01x00 - Original Pilot

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, guys.
- Sup, Lar. Heading to the show?

Not yet.
Gotta catch my pre-show nap.

- Hey, Chutney.
- Namaste, Larry.

Little Lulu lies lovingly.
Little Lulu lies lovingly.

Larry? Lar?

Hey, Roger.

I love it, Roger. But they
don't have orangutans in the show.

Then I guess
I should never try anything.

Watch out! Hold on!

Oh, my God.
Come on, you pastel freak.

Put the beak away,
let's talk about this.

Oh, look, my 500-pound friend
with razor-sharp claws.

- Hold still!
- Vincent, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

Snack was supposed
to score me five pounds of shrimp.

I had a little problem.

Little problem?
All I got was cherry tomatoes.

What, you think you can jerk me
around just 'cause I'm pink?

Let's all have a big laugh.
Pink guy's eating itty-bitty tomatoes.

Vincent, cool it. This isn't about
color, so don't play the pink card.

You owe me, gopher.

Till then, you's both is on my list.
Capisce?

- Hey, baby, how you doing?
- Get lost.

Thanks, buddy. Hey, check out my
belly button. I'm using it as a pocket.

Shrimp?

Not now, Snack. It's naptime.

Good idea. Stay beautiful, big man.

Bye, Dad.

- Where do you think you're going?
- Out.

Jenna's stuck-up
older sister is in heat.

We're gonna watch her
lower her standards.

You know how we always told you
you could tell us anything?

- Yeah?
- We're done with that.

Sorry, you gotta babysit Hunter
while Mom and I are at the show.

Come on, Dad.
He can take care of himself.

Besides, his rash grosses me out.

You'll never catch me, General Zinulax.

Hey, buddy. He's all yours.

Hunter, catch.

Oh, I missed you
so much today, honey.

Larry! What are you doing here?

Based on your tone,
I'm guessing the wrong thing.

You were supposed to pick up my dad.
You have to walk him to the show.

Is that today?

Yeah, remember,
I have a photo sh**t for that calendar.

Come on, Kate! I know
your dad's old and all, but...

Larry, it's not because he's old.
It's just his pre-show ritual.

He likes to be escorted to the stage.

What about my pre-show ritual?
It goes like this:

I got an idea. How about you get
your dad and I'll do the photo sh**t?

It's an all-female lion calendar.

- Miss July?
- Come on, Larry.

- It'll mean a lot to him.
- Kate, this might come as a shock,

but your father and I broke up.

I don't love him anymore.

Larry, please? Just do it for me.

Fine, fine.

I haven't heard his lecture
about Africa in about 48 hours now.

- Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Goodbye.

I was talking to the couch.

Sarmoti. Sarmoti?

Who's that? Who's that?

- Larry.
- Larry?

Yeah.

I thought you were some kind of
whacked-out hippy gonna m*rder me.

- No, not me.
- No, not you.

You have a different approach.
You married my daughter.

- You're k*lling me slowly.
- Good one.

Well, we gotta get to the show.

Yes, the show. Big celebrity
in the crowd tonight.

Larry, let me ask you a question.

Do you sense the excitement
on a night like this,

way back there in the chorus
with the less talented animals?

Not really.

The last time I sensed excitement
was that time we couldn't wake you up.

You know, when I grew up in Africa,

I didn't crack wise to my elders.

But what would you know?
You're zoo trash.

You spent your youth in a zoo
while I... I spent mine

roaming the grasslands, hunting
wildebeest, surviving by my wits,

all the while dreaming
of a country called America

and its glittering crown jewel:
Las Vegas.

Huh, when did I have salmon?

Oh, look, the white tigers
are heading over to the stage.

I should say hello.

- We really need to get going.
- Hey, stripers.

Lazy throw rug-looking wastes of fur!

- You do bupkis in the show.
- Bite me.

I'll come out there right now
and move you up eight notches

on the endangered species list.

- Okay, now I'm ready.
- Finally.

What's your rush?

I was just thinking maybe
you need some time to stretch.

I noticed you grazed the hoop
last night on your final jump.

- What are you saying, I'm old?
- No, I just...

Feel these haunches! Spring-loaded!

- No, I'm... I'm good.
- Feel 'em!

- I'd rather not.
- Do it!

Don't touch me, fruit cup.
Point is, I'm as strong as ever.

See you at the show.

Thank you, thank you.

- I, of course, am Siegfried.
- And I am Roy.

After being away for so long,

these last few weeks of being back
performing for you here in Las Vegas

have been wonderful. Right, Siegfried?

Please accompany us now
as we travel to the mystical land

of the pharaohs and pyramids.

And burn 'em.

Oh, my God, they're gonna die!

Siegfried and Roy are gonna die!

Wow, Courtney Thorne-Smith
has a great living room.

Yeah.

Courtney. I licked her calves
in a ginger ale ad once.

Something chorus boys never get to do.

Okay. Marbles, polish.
Tinkles, glug-glug.

Ginger, tushie.

God, I love this business.

Thank you. We are fine.

In fact, it was Siegfried
and I who doused the flames,

putting out the fire
which was burning.

And now, we must stop
and be very proud

to be introducing
to you our special guest:

The Vice Principal
for the United States, d*ck Cheney.

Cheney? It's like the tenth time.

And now, here they are,
the magical white lions!

Keep your eyes
on the old pro tonight, cupcake.

I've got something
really special planned.

And now, the original white lion
it all began with,

the star of our show,
the Great Sarmoti!

And now we take to the air
to delight you from above.

We did this before E.T.

Watch this, Larry.

- He defies the gravity...
- What is he doing?

He's not supposed
to be on the ball!

- Dad!
- Roy, the kitty!

- He is out of position!
- What? My hairpiece!

Later, chief!

Larry.

This would not have happened
if you had flown your bicycle higher,

- further up, away from the ground.
- Oh, it is the flying?

No! It is your training of the kitty,
yes! That is my conclusion.

You know what I am conclusioning?
That you are hurtful to my person.

That's it!
I am disappearing myself to my room!

Enough of the weeping.

It is time for the drying of our eyes
and the doing of something.

We must do a change of the situation.

I'm sorry, Kate, but admit it.
The whole thing was pretty hysterical.

It was not. It was horrible.

Did you see the look
on Siegfried's face?

Achtung, the lion, he is bald!

Larry, did you hear the news?
Sarmoti is out of the show.

That old b*stard is outta here!

Hello, Kate.

What's happening now?

Simba was sad, and then Darth Vader
said some made-up African crap.

It's not fair.

- Father doesn't deserve this.
- Right.

There wouldn't even be a show
without him. He is the show.

- Absolutely.
- Oh, my God. You're glad this happened.

- What are you talking about?
- You've got happy tail.

I do not. See?

You're pathetic.

Come here.

I don't believe you.

Forgive me if I'm not as upset as you.
Your dad's always hated me.

- That's not true.
- First time I met him,

I try to be polite, I go
to sniff his bottom, he sprays me.

- That was an accident.
- He ran after me backwards

shouting "Take a shower, hippy."

Admit it, Kate.
In his eyes, I'm zoo trash.

I'm never gonna be showbiz royalty
like you and him.

- You're missing the point.
- You're missing the point.

Your dad's losing it.
He screwed up tonight. Bad.

Siegfried and Roy
absolutely made the right call.

You know what?
You win, Larry. My dad's old.

Why don't we sh**t him
full of tranquilizers

and push him in the dolphin pool?

Dad, are we gonna k*ll Grandpa?

Come here.

All your shrimp's right here, Vincent.
Five pounds, icy cold.

Beautiful. Hey, wait a minute.

There's only three shrimp here.
Three shrimp do not make five pounds.

Everything contracts when it's cold.

I've seen you coming out of the pool,
and I know you know what I mean.

- You're dead, you rat b*stard!
- Rat b*stard?

I'm a gopher,
and my daddy married my mama.

- Hey, come here!
- Snack, we got to talk.

- I'm here for you, big man. What's up?
- Tip of the cap to Sarmoti, Larry.

Or should I say, tip of the rug?

Total jackass. Pity laugh.

- So, what's going on?
- Kate's mad at me.

I heard. Here's the problem.
You were right about Sarmoti,

but you picked
the wrong time to be right.

- But I am right.
- It doesn't matter.

Your play in this situation, Larry, is
to set aside your feelings for her dad

and just be there for her.
She needs you, man.

Since when do you know
so much about women?

Well, Larry, I find
that if you really listen to women,

you can pick up on important clues

that allow you to be truly sensitive
to their emotional needs.

Snack, honey,
are you gonna be done soon?

Woman, can't you see I'm talking?

Man, I hate seeing Kate so upset.

Damn! If I could just get
Sarmoti his job back.

Bold thinking, my chunky friend.

I got it. What you need
is someone who can talk to Roy.

And I don't like to brag,
but around these parts,

I'm known as "The Human Whisperer."

No one's ever called you that,
not even once.

We're animals.
We can't talk to humans.

Larry, King of the Jungle,
prepare to have your mind blown.

A little more argon than usual
for tonight's meditation, Leopold.

This unhappiness has given me a new
crow's feets, and I must vanquish him.

You see, when humans meditate,

their brains are more receptive
to subliminal stimuli.

That's S-T-I-M-U-L-I, no E.
Fine, I'll move on.

A portal opens, allowing
my thoughts and desires to enter.

- Where do you get this stuff?
- I read, Larry.

- And I make things up.
- Just do it.

Good evening, Roy.
Are you comfortable?

Hey! We're in!

How about this weather
we've been having?

They say it's a dry heat,
but tell that to my armpits.

Snack, hurry up. Come on.

Okay.

You will keep Sarmoti in the show.

- As the star.
- As the star.

Okay. Repeat after me.

I will keep Sarmoti
in the show as the star.

I will call my father
and let him know I forgive him.

What? No, no, no, no, no.
Keep Sarmoti in the show.

Do you hear me, you stupid human?
Keep...

What is this?

Hey, Roy, how's it hangin'?

Herr Rodent! Herr Rodent!

Roy needs air! Roy needs air!

Oh, my God.

Roy, what is happening?
Why are you making of a commotion?

I am fine.

Larry, he saved my life.

As you saved his long ago.

- Can it be?
- Fate has spoken.

The circle is complete.

Larry is our new star.

- I am so happy I am sad.
- What if I made you beer cabbage?

What a night. You know, Ginger,
it was touch and go there for a moment,

but in the end, I saved it.

When are you going
to tell him he lost his job?

Yeah, all the greats improvise.

Sammy Davis Jr. once
set Lola Falana on fire,

then tapped out the flames
with his magic feet.

I miss you,
you amazing one-eyed m*dget.

Mom, sack up.

Dad...

- ...we need to talk about the show.
- The show.

Yeah, I think I'll do it
for another ten or 15 years,

then I'll hand it off to Hunter.
Would you like that, boy?

That'd be neat!

I love him, but that kid bums me out.

Dad, there's something
I have to tell you.

Oh, my God. I knew it.
He knocked you up again.

You guys are talking.
I can come back later.

- What do you have behind your back?
- Nothing. Nothing.

What, are we playing a fakakta game?
Let me see it.

Yeah...

That's mine. I must have dropped that
onstage during all the hoo-ha.

Thanks.

I'm lit. Now let's find you
that nurse's outfit.

I couldn't tell him.

Well, here's something else
you can't tell him.

- I'm the new lead lion in the show.
- Holy crap.

- I felt bad about our fight before...
- Whipped.

- I went to see Siegfried and Roy...
- Freaks.

All right, Sierra, out.

How come I am never included
in the adult discussions?

Anyway, I went
to get your dad his job back.

Snack said he could talk to humans,
he fell into a gas helmet...

Blah, blah, blah,
long story short, I'm the new star.

- And Roy's full of beer cabbage.
- Wow.

I'm really sorry.
I never wanted this to happen.

Larry, it's okay.

I really appreciate
what you tried to do.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And if somebody has to be the new
lead lion, well, I'm glad it's you.

Thanks, honey.

- I guess I better go tell him.
- No, no, this one's mine.

- I'll tell him.
- You're serious?

Yeah, I know he's not my biggest fan,
but it really should come from me.

I'll be back later,
and we can cuddle and watch Conan.

Were you talking to me or the couch?

Well, let's all meet
at 12:30 and see what happens.

Hey, folks, how you doing tonight?

Good. And you, sir, is that your wife,
or did you lose a bet?

Sarmoti, there's something
I need to tell you.

What, you finally realized
you're not good enough for my daughter?

No, no, no, that's not it.

I'm rehearsing here,
and each second you spend stammering,

I could be getting better.

Well, actually, it's about the show.

You know how I've stayed
on top for so long?

It's not just good breeding.

- I know, but...
- It's my work ethic. Honed in the wild.

When I grew up in Africa...

You've been fired, you crazy old coot!

- What?
- They fired you and made me the lead.

That's why I had the medallion.
Siegfried and Roy gave it to me.

Crap.

I guess part of me
knew this was coming.

Well, it was a hell of a ride.

Did I ever tell you about the time I
worked with the great Jackie Gleason?

That was a good time.

Yes, sir, that was a good time.

- Stop that.
- Okay.

Look, I don't know what to say,
I don't know how to cheer you up,

and I definitely don't know
if I can follow in your footsteps.

Well, there's one way to find out.

At least you're not a tiger.

Yeah, I hear they do bupkis in the show.

Yeah.

Come on. I'll take you home.

Take me home? Take me home?
Like I need your help?

Why, you condescending
little shmendrek.

- You wanna piece of me?
- No, I don't want a...

That's it!

- You think you're...
- Look at them.

They love each other.

- I'm having an idea.
- Is it the same idea I am having?

To reward Sarmoti
for his years of service,

why don't we move him in
with Larry and his daughter Kate?

- He loves them so much.
- He love them.

- No!
- No!

And so we close the book
on another day of magic and mystery.

No, not yet.

Now.