01x10 - The Great Secret of the Universe

[bunniefuu]

Today we find our Stalwart heroes deeply

embroiled in a complete lack of horrible

peril. This complete lack of horrible

peril is making me jumpy, and you have

been acting weird, little buddy.

You will enter first, please. Are

you sure you're not an evil clone sent to

lure me into a trap?Do not be

ludicrous, James.

Surprise! Happy

birthday! You guys have made

me the happiest giant talking worm in the

world. Gorsh. Blow out the candles in

accordance with ancient earthling

tradition. Ohh

Hey, is a girl going to pop out?

Not exactly. He's the wrath

of my awesome Fat Tomic

Raygun.

There goes my modeling career.

Oh, sorry about this, my gaily colored

beach ball of rapture. Actually, this

look is very popular on my home planet.

Earthworm Jim, prepare to be

unsuited for fashionable swimwear.

You lose, fat head. No, you are

not just big boned.

This is the bestest birthday

ever. But no cake for you

guys. Who wants a

diet pop?

Earthworm Jim. The soil he did crawl.

Earthworm Jim. A super, super fall. Jim

was just a dirt, eating chewy length of

worm flesh. But all that came to a crash

again. Earthworm Jim. He's

such a groovy guy. Earthworm Jim. He

rockets through the sky, cruising through

the universe, having lots of fun. Here

comes Earthworm Jim. You know that he's a

mighty one.

Despite his great big muscles And his

really big gray g*n Jim is still an

earthworm But then he's the only one With

a super suit to make him really, super

strong Jim can be a winner if we only

sing along All right! Earthworm Jim We

think he's mighty fine Earthworm Jim A

hero for all time Earthworm,

earthworm, earthworm Earthworm Jim

Go, groovy!

On the distant planet Heck, a package is

delivered. A package which may determine

the fate of the universe.

Package for Evil the cat. Sign here,

please.

Ah, thanks.

What, boss cat?X-ray specs?

Bot of tin exercise video?Ow!

Thank you. Fool. It's the

latest delivery from the Mystic Object of

the Month Club. At last,

it is mine. The

Nameless Key.

With it, I can free from its ancient

prison the most powerful being in all

creation, the Nameless

Beast. The beast must obey whoever

holds the key. I will use its

fantastic power to destroy

the universe. How come boss

always want to destroy universe anyway?

Well, you know.

Everyone needs a hobby, right?Yes,

boss. Hint Rat enjoy macrame, for

instance. Thank you.

Now, Mystic Cauldron,

show me the location of the nameless

beast. Oh,

of course. That stupid worm's

got

it. Hello, my little spherical

friend. Behold,

snow globes. Tiny worlds trapped in

glass. It defies all logic. Such a

thing cannot be, I tell you. It cannot

be. Um, right.

I bet if we really

understood snow globes, we'd know

the great secret of the universe.

Don't be silly, Jim. They're just cheap

little souvenirs. How could they

possibly be important?

Souvenir, Inspector. I have come to check

your snow globes for

safety violations. Hey,

Jim, Evil the Cat's here in a cunning

disguise. A

minor setback.

Hello. Despite my appearance, I am not

Evil the Cat in a cunning disguise. I

have come seeking playthings for the

orphans in the orphanage

to play with. Gosh,

you've really got some nice toys here.

The poor orphans. I lost my own parents

to the footfalls of unthinking

bootwearers to this day. Are you

awake, screaming?The boots! The

horrible boots, which took from me all I

love!

Buy the orphan something nice. Like some

of them toy aerial planes. I can't

destroy the universe with this. You dare

defy, evil the cat?

I mean, oops.

A minor setback.

Gobble, gobble.

A minor setback. Maybe,

boss, try something new, huh

Ow, thank you. An excellent suggestion.

I shall attempt a fresh approach.

It's evil the cat. Give me that

snow globe over there.

You take me for a fool. Obviously,

you wouldn't ask me to do something you

really want. So, I shall cleverly

foil your plan by doing exactly as

you say.

Ha! How do you like them camels, you

nefarious fiend?Foolish worm! You

were signed to the universe's death

warrant.

Uh, I have?Oh, gosh, I really don't

think I'm authorized to sign that. We've

got to stop him, Jim! You played right

into his hands! Oh, no, no

I'm sure I did the clever thing there.

Look!

I must not fear. Fear is the mind k*ller.

Fear is the little bet that brings total

oblivion. Really?What I did was very

clever. Oh, ohh you'll see.

Any second now, you'll see. Absolutely.

Very, very clever.

Terror st*lks the

snow globe! We are doomed! Doom, I tell

ya! Stupid! Doomed! Nice! Ohh

Go forth and destroy her. Destroy

her. Destroy her.

Not a chance. These guys have got to

accuse the c*ck weightness.

You know what your problem is?Poor public

image, my friend. You will never command

respect looking like that. You

need an image consultant, my

friend. For instance, the great

Tony, who is, of course, you see myself.

What the heck?I'll try anything once.

I mean, within reason. Not what you're

thinking. I mean, not just any anything,

you understand?I mean, I will. Tony is

looking at you, my friend, and Tony is

thinking of...

Middles!

Go forth and destroy!

Hmm

Oh, my friend, Tony is now seeing

something a bit more regal.

Loyal subjects, we

command you go forward

and destroy.

Tony's brain is storming. Tony sees

young, my friend. Tony sees hip, my

friend. Tony sees a

guitar.

Go forth and destroy, baby, baby, baby.

My friend Tony's thinking what we need

here is, oh, I could

just look.

Bob's thinking what we need here is

a demonstration.

Do you see?Like that!

Oh, like that?Why

didn't you say so?

And now, back to Earthworm Jim. You are

mine. Come on, I hold the

key. Oh, nameless

beast, I bid thee.

Actually, I do have a name. That's

nice. I bid thee. You're just

dying to know what it is, right?Come on,

ask me. Ask me my name. Come on, ask me.

Just ask me. Come on. All right, what's

your name?OK, funny story. My parents are

kind of hippies. Not that I had parents

per se, what with being the infernal

spawn of darkness and all.

But anyway, Long story short, my name

is Rosebud.

Rosebud. I know, I know

I look more like a throcktar. Or a

Galgamort the Destroyer. But there you

are. What's a beast to do?

OK, funny story. When I was in fifth

grade in Mrs. Gubatosi's class. Enough

talk. I bid thee destroy the

worm and the puppy. You've got the

key. You're the boss. Eat

dirt! Best putting in

monstrosity!

That was very rude, you know, blasting me

like that. Okay,

funny story. When I was a kid, I wanted

to be a big leaguer. Mostly I just liked

the uniforms. You know, the caps, the

cleats, the short pants. What's up with

those pants?But, of course, they don't

come in my size.

Now, oh beast, I

wish to destroy the universe.

What, even the good parts?

Especially the good parts.

'Cause there are some parts I'd hate to

destroy, like... OK, funny story. I was

on this tour of Andromeda. You know how

those group tours are always, you know,

such a rush, never get to see anything.

But anyway, long story short, I found a

shop with the cleverest little music

boxes.

Ha cha, ha cha, ha cha. Si

mamacita.

Cease your toxicorian gyrations.

Thank you. Look, can you destroy the

universe, or can't you?Piece of

cake, 'cause I know

the great secret of the

universe. Come on, follow me.

Meanwhile, our heroes careen across the

vast, empty void of space.

carbon-based life forms, you scratch my

paint job. I will crush you like

Blark Nargs. Uh, what are

Blark Nargs?Tiny little things that are

very easy to crush. Right. Oh, right.

They make a squishy little sound when you

crush 'em. As will you, I

fancy.

We rejoin our heroes as they are about to

be crushed like Lork noms.

Hello, love. Sail. Hubba hubba.

Where have you been all my life?Tall,

dark and slavering.

Pardon me, Ms. Alien thingy. If we don't

get back to Earth right now, the universe

will be destroyed. What?Even the good

parts?Yes. Now

I'll just turn my little buddy back to

normal. No way. I'll give

you a ride, but only if you leave this

hunka hunka burning love just the way he

is.

So what's your sign?Come to this

galactic quadrant often?What's your name?

Mine's Galgamar, the Destroyer.

Ohh Buy handsome,

call me.

So, you going to call her?

Actually, I think I'd rather have my skin

peeled off and roll around in salt. Hmm,

a tough decision. But you could do

both. It's a world of choice.

By the great worm spirit, whose name is

an anagram of worm spitter tiger, a clue.

We, the ancient snow globes,

break our silence at last to

reveal the great secret

of the universe. See?Snow

globes equals secret of universe. Told

you so, told you so, you're a schmo, I

told you so. Gah, groovy!

Way to twist the laws of physics, snow

globes. This is your

universe. Of course! Our

whole universe exists within a

giant snow globe!And that

globe is in another universe inside a

bigger globe, worlds within worlds, a

never-ending cosmic paradox. Yeah,

pretty neat, huh

That's it. Evil is going to destroy the

universe by making Rosebud break the

glass. Why, yes, he's gone to the

edge of the universe to destroy it, and

you must stop him or else. Or

else what?Or else the universe will be

destroyed. It's not enough. And now,

fellas, farewell. Thanks,

cheap yet incredibly wise little

souvenirs. What do we do, Jim?

Your rocket can't possibly get to the

edge of the universe in time. No,

but Ms. Alien Thingyship could. I

bet if, you know, kind of promised

her a date or, you know. Oh, no, no, no,

noForget it. No, no, Nope, Nope.

Not. Not going to do it.

So where will we go on our date?

Uh, someplace dark. Oh,

you hopeless romantic.

Now how about turning into a monster

again?Just for little old me?

Ah, the edge of the universe. Bit

disappointing, really. Looks just like

the middle of the universe, except for

all the glass. At

last! Our dream of destroying the

universe is within our grasp. That not

Hentrat's dream, boss. Hentrat's dream is

to open up little macrame shots someday.

Ow! Thank you. Never speak to

me again. Now,

oh, nameless

Rosebud, by the power of the key I

bid thee smash the glass and

destroy the universe. All

right, but I'm going to miss my music box

and, you know, everything else in the

universe. Hey!

Duck! Or a tentacle chatterbox!

You've tried that before, Jim! Come here,

poop. Feel the power of my mighty fist,

big, sweaty-looking thing!

Hey, that could start to itch if you keep

it up.

This has been lots of fun, little fellow,

but... I have to destroy the universe

now. No hard feelings.

Come now, my good worm. Even

you cannot stop the most powerful being

in all creation. Hey,

why must you take orders from

whoever has a king?Why?How can you even--

I mean, really, what a ridiculous-- I

must say, take orders indeed.

Hey. Why must I take

orders?No! Don't ask

questions! Questions bad! Questions bad!

You mean that I could just stop

taking orders?Yes!

Exercise your free will! Be your own

boss! Today is the first day of the rest

of your life! I'll do it!I'll

stop taking orders and go on a thrilling

voyage of self-discovery. Bye,

everybody. Bye.

Once again, I have saved the universe.

By the way, this is what I think of your

stupid key.

The victory is mine!

Uh-oh.

Must seal that hole!

Someone let Hinch Rat in, please.

Where exactly are we, anyway?

What?I bet if we really

understood snow globes, we'd know the

great secret of the

universe. Oh, now don't be silly,

dear. They're just cheap little

souvenirs. Okay.

Now I've saved the universe. But at

what cost?I thought we'd go

to some cozy little romantic restaurant.

Just you and me and the moonlight.

Come on, turn into a

monster again, pretty peas.

Ah Waiter! Okay,

funny story. I went on a thrilling voyage

of self-discovery and found out I really

like taking orders. Um, may I

take yours?Give me the biggest,

rarest steak you've got.

Now that's service.