11x03 - Lost Dog

[bunniefuu]

A few hockey players come
into the bar the other day...

- Le boys.
- Boys.

- Boys.
- Boys.

New hockey player themed menus.

HOCKEY PLAYERS: Oh,
Bonnie McMurray!

You picked the right
day for Sandis Ozolunch.

Ryan Getzlunch was
actually Jonesy's idea.

I'll get some Water
Gretzky for the table.

Still or Guy Carbonated?

I'd have a Corey Perrier
and Vladimir So-vodka.

Scotch Stevens for me.

Jonesy? Gary Wetman
your whistle?

I usually go for
the Jaromir Lager,

but I like the looks of this
Bloody Marián Hossa special.

Comes Kris Letangy
with Dill Kessel,

garnished with Henrik
Sardine and Clam Neely.

I love Brent Seafood.

Wait 'til I tell you
about the Matt Marlin.

HOCKEY PLAYERS:
Gail Hawerchuk!

You in for some
Henrik Lunch-qvist?

And to think we almost skipped
Mikael Backlunch altogether.

Good thing we didn't
go for Nick Suzushi.

This is shaping up to be the
Owen Nolunch of our lives.

And to think I almost just gra.

I'm ready to eat that Jake
Pretzel off the floor.

You know, I started my way
with a Connor McDanish.

Let's order your James Meals.

I know it's hot out, but I could
go for a Jonathan Cheapsoup.

Like a Brian Campbell's?

Gailer, what's your soup
of the Damon Severson?

Roasted Cal Butternut.

How's the Ramen Hamrlik?

Better than the Tom Yum Wilson.

And to think we almost just
went for Josh Pho-Sang.

I'll get the cheese plate. I'.

Ivan Provolone's
the real highlight.

Comes with bread...

Josh Naan'derson.

Main Shayne courses?

How's the Sloppy Joe Thornton?

It's got Parme-Sean Couturier
with diced Radish Vrbata

and Turnip Stevenson.

And to think we were
just going to whip up

some RJ Umberger Helper.

Can you tell me about the
meat in your beef Stu Barnes?

It's Jaroslav Halal.

I was hoping for
some Jake DeBrisket.

Comes with Leon Dry-Salad
and there's a bean, too,

um, Kidney Crosby.

As much as I like
a Sheldon Soufflé,

I'm gonna keep it simple, go
with the Charlie Mac'n cheese.

It comes with Tyson
Toast. Anything else?

Just some Matthew Ketchup.

And to think we were just gon.

Speaking of beef Stu Barnes,
how's the Patrice Bourguignon?

Secret ingredient
is Dijon Phaneuf.

Comes with Cedric Baguette,

but I should have
some Travis Greens.

Mm, Kale Hunter.

Oh, is there an Aki Berger?

We've got Grant Fuhrgers.

We could also do
an Artemi Panini

or a Sandwich Ozolinsh.

Ham Ward subs too.

Adam Foot-long?

Or a Six-inch Ozolinsh.

And to think, we were
just going to crush

some Bagel Bites Battaglia?

Sort desserts now or
are youse watching

your weight Belak's?

You got anything like
a Marc-André McFlurry?

Of course. Comes with
Jonathan Huber-cookie-dough.

We've also got Tyson Blue-Barrie
and James Kiwiznewski.

Mm, should we get
chocolate fondue Koivu?

I've got some Joe
Nieuwen-Klondike bars

in the freezer.

For me it'll be the Pie
Domi with Caramel Nurse.

Alright, but looking
at your waistlines

I'd consider the
Anthony Deangelato.

Yeah.

Solid menu, Gailer Hall.

Thanks, Bon Tugnutt.

Say, who's your
favourite player?

Gabriel Longestcock.

♪

Stewart-Stewart!

What's Gucci?

Tibadoo's dog's lost.

And what's he
Tiba-doing about it?

Oh, shut the f*ck up.

He's not Tiba-doing anything.

[Gasping]

He'll just Tiba-do without it.

What?!

Do you wanna know what?

It's kinda what a lot of
country folk are like.

They just open the
door in the morning,

let the dog out for the day,
open it up again at night,

and if it's not there,
well, f*ck'...

Tough sleddin'.

That's how I was raised.

f*ck youse, Tibadoos.

KATY: It's kind of double
trouble here though.

It was Jivin's dog first,
it ran away from him,

and he gave up on it.

There's Jivin f*ck' up again.

And then Tibadoo found
it, it ran away from him,

and he gave up on it.

What if it's hurt somewhere?

You know, if that dog came back,

he probably wouldn't
even take it to the vet.

Nope, just wrap it in a blanket,

put it in front of a
fire for a few days.

They're well-meaning
folks, but a bit redneck.

f*ck youse, Tibadoos.

I ask again, what if
it is hurt somewhere?

We'll find it.

Found more than a few
runaways during my time doing

pit bull rescue in Vancouv.

You're a great gal, Rosie.

Yeah.

And... we've got Glen.

Glen?

♪

Glen.

Roald. Daniel.

Rosie. Katy. Stewart.

Wayne! As I'm
sure you all know,

I added dog-trapping to my
wildly impressive skillsets

at the age of 17, whilst
doing missionary work

in Puerto Escondido.

I didn't knows that.

It's in his Twitter bio.

Twitter is a cult.

Well, don't you remember
when Glen was written up

in The Banner for
finding that beagle?

Oof, beagles go bucky.

Super tough to find because
they're trying to get lost.

I caught him swimming island to.

They get a scent
and they're gone.

- Sounds familiar.
- Silly f*ck' hounds.

High survival rate however.

So, Glen Close.

How are you going to find it!

First things first.

The lost dog.

A three-year old Nova Scotia
Duck Toller Retriever.

[gasping] Just a little boo.

Oh! Is he a good boy?

He is such a boy.

How long's the boy been lost?

Well, he might identify as a s.

Five days.

I wasn't finished
virtue signaling, Glen.

- Roald.
- Name?

- Gregory.
- [Giggling]

Is it f*ck' really?

Thou shalt not lie, Wayne!

You're not supposed to
give dogs human names.

Imagine trying to call
him at a dog park?

[Laughing] No, Gregory!
Bad dog, Gregory.

Oh! Sad dog, Gregory.

We will not be using his name.

f*ck' eh.

Once a dog has been in
the wild for that long,

their brain undergoes
a chemical change

called Missing Dog Syndrome,

basically fight or flight mode.

So, when we encounter
him, do not use his name.

It might trigger
him to run away!

Whys isn't Tibadoos
outs looks-in' for him?

Same reason Jivin wasn't.

Yeah, he's a f*ck' degen.

There's only a 3% chance a
dog will go to their owner

after entering
Missing Dog Syndrome.

[Scoffing] So
it's a moot point.

Who the f*ck are you?

Also, we should probably
track him in smaller groups.

A large pack might spook him.

Girls rule, boys drool?

Don't threaten me
with a good time.

Well, I'll go with
you, good buddy.

Wh... Good buddy? Wayne!

Well, whats abouts me's?

You're too emotional to
track, Squirrely Dan.

That energy's not good for a.

I am not emotionals!

We'll consult a psychic.

What?

To find the dog.

A psychic?

Listen. When I
was a young skid,

my parents, they owned
a Chow Chow named

Tatiana Pamplemousse,
and I know I seem like

I've been a bit emotional
throughout all this,

but that's just because Tatiana
went missing one evening...

- Doesn't matter.
- Anyhoo.

Let's go up Wallace way.

KATY: I'll take Eaton way.

- WAYNE: I need fuel.
- ROSIE: West end?

WAYNE: Oh, Bender's
is cheaper.

[Whimpering] Free beer.

Mr. Dan?

My... My sweeties
Ellens reads tea leaves.

That's... That's kinds
of likes a psychics?

[Both giggling maniacally]

Alright.

I guess I'll drive.

Can't believe we
got stood up, buddy.

I've never been stood
up in my life, bro.

Stood up for a
gym date, no less.

See, bro, now we'll never know.

About their gym styles?

No, about their steez,
buddy. We'll never know!

Like, what's your
favourite steez?

Hm. Oh.

I like that steez, buddy.

Ooh, I like that steez.

Oh, love that steez,
bro. [Chuckling]

Aw, that's good steez, too.

Hi, Tassie!

Hey, Cassie!

- I'm Cassie.
- I'm Tassie.

Yeah, we'll get 'er.

If she's Tassie steez,
all is forgiven, buddy.

All is forgiven if
she's Cassie steez,

but we'll never know, bro!

We'll never know now, buddy.

- WOMAN 1: Reilly?
- WOMAN 2: Jonesy?

- Hey, I'm April.
- May.

Sorry we're late.

That's okay.

No, it's not, it's tacky.

BOTH: Yeah.

But we're here now.

BOTH: Yeah.

Wait. No, we have beer
league now, buddy.

Oh. Hundy P.

We waited all afternoon.

Completely my fault.

May was on time...

- April.
- May?

- April.
- May.

It's not your fault your
little brother came home

late with the car.

- You're right.
- I know.

So, um, we're here now?

Yeah, but we got beer
league now though.

So, skip it?

BOTH: We're not
skipping hockey.

Then we'll come watch you play.

[Both laughing]

Okay.

You don't bring your sweetie
to your beer league game.

Well, why not?

Usually there's only
one clueless guy

that'll bring his sweetie
to his beer league game,

and that means there's one
lone rocket sitting solo

in the stands, and if that clu,

then I'm finding out who that
guy is on the other team,

and I'm chirping
that guy all night.

See, I'll know who
the clueless guy is

half way through warm-up,
and I'll be getting

right in his kitchen
all night long.

- Are you serious?
- I think they're serious.

- You guys are rockets.
- NASA certified.

- Aggressive boost gliders.
- Exhaust velocity.

- Ballistic missiles.
- Thrust equalizers.

Unrestricted burners.

Static tested, staged in orbit.

BOTH: Huh.

But there's no way we'd put a.

Rain check?

No time, buddy. We gotta go.

Rain check! Love your steez!

Love the steez, snipees!

[Scoffing]

April?

May?

April.

May.

We just got ditched.

I've never been ditched
a day in my life.

BOTH: Huh.

Tommy Bahama lookin'
m*therf*cker.

Mine looks like a toe.

What sort of botched birth
canal did that mole roll out of?

Monkfish, hagfish, flightless
dung beetle lookin' mutt.

f*ck' hockey players.

You know, dudes like that
spend the entire game

looking at their
reflection in the glass.

Dudes like that go tongue out.

We drove all the way
from the city for this?

We have to make this trip worth
a tank of gas, am I right?

Bring a back-up ensemble?

A couple. You?

My car is my closet, lovely.

Oh. Hey, Tassie!

Hey Cassie!

I'm Tassie.

I'm Cassie.

You sure?

GLEN: Now, a Duck Toller doest

of say a Shepherd or a Shar Pei.

But he'll sure as
sh*t be preyed upon.

Breed's not a big
roamer, fortunately.

Unlike f*ck' beagles.

Is it true that
purebreds are more likely

to get stolen than mutts?

Texas sized 10-4.

I hope someone didn't
scoop Gregory up

and start whoring him out.

f*ck' Gregory.

You're not supposed to
give dogs human names.

Well, if he's three, his
pills should be long gone.

Not a safe assumption if yo.

Most lost or spooked
dogs will have a three

to seven kilometer range,
though some will get up to 18.

They'll often centre around
their last known place,

even if something traumatic
happened like gettin' dinged.

Dogs will follow barriers.

Edges of the bush.

Fence lines.

Dogs circle before laying down.

So watch for patches
of flattened down grass

in a twisted pattern.

This'd be a lot harder
for the dog in the winter,

but it'd be a lot easier for us.

Fun fact, dogs will often
go where horses are kept.

What if the weather gets bad?

They'll seek shelter from
the wind behind something

rather than crawl
under something.

He'll roam 'til it gets really
bad before finding shelter.

Dogs can sense weather
before it shows up.

Is it true that dogs
can sense earthquakes?

Yeah, 'cause Gus slept throu.

- Did he really?
- Is that right?

Pooped in the bed a
wee bit later though.

Did he really?

Is that right?

Yup, which ultimately
became breakfast in bed.

Yup.

So...

Not all of it, Roald.

Leave about a teaspoon
in the bottom.

It's okay. Now turn it.

Rotate it three times.

And make a wish.

[Scoffing] Roald.

We's all wishin'
for the same things.

That's why we called
youse, Ellens.

Wish you'd come more often, Dan.

SKIDS: [whispering]
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

- Butt sex.
- Butt sex.

Do you want me to tell you th?

[Roald squealing]

Dogs will go to
horses, you know.

You takes the goods
with the bads.

Such is lifes.

Okay.

What I'm doing now is
examining the tea leaves

for any shapes
that may jump out.

Any numbers, letters...

starting at the handle,

and moving clockwise
around the cup.

STEWART: 'Kay.

It looks like Gregory is hurt.

[Gasping] What?!

I can't tell if he still is,

but I see the letter T.

Tibadoo.

He isn't moving.

BOYS: What?

He's not dead, he's
just not moving.

And then?

I get the sense that
he's... confined somehow.

I see the letter D.

Degens from upcountries?

I see an A.

[Whispering] Aliens?

And I see an N.

Wait.

D-A-N?

That's my names.

Well, it could also...

Could also spell "Nad".

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

Do you think this
looks like a d*ck?

[Players hooting and hollering]

♪

♪ Tear the roof up, baby, ♪

♪ Don't give a sh*t
how it's done ♪

SHORESY: What f*cking
clueless pieces of sh*t

brought their broads to
watch 'em play beer league?

[Knocking]

- Reilly!
- Jonesy!

Thank you for inviting
us to watch you play

- beer league, babe.
- Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

We know how much you
love beer league, babe.

We know how
seriously you take y.

We're just gonna be
your lil' cheerleaders!

- Score me a goal!
- Love ya, babe!

APRIL: Have fun!

Where the f*ck did he go?

Gonna be a long night,
you f*ck losers!

I hope he didn't get dinged.

Statistically, getting
dinged by a car

will happen when the
dog first gets lost.

Slim chance it will
happen in the days after.

Dogs most often travel
in a linear pattern,

back and forth.

Quarries are another
good place to look.

Shelter from the wind.

Bonus if there's a water source.

They need time to calm after
Lost Dog Syndrome kicks in.

They need time to get desperate

before they'll seek
out civilization.

Okay, this is important.

If we see Gregory,
don't say his name

the way he's used to hearing it.

His name is now
a trigger to run.

What you wanna do is kneel
down without facing him.

But keep him in your
peripheral vision.

Almost like you're facing
another dog that isn't there.

And you want to use words
Gregory knows, like walk.

- Treat.
- It'll also be beneficial

to have some treats
on your person.

'Kay, back to saying
Gregory's name in a way

that he doesn't usually hear.

It helps to sing it.

- Sing it?
- Yup.

- Sing Gregory?
- Make it sing-songy.

Well, imagine Tibadoo's
at the back door

hollerin' and telling him
it's time to come for supper,

he'd probably say
something like: Gregory!

BOTH: [Sternly] Gregory!

- Gregory!
- Right?

So, you want to give each
syllable a different tone.

Shake things up a little.

- Make it sing-songy.
- Try it.

- You try it.
- Try it.

You try it.

[Glen & Rosie clearing
their throats]

BOTH: [Singing] Gregory.

GLEN: ♪ Gregory ♪

ROSIE: ♪ Gregory ♪

♪ Gregory, Gregory ♪

♪ Gregory ♪

[speaking flatly] Gregory.

[Sighing] You're not supposed
to give dogs human names.

Ooh, look over there.

Some flattened down grass
in a twisted pattern.

Sheltered from the wind.

Close to a fence line.

- And look...
- [Neighing]

Horses.

Oh.

SHORESY: Whole
rink's laughin' .

f*ck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: f*ck you, Reilly.
I haven't laughed this hard

since your mom queefed
out her birthday candles.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, Jonesy. I
haven't laughed this hard

since your mom cleared
out Denny's at 3:00 am

with her coke farts.

[Whistle blowing]
f*ck, boys, I .

- What's that Gap Dream?
- f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, Reilly. I'm only
asking so I can help your mum.

Her ginger mitt's
so rotten I call it

Anne of Gangrene
Gables. Sticks in.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: f*ck you, Jonesy.
Anything's better than

your mom's spoiled oyster stank.

[Whistle blowing]

[Grunting] f*ck, Shoresy!

f*ck's sake, Reilly.

How do you get 'em to
sit still like that?

I can't take your
mum f*cking anywhere.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

Yeah, f*ck you, Reilly.
Your mom hand bombed herself

at our picnic at the beach andf

of squirt into the
water like sea levels

aren't rising at
an alarming rate.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: f*ck you, Jonesy.

Your mom gave me an over-
the-pants handy at the mall

and then cried when
I cleaned myself up

with the racy top
she got at Sirens.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, you piece of
sh*t. [Whistle blowing]

[Whistle blowing]

f*ck, I wish they'd just
go back to the city, buddy.

SHORESY: Hey,
Reilly, speaking r

in the city was a rough
trip never wandered from

your mom's mitt to her butthole.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

I swear, if you weren't
a f*cking ref, I'd...

SHORESY: f*ck you, Jonesy.
I swear if your mom fills

my bedroom with any more squirt
I'm going to need to rent

a water taxi to get out of.

f*ck you, Shoresy, and fuc.

I'm out, too. Ninja dust, bro.

SHORESY: Well, f*ck it,
dibs on digies, boys.

Hey, you guys wanna get some
Thai style chow mein, or...

♪

D.

An A.

And an N.

There's lots of guys in
Letterkennys named Dan.

ELLEN: It could be "Nad".

You know, a few of those guys
even shares my last names.

I thought your
last name was Dan.

[Scoffing] Dan
is a first name.

What did you think
my first name was?

Squirrelly.

[Phone vibrating]

Oh, hold on.

[Phone vibrating]

Squirrelly Daniel's phone,
Squirrely Daniel speakings.

Uh-huh? Oh, terrific.

Oh, good news.

Toodle-oo.

Oh, they found Gregory.

NOAH: We first saw him
running the fence line

where the horses are kept.

Yes and then he came
back later that afternoon

when we were
installing the swing.

Ah! I hadn't mentioned.
We're... swingers now.

Oh.

A large portion of our
community enjoys swinging.

Mainly the children,
traditionally,

but recently we've joined a n.

We've swung with each
other's parents once.

How's the dog?

Oh, he was barely conscious
when he first wandered over.

Eyes barely open.
Just little slits.

The tightest little slits.

As he was losing consciousness
I began jerking him

to keep him up.

Two hands at one point.

He had a fairly serious
gash on his side, once.

Clash with a coyote, no doubt.

Well, if you fight one,
you fight a bunch of 'em.

I was able to patch him up,

but it took a lot of
tender love and care.

Let's just say I've
had my face in gash

for the better
part of three days.

Face and fingers, once.

I swiftly retrieved my scissors

and crafted a
bandage for the gash.

No one scissors like mine wife.

Well, our daughters
scissor quite skillfully.

Now, credit where it's due.

Our daughters learned to
scissor from their mother.

Teaching our
daughters to scissor

has been one of the
great joys of my life.

Look at me.

I get wet just
thinking about it.

A D for Dyck.

An A for Anita.

And Ns for Noahs.

And the tea leaves were
in the shape of a d*ck!

Where's he now, Anita?

Is he confined?

We wrapped him in a blanket

and laid him by a fire, once.

Well-meaning folks,
just a wee bit redneck.

The children have taken
quite a fondness to Sunshine.

[Gasping] Sunshine?

Yes. The name we've given
him, if only temporarily.

We thought of calling him
Monster for the sickness

living inside of him.

Monster Dyck.

And he was so thin
when he first arrived

we thought of
calling him Pencil.

Pencil Dyck.

We even considered
naming him after

Noah's late grandmother,

Sarah Theresa Dyck.

STD for short.

SKIDS: [whispering]
Discharge, .

But at last we settled on...

But his name is...

Sunshine.

You're not supposed to
give dogs human names.

We'll be sad to see him go.

I assume ye's are
here to take him back,

return him to his true master?

[All muttering]

Alright, okay. Fine.
It looks like we agree!

How would youse
like to keep him?

Now, mine wife, you
know on Mennonite farms

animals fulfil
only two functions.

T'work and t'eat.

But Sunshine is still healing.

♪ Sittin' on the
edge atop a canyon ♪

Joyful wife, joyful life.

Alright, then.

[Clapping]

He can stay. We'll continue
to tend to him day to day.

I'm surprised that mine
wife didn't become a doctor,

for it would seem as though
she can't resist an open gash.

My husband knew I was many
things when he married me,

but I can assure you,

a gash lover was
not one of them.

It's true!

[Both laughing]

[Both laughing hysterically]

♪ ...become afraid
and watch it go ♪

♪ And the day is long ♪

♪ And the bridge is gone ♪

♪ And the river's
washed away... ♪

♪ The road I'm on ♪

♪ Only road I know ♪

♪

♪ Everybody's got a problem ♪

♪ Something to do
with self-control ♪

♪ You gotta tell somebody ♪

♪ If you got one ♪

♪ You can't pretend
you didn't know ♪