Black Hole, The (2024)

[bunniefuu]

A LIFE WORTH LIVING

What are your plans while

you are here in Estonia?

We are going to a spa tomorrow,

aren't we, dear?

(in Finnish) They have...

what do you call it?

(in Finnish) Beauticians,

hairdressers, pedicures.

Yes. We're going to get massages

and go to the dentist too.

And then we head back home

to Helsinki to work.

Ask her.

Yes, Salme... we were wondering...

maybe there is a chance...

Maybe Juho needs more

workers at his laundromat?

(in Finnish) Juho, darling,

do you need extra workers?

(in Finnish) Maret and Sirje

would like to come work in Helsinki.

(in Finnish) No, I don't. We just

got in new workers from Ukraine.

Not at the moment, unfortunately.

Some Ukrainians just came.

We're just asking.

- Yes, just in case.

Did you see Salme's teeth?

Her mouth is full of pearls.

- And that crystal...

I don't even know if I could

ever afford the dentist.

If I could,

I'd go to Finland in a second.

Reet from the sausage factory

her daughter is working

two jobs in Finland.

She's a waitress and a stripper.

Well, if you're young and you have

something to show off, why not.

Sure, why not.

I wish I could go to a spa.

Have you ever been? I haven't.

It's a disaster how little

working people earn in Estonia.

Salaries are one thing,

but they have pensions in Finland.

And now there are the Ukrainians too.

What can you do?

Sirje!

Jesus!

- Excuse me.

Villem! What is it?

Sorry I startled you.

I happened to hear your discussion.

So what?

- I have an offer for you.

A Finn is looking for Estonian ladies

to work in his cleaning company.

I can introduce you.

And it's that easy.

Now it's your turn.

Put your hands as wide

as is comfortable for you.

Go down as low as you can,

but keep a 90 degree angle here.

Let's go! One, two, and up!

Start with 25, then we'll see.

How is it going? Good. Heels down.

That's it! Good job, Paul.

Try harder!

Are you men or macaroni?

Do you need help?

I'm ugly.

I'm just so terribly ugly.

Calm down. It's okay.

Come now, stand up.

It's alright.

They were totally drunk when

I got home from the gym.

That Piret was there too.

Then Peeter said that if my fat a*s

didn't like it, I should get out.

That's what he said.

I guess it's not the first time

he's hurt you?

He was drunk.

I should have just left.

Hey! Listen!

You can forget about Peeter.

You can stay here

as long as you need.

Thanks.

Uma?

Uma?

I heard weird noises.

What kind of noises?

- I don't know.

In the kitchen.

There's no one here but us.

Can I stay here next to you?

I'm scared.

Sure.

I'm sorry for waking you up, Uma.

- It's okay.

You're so good to me.

I almost don't

believe that you exist.

Here, put some color on.

- You think?

You have to, if you

want to get the job.

I know what men like.

Hey Villem, how much is the Finn

going to pay us per day?

He's paying a lot.

How many other Estonians

are there? - A few.

Any other nationalities there?

- Yes, there are.

He has no pants on.

Stop! Stop the car!

You pervert!

- Disgusting! You nasty man!

I'm going to tell the police.

I'm going to tell

everybody in our building.

I'm not going to wait.

I can't take another step.

- I'm going.

I am Kri-in-Poulsen

from the Andromeda Nebula.

I want to offer you a job

for a very good rate.

You are all perverts,

that's who you are.

A thousand euros a day, in cash.

What would I have to do?

You don't have to do anything.

Just lie there calmly.

Dream on!

I'm a member of a research group

interested in post-middle age

female h*m* sapiens

currently inhabiting

the Milky Way galaxy.

Your contribution to science would be

invaluable for our research group.

When would the work start?

Right away.

How do you feel, Mrs. Sirje?

I don't know... good.

We will now remove

your internal organs.

This process is completely painless.

And might even be pleasant

for the h*m* sapiens.

Now relax.

How is it possible that I'm alive

without my heart?

That is the secret of Andromeda.

What is that smell, orange oil?

It's my favorite.

Really?

Mine too.

You really are the best.

Women are always the best.

In the bath and in bed too.

It's been proven scientifically.

Women have a 65 percent

chance of orgasm with men

but more than 80 percent

chance with other women.

Really?

Thank you Mrs. Sirje

for this invaluable work.

We will see you tomorrow.

I have a question...

Can I bring my friend Maret

with me next time?

It would be more fun together.

She also has a very

interesting organism.

Alright. We will see

you tomorrow at one.

Those aliens are even

stupider than the Finns.

You have to take money

away from the idiots.

Maret! Maret, look!

Just like Salme's.

They seem stretchy enough.

These are good.

Give me two pairs.

Maret, this is a gift for you.

By tonight, you'll be so rich

you can make money soup if you want.

A few more years,

and I'll be up there too.

You can do anything

you set your mind to.

My muscles just won't grow.

I have my mother's fat

gene so I'll be a lard a*s.

Oh, come on!

You are totally fine.

Peeter certainly didn't think so.

I think you're a very

beautiful person.

Women would have so few

complexes and traumas without men.

Even all the wars

were started by men.

Did you know that every year,

more women die from domestic abuse

than people do in traffic?

Women should rule the world.

Why do we even need men at all?

Well, for sperm donors.

Yeah, you're right.

Damn!

Jesus! Did you see that?

- What is it?

I think I saw a spider.

A huge one. - Where?

There, near the

kitchen, it was huge.

Like this big.

Did you really see a spider?

Of course! I didn't make it up!

It really looked like a spider!

And it was huge!

God, you are afraid of spiders too?

Me?

I'm not afraid of anything or anyone.

Watch your head!

I promise to protect you

from all the dangers in the world.

Be it w*r, violent men or spiders.

Hold on.

"Teddy bear was a bad boy

and is very sorry."

"He's waiting for his kitten

to return home."

Who was it?

Work. They asked about my next shift.

Look, that should

be our planet Earth.

It looks so small and insignificant.

From up here, people

seem so pointless.

Nice. It's really nice here.

Much nicer than any spa on the Earth.

Salme would turn greener than that

shrimp behind me if

she saw see us now.

Salme couldn't dream

of a paradise like this.

My back is itching.

- Well scratch It then.

With what? I have no arms.

- Oh, right.

Hey! Could you scratch my back?

He looks so slimy

but his tentacles are so velvety.

Hey, you, green slug.

Come rub me too.

They really know how to massage

but I do not know if I could

share a bed with him.

You don't have to.

It's important they have a good heart

and pay us a thousand euros each.

Sirje, I only have one dream.

That I marry a foreigner.

So I don't ever have to go back home

to all that dirt, envy, and darkness.

No point in marrying Estonian men.

They are all whimps.

Sirje, maybe we could marry

one of these shrimps?

Like Salme I wondered how she

could live with a fat, bald man.

But she can.

If I could choose one of them,

I would take Kri-in-Poulsen.

He has the most muscular tentacles

and he's masculine,

like some state leader or something.

Yes, he's muscular.

But I'm not sure if I could kiss him.

Sirje, you are the most beautiful

and the best human being in world.

Maret, let's just enjoy it!

And everything starts all over again!

Good morning.

Hi.

- Here you go.

Thanks.

What was that?

Uma, what is that?

Don't tell me it's that spider.

I got it. I threw it out.

You are my hero.

You are just so brave.

Today we will analyze your bite.

Oh geez...

Don't worry, we're just

going to take all your teeth out

and then put them back in again.

What if...

What if you keep my teeth

for your studies

and give me new ones instead?

White and strong ones.

That would be a wonderful

donation to our research.

But can you also put

a crystal on each tooth?

And make each

crystal a different color?

We can try.

I am not some dish rag

to be squeezed around.

We agreed that I just lie there.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Sirje.

I will pay you double

for the hardship.

Get some rest.

Tomorrow is a very important day.

We're going to start

studying your brains.

We were wondering

how big are the

pensions in your nebula?

Why do you want to know that?

Well, we were thinking

we'd move up there with you.

That we'd get out of here for good.

You? But you are h*m* sapiens?

Yes, h*m* sapiens.

So what?

It's not possible for you

to move to Andromeda.

Why is that?

In the civilized world

all people are paid pensions.

In Finland, migrants

immediately get a living permit

if they are in the

country long enough.

I understand your interest

and much appreciate your

contribution, dear ladies

but you have to understand that

Andromeda is a higher civilization.

You are our test objects.

We are not some rats or rabbits!

Look at yourself. You have

slime dripping out of every hole.

Intelligent, huh?

You're just a pile of rotten jelly!

I wouldn't even cook a creature

like you, you make me sick.

You hear me?

The contract is up!

You jerks!

Get back to your slime!

Go find some other idiots to probe!

Brand new teeth and four thousand

euros, that's worth something too.

I just don't want to go back

to the sausage factory.

What choice do you have?

Why are you saying that?

- It's all your fault.

You ruined our chances at a life.

Just think how much more we could

have earned from those slime ba*ls.

Sirje, how am I to blame?

You wanted a pension

and citizenship too.

You started it with your

foreign husband talk.

When you get in the bath at home,

take a look in the mirror.

Mouth full of colored rocks.

Who will want you like this?

The slime ba*ls didn't want you

and no human will either.

The sausage factory is the

only place for you.

It would look nice.

It's the same color.

You can try it too.

- No.

Why?

- Show me how it works.

See, it even works from here.

Mariliis!

Wait, Mariliis!

Let me go.

Calm down!

Listen to me, Mariliis.

Wait!

Come here!

What's happening?

What is going on?

They will write their

own testimonies.

Get MacGyver.

Mardo Laradze, this one's for you.

Move on.

Show me again, calmly

how big was this spider of yours?

I see.

Now, take me to your spider, ladies!

You can stay here

and listen to the radio.

The ability to believe

and to forget is lost.

Your beautiful voice

and bare words in your mouth,

Your lips and eyes are like autumn.

Who will make the bed

for the snowberries?

In whose eyes will you see

the blanket of frost.

Around you, only dreams

and wind are left...

You no longer have

anything to fear, ladies.

Now go back and continue

your young lives where you left off.

You can decide for yourself

what to do with that creature.

A rare specimen, that's for sure.

It's dead.

Uma!

Where are you going?

- None of your business.

Wait...

- Let me go!

I will throw it out now, I promise...

- You lied to me.

Mariliis, please.

- Stop it!

I am sorry.

I shouldn't have lied to you.

I was scared.

I'm really scared of spiders.

I'm afraid of

I am scared of everything.

Coward!

Police have received

several reports of such creatures,

but they are actually

very sweet animals

who just need human company.

They love to eat.

A lot actually.

This one's quite small.

It's starting to eat...

Hello! - Maret, listen,

get ready, quickly.

We're leaving for Sweden.

We're being offered work as nannies.

When are you going?

Right now. Together.

I'll be there in five minutes.

Together?

Sirje, you told me...

That was a joke, I didn't mean it.

You are my best friend.

Well, alright... let's go.

Hey there.

Unexpected meeting, huh?

Listen.

Well, what do we have here?

I'm looking for you

all over the city and

you're f*cking around

with some random sl*t?

Peeter, calm down... I can explain.

- No need. I get it.

You f*cking lesbo! You purple b*tch.

f*cking hell!

I will pound you so hard that

even the ugliest c**t won't

look at you any more.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Jri... f*cking hell...

All three of you f*cking one girl?

You d*ck f*ck aren't going to tell

me who I can f*ck and who I can't!

You're the d*ck f*ck.

Wife beater!

Peeter, stop it!

Please stop.

Cops.

Get your a*s up.

Let's go home.

Hey!

What are you whining about?

What's wrong?

Don't you get that I love you?

These b*tches f*cking make me sick.

I f*cking don't get it.

Are you very hurt?

Jri.

Mariliis.

THE MYSTERY OF THE WOODEN SHOE

It's disgusting when a woman has

fat hooks hanging over her pants.

I told Mariliis to go to the gym.

It makes me sick to my stomach

to f*ck a fat a*s like that.

I mean really...

you can't live like that.

Yeah, a woman should be so small

my arm can reach around her

or I'll dump her fat a*s.

f*cking wrong wrench.

And if she doesn't listen,

she needs a good smack.

After that it's nice

and quiet for a while.

Dude, I banged two broads

at the same time this weekend.

Two at once?

You got two dicks or something?

Laugh all you want, but

you'd cry if you saw those t*ts.

f*ck, all four were bouncing

like basketballs.

Jrr, how was your weekend?

How many wh*res did you bang?

Jrr has never had a woman.

You don't have women, you take them.

Jrrr, maybe you're just a f*g?

I have some bad news.

I have to let you go.

What do you mean?

- It's not about you at all.

You're a good man but times are slow.

I need to cut costs.

Prices are going up and it's a mess.

But why me?

They all have families and children.

Peeter's separated, but still.

They'd take it harder,

you're a bachelor.

You'll find something else.

They're always looking

for construction crew in Finland.

You'll make it.

This rare conjunction

of planets announces

the arrival of the long-awaited

Age of Aquarius.

Your foot.

Our current values and conceptions

of how the world works

are being tested by Saturn.

The Earth's Stargates are open

thanks to this special conjunction.

It's possible that

extraterrestrial civilizations

will try to make contact with you,

or that our common sense will

experience something inexplicable.

Young man, you must be

from apartment 88?

I am.

I am your new neighbor, Wolfgang

from Austria. Just call me Wolf.

Jri.

Do you live alone or with family?

I live with my mom...

- Your mother is retired?

Retired and also works

part-time at the news stand.

Listen, Jri, I sell top quality

Austrian vacuum

cleaners door to door.

Maybe you are interested?

Well... you'd have to ask my mom.

Well, if you don't mind, I will stop

by later to present

the machine to you.

Unbelievable!

Dear Ilmi, don't despair.

You're not lazy, your vacuum

just isn't powerful enough.

Do you know who these are?

Some kind of bugs.

- Good job, Jri!

These are dust mites

and they make dust.

These horrible

creatures are everywhere.

In your pillows and blankets,

in your sheets and in your clothes.

You can't get rid of them

with a regular vacuum.

I wonder what

something like that costs?

12,000 euros with a payment plan.

10,000 if you pay cash up front.

My goodness!

Isn't that too much for a vacuum?

This machine will last a lifetime.

And your children's lifetime. And

their children's.

If you ever have any.

Austrian technology never gets old.

Young man, you take it.

And you, Ilmi, turn your back.

Put the nozzle against her.

Keep moving it around.

Go on, very good.

Make circles, write number eight.

How does it feel, Ilmi?

- That's nice. Really good!

Alright, that's enough.

This small nozzle works

great for massaging

your mother's tired back after work.

But that's not all.

Can you smell that?

Liebe die Wlder von Vienna.

Love in a Viennese Forest.

Jri! This will pay for itself

if even the grandchildren can use it.

I can pay in cash right away.

- That would be swell!

Mom, you have a vacuum cleaner.

You were saving up for a trip.

You know what, Wolf.

This is a very big purchase.

We need to think about it.

And it's getting late.

Alright. Up to you.

May I use your toilet?

Very interesting apartment.

This must be Jri's room?

No, this is my room.

Jri sleeps on the living room couch.

The place needs work.

After Heldur's death,

everything has started to decay.

That's what machines are for.

My Supermax is at least

half as good as Heldur.

Gute Nacht.

Have beautiful dreams.

He was suspicious.

- Gute Nacht!

Jri! Jri!

It has been discovered

that there are

enormous black holes

in the middle of most galaxies.

The gravitational field

is so strong that

it absorbs even the

smallest particles of light.

We can only imagine

what kinds of findings

the new James Webb

Telescope will bring us.

More recent theories of quantum

physics already claim

that black holes can be used to move

between other

dimensions or space-time.

This is actually very old knowledge.

There is definite proof that

a portal like the black hole

was located on the

Pyramids of Cheops in Egypt.

There have been recent

accounts of creatures

that are able to move between

different realities

at certain astronomical instances.

The criminals are targeting people

who keep large sums of money at home.

We ask everyone to be vigilant

and to report any suspicious

behavior to the police.

And keep your money in the bank,

not in a suitcase under your bed.

The banks are a bunch of crooks.

It's so nice to watch your child eat.

Eat, eat, it's hard

work looking for a job.

Here's some pocket

money for you. - Thanks.

I'm off to work.

How much can I get for these?

Who do you like

blondes, red heads or brunettes?

I used to only look at blondes

but then I married a brunette.

And, honestly, I have no regrets.

That's 15 euros.

- For all of them?

They aren't timeless yet.

If you find anything else like this,

you can always come to me.

Thanks.

What...?!

f*ck!

Where are you off to this early?

- For my trial day.

Where?

- I'll tell you later.

Wait, I haven't even

made your porridge yet.

I'm not hungry.

Good morning. I am Jri Randla,

population census taker.

Do you have time for a few words?

Come in.

Take a seat.

Sugar?

- No.

Shall we begin?

- Yes.

Your name?

- Gertrud. Gertrud Zahir.

Occupation?

- Housewife.

Who else lives here besides you?

My husband Zahir Zahir.

He's a businessman.

Any shared children?

- No.

Are you okay? You look terrible.

- It's hot in here.

I'll open the balcony door.

Do you want some cold water?

Gertrud.

One sec.

Jri! Jri!

What are you doing here so long?

There was... a black hole down there.

A black hole?

I'm your black hole.

Come on now, dessert is waiting.

Jri!

Yes, Gertrud here.

Hi, this is Jri Randla.

Do you recognize me?

Yes, of course, census taker Jri.

Put this on, it's cold.

And the potatoes are almost ready.

Excuse me, but I have

a few more questions to ask.

Well?

- I mean... is it...

...is it alright if I come

to see you again, Gertrud?

Drink this, it's good for you. I'm

not even going to offer you food.

Later. I need to rest.

I can see that something

is troubling you.

It's nothing, work is hard.

It's quite exhausting really,

being a census taker.

It hurts to see my

child in such pain.

Maybe you should marry her if

you like this woman so much?

You have to talk to women and say

I love you and please be my wife.

And take her flowers.

Be gentle and pamper her.

Women aren't psychics,

they can't read your thoughts.

Maybe she doesn't even know

how much you like her?

Your father gave this to me.

Or actually his mum. It was hers.

Now that you're leaving the nest,

you need it more than I do.

These are for you.

- How fancy!

Why are you looking at me like that?

Come in, I have a surprise for you.

See, I was expecting you.

Wild alpine meadows, yodelling

gentlemen in lederhosen from Tirol.

Coffee shops with Viennese pastries

and gypsy violins.

All this together

is a wonderful Austria,

the crown jewel of European monarchy.

Shut up if you value your life.

Where do you keep your money?

Where do you keep your money?

Do you feel the cold barrel?

In the bedroom,

under the mattress.

Oh, Jri, I like you.

But I love you, Gertrud.

I feel like I've known you forever,

long before we actually met.

Everything that is happening

between us feels like a miracle

but I can't go on like this.

I want to be with you all the time.

I want to take you to the movies

and have children with you

and to introduce you to my mother.

Will you marry me?

This is for you.

It was worn by my mother

and my grandmother.

How pretty.

But I'm already married, Jri.

Doesn't matter.

You don't love him.

I have it all figured out.

We'll run away to Finland.

I can work in construction.

I'll get very rich.

I will build us a house, or a castle.

With swimming pools

and stars in the night.

Zahir will never find us.

This relationship with you

is getting to me.

I see and hear things

that can't exist.

I hear sounds, there is a black hole

under your window.

And you are like some dream.

I want you to be real.

Say something...

- Oh, Jri, come here.

Come here... come...

Let's go for a walk.

I know a place in the city

where you can see the stars.

I can show you.

If we hurry, we can make it

before Zahir gets home.

Wait for me outside.

It'll take me a little time.

Jri.

Come kiss me.

Kiss me in a way

that I will remember.

You truly are my black hole,

and all the stars and galaxies

and the whole universe.

Hey, guys, what's up?

APPLE PIE

Don't be afraid.

Calm down.

I mean you no harm.

What do you all want with me? I'm

calling the police, I've had enough!

Don't fret. It's not good for you.

You've been hurt

and you need some peace.

Sit.

Relax.

How am I supposed to relax?

No more dreaming of Austria for me.

It really is unbelievable

what underdeveloped specimens

one can meet in your civilization.

You are so good to me!

My God!

Your tentacles are so soft!

Don't be sad, I can help you.

I am Kri-in-Poulsen

from the Andromeda Nebula.

You are very famous.

I've seen you on TV.

My goodness, you have

traveled a very long way.

Just think, all the

way from Andromeda.

And I'm sitting here and sobbing.

Please, forgive me.

You have to eat something.

You must be hungry.

And we could both use a

nice cup of peppermint tea.

No, I'm not hungry at all.

I don't believe that one bit.

It's nice to see someone eat

with a real appetite.

Oops!

Oh my!

There's apple pie too.

Made from fresh Antonovka apples.

Thank you. I would love a piece.

On Andromeda, we use powdered

micro-elements for energy.

You, Mrs. Ilmi, make very good food

with a very interesting texture.

Oh, it's nothing...

Would you be willing to join us

in the Andromeda Nebula

to teach us the art of cooking?

What? No, no...

What can an old woman

like me teach you?

There are much better cooks

on Earth than me.

You cant imagine all the trendy

dots and powders they make.

We have enough

modern things of our own.

You, Ilmi, possess the ancient

culinary wisdom that's been

passed down through generations,

which the Andromedans have forgotten.

Your food doesn't

just fill the stomach

it's packed with the energy

of pure love.

Alright then, let's go.

"Dear son, I'll come back later.

Don't worry. I'm alright."

"I had a guest and he ate your

dinner. Make yourself

something. Mom."

Inspired by the short stories

"The Spider" and "The Black Hole"

by Armin Komgi

and "A Life Worth Living"

by Andrus Kivirhk