01x09 - CrackerCon

[bunniefuu]

Deb, wake up!

Get to the garage.
There's no time to explain.

Stebe, what is going on?

Sit.

So you know how I've been
in here night after night

for the last six months trying to come up

with the perfect presentation
for cr*cker Con?

- No.
- Well, I've finally done it.

Deb Hornsby, I'd like you to be
the first human ever

to meet Royal Crackers new mascot...

Captain cr*cker.

Oh, wow! That really
shows off your body, Stebe.

I know. It's also designed to
withstand 450 degrees of heat,

the exact temperature
our crackers bake at.

Seems a little unnecessary but okay.

Captain cr*cker originally
hails from Earth

but a space mishap sent him
deep into the galaxy

- where he landed on planet Cracktus...
- Fun.

...which was inhabited
by ruthless native savages.

But Captain cr*cker,
with his supreme intelligence...

...dismantled their feeble customs

and forced them to assimilate
to his culture...

Oh, I don't know about that.

...allowing him to reap
Cracktus' natural resources

to create the universe's
most delicious snack,

Royal Crackers.

Well? What do you think?

Uh, it seems...

It's great.

I thought so, too. I was like,

"This seems perfectly tailored
for a cr*cker Convention."

Great, so it's settled... from now on,

shoes must be worn in the bathroom.

More bureaucratic red tape
to ruin the fun, huh?

Nobody's on your side on this, Al.

Finally, last order of business...

cr*cker Con, where all
the big dogs in the snack biz

head to Primm, Nevada to sniff
out which dogs are all bark,

- and which ones are willing to bite...
- Stebe...

...and this year, we want
everyone sniffing our butts...

- Stebe, uh...
- ...and not Dennison Snacks' butts.

When are you gonna accept
that you're terrible with metaphors?

Look th... the point is,

Dennison Snacks has outshined us
for the last time,

because this year,
with our brand new innovation,

mini-bags, we're primed
to bring the house down.

- Brilliant! It's brilliant.
- So smart. It can't miss.

But, of course, in order to do that,

we're going to need
one kickass presentation.

That's why this year,
I won't be the one presenting...

- Oh, thank God.
- Smart, Stebe.

Know your weaknesses.

A wall is only as strong
as its loosest brick.

Now that's a metaphor.

It's about time we utilize
my stage powers, Stebe,

because I came up with the perfect idea
for the presentation.

This is the cr*cker Cannon.

It's got "shut the f*ck up
and eat our crackers"

written all over it.

Whoa, okay, alright, sorry,
I've got to dial it back.

- Mmm. Taste's even better.
- It's delicious.

All in favor of me
doing the presentation this year

armed with this bad boy,
say "cr*cker Cannon."

cr*cker Cannon!

Yeah!

Hell yeah dude!

- Yeah!
- Very good!

Hey, it's the Royal Crackers team.

All hail the royal family of crackers.

What do you want, Dennison?

Well, I just wanted to tell ya

that I hope you all have
a great convention.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm handling the presentation this year,
so we got Best in Show on lock.

Yikes. Well, we're following you guys so
I hope your presentation isn't too good.

Ah, I'm just kidding.
A rising tide lifts all boats.

Good luck.

That guy's a real a piece of sh*t.

Alright, worker bees,
queen bee's got to head out

but I'll be back by showtime
to bring home that honey.

The Queen bee doesn't leave the hive.

Some metaphor.

Hey, it's not just about the presentation,
we've also got to work the booth.

I'm a headliner, okay?
I've got to get in the right head space.

It's very nuanced and personal process,
and I don't want to get into it right now.

- What's your process?
- I get my d*ck sucked.

This isn't a NuMetal show, Theo.

You don't need to exploit some poor girl
to give a business presentation.

First of all, every show I do
is a NuMetal show, Deb.

And I'm not exploiting anyone, okay?

I've got an old flame
in Primm named Hazelnut.

She was so into me, you could argue that
I'll be the one being exploited.

Hazelnut?

What is she, a stripper or something?

No, she's not a stripper.

Oh, my God, Deb. What do you take me for?

Jesus, I'm out of here. Bye.

- Where are you guys going?
- With Theo, obviously.

We'll be like Leo DiCap's p*ssy Posse.

What the heck does that mean?

Ha! Imagine, gentlemen,
not understanding that reference.

So where's this girlfriend of yours, Theo?

Ha! She's not my girlfriend, Grandpa.

We had an arrangement.
TainT would come into town,

and then she would go to town
on my rock-hard body.

She sounds like a real special gal, Theo.

Whoa! The cheetah one
just touched my shoulder.

I think she's into me. What do I do?

Should I talk to her?
Do you dare me to talk to her?

'Cause I'll do it.
Don't even test me like that.

Ooh, I hear wedding bells.

Darby. This is what they do.

They make you think they're into you.

Next thing you know you're forkin' over
thousands of dollars at the ATM.

Get a grip, guys.

Look, I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go see if my girlfriend's
on the schedule tonight.

Wow. This is the kind of
inside intelligence

only a guy like Theo can provide.

Hey, hot stuff,
is Hazelnut workin' tonight?

Who? Don't worry, I'm not some creep.
Her and I have a thing.

And before you even ask,
uh, yeah, it's real.

Look, I'm Theo Hornsby.

Lead singer of TainT?

Matt Pinfield did a piece
about us on Pinfield Presents.

Who's Matt Pinfield?

There's no time for that.

I'm presenting at cr*cker Con tonight,

and I can't go onstage
without seeing Hazelnut.

- Where is she?
- Sorry, pal.

We have this unique policy

where we don't give out
dancer's personal info.

Okay, I see what's happening here.

You think I'm this loser lost
in some fantasy over a dancer.

Dude, even if I could help you,
you have any idea how many dancers

have used the stage name Hazelnut?

You think Hazelnut was her stage name?

Hey, Theo. Big TainT-head over here.

And performer to performer, I get it.

Listen, there's a computer database
in the manager's office.

It has every dancer
that's ever worked here.

Addresses, phone numbers,
pictures... you name it.

Oh, nice. Thanks, dude. You're alright.

No problem.

Uh, hey, I was just wondering
if I could give you this?

Maybe you can give my stuff a listen?

Sorry, dude, I'm not helping some hack

who sits around pushing "play"
on a MacBook.

I've been interviewed by the likes
of Matt Pinfield, loser.

Don't you ever compare yourself to me!

Alright, alright, uh, l-let's...
let's keep it going for...

Listen, I'm sorry, everyone.

I just can't perform right now.

It's true what they say.
Never meet your heroes.

Okay, everybody relax. Samples are coming.

Uh, honey, do you think
you could help me out over here?

Help? Wow, Deb, that's rich.

You couldn't even speak up
for me at the meeting.

Now you want my help? Thank you.

I've never laughed so hard in my life.

Ugh, Stebe. Captain cr*cker
was not the brilliant idea

you think it was, okay?

You didn't like the suit?

Matt, cover your ears.

That suit has been dominating
my sexual fantasies

since the moment I laid eyes on it.

It was everything else
that was the problem.

- What everything else?
- Uh, the origin story?

It's wildly problematic.

You're just not hearing it right.

The Indigenous people of Cracktus
didn't know what was best for them.

Captain cr*cker showed them
their true potential

with his superior... mind...

Okay, you know what? I'm out of here.

Maybe I'll go find
one human being around here

who isn't constantly trying
to make me feel so small!

Great. You're just going to leave me here

with your incapacitated father
and our useless son?

Calm down. His ears were covered.

Matt, you can put them down now.

I'm in.

There you are, you beautiful angel.

Don't you worry. Theo's gonna save you

from all those creepy psychos.

Hey! What the hell are you doing in here?

Wait. Let me explain.

You come into my club, belittle my deejay,

use up my ink cartridge,

and now you're trying to stalk
one of my girls?

Performers aren't property, suit.

It's not what you think.

Hazelnut and I have a real connection.

If I hadn't been
such a rebellious road dog,

we might have a hundred babies right now.

You're lucky I'm a pacifist, dawg.

You need to listen to some Ram Dass.

- Hey!
- Aah!

No. f*cking stop.

Aah! Why did I choose color?

Come here, you.

Let's get out of here!

Get...

Matt, hurry up.

Get the f*ck out of my way.

I already gave you one, rice cake lady.

No. You're thinking
of the brown rice cake lady.

Yeah, exactly. That's you.

No, that was her.

I'm a white cake, you r*cist.

Uh, I mean, here, take as many
as your arms can carry.

Hey, we haven't gotten any yet.
This booth is unfair.

Come on, everyone. Royal Crackers sucks!

Royal Crackers sucks!

Settle down, everybody settle down.

Royal Crackers sucks!
Royal Crackers sucks!

Royal Crackers sucks!

Suck on this!

Mom, I thought that was only
for the presentation.

Hmm, those are good.

Well, isn't that a fun-looking toy?

Hey, buddy, how's it going?

You feel like no one values
your well-intentioned

but fatally flawed ideas?

Yeah. Me, too.

Oh, what? You want some of this?
Here you go.

Hey, that wasn't for you.

Do you have any idea
how much that meant to him?

It meant everything.

Get back here, you freakin' c*ck block.

Hey uh, is...

uh, Linda around?

Oh, Linda's my daughter.

Oh, you're Mrs. Nut.

You know, your daughter and I
had quite a thing

back in the day. She was my Primm-trimm.

Why has she not had sex with him yet?

Patience, Al.

The art of flirtation is a delicate dance.

Well, Linda doesn't live here anymore.

She's married.

Married? To who? Is he also a rock star
and one-time MTV Movie Award nominee

for best song in a movie teaser?

I don't believe so.
He owns a siding company.

Wow. I don't even know what that is.

Listen, I need
your daughter's address, ma'am.

Time is of the essence.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
I couldn't tell you that.

Listen, lady. If Hazelnut finds out

I came around looking for her
and she didn't get to see me,

she might k*ll herself.

Like, that's a legitimate fear I have
standing here right now.

My hands are actually
shaking thinking about it.

Look.

- Young man, I...
- Look, look, look, look.

See it?

Okay, I need to be getting back
to my husband now.

He's very sick.

Have a nice day.

Okay, have a nice day, ma'am.

What are you doing?

Stop it.

I'm sorry. But I have a process.

It's nuanced and personal.

Lunch break is over.

Hand me the cannon.

- It's not here.
- What happened?

Oh, my God.

Hey, Dennisons!

Oh, hey there, Deb.

A Pickle Biscuit for the Royal Duchess

of Crackershir... Ow.

Where's the cr*cker cannon, Ron?

It's missing, and I know you took it.

We need it for our presentation.
Give it back.

Is that the cool, little g*n
you were sh**ting over there?

Oh, raspberries.
It looked like so much fun.

Was just about to head over and ask you

to sh**t a big, hot load
right in my stupid wet mouth.

Hey, Dennison clan.

Sarah, Sebastian, Hailey,
twins, Gus, listen up.

Deb here, from Royal Crackers,

said they're missing something
from their booth.

Now, did anyone see it?

Well, there it is. Definitive proof.

Trust me, lying is the ultimate no-no
under the Dennison roof.

It's the kryptonite
to a foundation of trust.

Well, thank you for checking.

Good luck tonight!

Mmm. Why don't
we make crackers this good?

Why don't you go to boarding school?

Honey, those guys have been staring at us
for the last 15 minutes.

- Are you sure that's her?
- Oh, I'm sure alright.

Her return address
is right here on the corner

of this ugly card she sent her dad.

Man, it's like staring
into an alternate reality.

That could've been my house,
my yard, my kids.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...
I think this might be it for me.

The greatest love stories
have the twistiest turns, Theo.

Hands in, everyone.

Ah. Ooh. Careful.

Today I stand on the shoulders
of everyone in this car.

Thank you for being on
this journey with me today.

We love you, Theo.

Time to get my as*h*le wet.

Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are you doing, buddy?

Excuse me. Who are you?

Everyone relax. I'm not crazy.

- It's me, Theo.
- Who?

Theo Hornsby. From TainT?

- Stop acting like you don't know.
- Theo, what are you doing here?

- You know this guy?
- Hazelnut, listen to me now.

- Who's Hazelnut?
- Oh, God.

Today, I hacked into the computer network
of a local strip club,

I got the living sh*t beat
out of me by the manager,

I committed a federal offense
by stealing some dickhead's mail,

all to be standing here in front of you.

I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.

This is my son's birthday party.

- Get out of here.
- But I love you!

Buddy, I'm gonna knock you the f*ck out
if you don't walk out of here.

Okay, fine. I'm leaving, okay?

God, does everyone in this town
resolve everything with violence?

Shut up, you f*cking posers.

You know what? I'm glad we don't have kids

because it looks like your
uterus only produces assholes.

Ugh, come... come on.

- You have to lift the latch!
- What latch?

- There's a latch on the...
- Stop yelling at me!

Don't hit me. I'm going.

Oh, my God, just wait a second.
He's trying to open it for you.

Stuck. It's stuck.

Hazelnut!

Why?!

Now he's just got to stick the landing.

You know how I felt today?

I felt...

small.

But maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Sometimes small is good.

Just like Royal Crackers mini-bags.

So you can smile, you can
sit there looking happy,

just know that, one day, sooner or later,
we're all gonna die.

More importantly,
we're all gonna die alone.

Royal Crackers mini-bags.

When life makes you feel...

small.

Okay, that was Theo Hornsby Jr.
from Royal Crackers.

Uh, and, uh, now,
the moment you've all been waiting for,

please welcome to the stage
Dennison Snacks.

Whoo! Alright!

Let's go. Yeah! Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's up, cr*cker Con?

Yeah!

Give it up for all the
presentations you saw tonight.

And how good was that last one?

Before we introduce you

to some of Dennison Snacks'
newest products,

we want to fill those mouths
with some rockin' flavors.

I knew it.

Who wants some Dennison Cheese Puffs?

Those sons of b*tches.

Out of the way.

And I'll tell you something else.

Nothing's going to ruin tonight.

Uh-oh, Ron, you spoke too soon.

I hear the thunderous footsteps of...

- Snackersaurus.
- Snackersaurus?

The mythical creature who only likes
the most delicious snacks in the world?

I guess it would make sense that
he'd be at our presentation.

Whoa! Uh, hey, Snackersaurus,

I feel like your fire output settings
might be a little too high.

See, Ram Dass believes
that true enlightenment

comes when one's consciousness
transcends time.

But I, me, exists only in the now?

Turn the f*cking fire down!

Excuse me. I have an announcement to make.
Ron Dennison is a lying piece of sh*t.

He stole our cr*cker cannon.

Get out of my way, you f*cking loser.

Get out of my way, you fat b*tches.

Ma'am, we need to get off the st...

Don't call me Ma'am.

What am I, like five years older than you?

Oh, my God.

Theo, come on.

No. This is right.

This is how it ends.

This temporary feeling of
rejection is too much to bear.

Come on.

Take me, you son of a b*tch.

Put an end to this vicious
gauntlet of suffering.

See the path in the sky

Stand down, Snackersaurus.

You are no match for Captain cr*cker,

a trademarked intellectual property

of the Royal cr*cker Company.

Put it on the line, and I feel fine

Maybe you're mine

Supertime

Put it on the line, and I feel fine

Maybe you're mine

Supertime

You got to hold on

Oh, my God! Dad!

Stebe.

Supertime

Wait, Stebe, turn the f*ck
up to "Too Much."

Oh, yeah.

You got to hold on

You got to, you got to

I know the problem.

We need a snack with some real nuts.

You got to, got to, got to, got to hold on

You got to hold on

You got to

Hold on

You got to hold on

Stebe, I got to admit,

that was one hell of a presentation.

One question about Captain cr*cker...

is he taken?

He's married, but it's never stopped
him from having his fun.

Just ask the Indigenous women of Cracktus.

Okay, just... never mind.

Hazelnut, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what got into me today.

No, you were right. My life was a prison,

and now I'm free to be with the front man
of one of Matt Pinfield's

top five NuMetal bands of Bakersfield.

I knew when you touched my shoulder
you were trying to tell me something.

I was. I love you.

Yep, looks like everyone's going to bed
with wet assholes tonight.

You got to hold on

You got to, you got to

You got to hold on

You got to, got to, got to, got to hold on

You got to hold on