02x01 - The Game Is a Foot

[bunniefuu]

I'm Charlie by the way,
uh, Charlie Cale.

So, what's it like, leavin'
everything behind and startin' fresh?

It suits me.

You get to meet all sorts of people,

- all sorts of lives.
- All sorts of lies?

I got no idea.

- I have this thing...
- Bullshit.

I can tell if someone's lying.

- Bullshit.
- It's a whole thing.

It would take too long to explain.

- It's fine, I don't care.
- Bullshit.

The real trick of it is to figure
out why someone is lying.

You ever think about joining the FBI?

I'm not really about helping the man.

[STERLING FROST, JR.] I'm giving
you an opportunity to work with me.

We're gonna fleece this son of a b*tch.

[g*nshots]

[CHARLIE CALE] I lost a friend.

Natalie. She was my best friend.

She did the right thing
when she saw something awful,

and you k*lled her for it.

[♪ INTENSE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[BEATRIX HASP] [OVER PHONE]
Charlie Cale.

Beatrix Hasp, right?

[BEATRIX] I'm here
with the five families.

There is no corner of the country

deep enough to hide from us.

We're gonna find you.

Well, Bea, let's all of us
find out together.

[♪ MUSIC FADES OUT]

[♪ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[OVEN DINGS]

♪♪

[♪ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[SPEAKER] Lunch time!

[KID COP] [ON TV] You
have the right to an attorney.

[SUSPECT] Hey, no fair.

It's way past your bedtime.

What's that supposed to be?

Uh, it's us.

I'm moving into portraiture.

I have to branch out

if I want to develop as an artist.

- Artist?
- Mm-hm.

That spangled garbage.

Artist?

You'll be the Gauguin of Etsy.

Well, I wouldn't expect you
to understand, Mother.

Oh, no. But you do
expect me to keel over,

leave you my fortune,

and bankroll your
little artist's journey.

Mother, don't be so morbid.

I see you.

I see what you're doing.

Oh, that faithful child.

So selfless, caring
for that mean old woman.

[LAUGHS]

Can I get you anything else?

Four daughters,

and the one I kept closest

is my biggest disappointment.

Yes, well, my other sisters are not here

washing your foot rags,
cutting your charcuterie,

and making you delicious homemade soup.

- It's tepid.
- [FORK CLANGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, good. Paul's here.

Lawyer Paul?

Yes, I have to get my affairs in order.

But... we already,
we already made your will.

We-We-We did it together.

The doctor says that within weeks,

my heart will give out.

Once you're staring into
the eyes of death, Amber,

you realize what's really important:

Rewarding those people who didn't...

disappoint you in life.

[♪ POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Fetch me my ham.

[DOOR RATTLES]

- Paul?
- [PAUL FLETCHER] Amber.

You look very nice.

Paul, please, um,

you have to tell me, what did she do?

Look, no matter how much sympathy I have

for your situation, I legally can't say.

It-It's a confidential matter,

and I could lose my license if I...

- Please.
- Norma's cut you out of the will.

- She what?
- Oh, God.

Sorry, that was, like, involuntary.

I'm a, I'm a people pleaser,
and I, and I... That's my problem.

But please, don't tell her
that I told you that.

She can't.

She... I-I-I've taken care of her

when she's been sick this whole time,

and my sisters have gone off
and lived their life.

And I've been here. I
deserve this! I earned this!

How could she be so cruel?

No, not your sisters.

They're, they're not
getting anything either.

Well, then, who's getting the fortune?

My mom doesn't have any friends.

She calls charity
"organized malingering."

No, Amber. No. I-I-I-I can't
tell you, legally, morally.

The-The-The trust that is a
bedrock of my profession forbids me...

Please.

A woman named Felicity Price.

sh*t.

Um...

she gets the house,
the money, the royalties.

I'm not to make contact
until after Norma dies.

She doesn't want to be disappointed.

And now I'm getting
in the car before you can

ask me anything else. Sorry.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Who the f*ck is Felicity Price?

[♪ SUSPENSEFUL CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Holy butt-munch.

♪♪

[CRACKLING]

Felicity Price?

Hi, I'm Amber.

And I think we may be...

[HELMET SQUEAKS]

[♪ CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

This is a lot to process.

- I mean, I-I never knew.
- Thank you.

[FELICITY PRICE] How did you find out?

Well, um, I was at a gallery show,

uh, asking about a piece

that I just loved when I,
uh, saw your artist's photo.

And I just... I almost passed out.

Wow. Just wow.

It's... cool look.

Oh, I took that before I moved out here.

Off the grid.

If you ask anyone in the art world

who Felicity Price is,

that's who they will describe.

And I don't even recognize
that person anymore.

- [CAN POPS]
- I, um...

I've been completely isolated
for about a year now.

Stripped everything away...

fashion, style...

to see what was left.

Only the art can reveal
the artist, right?

Totally.

I'm also an artist.

I, um, I make polymer clay figurines,

um, and I've been featured
three times on Etsy, hm.

Cool.

Wow.

A long-lost twin.

It's like finding
a missing piece of myself.

[COUGHS QUIETLY]

It's hilarious, isn't it?

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, did you, uh,
did you grow up with our dad?

Oh, sh*t. Uh... yeah. Uh...

we have the same dad.

Benny's dead.

Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry
if you wanted to meet him.

If it's any consolation,
he was a complete as*h*le.

He drove us drunk
straight into a light pole

when I was 17.

Wow. How horrible.

What about our mom?

Dead. Yeah, dead.

Norma, she had this rare disease.

All of her bones shattered inside her.

And it was so agonizing.

So much pain and so much screaming.

Wow.

- Uh...
- Yeah, mm. Hey!

Um, I am actually a photographer,

kind of, on the side,

and I could take a new, uh,

artist's photo, if you want,

maybe outside with your work?

[SIGHS]

Sure.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[AMBER KAZINSKY] That's great.

You look really cool.

These are fantastic.
You photograph so well.

Do you have a cell?
I-I can text them to you.

No, but, um, I check my email

at the public library
every couple of days.

- I can write it down for you.
- Oh, wow, yeah. That'd be great.

[♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOX THUDS]

[PAPER RUSTLING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Amber, are you feeling okay?

My mother's dying, Paul.
How do you think I'm doing?

[MACHINE BEEPING]

[CONTAINER CLICKS]

[NORMA WHEEZES]

Mom? Mom?

[LAUGHS] You...

you look like that little

fat plumber in the movies.

Mario wears red overalls.

You knew who I was
talking about, didn't you?

[LAUGHS, COUGHS]

[WHEEZES]

♪♪

It's okay.

You can go now.

I'm ready.

♪♪

[MACHINE BEEPS]

[SIREN CHIRPS]

[PHONE CHIMING]

Uh, Felicity, uh, exclamation point.

Uh, I've been thinking, period.

Uh, you showed me your home, period.

I ought to show you mine, period.

Are you free next Friday, question mark.

Heart emoji.

♪♪

- You're late.
- I'm sorry, Ms. Kazinsky.

My sisters are inside. You
can just drop it with them.

[CAR ENGINE RUMBLES]

♪♪

[AMBER] You can leave the key inside.

Nobody comes out here.

So, I got this weird email
from this lawyer guy

who says our mom died
and there's a will.

But you said our mom already...

What in the living f*ck?

I thought you'd be flattered.

You got to be kidding me. This is...

this is ridiculous. Wh-Wh-What is this?

You have everything I want.

Everything I deserve.

What is happening?

[BOTH GRUNT]

[SCREAMING]

[♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, sisters. I'm...

I know you all didn't love Mom,

but, but she was my world
an-an-and, and I loved her,

and, and I can't go on without her.

So, I've come to the bluff to jump.

So when you see my body
at the-the bottom of the bluff

by our house, that's me.

I'm sorry.

♪♪

[PROSTHETIC CLINKS]

[♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, no.

No! No, no, no! No! No!

♪♪

No! No!

No. You're supposed to be me.

They're all going to know
that you're not me.

Well, how am I supposed to fake this?

What am I supposed to do?

Oh, why is nothing ever easy?

[TRAIN HORN BLARES]

♪♪

[TRAIN RUMBLING]

Holy butt-munch.

[CAR ENGINE RUMBLING]

I'm Felicity Price.

I'm Felicity Price.

[LOWERS VOICE] I'm Felicity... Price.

[CAR ENGINE RUMBLING]

♪♪

[SISTERS] Amber...

Paul Fletcher?

You emailed me about an inheritance.

Mm-hm. I'm Felicity Price.

[CHARLIE] [SIGHS] Gosh, man.

Tell you something, Cookie. Uh...

It's Cookie, right?

Hmm.

I tell you, you know,
I've been driving by

these parking lots every day
of my life, right there.

Yeah. You stop and, uh,

you sit in one, uh, all day long,

and you get a whole other
perspective, you know?

Just the sheer life on display.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, secrets in every glove box.

I mean, motel matchbooks, baby shoes.

The unobserved pageant of the ordinary.

Ah, I mean, the tales
these cars could tell, yeah?

Hey, how's that book?

Very second wave.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Charlie Cale!

Beatrix Hasp says hello!

- [g*nsh*t]
- [b*llet CLANGS]

[CHARLIE] Oh, sh*t!

- [CHARLIE SCREAMS]
- [CAR ENGINE RUMBLES]

[b*ll*ts PINGING]

- [♪ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [HALLOWEEN DECOR LAUGHING]

Well, that's what I'm saying.
Late stage capitalism

is turning us all into zombies.

That's why we have to unionize.

[DECOR LAUGHS]

I'm sorry, a-are you
saying I'm a zombie?

'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm a mummy, so.

- I don't know.
- [TRUCK HONKS]

Here they come. Ready?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh, sh*t!

[g*nshots]

[CHARLIE YELLS]

- [ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING]
- [CHILD] Jason versus zombies!

Jason versus zombies!

[ALL] Jason versus zombies!

Jason versus zombies!

♪♪

Hey, pick up the picking pace, please.

Oh, gotcha. Sorry. Yeah.

I-I just, uh, taking in
the rich pageant of...

Yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that.

[CAR RUMBLING]

[JIMMY] You. Hey! Hey, you.

We know this girl's
working here. You seen her?

Oh, she quit yesterday.
Uh, couldn't take the heat.

sh*t. She say where she was going?

Nope. Sorry.

[CAR ENGINE RUMBLES]

sh*t.

Hi, uh, thank you.

Yeah. Picking pace.

Pick it up, pronto.

Yeah, no problem. Apples all day.

♪♪

[APPLES THUD]

Can I ask you who you're hiding from?

Oh, I'm not.

Well, you know how it is.

Uh, you cross the wrong, uh,

crime boss or five.

But it's a long story.
You don't need to hear this.

- No, not really, no.
- Yeah.

- Are you alright?
- Me? Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm cool.
- Okay.

Uh, it's just like, uh,
that uncanny thing

where it's like, uh, you know,

you've seen somebody before,

like, you grew up
with them or something.

Uh, when you were little,
did you ever watch

a show called
"KID COP: Nights"?

- No way.
- Yeah.

- Excuse me, "KID COP: Nights" over here!
- No, no, no, stop that!

- Stop.
- Oh, my God.

- Please. I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my G...

- Wait, what?
- Did you...

I knew it.

- Well, can we just let it go?
- I knew it the second I saw you.

- Come on. I can't.
- Holy sh*t.

[♪ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIREN WAILING]

I went in too deep, Chief.

I don't know where I start

and Crystal the drug mule ends.

[CRYING] Butt-munch.

Pew-eee. Phew.

Delia, no offense, man,
but that is some bad acting.

None taken. That-That's not me.

That's Amber, my sister,

or "Hamber" as we like to call her.

Get out. So, you're an identical twin?

Oh, no, no, no.

[CHARLIE] Clone, two, three, four.

What do you call that? "Freaky"?

Uh, quadruplets. We all played Kid Cop.

It's the only way you can make


when you decide to set a
kids' show shot entirely at night.

Gosh. Boy.

Man, that sounds like
a fun childhood, right?

Ah.

Could have been.

If it wasn't for Norma.

[CHARLIE] Mm.
It's like a stage mommy type.

[DELIA KAZINSKY] Mm. Norma
pitted us against each other

every chance she got.

I don't think we ever really recovered.

She gave me my first drink,
my second drink,

and my fifteenth...

to settle my nerves on set.

I went to five rehabs before...

I realized I had to cut her
out of my life to get sober.

Damn.

Yeah, this show ran forever.
I'm doing the math.

Why are you picking apples for a living?

Norma took every cent.

If I had a tenth of what
I made back then, I could...

buy the old man
out of his apple operation

when he retires,
and I could be my own boss.

Every man's dream.

Mm. What's yours?

Well, uh, not getting shot.

Oh, come on.
It's got to be more than that.

Introspection, it just makes me queasy.

I, uh, tumble up. Uh...

What I would love, me personally,

the one where Kid Cop faces
off against the Zodiac k*ller.

Come on, you know
it's a classic. Come on.

- Alright.
- Oh, yes.

[♪ THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah.

Good, good apple.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hiya, partner. How you doing?

- Uh, Norma died.
- What?

Ah, sh*t. I'm sorry. I think.

- How are you doing?
- Funeral's tomorrow.

I asked if I could borrow a truck,

but the old man can't spare one.

It's going to take at least
a day to get there by bus.

I'm not going to make it.

Are you sure you really
want to go to the funeral?

Well, it's the only chance
I can get my money back,

but... And I'm sure Norma
gave it all to Amber.

Maybe I can talk her
into sharing it with us.

No, no. Hey, it's okay.
I'll... I-I'll drive.

Well, he is not going to hold your job.

Oh, no. Oh, I'm going to
lose my pension. Come on.

sh*t, man, I'm sorry.

[CHARLIE SIGHS DEEPLY]

Alright, so listen.

Just, like, uh,

get in, get out, get the
cash, buy the orchard. Presto.

Good luck, buddy.

Do you, um, do you want
to come in for a minute?

I mean, will your sisters

really want to have me at the wake?

Oh, trust me,
nobody in there is mourning.

Please?

Well, I am a little curious to
see all four Kid Cops in action.

Leave the keys in the car.

Nobody ever comes here.

Alright, boss.

f*ck it.

Four Kid Cops.

- Wow-wee. Oh, boy.
- [DELIA] Yeah.

Hello?

Whoa, "Kid Cop" money, huh?

- Oh, sh*t.
- Hello?

Bebe?

- [CHARLIE] Hello.
- Good day.

Cece?

[BEBE KAZINSKY] In here!

- [BOTH] De-De.
- [CHARLIE] Oh.

This is not going
to get confusing at all. Hi.

No, thank you.

Oh, right. Yeah.

I forgot.

You're boring now.

Okay, everyone, this
is Charlie from work.

She gave me a ride.

Oh, hey, I'm, uh,

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Okay. Uh, Charlie,
this is Bebe. She's a DJ.

Yeah, I noticed. Hey, cool cans. Hey.

And this is Cece, she's a teacher.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Associate
Professor of Comparative Literature.

Whoa, uh, how'd you get French?

Cece took a year
of post-grad in Quebec City,

and now she can't get over it.

What Bebe does not
understand is that one adopts

the accent of one's peer group.

This is where Dede sounds
like she grew up

- on a trawler ship.
- [BEBE SNICKERS]

Oh, okay.

Have you guys seen the will?

I assume that's why we're all here.

Norma's lawyer's on the way.

We all know who's getting everything.

The best we can hope for is that

Amber throws us a crumb.

Well, then where is Amber?

Uh, Amber took a walk

to process her new life as an orphan.

She... She's been really bonkers lately.

Even for Hamber.

You will love this.

- Hi.
- That's Amber?

[CECE KAZINSKY] And she's
been blowing up the group chat

for weeks with this craziness.
Look at that nose ring.

Ugh. It's just a cry for attention.

Oh, gosh. I mean, I... doesn't that mean

she might just need help or something?

Merde, non.

- Merde?
- [PHONE CHIMES]

[BEBE] Oh, geez.

Hamber just sent another video.

Oh, I cannot take Hamber right now.

Oh, wow.

Ah, gosh.

Boy, oh, boy.

You guys were really
hot stuff for a minute, huh?

Oh, what's this big boy for?

Pointy. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, that's the Latvian Critic Award

for Best Inter-generational Kiss.

We won it five times in a row.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[TROPHY THUDS]

So, favorite co-star?

Oh, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Kid Cop's first love.

Ah.

[CECE] No. Tamara Dobson.

She played the ghost of our paternal

great-great-grandmother

in "Kid Cop: Civil w*r Christmas."

I forgot that it was so metaphysical.

It's ahead of its time, really.

[DELIA] Well, season nine
took place entirely

in the mind of a coma patient

that Kid Cop's evil twin
shot in the neck.

That was a beautiful season
in a coma. It's gorgeous.

Oh, my gosh! Hamber on the bluff.

[CAR ENGINE RUMBLING]

[SISTERS] Amber...

- Holy mole.
- Yeah.

[OVERLAPPING ANIMATED CONVERSATIONS]

- Did Amber know about this?
- Who is "Felicity Price"?

And how was Norma making
that much in royalties?

Yes. Amber knew about the will.

Felicity Price is
your secret fifth sister.

"Kid Cop" is huge in Indonesia.

Paul, heh, our mom just died.

Amber just jumped off a bluff,
and now there's a secret sister

that's getting our inheritance!

Gee, it's... Yeah, it's a lot
when you say it all together

- like that.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm sorry, that's probably her now.

Thanks for coming.

Can't find this missing foot.

Lady Diana here, she got
the best nose in the biz.

She'll find it.

Uh, wait, I... Sorry.

You couldn't find the foot?

What could have happened to it?

[SCOFFS] On a public beach?

Anything.

This is f*cked.

[AMBER] [AS FELICITY]
I mean, long-lost twins.

It sounded so funny.

I... It's like discovering
a piece of myself,

uh, pieces of myself.

- [AMBER CHUCKLES]
- Another one.

Man, they got to stop feeding
these girls after midnight.

I'm a mixed media artist.

- Uh, I work out of Vermont.
- Bullshit.

I-I grew up on the run
with our father, Benny.

No, you didn't.

Uh, he was a, a gambler,
died in a car crash

when I was 17.

I was with him in the car.

What are you going to do
with our money, Felicity?

What my sister means is,

we understand that this must feel like

a crazy windfall for you.

- But...
- Yeah.

We earned that money from our TV show.

Norma stole it from us
when we were kids.

She treated us like trash.

[CECE] Especially Amber.

Ooh, I wish I'd have
taken her more seriously.

- You do?
- [BEBE] Well,

she was a hard person to take seriously.

- Mm-hm.
- We could have tried, though,

even with her hammy acting.

- Oh, merde!
- Oh, Hamber.

But I thought she won a, a
People's Choice Award in '03.

- Hmm. A weak year.
- It was a weak year.

[BEBE] And she kept trying
to make "butt-munch" happen

as a catchphrase.

Like, read the room.

Vaguely h*m*.

How? Oh.

And then, after the show,
she just lived a tragic,

pathetic life.

Groveling to Mom. Dressed
like a dust bowl Okie.

And begging us to, like, post
her sad Etsy sculptures.

And the spangles. Oh, my gosh. Ugh.

The spangles.

She would put spangles
on a Holocaust memorial.

They bring visual interest...

to the ones I've seen, incidentally.

To answer your question,
I'm taking the money...

all of it.

I grew up never knowing a mother's love.

This is my reward.

- But we're sisters.
- This is very unfair.

We never knew a mother's love either.

Okay. Uh, I think I'll take
a quick gander at that buffet.

If you don't share
that money, we'll sue.

Right, Paul? We can do that, right?

Uh, any heir can contest a will.

Now, see, I, I thought
this might happen.

Give me just a second.

[AMBER CLEARS THROAT]

Present for ya. [CHUCKLES]

If you don't file a lawsuit,

I'll give each of you $150,000.

If we fight this, what are
the chances we win?

Yes, what are the chances?

Not high.

Norma was of sound mind
when she drew up her will.

That is correct.

[SIGHS]

Bebe, no. If we, if we stick together...

Dede, just take the money.

It's not worth the fight.

f*ck you!

I'm not having my money stolen twice.

Well, two out of three isn't bad.

[PAUL] It-It might be.

If Delia files a suit, it'll
hold up the estate for years,

and nobody can get anything out of it.

Oh, my gosh.

Ugh. Merde.

[ACCESSORIES CLINKING]

Delia!

Delia, look, I know this isn't going

exactly the way you planned,
but if you just...

You cannot understand
how painful this is!

Norma was a monster.
She, she k*lled Amber.

She-She may not have
pushed her off that cliff,

but she whittled my sister down
to a compliant little nub.

And all that's left is the money
that Norma stole from us.

I won't let you take it.

Oh, I know the pain.

- [CAR DOOR SLAMS]
- Years of it.

I've been hurt terribly...

Tell my friend that I will be
back with her car soon.

I have to clear my head.

[CAR ENGINE GROWLS]

Ugh!

[♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

f*cking fine then.
Give me the f*cking forms.

I'll f*cking sign.

That's a lot of f*ck, Dede.

Okay. So, when can we get the money?

♪♪

- [CHARLIE] Delia?
- sh*t.

[CHARLIE] Hey, Delia.

Delia.

- Oh!
- [CHARLIE] Heyo. Hi. Oh, good.

I thought I saw you come in here.

You got to check out the buffet.

You know what? The old
man should hire this guy

for the retirement party.

Oh, yeah. Old man, yes. Thank you.

What's going on? You going somewhere?

Oh, oh, cold.

Huh, okay.

Cold. Oh, so, uh,
what exactly do you want?

Oh, well, [SIGHS]
look, it's no big deal,

but at least, like, 60%
of what your secret sister

out there is saying
is, like, total bullshit.

- How could you know that?
- Mm.

Well, just now when you said
you were cold, that was a lie, right?

- Maybe. Yes.
- Mm-hm.

[CHARLIE] Yeah. Well,
anyway, I got this thing.

I can just, uh, tell
when someone's lying.

It's kind of a thing I do.

This will be fun. Okay.

Tell me a fact about yourself.

But don't dig too deep.

Uh, you're freaking me out.

True. Let's up the ante.

Why don't you grab one
of these, uh, spangly buddies

from the peanut gallery, uh.

And I'll turn my back,
and you tell me what you have.

- Squirrel.
- Bullshit.

- Elephant.
- Bullshit.

- Hammer.
- Mm. True.

Although not technically
a spangly buddy, actually.

So, kind of a weird move.
Anyway, you see my point.

- Believe me now?
- Um, how exactly does it work?

Well, I'm not exactly sure,
but it's not really the point.

Okay. What we got to do is
talk to your mom's lawyer.

I mean, surely, he ran some kind of

a background check when he
found this chick, you know?

Well, I mean, even if Felicity's lying,

it doesn't change Norma's will.

Well, it does, if she committed fraud.

- Oh.
- Hang in there, okay?

Whoever the hell this Anastasia,

dirty, rotten scoundrel, Felicity,

whatever the hell her name is,
it's going to be okay.

Alright? We're going to figure this out.

- f*ck yeah.
- f*ck yeah!

♪♪

[MIC HUMS]

Hey.

Hi.

Norma's lawyer.

Oh, gosh, that must
have been a hell of a gig.

Um, Paul Fletcher. Who are you?

Uh, I'm... I... Nobody. Yeah, I just,

uh, Delia's apple dumpling g*ng, uh...

So, this, uh, long-lost sister
you dug up, uh, Felicity Price.

Is-Is she really
a mixed media visual artist?

Are you asking
if she's a, a real artist?

Uh, I'm-I'm not sure
I'm qualified to assess that.

I did take an Intro
to Art History course

during my semester at sea,

but the professor was not very engaging.

That's too bad. No, no, no. I, uh...

Look, we just want to know
if she is who she says she is.

Oh, I see. Yes, she-she is.

Here's her... here's her art.

Huh.

Alright. That's her.

Okay, you got celebrities. Cool.

Oh, boy. Sandwiches. Okay.

It's hella eclectic. But,
yeah, I guess that's art.

Uh...

Hey, what about the, uh,
the backstory, uh,

raised on the run
by gambling addicts and so on.

Does that really check out?

Yes. Her father had the, uh,

shady creditors of a, a gambling addict.

And he died in a car crash,
just as Felicity said.

[CHARLIE] Gosh, uh...

and was she really in the car
with him when that happened?

Yeah, I-I looked up
the, the hospital records.

What-What is this all in aid of?

Well, here's the thing, Paul the lawyer,

when you say something
about Felicity, it's true.

But when Felicity says
the same thing, it's bullshit.

So, "I'm a mixed
media artist." Bullshit.

Uh, "My father was a gambler.
He died in a car crash." True.

Uh, "I was in the car with
him when he died." Bullshit.

Uh, it seems like she only lies

when she's talking
about herself or something.

But, but Paul proved all of that,

so maybe your-your
truth thing is just broken.

♪♪

Huh.

So, you all play the same kid, huh?

Yes. And?

And, uh, think about it.

So, the lies,
the wildly wavering accent.

Uh, really? I hadn't picked up on that.

Oh, sweetheart, Felicity's acting

is second only to Hamber's
"Crystal the drug mule."

And God rest her soul, but...

Well, this is getting a little crazy.

Yes. Stay with me here.

So, what if this Felicity Price
is some sort of a,

I don't know, a... an impostor?

Uh, you know, another, another one.

So, it's not, uh, quintuplets, it's a...

What-What do you call that?

- Sextuplets?
- Sixtuplets.

- Sextuplets.
- Yeah, that's what I said.

- No, no, sextuplets.
- Yeah. Six.

- Sex.
- Yeah.

'Cause there's six of 'em, right?

- No.
- Yeah.

- So, there's six.
- Sex.

- No, that's why you call it six.
- It's sex.

- It's six, six, six...
- Sex, sex...

- It's Latin. Sex, sex, sex.
- [CHARLIE] It's Latin.

Dude, I'm just f*cking
with you. Come on.

Sexytuplets. Saucy, okay?

And number sex is pretending
to be number five.

Well, is she f*cking right or not?

Th-There's only one secret sister.

Norma registered five births.

Amber, Bebe, Cece, Delia, and Felicity.

I-I've seen the documents myself.

God, I'm starving.

Delia, I know this is hard to accept...

[♪ LOUD EDM MUSIC PLAYING]

[ANNOUNCER]
"KID COP: Nights."

- There's no legal...
- Thank you so much.

♪ Freeze ♪

- I was still eating.
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Tell it to the judge ♪

Well, that's that then.

- No, no. Hey, new attack...
- What?

- Confront the punk.
- [SIGHS]

f*ck, come on.

Whoa. Givin' up that easy?

That doesn't seem like you.

Yeah, I mean, no, I mean, f*ck it.

- I'll go.
- Hey, dummy.

Bullshit detective, remember?

Right, you have to do it.

Yeah. Mm. Don't worry

'cause I actually have conducted, like,

a shocking number
of these ad-hoc interrogations.

So, the first line out of Felicity

and then, boom, I'll
just crack her wide open.

Good. Um... go get 'em, tiger.

Okay.

[♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR CREAKS]

Oh, hey, one more thing. You think we

can get some of these turkey legs to go?

Uh, I don't see why not.

Um, I left your keys in the car.

Yeah, I remember. Appreciate it, though.

Oh, yeah, I did prefer the other beanie.

What?

♪♪

- [YELPS]
- Hi there, Felicity Price.

What in the hell are you doing in here?

Why are you lying about who you are?

- I'm what?
- Well, I mean,

everyone gilds the lily, but you?

Every sentence out
of your mouth is a porker.

It's makin' my ears ring.

Just what gives?

I-I don't know what you mean.

Okay. Well, I mean,
y-you're lying about being

in that car when your father died.

- I am not.
- Oh, there you go again.

You're also fibbing about
growing up on the run.

Well, we weren't on
the run all the time,

obviously, but...

Okay, and-and-and you're not

a mixed media visual artist

from rural Vermont,
whatever your bio says.

So, you're, obviously...
Y-Y-You're scamming

these sisters out of their inheritance

one lie at a time.

So, who are you?

I am Felicity Price.

Nope. Try again.

- I am.
- Bullshit.

God, it's so obvious
you're not who you say you are.

I mean, the accent alone,

it's like, uh,
dinner theater Blanche DuBois.

I-I-If I called one of
Felicity's friends right now,

would they even recognize you?

Give it up, lady. You cannot lie to me.

I mean. Well, I suppose...

Fine.

You're right.

Felicity Price is, uh, an invention.

A... reaction to the cruelty
I've suffered.

The years of abuse.

Do you know what it takes
to become a real artist?

Ah, gosh, I don't know.

I guess, uh, big financial safety net.

Maybe some family connections
to the art world.

Pain and sacrifice.

[BRITISH ACCENT]
You must k*ll the old you

to birth the new you.

Reinvent everything.

Your accent, your image,

your entire personality, if you must.

Every moment of every day.

[GERMAN ACCENT] Felicity Price is

who I was supposed to be.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Proof
of the passion and creativity

that was smothered out of me.

But no longer.

Now...

I am Felicity Price.

She is me.

[BRITISH ACCENT] You call it a lie.

[NORMAL ACCENT] I call it my truth.

Okey-smokes, man.

That's true.

Excruciatingly pretentious,
but, uh... true.

Get out.

Alright. Uh, hey,
I'm sorry for overstepping.

Uh, so is there any shot that, uh,

you could consider channeling some

of that artistic empathy
towards your sister Delia?

I mean, she's just...
she's been through a lot.

Please leave.

- [DOOR CREAKS]
- Sorry.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Holy butt-munch!

Oh. [PANTING]

[♪ ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Rest in spangled power, Amber.

We love you.

♪♪

Oh, great. There you are.

Hey, hey, buddy. I-I'm sorry, but I-I,

you know, I did that whole
lie detector routine

on Felicity, just like we planned,

and I'm sorry to say, but I just...

I don't think she's an imposter.

Imposter syndrome maybe.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Alright. If you were just, like,
tooling around

the neighborhood for two hours,
like some angsty teen,

then who was I even gabbing to?

I-I mean, are you even you?

I'm me, Delia.

We met at an apple orchard.

Charlie.

Alright. I, I see it.

I don't understand why any of
my sisters would pretend to be me.

Hey, there you are, um.

I wanted to get this
to you before you leave.

I-I'm glad you changed your mind, Delia.

G-Good luck.

That's why.

[SIGHS] Felicity offered us
$150K to not contest the will.

I guess one of my sisters wore my coat.

Oh, and your beanie, right.
The different color.

God, I'm a moron.

And, uh, signed the contract.

No, no, no, no.
You, you got to tear this up.

We can prove that's not your signature.

Charlie, I have been staring

at that drinks table
ever since we got here

trying to remember why it's not

a fantastic idea to get wasted.

Whoever did this had it right.

Take the money and run.

I mean, you can't even
buy a whole orchard

for $150K, I-I'd assume.

I am financially illiterate.
It does keep me up at night.

Money is replaceable.
I pick peace of mind.

Well, you know what? Sorry, buddy,

but, f*ck it, I'd love
for you to have both.

Hey, Lady Diana.

- Lady Diana.
- Hey. Whoa.

- Lady Diana. Come here.
- Hey, hey, mine.

Come here. Wrong leg, baby girl.

Alright, we're gonna get
'em next time. I promise.

Sorry.

No, it's, uh, Lady Di's now, uh.

Oh, okay.

[CHARLIE] Hey, uh, how's that going?

You still can't find that missing foot?

Oh, God. Who would take Amber's foot?

The wild boars, passing
hobos riding the rails, seagulls.

You can't expect
a human foot to just stay

on the beach and no one take it nowhere.

I don't know. It seems
a humble enough expectation.

And that's not even the worst part.

Well, okay. Sh-sh**t.
What's the worst part?

I got that song stuck in
my head. Um, "Footloose."

Um...

♪ Everybody cut loose, footloose ♪

♪ Kick off your Sunday shoes ♪

All day.

- Well, I did ask.
- Mm.

[HUMS "FOOTLOOSE"]

Um, goddamnit.

It's like the smallpox
of movie plot songs.

I blame Bacon.

[CHUCKLES] Bacon.

Bacon.

- Hold on a second.
- What?

Well, portrait.

Kevin Bacon in "Footloose."
Life-sized bust.

Daniel Day-Lewis circa "My Left Foot."

Right.

Footlong, Five Dollar Subway,
cast in bronze,

and a, a marble ruler,
approximately 12 inches,

always known as a foot.

Is this a riddle or an aneurysm?

All of Felicity Price's
artwork is foot-related.

- And?
- And,

and Amber's dead body is missing a foot.

So that means I... don't know why.

Geez. Synchronicity?

- No f*cking way.
- [CHARLIE SHUDDERS]

♪ Dance ♪

[♪ EDM MUSIC PLAYING]

[AMBER] [AS FELICITY] I always say

that art reveals the artist.

[♪ MUSIC STOPS]

[CHARLIE] Faux-licity.

I figured you out.

Before Amber saw Norma's new will,

she was coping just fine

with her mother's illness, right?

That's true. She was,
she was very strong.

[CHARLIE] Yes. But then,
Norma names Felicity Price

as the new heir
of the "Kid Cop" gazillions.

And, uh, well,
Amber begins to transform.

New hairdo, weird piercings,
starting to dress

like some kind of a cartoon plumber.

[CECE] Excusez-moi.

She was having a breakdown.

Yes, but, uh, not for
the reason you think.

You see, uh, those changes
that Norma made to the will,

well, they were causing Amber
to become homicidal,

not suicidal. Isn't
that right, Fauxlicity?

Well, I wouldn't know.

You stopped my set for this?

May I?

[PHONE CLICKS]

- Thanks, pal.
- You're welcome.

[AMBER] [ON PHONE]
And I can't go on without her.

So, I've come to the bluff to jump.

- So, when you see...
- Bullshit.

And pretty lame acting on top.

Suffice to say, I can tell

based on this video alone
that, uh, well, she's lying.

Amber had no intentions of jumping.

You really shouldn't speak
ill of the dead like this.

Ah, well, that's okay
because Amber isn't dead.

Felicity Price is.

Amber's new look was a disguise.

Designed to make everyone believe

that the body at the bottom
of the bluff was her.

When, in fact, it was actually the body

of your long-lost sister,
Felicity Price.

- Sacré bleu.
- Oh, my God.

It was a crazy-smart scheme. Oh, boy.

But there was just that
one thing about Felicity

that you couldn't fake, wasn't there?

Something that you found out about

after you m*rder*d her.

Her prosthetic foot.

- No.
- Shut up.

You know, it was, uh, really

some very quick thinking
what you did with the train.

And, uh, well, those cops,

yeah, they bought it.

Take off your left boot.

That is wildly inappropriate
to ask her to do...

[KNUCKLES THUD]

Oh. Oh, wow.

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

- [BOTH SIGH]
- [DELIA] This is...

[CHARLIE] Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry.

No, dude, I'm sorry...

How very dare you.

I come here to meet my long-lost family

at the wake

of the mother I never knew.

And how do you welcome me?

You force me

to bare my disability to you.

- [BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
- Are you happy now?

- No.
- Or is there

more humiliation in store?

[♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh...

hold on.

[TROPHY THUDS]

- Oh!
- [GASPING]

- [BLOOD SPURTING]
- [♪ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

- [BOTH GASP]
- [BEBE] Ew!

Oh, my God, that's so gross.

- [CECE] No.
- Holy butt-munching sh*t!

[AMBER THUDS]

- Hamber?
- Hamber!

The art reveals the artist.

The spangles. Yikes.

You know, I'm-I'm gonna call the cops.

I, I did everything right.

Everything Mom asked.
It all should have been mine.

Hi. Yeah.

I'd like to report a crime.

[KNOCKING]

- [CHARLIE] God, that was quick.
- Yeah.

[OFFICER] I'm sorry
to barge in like this.

We just fingerprinted the corpse's body.

That wasn't your sister, Amber,
down on those tracks.

- It was...
- Oh, we know, Felicity Price.

Wait, so that means...
Uh, did one of you...

- She did it.
- It was her.

- Uh, she did it.
- Oh!

- Which one is this?
- Amber.

Does that mean we all have
different fingerprints?

Of course. You're twins, not clones.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Oui, merde.

[SIREN CHIRPS]

I wish I'd have gotten
to know her, you know?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

So, uh, who gets all the money now?

Well, Felicity had no surviving family,

so all the "Kid Cop" money comes to us.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Yeah.

- Whoa.
- Mm.

So, enough to buy the orchard
off the old man, huh?

Well, two orchards. Thanks to you.

Me? No.

Uh, come on,
I just asked a few questions.

Why don't you, um,
come in on it with me?

We make a good team

and if nothing else, it'll give you time

to figure out your dream.

Uh...

Yeah. I don't know. Uh...

Well, maybe I could use
a little settling down.

Form a little human connection and,

oh, maybe get to know
the name of a few apples.

Don't set your bar too high.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Nah, I mean, you're right.

sh*t. Like, what am I even
running from, right?

- [PLASTIC POPS]
- [WATER SPLASHES]

[CAR ENGINE ROARING]

[g*nshots]

Oh, right.