12x01 - Live at MoDean's

[bunniefuu]

It's Monday already?

You don't know what
day of the week it is?

Everyday's the same...

When you're unemployed?

I've got some pictures I
can send you but I wanna see

what you're working first.

Okay.

My laptop just got stolen.

You took nudes?

I don't see what
the big deal is.

Please tell me that you
left your face out of them.

Not the face!

[Together] Never the face!

Daddy, that man look like a...

[Elevator dings]

♪

♪

Allegedlys.

Absolutely all activities,

acts and Ag Hall antics.

- Businesses...
- Bustles, bar nights,

bits, buck'n does.
- Chores.

Campaigns, chronicles,
contracts and commitments...

- Dirty dangles.
- Donnybrooks.

Deeds, duties, doings
and dealings...

- Eventually...
- End.

[birds chirping]

f*ck embarrassing.

Ah, for f*ck's sake, friends.

Give your ba*ls a tug.

Get glad, go grin, gather glee.

- How'r ya now?
- Have happiness.

Hoots and hollers.
Hearty he-he's

and howling ha-ha's.
Have a hernia, heck!

Initially idiotic and
infinitely immature.

It's interprovincial,
international

and interconnecting. Influential
and impactful indeed.

Infamously
intelligent, isn't it?

- Jacked.
- Judgements are justified,

but joy is juicier.
Jostle your jollies.

- K.
- Kindly rekindle kinships

and kiss kittens
'cause it's kooky,

kind-hearted and a
little bit kinky.

- Letterkenny.
- Legen-dary.

- McMurray.
- Mrs. McMurray.

- Neighbours.
- Nut tuggers and no necks,

nut sacks. Nicotine and
nose bleeds, numb nuts.

No needless negativity or
unnecessary noise up north.

- Ostrich.
- Obsessively observant

and outwardly obscene.
Organized and original.

Outlandish and unorthodox.

Occasionally offensive
to opposition.

Overprotective.

- Pitter-patter.
- We're pertnear perfectly

patient and proper particular,

but if you poke and
prod, we'll pop.

- q*eer?
- Questionable.

- Really?
- Roald!

Skoden. [both]: Stoodis.

- Today.
- Turn off Twitter

and take the time
to treasure town.

- Understood?
- We're unkempt and undercooked,

but not uppity or untoward.
United unconditionally.

- Virtuous.
- We're violent and venomous,

but not vultures or vagrants.
Got values. Got vertebrae.

Wayne!

We will whip your
whatchamacallit.

But well, we'd rather work

wordlessly in worthy
weather without wrath.

We're well-wishers.
Wise-cracking's how we're wired,

but warmth and widespread
wealth is the way.

Whether you're weird...
- Wondrous!

Wayward or witless,
you're welcome.

- Exactly.
- Ekspecialleh.

[exclaiming]

After a zillion zippy,

zany zingers, we're zapped.

Got zilch, zero, zipola,

so now we...
- Zip it.

[birds chirping]

[rooster calling]

[upbeat music]

[rock music]

Like, when I die, I
want my future husband

to snort my ashes off his
new girlfriend's t*ts.

[laughing] Right?

So I can go out of this
world like I came into it:

In a weird
threesome. [laughter]

I feel like the only time we
come home to visit anymore

is for funerals and weddings.

I'm in my thirties now,
so everyone keeps asking

when I'm gonna get
married, and it's like,

when I stop getting
broken up with.

[laughter] You guys know this,

my cousin got married, she
called me a month later,

she was like, "I'm getting
a divorce." I was like,

"I haven't even had
my next period yet."

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

Bro, I wanna smash my
old billet sister so bad.

Bro, I wanted to smash my
old billet sister so bad

when she was my actual
billet sister, but now,

I want to smash my old
billet sister super bad.

Funny girls are the best, buddy.

I know, buddy. It's 'cause
they're fun to be around even

when you're not smashing.
- 'Cause they're funny?

Yeah, 'cause they're funny,
they're fun to be around

even when you're not smashing.
- Let's take a run

at our billet sisters, bro.
- Let's take a run

at our billet sisters, buddy.

[both]: Na-nah!

Are you glad to be homes

from your vacations
to Mexicos, Ms. Katys?

It's always good to be home.

Well, I can see you
never wore your sunblock.

Well, neither did this guy.

'Sup, Squirrelly tan?

So what was your favourite part?

Oh, doozy of a question, Dary.

The sun, the beaches, the ocean,

the cervezas, siestas,
and the margaritas.

It was all like one
big, beautiful dream.

I've kinda been thinking
about it a lot since I left.

Well, you better
wear your sun block

or your skin will look
like an old saddle bag.

- Alex.
- Olive.

- Ry-guy.
- Jo-Jo.

Isn't it crazy that we
lived in the same house

for so long and never,
like... succumbed to it.

Succumbed to it?

Yeah, I think it
was pretty nutty

we lived in the same house
for so long and never, like...

surrendered to it.

- To what?
- To like...

Never mind.

Are you guys trying to
smash your billet sisters?

I'm trying to smash
my billet sister, yes.

Yeah, we talked back there

and both decided we'd both try

to smash our billet sisters.

First of all, no!

But second, I'm curious,

we lived in the same house and
you never took a run at us.

Why now?
- We weren't as c*ck sure

at that time of our lives, boys.

But I'll have you know,
I was in my bedroom

across the hall wailing on it
to you two to four times a day.

Yeah, I wouldn't want
you to worry about that.

I was hammering on it to you
three to five times a day,

in the bedroom next to yours.

- Three to five?
- Two to four?

Yeah, but I was only
wailin' on it to you


wailin' on it to my billet mom,

your real mom, 1-2 times a day.

Yeah, in addition to
hammering on it to you


hammering on it to my billet mom,

your real mom, 1-2 times a day,

and often an additional


to Jonesy's billet
mom which is...

- My real mom.
- Yes.

Thank you.

Watching those gals do
the stand-up comedys

reminds me when I did
my observational humours

at the talent shows
ways backs whens.

That sure was
observational, Dan.

Observational... humour.

Some say the observationalist.

Not such a fond memory
for you eh, Dary?

Let's hear it for Daryl.

- Oh, it wasn't that bad.
- Was too.

- But was it?
- Can confirm.

Yeah, no, it was bad.

Some say the baddest.

So... what's say we
finally... succumb?

- Ugh.
- Dog sh*t line, Ry-guy.

- Huh?
- At least be funny.

- When?
- Always, preferably.

- We're funny.
- Unintentionally.

What's so good about funny guys?

They're still fun to be around

even when you're not smashing.

[indistinct chatter]

[both]: They're just like us.

You know, I think I might takes my
observational humours outs for another spin.

- Might what?
- The f*ck are you doing?

Dan's gonna try stand-up comedy.

Girls love guys who are funny.

- Apparently.
- The f*ck are you doing?

We could do stand-up
comedy, buddy.

- No, you couldn't.
- We'd be good at it, buddy.

- No, you wouldn't.
- Then, our billet sisters

would think we're funny.

And then, we'll
get to smash them.

Boys, stand-up comedy
doesn't look easy.

Neither do our billet sisters,
but that's not gonna stop us.

[zippers closing]

- You should try it.
- Why don't you try it?

Because I'd rather be a master
of one trade than a jack of all.

- I'd rather jack off all.
- What are you a master of?

Bating. [all]: Heyo!

Every comedian
needs an audience.

And every audience
needs a heckler.

- We should all gives it a trys.
- Hard no.

Ah, come on, good buddys. You
likes chattings with people

at the grocery store and
the banks and whatnots.

Youse could be a
crowd works comics.

- Hmm.
- Do it.

And Ms. Katys, you likes
to say that skids are...

- Greasy.
- And that hockey players...

Would grab a monkey by
the tit if they could.

Youse could be a roast comics.

Do it!

- What about me?
- No.

- Huh?
- Nope!

- Why?
- Talent show.

Dary, besides from the time

I seen you singing
Beyonce in the car wash,

you're not much of a performer.
- You get the yips, bud.

But I make people
laugh all the time.

- Unintentionally.
- Don't worry, buddy.

I'm told we do that too.

Dary, comedians have to be cool.

And now I'm not cool?

Well, now, don't everybody
answer all at once.

And you know what, Dary,
even by your standards,

those barn clothes are
particularly ripe "todee".

A wee bit spicy, bud.

- Hmm.
- We'll needs a hosts.

[rhythmic music]

Welcome to MoDean's. I'm Alex.

And I'm Olive. [cheering]

Some circles may know us as Reilly
and Jonesy's old billet sisters.

Unfortunately. [laughter]

You know, it's such a cliche

to hook up with your
billet brothers.

Which is why we've
never done it.

But that didn't stop
our old billet brothers

from trying to hook up
with us last weekend.

They actually told us that
they used to masturbate to us.

[crowd exclaiming]
[both]: Used to?!

Hey, Alex, who do you
go clam digging to?

Oh, my God, um...
Norm MacDonald,

Chris Farley, George Carlin.

Wait, they're all old.

It's my daddy issues showing.

[laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome your first comic

of the evening, the next king
of crowd work, it's Wayne.

[applause]

[clearing throat]

- How'r ya now?
- Good'n you?

Not s'bad.

N'you?
- Good'n you?

Not too bad.

So how's your beer?
- Pretty good. Yours?

It's not too bad.

If you hold the bottle
by the neck there,

rather than the body
she'll stay cold longer.

Right on.

So how's your old man?
- Pretty good.

- He's a good guy.
- He's a real good guy.

He's a great guy.

So is Debbie still smokin'?
- No, she quit.

- Did she really?
- Yeah, she got pregnant.

She used to smoke all
the time in high school.

Did you get the quad
or the side-by-side?

Side-by-side. You
should get one.

No, I got enough toys as it is.

When do the jokes start?!

He hit some loose
gravel on the shoulder

and went into the rhubarb.
- Did he go into the ditch?

No, he hopped the ditch.

- So a bunch of damage or...?
- Not enough to file a claim.

You don't wanna get insurance
involved unless you have to.

Oh, yeah, they'll
pull your pants down.

They'll pull your
pants right down.

Too much fun.

Well, we'll talk to ya.

[applause]

That was... crowd work!

[applause] That was
work for the crowd.

[laughter]

Shot of Gus'n Bru
please, Gailer.

You're white as a sheet, cowboy.

I'm fine.

[indistinct chatter]

Thank you.

[laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen,
you all know him.

You all love him. Back with more
of his observational humour...

It's Squirrelly Dan!

[applause]

Thank you, Alex.
Thank you, Olive.

It's greats to be heres, guys.

Did yous evers notice...

[laughter]

That whenevers you ask your gal

if she hungries,
she always says no.

So you goes ahead, makes
yourself up a plate,

and she ends up
eating half of it!

[laughter]

Kinda makes a fella
wonder... don't its?

[laughter]

And did...

yous evers notice...

[continues indistinctly]

Mickey Gibraltar.

My palms are pretty sweaty.

I've palmed worse today,
super chief. What's your name?

Daryl.

What did you say
your name was again?

Mickey Gibraltar. My
friends call me Mick.

So... you can call me Mick.

- Okay.
- You look like the kind of guy

that could use a
shot of Gus'n Bru.

I could use a shot of Gus'n Bru.

But... there's no Gail.

It's your lucky
day, big sh**ter.

I've got two shots of
Gus'n Bru right here.

One for me, one for you.

Are you sure?

Yeah. The other one was for my
sister and she's not here yet.

So she'll never know.
Unless you tell her.

- I'm not gonna tell her.
- Don't tell her, good buddy!

Don't you tell her. [laughing]

I won't tell her.

Let's get these down the gullet.

Destroy the evidence,
eh? Cin, cin.

So you getting up there tonight?

That's a Texas sized 10-4.

Oh. Now I'm excited.

You strike me as
a cool, funny guy.

You're gonna do
great, good buddy.

You're gonna do great.

[laughter]

When do the jokes start?!

Kinda makes a fella wonder...

[all]: Don't it?

[laughter]

All right, thank you so much.

That's my time. [cheering]

Thank you so much.
That was really easy.

I don't know why people
make such a big deal.

Doesn't look like you
need any encouragement

but let's keep it going
for Squirrelly Dan!

[applause]

Up next we've got a
comic with his own,

homegrown style of comedy.

This up-and-comer takes problems
that you or me or anyone

in a small town would face and
puts his own comedic spin on it.

Daryl, what are you
calling it again?

- Letterkenny Problems.
- That's it.

Ladies and gentlemen, with
his Letterkenny Problems,

please welcome to
the stage Daryl!

[applause]

[microphone feedback]

[clears throat]

You seen your ex-sweetie
holding hands with a guy

who kicked your a*s one
time in high school,

and that's just about enough to
make you want to drown yourself

in a potted plant. [laughter]

[chuckling]

But it's okay because
your ex-sweetie

used to look at
herself in the mirror

every time after she took a poop

to see if her tummy
was any flatter.

[laughter]

[maniacal laughter]
- I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everybody.

[continues laughing] I
did not see that coming.

I wasn't ready. I
kinda pictured a girl

looking at herself in the mirror
after she's laying the cable.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Go, go.

[laughter]

Your second cousint put
her toddler in a onesie

that said "to snatching
kisses and vice versa."

[laughter]
- No!

g*dd*mn, so good!

Your third or fourth cousint
was the only one left to f*ck

at the end of the night, and
when there's no more firewood,

sometimes you gotta
burn the axe handle.

[laughter]

When do the jokes start?

It's funny, this one's
actually about you, Stewart.

[laughter]

You saw a skid one
time put his name wrong

in the computer at bowling and you always
figured that their nickname "Stewrat"

would stick. [laughter]

He's k*lling me.

The government tried to bust
you for switching plates

on your 4-wheelers
and that stuffed shirt

could suck cold sh*t
through a wool sock.

[laughter]

[applause]

That's gonna do it for me.

But like your second
cousint always says,

liquor before beer,
poker in the rear.

[laughter] [applause]

That might be the
comedian of the night!

Keep it going for
Daryl! Daryl, everybody!

[cheering]

I knew you'd be great!
I knew you'd be great!

Oh, my God, cool and
funny, that's what I said.

Can I get another beer?
That was so funny.

[suffocating laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen, you're
about to be tag-teamed

by these next two comics.

Which, personally, is
my worst nightmare.

Please welcome the boys
who used to hammer on it

in the bedrooms beside us


It's Reilly!
- And Jonesy.

[applause]

- Um... Alex?
- Ry-Guy.

- Olive?
- Jo-Jo.

[both]: Can you guys
stay up here with us?

You didn't like our line when we
took a run at you last weekend,

so we took some classics and
put our own spin on them.

Hey girl, aside from being sexy,

what else do you
do for a living?

Aside from annoying women,
what do you do for a living?

[laughter]

Um... you kinda gotta
let us finish though.

Okay. What else you got?

Are you a garage? Because
I wanna park it inside you.

I'm not looking for
a compact vehicle.

[laughing]

Although I do have a
pretty small garage,

if you know what I'm
sayin'. [laughing]

Okay, but... You kinda have
to let us finish the joke.

Sorry. This is batting
practice for us.

- Easy dingers.
- But we'll try. We'll try.

Hey, girl. Are you
the board game Clue?

Because I wanna get you alone
in the Conservatory with a rope.

Are you the board game Clue?

Because I would like to
get you in the ballroom

with the lead pipe! [laughing]

We just gotta wheel, bro.

Just gotta get that joke
out before they jump in.

Okay, buddy? Wheel,
wheel, wheel.

Wheel, buddy. Wheel, buddy.

[clears throat] Hey, girl.

If you were small words on
a page, you'd be fine print.

Because I can't read you
and I'm not even gonna try

to understand you. [laughing]

Bit of self-deprecating
humour. Okay.

Hey, girl. My
name's Microsoft.

Can I crash at
your place tonight?

He's named after
my d*ck. [laughing]

- I can handle this angle.
- Give 'em some runway?

- Let's give 'em some runway.
- You must be a wetsuit

and I must be the sun because
you are tight and I make you dry.

[laughing]

Hey, girl. This condom in my
pocket's gonna expire tomorrow.

Do you wanna help me use...

Oh wait, never mind.
It's way too big.

[laughing]

Hey, girl. Do you
mind touching me

so I can tell my friends
I was touched by an angel?

I swear if you fart...

- Is this intimate?
- So intimate.

Yeah, my doctor suggested
I tell people I'm intimate

with that you've come in
contact with two STDs.

Okay. [laughing]

- But seriously, boys.
- Oh seriously now, boys?

- Yeah, seri-dawg, boys.
- Okay, seri-dawg, boys.

I have a problem and I
really need your help.

Oh, you've got a
lot of problems.

- Me too.
- You're beyond help.

There's something
wrong with my phone.

- Oh?
- Mine too.

And what's that? [both]:
Your number's not in it.

[crowd exclaiming] [laughing]

[both]: Put it in!
[crowd]: Put it in!

Put it in!

Put it in!

Put it in!

[cheering]

Wheel, snipe, celly boys!

Dirty f*ck' dangles, boys!

Thank you, Letterkenny!

[cheering]

Okay, okay, shut the f*ck up.

That was humiliating enough.

Let's forget about it by
bringing up your final comic

of the evening, shall we?

We've got a real treat

for you, ladies and
gentlemen. A roast comic.

Wait. No one here gets
offended too easily, do they?

[all]: No. No one here gets
offended here too easily.

- Wow. That's refreshing.
- Yeah, that's different. Why?

[all]: Because there are
real problems in the world.

f*ck-A.

Please welcome your final
comic of the evening,

a local hero, heart throb
and household name...

It's Katy!

[applause]

Hi, everyone. Thanks
for having me.

Let's make some
noise for all of you.

You guys have been
amazing sports tonight.

It's really great to be here.

Squirrelly Dan is here tonight.

Squirrelly Dan!

Let's hear it for him.
[applause, cheering]

He was terrific.

Dan is the only guy I know
who has sex dreams about food.

He kinda looks like Larry the
guy who can't afford cable?

[laughing] Wayne!
Love you, big brother.

[applause] So Wayne didn't do

any actual jokes tonight. He just
came up here and acted like himself.

He showed you his
true personality,

which ultimately
is the real joke.

[laughing]

And then, we've got Gail.
[applause, cheering]

Thank you so much for letting us use
of your establishment, as always.

Gail f*ck so many dudes, that
I'd call her a home wrecker,

but the dudes she f*ck
don't really have homes.

[exclaiming] [laughing]

You're familiar with
the town bicycle, right?

Well, Gail's more like
the town fishing pole.

Because if you reel her in, you're
probably gonna catch something.

[laughing]

- When do the jokes start?
- Seriously, Stew-rat,

you're gonna make somebody
cry with that tonight.

Can't handle a little heckling?

I meant your face. [laughing]

I'm told Stewrat is a lot like
that schneef he loves so much.

He doesn't last long
and it's never worth it.

[laughing]

And now, we've got Reilly,
and with Reilly comes Jonesy.

These dudes claim
to be ladies' men,

but the only box they ever
see is the penalty box.

And lucky for them, they only
have to last two minutes in there.

[laughing] Reilly, Jonesy...

You're like an old cat lady,
because you're obsessed

with p*ssy and you're
probably gonna die alone.

[exclaiming]

Alright, alright. And
now, we've got Daryl.

Dary, what do I say about Dary?

Uh...

Thanks for taking a
break from freeloading

on our farm to be here tonight.

[laughing]

Dary has all the charm
of that sketchy guy

who is running a model
search in a strip mall.

You know that guy?
Yeah? [laughing]

Dary works with farm animals
and I think that's great.

It's important to be on the same
intellectual level as your colleagues.

[laughing]

Doesn't Dary look like he just dirt
biked over here from his divorce hearing?

[laughing]

Dary is pals with the
toughest guy in Letterkenny,

but Dary is tough too!

[applause] Yeah.
Tough to look at,

tough to talk to,
tough to be around,

tough to love... [laughing]

[upbeat music]

Oh, it's a little slippy
out there, super chief.

- Say you're sorry.
- For slipping?

Wayne!

Cool it.

Yeah, big sh**ter.

Cool it.

Wayne!

Let's have a dart.

No sense causing a big stink
the night before I leave.

No one wants a fuss, eh?

Ain't no reason to get excited.

You're not gonna
see me for a week.

Well, your Pitbull rescue pals
out west will be happy to see you.

You're gonna be sad
all week missing me?

Might be a wee bit sad, yeah.

You don't have to do something

every time a drunk
dude bumps me.

Comes with the territory.

Of what?

Being the toughest
guy in Letterkenny?

Must be tiring after a while.

Always having the pork
chop around your neck.

Boar chop.

Boar chops are s'gawddam good.

The man loves boar chops.

I gotta pack.

Comin' now?

I'll finish my beer
and come crawl in.

I wonder how important being
the toughest guy in Letterkenny

needs to be to you anymore.

I've had this
conversation before.

It's fine if it is.

I just wonder.

Maybe it isn't.

[car seatbelt warning beeping]

[engine starting]

[upbeat music]