02x19 - Mazed and Kingfused

[bunniefuu]

[Crowing]

[Screeches]

Tyrannis: Huh.

Did it work?

It worked!
The growth stone worked!

Tyrannis: I'm just
the right amount taller!

Not off-puttingly giant,
just what girls call

a respectable height!

Up top, similar size man!
I can reach!

We should hang out!

Tyrannis: Stupe,
the stone you gave me...

Ohhhh.
- [Laughter]

Tyrannis: Hold on.
Did you undress me

while I was sleeping
and put a smaller toga

on my helpless nude body?

Well played!

[Laughter]

Deliria: Remind me what you
call this hilarious

public destruction
of someone's ego?

Stupendous: A prank.
Took me a while

to get the hang of it 'cause
usually I destroy an ego

by destroying the head,

but turns out I like prank wars
almost as much as a regular w*r.

Tyrannis: And now we're even.
Stupendous: Are we?

There was the prank where
you painted a plate of food

on the table and I ate it...

Tyrannis: Which was repayment
for the crown lice.

Stupendous: Which was
repayment for when you said

if my hand was bigger
than my face it meant

I had plague,
and then it turned out

there was plague on my hand.

That was a good one.

Tyrannis: One way or
another I need to

call a prank truce.

I have a big day.

Stupendous: OK, fine,
I'll "agree to a truce."

Tyrannis: Can you agree
without subtext?

Shlub: Morning, all.
Have I told you

what I want done
with my body if I die?

Tyrannis: OK. What angry madam

at what weirdly
specialized brothel

has a bounty on you now?

Shlub: Son, I never pay
for sex except as a bit,

and the starfish
at the starfish brothel

have so much fun,
they keep trying to pay me!

No, I'm just on my way
to King Minos' bash

on the Isle of Crete.

Hippocampus: "Min-os"?
Tyrannis: Yeah, I thought

it was pronounced "Mine-os."

Deliria: Divorced men.

No one parties harder or sadder.

Minos' party will have all sorts
of risky amusements,

not just his famous Minotaur.

Tyrannis: Oh, right,
there you go.

There's also a piranha jacuzzi,

crossbow line dancing, which
is like normal line dancing,

but if you mess up,
they sh**t you.

Hippocampus: Why would you want
to go to a party like that?!

Deliria: The same reason
people black-out drink.

Nothing's more fun
than almost dying.

Shlub: And on the off chance
I overshoot the "almost,"

I'd like my body to be ground up
and put in a big lasagna.

All righty then!

You're just
gonna let him do this?

Sounds like his life
is gonna be in danger!

Ugh. Once you've made
the mistake of investing

emotionally in a mortal,
you have to give up

on distinguishing between levels
of theoretical risk.

Anything short of
"he is currently dying" looks

more or less the same to me.

At any rate,
I'm very busy today.

I'm getting a sandwich.

Lunch dragon!

[Roars]

Hippocampus: Well,
one of us has to go with Dad.

He can't party like
he's 4,000 years old anymore.

Tyrannis: I feel you,
and yet, I am also busy.

Stupendous: Gotta go clear
things up with everybody

who thought you
got magically tall?

Tyrannis: Among other things!
Hence the prank truce!

Stupendous: And I'm
on alert because

the "prank truce"
is definitely a prank.

Hippocampus: Great, so it's
on me to pretend I want

to go to this
reckless-idiot festival

and keep Dad from partying
to death.

You're both welcome!

Stupendous: Nobody
thought you got tall.

Tyrannis: Except me, Stupe!

Except me.

Men: ♪ Huh ♪

♪ Huh huh ♪

♪ Huh huh huh ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

[Dance music playing]

[Men grunting]

Hippocampus: Wow.
This seems less like a party

and more like a bunch of guys

endangering themselves
for no reason.

Shlub: Well the snake-taunting
booth isn't for everyone,

but I'm sure we can find
something you'd like.

There's quicksand races...
Partier: Whoo! Yeah!

Shlub: A blind guy
just swinging a sword

around in an enclosed area...

Server: Blowfish meat?

We didn't prepare it correctly.

Shlub: Oooh!
Sounds delicious!

Hippocampus: Dad! No!

I-I mean Won't we catch a buzz
faster if we drink

on an empty stomach?

Shlub: Good looking out, son.

Should I procure us some
dangerous libations?

Hippocampus:
Let me get the drinks!

Why don't you hang
out here and try...

[Cheering]

Aah! Unh!

Whoo-hoo! Hee hee!

Hippocampus: sitting next
to this quiet, calm man?

Ooh. What could he be hiding?

Hi, I'm Marc.

I'm a grown man
who gives his cats

ironic "people" names like
"Greg" and "Meghan."

Hippocampus: Ooh, scary!

Sit here and talk to scary Marc!

Marc: My best friend is my aunt.

Hippocampus: Two waters, please.

So are you a fish with legs
or a man with a fish head?

Hippocampus: Uh, what?

Sorry. Where are my manners.

Well, I'll tell you where.

My wife got 'em in the divorce.
I'm King Minos.

Hippocampus: Oh, so this
is your divorce party,

and you pronounce it "Mean-os"!

Minos: Yeah,
but don't worry about Minos.

I get to be the good guy.

She was seeing a bull
behind my back,

which I only found out
when "our" kid

came out half-bull.

You believe that?

I mean, what does a bull have
that I don't?

It doesn't matter, I'm over it.

Hippocampus: Well,
I gotta go find my dad.

Minos: Thing is,
somehow I got custody

of this Minotaur!

Do not let your
racquetball partner

be your lawyer.

He was like, "Oh, I can
handle that for you."

Well, he didn't.
Hippocampus: Right, right.

Sounds tough, man.

Well, good luck with everything.

I'll be thinking of you...

Minos: And I gotta keep it
appeased by feeding it

virgins, which are super
hard to find, especially

on this island
since there's really only

one thing to do here, you know,
the nasty, knockin' boots,

the horizontal tango,
the vertical sexual tango...

Hippocampus: I get it,
having sex.

Minos: If you wanna be crass.

Anyway, it's hard to find
a virgin,

and it's basically the only
thing this Minotaur will eat.

Incredibly picky,
but do you see me complaining?

No! That was my wife's job.

Marc: Aah!
Hippocampus: What was that?

What's going on?!

Marc: I spent my whole
life staying a virgin

in the service of the kingdom,

but then along came your dad!

Hippocampus: Oh, no. You slept
with a virgin sacrifice?!

Dad, you weren't
supposed to do that.

Shlub: Well you should've
told me.

It would have made it
even hotter!

Minos: You spoiled my virgin?!

Shlub: Oh, I spoiled
him all right.

It turns out Marc
is quite the charmer.

Marc, tell him about the cats.

[Stupendous whistling]

Scott: Oh, hey, Stupendous.

Just polishing Ty's throne
for his big day.

Stupendous: I see that.
What's in the other bucket?

Is that glue?
Scott: Yeah.

I was just doing
some gluing earlier.

It's really strong glue.

Stupendous: Interesting.
Scott: Is it?!

That's good to know.

I need more
conversation starters.

I've been trying to date more...

Stupendous: What did
Ty have you gluing?

Let me guess. My battle axes
to their mounts on the wall?

No, no. A dead goat to my bed?

Oh, maybe himself to my ceiling

so he can pretend
he's a ghost and haunt me?

Scott: I don't know what
you're talking about.

Stupendous: Oh, I bet you don't.

You know what, Scott?
You do too much around here.

Why don't you let me take over?

Scott: Really?! It's so nice
to be appreciated!

Stupendous: Tee hee hee hee hee!

Hey, Ty! Get in here!

Tyrannis: Oh, wow!

Stupendous: I felt bad
about how I didn't take

your big day seriously,
so I polished your throne up

real nice for you.

Can you sit in it real fast
so I can make sure

I got the shine level right?

Tyrannis: Aw, thank you, Stupe!
That is so nice of you!

Stupendous: You should lean
back so the sunlight

glints off your eyes.

Tyrannis: Well, OK. Like this?

Stupendous: OK.
You can hop off now.

[Tyrannis grunting]

Ha ha ha! Or maybe you can't

'cause you got glued to your
throne with your own glue!

Ha ha ha!

Tyrannis: What?!
Are you kidding me?

What about the truce?!

Stupendous: Oh, yeah,
I guess this glue was to

make truce decorations!

You thought I'd fall for that?

You gotta try something
a little more convincing

than "I have a big day."

Tyrannis: But I do have
a big day!

I'm hosting a peace talk!

I can't be glued to my throne!
- Why didn't you say that?

Tyrannis: Because I knew
you wouldn't want to be

involved in a peace treaty,
but guess what.

Now you have to be.

[Knock on door]

You agreed to
a truce and didn't honor it,

and now you have to help
me not look like an idiot!

Stupendous: Well, that's
not gonna be easy.

[Knocking]
Tyrannis: Just get the door!

Hippocampus: What if we
found you a new virgin?

I saw a playground nearby.

What?!
Minos: No.

You take my virgin,
you face my Minotaur.

Shlub: Oooooh!

Hippocampus: But neither
of us is a virgin!

Minos: He can choke you down.
Shlub: Oooooooh!

Minos: Tell the Minotaur
he's eating

fish sticks for dinner!

[Cheering]

Shlub: Whoo!

Hippocampus:
Why are you whooing?

He's talking about me!

Shlub: I'm so proud of you.

The fish sticks are my son!

Hippocampus:
I'm gonna get us out of this.

I've got a plan.

Minos: I know all
about the thread trick.

Hippocampus: Damn.
Minos: And the crumbs.

Hippocampus: Oh, that
would've been a good idea.

Minos: And the ladybugs.

Hippocampus:
How would that work?

Shlub: Ah, this will
stop me from flying out,

and I love the smell of tar!

Hippocampus: Why are
you so excited?

Do you not understand?
You could be k*lled!

Shlub: If I die,
I'll die doing what I love...

almost dying.

Hippocampus: Dad, wait!

You've got traps in there?

Minos: Enjoy!
Shlub: Why thank you!

Not a bad fellow in the end!

Hippocampus:
Smooth sailing so far.

Shlub: I know, it's too bad.

We've avoided
the venomous snake pit,

the guillotine corridor,
and that red water slide.

Hippocampus:
Dad, I already told you

that wasn't water, it was lava.

If we're not going
to do anything,

why did we even come here?

Just let me step on
one suspicious rock

beneath a column of spikes.

Hippocampus: Dad, no!
Shlub: Oh!

Hippocampus: It's like
you want to get hurt!

Come on, we're getting close.

Statue one: Halt!
Behind us stand two doors.

Statue two: Nope.

Statue one: One leads
to your freedom...

Statue two: Wrong.

Statue one: the other to
almost certain death.

Statue two: That is incorrect.

Statue one:
One of us always lies,

one of us always tells
the truth.

Statue two: Neither of us does
either of those things.

False.
Shlub: And what about you?

Statue 3: Oh, I'm not
with those guys.

Hippocampus: OK, well
obviously this is the one

that tells the truth.

Statue two: No! Why? What? No.

Hippocampus: Well, she said
there's two doors

and you said there weren't.
Statue two: No I didn't.

Hippocampus: Which
door leads to freedom?

Shlub: Because once we
know the safe door,

we can choose the spicy door.

Hippocampus: What?!

Statue one: The door
on the right.

Statue two: Not true!
Statue one: No, your right.

Statue two: No, my right.
Nobody's right.

It's on the left. Your left!
Hippocampus: Thank you.

Statue two: Maybe
there are no doors!

Maybe we're the ones who
are trapped

and we have to open one of you.

Ooh!

Hippocampus: OK, Dad. Let's go.
Shlub: Are you sure?

'Cause we can still
choose the fun door!

Hippocampus: You mean
the door that she said leads

to "almost certain death"?

[Man screaming]

The one that's
literally leaking blood?

That door?
Shlub: Yes!

Statue two:
It's not leaking blood.

Uh, you're leaking blood.

Hippocampus: Come on!
We're leaving my way.

Statue 3: Wait, wait,
take me with you?

Take me with you!

Statue one: Jeez, Debra,
if there's something you

want to talk about,
just talk about it.

Statue two: I'm not offended.
[Sniffling]

Statue one: Are you...
Statue two: I'm fine!

[Sobbing]

Tyrannis:
Thank you for trusting me.

It's a huge honor
and responsibility,

and I promise I will treat
this negotiation

with the solemnity
that it deserves.

Stupendous:
You're gonna do great.

How much of this can
require you to move anyway?

Before we get started,

it is a custom of my country
to stand in prayer.

Stupendous: Seriously?

I know, right? Here we go.

I wouldn't expect that guy
to honor this tradition,

but you, a man who claims
to be reasonable?

Tyrannis: Uh...

Stupendous: That's exactly
why Ty won't stand.

He doesn't want to... honor
one kingdom over the other.

Tyrannis: She's right,
so let's get this started.

Stupe, will you bring
out the map, please?

"Stand in prayer."

You go too far, Lapithos!

Aah!

Ty, little help?

[Tyrannis grunting]

No, I wouldn't want to show...

special treatment.

This isn't like the standing
in prayer thing.

That's my snack for later.

I don't agree... because I would
never agree with this cur...

but I don't disagree.

Why don't you just get
the pomegranate?

Come on.
It's right at your feet.

[Sweat dripping]

Tyrannis: Stupe!
Stupendous: What?

I'm getting the map!

I can't believe how much
moving around is happening!

Hippocampus: We better
head home before Minos

finds out we escaped.

He is not the most stable
person I've ever met.

Shlub: Ugh.
Hippocampus: What's wrong?

You love being mounted,

usually in ways
I find disturbing.

Shlub: I'm feeling
a strange feeling,

an odd displeasure caused
by a lack of fulfillment.

Like a cl*max I didn't
get to have,

almost some kind of anti-cl*max!

Hippocampus: You're...
disappointed we escaped?

Shlub: What part of it
did you not understand?

I wanted to do
the labyrinth the way

that it was meant to be done...

at great peril to my head
and testicles.

Hippocampus:
I don't believe this.

I save you from the death maze,

you're mad I didn't let you
play in it longer.

Shlub: That's right!

Son, I'm thousands of years old.

Everything you think
is thrilling is

old hat to me,

and before you ask, yes,
even romancing an old hat.

Hippocampus: Was not gonna ask.

The reason I came
to this party was to feel alive,

meet a Minotaur,
get the old heart racing.

I hear he's got huge horns.

I hear he's got huge horns.

I mean, horns for days.

Hippocampus: The reason
I came is because you

can't be trusted to look
after yourself...

at a party, in a maze,
even in an open field

with nothing for miles.

- [Grunting]
- See?!

Shlub: I don't know how
it got so tangled!

I thought you came
because you enjoy

spending time with me.

Hippocampus: How can
I enjoy spending time

with someone whose idea
of fun involves

their own reckless demise?

Shlub: Perhaps by
respecting what I enjoy.

Well, if you can't do that,
I'll go have fun

the way I like... fearlessly,
open-minded,

and all lubed up.

Hippocampus: Oh, boy.

Something weird is going on
with you, Tyrannis,

and I've been
at w*r for far too long not

to be impulsively aggressive!

This is why we never
get anywhere with peace talks.

You're impossible! Ugh!

Now I gotta get my dagger, too.

Tyrannis: No! No daggers!

If we're going to do this,
we need to establish trust!

Stupendous: Watch this!

Tyrannis: And why did
you do that again?

Stupendous: Trust.
You trusted that I wouldn't hit

you with this knife,

and that's why
you didn't flinch.

Tyrannis: Right.
That is the reason.

Now can everyone please
stop dropping things

and throwing knives
so we can get on with it?

Look. He attacked us to build
an extension of his palace,

and that's just the beginning.

The extension he built
was garish and offensive!

[Rumbling]

Hippocampus: Dad? Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Dad? Dad!

[Screaming]

- Unh!
- Ugh!

[Roaring]

Minos: Hear that? That's his
"I forgot to eat breakfast

and it's too late for lunch,
so I'm really hungry" roar!

Hippocampus: Still having fun?
Shlub: Hmm.

I'd say 6 out of 10?

[Minotaur roaring]

Hippocampus: I don't believe it.

You don't even get it now that
we're both going to die?

Shlub: Son, as I said,
I never asked you

to keep me safe.

Why can't you
respect what I want?

What about what I want?!

I wasn't trying to
keep you safe for you.

I'm not ready for you to die.

You're my dad!
Shlub: Oh.

Hippocampus: It's
irresponsible for you to be

so cavalier
with your life when...

I can't believe I'm saying
this... you have a family

who wants you in their
lives as long as possible.

Oh, son. I'm so moved.

And here I thought you were just
a top-notch party pooper,

which I respected, by the way!

I'm sorry
for getting you into this,

though, to be clear,
I'm not sorry

for sleeping with that virgin.

He had no teeth. I mean, zero.

[Slow clap]
Minos: Wow.

What a touching moment
between two people

who are about to be torn apart
by my Minotaur!

Shlub: Thank you.

[Minotaur roars]

Minotauuuuuuur!

Hippocampus: Aah!
Shlub: Huh.

Hippocampus: What is it, now?

Shlub: Well, I don't know.

He's objectively terrifying,
but I can't help feel

I got oversold on the size
of the horns.

Stupendous: I don't know, man.

I don't think these
guys need peace.

You know what actually might be
perfect for them is w*r.

Tyrannis: That's not
what we're here for.

You promised.
Plus, I need your help.

I've got a bogie in my nose,
and if I can't reach it,

you're gonna have to get it out!

I only did that

because of the abduction
of our Lapithion women!

Melissa isn't "your" woman.

She's "a" woman,
and she moved to Pandosia

because she likes
the sunsets more!

Stupendous: Ugh.

Lapithos: Oh, you have got to be
kidding me!

Tyrannis: There's
a little more in there.

Stupendous:
Can we move this along?

Lapithos: Oh, she likes
the sunsets, does she?

I suppose it's the same
deal with our sheep?

Pandosia: Again, Begonia
isn't "your" sheep.

She's "a" sheep,
and, no, it's not the sunsets.

We are in love!

Stupendous: These guys are nuts.

Please can't we just let
them fight this border w*r

until both sides
completely die out?

Tyrannis: No! You have to make
them agree to my proposal.

Also, I really have to pee,
so unless you want to find

a way to solve
that for me, too...

Stupendous: Why don't you
just agree to this

and stop fighting?

Lapithos: Because
that would be cowardly.

I don't think it's cowardly.

Lapithos: Of course
it's cowardly.

What's more cowardly
than not fighting

your worst enemy?

I don't understand.

Tyrannis:
Think of it like a truce.

Lapithos: Stupendous,
you're the most

aggressive warrior in the world.

Would you ever agree
to a "non-aggression pact"

with the understanding that
saying you would is

saying you're a coward?

- It doesn't mean that.
- Yes, it does.

[Softly]
I don't just have to pee.

Stupendous: Yes, I would agree
to a non-aggression pact.

Lapithos: Well,
if Stupendous would be willing

to humiliate herself
like this...

We apologize and get over it.

Tyrannis: Gotcha!
Stupendous: Huh?

Tyrannis: I said, I gotcha!
Stupendous: What?!

You're supposed to be
glued to the throne!

Tyrannis: You can't glue
someone to a throne.

That was honey!

I can't believe this!

I threw a knife really close
to your head, you know.

Tyrannis: I know!
That was insane!

I was frozen with terror,
but it worked out perfect!

Scott: It was my job
to make sure

you used the bait glue!

[Laughter]

Stupendous: And you
were in on it, too?

Pandosia: No!

Scott: Ha ha ha! What?

This is it.
We can't outrun him anymore.

Shlub: Perhaps I shouldn't
have had so much wine

back at the maze.

[Minotaur roars]

Hippocampus: Aah!

Enough running.
I wanna see bloodshed!

It's the only thing that
keeps me from being alone

with my divorced thoughts!

Honestly, what are you
good for if you can't catch

a little merman and his old dad?

You might as well
not even be here!

Minotaurrrrr!

Minos: Don't you
speak to me in that tone.

Mino-taur!

Minos: Yes, I know
you miss your mom.

May I remind you, she left me!

Hippocampus, whispering:
Oh, my god. I have an idea, Dad.

Look at them.
Shlub: I know.

They're both sensationally hot,

but zero chemistry, I'm afraid.

Hippocampus: No. I mean,
look at them fighting.

They're just a father and son
with father-son problems!

Hey, Minotaur!
- Rawwr!

Hippocampus:
I wanna say something

misunderstood son
to misunderstood son.

What are you doing? Eat them!

Shlub: Hippo, I'm no expert,
but isn't running

in fear usually
a bit more active?

More fearful screaming?

Hippocampus: Listen, I know
a thing or two about having

a father who doesn't
think about consequences.

Hell, that's why you
and me even exist,

but we're never
gonna change them.

They love us
but sometimes can't see

how their actions affect us.

Minotaur: Minotaur.
Minos: Don't listen to him.

This is great for both of us!

You love eating virgins.

Minotaur: Minotaur, Minotaur.

Minos: You haven't
liked eating virgins

since you were 3?

Minotaurrrrr!

Minos: What? I know plenty
of your friends.

Minotaur: Minotaur.

Minos: Of course I can name one.

Like. I wanna say... Delby?

Stupendous: I can't
believe you played

so fast and loose
with an actual peace treaty.

I thought you were
so into peace!

Tyrannis: I'm into peace.
I'm not that into peace.

Scott: Are you worried
that two kings

with an endless appetite
for bloodshed

are allies against you now?

Stupendous: What are
you still doing here?

Scott: I'm just trying
to be part of the g*ng!

Tyrannis: Go clean
the honey off of my throne!

Stupendous: Don't worry, bro.

If they attack us,
I'll take care of them.

Tyrannis: I know you will.

It's nice to just
have fun sometimes.

Beekeeper:
Who stole all my honey?

Stupendous: Uh, the guy next
to the honey bucket

cleaning all the honey off
that big chair!

Beekeeper: Honey thief!
We have come for revenge!

I'm releasing my sweet bees!

[Buzzing]
Scott: Aah!

[Stupendous
and Tyrannis laughing]

Tyrannis: Classic Beekeeper!

Stupendous: This probably
goes down in, like,

top 5 best Beekeeper
moments ever.

Scott: Aah!

Tyrannis: This prank
just keeps on giving.

He's... he's getting stung.

Scott: Aah!

Tyrannis: He's really suffering.

Scott: Aah!

- Minotaur!
- OK. I see your point.

Sometimes I don't think
about what you want.

Your mom used to
say the same thing.

Minotaur.

Shlub: Wow, son.

You really brought
them back together.

Hippocampus: You horse-kick
that cow man freak

as hard as you can.
Shlub: But...

Hippocampus: Just do it!

Minotaur: Ugh!
Minos: Unh!

Minotaur: Agh!

Minos: That tender father-son
stuff was working!

Why would you kick both
of us in the crotch?

Hippocampus: So you'd chase us!

Shlub: Ha ha ha! Yes!
That's the spirit!

Rawwrr!

Rawwrrrrr!

[Minotaur growling]

Minotaur...

Hippocampus:
That was exhilarating!

You know what?
I see the appeal.

Shlub: Well, spectacular

because there's a toothless
ex-virgin waiting

for us in the piranha jacuzzi!

Hippocampus: I mean this
in all sincerity.

You go have fun.

Waitress: Enjoy, sweetie.

Chronos: All-powerful god
of time,

but it still takes an hour
and a half to get a table.

Deliria: Chronos, you were
absolutely right.

This is delicious.

Way better than that...
what did you call it?

Hot dog?
- Told you.

Deliria: So where are
we having dessert?

[Snap]

Oh, it looks delicious.

What is this called?
Chronos: Baked Alaska.

Deliria: I don't understand
either of those words.

Lookout: Iceberg right ahead!

Chronos: Ooh! Ha ha!
It's about to start.

Deliria: Oh, dinner and a show!

You spoil me.

[Crash]

[Passengers screaming]

Dan Harmon:
Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento!
[Cheering]