01x03 - Skidmark, My Heart

[bunniefuu]

[playing electric guitar]

♪

Hells yeah!

Okay, wait, what if you

crackled the bass, like,

way up on your line?

Okay, mm-hm.

[keyboard playback]

- Oh, sh*t!

- Yeah, just like that.

Maybe I should call in sick,

stay with this.

I'm feelin' it.

I would,

but I got plans tonight.

Mm.

[jamming]

WESLEY: Shut up!

I can't hear the game!

Newsflash, the Bombers lose!

Hit it.

[jamming]

I think I'm gonna wear

The Phoenix tonight.

Uh-uh, don't even.

It's too hot out and you do not

want onion pits on your date,

trust me.

It's not a date!

We're just hanging out.

What's not a date with who?

- Tyler from work.

- No one.

Errr, delivery boys are rank.

Uh-uh, uh-uh!

No.

Well, let's go, then.

Gotta jet to work.

Why you so jacked

for night shift?

You don't gotta

know all my business.

Whatevs, I'm almost done.

Vi, you would look

so good with highlights.

- Mm-mm.

- Oh look, Violet!

You could take

Native Studies 101

with Dr. Friedrich Hans Günther.

The f*ck?

VIOLET: I haven't even

looked at that.

Ta-da!

You look so hot!

Oh, wow

Edward Scissorhands over here.

SHELLEY: Holy jeez, you been

suckin' on a tailpipe or what?

HARLEY: Violet's got a date!

Mom, do you need

to be here right now?

Well, I'm here

washing your gitchies.

Don't forget to get

as good as you give.

VIOLET: Eugh, disgusting!

Get!

CHERYL: Just be careful, eh?

My cousin hooked up

with the dude

who works the hotdog stand

outside Gio's

She got the Clap

and salmonella.

HARLEY: Salmonella's

not an STD, Cheryl!

- Didn't say it was, Harley!

- Ugh.

And protect yourself.

Honour your bodies.

I don't need

a hundred rubbers, Mom!

Everybody needs

a hundred rubbers!

You're welcome.

CHERYL: A hundred condoms?

Frickin' perverts!

[laughter]

WANDA: Dale

Giving me 20 bucks so I'll

lend you 100 makes no sense!

And we're not together!

Stop saying that!

Ugh!

If Dale calls, hang up!

And don't take his order

because his coupons are phony.

And push the rib dinner, because

the meat's about to turn, okay?

Tell them

it's supposed to be green.

And tell those goblin line cooks

they better be wearing

their hair nets!

Don't need no goatee

in the gravy again!

Ugh, ew

Go on!

[claps]

[phone rings]

CHERYL: Uncle Sizzle's,

where hasty meets tasty.

This is Cheryl.

Oh, uh hi, Dale.

Yeah?

Well, uh, Wanda, she talks

about you all the time.

What?

12 CDs for a penny?

Pssht yeah, no,

that's, uh, not a good deal.

But, uh,

you should come by and

win her heart.

What are you doing?

- [line beeping]

- Oh

He hung up.

[slams phone down]

Two, three, four ♪

Hey! ♪

TYLER: [loudly]

Louis Riel!

VIOLET: Holy!

You scared the sh*t out of me!

I know,

that was pretty good, eh?

Alright, ready to go?

- Yeah.

- Cool.

So how's your summer?

Gnarly!

I got wicked plans

for my new band.

We're gonna be huge.

I've actually been

jamming with--

Yeah, we're gonna sh**t

a music vid at Fun Mountain.

It's gonna be epic.

- Deadly.

- Yeah.

So, uh, you're like

the only person I know

that's going away for school.

Smarty-pants.

- Yeah, Harley's coming with.

- Yeah?

We're gonna get a place,

it's gonna be fun.

- Cool.

- What's next for you?

Get a record deal.

Yeah, and then work

at Unkie Sizz

'til the cash rolls in,

you know?

- Really?

- Yeah.

I mean, I got my boys there.

I get to drive around

and listen to my demos all day.

I get free nugs.

Straight chillin'.

No presh.

- That does sound pretty sweet.

- Yeah.

I guess uni's

not for everybody, hey?

Oh, hell, no, no.

That's never been my thing.

I'm all about that, like,

rock n' roll lifestyle,

you know what I'm saying?

Plus, not everyone's got

a big brain like you, so

Have you been to Purple City?

- No?

- No.

Okay, come here.

You're gonna love it.

I'm gonna love it?

It's actually gonna be

the best of your life.

- Really?

- Yeah, it is.

[ska music playing on radio]

♪

DALE: [outside]

Wanda!

Wandaaaa!

Dale! I told you

not to bother me at work!

We're done!

DALE: Wanda!

I miss you!

We went out that one time,

and then you stole my identity!

Baaaabe!

I wanna marry you!

Ugh!

It's my own damn fault

for messing with love medicine!

I didn't even mean it for Dale.

CHERYL: Maybe Harley

should watch the place

while you take care of him.

[Dale crying outside]

- Me?

- For sure, uh

Harley's really come into

her own at Uncle Sizzle's.

DALE: I f*cking love you!

I wanna make a baby!

[retching]

Be careful with love, girls.

It's powerful!

You don't wanna

end up like Dale

rolling around like a hot dog

that fell on the ground!

Harley, cover my desk.

And if a big complaint comes in,

holler for me!

DALE: I neeeeeeed you!

WANDA: Hey! Get out

[muffled shouting]

HARLEY: Okay, everyone,

you just gotta

drown out

that freak show, alright?

[music gets louder]

STINKY: [radio]

That's right!

Another sizzling

spectacular special.

THE MAN: [radio] Uncle Sizzle's

and Stinky & the Man are here

with a BOGTF:

Buy One, Get Three Free!

Bog Tuff!

Wait what special?

sh*t!

THE MAN: Whaddya think

about that, Stinky?

STINKY: Who doesn't

love a BOGTF?

Call Uncle Sizzle's and use

the code word "Sizzler's Mom!"

Tell 'em Stinky & the Man

sent you.

ba*ls!

That's the Mother's Day special!

[phone ringing]

[more phones ringing]

Uh, hello

Uncle Sizzle's

"Sizzler's Mom"?

[phones ringing chaotically]

HARLEY: It's happening

It's happening

It's happening!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Wanda left with Dale!

sh*t!

Yeah, no, Sizzler's Mom, yeah.

Oh, please.

Hi, thanks for holding.

Augh Cheryl!

Please hold.

CHERYL: Get your arse over here.

We got some work to do.

VIOLET: Okay, what are we doing?

If Purple City's a drug,

I'm not down!

No, it's not drugs!

I don't do drugs.

Donna would k*ll me.

Okay

Here it is.

Just stare into the light.

- You're serious?

- I'm serious!

Just just look.

And just stare at it.

It's so bright.

I know.

Just don't blink, though.

Just

let it hypnotize you, okay?

Keep going.

3

2

1!

Right?

Oh-h*

- Isn't that cool?

- Everything's purple!

Welcome to Purple City!

Damn.

I love doing this.

Let's go for a walk.

You're kinda hot

when you're purple.

[Violet chuckles]

VIOLET: How long

is it supposed to last for?

TYLER: For about 20 minutes,

if we're lucky.

VIOLET: It's so beautiful.

Do you see it still?

All I see is "violet" tonight.

[chuckles]

Your name's Violet,

that's why.

["A.M. 180" by Grandaddy

playing]

♪

Ow!

Oh! Sorry, sorry!

Are you okay?

- Ow

- Are you good?

- I think I bit my tongue.

- Oh are you okay?

- I'm okay.

- Yeah?

Well, my house is close by,

and I got a sick vid

I wanna show you.

- You down?

- Okay.

Okay, cool.

♪

VIOLET: This can't be

good for your eyes.

No, it's fine.

I do it all the time,

and I literally have

perfect vision.

♪

[phones ringing]

Where the frig is Wanda?!

Stompin' all over Dale's heart.

What the hell

are we gonna do?

Don't let these

takeout turds get to you.

Wanda put you in charge.

Yeah

She did.

[phones ringing]

Yo, everyone, circle up!

Harley has something to say!

What?

No, I don't.

Yeah, yes, you do.

Take frickin' charge!

You're the frickin' boss!

[phones ringing]

[quietly]

I'm the boss

[phones ringing]

I'm the friggin' boss!

Boss!

♪

This is by far

one of the most ragtag

bunch of phone operators

I've ever seen in my life, frig!

Yeah, what she said!

Now, has it been a rough night?

Yes!

It's been real friggin' rough.

But have we trained

for this night?

Yes!

We're Uncle Sizzle's reps!

We are the 12th

most popular chain

in Manitoba, frig!

Come on,

get it together, people!

And I want you

to tell those promo rats

that we ain't

runnin' no BOGTF

Instead,

I want you to offer them

5% off their next order.

Now helm those phones!

Come on, let's go!

[claps]

[slow clapping]

[Jay whistles]

Wow.

You really handled 'em, Sluggo.

You're a boss, you know that?

Hey

I miss you.

What do you say we

take a little break?

I miss you too, Jay.

But I'm in charge.

I gotta stay and keep

the flock motivated.

Oh, come on.

These guys?

Ditch 'em.

Let's go have some fun.

I'm the boss, Jay.

Call me later.

Okay?

You know I will, baby girl.

Give 'em hell.

Hey!

I don't want to hear those

phones ring more than once!

I wanna hear deals,

not squeals, people!

Let's go!

[phones ringing]

Hello, Uncle Sizzles!

Five percent off or nothing.

You're speaking to the boss!

[phones ringing]

JONO: [TV] Hi everybody,

I'm Jonathan Torrens.

Welcome to the romance

capital of Canada.

Welcome to Winnipeg, Manitoba!

[audience cheering]

JONO: Please welcome Reid !

[audience cheering]

TYLER: I hope you like

ja-la-pen-oh's!

I'm okay with them.

Alright

Tonight is your lucky night.

Feels like it.

So I've been recording

all my new moves

I wanna put in my new music vid,

but I'm not sure

about the kicks, so

What do you think?

I think it's sick.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, um

I didn't know

you could kick so high.

I know.

I've been practicing.

Lunges

- [phones ringing]

- [Harley yelling in distance]

CHERYL: Yeah, we gotta

get that mug of yours out there.

Ha, check this out!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Oh, of course!

Frickin' perv.

Now that I'm your manager,

you better cut it

with the meat-beater sh*t.

What do you mean,

"meat-beater"?

Stop making pervy calls

to the girls at work here.

Pervy calls?

Is is that

what your friends think?

I'm a flippin' sicko

or something?

Well, if the trench coat fits.

But it's not me!

I'm not a pig.

Jay makes those calls, honest.

I love Uncle Sizzle's.

And women!

I would never disrespect

either of them!

Yeah, that's, uh

that's not what I heard.

Oh my God

Oh, f*ck.

[breathing frantically]

Just whoa.

Are you?

Ohh!

I never do nothin', but I

always get blamed for sh*t!

Little buddy

You okay?

Like what do you need?

I dunno, just

just sit on my back.

Sit-- sit on your back?

Sit on my back!

Okay yeah.

Just don't fart!

[phones ringing in distance]

[moaning and heavy breathing]

Ow

Ow, ow, wait, wait, wait!

- Am I on your hair?

- No, no, it's just

Oh

Never thought I'd hook up

with a Native girl.

Uh what the f*ck?

- What?

- Why would you say that?

Yo

I should write a song about it.

Ugh I need a bathroom!

Oh, um, the shitter's

down the hall,

but someone clogged it up

real good before you came, so

I wouldn't.

[sighs]

Okay

- [animal squeals]

- [Violet screams]

Watch out!

My weasel!

Why do you have

a weasel in here?

He's Jeremiah.

I trapped him with

a pizza box down by the river.

I need a telephone.

My mom hated him,

but it's like,

do you see any mice

around here, Donna?

No, you don't.

Me and Jeremiah,

we're f*ck' bros.

Tyler!

Telephone!

Oh

Here you go.

Wassup, boy?

You good?

I'm gonna throw

the vid on again!

Okay.

[video starts playing

in other room]

[line ringing]

Uncle Sizzle's,

what do you want?

VIOLET: Hello, Harley?

Harley

Cheryl was right,

my hoo-ha's burning!

Violet, I cannot right now!

I'm neck-deep in chicken sh*t!

Hey!

I don't see an order up!

Come on!

I gotta go, bye.

Hello?

Harley?

[dialling]

- [busy signal]

- No, no, no, no, no, no

Okay, okay, okay.

[exhales]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Mom, I think I have an STD.

Uh, okay, slow down.

Um

Does he wash down there?

Did you use protection?

Mom!

Ew!

Well, don't go doing it

if you can't talk about it!

- Vaginas are very--

- Okay, okay, stop, stop.

Okay okay.

[in a whisper]

And she snagged!

All we did was

eat nachos and fool around,

and now everything

burns down there

[in a whisper]

Burning vag*na

I don't know how to

get it to stop, and I

Can you just focus and tell me

how I can get through this?

You are gonna be dealing with

a lot of different body parts

when you're a doctor

so you should get used to it.

Oh, forget it.

Forget it, I'm coming home.

- Okay

- Okay, then.

Burning vag*na.

I don't miss that.

[laughter]

CHERYL: Uh

Maybe we do this another time.

Nah. I'm good.

- It's go time.

- Alright.

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

CHERYL: What's that?

What?

It looks slick in pics.

[music starts again]

Walk into the room,

eyes are looking at me ♪

CHERYL: Ah, yeah!

Oof

- Hah!

- Yeah!

Yes!

Okay, you were

right about the oil.

Just need some

junk in that trunk.

Then I don't care, yeah ♪

- Oil my pythons.

- Oh, yeah.

You better pay attention ♪

You better pay attention,

yeah ♪

[door opens]

I don't gotta know

your business.

CHERYL: Yeah, that's

what we thought.

♪

[video playing]

TYLER: [video]

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, sh*t

I think I pulled my groin, goddammit.

Okay, alright

Back in action,

with a big dog

Hey, uh

I'm gonna go.

I gotta get outta here.

Damn, I need water.

Those nachos were spicy as hell.

And it got in my hangnail, ow!

I gotta soak this puppy

in some milk.

The jalapeños

That's right.

My special ingredient.

[ominous electronic sounds]

[ominous electronic sounds]

["Time b*mb" by Jacklen Ro

playing]

You're impatient,

an escapist ♪

Who never knows

where to go ♪

No, sorry, all I can

do for you is 5% off.

Okay. Bye.

["Time b*mb" playing on radio]

[Harley sighs]

WANDA: Well

[sighs]

Dale's done for good this time.

He dead?

Let's just say

I put a stop to it.

[Harley chuckles]

Any problems?

Nope.

[phone ringing]

HARLEY: Oh

- Keeping busy

- Wanda, uh

That's my man calling, Jay.

That's his number.

Do you mind if I

- Make it short.

- Okay.

And then get back to your desk.

[raspy voice] I've got

your hot, juicy promo

WOMAN: [phone]

Um, excuse me?

Oh. Um

Sorry, I

thought you were someone else.

Can I take your order?

[door creaks shut]

AUNTIES: You snagged!

- [applause]

- Ever cute!

SHELLEY: My baby!

How's your burning?

Fine.

It went away on my walk home.

SHELLEY: Oh, good.

SHOWBOAT: Whaddup?

What are you doing here?

I'm just driving

my auntie home.

The aunties made this for you.

A medicine pouch?

It's for condoms!

Ever sacred, this one!

[laughter]

VIOLET: Thank you.

I will not be using

these any time soon.

[under her breath]

Let's go.

Okay, I just gotta

grab something real quick.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, maybe take a shower.

- VIOLET: Mom!

- AUNTIE: Or two!

[all chuckling]

What d'you think?

Oh, that is so sick!

It's beautiful, man!

Alright, but wait,

what about my costume?

Nah, dude.

- No?

- You don't need it.

You're badass just as you are.

Yeah, the Woodtick.

Alright, how about this?

"I'll suck all your blood out

until you're some tired!"

Get it?

'Cause I'm the Woodtick.

Uh, yeah, we'll work on that.

Yeah

[laughs]

[Cheryl singing to herself]

Holy sh*t!

Harley, we set a record

for sales tonight.

- For real?

- Yeah!

You know, you'd make

a good assistant manager.

But next time,

less yelling at the reps.

Woo

Woo-hoo!

[playing electric guitar]

[sighs]

SHOWBOAT: Take a look at this.

VIOLET: Stinky & the Man

Battle of the Bands?

I thought we were just jamming.

We make it offish.

We pick a name,

write some songs, make a demo

We win and you say

goodbye in style.

Sure, I'm in.

You cool?

I gotta tell you something.

You mean Tyler?

Your mom told me.

I shouldn't have

gone out with him.

I know how shitty

he treated you.

I mean,

I could have warned you.

Delivery boys are rank.

It was the worst.

You know what I do when

something messed up happens?

I write about it.

Gimme something.

[starts playback on keyboard]

[sighs]

[playing electric guitar]

♪

SHOWBOAT: Instead of

punching you in the face,

I'm writing you this song ♪

VIOLET: You're

acting all dumb,

but I ain't playing along ♪

SHOWBOAT: And I'm

the greatest part ♪

VIOLET: Skid mark ♪

My heart! ♪

[laughter]

SHOWBOAT: Wait

What?!

VIOLET: Dude

[laughs]

You don't wanna know.

♪

Waaandaaa!

[screaming]

♪