01x01 - Jerk Sandwich

[bunniefuu]

HARLEY: Aroooooooo!
VIOLET: Harley!

Settle down.

[Harley whooping]

Okay!

I'm ready now.

Lay your brilliance on me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Violet Zhigaag,

and it is my honour

to be here

uh, addressing

the graduating class.

Oh-h*-h*-h*!

You are good!

I love it, okay?

That was

Classy

Gassy

It was timeless, really.

Is "ladies and gentlemen"

too formal, though?

Uh well

I have seen kids in our class

take a dump in a pizza box.

So yeah?

Violet, if you're too nervous,

we can always skip it.

We can't skip grad, Harley.

Girl!

You're going out east

to be a friggin' doctor, okay?

And I'm gonna be your roomie

bartending at some sick club.

What are they gonna do?

Huh?

Did you hear that, Winnipeg?

We're outta here!

Aroooo!

[whooping]

All right, Teen Wolf.

Let's do this thing.

- Don't puke this time, eh?

- That was one time!

Why do you always

have to bring that up?

That's what you said

the last time!

We were in grade eight !

Kick me when I'm down ♪

HARLEY: Ooh, I was thinking,

we take a couple garbage bins,

right, we fill 'em with water,

and we make a waterbed

for the Toronto apartment.

We can't do that.

What if it flops and then

we have water everywhere?

Augh!

- Oh my God!

- Friggin' Mickey Carp!

Whatever, Schumack.

Gimme yer purses.

What even are those even?

VIOLET: Whatever.

Just give them to her.

It's not worth a scrap.

Whatchu got in here?

Heavy flow, hey?

VIOLET: Those are

regular tampons.

No, dude, not my retainer!

HARLEY: Ugh

Gimme that.

No!

My uncle beaded it.

MICKEY: I don't care

if Fred Durst beat it.

- Gross!

- Fred Durst?

I'm not afraid of you,

Mickey Carp.

I saw you fart off your

bathing suit at Fun Mountain.

f*ck yeah, I did.

VIOLET: Whatever, man.

We gotta go!

[distant train horn]

sh*t.

She took my speech.

We can skip it.

No, we can't skip grad, Harley!

MICKEY: Hey!

You should be careful.

See a lotta guys

getting jacked around here.

Say you've left me,

say that you've left me ♪

Hey!

You don't need a speech.

You'll be fine!

Hello.

Um, I'm really

honoured to be here,

speaking to you all.

AUDIENCE: Can't hear you.

- My peers and friends--

- AUDIENCE: Can't hear you!

AUDIENCE: Turn the mic on,

genius!

[loud feedback]

[audience exclaiming]

Hey, Vi!

HARLEY: Yeah, f*ck 'em!

The next generation--

- [loud feedback]

- [audience exclaiming]

Somebody fix the mic, frig!

WESLEY: [coughs]

Bruuuuutal!

[laughter]

SHELLEY: Don't heckle

your sister.

You got this, my girl!

[clapping and cheering]

VIOLET: Um, let's

try this again.

[exhales]

We are the next generation.

The future.

And, uh, what is the future

without leaders?

We need to

take hands with the future.

Future hands.

"Future hands"?

- VIOLET: Um

- Aho.

VIOLET: Um

Ummm

We are

the the future? ♪

The future! ♪

AUDIENCE: You're k*lling us!

Gather everybody,

come around ♪

HARLEY: [in a whisper]

No singing!

You're making it worse!

Um

Being great means

making mistakes.

And mistakes we learn from.

It's it's from the mistakes

that we learn

how to be even greater.

I mean, I mean,

how can you--

- [thud]

- [audience gasps]

[scattered laughter]

♪

How's your mug?

You really cheese'd it, eh?

I barely scraped it.

- [Shelley chuckles]

- VIOLET: Simmer down.

THE FOX: Hush, Wanda.

Damn moose with a perm.

- Oh, sure.

- [The Fox laughs]

Oh, almost forgot!

Your gift, doctor-niece.

Chi-Miigs, Uncle.

SHELLEY: I'm so proud

of you, my baby.

And Harley.

Looking just like your mom did

when we were your age.

I know she's with us today,

just smiling down on you.

Thanks, Shelley.

THE FOX: Harley,

where's your diploma at?

I got a frame for yours too.

Ah, who cares?

Just a piece of paper, right?

Truth.

THE FOX: Grover,

put the guitar down!

You know you're banned!

You're gonna do so good

for the community.

That's the plan.

SHELLEY: You know

we need Native doctors.

WANDA: You know when Uncle

rolled his ankle line-dancing,

the doctor told him he couldn't

walk 'cause he was drunk?

And never forget how they

treated Harley's mom.

[clears throat]

SHELLEY: The work you do

is important.

That's what matters, okay?

That's all.

Oh, sh*t.

Who wants this busted piece?

I will!

Mm-hm, me, me.

I'll have that.

Oh, speaking

of busted pieces

WANDA: Back from

hockey camp already?

Hurt my shoulder.

Hurtin' on the inside too,

but not showing it.

I'm fine.

SHELLEY: Mm-hm.

Yeah, big-headed as ever.

Do you guys remember

when he was modelling?

He tried to re-create

that Marky Mark underwear ad?

- Just baggy and everything!

- [laughter]

Eugh!

Could have at least

changed his underwear!

Violet, time to rock!

WANDA: Oh, sh*t,

he's gonna sing again!

[guitar playing]

And I'm fallin' apart ♪

Yeah!

When all is said and done,

you're still the one ♪

Someone's gotta tell

The Fox he can't sing.

Holy heck, man.

VIOLET: Oh,

Cousin Cheryl's cousin

said that he went

to a club in TO,

and he met one of

the Swollen Members!

What?

See, that is exactly

what I'm talking about!

No more of this

high school trash, okay?

Tell you what

we're gonna do.

We'll kick up as much sh*t

as we can this summer,

then we'll get

the hell outta town,

middle fingers in the air!

I dunno about middle fingers

Violet!

Are you ready to change

my friggin' life?

Alright, but you can't be mad

if it looks like sh*t!

Do it!

["Voice in Your Head" by

sh*t Present playing on speaker]

- Augh!

- [Harley squeals]

- Oh-h*-h*!

- Dude?

[Violet laughs]

Lemme see, lemme see, lemme see!

Okay, okay

Is it Drew Barrymore?

Or Drew Carey?

It looks

so sick!

Holy sh*t!

This is it, Violet!

Oh my God!

New look, new city

New life!

Right?

I could tell you

I'm right here for you ♪

[excited laughter]

Holy sh*t,

you should be a hairdresser!

I gotta clean it up

a little bit.

Really?

I thought it was perfect!

Okay, so that's two

Uncle Buckets with extra skin

and a side of ribs

Yup!

- Staff meal!

- EMPLOYEES: Yeah!

CHERYL: Why is one of

them rank-a*s delivery boys

bringing it in?

WANDA: Restaurant's

short-staffed tonight.

I think that

I'm trippin' ♪

I hear Tyler's in a band.

Violet loves Ty-ler!

Not even!

Shut up!

Weenuk, Tyler.

Yow!

VIOLET: Cousin Cheryl, frig!

HARLEY: Stop buggin'.

Just talk to him!

[laughs]

Not you, sorry!

It's my friend Violet.

She's, like, totally

"Fatal Attraction" for this kid.

VIOLET: Harley, quit it.

I swear

[laughs]

No, that's what I said!

[laughs] Okay, yeah.

You take care.

[hangs up phone]

See?

Even Skin Buckets gets it.

VIOLET: Whatever.

I'm sick of this!

Wait, what are you doing?

Harley!

No, please!

HARLEY: Hi! My friend

would like your number.

WANDA: Hey, what's going on?

HARLEY: Violet wants his number.

He's in a band!

TYLER: Yeah,

we were just on Jonovision.

Who's Violet?

[Violet gasps]

TYLER: Word.

WANDA: Yeah, go on.

Get back to work.

TYLER: Enjoy the meal.

- Go on, I said.

- Okay.

Tyler's digits.

You're welcome.

Why would you do that?

Because, if I hadn't,

you were never

going to make a move.

CHERYL: Violet, get

some of that love medicine

for your boy already.

- Whatever!

- [phone ringing]

Uncle Sizzle's,

where hasty meets tasty.

Uh, this is Violet.

MALE VOICE: Whaddup,

sweet beak?

Are you a meat-lover?

Can you handle a big pepperoni?

Eugh, ew!

I got Meat Lover!

- Transfer to me.

- Okay.

[phone ringing]

[in raspy voice]

Hello Meat Lover?

MEAT LOVER: Ah

I just wanted you to know

that I'm holding

the world's most

juiciest sausage right now.

MEAT LOVER: Yeah.

Yeah, work that meat, baby!

Mmm

Yeah!

VIOLET: Harley, hang up!

HARLEY: Oopsie!

I just dropped it.

And it just slid

down my slick, wet

MEAT LOVER: Aw

Steaming

Dirty diaper!

[slams down phone]

[both laugh]

WANDA: Let's eat, guys.

Hey!

You know shotgun's gotta feed me

so I can drive, right?

You hit your noggin that hard

at grad, or what?

Man, I barely friggin' slipped.

Come on.

Yo, Wesley's back from

hockey training, huh?

Boy got jacked, though.

Even lost his

little poonch there.

[electronic beep]

Oh, dude, you're getting a page.

Nice!

My dad just got

a bunch of pickerel.

I gotta jet back before

it gets all snatched up.

Then I'm gonna meet my girl.

When are you gonna

bring her around?

I'll do what I do

when I do it.

You don't gotta know

all my business.

HARLEY: Just drop us off

near Garbage Hill, then.

This guy Jay who called

into work wants to meet up.

VIOLET: No!

No, that's how Wanda met Dale.

And he tried to melt

her copper pots for money!

Yeah, meeting

randos is real rank.

Come on, Vi

- It'll be chill!

- No.

HARLEY: If you're

not having fun,

we'll leave, I promise.

[sighs]

Fine, but I don't want

to spend another night

watching you do burp tricks

in a parking lot.

[belching]

A B

C D

[laughter]

VIOLET: My mom would sh*t

if she knew we were out here

meeting frig knows who!

HARLEY: We're 18!

We can do what we want!

I got a bad feeling!

Let's bail.

Everything is

going to be--

- [man groans loudly]

- just fine

[loud splatter]

HARLEY: Holy sh*t,

it's raining puke!

JAY: Told you you'd get sick!

VIOLET: Aw, man!

Bro!

On my f*ck' car?

Damn, boy.

Easy, pants tent.

Sorry about that, uh

He gets nervous, you know?

WOODY: Hi!

I just get a little bit nervous!

JAY: Yo, get your a*s

down here, man!

That's, uh, my boy, Woody.

Or, uh

"Meat Lover" to you,

I guess.

VIOLET: Ew, Meat Lover?

You brought us here

to hang with that pervert?

JAY: Pssht, aw, come on!

He's not that bad.

WOODY: Shouldn't have

had those raw dogs

JAY: You girls

want a drink?

Won't all that ice

rust up your car?

HARLEY: So what's up,

Days of Thunder?

Don't see many classic whips

cruising the 'Peg.

You're into cars?

VIOLET: Her dad's a mechanic.

JAY: Wicked.

HARLEY: So where'd you

get the slick ride?

I'm a

private investigator.

- A P.I.?

- That's right.

Like, how?

HARLEY: No, that's mega.

VIOLET: Is that a flare?

Yeah.

Oh, buddy, you better

not hit my f*ck' gas tank!

[laughter]

Harley, come on,

let's go!

What?

No!

What are we gonna do?

Watch "North of 60" with your

mom for the millionth time?

- We can still catch it.

- No way!

It's just one bus.

So, ladies

You ready to party?

Two, three, four! ♪

WOODY: Yo, boyeee!

HARLEY: Finally, a real party!

Tyler's playing!

HARLEY: Try to keep your bra on.

VIOLET: Don't ditch me

again, okay?

I won't!

But if we get separated,

meet up at the front

where we came in.

VIOLET: Oh

is he gonna staple him?

- No!

- [people yelling]

JAY: Diaper Piper just

got out of the hospital.

[Harley laughs]

I'll be right back, okay?

Okay.

Dude, look,

there's Showboat Shaw!

Two, three, four, yow! ♪

VIOLET: Her mom's Chicaboo

from the friendship centre

pow wow club!

SHOWBOAT: Is that

a Kid Rock thing?

Yeah, it's a Kid Rock thing,

obviously !

You don't get the vision!

- Oh my God.

- Yeah!

SHOWBOAT: I f*cking quit!

- f*ck you!

- Yeah, whatever.

SHOWBOAT: f*ck!

What's Woody doing?

- No!

- Oh!

VIOLET: No, he's not!

HARLEY: See, now

the outfit makes sense.

Are you monsters ready

for the next match?

Lemme hear you

make some noise!

[Woody cheering]

SHOWBOAT: In this corner,

we have the Woodtick!

- He's full of blood!

- Yeah! Woo!

SHOWBOAT: And who better

to flick him off

than the m*therf*cking

Garburator?!

Let's see if he can

garble up this trash!

- Why are we here?

- [bell clangs]

HARLEY: I don't know!

- [Garburator growls]

- [crowd cheering]

Oh, sh*t!

VIOLET: Oh my God!

HARLEY: He's gonna

snap him in half!

People shouldn't bend that way.

Oh, God

I'm gonna go get some snacks

and find Jay!

Dude!

♪

GARBURATOR: Where you

gonna run to, little man?

SHOWBOAT: Alls I said was

Kid Rock isn't that hard

and Tyler said I "didn't

get his vision for the band."

Focken' right!

So I quit.

CHERYL: Yeah, brutal!

Violet, you sick pig.

What're you doing here?

VIOLET: Harley's idea.

Meat Lover dragged us along.

You?

Selling pickerel.

Making a k*lling.

So, Meat Lover, huh?

He a freak?

That's him on the mat!

Harley's all moony for his bro.

SHOWBOAT: Jeez.

Hey, you know,

you did great tonight.

Yeah

Uh, I'm gonna wrap my gear

before it gets stolen.

So Showboat's your girl?

She's way outta your league.

Easy there, stage diver.

[crowd yelling

and exclaiming]

[bell clangs]

[laughter and hollering]

"Babby boy"?

Do you mean " baby boy"?

I'm not a spelling bee, biotch.

Hey! You trashed

my bestie's hat!

Yeah, well,

you should be careful

who you're messin'

around with, girlie.

Give it!

I'm not scared of you,

Mickey Carp.

You went to prom with a horse.

Oh, yeah?

HARLEY: Chugging pop.

So scared.

Fock me.

[fighters grunting]

♪

Hey, yo.

It'll be okay.

You know, just

find another band.

I can't just find

another band, Cheryl.

It took me years to get

some momentum with these guys.

I mean, you'll figure it out.

You don't get it!

You're out here chillin'.

And that's cool,

but I've got ambition.

I can't sit around

in this sh*t town

What?

Just

Just say it.

We should go back

to being friends.

I need

space.

Maybe you should figure

your sh*t out, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, you betcha.

Couldn't have said it

better myself.

Solid.

- [fighters grunting]

- [bell clangs]

Oh, it is so on.

Hey, Mickey,

I was just kiddin' around!

Then let's f*ck'

kid around, eh?

- Augh!

- [loud thud]

HARLEY: f*ck

[men yelling angrily]

Oh, sh*t!

Mickey!

Get up! Dammit, get up!

CROWD: [chanting]

Fight, fight, fight, fight

MAN: Oh, sh*t!

♪

MAN: Are you serious?

JAY: What's up, huh?

- I'm a green belt, bro!

- Yeah, okay

- [siren whoops]

- MICKEY: It's the cops!

HARLEY: sh*t!

Let's get outta here!

♪

[man grunting]

[siren wailing]

♪

VIOLET: Harley!

[siren wailing]

PARTYGOER: Cops, cops, cops!

Come on!

VIOLET: f*ck!

Oh, sh*t!

[man grunting with effort]

[siren wailing]

HARLEY: Thanks for

your help back there.

But I can defend myself.

Oh, I know, Sluggo.

So where'd you learn

to kick like that?

Is that, like, a P.I. thing,

or something?

For real?

Roadhouse.

- [Harley laughs]

- I watched that sh*t on repeat.

[Harley laughs]

Ooh

You still got

those flares, or?

Oh, you are trouble.

HARLEY: Okay

Just pull it?

JAY: Jut let 'er rip.

- Okay, are you ready?

- Alright.

[Harley squeals]

♪

HARLEY: Oh my God!

[laughter]

["Twenty-One"

by Jake Etheridge playing]

Twenty-one ♪

Ain't too far from

where I've begun ♪

To love you

and hate you at once ♪

I think I can

take this with a smile ♪

Bat your eyes ♪

And lick your teeth

and choke your laugh ♪

And when you lie ♪

It's like you're

breathing air or paying cash ♪

Seeing you,

ashamed from what ♪

SHOWBOAT: With the bust,

we probably won't get paid,

those f*ck.

And I even did double duty

when the MC bailed.

Oh man, that's so bunk.

I'm done with The Roids

anyways.

No more screamo

with the scream-bros.

I'm gonna do my own thing.

Hm.

I sometimes jam with my uncle.

We used to play Dolly Parton

at the Elders lodge.

Oh, my kookum lives there.

What happened to your face?

Stuff got real.

But I handled it.

And if you ever wanna jam,

I have a guitar.

Yeah, that'd be a'ight.

[slurping drinks]

[front door opens]

Oh-h*, nice bangs,

Lloyd Christmas!

Nice shirt, fat neck!

Holy, you're just f*ck'

snarfin' my last loaf?

Why don't you go lurk around

your own home for once?

Yeah, like I'm gonna

move to Selkirk

with my dad.

Whatever, "d*ck."

Ah

Yeah, some

Some kids tagged me.

Yeah, here.

I, uh

I hid your "diploma."

You know, my uncle

wanted to frame it.

It's probably not a good idea

to leave your rejection letter

just lying around.

Does Violet know

you didn't graduate?

Gimme that!

It's one credit.

And I'll tell her.

Hm.

Right after I tell her

that I porked her chode brother.

Wait

Do you even know

what a chode is?

Oh, f*ck off, Wesley!

I haven't even heard from you

in over a year!

What was I supposed to do,

call my house and ask for you?

You coulda written!

Oh yeah, I'm gonna write,

I'm gonna pull out

a f*cking quill and scroll

like I'm Shakespeare now.

Holy sh*t.

Grow the f*ck up!

What's wrong with you?!

Man, you grow up.

You kissed me first!

Whatever,

like I give a sh*t.

I'm gonna be out of here

at the end of the summer anyway.

Oh

Oh, you're gonna follow

my sister to university, huh?

Yeah, wow,

that's a great plan.

No one's gonna hire

a high school drop out.

d*ck sandwich.

Hm!

That's what you are!

Wha

Ow, f*ck!

VIOLET: Where'd you go?

You ditched me.

I know.

I know, big loser move, okay?

But

I got your hat back!

[giggles]

I fought friggin' Mickey Carp

for your honour.

[both laugh]

You idiot.

How's the girl?

What girl?

Sounded like a girl

was yelling at Wes.

Oh yeah.

That girl.

I just saw her leave.

[sleepily] Oh

Do we know her?

No.

Mm

Always with

the messy girl drama.

Totally.

Goodnight.

♪

♪