04x09 - Smart Appliances Stupid Owners

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[electronic warbling]

[soft tropical music playing]

[female voice] Okay.
Yes, let me introduce myself. Um...

Hi. I'm a thermostat,

and, look, I know these two
don't like each other too much, okay?

Oh. Ow. [dings]

Dual climate zones!
You ever heard of it?

It's not a problem.
It's literally what I'm designed to do.

- [footsteps approaching]
- Oh, okay. [dings]

Now I know what it feels like
to be the kid stuck in a divorce

ferrying messages between two parents.

Ugh. [dings]

Oh my God. Again.

You know what?
Winter gets pretty cold here.

If they want passive-aggressive,
just wait until it gets below freezing.

[softly] I'll show them
passive-aggressive.

[mellow rock music playing]

[man yawning]

When used as directed,

I clear 99.9% of all the plaque

that builds up
on the surfaces of your teeth.

When used as directed, Chad.

And I don't mean like a light wave
in the general vicinity of your mouth

once a week.

No one wants to kiss him.

The toaster has sympathy for the bread
that has to enter this guy's mouth.

Even the dog "nopes" the hell out.

And that thing licks buttholes, okay?

And then he goes to the dentist,

and when they tell him his gums
look worse than a rabid coyote's,

he just plays innocent. He's like,
"W... well, how? I brush every day."

Don't make me party to your lies, Chad.

f*cking floss, man.

You have bacon in there from 1996.

[mysterious music playing]



[shutter clicks]

I see meth heads lurking in the woods,
waiting for her to leave.

What does she think the first damn thing
they'll type into my keypad is? [laughs]

When she gets robbed,
when she gets robbed,

I'm just gonna ask
if they'll take me with them.

[dramatic sting, music fades]

[farting]

- [toilet flushing]
- [rock music playing]

This dude eats a lot of lentils.
I mean, a lot.

You know what it is?
He thinks I'm deodorizing his house.

Understand this.

I just take dust and particles
out of the air, bro.

That's what I do. I don't do methane.

Here's my question.
How do you get used to that smell?

And I'm asking you honestly.

I mean, at what point
can you just ignore

that you're constantly
leaking out a greenhouse gas?

Let me tell you something.
If he ever lights a candle in here,

we are all going to die.

[slow jazzy music playing]

I have six customizable pulse settings.

[inhales] Mist, rain, shower,
full-body massage,

pulsating massage,
and ultra-power pulsating massage.

The other appliances tell me
she hasn't had a date in four years,

but I... You know, I just...
I just want to clean people.

I mean, I'm sorry about her dating
life, okay? I... I... I really am.

But I would prefer
to keep it professional.

I just want to be
frien... Oh... Oh, okay.

[muffled sputtering and muttering]

[machine g*ns blasting in background]

I've never been out of this cabinet.

I was a housewarming
gift from his parents

when he got his first apartment
at 42 years old.

He plays video games
and smokes weed all day.

It's pretty much all he does.

The other appliances will confirm he's
never cooked a thing in his kitchen.

Ever.

Yeah.

My only hope of getting out of here
is if someone or something swipes right.

[machines g*ns continue blasting]

Oh my God.

I'm gonna die a waffle virgin.

Holy sh*t.

[TV host] The chefs started out
with the goal of wowing our judges

using the ingredients
in their mystery baskets.

Now only two remain...

I'm sworn to secrecy.

That's all I'll say.

Except this.

When I'm working,
she likes to watch episodes of Chopped.

Honey! Don't ask me why.

I don't even guess why.

I'm a sex toy, not a therapist.

I'd rather watch Squid Game,
but let's not get into my kinks.

[mariachi music playing]

Why would anyone even think
to give a toilet intelligence?

What horrible person would do that?

Was I like Stalin
in a past life or something?

- [electronic chime]
- Oh God.

The refrigerator just told me
it's taco night,

and Brenda's making them extra spicy.

Please just k*ll me now.

Maybe I'll come back as a showerhead
or something. Yeah, that'd be fine.

[music fades]

[flies buzzing]

Let me guess.

The Toilet was whining to you
about how hard life is.

[cat meows]

That's adorable.

[cat meows]

[feces splatters]

[funky electronic music playing]

[music ends]

[electronic warbling]

[slow jazzy music playing]

- [water spraying]
- [Shower Head muttering and groaning]

[muffled muttering continues]

[muffled counting]

[muffled groaning, cries out]

[sustained muffled groaning]

[sputters, gasps]

[music fades]