late!

Where the hell is my delivery?

One bite and I bet you'll

spray everywhere...

Back the hell up, hillbilly.

What the f*ck?

Oh my God.

-Did everyone see that?

Teeth!

Travis!

He f*cking...

Put the g*dd*mn g*n away!

Rufus, are you drunk?

You had one too many, man.

Dusty!

Ah, f*ck!

What the f*ck you

think you're doing?!

Get him off me!

What the hell?!

Did y'all see that?

He bit Fatboy.

Who bites a man?!

g*dd*mn fools.

You come back,

I'll stick my foot

so far up your a*s,

your mustache will

scrub my boot clean.

See a g*dd*mn dentist.

We're cool, we're

cool, all good.

Man, I don't know what got into him,

I've never seen Rufus like that.

You good?

That looks nasty Fatboy.

You might wanna have

that checked out.

And for sure a tetanus shot.

Ain't nothin'.

You wanna call it in?

Said it ain't nothin', just

a flesh wound is all.

Alright, leave him alone, he says he's fine.

Quit your clucking.

Okay, we're good,

get some drinks.

Well, should we continue?

You wanna talk

about what happened?

You mean the redneck that

just pulled a chunk out of that guy?

That was some Hills Have Eyes

type of sh*t right there.

No, I'm talking about

what happened on stage.

I told you no changes.

Are you serious?

You wanna do this now?

Mama, we need to be leaving.

Girl, the locals

threw that creep out.

We are safer in here with them, than

we are out there with him.

I don't think that the

enemy of my enemy is my friend,

really applies in this situation.

Well, I think we

should continue.

Look, we have fans.

b*tch, you only wanna stay cos

you found a sausage to chew on.

You know what?

You can pull my solo

from the set list

if it'll get us out

this sh*t h*le any sooner.

Wow, it's been a while

since I had a man fight over me.

What's your secret?

I haven't had a hickey like that in years.

Ain't a damn joke!

Oh, sweetie.

That must've been a lot

for you to have witnessed.

You doing okay?

- I'm fine.

A real man knows how

to handle a brawl!

Isn't that right, Fatboy?

Urgh.

And how's your head?

My head is fine.

Don't worry about my head.

It's your head I'm worried about.

No matter how we're interpreting

this double entendre,

I am perfect.

Now, to a lady who's never

had any complaints about her head,

theydies and gentlethems,

Bella Da Boys!

I need a playboy,

super smash game boy

Send a d*ck pic,

then be on his way boy

Nothing like the

chick flicks,

not just some LA boy

Was Olive serious

about cutting her solo?

I don't know what

that girl wants.

You know, she asked to be

here, but she's been fighting

every creative decision since joining this house.

She just has a lot to learn about sisterhood.

It's her first family.

Remember what we were like back in the day?

b*tch, don't go there.

I've done my repentance.

I need a

playboy, super smash game boy

Send a d*ck pic,

then be on his way boy

Nothing like the

chick flicks,

not just some LA boy

When he hit this bet

the kitty make noise

Need a playboy

Excuse me, boys.

I'll be right back.

Woowhee, proceed with

caution, partner.

I'd give that ten,

if I were you Fatboy.

That could gag a grizzly.

The hell you doing, Fatboy?

Them lady boys turn you soft?

Hey! Hey! Move!

This ain't an eclipse

Fatboy, move your fat a*s.

Hey! Bargain-bin Meat Loaf!

sh*t!

Oh, you wanna go?

Let's... Okay.

You alright, Fatboy?

Fatboy, you don't

look so good. - Really?

Because I feel great!

Oh, hey Mama. Is it time for

our improv act already?

You smell delicious Travis!

It's time for our get the hell outta here act.

Now we can leave?

- Hey, get off him.

What the f*ck Fatboy?!

You're a vegetarian.

Good God almighty!

Outside now!

Inside, now!

f*ck. sh*t.

f*ck.

Pull yourself together.

We cool.

Did he actually

just turn to dust?

Well my tucks too tight

for me to be tripping ba*ls

so yes I do believe he did.

Come on, get him.

Billy-Bob.

No, no.

I don't even taste good.

That's not true.

Wow, powerful swing

you have there.

If this is about what happened with

your old lady, then uh,

Darlene was the

one throwing bait.

I just bit.

b*tch just tried to take a chunk out of me.

Girl! Are those fangs?

Was Fatboy rocking

those the whole time?

Ew, these vampires

are nothing like the Cullens.

Sweetie, vampires are not real.

Neither are these, but it doesn't

mean I don't have t*tties.

There's nothing there.

Did you just say m*therf*cking vampires?

I never liked that jerk.

Made damn sure we're stuck here like sitting ducks.

Then we just have

to walk that duck.

Bella, honey, no,

no, no, no, no, come over here.

Sit down.

Ain't vampires

supposed to be sexy.

Whoa, the hell you

think you're doing?

He's one of them.

Might as well end it now.

Hell no.

There ain't no such

thing as vampires.

Fatboy just needs

to sleep it off.

Considering two of them just turned to dust,

Buffy's looking real

credible right now.

Whoa, whoa.

Just can't k*ll him.

I know he's a friend.

He owes me money.

Oh.

Well, I ain't gonna wait around

until he attacks us again.

- k*ll him.

- Wait!

Motherf...

We don't know sh*t

about what's going on.

He could wake up normal.

No.

Nuh uh.

I have an idea.

Sleep it off, Fatboy.

Thanks for the help, Dusty.

Uh, I don't wanna say

I told you so, but.

b*tch, you didn't say nothing about vampires.

Uh, well I did say

they were out for blood.

Hey, get your pale a*s

off our campy van!

Yeah.

Line's still down.

No service.

What kind of idiot opens up a bar

in the middle of nowhere?

Uh, my great granddad, Joe, he had a vision

when he opened up The Bold Buck.

It was rhetorical!

I say we teach these

c*ck a thing or two.

You're gonna teach me what now?

Hang on, hang on.

We can't just go killin' 'em.

We know these people.

They just got Coach

Hank and his wife.

Marla?

g*dd*mn, she was hot.

I've been working my moves

trying to score with her since high school.

Despite her being out of your

league and off the market.

Classic cis-dude audacity.

I ain't a sissy.

f*ck this!

I'm gonna go find the son of a b*tch what bit Fatboy.

Any of them other

leeches get in my way.

I'm gonna take him out too...

Travis! Travis!

We gotta be smart

about this, man.

Get out of my way, Dusty.

Dusty's right, we need a plan.

Like it or not, we're

in this together.

I ain't in anything with you.

How do I know this

ain't your fault?

Our fault your backward a*s town

is full of twilight rejects?!

We let the tr*nnies in town suddenly it's

Transylvania out there!

Nobody else find that a little bit suspicious.

We may be creatures

of the night,

but blood ain't what we're looking to suck.

I don't know what's

going on, but what I do know is

we have a better chance if we stick together.

She's right.

I like you as much as I

enjoy a gender reveal party,

but we don't need

to be best friends,

tonight we're batting

for the same team.

Meaning you all like

the ladies right?

No! Well, yes. That's not what I mean right now.

Later, Sheila.

- Okay.

I'm saying, quit

making enemies in here.

Focus on the real threat.

Oh, I am focused

on the real threat.

Would you just shut

your mouth, Travis?

Travis, put the damn g*n away.

What the hell's

wrong with y'all?

Am I the only sane one here?

There are motherfuckin'

vampires out there.

Oh, so now there's vampires?

Open the damn door, Dusty.

Come on, y'all.

This is for Fatboy!

Oh my God, the b*ll*ts,

they aren't working.

They're completely outmatched.

Holy sh*t, that vampire just

threw a motorcycle like I throw shade.

Oh, that dude just

got decapitated.

In slow motion?

Oh sweet baby Jesus!

It's a bloodbath!

Is that vampire popping a

wheelie on a motorcycle?

They just blew up that truck!

You'd need a huge a*s budget to adapt

this story cos this sh*t is insane!

Out the way, out the way!

Close the door, close the door!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

I can not die tonight, I'm wearing

my laundry day drawers.

g*dd*mn, I almost had them.

If that was your almost, I'd hate to see your not even close.

Dusty, we need to board up all the windows

and doors in this place until dawn clears them out.

Who's Dawn and why can't she clear them out now?

Earl, grab the back door.

- Yeah.

Ain't the sort of suckers I thought

I'd be dealing with tonight.

So, what do we know

about vampires?

Well, if we're going by

Interview with the Vampire rules,

we should offer them a goblet of our blood

and hope they turn us into their immortal companions.

But, if we're in

a Blade scenario,

we should stock up on. UV lamps and katanas.

Oh, but if they're

like Twilight vamps,

we should just act all mysterious

and emotionally unavailable.

Yes, it's definitely Twilight.

Those movies are based on books,

so you know real research was done.

I think we need to

cast a wider net.

Isn't there something

about garlic?

Crosses.

Don't they hate crosses?

Oh, what about holy water?

Isn't there some sort of rule that

they can't come inside unless they're invited?

Well, at least

vampires have consent 101 down,

which is more than I could say about most guys.

So, we just don't

invite them inside.

Seems simple enough.

- Yeah, that ain't gonna work.

What?

It's not like I bought it

expectin' vampires to show up.

And not a single one looks like Jason Patric.

Speaking of Lost Boys, reckon they can fly?

No silly, they jump real high.

That's why they're

so good at baseball.

Can't they turn into bats?

Like in that foot fetish movie?

From Dusk Till Dawn.

Mama, if we get these suckers

away from the parking lot

and make a beeline for campy van,

we can get the hell out of here.

Honey, I think that everyone would

prefer the vampires to get out of the parking lot.

If we let the locals create some sort of

distraction, we could make a run for it.

b*tch, our tires are slashed.

Campy can still take us a fair distance away.

We need to try!

It's too dangerous, Olive.

Safety in numbers.

Most of the m*therf*ckers in here would

rather see us dead!

Girl! I can't be arguing

with you right now.

I need you on my team.

Hello?

Anyone there?

Christ, Travis! You gave me a damn heart attack!

How's the back door?

As good as it's gonna get.

Earl, the rainbow parade

outnumber us out there now.

I don't trust them.

- They ain't a threat, Travis.

All I'm saying is, they're gonna be

looking out for their own.

We got to do the same.

Comprend?

Yeah?

Uh-huh.

Holy sh*t.

Bowling alley.

There's a bowling alley here?

Yeah, in the basement.

It ain't been operational for

a number of years

on account of my dad skimping on the levelers.

You can bowl straight as a country mile,

the ba*ls always swing to the left.

Sounds familiar.

I just wanted a yes or no, man, that's all.

Is this gonna be

a problem for us?

Well, it only has

a broken window.

- I said I'll get to it...

- Two years, Earl.

Two years.

We should split up,

cover more ground.

And there's the

catchphrase heard

before ever gruesome horror movie death.

Unfortunately, he's right.

We know that stabbing them

through the heart kills them.

We need weapons.

Grab whatever you can.

I'm talking about pool cues,

broken bottles, kitchen knives.

I am a weapon.

If it's sharp, it's a weapon.

Huh, that rules you out then.

Garlic bread.

Oh babies, Mama loves you.

But she's too old to be running around in pumps.

Alright, y'all. We need a team station

here, in the back, and in the basement.

sh*t!

Ooh damn!

f*ck!

Yeah, I'll probably

just stay here.

Keep them at bay.

If I was more confident in my status as a final girl,

I'd venture into the basement,

but I'm black, so...

I'll take the back door.

I'll go with you.

I'll take the basement.

Earl.

Yeah?

You go with the Scarlet, Pimpernel

and Captain Poof.

Chuck, Marv, you're with me.

We'll go with you.

Thanks.

Don't thank me. It ain't

about helping ya.

I just don't trust ya.

Just when I thought

we were bonding.

Oh no.

Olive.

Yeah, what's up, Mama?

I need you to take the kids in the back and watch them.

They'll never survive out here.

Me?

Mm-hmm.

Don't be Mary Poppinsin' your

Lara Croft. I'm your best fighter.

I know, that's

why they need you.

Now you take that beautiful rack

Tomb Raider, go watch the kids, okay?

g*dd*mn.

And remember, aim for the heart.

Y'all,

y'all go ahead now.

I've got the home base covered.

Ooh, get in here and pick out an outfit, babe.

Okay, I'll pick one for you, you pick one for me.

Okay, let's see.

How much leg are

you willing to show?

Like a gorgeous half calf?

I was thinking,

this is more sassy, but this is more bondage.

Do you go Buffy or Blade?

I'd say Wesley

Snipes all the way.

That one.

Oh my gosh, have you ever unhooked a bra before?

Um, kind of.

b*tch, what are you doing?

Wardrobe change, girl.

We don't have time for that.

b*tch, we're stepping

into a new act

and I'll be damned if I go out

pulling a Bianca Del Rio.

She means wearing the same look.

b*tch, I know what she means.

Oh, okay, b*tch.

Look!

It's just your size and it will

look so cute on you.

Broken window's over here.

Get whatever you can find and board it up.

Marv.

Here.

Marv!

You fellas got this?

Protect that with your lives.

Oh sh*t, they just got Cash Jr.

I wonder how that works.

Do vampires still grow fangs

if they ain't got no teeth to begin with?

Oh my God!

You really should

barricade this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I look so good.

I've never looked so fricking good in my life.

You paint like a

god, you're amazing.

Oh my gosh, stop it.

Should we do lashes next?

Yes queen.

You two stay put.

Where are you going?

To get campy van.

There's no suckers outside and

I've got a shot.

But Mama said we should...

Mama isn't always right.

Maybe she should have worn something less conspicuous.

Something less shiny.

Oh honey, if you're

not turning heads, you're not doing it right.

I don't think that applies

in this situation. - Right.

Hey, mine.

Come on campy, come on.

Come on!

f*ck.

You're not invited inside.

Darlin',

You can't keep me out of

the car with that no invitation rule.

b*tch, this is a mobile home!

It has a bed, kitchenette,

and a damn pot I piss in.

Bye bye now.

Where's that f*cking

sucker going now?

Marv!

Chuck, sh**t her!

Chuck!

Marla?

Honey?

You still look great, Marla.

Marla, now, now listen...

Marla.

Marla.

Oh, I, I got

vampire in my mouth.

I'm okay.

Thanks.

Yeah, no problem.

Well, what we

gonna do about him?

Girl you are fierce.

This is looking

really, really good.

Oh my God look at this one.

Here, maybe try

tucking this in a bit.

Unhook that bra, b*tch.

Here's the one.

What are you doing?

Yeah, oh my God,

we're gonna slay.

We look good!

We look so frickin' good!

Ooh, camouflage.

Why glitter?

If we sparkle, the vampires will think

we're one of their own.

Yes, we could be

the sneak attack.

Now, glitter is a commitment.

It's the herpes

of the drag world.

Hmm, good point.

What else you got?

b*tch run!

Run faster, run faster!

Bondage was a bad idea, girl.

I really enjoyed the show.

Well, what we got to see of it.

The um, the lighting

was incredible.

Did you design that?

Yeah, but I'm just back up.

The other girls

are the real stars.

Oh, well, stars are just rocks

floating through space without their light.

Feels kinda inappropriate

to be this turned on right now.

Well, maybe imminent death

is the ultimate aphrodisiac?

Get off him!

Steven!

Oh my God!

These vampires.

I think they're celiac.

I think, I think maybe it's probably more the garlic.

Oh, okay.

Earl, honey, you okay?

I'm fine.

b*tch, who's there?

Holy sh*t, holy sh*t!

b*tch, if you put a dent in campy, I swear

I will k*ll your sorry pale a*s!

But, to be clear, Imma k*ll you

either way, but I'll be way more pissed off!

Hey!

Ain't that your delivery guy?

Oh that's him.

He's fired.

Yeah.

You hear that Rufus, you're fired!

Dusty, do you mind?

Oh, sure.

See, I missed out on wing night

tonight because of this jerk.

So here I am, eating damn bar nuts for my supper

like I ain't got no damn self respect...

g*dd*mn, what the hell was that?

I just really wanted wings tonight, Dusty.

You really ought to finish

barricading this window.

Yip.

Oh my God! That was so badass.

Why did nobody see that?

Why didn't..?

Ew.

- Is everyone okay?

- No!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just,

I'm just hangry.

Yo, everyone, you won't believe the k*ll I just had.

I was like, fork you!

- Where's Bella?

- She's not here?

Which one's Bella?

No!

Mama,

Mama, I don't think I'm gonna make the next number.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's okay, it's okay.

Bella?

Bella!

Bella!

Somebody!

Help!

sh*t!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Well, she's not in the back.

No!

Oh, thank God you're here.

- Where's Bella?

- Where were you?

Oh, Bella!

Bella!

Where were you?

Mama, I was just trying to get campy.

I was trying to get us all out of here...

You left her.

It was safe.

There were no f*cking

leeches around, right?

Right?!

One of them jumped through the window

we had to run, I'm sorry.

You're not the one that needs to apologize.

You're not saying

this is my fault.

No, she's not saying that.

I asked you to stay with her.

You fight me at every turn, but this,

this was not the fight to pick.

If you didn't leave her, she'd still be with us.

She'd still be here, if you listened to me.

I was trying to get us out.

I was right!

b*tch again!? Everything

always revolves around you!

Me?

If it was all about me,

I'd be back in the city getting my

f*cking salad tossed by now.

I was trying to get us out, but who cares?

Because Mama Sue Flay always has the

final say, right!?

You should have been with her.

You're right, it's

just as much my fault.

No, the ones to blame

are the blood suckers outside.

We can still win this.

We know their weakness, garlic.

Dusty, give us

everything you've got.

The kitchen's completely empty.

There's nothing in there.

Jeez Dusty, you ever heard of an inventory?

Well, we'll figure

something else out,

but we can't let

this tear us apart.

She's doing a fine job of that on her own.

And you?

We wouldn't even be in this sh*t h*le if it

wasn't for you, f*cking up the booking again!

Yep, big f*cking surprise.

We were never

supposed to be here.

Why the f*ck would we ever pick this dive?

This is by far, the worst sh*t h*le I have ever been through.

And I know what I'm talking about,

because I've performed in

every sh*t h*le in New Jersey.

And why the f*ck

y'all haven't left,

I have no f*cking clue.

Someone's gotta stick around.

Otherwise who

makes a difference?

Make a difference?

To who?

You'll end up

exhausted and beaten.

Pricks like him have an endless supply of hate.

You'll never escape it.

Maybe, but hatred is more

exhausting than hope.

We should've left when I said.

- Olive, we have to stay...

- No, b*tch!

I'm listening to no one

but myself from now on.

Let her be.

Hey.

Hey.

You know I told you, my

day manager, Mindy, she booked you.

Mm-hmm.

She didn't book you.

I did.

I had my suspicions.

You did?

Sweetie, you were ogling our gowns, like

a l*sbian at a Subaru dealership.

I have no idea what that means, but,

I guess, given the context, I wasn't

exactly being subtle.

You do know you can

like drag, right?

It's ok, even straight men do.

Don't make you

any less of a man.

I know.

I used to do it.

Hmm?

Drag.

Really?

What was your stage name?

It was between the ages of five and eight,

so I never really

settled on one.

What made you stop?

My old man,

he found me and his belt buckle

left a rather painful reminder

never to tread that path again.

Um,

I'm sorry about your friend.

He seemed, uh, she

seemed nice, so.

Sorry about your loss, too.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

Hey, Travis, you out there?

You can let me out, buddy.

I'm feeling better.

Travis?

Let me out!

I mess up a lot.

You can't blame yourself for what happened.

I'm not saying it for a pity party.

It's just sometimes I just feel like I don't

have control over my own damn mind.

It's like a new idea struts on the stage,

and everything else

just gets pushed to the wings.

Not a lot of people get to

see the world the way that you do.

It's what makes you, you.

And,

I'm a big fan.

Wow, that was cheesy.

It's okay, I like cheese.

Blue, stilton, cheddar.

I'll even take a questionable

gas station string cheese.

Incoming!

What?

sh*t.

Rufus is building a

whole army out there.

I don't think we can take him.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,

this couldn't get any worse.

Let's do this!

Oh no, college jocks.

The clientele here just gets better and better, right?

Hey.

With all that unchecked testosterone running

around, we're definitely gonna need a plan B.

What!? There was a plan A?

We can take him.

I found another fork.

We're gonna die.

Hey now, we've got this.

We faced these vampires before

and we're still standing, right?

This lot ain't got a...

What do we want?

Blood! Blood! Blood!

Blood! Blood! Blood!

Oh I'm having flashbacks.

I think I'm about to be thrown into a locker.

Was there a pep

talk there coach?

Well, they're out there and we're in here.

We just gotta keep it that way.

Fatboy!

Buddy? Feeling any better?

Oh sh*t!

I feel great.

I'm out of f*cking a*mo!

Steven!

You f*cking blind!?

What the hell is that gonna do?

Fatboy is gluten intolerant!

Oh f*ck!

That's why it's a minimum of six inches for me, b*tch.

Oh, hey ladies.

Oh my God, I

thought we lost you.

Sorry, Mama.

You know I love to make a dramatic entrance.

I'm f*cking ravenous right now.

You all smell

amazing, by the way.

- What are you doing?

- What's happening?

It's a lovely moment.

I really hate to break it up, but I...

She's one of them.

No, you as*h*le!

Stand down, Travis.

Who you telling to stand down?

There's a m*therf*cking

vampire four feet from us, Dusty.

Don't make me go through ya.

You're gonna have to.

Bella, you won't bite us, right?

Not unless you ask.

Why is that?

Sweetie, you just said

you're hungry and that we smell good.

Honey, these vampires,

which you're now one of,

they've been trying to k*ll us

all night, or turn us.

So...

You think I'm gonna do that?

I f*cking know

you're gonna do that.

You don't even know me.

Well, why don't you tell us

how you're different to all the others?

b*tch, I don't know.

I've literally been doing this for like a second.

My guess is that the other

vampires don't give a f*ck about anyone else.

Those are my friends out there..

were my friends.

f*ck, I don't know.

Listen, this thirst

is f*cking intense.

Like I can hear your arteries pumping so

f*cking loud and they're telling me,

"Bella, come take a sip. I know you want to."

But I won't.

I can control myself.

She's right.

The hunger's a real thing.

But you'd be surprised rat la carte ain't half bad.

So you had some ratatouille.

- Not now!

- Oh f*ck!

See, just because we're undead

or whatever doesn't mean we're evil.

Do I want blood?

Yes!

Do I want d*ck? Also yes.

But both dishes are best served the same way.

With consent, b*tch.

I'm so happy you're back.

Wait, you're saying we got two

m*therf*cking vampires with us in here now?

Yeah.

Think about it this way,

we have two vampires

on our side now.

f*ck!

Hey y'all.

Sheila, you as well? When?

Sheila, how's our

barricade coming along?

Uh huh.

Why didn't you say anything?

Well, I mean, I

want to stay alive.

Undead.

And you all would

have judged me now.

Just Travis.

Scared to reveal your truth

for judgment and the fear of death?

Can't relate.

Travis, she's been a vampire this

whole time and hasn't attacked us.

We're safe.

You telling me that my blood ain't appetizing as f*ck to all y'all leeches?

Look here.

I mean, you all smell f*cking great.

But so do Krispy Kremes.

Yet somehow I

managed keto twice.

So...

The way I see it,

if you're an as*h*le human,

you're an as*h*le vampire.

Yes, b*tch.

Not to lower the

stakes or anything,

but ah, worst case scenario

we become good vampires?

Yeah, so the guys out there

feeling pretty embarrassed about their performance earlier,

to overcompensate their new plan is to just straight

up k*ll us all.

Sweetie, how'd you know that?

I can hear 'em chatting outside.

Y'all must be hungry.

Don't turn 'em,

just rip 'em apart 'n feast.

So she has supernatural power.

No, Bella's right.

They ain't planning any more transformations.

Just straight up.

We have a fighting chance now.

We're all on the same side.

Prepare the stakes.

Remember, bigger really is better.

Sorry, it was just

sitting there.

Honey, don't apologize.

Though I might say this is not the appropriate

time to try a new look.

New act, new look, b*tches.

b*tch, been undead

for two minutes.

I was just being silly.

I was just thinking, ya know,

probably the only chance I'll ever get before...

Before we die?

Mama,

he needs this.

Alright, sit.

Go on, sit down.

- Come on.

Might I suggest a Cherry Pop to go

with that gorgeous mug?

And what about this?

Make those k*ller cheekbones center stage, b*tch.

We're gonna make

you look beautiful.

- Hey, Mama.

- Uh-huh.

- Where's Olive?

She left. We got into a fight.

About what?

Same as always, we're both

two stubborn divas.

It's like two power

bottoms dating.

Sure, you know it's a struggle, but you'll come

together in the end.

Not this time.

Dusty?

I usually don't do this,

but I'm gagging.

Damn! Maybe we can use those cheekbones as a weapon.

Wow, you look amazing.

Ain't that a slap in the face.

You scrub up better than I do.

Jeez Dusty.

You got pronouns

now or something?

Everyone does, darlin'.

Not me.

Oh sh*t, what was that?

I am in no mood to f*ck around.

You wanna dance? Let's dance.

Open the door!

Might as well go out in style.

Curtains up, b*tches.

Do I have time to pee?

No, Sheila.

I'd be pissed too.

Facing immortality

with that mug.

f*ck!

Crucifixes don't work.

Oh, the church lied?

So unlike them!

f*ck face!

You want me to beg?

Run?

f*ck you!

You think you're the first bloodsucker I've

had to deal with?

b*tch! You need a f*cking mint.

This is some bullshit.

Jax!

Earl!

No!

f*ck you!

Ah,

- Travis.

- Yeah?

You...

Oh, f*ck's sake, Sheila.

Mama!

Sheila!

No!

You're not turning into dust.

No.

f*ck got me in the tittie!

Oh...

sh*t is that? That's nasty.

Yeah.

Dusty, watch out!

Mama!

k*lling you lot.

Now that's my kinda show.

Your main event's right here.

b*tch.

Olive, run!

Listen, Mama. I know this is

terrible timing to say this after

arguing about my inability to follow orders.

But no.

Garlic water, b*tches!

k*ll it! k*ll it!

Where you going?

Show's not over.

Damn, he stank.

Wait, wait, wait.

Did we win?

We won!?

The black one survived!

The black one survived!

Mama, I'm really sorry,

I never should have...

What don't we do?

We don't should on ourselves.

Oh! I missed you.

Guys, I can't believe

I was knocked out.

I wanted to be a final girl.

Bella, you're alive!

Well, alive or undead?

Semantics.

Hold on, are you a...

Glampire, yes, b*tch.

We'll explain later.

Seriously?

b*tch,

you're a new drag queen

and you look this

m*therf*cking good!

- Head to toe.

- Yeah you did, girl, you did!

If you ever need help with your first number,

you'd have one hell

of a choreographer.

Wait, you want me to handle our routines?

Mama, I'm honored

to be led by you.

And every good leader recognizes potential.

Look, I don't think we should draw this

goodbye out too long or anything.

And I ain't sayin'

I'm g*y or nothin',

but y'all are alright

in my book, so.

Why would saying

that make you g*y?

I'm sayin' I ain't g*y!

Jax!

g*dd*mn it.

- No, no, no, no, no!

- I'm melting!

Oh f*ck!

Melting!

How many times this

b*tch gon' die?!

Holy sh*t.

- Was Twilight right?

- No, b*tch, I put glitter foundation on earlier.

f*ck my life.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We can go out in the sun?

This means I don't have to miss bikini season?

I'm gonna have to

get me a new tittie.

Yeah.

She's good to go.

It'll make it to the next service station.

She could use a good once over.

So could I!

We'll be back this

way in a few weeks.

Perhaps we can meet up then?

I'm definitely up for that.

You'll be up all right.

Mama!

This has been the

best day of my life.

I'm gonna miss you, Jax.

Okay.

No, b*tch. Keep it.

- Really?

- Of course.

Now get out, I

need some me time.

Thank you.

Whoa! What the f*ck, Sheila!?

You got, you got a little...

I was hungry, but I'm feelin' a lot better now.

Sheila, whose blood is that?

I don't know, it's one of the dead guys in there.

But I've got me some takeout.

But you know what they say?

Waste not, want not.

You're doing your bit for the environment.

Yeah, I really like

that for you, Sheila.

Yeah, always.

Thank you for everything.

You gonna be all right?

Oh yeah, I got such

big dreams for this place.

By big, you mean an alphabet mafia

q*eer dream, right?

Yeah, q*eer.

So q*eer, my old man,

would turn in his grave.

b*tch, don't be talking

about no damn zombies.

I am done with the undead.

Be sure to give us a call

when you're all set up.

We'd be honored to perform

on your stage any day.

Seat belts on ladies, we got some time to make up.

No sucker's ever taken us off schedule

before and they ain't about to now.

The show must go on.

Robin, get us out of here.