Animal Among us (2019)

[bunniefuu]

No.

Oh, yeah.

Much better than

mother's old sign.

She caught him in her

trap, the son of a b*stard.

All the son of a b*tch

could muster in his defense

was a lyric from

better days past.

As the g*n muzzle nestled

between his lips, he quivered,

saying, "no one knows what it's

like to feel these feelings",

"like I do."

"And I blame..."

Oh, come here,

I'm gonna tickle you.

- Mommy Wolf!

- Am I Mommy Wolf?

And Izzy bear!

Hi, my love, how are ya?

You've found a Halloween

mask in the middle of May?

Not bad, did you go with Mommy?

We went shopping

all day, didn't we?

Come here, Daddy has

to go to work, come here.

I need a hug.

You're the best hugger in

the world, you know that?

Go wash your hands, okay, babe?

I love you!

Oh.

- You're a rock star.

- Yeah, I know.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hm.

And uh, you look

kinda sexy with that mask.

You know what's not sexy?

How much my a*s hurts from

driving around all day

looking for that stupid thing.

I'm tired, I'm behind

on a deadline...

Hey, you know how important

it is for my students to know

that I support the ideas 100%,

so, you saved my a*s, again.

I know it won't

be the last time.

So, did you get

your writing done?

Yeah, I think I kinda

hit a breakthrough.

I'm not too happy about

the ending, though.

Don't all horror

stories end the same way?

k*ll the monster or

the monster kills you?

What if you have to

live with the monster?

- Oh well, I'll figure it out.

- Okay.

Bye.

My test patient's charade

of misconstrued feelings

will lead to

misguided intentions.

Therefore, no matter

how she dolls up now,

this will manifest one

day into her actions.

The makeup she wears

is merely a mask

covering up scars

none of us can see.

If we don't begin to pay

attention and help those types

of people before maniacal

thoughts become actions,

you might never know

when your worst enemy

could be sitting

right next to you.

Thank you.

Kinda exhilarating, isn't it?

That feeling you

get behind the mask.

That strange freedom

and anonymity,

with the power to do

almost anything you want.

Very beautiful imagery, Kara.

Creative.

My one criticism, if you

can even call it that,

is what do we do with the

people who love their masks?

Those who refuse to

take 'em off, ever.

Are they worth the time,

money and resources?

Okay, but the foundation

built on "we, the people" has

been trampled on by the

time-money resource...

Wah, wah, wah,

wah, liberal alert.

Okay, but as a democratic

republic, can we let our society

to devolve into a

self-centered existence?

Okay, can we have some

poll numbers on that?

You know what, maybe my test

patient's some evil genius

plotting to k*ll me and chaos

theory wins again, right?

Alright, anyways.

Inspiring, very creative.

But, is it A+ material?

Show me those thumbs.

Oh!

The tribe has spoken.

Salty or sweet,

choose your treat.

Mm, my favorite color.

Mm, do feel free

to use that lab.

Minimum 1,000 words on

your most vivid memory

of when your maniacal thoughts

didn't become conscious

actions and what positive

effect you believe it had

in your young lives.

Make good choices this

week, my pet brains, okay?

See you soon.

That was great.

So, do you really

think I was inspiring?

My neurons are still buzzing.

So, I was thinking

about writing a book.

- Oh.

- On my test patient.

You know, a story about

her f*cked up story.

Think that'll be something

you could help me with?

- Yeah, I mean, I...

- Perfect.

- Well...

- When can we start?

I think you should clear

it with Dean Winters first.

Ew, he's such a creep.

But yes, I totally

ran it by Mr. A.

He actually thought it was

a great idea and thought

- you'd be perfect for it.

- Mm-hm.

Why don't we just talk

about it next week?

Next week?

You're trying to drive

me crazy, aren't you?

Office hours this

weekend, maybe?

Uh, no.

Okay, never mind.

Listen, I uh, Christine

told me she explained to you

the whole nanny situation,

I hope she wasn't too...

Firm, but fair.

Can you please tell her

again how sorry I am?

An idiot, I was...

Come on, it's okay.

It's water under the bridge.

No harm, no foul.

No harm, no foul, I like that.

That reminds me.

Make sure you check your email

before you go home tonight.

- Have a good weekend.

- You, too.

All clear from tower three,

about to set the last trap.

Rally at my cabin afterwards?

Earth to Poppy, do

you copy, Poppy?

Oh, I have a nice

surprise for you, actually.

Seems like a young man has

wandered into the woods alone,

and now he's trespassing

without prior authorization.

Tell him to go

away, we're closed.

I told him that already,

but he said he talked to Burl.

What?

Where are you?

My god.

Are you okay there, buddy?

I'm okay!

I just, oh, ripped up the

a*s a little bit, I'm okay.

Okay.

- Hi, how are you?

- Hi.

- You're Bishop, P. Bishop.

- Yeah, okay.

You've got 15 minutes,

and that's it,

- because the camp is closed.

- No, look.

I'm not just wandering

around alone out here.

I'm actually on my first

investigative report.

The blog site Bigfoot Afoots

dot com, have you heard of us?

- No.

- Well, we've heard of you.

Now, I heard you

mention the name Burl,

because I believe he's

the one that confirmed

the Sirsquatch sight,

the Sirsquatch sighting.

What?

Sirsquatch, he's...

Hold onto

your nuts, squirrel boy.

Jesus.

Does her shirt

say Squatch on it?

- Get off.

- Okay.

Help.

Oh, boy.

Hi.

I heard you

wanted to see me after class?

- Oh, my god.

- What?

Hi, babe.

- Okay.

- What?

- I'm sensitive.

- Mm.

You're so sexy.

I'm so pregnant.

And I'm bloated and I'm

achy, I'm tired and I'm fat.

You are so not fat.

You are glowing.

What's up?

Oh, nothing, I'm

just, I'm preoccupied.

By?

I should've thrown it away,

why didn't I throw it away?

What, the baby?

So...

Today, um...

You got a letter addressed to

you but there was no address,

and there was no stamp

on it, so I was curious.

Okay.

So, I opened it.

Sounds serious.

"Dear, Mr. Baumgarner."

"I must first start by

saying I'm your biggest fan."

Oh!

Sounds good so far.

"My name is Marilyn Bishop."

"You might not recognize

me, but my family,"

"owner of the

Merrymaker camp grounds,"

"undoubtedly make

famous by your book."

Hello?

Oh, my god.

"I believe whatever

maimed and k*lled"

"those two girls

will never return."

"I do not know this for

certain, but I do not, nor did I"

"raise my children to live

in fear of the unknown."

- Mm-hm.

- Whoa.

"My two beautiful daughters

in the picture," what picture?

Oh, yeah.

My god, this is amazing.

Huh.

Okay.

"They have endured so much

over the past 15 years,"

"they simply deserve only the

beauty that Merrymaker holds."

Wow.

Why in the world would

you throw this away?

I don't know, 'cause it's

a mildly obsessed fan letter,

in response to a horror book

that you wrote seven years ago?

What, hello?

An invitation to the

reopening of the camp

that I made famous

is not a fan letter.

It's her last dying wish,

for crying out loud.

Honey.

Well, her last dying

wish is in two days.

Okay, I can drive,

it'll take me 10 hours.

- What?

- I zip in, zip out.

Snip the ribbon, I'll be back

before you'd even miss me.

- Roland.

- We'll go together.

Hey, my juices are

already pumping.

Maybe this is a sign.

Come on, the three of us

in the middle of nowhere.

It'll be great, Izzy, we'll

find somebody to watch Izzy.

One of the students...

Oh, one of your students?

They're gonna grocery shop?

And they're gonna clean

the house and they're gonna

bathe Izzy and feed

her and put her to bed?

No, we tried this

once before, remember?

With that student, Kara?

And her intoxicated

baby sitting routine.

No, we are adults now.

Mm.

- Grownups.

- Yes.

Alright, alright, alright.

I'm being ridiculous, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

- I'm gonna clean up.

- Okay, babe.

I'll see ya in five!

Never know what might

happen in five.

Jesus H, who in

the hell is that?

- I'm from Bigfoot's Afoots...

- Not you.

It's just a lost camper.

I'm taking her into the infirmary,

she's a little delirious.

This is her belongings.

- Any sign of, uh...

- Nope.

Traps are set, though.

Great job.

Okay, meet me back at my cabin

when you're done with her.

Mm-hm.

What can I do you for?

Fascinating place you have here.

Are these the sassafras trees?

Which cabin y'all got

the baby-eatin' inbreed

shackled up in?

- Right this way.

- Okay.

Maybe next time

you'll wear looser pants

when you're thinking about

breaking and entering.

So this is where

it all happened.

We've repainted and

remodeled all 13 cabins.

Now all that's left is

to put the bodies in 'em.

Bodies?

Like dead bodies?

Yeah, dead bodies.

Of bloggists first.

Mm-hm, touché, touché.

Okay, you fill in the blank.

The first thing

that people think of

when they say Merrymaker is...

Look, I know.

The perception of our

camp based on that book

is completely moronic

and ridiculous.

Entertaining, but fictional.

What happened to those two

young girls is a tragedy,

and should be viewed and

treated as such, in my opinion.

If you believe that, you must

also believe that animals

are gonna rise out

of the cemetery.

Do you have a cemetery here?

We have a proud

family history here,

and I intend to get these

grounds up and running

just as my mother's mother's

mother did long before me.

You seem disappointed.

Well, I was...

I was just hoping

that you could confirm

the Bigfoot sightings.

The what what whatting?

Sirsquatch.

He was reported .67 miles from

here, that's why I'm here.

Are you sure you

haven't seen any traces

- or any signs or any...

- Of a bigfoot?

No.

But, but Burl, he...

"But Burl?"

I don't know what Burl was

thinking, but Burl's way

of thinking is the reason

why Burl is no longer here.

Why don't I give you the

quick tour on the way out?

Hey, you're safe, okay?

No, no safe here.

Safe.

You came a long

way from home, huh?

I no want to go.

Though I go.

Then...

In the camera, I see it.

Monstro, I record it.

I'm gonna get you

your camera back,

and you're gonna be

okay, just relax,

and let me clean you up.

I believe you, okay?

You're safe.

I promise, if you weren't safe,

I would drive you to the

desert tonight myself.

- I would.

- You will drive me?

Come on, let's

take one of these.

You'll feel so much better.

Is this off the record?

Sure.

The truth is, when they

found those two girls,

only my mother and my brother

and my step-dad were there.

Oh.

Well, can I talk to

mom, or brother, or...

My brother, Wayne, turned

18 and checked out that summer

after it all went down,

haven't heard from him since.

Our real dad left

when we were little.

Probably because he

couldn't deal with my crazy,

overbearing mother and left

her alone to run the place.

She met the meat-sack known

as Burl and married the oaf.

But when she died last year,

half cancer, half broken heart,

Burl was asked to leave.

So, I'm sorry if I don't look

like a buck-toothed inbred

who likes to blend

babies into smoothies.

Oh, my gosh!

Did they base the Fran character

off of you in the book?

The innocent daughter turned

psychopathic scalping expert?

You'll never know.

Okay, but what

about the camcorder

that was found with the

maimed girls on the lake?

I mean, there was

no tape in there?

At least, that's what the

police report says, but is that

what you say?

Looks like your time is up.

Okay.

Well, just answer

one more question.

What's the rush?

I mean, what's out here

that's makin' ya so anxious?

You people are what's

making me so anxious.

I'm sorry that our camp

contains no man-eating inbreeds,

no Bigfoots, no nothing

but real people,

just getting ready for

a nice grand re-opening.

No trespassing means no, even

in the middle of nowhere.

Here we go.

Alright.

Godspeed.

I would be doing a great

disservice to my readers if I

didn't at least try to interview

the little Mexican girl.

Ranger Bishop?

Ranger Bishop?

Careful of your vag*na

on the way over, buddy.

Bigfoot Afoots

investigation blog log.

Time is, uh, I don't

know what time it is,

but I'm at Merrymaker camp

ground and I'm hearing

familiar but

unidentifiable sounds, I...

This could be the very moment.

Tonight.

That I make bonafide

first-contact.

With the primordial Sirsquatch.

I'm now going to attempt to

climb down over this fence

and investigate further.

Log out.

"I'm your biggest fan."

Oh, hi, baby.

Come here.

Did you have a bad dream?

Yeah?

Did Mommy get you

another teddy bear?

He's cute, what's his name?

Should get you back to bed.

♪ Ghost on the hills ♪

♪ Weirdos on the boulevard ♪

♪ Kissin' goodbye to

their vanishing dreams ♪

♪ As their life

is blowing apart ♪

♪ Fall out ♪

♪ In a bar brawl estate ♪

♪ Fall out ♪

♪ In a colorful haze ♪

Enough with the shaky screen.

Anita, you need to see this.

Copy.

Hey, hon.

I, uh, I hope you're

enjoying your facial by now.

I know, I know,

I'm a stubborn a*s,

but uh, this might

be good for us.

You know how I

feel about my fans,

and I'll be outta your

hair for a couple days,

maybe you'll get

some writin' done.

Ah, come on.

Really?

Hm.

Any other traces?

These.

Scat over there next to

big freakin' footprints.

It's getting closer.

Lupita told me last night

that guts fell out of

a tree onto her head.

What, no, that's

delirium, hallucinations,

malnutrition, dehydration,

sun exposure...

This has gotten so out

of control since he left!

We do not need Burl, do

you understand me, Poppy?

Well, I called him because

we do need him, okay?

I need him to eliminate

a problem from my life.

He might just be my

ticket out of town.

Well, well.

Miss Tinkerbell.

You look more like a fairytale

every time I see you.

How goes it, Muffin?

Spinnin' my wheels.

Hey, can I pop one of those

squares from you, Daddy-O?

You should never smoke.

Go on.

Hey, you two lung

cancer advocates.

Ah!

- Well, stick around, soldier.

- What'd she tell you?

Clean up, 101.

I brought my own bag

of tricks with me.

And your little sister wanted

me to bring this in for ya.

Don't worry, I didn't peak.

Miss me?

Like my period.

Reporter showed up, said he

spoke to you specifically.

How in the hell

does that happen?

Change the voicemail

code if you don't want me

responding to, uh,

guest inquiries.

The poor soul.

Alright, any c*ck

ideas you're brewin' up in that

burnt out head of yours, you

dispose of 'em immediately,

and I will consider letting

you stay in my camp, you copy?

Oorah.

You sizzle just

like your momma did.

Any luck with the

traps here, Popsicle?

No, he's too

smart for the traps.

He did take that blouse, though,

but he left the traps untouched.

Sounds like he's

playing with ya.

Sounds like you two need a big

bad wolf after all, don't it?

Should be a pot of boiling water

waiting for you

in the mess hall.

Welcome to the

house made of brick.

Easy there, little piggy.

You may just not

make it out alive.

I just threw up a little bit.

Hey, uh, can you help me out

with some directions, please?

I guess my GPS must be

a generic piece of sh*t.

Sorry, did you say somethin'?

Uh, no.

Hey, what are the chances?

That's actually where I'm

headed, Merrymaker camp ground.

Do you know if

it's close to here?

Why?

Are you one of those freaks

into havin' sex at m*rder sites?

'Cause that's freaky,

out of bounds.

You don't look like a freak.

You must be deeply in touch

with your freakiness, huh?

I wrote the book.

Oh, never mind.

- How much is this?

- 4.72.

Here we go.

Keep the change.

Anything I could

help you with today?

If I keep goin' down the street,

am I gonna hit the

camp ground, yes or no?

Either way, I'd watch my back.

I read the Merrymaker book.

It ain't far from the truth.

We're leaving.

Why does your sister fight?

She likes to hide monstros?

No, she's just a fighter.

She's a monstro.

No, she's just a product

of her environment.

What?

Why'd you no run away?

Because, I made a promise

that I didn't wanna make

a long time ago.

Come on.

Who is that?

I have no idea,

just get outta here.

Whoa, whoa whoa whoa!

I surrender!

I'm unarmed!

Roland Baumgarner!

I'm on the good team!

Poppy, change of plans,

get to the mess hall.

But I thought you said take her?

Just get to the mess

hall, I'll meet you there.

Wow.

Mr. Baumgarner!

You know, I heard you

guys have a camp to reopen,

and could use a famous face.

You're here.

You actually came.

Yeah, well, I was

in the neighborhood,

and figured I'd swing by, if

you have room for one more.

Mom's letter worked?

I always say you are

nothing without your fans.

I just mailed it a few

days ago and I thought,

there's no way...

But it's actually happening.

Oh, my god, it's unbelievable.

This, this is great.

The Merrymaker camp ground.

Hoo!

Any ax-murderers to report?

- Not recently.

- Sorry to hear that.

Maybe we'll have some

baby stew later, then?

Should I just follow you in?

Welcome to Merrymaker

camp, Mr. Baumgarner.

Alright!

Ah!

Hey, hello.

- Penelope Bishop.

- Oh, Roland Baumgarner.

- Pleasure's mine.

- Roland Baumgarner?

Yes, that's me.

The famous author, here?

The one and only, I think, yeah.

- Here, in the flesh.

- Wow.

This is quite a

reception, thank you.

Thank you, well...

What did I say about smoking?

All you need.

You'll respect our rules,

and not subject young

and impressionable...

What fence did

you sneak over in?

Is there mucho more of

you comin' for dinner?

Alright, excuse Burl.

He left his manners

on the cutting floor.

Old habits die hard.

I hope you like your Bambi dead.

Sloppy does.

Inside, campers.

He's funny.

God, I can't

believe you're here.

Wow, well, hello.

Best aperitif in 1,000 miles.

Not only ill*gal, but

known to numb the brain.

Yeah, well, then fill me up.

Bingo.

It's not quite as, uh,

creepy out here as I

thought it would be.

It's dark, quiet

and it's kinda nice.

I don't think I'd be

survivin' out here, though,

you know, so exposed.

At home, I'm roughin' it if

I don't shower twice a day.

No showers, no food.

Survivin' fine, and I

ain't roughin' it, come on.

I like roughin' it a little bit.

Bingo.

Bingo.

Who is miss, uh,

keep to yourself

and say not a word over there?

She doesn't speak good English.

Yeah, and unfortunately,

Lucinda won't be

with us much longer.

Lu-Pi-Ta.

And you lie.

I want to leave now,

away from the monstro.

The monstro?

What did she...

I don't understand.

- Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, my god!

- Help me!

- What the?

What the?

God.

Are you okay?

Oh, my god.

What the f*cking f*ck?

- You f*ck-face liar!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- You're okay.

- I, do I look okay?

- What happened?

- What happened?

I, a very large

beast-like thing,

dragged through the

god damn forest,

and under to its

underground lair!

Whoa.

Call the police!

Because Sirsquatch, he is out

there and he is pissed off!

- Sirsquatch?

- No, don't worry about it.

- Yeah.

- I know this guy.

Yeah, yeah.

- I gave you back your camera.

- With no recordings.

- Where the recordings go?

- Oh, okay, okay, wait, wait.

Everybody just take

a deep breath, okay?

I mean, you must admit that

somethin' got to this kid,

so what's goin' on?

Our friends here are both

fascinated by a supposed.

Bigfoot.

"Supposed?"

- Bigfoot.

- "Supposed?"

"Supposed," my a*s!

- Look at my a*s!

- Whoa!

Why isn't somebody

calling the cops?

Because it's 85 miles

to the nearest station.

We have full legal

jurisdiction here.

Burl, if you please?

Like, it's out of your

jurisdiction, I'd say.

Oh no, please, Burl could

drive them both into town.

There's a clinic and a bus

stop about 25 miles away.

You are hysterical, my friend.

You could have a

closed head wound,

subarachnoid hemorrhaging,

a concussion, maybe you...

I'm hysterical, because of you!

Kiddies, kiddies.

Cool it off, settle down.

The land plays tricks

on you way out here.

Bears look like beasts,

wolf calling something.

- There's no sacrifices.

- Who are you?

He's the reason why you're here.

You're Burl?

In the flesh, darlin'.

You're a wreck.

We'll make you beautiful.

Smoke and a pancake, boy.

Watch it, oh, my god.

I bet that hurts.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

We do get our fair share

of trespassers out here.

Just trying to do our

best amongst the freaks.

Take it from people who have

lived here their whole lives.

There's nothing out there.

There is something in the

woods, but you know this.

Okay, okay, so where is

her camera that she claims

holds possible proof of

the Merrymaker m*rder*r?

No one said that.

Well, we should look at it.

Mm-hm?

Oh, sure, yeah, we'll have a

movie night, it'll be great.

Just one second, excuse me,

um, Penelope, just a moment.

This is, this is...

I must admit, though, my

curiosity is beyond beat.

We agreed to this a

long time ago, Penelope.

- You promised me.

- No we did not agree to this.

In circumstances that

include a maimed reporter,

and a delirious Mexican

girl, things have changed.

What's changed, except

that we're all-systems-go?

Something is

k*lling people, Anita.

And you can say that...

Fine, fine, fine.

You can run away if you need to.

It won't change anything

except everything.

Just remember what happens

at the end of your plan.

Maybe something will gut

me and hang up by a tree,

dance on my bones.

For your sake, I hope that

makes it easier for you

to abandon your legacy.

Okay, campers, we

have a game plan.

You, uh, señorita, are

gonna come with me.

And Mr. Baumgarner, we

set you up in cabin six,

which is between mine

and Anita's cabins.

Alright, but shouldn't we

be watching her tape first?

Oh, you're more than welcome

to look at it if you want,

but her tape's completely blank.

Okay.

Well are you gonna sit there

or are you gonna come inside?

You captured nothing, comprendo?

Nada.

You stay here, Poppy

will be back to get you.

Goodbye, Snoopita.

- There you go.

- Well!

What've we got here?

That's, uh, quite a few beds.

I would shower

tonight, if I were you.

Unless you're scared of walking

in the woods by yourself.

Oh.

Is that you offering

me protection?

What do you guys do around

here for fun, post meridiem?

Oh, Anita reads.

Burl listens to the radio.

I just sit and wait

for the anti meridiem.

I don't sleep much.

Ironic.

With a name like Poppy,

I thought you'd fall right to sleep.

Not even opiates

will help you here.

Anita's cabin's next-door,

if you need anything else.

Um, how are the showers?

Are they like...

They're community.

Everything's community here,

it's kinda like prison,

except without the bars.

It sounds like you're

pumped to be opening back up.

Oh, I just work here.

I'm sure you do more than that.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

I'm sure I will!

Okay.

Vaminos.

What happened to your co-pilot?

Damn shame.

Guess he didn't have

anything to report.

Took off faster than

diarrhea on a baby's butt.

I don't think you'll ever see

his face round here again.

I'm not as confident as you are.

You should be.

I made him an offer

he couldn't refuse.

Good thing you brought

me in, you need me.

I have a proposal for you.

I'm all ears.

Those are my terms.

After I pull my end of the deal,

you grant me a full pardon.

All past indiscretions

you forget.

In this life or the past.

If you deliver.

Whoa, oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you hadn't

come home by now.

No, I haven't done either.

Oh, well, I'll

be outta here in a second.

Why can't you look me in the eye

when you say that?

Um, because I'm not

used to such overt,

look, you could be my student.

But I'm not.

Stop, wait, wait.

What are you hiding down there?

Please stop, I think we

have to stop, I'm married.

Not in this version.

Mommy!

Yeah, honey!

Give me one second,

I'll be right there!

Seems like there's.

Mom!

You're what?

Is Lupita in here with you?

Hey, what...

Copy.

What's happening?

What's going on?

I'm responsible

for you, so get on.

Whoa.

I'm sorry about what

happened last night.

What happens here stays here.

Is that what I think it is?

This is nothing.

Just a little hiccup.

We get our fair share

of skinny-dippers, too.

Who the f*ck would

skinny-dip out here?

Her shorts are shredded, Anita.

Listen.

Your re-opening probably

needs to be canceled.

Don't you agree?

Absolutely not.

This could've been me, Anita.

Yeah, she's right.

Something strange is

goin' on out here.

What is the real story

with that reporter kid?

Who did that to him,

what did that to him?

Everybody calm down, okay?

Mr. Baumgarner, I

will make you deal.

We won't reopen until we find

out exactly what is out there.

So, you're confirming

something is out there.

You've obviously

nothing to be afraid of.

I can confirm that.

You don't even know

what we're tracking.

Or what's tracking us.

I will under no

circumstances confirm

that this is a Bigfoot.

That is pure mythos

and plain stupidity.

Well, whatever it is, it's big.

Let's take a moment,

devise a search plan, copy?

Uh, not copy?

I'm a writer, not

the Grizzly Man.

I'm not going tromping through

the middle of the woods alone.

You won't be alone.

Roland, you come with

me to the g*n barn.

Poppy, go get Burl, we'll

rendezvous at the mess hall.

- And do what?

- 15 minutes.

Copy, 15.

- Be careful.

- Copy, careful.

I bring this life,

given from God above.

Offer it to protect

the ones I love.

If it's needed to take

this away from me,

dear lord,

use the most with courage,

and victory.

I thought you said there was

nothing to be afraid of?

With a collection

like this, there isn't.

Burl left some beauties behind!

Listen, I could

pretend that I'm half

as tough as you

ladies, I'm really not.

You know, I think it might

be best if I just head out,

maybe come back when you

have this all worked out?

Oh, Ro, the party's

just getting started.

Come on.

Hunt with me, Roland.

Get your primal juices flowing.

Make you feel like a

real man, I promise.

Well, my courage, uh,

at this point, is pretty low.

Well, courage is not the

absence of fear, my friend.

It's the action taken

in the face of it.

You know, I could've

been like you.

Yeah, really?

I wanted to be a

doctor, once upon a time.

What happened?

Two teenage girls got m*rder*d

on my family's camp ground.

Buried us in debt,

lawsuits and lies.

Your little book

didn't help much.

After my mom got sick, I

inherited all the people comin'

up here lookin' for the

Merrymaker m*rder*r, breakin' in,

vandalizing property, I've

found more used condoms than...

Your mom, she wrote

like she was such a fan.

Oh, she would k*ll

to be here right now.

I've never really

shot a g*n before, so...

You'll figure it out.

Burl!

Burl, where are you?

Burl.

Burl!

Burl, come in, we need you.

Poppy, come in, please.

Poppy!

What, they've

disappeared now, too?

You think maybe they're

already out lookin' for Lupita?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's

probably where they are.

Okay, I have an idea.

What do we have here?

You little pervert, you.

Ah-roo!

You think she's up there?

Why would she go up there?

It's up there.

Why don't we wait

for "it" to come down?

Yeah!

Why don't you wait here?

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Was that your sister?

I think so.

I don't think just

storming up there and ringing

- the doorbell is a good idea.

- We have g*ns, it doesn't.

Oh, my god.

Holy sh*t.

Holy sh*t!

What the f*ck?

- Roland, hey, listen to me!

- What?

You're okay, you're okay.

There's nothing you

can do for her now.

No, wait, I'm not

going any damn further.

You don't have a

choice, this is it, okay?

You got this, you got this.

Okay.

One.

Two.

Help, run, run!

Run!

It's here!

What the f*ck was that?

What the f*ck?

You're okay, we're okay!

- No, I'm not okay.

- Hey, everybody is okay.

Stop saying that!

Nothing is okay.

Okay?

Your camp is harboring a

wild beast, Bigfoot thing,

that's mauling people

and needs to be k*lled.

You can't have

people staying here.

You're lucky I'm not

threatening to sue your a*s!

Sue us for what?

What can you take from us

that you haven't already?

You just take me back to my car,

so I can get the hell

outta here, okay?

I have a wife and a

child, and another child,

in the real world

to get back to!

Copy that.

sh*t.

No f*cking way.

I'm trapped in my

own god damn book.

Do we have insurance in here?

f*ck you and your

Smokey the Bear Insurance.

You have a serious

f*ck' problem

is what you have, Ranger Bishop.

Now, this is a crime

scene, a m*rder scene,

and you're

accessories to m*rder.

I know you say you're the

law out here, but I think

this has gone to levels beyond

your f*ck' jurisdiction!

Do you realize a Saab

is a vintage classic?

Do you know how much depreciation

value this just cost me?

Mr. Baumgarner, you

like secrets, right?

Yeah, why?

We've been keeping

a little secret from you.

The secret is out, I need

god damn medical attention!

You deserve to know the truth.

The truth, what truth?

Nice drivin', city boy.

Is that Burl wearin' my mask?

The truth is, we're

smarter than you.

Poppy, listen to me.

No matter what happens next,

there is nothing that we

can't get through together.

We're blood.

Oh, Mr. Baumgarner!

Hi!

Welcome to the Merrymaker camp

ground official reopening.

Boy, I do apologize

that things haven't gone

a little bit more smoothly.

We have been dealing with

a little bit of an issue,

these last few months,

and my, oh my, you just

would've thought that all

hell had broken loose, but uh,

luckily, crisis averted.

So, I had Penelope get together

a little something for you.

A little visual aid, so

Penelope, if you please.

Since you got all the credit

for writing down our story,

I thought that you should

at least see the truth.

You know how to

raise this thing, right?

Dude, don't worry about it.

Just film it.

Apparently there's this

camp counselor who eats

babies or something who

lives in that cabin.

I've been double dog

dared and bet five dollars

that I won't go inside of

it, alone, for 10 minutes.

Alone?

That's two dollars a minute,

that's a pretty good deal.

If I gave you $20,

you still wouldn't

go in it, you baby.

- I told you, my number's 100.

- Fine, then stay here.

No, Caitie, come on.

Caitie, it was funny

before, but not anymore.

Caitie.

I thought you weren't

scared of anything?

- You won't do it.

- Oh, yeah?

Watch me.

- Holy crap!

- God, what was it, take this!

I don't know,

there's something in there!

- Violet, come on.

- Hello?

No, Violet, come

on, please, let's just go.

No.

Violet, Violet!

And, the rest,

they say, is history.

Thank you, Poppy.

Boy, I did not think that a

fan letter would get you here.

But when you showed up,

come hell or high water,

I just knew that our

ship had come in.

So, tell me, Mr. B.

How much are the lives

of that cutie-pie wife,

and little bun in the oven

of yours worth to ya, hm?

What about your little girl?

Isabella?

Something really scary

and bad can happen...

Get back!

Go on, bear, go on, bear.

What is he doing?

You can't f*cking bring

that thing in here.

You can't bring

that thing in here!

Signed, sealed and delivered.

As promised.

Get behind me, Poppy.

That is not a Bigfoot.

- It's your brother.

- What?

You heard him, your

brother, not a Bigfoot.

That's, that's Wayne?

That's our Wayne?

But Mom said that he...

Mom lied to ya, sweet pea.

Your mom had a lot of secrets.

What's momma to do?

Not clip the wings

of her baby bird.

Cradle you.

And coddle you in

my arms forever.

No!

Our divine mother

gives us obstacles,

and those obstacles provide

us with the nutrients

of opportunity for the

growth of our species.

You are my challenge!

You are the fruit

of a mother's labor!

Left out to spoil in the sun!

You will rise out of the ashes,

and your scars will be proof

that you cannot be taken down

by mere mortal men!

What in God's name?

Their parents are

already searching for them.

We don't have much

time, I need you, baby.

If I'm to keep this

place going, I need you.

I need you to be strong for me.

This'll just be

our secret, okay?

Okay?

Now, I need you, I need

you to get that bear

that you shot that's

still in the walk-in.

I need you to bring me his paw.

You got to be quick.

Wayne?

Wayne.

Wayne, it's me.

It's Pop tart.

Calm down, calm down.

You're okay, you're okay.

Time to take the armor off.

You and me both, okay, bear?

Can you be brave for me, bear?

It's okay, bear.

It's okay.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby.

This off now, let

you see what the

real world looks like.

You k*lled those

two girls, Wayne?

Wayne.

And that camper girl?

Those are innocent

people, Wayne.

Who's innocent?

The boy's handicapped!

He's not a boy,

he's a grown a*s man,

and if you ask me, you're just

as much to blame as he is,

so I would shut

it, if I were you!

He's never hurt you, has he?

Let him be.

You wanna wipe the slate clean?

Yeah.

He can't be here anymore.

Either you do it, or I will.

You got your orders.

He is what will always

be great about humanity.

No matter how deep

the sh*t gets...

His spirit is undying.

God damn national monument.

Come here, bear.

I swore to your momma I'd protect

ya until your last breath.

I can't let 'em take

you away in chains, boy.

Y'all ain't even

my f*cking kids.

Jesus f*ck, Annie!

Burl and I had unfinished

business I just finished.

I am done with

this f*cking sh*t!

I am done with your

f*cking schemes!

I'm out, okay?

Just try and hold

it together, Penelope!

Okay?

We're almost done here.

Now, kindly remove the

gag from Mr. Baumgarner,

and we can get down to

business, do you understand?

You crazy b*tches.

I've always wanted to ask

you something, Mr. Baumgarner.

Face to face.

You never camped here.

You don't know us.

So, our family, our

story, our history,

was that just

about money to you?

What's wrong with money?

Nothing's wrong with money,

we love money.

This little adventure that

we are currently engaged in

is entrepreneurial in nature.

I bet this was so cute.

Oh, yeah, babe.

You have no idea how

deep inside of you I am.

Every man has to answer

for his sins, Roland.

f*ck, just as Burl.

What about Burl?

What about Burl?

Pictures and the laptop, please.

Oh, thank you.

I realize there needs

to be incentives

for both parties for a deal.

Yeah, us backward folk,

we got lots of cousins,

like cousin Kara?

She thinks you're

gross, by the way.

So, what do you say, Roland?

Shall we commence with the

first official business

transaction for the newly

reopened Merrymaker camp ground?

- Transaction?

- Mm-hm!

6523343013, know that number?

Yeah, that one just

happens to be my fave.

I'm gonna need

the password, hon.

The password is blow me, b*tch.

I need that money

to get out of here,

so you're gonna

f*cking cooperate.

Or we can do this the I'm

your biggest fan misery way.

It's totally up to you, but

I really don't wanna have to

go after the wife and the kids

and the white picket fence.

I'm f*ck' tired, Ro.

Double one, three, oh.

Isabella.

What is this?

What is it?

There's got to be another

account or something, right?

Is this where you need to

put the minimum balance, or...

I thought you said that

this was hundreds of thousands

- of dollars?

- Just shut up, Penelope.

You wrote a best-seller,

10 million copies sold.

Where's the money, Roland?

Who do you think I am?

Steven f*cking King?

I've written one book.

From which the distribution

takes a cut, agent fees,

manager fees, f*cking

attorney fees, all plus tax!

Oh, my god, this is pathetic.

No, what's pathetic is that

my wife makes the real money.

- If it wasn't for her...

- Wait!

He f*cking writes a new book.

What?

We just gave him

the perfect story.

He survived a Bigfoot attack!

You do need a hit, Roland,

be good for your ego.

And apparently the Bigfoot

is very popular right now.

Yeah, he writes a Bigfoot book,

he gets to live, and the

checks start coming in,

like from donors or something,

and we never have to

f*cking see him again.

Oh, Poppy.

This is turning out so

much better than I planned.

Okay!

With a down payment

today, of course.

So, uh, Mr. Baumgarner.

I would like to be the first

to thank you for your generous,

albeit paltry 18,000 dollar

donation to the Merrymaker

camp grounds memorial

and conservation fund.

So, about how long, just

ballpark, do you think

it's gonna take to whip out a

first draft of this new book?

Just sh**t me.

Ah.

That would be what's referred

to as a bad business decision.

Do we have a deal or what?

Do I have a choice?

No.

Three months, no

more than 300 pages.

I could live with that.

And you're gonna live with that.

Okay, that is a deal.

Deal.

What do you

say we untie the man?

Alright.

Take it easy gettin' up out

of the chair there, Ro-Ro.

Probably smart a bit.

Oh, f*ck.

Come on, bud, you're not a hero.

Just shut up, okay?

Or I will blow your

f*cking t*ts off,

and burn this sh*t heap to

the ground, so help me god.

That's a tranq g*n, you doof.

Is that right, Pops?

Ah, you stay right there.

Now, give me the keys

of your f*cking truck.

Okay?

Roland, you got nothing.

I would not be so quick

to rush home to the wife,

if I were you.

If I were you, I'd

go f*ck yourself.

And by the way, no deal.

No f*cking Bigfoot deal.

Bigfoot is so played out.

I really don't think

that you are considering

the ripples that these

actions will take.

Oh, I have thought

about the ripples.

I'm gonna k*ll you,

but before I k*ll you,

I'm gonna answer your

f*cking question.

You wanna know why

I chose this place?

It's because people

in the real world

don't give a f*ck

what happens out here.

That's why it's called the

middle of f*ck' nowhere, okay?

Whatever you say, doesn't

f*cking mean sh*t in my world.

So, yeah, the answer is yes.

You and your f*cked up camp

and your f*cked up family

paid for my dream house, now

give me the f*cking keys,

so I can get the

f*ck home, okay?

The f*cking keys, now.

That's right.

Oh, sh*t.

You stay right there.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

No, shh, baby.

Oh!

What happened to you?

Who did this to you?

Shh, shh.

Baby, what happened?

Tell me.

Roland.

Look at me, baby, what

happened, what happened?

Who did this to you?

Ro, who did this to you?

I was attacked.

By who?

Roland?

Who did this to you?

Who?

Bigfoot.

Honey, look at me, look at me.

- Kara.

- Oh, hi, Christine.

Um, is Roland around?

No, he's not home right now.

Okay, um, is he okay?

I heard he was attacked or...

He's doing much

better now, thank you.

But he resigned

from the university.

Are you guys moving?

That's exciting, where to?

Is there something I

can help you with, Kara?

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, I was cleaning my

apartment, and found this.

I figured you should

probably want it back.

- Mystery solved, thank you.

- Yeah.

Well, you know, whatever happens,

I hope at least inspires,

you know, some good writing,

he's a good teacher.

Well, I'll

let him know you stopped by.

Yeah, I mean,

he always told me to take my

work really seriously, so...

I thought all work and no

play makes Ro-Ro a dull boy?

I'm sorry, did I startle you?

What, what's this?

- It's the missing key.

- I know, where'd you find it?

Kara had it.

Oh.

I didn't know you gave her one.

I didn't.

When did she

come by, when'd you see her?

So, um, Penguin called.

And, uh, offered me an

assistant editor position,

and I've agreed to take it.

Contingent that they publish

my first attempt at a novel.

That's what this is.

Oh my, honey, that's amazing.

Why didn't you tell me before?

'Cause I just recently

figured out how to end it.

You know all horror

stories end the same way.

You got to k*ll the

monster, right?

This is huge, I

can't wait to read it.

It's gonna be your

first big hit.

Well, let's not get

ahead of ourselves here.

I know I keep saying it, but,

maybe this whole thing was

really a blessing in disguise.

No pain, no gain, right?

If you believe

that kind of thing.

What'd you find to write

about that was so horrifying?

All kinds of things I wish

I didn't know about you.

Oh, no.

♪ Ghosts on the hills ♪

♪ Weirdos on the boulevard ♪

♪ Kissin' goodbye to

their vanishing dreams ♪

♪ As their life

is blowing apart ♪

♪ Fall out ♪

♪ In a bar brawl estate ♪

♪ Fall out ♪

♪ In a colorful haze ♪

♪ For every shadow ♪

♪ There's a different ♪

♪ A different story ♪

♪ For every shadow ♪

♪ There's a different ♪

♪ A different story ♪

♪ A million dollars ♪

♪ Actors on the screen ♪

♪ You would give your life

for a place in their sheets ♪

♪ But you'll never

cure your fears ♪