01x11 - Road Trip

[bunniefuu]

Hey, babe.

Well, hi there, mister!

You're out of rehearsal early.

You bet. No way I was gonna work late,

not today of all days.

Oh! Got you a little something.

Oh, Larry, that's so sweet.

What's this?

It's a Jimi Hendrix wig.

Today's his birthday, hello.

Oh, don't tell me you forgot.

Hey, you made monkey chicken cheese ba*ls!

You know, Kate, Jimi wasn't just a rocker.

He was a poet and a visionary.

It's important on this special day

to stop and remember how happy I am that he came into my life.

These are a little dry.

Kate, I'm sorry!

They're both on the same day.

I just get confused.

I promise you, I'll never forget our anniversary again!

You look just like Jimi.

No, you look just like Jimi.

You don't look like Jimi, and you don't look like Jimi.

You look like Jimi.

Don't matter who looks like Jimi, 'cause I rock it like Jimi.

Hey, Kate, wait up.

I'm getting some unwanted hair removed.

Do you want to come with?

Boy, I'd love to, Britney,

but Larry left me a note saying to meet him at the Watering Hole.

It's our anniversary, and I think he wants to do something nice to make up for last year.

Acting funny, but I don't know why

Excuse me while I kiss the sky...

Hey, babe, what are you doing here?

Incoming.

The ladies love Jimi, right?

So, what's up?

Nothing. Not a thing.

See ya, boys. Oh!

What's Kate's problem?

She just doesn't get Hendrix.

I remember this happened last year on his birthday,

and we ended up having a big fight.

What was it about?

She made this really nice dinner,

candles on the table, got her hair done...

- Oh, God!
- What?

Today's my anniversary, I forgot it again!

I got to get home!

Gentlemen, get me out of these pants.

Bright light city's gonna set my soul

Gonna set my soul on fire

I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn

So get those stakes up higher

I'm gonna give it everything I got

Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot

Let me sh**t a seven with every shot

Hey, viva Las Vegas

Viva Las Vegas

Viva... Viva...

Las Vegas.

Okay, let's play 20 questions.

I've got one.

Is it Marlene Dietrich?

Uh. No.

Is it Marisa Tomei?

All right, it's Marlene Dietrich!

Uh, strudel's ready.

I am feeling the spa weekend at our country estate

will be a big hit with the lady felines.

How could it not be?

Little Bavaria is all decked out,

and we have booked Nevada's premier funkadelic oompah band.

Strudel! It's burning my thighs!

Idiot! You'll k*ll us!

Mein Gott. That was close.

Keep your hands at ten und two.

Kate, honey?

I am so sorry, but we can still have a great night, sweetheart.

Too late, cupcake.

She went with Siegfried and Roy to Little Bavaria for the weekend.

What?!

But it's our anniversary!

I can't believe I forgot it again!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You got a lot of stuff to remember every day.

Chew, chew, sleep, crap.

Yeah? Well, I'm going after her!

What do you think you're doing?

I have to get to Little Bavaria.

I got to see Kate before midnight.

You can't just leave the compound!

Watch me, old man.

Security breach, sector J-7.

Come on. Follow me.

- Where're we going?
- You'll see.

Help me move this.

Holy cow.

Yup. This tunnel leads to a grate in the desert about three miles from here.

I don't know how to thank you. This is...

Uh, what are you doing?

We got a sweet gig here.

If you get caught, you're gonna q*eer the deal for all of us.

Making it across the desert at night takes cunning and guile,

qualities God has withheld from you to an almost cruel degree.

Wow. Seeing you in a hole in the ground reminds me of this dream I keep having.

Hello, ladies. Welcome to your much-deserved relaxing, getaway weekend.

Wunderspa!

As I speak these words with my mouth,

an outrageous oompah band with an urban flavor is on its way,

und in a little while, you will feel much entertainment from a sexy jaguar.

Very sexy.

He might even give you married gals paws.

Get it, paws?

Und pause?

Like when you stop speaking?

Yes, explain it more. That will make it funny.

Mmm, jaguars.

High maintenance, but when they're running well, meow.

- Right, Kate?
- Hmm? What's that?

I was making a dirty metaphor.

Try to pay attention.

I'm just so angry at Larry.

You know, Kate, in Leviticus it says

"tend to thy field that it may bear fruit."

- Do you know what that means?
- No.

Then you'll probably burn in hell.

Buenas noches, ladies.

I am Javier, the Haguar.

Oh, my goodness.

How about some music that will make you want to hump?

Excuse me?

You know, hump, hump. I am humping.

Oh! Jump.

Exactamente. Hump.

It gets me in the mood for humping.

You know what? The heck with Larry.

Why shouldn't I have some fun?

Come on, ladies. Don't herk me around.

Let's get higgy with it!

Come on, come on, we've only got four hours,

and we got a long way to go.

Wow, my first time outside the compound.

Hey, if we see a McDonald's, I heard about this thing called the McGriddle.

One of those shamrock shakes.

Are they in season?

Shut it. Okay, first stop, that coyote hangout.

We'll grab some water and be on our way.

Wow, man. The colors, man.

Watch your wallet.

A lot of lowlifes in this place.

There's, like, colors, man.

Stay here. I'm gonna go fill my canteen.

Is sexy, no?

You want to dance with her?

- Come on!
- Maybe you like them young?

She has a sister who's only 100.

Stay focused.

Hey, Destiny.

We need to get in and out of here fast.

Hey, you two, I'm guessing you guys aren't from around here.

My name's Tommy.

Do you need a guide?

No, we're all set.

I know all the good shortcuts.

Really? Can you get us to Little Bavaria in four hours?

Yeah, I love it.

You, me, the 90-year-old Boy Scout.

That is a canteen, right, and not a bag for number two?

I'm kidding. I'm throwing these snappers out right and left.

Some of 'em are gold. Some of 'em aren't.

We don't need a guide. I got it covered.

We don't have a lot of time, and this guy knows shortcuts.

I like him. You're hired.

Awesome.

Right this way, gents.

Hey, listen, every cool trip starts out with nicknames.

How 'bout you be Slim?

That's good, you know, 'cause you're not. You're fat.

And you'll be Flapjack.

That's hilarious, 'cause it's another word for pancake.

All right, two for two!

Oh, this is not good.

I'm freaking out, man!

Derrick, calm down.

Now, how long ago did you lick me?

How do you like my pleasure dance, pretty lady?

You have some nice moves yourself, but you are so sad.

Why is this? ¿Por qué?

Oh, it's my husband.

Why does he have to forget our anniversary every year?

Let Javier erase that forgotten anniversary

with a night you will never forget.

Aah! What are you doing?!

Why, I am pleasing you.

That is what Javier is for.

I'm married.

But he forgot your anniversary.

Is that what you think?!

One fight with my husband, and I'm going to flop on my back and throw my legs in the air?!

Well, there are many different positions. Javier has written a book.

It has very nice pictures.

Aah! Get your paws off me!

You mean my pleasure sticks?

Ooh, and stop doing that!

Stop calling everything your "pleasure" something.

It's ridiculous.

Uh-huh. What you need is a Javier pleasure massage.

Are you that dense?

The last thing I would ever do is hook up with a sleazy, pathetic, oversexed playboy!

Can this be true?

Am I hust a higolo?

This guy is unbelievable.

We're flying.

How's it going up there, Tommy?

Right as rain, Slim.

I'm not seeing anything familiar.

What'd you say there, Flapjack?

Are you sure we're going the right way?

Flappy J, I feel like you and I have, you know, clicked.

We've bonded on, like, on a deep level, and I'm gonna...

lay my cards on the table with you 'cause I feel comfortable.

- We're lost.
- We're what?

You know, I must have got so caught up in our good vibe that I lost the way.

This has never happened to me before.

I bet you've said that to the ladies a few times, huh, F-Jack?

See, our situation is dire, but I'm still puttin' out the hits.

Oh my God! It's after 10:00!

We're not gonna make it!

Great choice on a guide, champ.

I should never let you make a decision.

It's like letting a drunk child operate farm equipment.

Drunk child.

Guy with the poo-bag startin' to come back a little bit.

Hey, isn't Little Bavaria near the airport?

Planes are heading in that direction.

Let's go.

Hey, you guys got any rolling papers?

We could twist up a fatty and turn this mother out.

He knows!

No chance.

Last time I puffed that stuff, I freaked out, then woke up spooning Robert Goulet.

Don't judge me. He made me feel safe.

Javier, I was kind of hoping for a pleasure massage.

No.

Kate's words have destroyed Javier.

I have met a woman I cannot a pleasure, and so I can pleasure no woman ever again.

I haven't been this sad since my sister hoined Hews for Hesus.

Our shindig is a bust. The cats are just moping around,

even the hardcore party girls.

The only thing that can save us now is the hip-hop oompah band.

Where are they?

Siegfried and Roy

Hello. I am Roy.

Oh, mein Gott!

Stop telling my ears what you are saying.

You must get here!

Roy, what is it?

The oompah bus broke down.

They may not make it.

What are we going to do?

Servant person!

There has been some bad news, and I am dizzy.

Faint for me.

Whoa, that Mexican stuff is harsh.

Oh, hey, look, guys, I'm going to make it rain.

On the soul train

It rhymes. Look at me.

Don't worry, we'll hose him on the tip.

Ah, at least it's a nice night.

Look at that moon.

Yeah. Kate would love this.

Before Kate was born, her mother and I used to sneak out of the compound

and go hiking on nights like this.

She was crazy about the outdoors.

I wish I could've met her.

She was a hell of a woman.

Dude, I was thinking about stuff,

and why do they call you Slim, man?

'Cause you're fat.

Hey, I haven't seen any planes in half an hour. Where are we?

I'm not sure.

Hey, neither of us know where we're going, but remember, man,

it's not about the destination.

It's all about the journey.

It's totally about the destination!

Yeah. Actually, why wouldn't it be?

Hey, what are all these holes?

This is awesome, man.

Poisonous snake holes.

Wait, we're all going to die!

Would you shut your trap?

I'm bit! I'm bit! Oh, my God, Sarmoti!

Dude, you totally attacked that snake's mouth with your a*s.

You're a hero, Flappity Jiz-ack.

Shut up! What are we going to do?

Well, uh, you know, somebody's got to suck out the venom.

He's right. Just do it. Quick!

Uh, I don't know.

Tommy, you want to take a run at this?

Hey, listen, if this were ten years ago in New York, I'd be all over it,

but, uh, I got a thing.

Tell you what, you do that, and I'm going to go look for some firewood.

Come on. If you don't do it, I'm going to die!

And-and is that so bad?

Let's make the most of the time we have left...

Just do it.

Uh... it's too quiet.

Make some noise.

I like New York in June

How about you?

I like a Gershwin tune

How about you?

I love a fireside when a storm is due

{\i1 \c&H30D3F4&}I like potato chips, moonlight motor trips

How about you?

I can't take it anymore!

I ain't poisonous.

I'm just screwing with you!

You did it again. Please tell me somebody was videotaping that.

Look at me.

Because you're too brain-dead to remember an anniversary,

I'm lost in the desert, snakes are using me for target practice,

and I've got a guide who couldn't find his own rear end if it had a flag in it.

I accept that challenge.

Who has a small-to medium-sized flag?

We're never going to make it now.

I come and try to help you, but you're beyond help.

What a waste of time.

And by that, I mean your birth.

Enough! You think I like being stuck out here?

You think this is fun for me?

No. Fun for you is making crazy faces with your stomach fat.

Now you're insulting my hobby?

You are unbelievable.

The only reason you came out here is 'cause you love watching me screw up!

Giving me crap is your main pleasure in life.

You think I came because of you, you self-centered little pisher?

Listen, I missed my last anniversary because I was working.

I told my wife I'd make it up to her next year,

but two months later, she was gone,

and there were no more next anythings.

Oh. I'm sorry. I-I didn't know.

Regardless of how I feel about you,

my daughter should be with her husband on her anniversary.

Now it's not going to happen.

Yeah.

Guys, guys, look, I found it!

Little Bavaria's over that ridge! Whoo-hoo!

You're kidding! Let's go!

Well, well, well, I'm not such a lousy guide after all.

Please hold your applause until after I show you...

...an impassable superhighway.

Hmm. Good thing we're all wasted.

Let's go for it!

Nice going, Kate. Thanks for ruining our weekend.

You broke Javier. You have to fix him.

Okay, I'll go talk to him.

Tell him the good news.

Hey, Javier, listen, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

I feel so sad inside.

It's as if my male parts were not as higantic as they really are.

Javier has never met a woman he could not please.

But, Javier, that's where you're wrong.

What do you mean?

See, my husband can be a complete idiot, and I'm really mad at him right now,

but meeting a lecherous creep like you,

well, it makes me realize I could've done much, much worse.

So, then I have pleased you.

Yes.

You are a true friend to have told Javier this.

Your friendship is rare.

I shall treasure it.

Kate, may I mount you?

Crap. Look at all those cars.

Yeah, and the Celine Dion concert just let out, so they're angry, too.

Kate's never going to forgive me.

Oh, yeah, man, she's probably rocking it with some hot dude right now,

and who could blame her?

Hey, remember when I ran towards the traffic? That was awesome.

Oh, my God.

I suddenly have the urge to chug a beer and chase around a heavyset bar wench.

That's oompah music.

"Chocolate Lightning and the Glockenspiel Five"?

Yeah. Used to be the Glockenspiel Six, but Gunter had a heart attack on the dumper.

There's only one place they could be going in the middle of the night:

Siegfried and Roy's.

We got to get on that bus.

All right, all right, you German crackers, let's crank up that oompah jam.

From the top.

Zwei, drei, vier, uh!

It's leaving. What do we do?

Somebody's got to slow down that bus while we hop on back.

Gentlemen, you know the scene in every movie

where the guy who's been screwing up all along steps up, and he redeems himself?

This is that scene.

Stop.

Let's run for it!

All right, all right, let's get busy, yo. Kick it.

Oh yeah, and that's that pump it, pump the jam right there!

It's midnight. Go! Go!

Putz.

Larry, what the...?

Happy anniversary.

Technically, I did bean you before midnight.

What are you doing here?

I came to say I'm sorry.

Marrying you was the greatest thing that ever happened to me,

and I don't know why I'm such an idiot sometimes.

But you know you'll always be my... Foxy lady.

Foxy!

How did you get me pregnant twice?

Ja! Go, Chocolate, go, Chocolate!

- Anyway, I'm an idiot, and if you...
- Larry, stop.

You coming all the way out here was amazing.

Then it was worth it.

All right, I guess I'm out of here, Flapjack.

No, I'm Slim.

Uh... not really. Whoa!

Siegfried and Roy really hook you guys up here. Nice life, huh?

Yeah, they take pretty good care of us.

I guess I'll get rolling back to the cold, harsh, unforgiving desert.

It's lonely, but I'll always have the wind.

Scirocco.

Wait. I have an idea.

Just sit here and look adorable.

Is someone here with cake and delights?

Could it be?

This desert creature is the spitting image of my beloved boyhood companion,

Hexe, the wolf-dog.

I was a prince, and Hexe was my unicorn.

We ran! We flew!

We knew no boundaries!

It is fate that has brought you here to me.

Oh, well, nice of you to drop by. Good night.

Or, if you like, you could come and spend the rest of your life by my side.

What size bathing suit do you wear?

I'll see you at home.

She looked happy. Good.

You know, Larry, you did the right thing.

Maybe you're not such an idiot after all.

Thanks, Sarmoti.

What a trip. I don't think I'll be forgetting my anniversary anytime soon.

Excuse me, Larry,

is your lovely wife Kate at home?

Yeah, I guess.

Good.