11x06 - egens

[bunniefuu]

You were having a dart with
your pals the other day...

DAN: Tanis is off
the darts, eh?

- WAYNE: Is she really?
- DARY: How'd she manage that?

Said she was reading an
articles in Canadian Livings,

or... or maybe it
was Chatelaines.

Could have just as
easily been Chatelaine.

- Or Flare.
- Oh, maybe it was Flares.

Could have just as easily been.

Either way, she was
reads-ing an article

that posed the questions,
"Whens was the last times

youse reallys
enjoyeds a darts?"

Well, I gotta say that I'm
enjoying this dart quite a bit

- right here.
- This is a great dart.

Yeah. I was just thinking
there ain't nothing wrong

with the darts I'm
havings right nows.

Like, I know you're not
supposed to like them.

- Who's "you"?
- And they tell you

- that they're bad for you.
- Who's "they"?

But it's just like...

quit telling me what
I shouldn't like.

I think youse just became theys.

So don't go telling me
what I shouldn't like.

Who you f*cking talking to, bud?

I was just thinkings,
I can'ts...

I can'ts remembers a
darts I didn'ts enjoys.

Well, it's like, if you're
not going to enjoy the dart,

then just don't have the dart.

Well, yeah. That's the power
that you have over the darts.

They try to tell you
that that's the power

the darts have over you.

f*ck. They's got a big mouth.

They's starting to piss me off!

Well, just because I
think that, you know,

it's you running to
the store all the time

and spending your hard-earned
money on the darts,

rather than the
other way around.

[Chuckling] Kind
of funny, though,

the thought of darts going
to the store for you.

They don't think so, eh?

DAN: What would you says is
the darts yous most enjoyeds?

Oh. [Chuckling]

We've had a lot of great
darts over the years.

I've always enjoyed
that first dart

- when you step off an airplane.
- That's a great dart.

No better pair than
a coffee and a dart.

WAYNE: f*cking not
even a piss and a fart.

DARY: But if I have to say the
dart that I enjoyed the most...

- DAN: Evers?
- Yeah.

If I have to say the dart
that I enjoyed the most ever,

it would be the first
dart I ever had.

Geez, I don't remember that dart

being such a good darts for mes.

Oh, I coughed so God damn bad.

Well, it was the first
time I'd ever had sex.

DAN, WAYNE: Oh.

- If you lay it out like that.
- Changed my f*cking mind.

- That'd be a damned good dart.
- Context. Yeah.

Wee bit cliché, though, lighting
up a darts after sex, though,

- don't you thinks?
- Well, I had heard

that you're supposed to lay
with them for a little while

before you go get cleaned up,
so I figured I'd have a dart.

Better not be darting in bed
if I'm doing up the linens.

It's just that I'd seen
people in movies smoke

so many times after
sex that I thought

that's what you were
'exposed' to do.

DAN: Oh, no.

Same thing goes with
the sex beforehand.

I just did what I'd seen so
many times in porno movies,

and it turns out that is not
what you're exposed to do.

- WAYNE: No.
- I thinks the best darts

I ever had was the series of
darts I'd smokes after school,

playing cards with
my Aunt Ethels.

But mind you, Ethels
would call darts f*gs,

and I expose there's a
certain amount of charm

to that language coming
outs of the right mouths.

Oh, context. Yeah.

What about you, Wayne?

[Wayne grunting]

You okays, good buddies?

[Grunting] Just like...

getting a wee bit emotional here

with all this talk
of great darts.

DAN: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Been a lot of great f*cking
darts over the years.

WAYNE: think about
them a lot, so...

Only can really think
about them so much, though.

You think about who's
been there for you.

Yeah. Right there in
the breast pocket there.

f*cking great darts.

Do you want to know what? You
kinda enjoy them all equally,

and if you didn't, you
wouldn't smoke them.

So hold your judgement,
because at the end of the day,

I could put down
darts a lot faster

than you could put down
the f*cking internet.

♪

How's Jivin' doing?

WAYNE: You're late, bud!

You're late, bud.

You're late, bud!

You're late, bud.

Bale of hay could k*ll a man!

WAYNE: It's f*cking barley!

He'll figure it out.

Don't cuts him too much
slacks, good buddies.

Bend enough and you'll break.

I'd have never hired
him in the first place.

When a friend asks for
help, you help him.

- No friend of mine.
- Oh, look at that.

Guy who got exiled for two years

after getting written up in
the paper for mailbox stealing

doesn't believe
in second chances.

Hey, Katy? Katy?

What are those?

What, these?

See you got some
new high-tops there.

These don't need
an introduction.

What are you trying
to f*cking...

you trying to f*cking
start a punk band or...

- Skas band?
- Skinhead?

Sticks and stones, boys.
Docs are timeless fashion,

and timeless fashion
never goes out of style.

Okay. So, what are
you, a f*cking...

f*cking dairy-free
ice cream eater or...

- Going to smoke a pipe next?
- Oi! Oi! Oi!

Style tips from Mark's Work
f*cking Warehouse. I love it.

DAN: Alright, but does you
really wants to be... that guy?

Youse guys don't know what
the f*ck you're talking about.

What's wrong with being
known for something?

Oh, nothings, nothings...

if'n it's a good thing.

Yeah, there was a while
there that I was thinking

about rocking a chain wallet,
but didn't want to be that guy.

Same with me when I
had my n*pples ring.

- I was that guy.
- How'd you get that out?

- You was there.
- Was I really?

I mean, it's like the time I
wanted to get cat-eye glasses,

but I didn't want
to be that guy.

Same with bangs.

Oh, my God.

Should I get bangs?

GUYS: [In monotone] Yes.
You should get bangs.

It's not the right time.

- Should I get bangs?
- Dudes don't get bangs.

- Wayne has bangs.
- Docs are different, though.

Docs are iconic.

- You doing Kegels over there?
- What's that?

Why are you squinting so much?

Future's bright.

I've been noticing you doing
that a lot more recently.

I've noticed you doing it a wee
bits more than usuals, toos,

- good buddies.
- No. I think you're squinting

just the perfect amount
there, good buddy.

You're having trouble
seeing, aren't you?

Got a bright future.

When was the last time you
went to the optom-al-myth?

Oh, that'd be our class
trip to Dr. McDavid's.

- As in Grade 2?
- Grade 1.

- Grade 1!
- What's the problem, Katy?

- I'm making you an appointment.
- Don't you got

a f*cking Warped Tour
to get to or something?

Why don't you go play f*cking
rockabilly, f*cking steampunk?

- f*cking dance of the skanks.
- f*cking going straight edge.

WAYNE: Get outta here,
you f*cking stage diver!

Say, where's Dr. McDavid?

Dr. McDavid my grandpa,
or Dr. McDavid my dad?

- The doctors McDavid.
- Golf course. Or Legion.

Yeah, 'cause I was just
thinking you're kind of young

- to be a doctor, eh?
- I think when you get

to a certain age,
everyone seems young.

Good enough.

So, do you want the good
news first or the bad news?

- Bad.
- You're dying.

- I'll get my affairs in order.
- There's no bad news.

Some people with your
vision get glasses,

and some people don't.

Well, then I'll save a buck.

What prompted you to
get your eyes checked?

I'm told I squint too much.

- You got a bright future.
- Thank you for your help.

But if the sun's
bothering you...

Well, the sun doesn't bother me.

I could apply your prescription

to a very stylish
pair of sunglasses.

Hmm...

You playing shortstop or second?

- Eh?
- Left field?

- Mind your beeswax.
- A little brisk out

for beach volleyballs
theres, good buddies.

Little warm for '80s
night on the slopes.

I could shake my head
in these all day.

- They won't come off.
- Prove it.

You look like you're about
to rip a Tour De France.

Look like Lance Armstrong if
he did even more steroids.

You look like the guy who's
gonna say something r*cist

into camera at a
live-on-location news broadcast.

I thought Jivin' Pete
was exposed to bes heres.

[Groaning]

- What?
- Now, I'll shake my head.

- He's f*cking up.
- How late is he this times?

- Doesn't matter.
- Late is late.

Yeah. If you're not 10
minutes early, you're late.

He smells like a
brewery all morning

and a dispensary all afternoon.

Smells like he pissed on a
campfire and stood in the smoke.

Look who's talking.

Tried to show me a nude of
a gal he had on his phone,

and I said, "I, sirs,
ams a feminist."

- Don't be that guy.
- Yeah.

Definitely don't be that guy.

Oh... Do you want
to know what?

- I feel bad for him.
- Who the f*ck are you?

Like, I'm not getting soft
or anything. Just, like...

You're a fanny pack
full of cotton ba*ls.

It's like, it's likely not
easy getting yourself sorted

after you been off smoking
meth for half a f*cking decade.

You're a chocolate
marshmallow Santa.

- Here he is, doing it.
- You're baby hair, bud.

Just can't get out
of his own way.

You know what? I
think those sunglasses

are a wee bit tight on
your brain, big brother.

But I ams a feminists.

Good, Dan. Girls love that.

Well, I was told they don't.

WAYNE: Want to
know what? f*ck it.

I got to do something,
because he's f*cking useless.

- He is risen.
- Yeah.

He's f*cking up
lots, good buddy.

Yeah. Shared those
nude pictures of Gails.

- Abandoned his dog.
- Now, he's late

every f*cking day, and then
you give him a second chance.

- And what does he do?
- Smells like a brewery

all morning and a
dispensary all afternoon.

- Time to cut him loose.
- I'll do something like that.

- There he is.
- Just, uh...

don't like to kick
people when they're down.

But... I ams a feminists.

Never want to get your d*ck
sucked again, then, eh, bud?

"I Speak Feminist."

Yo. This guy likes to party.

You're not that guy, are you?

I will no longers bes brow-
beatens because of my beliefs.

I'm a feminist, sirs,
and prouds ofs it.

You know you can be one
without screaming it

in everybody's
face, though, right?

Those who shout the loudest
have the most to hide.

- Same thing goes for gals, too.
- [Yelling] Huh?

There's no rights or wrongs
ways to bes a feminists.

You mansplaining, bud?

Never.

Hey, boys.

- There's womens presents.
- Okay, fine. Hey, guys.

- That's not better.
- f*ck off.

- So, it's my birthday week...
- Sorry. What?

It's my birthday week,

and I want to celebrate it
with everyone I care about.

So, I was wondering if you
all would meet me here tonight

to celebrate the best
birthday week ever.

- You're that guy?
- What guy?

The guy who makes way too big
a deal out of his own birthday.

Only 13-year-old girls can use

the expression "birthday
week," you Sally.

- I got this, buddy.
- Thanks, bud.

Look. It's just
been a really...

It's just been a really
tough week for everyone,

with the degens f*cking
with us again...

Degens are f*cking
with youse, too?

Tibadoo got a job
driving the Zamboni,

but he didn't show up for work,

and we had to play our beer
league game in an inch of snow.

- f*ck youse, Tibadoos.
- And I just...

I just think a
birthday week party

is what we all need right now.

- Huh?
- And you're that guy?

[Hesitantly] Yes?

The guy who knows what
we all need right now?

What next? Anything
that that brings you

mild satisfaction is everything?

And anyone doing anything
remotely relatable

is "all of us"?

Gail, the new hand soap
you got in the bathroom

gives me life.

Oh, my God, Katy.
That video you posted

of Gus sleeping beside
his bowl is such a mood.

You're not a tabloid
magazine's Twitter account.

Stop talking like that.

Well, none of this
changes the fact

that I still want to make,
uh, my birthday week...

ALL: Don't say
"birthday week"!

I wasn't going to!

Birthday.

But I do really want to
make a week out of it, so...

We'll come to your
birthday party.

- Thank you.
- You're early.

If you're not 10 minutes
early, you're late.

f*cking A, ma fille.

Anik, it's my birthday
week, so I was...

- Don't be that guy.
- Okay.

- Hi, Anik.
- Bonjour, Daryl.

[Snapping]

Did youse know that
those little top ponies

are still a thing
with dudes in Quebec?

REILLY: Like a...
like a top knot?

GAIL: Kind of, but gnarlier.

Like a little nubbin up there.

Hmm. You don't say.

DAN: Nothing wrong with a guy
shows-ing his feminine side,

- sirs, especially...
- No.

- No. Okay.
- I was watching

some hockey fights from
the Quebec senior league,

and I picked out two dozen
of those little nubbins

in the crowd.

REILLY: Nubbin.

Oh.

Now, there's a way
things run around here,

and your work ethic is
slowing up production.

Okay.

I can see you're trying to turn
over a new leaf and all that,

and I'm trying to help you,

but you're not reliable.

Okay.

Feels to me like there
might be a problem.

I wonder if it
mightn't be a bad idea

for you to take some
time and get that sorted.

You firing me?

Did I say I was firing you?

Okay.

Jivin's saying some
sh*t about you.

And we know it's not true,

but we want you to
know it's being said.

He came to us for
some contraband

an hour or so ago,
and he was indignant,

irked, ireful, ill-tempered!

He said you called us f*gs.

We know you wouldn't
say that, so...

We just wanted you to
know it was being said.

[Vehicle approaching]

MCMURRAY: Wayne.

How are you, now?

- Good, and you?
- Not so bad.

Wayne, Jivin' come to the
house looking for a hot tub.

Now, he's an old pal, so,

you know, I
entertained the idea,

but then he had the audacity,
the little rat b*stard,

to say that when he was
here working with youse,

that youse guys were saying
you'd like to f*ck my old lady,

Mrs. McMurray!

Now, I know you wouldn't say it.

I'm just letting you
know, it's being said.

We know you wouldn't say it.

But, like... if you did...

[Vehicle approaching]

[Truck doors closing]

Jivin' was talking sh*t about
you in the MoDean's parking lot.

Dan went to punched
him. He ducked out.

Dary went to chase him,
but he couldn't catch him.

Well, that's the difference

between a friend and a pal.

A pal will listen to
someone talk sh*t about you.

A friend won't hear
a second of it.

Degens are back.

Degens ain't welcomes.

How we going to f*ck this pig?

Hi.

Daryl!

What?

You're that guy?

[Both laughing]

BOTH: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- I tried to tell him.
- Nothing wrongs

with showings your
feminine sides, Darys.

Take your hair down,
you f*cking woman.

You going to rip
some Ultimate later?

- You mean Ultimate Frisbee?
- Guess not.

If you were, you would know
they just call it Ultimate.

You going for glamour
shots later or something?

Well, okay. You said
dudes from Quebec

have tiny little top knots up
there, so I thought maybe...

Daryl.

Mm. Hello, Anik.

Trying something new?

This? Oh. [Chuckling]
You noticed.

You look like all my cousints.

[Skids laughing]

- That was hot.
- That was...

It's good to be known
for something, Daryl.

And there is nothing wrong
with being... that guy.

For instance, I
wear a bowler hat.

[Snapping] I'm that guy.

Yeah, and I wear a
bandana. I'm that guy.

Thank you, skids.

Just don't be...

BOTH: That guy!

[Both laughing]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hey, Gails, what guys are youse?

- In a town this size?
- Yeah.

- The black guy.
- The great David Beckham

could barely pull
that off, you fool.

Bender like
Beckham. [Laughing]

Hilarious coming from
A Clockwork Orange.

- What?
- KATY: They're right.

You're no Jon Snow, bud.

Don't you have a Mighty Mighty
Bosstones show to get to?

I'm more of a Rancid gal.

What's with the hat, Dan?

- I, sirs, am...
- Just kidding.

- I don't give a f*ck.
- Why would you ask him, then?

That was so rude!

[All talking at once]

[Angrily talking
over each other]

[Spitting]

What happens now, Wayne?

You start walking
in this direction,

or you start running
in the other one.

Yeah? You going to chase me?

No. You've done
what you've done.

And if you want to
humiliate yourself

right here in front
of all your pals

by not taking responsibility
for it when the time's come...

well, that's enough for me.

And what if we just
beat the sh*t out of you

right here and right now?

I'm not leaving here without
some sort of resolution.

I came to work every single day,

and I poured my heart
and soul into that job.

And you tell me I'm
slowing up production

to try to fire me?

I never said I was firing you.

I've been chore-ing 20 years!

Twenty years, and no
one's ever told me

I was slowing up
production in my life!

So maybe you ought to take a
good, hard look in the mirror,

do some thinking about which
one of us is the real problem,

because the only person with
an issue here... is you.

Youse have upset a
lot of people in town.

Yeah? Well, it's a good
thing I'm from upcountry.

But in spite of all that...

Despite.

- Despite what?
- Never mind.

In spite of all that,

I'm going to give
you a little pass,

prove to you I'm not
the man you think I am!

So, go. Go, go, go.

Gather up some of your pals,

and when youse are ready
to sort this out...

we'll be right here waiting.

[Brendan Canning "Plugged In"]

♪

♪ What comes of...
[Singing indistinctly] ♪

♪ Too much waiting... ♪

[Singing indistinctly]

♪ ...not working ♪

♪ Your way is to... ♪

♪ A holiday ♪

♪ The holidays ♪

♪ I can take ♪

♪

♪

♪ Same ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ As me ♪

♪ Please come here ♪

[Singing indistinctly]

♪ Words keep on wanting ♪

♪ The points to ♪

♪ The message ♪

♪ No more messages ♪

♪ I can take ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ Fella ♪

♪

♪ Today is what... ♪

♪ Is done ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Your holiday ♪

♪ No more holidays ♪

♪ I can take ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ Fella ♪

♪