Blue (2024)

[bunniefuu]

No dad, don't you worry.

Honestly, I've got

it. No you sit down.

Cheeky, git.

Take us in, its gonna

start getting dark.

There you go old man.

Oi, dinner.

My dad, by Charlie Winter.

How old was I when I wrote this?

Eight..

What you doing?

My dad by Charlie Winter.

My dad is a fisherman.

He goes out to sea and

then comes back again.

His boat is big, old and red.

But on my birthday were painting it

any colour I want, that's what he said.

When he takes me out,

we have so much fun, but

he only takes me out when it's not stormy

and there is sun, when he is fishing,

he sings but doesn't

know, it's a slow

and sad song, full of woe.

So that's my dad,

and his name is John,

he gets up early and not

home till the sun is gone.

But when I'm older,

that's what I want to be,

with him together,

out on the sea.

That is terrible.

Yeah, well, I love it.

So make sure you put it back up.

We never did paint the boat.

No, that must have

been my ninth,

That must have been

what, for my ninth,

tenth birthday?

I said for your 10th birthday.

We could paint the boat

whatever colour you wanted.

We, we even went and got the

paints and everything remember?

Yeah, I think I do.

We went to Breens garden

center, made a day of it.

We did, well remembered.

Also, when he is fishing,

he sings but doesn't know.

It's a slow and sad

song full of woe.

What sort of eight year old

knows what the word woe means?

That was your mum.

She hated that song.

Especially when I sang it.

Did she?

Speaking of your mum.

When are you going

to go see her?

Ill go see her

soon, Ill told you.

Just with work and everything.

No dont you be using work as an excuse cus

its me thatll get it in the neck for that.

Shouldnt work me so hard then.

When's the last

time you saw her?

Its not me she

wants to see is it.

We didn't catch much this week.

No

Or last week.

Or last week.

Why arent you looking at me? c

Are we alright?

I mean, money wise.

Look, whats brought this on?

I see how much money's coming

in working at the market.

I know what a good week is,

I know what a bad week is.

We've had some bad weeks.

Yes it's been slow, but we're

used to that this time of year.

I was going to say, I don't

mind taking a pay cut.

Charlie, were fine.

All I'm saying is

I'm eighteen now.

You can tell me this stuff.

You're eighteen are you?

You a big boy now?

Youre not eighteen

for two days.

Till then youre still

my little, baby boy.

f*ck sake, dad.

Oi, f*cking swear at me.

Remember markets

miles away tomorrow.

So up early.

Sorry for swearing.

Yeah,

yeah.

I forget how easily

offended old men get.

Get to

Night old man.

No, twist round.

Just grab that end.

Like I havent done

this before, huh?

Yeah but you always

do it wrong dont you.

Ease over.

Whats happened here?

Was that you?

It was like that this morning.

It was already like

that, I didnt do that.

That's fine

Dad you need a new box.

Its falling apart.

It does the job.

No it doesn't, look.

Its older than me dad.

That is older than me

that's falling apart.

Look they're all in there.

Wont be long.

Nige.

How many?

Eight crab, twelve lobster.

When I said I could take a

handful of what you didn't sell,

I meant, five, ten.

Not twenty, thirty.

Every week mate.

Took your time.

He was playing hard ball.

Dad.

Can I drive us home.

Really?

Not a f*cking chance.

Yeah hilarious.

Oh dear.

f*ck, Mary, it's me.

Mary its me.

How are you?

Good.

Look Im sorry for calling.

Ive been.

I wasnt sure if you...

So, its Charlies birthday

tomorrow and I was thinking that

after I finished the boat, going to

the pub and buying him his first pint.

I was wondering

if you maybe want to be there.

Obviously it'd be

great to see you.

But I totally understand

if you you didn't

Yeah well Ill

leave it with you.

You can let me know.

All right?

Okay. All right. I'll.

I'll speak to you later. Bye.

Jez money's on the counter.

Dad you done?

Yeah cheers.

Leave em, Ill do em.

You alright?

Yeah.

You just offered

to do the dishes.

Something's wrong.

It's your birthday tomorrow.

Thought I'd be nice.

Yeah, what dyou get me?

Doing the dishes arent I..

You dickhead.

Oi, what about told you

about swearing at me.

To not f*cking do it.

Exactly.

Night.

Night.

You coming to work today or...

Hysterical.

Hey.

I was in the shed last night,

tidying up a few things

and I found this.

This is the knife

when you were six

and you carved into the side

of the stern of my

boat just down there.

Daddys boat

I remember, its still there.

After I caught you, I

took it away from you

for about six months.

You didn't shut up

about this knife.

It even got you in

trouble at school.

One Christmas.

You wrote a letter to santa

asking him for a knife.

That was an interesting

phonecall with your teacher.

Well after that your

mum suggested well

told me

to put this in the

shed so you can find it

and I did, I just

forgot about it.

And I saw it there last night

and I thought

Happy birthday.

You got my eighteenth

birthday present

from the shed

I love it, thanks.

Right

What say we eat

And we call it a day.

Sounds good.

You know what else sounds good

Pub.

Theres Ron.

Go and grab a seat,

Ill get us some drinks.

Hello, stranger.

I almost forgot

what you look like.

And, handsome as ever.

You look like you need a drink.

Yeah I do, make it two though.

Two, double parking

not like you.

Charlie's eighteenth today.

Marge, add one more

to those please.

I wasn't sure you'd make it

Not seen you in a while.

Today was always

going to happen.

I wasn't sure if you

were gonna be here.

Well one, I

practically live here.

He's not wrong.

And two...

Oi.

And two

I wouldn't miss Charlies

birthday for the world mate.

Especially his eigteenth.

You speak to Mary.

Yeah well, I spoke to her,

you know.

Oh I'll get these.

No, no Ill get em.

No.

At least let me get Charlies.

John.

Please

let me buy my godson

his first pint.

Sure, thanks.

Now.

I'm not sure if the others

have remembered that

it's Charlies birthday.

Well they havent said anything, but I wasn't

sure whether or not he wanted to keep it quiet.

No, no it's fine he won't mind.

You sure?

As long as you

don't start singing

Ron

Oi oi.

Here he f*cking is.

All right, all right.

Lets have it then.

Here, hows it you got less hair this

time than the last time I saw you.

And you had f*ck all then.

Oh, Tucks.

See you got back in.

Didn't see your boat.

Got in about an hour ago.

Hang on.

There it is.

It's behind your ears.

f*cking hysterical

as always mate.

Eh

Thats from Ron.

Ron.

Ron thanks.

Ron, thanks.

My absolute pleasure.

Fellas, fellas

everyone got a drink.

Urm.

A very special day today

Now hes kept quiet so I'm not sure

what he wants everyone to know but

today's our Charlie's

eighteenth birthday.

Now I know I've not done a

lot right in my life, but...

A lot of mistakes.

But 18 years ago.

John asked me to be

Charlie's godfather.

No matter what happens,

I'll always be there.

John,

thank you for inviting me

to be part of your family.

It is, and it will

always be my biggest

and my proudest responsibility,

although it's probably not the best

night to be talking about responsibility

as were all about to get

absolutely f*cking hammered.

But first.

But first

he's going to sing, isn't he?

Told him not to.

But first,

please join me

for Charlie

Charlie

Sunset and Evening Star

and one clear call for me

and may there be no

moaning of the bar

when I put out to see

when I put out to sea.

When I put out to sea.

And may there be no

moaning of the bar

when I put out to sea.

Twilight and evening bell

And after that the dark

And may there be no

sadness of farewell

when I embark

when I embark

when I embark

And may there be no

sadness of farewell

When I embark.

Now lets get f*cking

pissed, yes please Margaret

Come on Margaret, you slag.

sh*t youre heavy.

What dyou mean,

I'm carrying you?

Oh, yeah.

Do you know the muffin man,

the muffin man, the muffin man.

What you singing that for?

That was your favorite

song as a kid.

No it wasnt.

Well what was it then.

What do we do with

the drunken sailor.

What do we do with

the drunken sailor.

What do we do with

the drunken sailor.

Early in the morning.

Way hay and up she rises.

Way hay and up she rises.

Way hay and up she rises.

Early in the morning.

Oh I should definitely

not have done that.

Get me to the stairs.

How you feeling?

Rooms spinning

Well dont close your eyes

itll just make it worse.

Hey.

Happy birthday.

Oi, you alright?

Yeah.

Let me get you some water.

You said mum was coming?

Well I called her.

Told her we were gonna be there.

But dont think I told her what

time we were gonna be there.

Shouldve called her

today before we went out.

She doesn't want

to see me does she.

What do you mean?

I havent seen her in ages.

Does she resent me or

something for living with you

Anytime we plan to do something.

Something happens.

It's just.

Just feels like

shes forgotten me.

What are you talking about.

Oi.

Hey.

Your mum loves you.

It's me.

She wasn't there

tonight because of me.

Your mum has not

been in that pub

for a very long time.

We used to go

there all the time.

We had our first date in there.

She's not gonna want to go back in

there I shouldn't have asked it was

stupid.

Can I ask you something

and I want the truth

What happened

Between you and mum.

Literally feels like

one day she just left

just took off.

It's just

its been years.

I don't even know how

long you never talk about.

She moved out.

Didn't take a single

thing with her.

All her stuffs still here.

That's not normal Dad

I can count on one hand

the amount of times

Shes been back here.

So I'm just asking

what happened.

I don't know what

you want me to say.

Your mum and I

years ago, just

drifted apart, it happens.

Dad, please.

It was years ago.

You were young.

You would have remembered

it completely different

Look, yes.

I loved your, Mum.

I still love your mum.

I always will.

What we went through.

Couldnt get it back.

You just said that it felt

like she just decided to leave.

No

We have problems

and we tried to fix

them for two years.

Two years

We tried.

But we couldnt

just too much.

What was too much?

It's just.

Everything was too much.

The tension,

and strain on the

relationship was

just building up.

It wasn't healthy.

We had to be honest.

So she moved out.

She couldn't stay here.

Too many memories.

Why now?

Why you asking about this now?

I don't know dad maybe because I'm drunk from

drinking eight pints of what tasted like piss.

I'm sorry if that

sounds ungrateful.

But what

Its stupid.

No, what is it?

Not once tonight.

Did you ask me if I actually

liked what I was drinking?

I know it's silly, but you

never ask me what I want.

Well if you didnt like it you

should have said something.

Its not just the

drink, its everything.

It's here. It's work.

I feel like it's

the only place I go.

I just.

I feel trapped.

Not once have you ever asked

me what I want in life.

Have you?

What do I want to do?

You just assume that I'm

going to be with you here.

And that's it.

What do you mean?

What are you going to do

if I'm not hear anymore?

What you want dad?

We can't do this forever.

Were struggling as it is

Youre gonna have to

let me go at some point.

No, where's this come from?

Yeah, you're right.

Everyday is the same.

I get to go fishing with my son.

And it is f*cking paradise.

It's everything I want.

There you go.

Everything you want.

So what do you want?

You need to tell me or I

I can't do anything about it.

You're right. We, we have

our up and down days.

But you know what gets me

through those down days? You.

The fact is, every day I get

to go to sea with my son,

and that is everything.

But what I'm hearing is that

you dont feel the same.

What about the poem?

Every morning.

I read that before I go to work.

I know every verse,

every line, every word,

and that final verse

But when I'm older.

That's why I want to be

with him

together.

Out on the sea.

Were doing it.

Dad, I wrote that when

I was eight years old.

So what are you saying?

Dad, I love what we do,

I love fishing and I

love doing it with you.

But.

I need to go to bed.

Charlie.

Thought Id come down

and give it a once over.

Don't you dare.

You did go absolutely

mental though.

I did.

Hows your head?

Yeah, fine.

There was a time I was going

to rename her Daddy's boat.

But your mum wouldnt

say daddys boat didn't

really sit well with her

I am sorry about last night.

No dont, you made

a lot of sense.

So going out without me.

Just gonna go out and check a

couple of pots, nothing much.

Thought you might

be feeling rough.

Thought Id let

you sleep it off.

But now youre here, do you

actually want to do some work?

Oh, here we go.

sl*ve driving already?

Seriously though, go

and unhook the winch.

Ill go set up the winch.

John?

Mary.

She's looking good.

Yeah, she still floats.

I'm sorry I didn't

come last night.

Yeah, it was good.

The fellas were all there.

You know, it was good.

That's actually why I want you to

come down and see you. Wanted to talk.

I bumped into Ron earlier, and

he said he hadn't seen

you in a while and

you weren't quite yourself.

A bit strange.

Yeah, well, we haven't

seen each other in a while.

It was a bit strange

or distant.

Withdrawn, he said.

You kept going off and

talking to Charlie.

Well, I've noticed it

myself for a while now.

But I didnt think it was...

I never thought

I'd be having this

conversation with you again.

You were always the strong one.

What we went through,

you were the one that

got me through it.

It's been nearly eight years.

John, I'm so sorry to ask

you this but, Charlie.

What happened to him?

John?

Where's Charlie?

Hes right there, Mary.

Hes by the boat.

No, John.

I can see him, Mary.

Hes right there.

Hes beautiful.

No, John.

Our son Charlie

died.

Charlie died almost

eight years ago.

Mary,

please.

He's gone.

He's gone.

He never left for me, Mary.

I never let him.

Hes always been here.

Yeah,

how do you do it?

I haven't.

I've learned to live with it.

Bu, there will always be a

huge hole that can't be filled.

And that's the tough part.

It's realizing that

and understanding it.

I'm so sorry.

Let me help you.

You still trust me?

Of course.

Always.

Next week,

I'm taking you to the same place

that I went to for three years.

It's a meeting

with a group of people that have all

been through something similar to us.

But you have to talk like

we're doing now, okay?

Mary.

Oh no, promise me John.

Please.

You deserve this closure.

We deserve this closure.

And so does Charlie.

Ill be right there with you.

So next I'd like to

welcome a new face.

This is John.

See you don't have to.

John, but if you want to, you

could stand up and come and tell us

a little bit about

yourself, thatll be good.

Uhh hi, urm

my name's John.

This is my first time here.

My wife,

Ex-wife sorry,

recommended that I come.

Yeah, it was a

It was really tough coming

through those doors.

She actually had to

push me in the end.

I don't really know

what to expect.

I dont really know

what you want me to say?

So what others have

found helpful in past is

That Ive asked them questions

to kind of start them off.

And then we can maybe get to understand

you and your story a bit better.

Yeah, sure, sure.

So I'll start by saying that

everyone's here because we all

experience something that no parent

should experience,

a loss of a child.

It's a cliche and I

hate saying it, but

this is a safe space,

a place for you to share, but only

what you're comfortable sharing.

Feel free to stop and

sit down at any time.

Okay, thanks.

So what was the

name of your child?

Uh. Sorry.

I know it must be strange.

It's fine.

Charlie.

Charlie,

it's a lovely name.

And how long ago did

you lose Charlie?

Eight years.

Its almost eight

years. Eight years.

Next month, December.

And what age were they

when they passed away?

Ten, ten years old.

He was eighteen last week.

And John, if you're comfortable,

could you tell us what happened,

how Charlie passed away?

I don't know if I

just have only

Talked about it.

What one person? Mary

And that was five,

six years ago.

John that's completely

understandable.

Most people don't manage

to discuss and explain

their experience in

the first session.

The main thing

I want you to take

from today is that

I know you might

feel alone in this.

You feel

distant and separated

from the world,

but you're not

you're not alone.

Everyone in this room

has their own story,

their own traumatic experience

that they've been through.

And I'm not going to sit here and

say that we understand how you feel,

because we don't

none of us do.

Everyone is different

and we all experience

and deal with grief

in our own unique way.

No one will ever understand

you or how you feel

But you you can help

us try and understand,

but only if and

when you're ready.

I still love my wife.

I haven't stopped loving her.

I always will.

But it's not the same.

How can it be after that?

Even the little things

waking up in the morning,

going downstairs,

making a cup of tea

just wasn't the same

as our little boy.

Wasn't there any more.

Its not the fault

of either person.

How can two people

go through so much

create the most beautiful

thing in the world,

Make memories that will

last a lifetime and then

Like that

Gone

But they haven't

really gone have they.

That love

that turns into pain.

Those memories that

would last a lifetime

Apart of you wishes,

they didn't even exist.

Because when you

think about them,

It makes you realise

what isn't there anymore.

And what isnt there anymore was the

most beautiful thing in the world?

Our son Charlie.

How can two people

go through that

and live normally?

Our son Charlie

passed away eight

years ago at sea.

I'm a fisherman.

We have our boat.

I didn't take him out much

But one weekend I

did take him out

was a normal day, I

never took him out

when the weather was

bad, it wasn't bad.

I just.

It was my fault.

It was my fault.

The worst thing

somebody can say to me

is, it wasn't your fault.

It was an accident.

It was my fault.

We were out fishing.

Nothing dangerous.

And he got his line stuck.

Dad, my rods stuck

What?

Dad

Charlie dont cast off yet.

He didn't respond.

I didn't hear anything.

So I went out on deck

Charlie, Charlie,

Charlie

Charlie

Charlie

May day, may day,

this is the Hutchison

I need immediate

coastguard response

Child over board, I

repeat child over board

May day, may day,

this is the Hutchison

May day received, this is

coastguard what is your location?

49.600 North, 59.23 West. Hurry.

He was gone.

So when people say to

me, it wasn't your fault,

I don't know what the f*ck

they're talking about.

And he was never found.

We couldn't even say

goodbye to him properly.

And I have taken that from you.

Mary, I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

And now all we have to remember

him by is a f*cking bench.

So I remembered in my own way.

For the past eight

years, Charlie has stayed

with me.

He's been by my side throughout

since he was ten.

He's been with me

the entire time

I've lived with him.

Talk to him,

played with him, woke him up.

Taught him,

argued with him, it became real,

It was real.

Its been eight years it's

been my way of coping.

And now he's eighteen.

Last week we argued

he was trying to tell me

That I couldn't keep

him there forever.

I didn't know what

he meant at the time.

Now I do.

I promise to let you go.

It's a poem

Charlie wrote tit

when he was eight.

It's about me.

Its called My Dad,

he wrote it for school.

I have it up on my wall

next to the front door.

I read it every morning

before I go to work.

You know what

I think hed really appreciate it

if I read it to you all right now.

Is that all right?

Of course.

My Dad by Charlie Winter.

I have to say it like that.

Whenever Charlie read it, he

always said the full title

and his name

My Dad

by Charlie Winter.

My dad's a fisherman.

He goes out to sea

and then comes back again.

His boat is big, old and red,

but on my birthday

we're painting it

any colour I want.

That's what he said

when he takes me out.

We have so much fun.

But he only takes me

out when it's not stormy

and there is sun

When he is fishing, he sings but

doesn't know.

It's a slow and sad song.

Full of woe.

He talks about the sea

and calls it her,

but mum says that's fine

so it doesn't cause a stir.

So that's my dad.

And his name is John.

He gets up early

and not home, till

the sun has gone

But when I'm older.

But when I'm older,

that's what I want to be.

With him.

Together.

Out on the sea.

What colour did he choose?

Sorry in the

in the poem Charlie said he

was going to paint the boat

any colour he wanted.

What colour did he choose?

Blue.

He chose Blue.