02x08 - Rachel

[bunniefuu]

So, Rachel! Hearin' a lotta buzz about
your marketing presentation next week!

I hear it may even be, dare I say,
promotion worthy? Question mark?

It's really not that big'a deal.

Under promise, over deliver.
I like your style, Rach. Smart.

Just hearing about this presentation
is giving me some sick leakage!

May I be excused? I should change into my
shitty underwear before these are soaked!

Really bummed I'm gonna
miss it, Rach.

Is everything okay, guys?

Rachel, this is our very own,
very expensive bottle of...

wine.

My father had it sent to me on the day of
my 8th grade graduation, with this note:

"Drink this when life
can't get any better."

Well, dad. It's time we finally say,
'Cheers'.

- Stebe, That's so swee...
- Don't touch it!

You have you lost
your freakin' mind, lady?

You think this is the day?
That my life couldn't get any better?

- We're being bled dry, Rachel!
- Got investors crawling up my a*s!

That thing about my underwear
was no disingenuous anecdote!

- Debt collectors calling day and night!
- I'm down to three pairs!

We open that bottle after your
presentation saves the company. Capisce!?

Pressure's on!

{\an8}Welcome back, folks.

{\an8}We are moments away from finding out
whether young Andy and Eve here

{\an8}are simply husband and wife...
or more than that.

{\an8}Gimme a break, look at those nostrils!

{\an8}I think we got ourselves first cousins
here, Frances!

{\an8}Siblings? You are crazy, dude.

{\an8}My god, he's here!

{\an8}How do I look?

You're so nasty!

Hey, Rachel! Got a Git Stuffed
pasta Burger, hold the mushrooms.

And a mondo BD Energy Drink
with extra sugar.

Thanks, Dan! Hey, Kith or Kin is on!
You wanna come in?

I'd love to, I still got some orders
in the back

that I was supposed to deliver first.
Maybe next time I'll do you last!

I do like it cold and soggy!

Well, till next time!
M'lady!

Yes...

"I like it cold and soggy"?

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up over
there, peanut gallery.

In my hand I hold the results
to their DNA tests'.

Let's find out once and for all
if they are in fact... related.

Andy, you nervous?

We have three children, Dr. Chooch.
This would ruin our lives.

Well folks, they are...

Hi, everyone. Sorry!

Well! It appears our core operatives
are here:

Rachel, General Gila,
Senator Ziglot,

Dr. Queequeg and NFL Superbowl MVP
Patrick Mahomes.

Operation Flourish,
I render you... at ease.

To Subterra!

To the glory of our people!
To the glory of our Queen!

Rachel? We're waiting.

Sorry! Damn Land Rover's
been hella finicky lately.

As we enter our critical stages,

I wanted to ensure there are
no remaining loose ends.

Patrick? Perhaps you can
kick things off.

I'm in all the 'mmercials.
Everyone wants a piece of Mahomes.

You think Tom Brady's
in more 'mmercials than me?

Patrick, you are a dream. Dr. Queequeg,
how is the formula coming along?

It is complete. We've run several trials
and it appears the spores

will now flourish when the following
frequency is emitted. Behold!

Wonderful.

It's a midi version of Aqua's
Barbie Girl.

It's programmed into every one of these
VALU-TOYZ Portable Karaoke Machines

on the market!

Genius as always, Dr. And Rachel?
How are things at Royal Crackers?

- Great!
- She's lying, my queen!

She's done nothing to make Royal Crackers
the pantry staple we require for our...

Oh god, you're just upset
I find you so repulsive.

That's the other thing!
She doesn't want to have sex with me!

Enough!
You are all dismissed.

Rachel? In my private chamber.
Now.

We have a four star general
fighting three shadow wars,

a top-tier scientist overseeing multiple
government laboratories,

a Senator on the verge of the presidency,

and an all-pro quarterback
with multiple Superbowl rings.

But Spora be damned if my own flesh
and blood

can't market a simple cr*cker company!

What did you expect when you gave me this
shabby piece of sh*t to work with?

For the last time,
I need a hotter Land Rover!

Did you do something
different to its hair?

- What? No.
- It looks... different.

Why, you don't like it?

This is my fault for giving you this
responsibility in the first place.

How hard could it be to get the Surfacers
to eat snacks, I thought.

Dr. Queequeg is right.

You don't have the cutthroat,
k*ller instinct we need.

Fortunately, he just completed
construction on a brand new Land Rover.

Good evening, Rachel!

Your big sister will be accompanying
you on the surface from now on.

What?

I know your sister isn't the most...
personable of our ilk

but her stiff upper lip and wicked
determination will be of great use,

since you're not getting the job done.

You'll also need me for clearance

once the elevation pods no longer allow
degenerate wh*res inside.

Fine! Don't come crying to me when the
male-dominated snack biz eats you alive!

b*tch!

Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Rachel's Big Presentation!

Knock 'em cold!

Sorry I'm late, sister.

Hello, everyone.
My name is Robin.

I take it my block-headed
sister forgot

to inform you that I recently graduated
from University of California, Davis

and she was kind enough to grant me
an internship here at your company.

Oh no! I interrupted your presentation,
Rachel! I'll just be out of your way.

U.C. Davis, huh?
That's crazy!

Musta' been exhausting! All those
immature frat boys hittin' on ya'.

I cut up many a rug
in my university days.

I still enjoy a good party.
Perhaps you and I...

She doesn't want to have
sex with you, dude!

You're freaking her out, man!

Yeesh. Hate to see these poor b*stards
when the boss man ain't around

to hold onto their leash, huh, Robin?
I'm Stebe. But you can call me Boss Man.

Will you gross a*s creeps let
Rachel do her presentation?

Welcome to Rachel's Big Presentation.

- You said that already!
- Get on with it!

This is Snacks and the City,

one of the most prestigious snack
and hot sauce blogs on the west coast.

Well! I almost got us a shout out
in the pantry staple must-haves.

But it was very close.

Is that it!?
You almost got us on a blog post?

It's really popular
with suicidal divorcees.

The issue my sister is highlighting is

a lack of brand awareness
beyond Bakersfield.

But fortunately, analytical research on
targeted advertising has helped us concoct

the perfect product to help us
plant a new flag.

RC Snackitz! Two traditional Royal cr*cker
saltines sandwiched

with a delicious spread of our own design.

It is mathematically proven to be hit
amongst the Surfacers.

She means humans!
People! Customers!

Yeah, Surfacers.
We know what she meant, dude!

Unfortunately, with our limited
product output,

it would be impossible to inundate
and move the market as needed.

Not so easy is it?

Actually! If we were to install overdrive
couplings on the factory's Gen-3's

our machines might be able to handle
the workload.

You know, there might be some cash
sitting in our R&D reserve.

But be ready for a dust up
with the city's regulatory bill.

I'll make some calls. But we'll
need to pass an B75 stress test.

I'll take the weekend to carry out
a full sweep of our network code

and plug any holes
in our script calibrations.

What is going on?

Robin! Are you telling me that
if we pull this off

and reach a forty thousand percent
output increase then...

Royal Crackers will be number one.

- Go Mustangs!
- Robin's better!

Hi. I'm NFL Super Bowl
MVP Patrick Mahomes.

And when I'm in need for a quick snack,
I reach for a box of RC Snackitz!

That's right. Royal Crackers has made
a generous donation

and we are now providing humanitarian
aid by dropping crates

of delicious RC Snackitz
on our distressed allies!

I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie

Life is plastic

I don't know how much longer I can put up
with these dreaded Surfacers.

Our species will make far better use
of the upper land.

My delivery guy's here.

- Hi, Dan!
- Oh, M'Lady!

Here's your food. I couldn't help but
notice it looks like a dinner for two.

Bet you got some hot stud in there!

No! No!
It's actually just my sister and I.

Hey, I actually have two tickets to a live
taping of Kith or Kin next week.

Wanna Chooch out
with the Dan Dogg?

Yes! It would be good for me

to learn about your culture.

Cool!

I bid you farewell,
my royal queen.

Bye, Dan!

You have grown an affinity
for these Surfacers, haven't you?

OK. You got me. I like having food
delivered to my doorstep

by a sex god like Dan,
and I like the dumb TV shows.

But what I like most of all is
that I don't have to pretend

to be anyone other
than who I am!

Great, now you're going
to NARC me out to mom.

Rachel, we're sisters.
Your secret's safe with me.

There she is!
My beautiful, radiant daughter!

- Thanks, mother!
- Is the test subject ready?

Indeed.
We are ready to initiate.

Excellent!
Then it's time we celebrate!

Let the festivities begin!

No! No...

Tell us, Surfacer.

When was the last time you ingested
a box of RC Snackitz?

Just one box before bed every night!

Dr. Queequeg! Activate the signal!

Something wrong... sis?

Stebe, I really, really
need to talk to you.

Just you?

Okay, come in.

Wow, you've really made
some changes in here.

What are you talking about, Rach?!
I've always had this stuff.

What is that thing?!

Rachel, I'd like you to meet
the first batch

of our new and improved RC SNACKIT
SUPERCHARGED spread!

If we thought the original formula was a
hit wait till people get a taste of this!

Baby's packed with flavor!

They say don't get high on your own
supply, but I don't say that!

Stebe! We need to cease production
of RC SNACKITZ immediately.

The fate of humanity depends on it!

I see what this is about. Come. Let's
have a rap sesh with the boss man.

Look, I get it. So your sister has made
some waves here at Royal Crackers.

You can't let jealousy stand
in the way of success, Rach.

You are not listening to me!
Everyone you know will die!

No you listen! We need RC SNACKITZ!
We need them! I need them!

I'm nothing without all my precious
things! Look at this place!

That's a real pinball machine!
you won't take my things.

Hey, there she is!

I didn't realize we were having
a meeting.

You hear your sister, Robin!? She wants
to "cease production on RC Snackitz"

because they're going to
"Destroy humanity as we know it".

I'm no Dr. Chooch, but I don't need
a DNA test to tell me

that you guys are
definitely sibling rivals!

Family. Esteemed colleagues. Matt.
I'd like to make a little announcement.

Royal Crackers stock is officially up.

Now I know that with all this money
rolling in,

it's tempting to go
"Pimp My Ride" with it all,

but I want to make sure that we
don't let this success go to our head.

What about your ugly fedora?

What, this old thing?
I've had this forever.

It still has the tag on, Pharrell.

Alright, at any rate, let's not forget
the very reason we're here to begin with:

Robin, you have single handedly saved
this family and our company

from financial ruin.
So without further ado...

Let's get f*cked up!

Oh hey, it's Rachel!
Hey, Rachel!

- Should we invite her in?
- Nah, I think she's good.

You're the only one who gets me,
Francey.

And you are sure?

I heard it through
my own Land Rover's ears!

If it weren't for her superiors' complete
lack of respect for her,

she could have
ruined everything!

A traitor? What a disgrace.

That tracks. She wouldn't even accept
my invitation to eat feces

at the mess hall together!
Red flag!

Mother. She's one of them now.

Do what has to be done.

Oh, no! What is that?

Hang tight, Frances!
I'll get us out of here!

Francesca!

Francesca!

Francesca, Francesca, please!
Hold on! Don't go!

You can't leave me!
Please!

So I know you all are aware about
the complaints about intestinal pain

when consuming RC Snackitz.

And I just want to say,
I'm not trippin'.

However... according to the ticker
tape in my office our stock price

is on a precipitous descent.

Oh my god what are we gonna do?
Someone has to find Robin!

Does anyone have her cel number?

I'm happy to reach out
and just say "what's up?"

- We need Rachel to find Robin!
- Where is Rachel?!

Ladies and gentlemen.
Today we begin our venture to the surface.

Oh, god!

We will obliterate
all the surfacers to kingdom come...

Yes!

To the glory of Subterra.

To the glory of our people.

To the glory of the queen.

To the glory of the queen!

- f*ck!
- What in Spora...

God, no!

Rachel.