12x05 - Stuck

[bunniefuu]

♪

You were havin' a beer
at the bar the other day.

Alexander!

How do you say
constipated in German?

- I'm going to the beer store.
- Farfrumpoopin.

Hold down the fort.

Would you like some cold water?

It's a hot one!
- No, thanks.

- Alexander.
- Hmm?

Penny for your thoughts.

I'm having a tough
time right now.

- Well, times are tough.
- Gail is my boss.

But I think she's really pretty.

And I'd like to ask
her out on a date.

Oh, you like a woman who
knows what she wants.

I could use some advice, gents.

Well, we got four strong
hands, we can help.

[snapping fingers]
- Coach looks like he might be

a little too drunk
for this sorta thing.

Alexander thinks you might
be a little too drunk

for this sorta thing. What
do you think of that, Coach?

- No!
- Well, there ya go.

- Thanks, Coach.
- Yeah.

- Onward.
- So I think that in this case,

as in most cases, honesty
is the best policy.

Well, one should always
mind their scruples.

So I'd say, "Hey Gail,
I know you're my boss,

but I think you're really pretty, and
I'd like to ask you out on a date."

Oh. This guy doesn't waste any time.
What do you think of that, Coach?

- I love it.
- In the event that she accepted

the invitation, and I
do like my chances here,

I'd ask her to take a
walk up for ice cream.

Oh, I think you might be sweet enough.
What do you think of that, Coach?

- Yeah, he is.
- While we ate our ice cream,

I would comment privately
on people walking by

and try and make her laugh.
All while telling her

how pretty she looks.
- Oh, you'll get a long way

tellin' a gal she looks pretty.
What do you think of that, Coach?

- Tell her.
- Then I'd take her for a walk

down to the river, find a
nice bench along the bank

for us to sit on, and then I'd ask
if she'd mind if I held her hand.

First he's holdin' hands,
and then what, Coach?

Anything can happen.

I would continue talking to her

and trying to make her laugh, all
while doing some inconspicuous

deep breathing trying to
settle my heart rate down

from the sheer euphoria
of holding hands.

And once my heart
rate had settled,

I would go in for a kiss.
- Here we go now.

This guy doesn't even ask. What
do you think of that, Coach?

Sometimes, you don't have to.

Sometimes, you don't have to.

I would assume from
her smiles and laughter

that asking for a kiss
was a step I could skip,

but I would also be
looking for visual clues

such as flushed cheeks to indicate
that the woman had become aroused.

Oh that's when you know you got her real
fired up. What do you think of that, Coach?

She's so horny.

So, let's talk about next
steps, here, Alexander.

I believe it's impolite to
kiss and tell past this point.

Boy oh boy, you got quite
a plan there, Alexander.

Sounds like Gail's
really in for it.

She's gonna get it.

I suppose now all I have to
do is get past the pickle

of asking my boss out on a date.

Alexander.

I know you're my employee,
but I think you're handsome

and I'd like to take
you out on a date.

[laughing quietly]

Yup. You like a woman
who knows what she wants.

[upbeat music]

When a friend asks for
help, you help 'em!

- Why's he shouting?
- Dary's a f*cking degen now.

Dary's a degen now?

And I ain't friends with degens!

- Now you're shouting.
- It's me who's your friend.

It's me who's askin' for help.

When a friend asks for
help, you help 'em.

Those dudes get into some
bad sh*t Saturday nights.

We gotta get this sorted now.

Saturday night's
alright for fighting.

- f*ck degens!
- We'd be a lot more productive

without the shouting.
- And if Dary's a degen,

then f*ck him too.

[birds chirping]

f*ck is it hot.

- Hey, Katy?
- Wayne.

- It's Saturday, eh?
- Can confirm.

So then it's not as if you're
dressed for taco Tuesday...

- No.
- K.

And hey, Dan?
- Good buddys.

- It's Saturday, eh?
- All day.

So then it's not as if you're
dressed for Sunday service...

- Nope.
- K.

Well, it's for
sure not Halloween!

Is this about this, Wayne?

- Oh what that, Katy?
- Or this?

You're gonna have to be a
wee bit more specific, Dan.

The skids and hockey threw
me a Mexican themed party.

- What fer?
- Try to convince me

not to move there.
- Well, that's a bit

bass ackwards.
- I suppose.

Like if they wanted to
convince you not to move there,

why wouldn't they just show you
some photos of some nutsacks

hangin' from bridges
with their dinks cut off

in Ac... apulco?

Yeah. I guess it was a bit
bass ackwards, wasn't it...

But why would they
have to convince you?

You'd never move there.
- Mm.

- What did you say mm?
- Yeah I said mm.

- Why'd you say mm?
- Just sayin' mm.

She can't say mm?

I just wanna know
why she said mm.

Mm... I dunno...

I'm kind of flirting
with the idea.

Why?

Just feeling a bit stuck.

- Where are you goin'?
- Call Lily.

She's got a list of
resorts we could work at.

Now where are you goin'?

I'm helping Lovyna
and the Dyck's do hay.

Why don't you help me do hay?

You already did hay. I
can sees it from heres.

That's f*ck' barleh.

Wayne, you ever wonders

if you're in the right place?

Not once in my entire life.

- Okay.
- 'N you?

When things slowed down
there for a little bit,

I found myself spending
way too much times

on the internets reading
stuff that pissed me offs.

Made me irrationals
and defiants.

My hope is that many, many others
come to the same realization.

An idle mind is the
devil's playgrounds.

Then you're just one more
nutsack shoutin' on Twitter.

The more time I spents
with Lovyna Dycks,

I cames to really appreciates
her people's simple way of lifes.

You know, Mennonites
is always busy.

Sun ups to sun
downs, working hard,

helping each others.
- Poopin' into buckets.

A general non-materialistic
ways of life.

They'll poop into a
hole in the ground.

And a real commitments to peace.

f*ck can they run.

I've never been the churches'

biggest champion, but
it's good to branch out

every now and again,
Wayne, you know.

Expand your horizons,
see what's out there.

Good way to make sure
you don't get stuck.

- Can't catch a W, here, boys.
- Really?

'Cause I feel like I'm
on a real high lately.

L after L after L, boys.

Really? 'Cause I feel
like I'm on a real high.

We tried to make
Katy feel special,

but she's just got the
blinders on for Mexico.

- Monomania.
- Tunnel vision, boys.

A ruling passion.

At least you guys
still have Hooters.

- But Snooters.
- Au contraire.

We no longer have Hooters.

- But Snooters.
- Huh?

My neighbour is the fire marshal

and said if we pack that
many people in there again

he'll call the fuzz.
- Come on. It's Hooters!

- But Snooters.
- I know it's Hooters!

- But Snooters.
- Twas elite.

Meh. [hissing]

I am not above being
obsequious towards him.

But the door is closed.
- Why?

- Tell him, Roald.
- Why don't you tell 'em.

- Tell 'em, Roald.
- Why don't you tell 'em.

Roald made out with his son
in my back yard last year,

and now he thinks
we turned him g*y.

Once you go cack
you never go back.

- Is that true?
- Once you taste sack,

you never go back.
- Seerie, dog?

Once you eat crack, you never...

Okay! Good for Roald
gettin' some a*s and all,

but a little sympathy
over here, boys!

The love of our lives
is walking out the door!

I can hardly believe it.

She mustn't be into the whole
men dressed like boys thing.

I'm kinda into it.

And who are these two?

- Stewart.
- Roald!

You look like a Lego man.

And you look like something
I pulled out of the drain.

Okay, de-Jennifer Lawrence.

More of a de-Jenny
McCarthy, but...

Yeah. De-Jenna Jameson.
Look, I like a little bit

of chirping just as
much as the next guy.

Same, boys. We can dish
it out, we can take it.

Yeah. But we pushed
up on you like, once,

and then you just showed up
and started calling us dusters.

Still take you down, hundy P...

Oh yeah, 100%. Breakfast, lunch
and dinner. Your friend too.

- Okay - Shut up.

But we're strangers. Okay? We
don't even know each other.

You can't just show up and
start chirping a stranger.

That's how trouble starts.
- Even with people we know,

there's only one girl we
let chirp us like that.

- Who?
- Me.

You've got some gams on you there,
lady, I'll give you that much.

- She's got an a*s too, yew!
- Yew!

[both]: Yew!
- Meh. Thanks.

Ya I caught'er as soon as she walked
that little farty box in here.

- Me or her?
- The two of ya.

Your f*ck' stank
mitt stacked up.

- 'Scuse me?
- The boys are right.

You can't just show up and
start chirping strangers.

That's how trouble starts.

Isn't that exactly
what you're doing?

You're f*ck' right I am.

You got a whole
postal code upcountry.

You should f*ck off to
it before you get bit.

[barking]
- K.

So take that stank mitt
back to the bush, b*tch.

And don't ever talk to these
boys again, you hear me?

Keep your head up.
We'll come for you.

We'll come to you.

I need a chew.

How'r ya now?

She's a hot one.

- Enjoying your honeymoon?
- Beats being stuck.

- Oh, for f*ck's sake.
- What?

Like, it's the whole
town with that phrase.

What'd yous all read it on the
back of a box of sugar cereal?

- Everybody's got their thing.
- Who's got their thing?

- Dan's got his Mennonites.
- A wee bit.

- Katy's got Mexico.
- She's flirting with the idea.

- You've got Rosie.
- Sure.

Now I have the degens.

Good buddy?

You are far too bright to
be saying that out loud.

- I don't even like these.
- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't.
- f*g.

- f*g!?
- Huh.

But don't you mean "f*gs"?

- Yeah. f*gs.
- Huh.

I've been called a lot
of things in my life.

Yeah, f*g, hundreds of times.

But never by a deeply
closeted g*y man.

That, Madam, is a first.

Everybody there thinks
I'm funny and cool.

It's not as if I think you
should jump off a bridge.

I'm not just the guy
in his barn clothes.

Well, you're still the
guy in his barn clothes.

Yeah, but I'm not just the
guy in his barn clothes.

So you're happy where you are.

- Yup.
- Even if it's Saturday night?

What do you know
about Saturday night?

Bad gas travels fast
in a small town.

- It's fine.
- So you don't see

anything wrong with it?
- No.

- Not even a wee bit?
- Not even one drill bit.

- Not even one bell pepper?
- Nope.

So you're saying
you're just fine?

Yup.

- And dandy?
- Mm-hm.

So you're saying you're
just fine and dandy?

He said yeah!

I know how you feel about
us, Okay? We're bad.

But Daryl's one of us now.

He's bad too.

Dary, when you die,
will anyone say,

"I'm glad he's dead"?
- No.

- Then he's not that bad.
- You know, I think you'd like

this firey lifestyle.

It's a rush. It's...
It's an addiction.

Addiction exists
for two reasons.

One: to ruin your life.
- And two?

To make you think that
everything is fine.

[laughing]

Hey, man, being a degen's fun!

f*ck, it's too much fun!

That's why you don't put the
monkey in charge of the bananas.

Let's get out of here, Daryl.

Dary, why don't
you hop in with me.

I said, let's get
outta here, Daryl.

Dary. Why don't
you hop in with me.

Okay, listen... You just finished
saying how everyone has their own thing.

Okay, and then, some
Mennonite Mexican rosy...

Some rosy Mexican...
f*ck, I don't know!

Okay, so what? You go with
him and you stay stuck.

Come with me, you're a king.

You got the hottest
gal in the yard!

Isn't that your sister?

It's almost not even
worth thinkin' about.

Let's get outta here, Daryl.

Dary, why don't
you hop in with me.

And miss Saturday night?

[clicks tongue]
- Hey, girl!

Noticed you bought some dip,
and now I'm all excited.

Hmm, so he's a spitter, huh.

Hmm, show me a spit. [spits]

Oh, I'll show
you spit. [spits]

Show me a spit. [spits]

- Let's get out of here, Daryl.
- Take that in your mouth,

what else are you gonna
take in there, huh?

Don't even tell me. I
don't even wanna know.

It's so f*ck' hot.
Actually, you can tell me.

I really wanna know. It's
so f*ck' hot buddy.

f*ck you! f*ck you, man!

[engine starting]

At the risk of repeating myself,

when a friend asks for
help, you help 'em!

Well, Tyson and I were
talkin' and I kinda agree

that shoutin's not gonna
be really productive

in getting to the bottom
of this here situation.

Well, then don't shout.

That means you
can't shout neither.

Clock's tickin', McMurray.

We gotta get this sorted now.

When a friend asks for
help, you help 'em.

- But he's still shoutin'.
- Who's shoutin'?

Well, there you weren't.
But before you were.

- I don't think he was.
- Well, he was kinda shoutin'.

- When he said "who's shoutin'?"
- No, when he said,

"Clock's tickin', McMurray..."

- f*ck around.
- Fine!

Look...

Yous always been there for me,

and I've always been
there for yous...

But I gotta tell you, I'm
having a real tough time

with this one, big hossy.

Real tough.

[car door opening]

[engine starting] f*ck!

f*ck we supposed to do?

- Where's he going?
- Degen-land.

- Degen-land?
- f*ck degens.

f*ck' eh, buddy. Let's go.

- Where are yous going?
- Degen-land.

- Degen-land?
- f*ck degens.

f*ck' eh.

We've been taking it
from the degens all week.

If he's gonna scrap
them, I want in on it.

f*ck, you sure of
that, pink d*ck?

It's Saturday night.

What do degens do
on Saturday nights?

Real degen sh*t.

- Like... Snooters?
- Snooters?

- Rips?
- Snooters?

[insects chirping]

[phone ringing]

The artist formerly
known as Squints.

- Parker Rosie.
- How'r ya now?

- Good'n you?
- Not so bad.

Say, do me a favour and
don't use the word "stuck".

- Ask and you shall receive.
- What's shakin'?

We're going way up into the
interior to bring some dogs back.

Get 'em away from
the forest fires.

She's cookin' out here.

You're a great gal, Rosie.

Wanted to call before
I lose reception.

- f*ck's it hot here too.
- You with the usual suspects?

- I am not.
- What's the rumpus?

Well, after a quick assessment,

it appears the charm has
worn off around here.

Ah. Dan's still a Mennonite?

Katy's still
flirting with Mexico.

- And Dary's still a...
- Maybe I am stuck.

- Are ya?
- I might could be.

Here's the scoop.
The grass out here,

it's just a wee
bit greener for me.

I wish you saw it the way
I do when I look at it,

but you don't.

Lift your head up.

Look around you.

How's the grass in Letterkenny?

Do you wanna know what?

I don't know if it
could get any greener.

So then it's pretty green.

- Some say the greenest.
- Makes sense.

You're the toughest guy there.
- Toughest guy in Letterkenny

rolls off the tongue
nicely, doesn't it.

You are stuck, Wayne.

But there isn't a single
thing wrong with it.

You are exactly
where you belong.

You're always there for
the people you love.

I know and everyone knows
that if we ever need you,

if the grass isn't greener,
you'll be right there.

Well, then, I guess, might
as well just stay stuck.

Uh, okay, we're breaking up.

[Wayne breaking up]

I said, I might as
well just stay stuck.

Yeah. We're breaking up, cowboy.

Now...

I'll just stay stuck.

Quit talking to yourself,
you f*ck' weirdo.

Look, say what you want, it's
all I can survive in right now.

Ain't no reason to get excited.

It's so f*ck' hot out.

- More than a drill bit.
- I don't know what

I was thinking flirting with
the idea of moving to Mexico.

Good for a visit, but
move there? Full time?

The summer here is hot enough.
I'd f*ck' melt in that heat.

Your skin would look
like an old saddle bag.

Lily and I are planning
a trip somewhere warm,

but I couldn't live there.
I need four seasons.

f*ck' eh.

- Do you think she's cute?
- Who, me?

- Yeah.
- Yew!

Tell us how you really feel.

She drove past as
I was sitting here

the other morning and I said
to myselfs, I said, "Yew!"

Alright, I'll say it
too. I'll say... Yew!

And then, I thought, I'm not gonna get
any attentions from a gals like that

dressed as a f*cking Mennonites.

You'll melt your d*ck off in this
heat dressed like a Mennonite.

That's the other
thing, Ms. Katys.

The nappers eat so much
garlics that when they sweat,

it comes out their pores.
- Isn't that somethin'.

Yeah. Schmellies'll stink
you outta house and home.

- But f*ck can they run.
- Ya know as much as I respects

their beliefs and
their lifestyles,

I think I'm gonna stick
to just nit-pics'n

the good stuff, keep 'er movins.

Cut the corn, get 'er gorn.

When do you think Dary's gonna
be done this degen honeymoon?

I think tonight's
the night, big fella.

- What fer?
- For me to crawl on top of ya.

Oh.

I think tonight's the night
me 'n you get real sweaty.

Um... Maybe we could talk
about this a wee bit later?

You bet we can.

I'll get you a beer.
You want a beer?

Yes, please.

- Mick, you want a beer?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I need something

to cool me down for sure.

Looks like you're in for
it tonight, big sh**ter.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. You're gonna get it

real good, good buddy.
- Mm-hmm.

You're a lucky guy.

Hey, listen, and I'm
just spitballing here,

but what if...
- Saturday night, m*therf*ckers!

[laughing]

- sh*t! Yes!
- sh*t. I forgot...

- What'd you forget?
- I've gotta go.

What do you mean, you gotta go?

I gotta go... take care
of my grandma's dog.

Grandma can take care
of her own f*ck' dog.

- No, I gotta go.
- Just tell her to give it

the old f*cking size nines.
- I gotta go. Okay?

I gotta.
- Sit down!

You ain't goin' nowhere, hick.

[laughing]
- Oh, f*ck.

[upbeat music]

[♪]