11x01 - Chips

[bunniefuu]

You smelt Gap Dream at
the bar the other night

and that got you
hard as old sugar.

You sparked the BBQ
with the lid still down

and turned your niece's


from the Hurt Locker.

Your friend's dad called

your sister's pet
squirrel a "bush shrimp".

You've come to the conclusion
that if she's got three

or more colours in her hair,
she's offended by everything.

Your pal chose the urinal
directly beside yours

which gotcha thinking about
how he always wants to cross

your arms and crack your back.

You wanna give your
sweetie the world

but all you can
afford is Edmonton.

And really you shoulda known

about your back crackin'
pal 'cause like,

one time he wanted to do it
when it was just the two of ya.

You'd f*ck a catcher's
mitt at the moment

is not the answer the
dude at the sex shop

was expecting when he asked
ya how you were doing.

Yeah say what you
want about CIS teens,

they'll build you a
great f*ck' chapel.

It's not entirely true
to say you got catfished,

but the girl did have
a forehead so big,

she could light a
dart in the shower.

Your dog ripped a fart so thick,

you could hang an
axe in the air after.

You don't have a lady in your
life but you do have a pal

who blows on his
food to cool it down,

so tomato-tomahto.

Boy you sure catch a lot of
heat for your farmer's tan

but have yous never seen a
roofer's tan, like, holy f*ck.

Your gal wants to
start an OnlyFans page,

but even Netflix is losing subs

and she can't
compete with Ozark.

Whole world's all if's
and but's at the moment.

But if if's and but's
were candy and nuts

you'd have nuts where
your butts were before.

♪

Youse guys!

ALL: What?

Look at this.

- Christ in heaven.
- What?

- Look at this.
- Sweet Lord Almighty.

- What?
- Look at this.

Um...

Wee bit of trouble
reading then, eh, bud?

What's it say?!

Collect yourselves.

This could very easily
spirals into hysterics,

if we's don't
practice stoicisms.

What's it say.

Tell us what chip is the
best chip of all time!

And these guys will let you
design your own flavour of chip!

- [Crowd chattering]
- We alls knews this was coming.

Well, all the signs were there.

Wait! What are the rules?

Yes.

Oh, wee bit of a hard time
readin' then, eh, bud?

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

"Only classic Canadian flavours,

"consisting of two or less
ingredients shall be considered.

"Plain, salt & vinegar, BBQ,

sour cream & onion,
dill pickle... ketchup."

Better not forget those
f*ck' all-dressed chips.

Wayne, all-dressed consists
of more than two ingredients.

So nows, we're shaming
chips for being too dressed?

I'm used to shaming them for
not being dressed enough.

Stewart.

"All-Dressed chips
shall be excluded!"

- [Gasps from patrons]
- MAN: Get outta here!

For obvious reasons, Wayne.

Excluding the chip
doesn't stop it from being

the greatest chip
of all time, Dary.

Wayne, this is no time for
pride. It's bedlam out here.

No one loves chips
like small towns.

Not one other tribe,
nor person, nor posse.

Yeah. Offices have
their water coolers.

And small towns have
their chip bowls.

It's a place where
friendships are built

and good news is shared.

Those waters runs deeps.

Six generations strong.

The American Revolutionarys
Wars was in no smalls parts due

to Great Britain's
calling chips crisps.

What do you think our
ancestors snacked on

up the underground railroad?

Everybody knows, the w*r of 1812
was the north versus the south,

but what the people on
the front lines knew,

it was crinkle cut
versus classic cut.

Manifest destiny wasn't even a
thing until Yanks caught wind

of us f*ck' around with
exotic flavours up here.

Youse beens awful quiets
through all this, Waynes.

I'm so fired up right now,

I've got sweat rollin'
down the small of my back

and into my a*s crack.

It's emotional.

But someone's gotta stay
focused through the fuss.

Someone's gotta lead.

- I nominate Stewart!
- I nominate anyone else.

What are we gonna do, Wayne?

Only thing we can do.

Have a fishbowl discussion.

Come on now.

[Grunting]

Pretty short shorts for someone
that calls himself a man.

You're paying a lot of
attention to my shorts

for someone who calls
himself straight.

Time to take a good
look in the mirror, bud.

That's exactly what I thought.

What is this sorcery, boys.

Look at this hocus-pocus.

New program, boys. We
wanna look like porn stars.

We're gonna look
like porn stars.

- You already kinda do.
- You already kinda do.

Really though, you
already kinda do.

- You already kinda do.
- What are we even doing here?

Seriously though,
youse already kinda do.

BOTH: Thank you, Glen.

Oh, that was confusing.
That was not a compliment.

Because you look like
straight male porn stars.

- Pardon?
- Well, you know,

like a Shane Diesel,
or a Sean Lawless.

Or Johnny Sins?

Jordi el Nino Polla or
Juan El Caballo Loco.

- Gizmo Osmond?
- Maybe even him.

Wait, I'm sorry, Glen,

but a porn star is a
porn star is a porn star.

[Snort laughing]
Not when it comes

to the flawless male
physique, it t'ain't.

He's right. Gays
hold it down there.

Yeah. We can't argue that.

Like a little Johnny Rapid?
A little Buck Richards?

Sure, like a little Pierce
Paris, or a little JJ Knight.

A little Max Arion?

A little Liam Cyber?

Yeah, a little Calvin Banks.

Li'l Beaux Banks.
Li'l Boomer Banks.

A little Max from Corbin Fisher?

A little Dean from Seancody?

A little c*ck Boys?

Yeah, a little
Guys In Sweatpants.

Li'l Helix. Li'l Bel Ami.

Hey, Glen?

Oh, Hockey, I forgot about you.

How do you know so much
about g*y, male porn stars?

Pourquoi?

It's just that we know why
Ron and Dax know so much

about g*y, male porn stars.

'Cause we're h*m*?

Not sure that's PC but you said.

g*y as the day is long.

All new levels of g*y.

Straight up the a*s.

But for you to know so much
about g*y porn stars...

g*y... g*y male porn stars.

Yes, for you to know so much
about g*y, male porn stars,

it would suggest...

Uh, that I've done my
research? [Laughing]

Jonesy, I'm not sure if
this is your first time

throwing some weights around,
but in the fitness community,

we have something called goals.

We also have a little
thing called fitspo.

So, what I like to
do is I set my goals,

I gather up my fitspo,
and then I go about

trying to achieve my goals.

Par example...

This... is my fitspo. Okay?

So, my goal...

is the whole...

aesthetic.

Okay? My goal...

is to look... like this.

Or maybe even a
little bit like this.

Or, if I'm lucky I get
to and/or look like this.

- Okay, Glen.
- We got it, buddy.

So, if everything's clear,

you guys can just
skedaddle on out of here

and I can get back to my
goal of looking like this!

BOTH: O-kay.

We'll take it from here, fellas.

How do we feel
about Austin Wilde?

Well, he's no Christian Wilde.

No he is not.

[Crowd chattering]

Simmer down.

In order to arrive
at the conclusion

of what the best chip ever is...

in an effort to be able
to design our own chip...

we will now begin a
closed fishbowl discussion

on the matter,

and let the chips
fall as they may.

Wayne.

You wanna know
what, here I go now.

I just want to start by
saying thanks to Gail

for acting as today's moderator,

also, for assuming
the responsibility

of booking us the Ukrainian
Hall for today's event.

[Applauding]

Thank you, Gail.

'Kay.

Rules for today's fishbowl
discussion are simple.

I'll introduce flavours
of chip one by one.

Peer discussion inside
the fishbowl will begin.

I, and only I, have the power
to move on to the next flavour

of chip.

In conclusion of today's
fishbowl discussion,

the best chip of all time
will be determined via vote

by show of hands.

We begin.

Plain.

[Croup mumbling,
talking over each other]

I... I submit:

that chip could be called
plain... or regular.

How would youse like it if
someone called youse regulars?

- I would love that!
- [Laughing]

I mean, to be called regular
ol' Letterkenny folk...

Anyhoo!

I'm not trying to take
anything away from the chip.

- He's really not.
- I hopes not.

I would also offer, calling
the chip plain is misleading,

on account of the light drizzle
of salt adorning the chip.

Put that light drizzle
of salt up against

any other flavour of chip
for me real quick and,

I mean, I think we're
good to move this along.

There isn't one person here
who'd take the plain chip.

All I'll say.

I actually know a
few people who would

and I'm not going to name
names, but I ain't one of 'em.

- I am.
- [Gasping]

Dary.

And I'll say this...

you can call it regular,

but I call it classic!

[Uproar from the crowd]

GAIL: Let him speak!
Let the man speak!

It doesn't need to go there.

It never needs to go there.

Youse may want your chips all
dolled up and camera ready...

I just want a chip to
sit on the sofa with...

catch a flick...

sh**t the breeze.

- But...
- But...

- But...
- But f*ck it!

ROALD: [Quietly] Yes.

Could be the first
chip I ever had.

And I'm not gonna
turn my back on it.

'Cause it's never
turned its back on me.

Waynes? Youse been awful
quiets through all this.

Dary, I know you go back a
long way back with the chip.

- So do you.
- So do I.

But I look over at
you here, and... like,

how soon we forget, old friend,

all those sleepovers,
kindergarten through Grade 2,

you and me used to add a couple
things into a bag of plain chips

in an effort to... make
our own homemade chip.

Dary, why don't
you tell the group

what those two things were.

- Salt and vinegar.
- [Gasping]

What?

I'm gonna take some air.

[Door opening and closing]

With the salt and
vinegar seed planted,

we will gracefully and
with composure segue

into salt and vinnies.

- [All talking over each other]
- Damn good chip.

That chip won't
be pushed around.

Why do you think Doritos
never f*cked with it?

Corn chips have no place here!

- Still an underdog.
- Always beens an underdogs.

It's enough to give
anyones an attitudes.

It's a versatile chip.

Expand on that please, Rosie.

Throw it in with some
popcorn or pretzels.

Pretzels, pretzel sticks...

- DARYL: Peanut M&M's.
- [Gasping]

DAN: He's back.

[Crowd whispering]

It plays by the rules.

Doesn't try to
steal the spotlight.

It's a respectful chip.

Shall I just say what
everyone's thinking?

- Stewart.
- Roald.

If you're goings where
I thinks you're goings,

I suggests you
holds your tongue.

In fact, I strongly suggests it.

Stewart. Proceed.

That chip is... inconsistent.

- [Gasping]
- You son of a b*tch!

I have relied on that
chips my whole life.

Which chip, Dan?

You never know which
one you're getting!

And that's the problem.

You're pulling out one

that's maybe a little
too salt and vinegary.

Next thing you know,

you've got one that's not
very salt and vinegary at all.

Gails, I sense an
edge of confrontations

in the gentleman's tone.

One's got enough salt and
vinegar to prune your lips

for the better part of 48 hours,

and the next one
may as well be...

- Don't you dare.
- Regular.

- Prepare to meet your maker!
- WAYNE: Dan!

Why don't you take some air.

[Gentle patting]

I thinks I will take some airs.

[Stewart chuckling]

[Squealing]

[Door opening closing]

BBQ!

[Chattering]

WOMAN: The name itself.

Hey, Glen.

Hey, Glenski.

Bert, Ernie.

We just wanted to say, like,
um, sorry if we were kinda weird

earlier when you were
able to list the names

of so many g*y, male porn stars.

Yes and again when you had
a g*y, male porno magazine

on your person.

You know, I don't know how what
a person has on their person

is any of your concern!

Exactly! Exactly.

What a person keeps
on their person

is none of anybody's
business, or what they do

in the privacy of
their own home.

Yes, I mean a
person's preferences

is none of anybody's business.

So, you do yo, bro.

[Snort laughing]

Do you mean to tell me,

that you've never been watching
a porn and said to yourself,

huh, my gourd, that
man or young adult

or young adult
portraying an adolescent

or actual adolescent
portraying a step-son

has an extraordinary physique?

No.

All porn stars are
pretty shredded,

so they're pretty
much interchangeable

after a certain point.

I pretty much don't even
notice the dude anymore.

Exactly! I don't
even notice the girl!

Although, I'll take pause

to acknowledge a
nice wrench though.

Yes, if he has a massive wrench,

you've gotta pause
for a stick tap.

Gentlemen, we're
on the same page,

we're speaking
the same language,

we're driving the
same direction.

So, what I'm saying is the
next time you're looking

for shredded dudes for
your fitspo, maybe think

about switching up your porn
searches a little wee bit.

It's good to mix it up, boys.

- Great to mix it up.
- You gotta mix it up.

Well, let's mix it up.

What are we even
f*ck' doin' here?

What is wrong with searching...

"massive c*ck drills tiny hole,"
huh? What's wrong with it.

Nothin', buddy!

Then what's wrong
with searching...

"two massive c*ck
drill tiny hole," huh?

What's wrong with it?

Not a thing in the world, bro.

Okay, well then,
what's wrong with

searching "two handsome,
muscular men with massive c*ck

not touching each
other or anything,

but definitely no girls," huh?

- What's wrong with it.
- Nah... Nah... Nothing

What's wrong with searching
"two handsome, muscular men

"with massive c*ck goin'
all the way with each other

with no one else around,"
huh? What's wrong with it?!

- Glen...
- Glen are you...

What?

Always on the lookout
for long-lasting,

relentless, repetitive,

high-intensity,

ads-free fitspo?!

You're GD right I am!

- Okay, Glen.
- Okay, Glen.

[Exhaling] Working
out gets me real...

real pumped up, real aggressive.

I mean, what is wrong

with getting your prostate
checked a couple times a week

by someone who is
not a doctor, huh?

What's wrong with it?

[Door opening and closing]

Dill pickle.

- [Chattering]
- Glad I came back for this one.

Good chip.

About time this thing
started heatin' up.

Dill pickle Pringles.
How 'bow 'dah?

How 'bout that's not a chip.

Stewart?

It is a Pringle,
it's not a chip.

I think you're thinking "It's
not a chip, it's a cr*cker."

I think you're thinking "It's
not a cr*cker, it's a Crispers."

It's part chip, part
cr*cker, all snack.

He's right.

Pringles didn't have the same
advantages as other chip.

[Scoffing] Pringles have more
advantages than other chip

for the packaging alone.

Tube of chips
versus bag of chips.

Sounds like Pringles
might be in your pocket.

Follow the moneys.

Pringles didn't have
the same advantages

as other chip and
still did just fine.

They did more than fine.

Pringles packaging brings a
whole new element to the chip.

No doubt.

Let's the chip show you a
whole different side of itself.

But Rosie, let me ask you,
might that be called privilege?

- It might.
- Oh?

Or it mightn't.

Well, might it or mightn't it?

No one can argue it's a chip
that knows exactly who it is.

Pretty easy for a chip
that's had everything

handed to it its whole life.

But it doesn't carry itself
that way. That matters here!

ROALD: Pringles just think
they're better than other chip,

what with being all
un-cracked and the same shape.

You could argue they're setting
an unrealistic standards

for chips everywhere.

The topic is dill pickle.

You ever seen a family-sized
pack of Pringles?

No. 'Cause they don't get
the same opportunities

as other chip. Never did.

They excluded themselves
from that conversation!

- Oh!
- Oh, but since you asked,

Rosie, oh, what do you
think a family-sized pack

of... of Pringles looks like?

Three tubes stacked
on top of each other?

I was thinking three tubes
pressed side by side.

You've got two parents,
two to three kids

and maybe a dog in
the family sedan,

you really think there's
any room for those options.

- [Crowd gasping]
- [Laughing]

Pringles are used to
being left behind.

I'll take some air.

Rosie...

[Door opens and closes]

The topic is dill pickle.

Youse been awfully quiets
through all this, Waynes.

DARYL: So have you, Katy-Kat.

WAYNE: [Quietly]
should say something?

KATY: [Quietly] I think
you should say something.

WAYNE: [Quietly] Think I'd
like you to say something.

KATY: [Quietly] I think
you should take it.

- WAYNE: [Quietly] You sure?
- Take it.

WAYNE: Okay.

We've always been able to rely
on the family farm, you see.

A number of years back,
we had a rough patch...

agriculturally.

Difficult times.

Lot of 'uncertainteh'.

Katy had to get a job in town
to help us make ends meet.

And every night I'd
drive into town there,

pick her up 'cause...

well, that's the
least I could do.

Hell I'll admit
it, I was hurtin'.

I was hurtin' real bad.

It was a time when a lot of
men would lose themselves.

But what got me through it
was the pride of knowin'

that every night when she'd
go in town there for work,

she'd know exactly who
was comin' to pick her up

eight hours later.

That's me and bag a
bag of dill picklers.

[Katy exhaling]

Gonna take some air.

I'd take a wee bit of air, too.

[Door opening and closing]

It's a good time... for
all of us to take some air.

[Crowd chattering]

- [Weights clanking]
- [Grunting]

- Glen.
- Glenski.

Hall, Oates.

We just wanted

to make this crystal
clear here, boys.

We weren't scrambling
because anybody's g*y.

- We're g*y.
- g*y as the day is long.

- All new levels of g*y.
- Straight up the a*s.

- Which is good.
- Which is great.

I mean, it's great,
whatever you're doing,

it's great.

It's all great.

So, even if you were... g*y...

JONESY: Or are g*y.

Were g*y, are g*y,
plan to be g*y...

whatever it is...

- It's all good.
- It's all great.

I mean, it's great.

Whatever you're
doing, it's great.

W... we were just wondering...

Glen...

You know, we've been
pals for a long time.

And we were just wondering...

We've been pals long enough
for... you can tell us

if we're out of line too!
Like you... just go for it!

Okay, but from one
pal to another,

are you...

I was.

You were?

I am.

You are?

And I plan to be!

The most fitspired fella in
this whole fitness forum!

Who is with me?

It's none of our
business, buddy.

Can't know everything, bro.

BOTH: We're with you.

Oh! Good.

'Cause it's hard
to stay fitspired.

I need good fitspo.

- You betcha, buddy.
- We're here to help, bro.

Even if it means searching:
massive c*ck drills tiny hole?

- Sure, buddy.
- Even if it means searching:

two massive c*ck
drill tiny hole?

- Whatever it takes, buddy.
- Even if it means searching:

two very handsome, muscular
men with massive c*ck

who aren't touching each other,

but there's definitely
no girls around?

I can help with that one, buddy.

Even if it means searching:
"two handsome, muscular men

with massive c*ck just going
all the way with each other,

while the rest of their
fraternity brothers

cheer them on and drink beer?

That's right in my
wheelhouse, buddy.

Oh! Good, good,
good. Good! Good!

Now...

which of you non-doctors feels
like giving me a prostate exam?

Sour cream and onion!

[Crowd grumbling]

You mean sour cream
and untouchable?

Sour cream and unacceptable.

Well, they're sour cream
and underappreciated.

Sour cream and undeserving.

Pfft. If you're sour
cream and unintelligent.

Katy!

That was sour cream
and unnecessary.

This whole things is getting
sour creams and uncomfortables.

Ketchup!

[Crowd grows louder]

Good chip!

Gails, you gots to gets
control of the situation.

They're gone, Dan!
I've lost them!

- Wayne, help her!
- What?

This is the chip I've
been waiting for!

This is my moment!

Stewart!

Katy, get under your chair!

What? Dary, you get
under the chair...

All is lost!

- [Crowd yelling]
- All is lost!

ROSIE: Did you say something?

I can't hear what you're saying.

- [Door opening]
- [Crowd goes silent]

[Door closing]

[Blitzen Trapper "The Tree"]

♪ When your love rains down,
just like diamonds all around ♪

♪ A strange and
changing sound ♪

♪ A transformation
in the ground ♪

♪ The great and winding tree ♪

♪ Splits the Earth
from sea to sea ♪

♪ And my lover comes to me ♪

♪ Bids me follow endlessly ♪

♪ As she laughs and
starts to climb ♪

♪ Through the branches
and the binds ♪

♪ Through the tangle
of our minds, ♪

♪ For this tree, you see,
it grows, never ending... ♪

Why are youse all
here and not the bar?

All-Dressed.

That's the chip.
It is THE chip.

I mean, it really is
the best of the best.

I mean, what are we
talking about here?

It's a mix of
barbecues, ketchups,

sour creams & onions,
and salts & vinegars.

There's a little bit of
all of us in that chip.

It was right there in front
of us this whole time.

Couldn't see the
forest for the trees.

Nothing regular about it.

There's no dill pickle in there.

Dill pickle will always
have a place in our hearts.

What is going on here?

The rules clearly state:

All-Dressed shall be excluded.

For obvious reasons, Wayne.

Well, Dary...

excluding the chip
doesn't stop it

from being the greatest
chip of all time.

Got that right, good buddy.

It's the Brets Harts of
chips. The best there is.

The best there was. The
best there ever wills bes.

This fishbowl discussion
will now be closed.

There will be no vote
via show of hands

as the conclusion for
the best chip of all time

has been drawn,

pursuit of designing
our own flavour of chip

will also conclude.

Yeah, but the chip we'd
design, it... it'd be like,

a Caesar flavoured chip,

like a Bloody Mary
flavoured chip.

I think that that'd
be the winner.

You know, I think we'd
all agree on that.

Everyone knows it.

I mean, a chip that tastes
like Caesars? Slam dunk.

- [All agreeing]
- WAYNE: You can't lose.

All-Dressed though...

[Chuckling]

Got everything in a chip
you want right there.

Friendship. Feels good.

Friend-chip? [Laughing]

Yo.

What the actual f*ck
is going on here.

[Glasvegas "Geraldine"]

♪

♪ When your sparkle
evades your soul ♪

♪ I'll be at your
side to console ♪

♪ When you're standing
on the window ledge ♪

♪ I'll talk you back,
back from the edge ♪

♪ I will turn, I
will turn your tide ♪

♪ Be your shepherd, I
swear I'll be your guide ♪

♪ When you're lost in the deep
and darkest place around ♪

♪ May my words walk you
home safe and sound ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪