02x02 - Catalina

[bunniefuu]

First off, I'd like
to thank you all

for being part
of today's focus group.

My name is Alfred Winstanley,
and in front of you

are serving bowls of our
company's latest concoction.

Please, enjoy.

[Crunching]

-Hmm.
-Mmm. Salty.

Tastes like the body of Christ
at a local church.

Reminds me of the rations
we ate in the cut.

Yeah.
[Wind blowing, g*ns firing]

That unmistakable rush
of stabbing a man

in the throat
with a bayonet.

What if I told you that you were
eating none other

than the new-and-improved
saltines

from Royal Crackers,
Incorporated?

Wait, is this
the Royal Crackers building?!

Is that why we were blindfolded
after being abducted?

Take us back to the DMV
this instant!

Weren't these single-handedly
responsible

for a statewide
polio outbreak?

Any man or child who falls
to illness is dead weight.

Kick 'em out of the foxhole

and let the a*tillery
sort 'em out, I say.

I'll never give a dollar
to your company

as long as Theodore Hornsby
remains at the helm.

He's a monster!
And quite the eyesore.

He's not more than a sad old man
stuck in the past.

And a bigot!

-Aaah!
-What the hell?

Well, well, well,
where do I f-f...

f*cking sh*t!
[People gasp]

Where do I begin?

Okay, you first!
I'm an eyesore?

Why, if I hadn't shattered
that two-way mirror,

I'd ask you to take
a good look at yourself

and explain how that crucifix
hasn't burned through

that Nosferatu-like body
of yours!

Be gone, Satan.
You there!

Aah!
You think I'm stuck
in the past, unhip?

I've rubbed elbows
with the likes

of Buford Stanley
and the Spinners,

Fred Gladys
and the Brooklyn Berries,

Donald Grimley
and the Puerto Rican Seven!

[All groan]
And then you have the nerve
to call me a bigot?

I'm sorry,
then why are there two

Donald Grimley and the
Puerto Rican Seven albums

in my record collection?
[Crying]

And you!
[Women gasp]

You're alright, actually.
I-I like you.

No notes!

And you. If I had any idea
what race you were,

I'd be having a field day
right now.

Good day!

[Thud]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

So, due to Theo's
provocative bleat,

every network has stopped
running our ads,

and supermarkets
have pulled Royal Crackers

from their shelves.
We're canceled.

Welp!
It's been a fun ride.

I don't know
about you guys,

but I'm going out
the old-fashioned way.

-Don't gotta twist my arm!
-This is for Putin!

Everyone cool it!
Look at yourselves!

Since when has a little bump
in the road ever stopped us

from being the best snack-food
company in the world?

We'll get through this.

And we'll get through it...
together.

The years I've wasted

searching for such wisdom.

I bow to you, Steben.

But what about Putin?

Putin? I don't give
a flyin' cuss about Putin.

Or tootin'!
[Farts]

[Laughter]

[As Urkel]
Did I do that?

[Laughter]

I love you, Stebe!

Aah! Aah!

[Screams]

[Panting]

Dad?
I had another bad dream.

Would it be okay if
maybe I-I-I

slept in here tonight
again?

Thanks, Dad.

Ah! Alright.

Sleep time.

Going to sleep.

Three, two, one, sleep.

One ... One ticket
to sleep land, please.

Oh, okay, guys.
So first thing on the agenda ...

Theo's provocative bleat.

What?! I don't even have
a Bleater account, moron!

Yeah, there's nothing on
your agenda about that, Stebe.

In fact,
It's just a drawing of ...

Is this a dog?
Yeah.

Been having
recurring nightmares

about a humanoid dog monster
for six weeks now.

Haven't slept a wink.

But creative juices
are flowin',

and I got
a big announcement.

Uh, maybe you should get
some rest, hon.

Go home
and put on some ...

Did someone say Putin?

[Farts and grunts]

[All gagging]

[As Urkel]
Did I do that?

[Vomits] You need to
see a doctor, my guy!

[Alarm blaring,
people screaming]

I-I have
a big announcement!

From the sick mind
of Stebe Hornsby,

everyone make some noise for
the new Royal Crackers mascot,

Mr. Cracky!
Aah!

Oh, my God!
f*ck that!

[g*nshots]

Stebe, is this the creature
from your nightmares?

Why would you pitch
a mascot from your nightmares?!

Get away from me,
you freak!

Therapist said I gotta harness
my fears through creativity.

Now I'm in the pilot seat.

[Gasps]

[Groaning]

I...ugh!

I can't...breathe.

Agh!
Oh, my God!

-Al! Al!
-Are you okay!

Do you love it!

-Al!
-Al!

[Dance music playing]

Hornsby Sr.: Lady and gentleman,
I'd like you all to meet
Mr. Cracky,

a flamboyant cartoon dog
that will serve as the mascot

for Royal Crackers'
newest frontier!

Who drew that?

Uh, uh, he did!

I-I told him,
it has too many colors!

No, it's wonderful!

Your childlike
sensibility

is exactly what we need
around here!

What?!

He's also much easier
on the eyes.

Uh, s-so ...
so I know this board

has voiced concern
about our plummeting sales

and their correlation with
public perception of me as CEO,

baseless accusations
that I'm coldhearted,

vain, narcissistic!

Well, would a narcissist
create this?

HornsbyLand,

a seaside theme park
that will provide fun

for adults
and younglings alike!

Visitors will be greeted
by a beautiful 100-foot statue

of myself
and Mr. Cracky!
Oh, boy...

Enjoy a leisurely stroll
through Cartoon Avenue

in your very own
Mr. Cracky mobile.

Oh, I like that!

Now slam it into Howard Hughes'
private airplane!

[All gasp]
The Lindbergh Pursuit.

Can you out-pilot
and expose him

for the over-celebrated fraud
that he is?

Or the Amelia Earhart Skynanza,

where you'll crash
into the ocean,

confirming everyone's
well-placed biases!

Are you mad?!
Do you have some sort
of resentment

against aviation?
Now, I know what
you're thinking ...

"How do we skirt the unrelenting
cost of beachfront property?"

This is Catalina Island,

right off the California coast
and free for the taking.

And this is Hornsby Bridge,

the longest and most expensive
bridge ever built!

Stop!
Oh!

You want to turn
Catalina Island

into a tourist destination?

It's completely infested

with the most ruthless savages
known to man!

What? But ...
But...HornsbyLand!

Enough! You have done
irreparable damage
to this company,

and we will not stand by
as you bankrupt it further

with your questionably
motivated decisions.

I hereby call for a vote
of no confidence!

All in favor of the immediate
removal of this man,

sit perfectly still
and gawk menacingly at him.

♪♪

But ... But I built this company
from the ground up,

all by my lonesome!

It's everything to me!

Mr. Hornsby,
you are officially terminated

as CEO
of Royal Crackers.

[Snores]

Mr. Cracky Mascot:
[Knocking on door] Stebe?

Stebe? I'm still looking
to get that payment.

Oh, God!
[Breathing heavily]

Stebe, I'm not trying
to make trouble here.

You swore to pay
the union minimum!

Go away!
Get out of my dreams!

Look, I'm sorry the old guy
had a heart attack,

but that
wasn't my fault.

I'm coming in, okay?
No! I hate you!

Okay, Stebe,
you do this,

you escape
this twisted nightmare

and wake up snuggling
with your dad in his bed.

Stebe?
Aah!

Aaaaah!

Get in!

[Tires screech]

Theo, you need to wake me up
from this dream.

You're not dreaming,
Stebe.

And Mr. Cracky didn't come
from your imagination.

Oh, yeah? Where'd he come from,
then? My butthole?

Not exactly.
Look in the glove box.

[Gasps]

My d*ck?
What? No!

The plushy!

[Gasps]

Listen, Alfred,
I'm sure you think

that my stepping down as CEO
is all your fault.

Well,
rest your concerns.

After today,
we'll be well on our way

to becoming America's newest
theme park tycoons.

Catalina Island
is as good as ours!

[Slurps]

Uh, I'm starting
to have...

second thoughts
about our trip, sir.

Perhaps we can ask our pilot
to take us home?

Pilot? Oh, right.
I forgot he was up there.

God, look at that
piece of sh*t.

I mean,
what a waste of space.

You know his vote counts
just as much as ours does,

you realize that,
don't you?

Makes me sick.

Why do you have such animosity
toward ...

Alfred, look!
There she is!

♪♪

We should approach
with caution, sir.

The locals are rumored
to be quite volatile.

Ha!
What are they gonna do?

Fling sand at us
from their swimming bottoms?

What the piss?

Fifty bucks, Stebe!

Aah!
Aah!

Mr. Hornsby!
Put on a life preserver!

Don't be a coward,
Alfred!

By my count, we still have
one working engine.

Take the wheel!
Aah!

Jesus Christ! Who trained
these barbarians?

Lee Harvey Oswald?!

What are you doing?!
You wanna get out

and face that genocide
of a costume you created?

Fair point. Reload!
Stebe, look out!

Armadillo!

[Car crashes]

[Both scream]

Hang on, sir!

♪♪

I can't hold on
any longer!

♪♪

[Train horn blows]

[Tires screech]

[Both screaming]

Stebe: I don't understand.
Does this mean Mr. Cracky

is a pre-existing
intellectual property?

Yep, I found
that little freak

in a Chucklebee's claw machine
a few years back.

I shattered the glass
and snatched it

and ran out of there,
but I passed out from blood loss

before I could
get to the exit.

Woke up a few hours later,
and the staff was like,

"Here, take it!

Get out of our restaurant!"

[Laughs]
Dumbasses!

You mean you were having
these nightmares, too?

I thought I shook 'em for good,
but your little presentation

just reopened
Pandora's box.

HornsbyLand.

What's a HornsbyLand?

[Tires screech]

I think today's the day
we find out, Stebe.

I did some digging on AltaVista
this morning

and was able
to find an address.

It's right on the other side
of this bridge.

♪♪

♪♪

Hornsby Sr.: Rest easy, soldier.
You died a hero's death.

I'll start making preparations
for your burial at sea.

Hmm. He does have a lot of meat
on him, though.

[Coughs]
Aah!

Mr. Hornsby!
Where's our pilot?

Trust me, you won't
be seeing him again,

not until he's on
the "d*ck Corbett Show"

promoting
his exploitive tell-all

recounting his brush with death
over Catalina.

Mr. Hornsby!
Our seaplane!

Perhaps the radio
is still functional.

We can transmit an SOS
to the coast guard

so they can organize
a search party.

This may be our only chance,
Mr. Hornsby.

We should tread lightly.

The island could be riddled
with booby traps.

Mr. Hornsby?

Seaplane!

Aah!

Utzi wutzi!
Utzi wutzi!

Utzi wutzi!

[All talking indistinctly]

Well, Alfred,

I'm afraid the naysayers
may have been right ...

Catalina Island sucks.

Hey!

Learn to control your children,
you g*dd*mn animals!

Ow!
Utzi!

That's right!
Run, you little scamps!

Mr. Hornsby,
our pilot!

[Groaning]

Oh, please!
Please don't k*ll me!

When I get home,
I'll score a multi-book deal!

I'll cut you in! Tell-alls
about aviation disasters

are the most lucrative
cash-grab imaginable!

Utzi...

wutzi!

No, no, no!
What are you doing?

[Sobbing]

Now's our chance.
Stand back, Mr. Hornsby!

[Grunting]

Alfred,
where are you going?

The seaplane
is that way!

I'm going to
rescue our pilot.

We don't leave
a soldier behind.
Is that right?

Personally, I prefer soldiers
who don't get caught.

Oh, what?
Is that a crazy thing to say?

All: [Chanting]
Utzi wutzi...
Oh! Ow!

...utzi wutzi,
utzi wutzi.
[Groans] Ow!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Ah! Utzi.

Utzi wutzi, utzi wutzi,
utzi wutzi.

[Creature growls]

Utzi wutzi, utzi wutzi,

utzi wutzi,
utzi wutzi.

Oh, please, oh, please,
oh, no, oh, no.
Utzi wutzi, utzi wutzi.

Aah!

Utzi wutzi!

Holy f*cking sh*t!
A chupacabra!

God in heaven!

[All shouting]

Utzi!

Utzi wutzi.

Aah!

♪♪

[All gasp]

[Panting]

[Grunts]

Utzi wutzi!

Alfred, I think I'm ready
to tell you

why I have so much...
hatred for pilots.

A few years ago, I boarded
a commercial airline flight

coming home
from Sacramento.

Everything was going smoothly
till this flight captain's voice

pierced through the intercom
with a disturbing announcement.

He said that the plane
would be taking off shortly

and he would be getting us
to Bakersfield Airport

safely within the hour.

He would be getting me home
safely.

He flaunted his control
over my mortality

like some sort of god
amongst men.

Is that the end
of the story, sir?

Wow, I've never opened up
like that.

Feel like a weight has been
lifted off my shoulders.

Please, take this tale
to the grave with you.

Uh...y-yes, I won't be telling
a soul that story, sir.

[Cracking]
[Gasps]

What the f*ck was that?!

By heavens!

Do you think ...
Do I think

that we just stumbled upon
the egg of a chupacabra?!

Hand me your coat!

We just found my star
attraction, you idiot!

A live chupacabra!
No!

No, no, no, Mr. Hornsby,
this is too much.

Let's just get out of the cave
at once.

[Chupacabra growls]
Hey, Alfred, ol' buddy.

Do you perhaps care
to explain this?

Mr. Hornsby, please!

I'm not even sure
I want the CEO position!

I opened up to you,
told you that plane story!

I never told anyone that
before!

Well you shouldn't have!
It's barely even a story!

How could you do this
to me?

[Chupacabra growling]

♪♪

Mr. Hornsby,
give me the egg.

Why, so you can take it back
to your little fan club

on the board and steal more
of my achievements?!

Stand back, chupacabra!
I wish this youngling no harm!

But I will drop this
if you come any further.

[Both grunt]

♪♪

[Roars]

So long, f*ck!

[Laughs evilly]

[Engine shuts off]

♪♪

[Vehicle approaches]

Oh, this m*therf*cker
doesn't give up!

♪♪

[Vehicle door opens, closes]

Al?!
Al?!

Theo! Steben!

Go no further!
I beg of you!

How did you find us?

Please, leave this cesspit
at once!

Cesspit? Dude,
this seems like

it would be a dope
vacation spot!

Catalina Island
is a doomed lump of sh*t

in a toilet
of ocean water!

Years ago, your father and I
ignored the warnings

that, if we came here,
we'd never return home.

And I, fear the young idealist
I was, never truly did.

Theodore,
place the egg down now,

and it might
leave us alone!

Go suck a d*ck, Judas!

Sorry, but there's only room
for one on this seaplane!

Oh really!?
Are you well-versed

in operating a flight radio,
sir?

Oh...
Johnny's bananas!

The radio is completely
destroyed!

[Both scream]

Theodore! Help!
Help me, please!

Please, Theodore,
try to start the plane!

It's our only hope!

You want me
to become a pilot?

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine starts]

Ha!

[Grunts]

Yes!
I get it now!

So much power!

♪♪

[Groans] Aah!

Get me home safely,
will you? Aah!

[Screaming]

[Laughs]

My whole life I've tried to
protect the world
from your father.

Don't let me fail once again.

I even spent my own money
on child psychologists,

who worked tirelessly to ensure

you'd never remember
this godforsaken place.

By venturing further, you would
be undoing all of that.

Sorry, Al, but our father
was a great man.

And these nightmares
stop tonight.

Ha ha! What a rush!

Those Wright Brothers
are the goats!

Uh...Mr. Hornsby?

♪♪

[Cracking]

♪♪

[Whines]

Utzi wutzi!

[All speaking indistinctly]

All: [Chanting]
Utzi wutzi, utzi wutzi.

[Laughing]
Utzi wutzi, utzi wutzi.

Utzi wutzi.

Hornsby Sr.: And with my
tell-all sitting comfortably

at number one
on the best-sellers list,

Royal Crackers sales numbers
are officially back on the rise!

Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.

Although, I am technically
a god now,

so I guess I shouldn't
expect any less!

[Laughter]

I can't believe we doubted you,
Theodore.

Catalina Island is
officially property

of Royal Crackers
Incorporated,

and HornsbyLand construction
is moving along swiftly.

And completely
free of cost.

Mr. Hornsby, this board
owes you quite the apology.

This board has nothing
to apologize for.

I can be a bit
of a handful!

[Laughter]

Wonderful to have you back,
Theodore.

[Chuckles]

That Hornsby sure knows
how to spin a turd into gold.

[Both laugh]

What the?
Where is this taking us?

Oh, what's happening?

Preposterous.

[Growling]

Aah! Oh, my God!

[Gasps]

[Old-timey music plays]

Why, there's those two
little f*cking assholes!

Don't touch me!
This is a place of business!

Look what Daddy made
all by his lonesome, boys!

Ha ha ha ha!

[People screaming]

Holy sh*t!

Jesus Christ!

f*ck!
f*cking sh*t!

[People screaming]
[Roars]

♪♪

Utzi wutzi!

[Whimpers]
[Camera shutters clicking]

No, no, no!

No witnesses!

Utzi wutzi!

Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

Alfred, I hope my squashing
of your little coup attempt

doesn't make you feel small...
and powerless.

Water under the bridge,
huh?

[Elevator bell dings]

Well, look at that!
[Gasps]

What timing! Ha ha!
Better take it now.

Damn lift moves like a sloth
on a tree.

Go on. Take it.
I insist. Take it.

Goodbye, Alfred.
Bye-bye, now.

Have a great weekend!
Goodbye, Alfred!

Bye-bye, now!

♪ Pecked by the seagulls,
hanging from the gallows ♪

♪♪

♪ Swinging in the breeze ♪

♪ Dripping something
on the street ♪

♪ I can see him from my window ♪

♪ They can see him
from the water ♪

♪♪

Chirp.