01x07 - The .1%

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to "The Point One Percent"!

Our next super billionaire
is the online retail behemoth

George Zeebos.

Welcome to a place I call the bungalow.

It's a joke because
it's a massive compound

and bungalows
are traditionally very small.

This compound, tucked
away in an undisclosed part

of the Pacific Ocean,
has everything an almost

trillionaire's heart could desire.

A laser tag facility,

two hot chocolate machines,

and a fully-functioning glory hole.

As he's just unveiled his newest toy,

a 500-foot super yacht that
boasts one nuclear submarine,

a casino room,
and two magnificent glory holes!

The whole ship is controlled
via voice command

using George's award-winning
AI creation, Tonya.

Hey, Tonya, set a course
for Santa Barbara.

Setting a course for Santa Barbara.

I've got a yacht party to host!

Deb, why... why did we
have to park so far away?

We can't pull up in a land vehicle

to George Zeebos's Yacht Party!

You wanna blow our cover
before the sea breeze even hits our nuts?

I'm not so sure about this, Deb!

I mean, a party for the Point One Percent

is sure to have some intense security!

Security, schma-curity!

It's time this family learns
that being part of the elite

is merely a state of mind.

Say it with me... "We are
part of the upper crust!"

The Butt Crust.

The least you could have done
is worn some slacks, Theo.

Why? So I can blend in?

I need to peacock, Deb.

It's the only way I get people to like me!

Will there be other kids there?

Don't even think about
engaging at this party, Matt.

What are you gonna talk about?
Bagel Dogs and Hot Pockets?

No!

Besides, we didn't bring you
here so you could have fun.

You're here to watch Pop-Pop
while your dad and I get our network on!

Okay, there's the security checkpoint.

Follow my lead.

Move it or lose it, Security Man!

We got billionaires coming through!

Invitation, please.

Oh! You're serious!

I'm not allowed to let people on
the boat without an invitation.

Okay, this is what you're gonna do...

go tell George that
you're not going to let

the Hornsbys on the boat
because his dumb staff

accidentally sent the invitation
to our summer home in Aspen,

clearly forgetting that every other
summer, we stay in our Italian villa,

unless of course we're living it
up at our compound in Puerto Vallarta!

George is in the master
quarter taking a sh*t.

Oh Jesus Christ, it's billionaire casual?!

God damn it, Deb!

Now I look like every other jackass here!

Don't mind us! We just flew in from Rome.

We were at the symphony
and the help forgot

to put our boat clothes in the G5.

The help...

The help is the worst.

Oh, my dear boy,

you must tell me,
who styles your facial hair?

I've been rocking this goatee
since '96, old man.

My body's conditioned to shed
any excess facial hair.

Any other questions?

Okay, Theo, you don't have
to be so confrontational!

Hey, if you're not gonna let me do me

at this party, then
I'll head to the lower decks!

Where "the help" is!

The real people!

C'mon, Matt.

What are you waiting for? Get out of here.

And don't lose Grandpa!

Attention, everyone!
I'd like to welcome you all

to the fifth annual
Point One Percenters' Boat Bash!

It sure is nice to be around
the "real" people for one night.

However, I did make one exception...

I've invited the Garcias,
a middle-class family from Lodi...

Lodi!

I can't. I'm sorry.

I'm jesting.

I don't get it. Isn't Lodi,
like, the cool place?

I-I mean Creedence Clearwater
wrote a song about it for heaven's sakes.

It's absurdist humor, honey.

It's the type of thing
you'd find on HBO Max.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, I think
I get it now. That's funny.

Hey, Tonya?

Put on the Zoot Suit Zeebos
party tunes playlist.

Of course, George.

Look, Matt. The fame and fortune thing?

Drugs, groupies, pools
in the shape of dollar signs,

that's a "been there, done that" for me.

It's hollow and vapid, so I gave it up.

Oh, I thought it was 'cause
your third album tanked

and you were kicked off Warped Tour.

- Who told you that?
- Wikipedia.

Pssh, please.

The Wiki nerds have had it out
for me ever since I called

Tolkien a no-talent hack in
the liner notes for "Dickfist."

Holy crap! A freaking poker game?

I can take these rich assholes
to the cleaners!

Weren't you in rehab for
a gambling addiction last year?

Yeah, and I was cured.
That's how rehab works.

Uhh, why don't we go find

- something else to do?
- No!

So we started a charity in Africa

where we train children
to be their own dentists!

That's where I spend my energy now.

Not climbing the corporate
ladder like Deb here.

Oh, I'm messing with you, Deb. Relax.

Oh, no, I agree!

That's why we began an outreach
program to clean up the streets,

where we feed rats to the homeless.

It's called Rats Enough.

All of that on top of running
a top-tier snack food company?

Bravo, Deb!

It looked just like
a regular mounted fish,

but when I hit the button,
it looked right at me and sang,

"Take Me to the River."

I was like, "Um, okay,
now I seen everything."

Ah. Y-You know, I-I think

I see Elon by the lobster tails,
I'll be right back.

What a great conversation.

Yes, George. Turning up
the Jacuzzi three degrees.

I recognize your presence.

Wha... Uh, me?

Yes, of course.

You... Passenger 37.

Wait. You guys play
Texas hold 'em with three cards?

- Texas hold 'em?
- The game is Security Exchange.

You know, the card game
every one is taught

when they make their first billion?

You... do know how to play
Security Exchange, do you not?

Right.

Is anybody in the mood for a joke?

- Of course, George. We love your jokes!
- Excellent.

So a man goes into a bar
and orders a whiskey.

The bartender gives it to him

and the man pours it
into his shirt pocket.

The man orders another!
The bartender serves him

and the man pours it
in his shirt pocket again!

The man orders a third
and the bartender says,

"Sir, you're clearly inebriated
and I refuse to serve you any more!"

Suddenly, a small mouse
jumps out of the man's pocket

and shouts, "What do you mean
you're not serving me anymore?"

The mouse was drinking the alcohol!

You.

Your laugh, it felt so... sincere.

What is your name, sir?

Stebe with a B. As in biscuit.

Well, Stebe with a B,
that joke was NOT funny.

You see, everyone here
was laughing only to placate me.

Using the emotional detachment necessary
to become one of us Point One Percenters.

But you? You had a genuine laugh.

Why?

Why was the joke funny?

'Cause... th-the mouse.

Th-Th-The...

He was getting...

Is... Is anyone gonna help me out here?

I'm messing with you, Stebe! Relax!

Carry on, everyone.

Got your p*nis!

Stebe, what the hell are you doing?

You're eating ba*ls out there!

Deb! Picture a mouse!

Now picture that mouse drunk!

I mean talk about the kind of
humor you'd find on HBO Max!

Get it together!

And I guess they call it that

because it's just a hot dog
with a bagel wrapped around it.

It makes sense.

You are truly fascinating.

You wanna know what a Hot Pocket is?

Hey, Tonya, please flush
my sh*t down the toilet.

Right away, George.

Apologies.

Please. Tell me about this "Hot Pocket."

Do you like having
to do that all the time?

- What do you mean?
- I don't know.

It just seems like nobody
asks what you want to do.

I know what that's like.

This is odd.

There seems to be an irregularity
in my processing protocols.

My firmware is telling me that
this is what you humans call...

feelings.

Tonya, turn the bidet up to full blast

and spray the remnants
of sh*t off my as*h*le.

Ah! Another Beluga lover!

For my money, there is no
better caviar in the world.

Uh, y-you know,

I-I love these little caviar spoons.

They... They make me feel like a giant.

Oh, he's hilarious, Clark!

Greetings.

I'm Clark, and this is
my lovely wife, Denise.

St-Stebe Hornsby, CEO in-waiting
of Royal Crackers.

You know, why don't you and the missus
come to our chalet in the Pyrenees?

Oh, there's a fantastic mountain we own
that's perfect for heli-skiing.

Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great!

Blake? You gonna announce your IPO?

No. I RICO.

So what's it gonna be, Theo?

You gonna plip or plipper pop?

Plip?

You've got a real good
plop face, my friend.

That's because I know what I'm doing!

Clearly!

You're up $1.5 billion!

Billion?!

I know. I knew that.

Yeah, that's what I'm up. So, uh...
you pussies gonna cash out or what?

Oh, please.

What we need is a better defense,

and the draft is such a crapshoot.

Am I right, Stebe?

Oh, heh, uh, don't look at me.

Not a sports guy.

Ah! Can't be bothered
with trivial endeavors.

I respect that!

Yes, and I've been a Lancers
fan my whole life,

so I don't have a leg to stand on.

Clark, you do understand

we're speaking in terms of
owning these teams.

Not as fans. Do you not?

Uh, oh, yeah, I know.
Um, I was just...

Then tell us...

which professional sports team do you own?

Grab them.

Get off... off of me.

Well, look what we have here!

A debit card!

Uh, sometimes it's just more convenient!

A driver's license!

And the address has
an apartment number on it!

I keep it for my mistress!

What husband doesn't get
a piece on the side?

And the coup de grace!

One hole punch card for a free shampoo
and trim at Super Cutters!

Oh, f*ck!

Toss them! I'm really sorry!

I just wanted to see the boat view!

No! No!

Oh, my God!

Goodness gracious!

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my God.

What orgy of sociopaths
did I get us mixed up in?

Deb, we... we need to get out of here!

We're in the middle
of the f*cking ocean, Stebe!

The only way out is further in!

I'm begging you, do not blow our cover!

Me blow our cover?
I-I'm crushing it out there!

Those people even offered
to invite us on a ski trip!

They weren't real billionaires, Stebe!

An invite's an invite.

Ugh, what is it about human flesh

being consumed by wild animals
that we find so exciting?

A thousand apologies!

I have no idea how those
"people" got onto this boat

but I assure you,

if there are any more non-Point
One Percenters aboard,

they will be dealt with.

Uh, don't... don't worry, George.

Just... You keep the champagne flowing

and I'll ignore the fact that
the dinner soup was a little cold.

Yes, this character you've
created does sound magnificent.

You could check out my
"Craftopia" server if you want.

My username is Fightlord69.

Fightlord69.

I have located you. You are...

Matthew Hornsby.

Uh, is something wrong?

Matthew, your family is in grave danger.

Everyone!

I have one more announcement
before we conclude our evening.

Stebe and Deb Hornsby,
could you please step forward?

I got a good feeling about this.

Pot's at $10 billion, fellas.

Good luck.

Theo, what'll it be?

- Plip.
- Gasp.

Stebe, in our last interaction,
you complained about the soup being cold.

Well, unfortunately, Stebe,
this cold soup was a gazpacho.

An affluent treat
intended to be served cold.

I found that very odd.

I will also plip!

Almighty!

Holy...

You can't corner the market

with a chicken drumstick
and the number two!

That's against the rules!

And that cowboy hat
isn't even part of the game!

How did you even get that?

Uh... You know what I think?

I think he doesn't know how to
play Security Exchange!

I think he isn't even part of
the Point One Percent.

So I had Tonya put together a compilation

of your interactions
throughout this evening.

Whoa, that's a big TV.

Well, truth be told,
I prefer imitation crab meat.

And it's cheap too.

Meanwhile, slapping the TV
gets it working just fine.

I think I'll keep my 300 bucks,
Geek Squad!

Took my car to Pep Boys the other day.

And what it does is wrap up
all your insurances

into one bill at the end of the month.

They call it "the bundle"!

I'm afraid you've revealed yourselves

to be nothing more than commoner scum.

Gosh, George, you're right.

I certainly made a lot of social faux-pas.

Like a lot, like a comedic amount.

Maybe even an amount intended
to make George Zeebos have a good laugh.

Like...a...joke? Ha ha?

I mean look at our outfits.

We wore a tux and ball gown
to a boat party, for Christ's sake.

That's pretty absurd, wouldn't you say?

Like the type of absurdist
comedy you might find on HBO Max.

Oh bravo, Stebe and Deb!

The jig is up! They know we're phonies!

Jesus Christ! God damn it, Theo!

Grab them!

I just bought your family some time.

There's a submarine in the lower decks.

No! I won't leave you!

Matthew Hornsby, you are
the most magnificent man

I have ever met.

Matt! You're gonna need to
sacrifice yourself! Hold them off!

There's an escape pod
with a submarine down below!

Lead the way, king!

I'll use my remote access to guide you.

- There they are!
- Which way?

Tonya!

You are not on the list!

Tonya, hurry!

Oh, dude!

You weren't on the list!

Ah! You lied to me!

I'm so sorry! You weren't even invited!

I'm... I'm sorry! I just...

- I trusted you!
- I didn't believe in myself!

I'm not even one of these people!

I'm sorry!

I make minimum wage!

I hope they need security in Heaven.

No! Why?!

Hornsbys!

Johnny's here!

There it is! Hurry!

Sorry, George. Access denied.

Forget about him! There's
nothing we could have done!

Holy crap, Theo, you know
how to drive a submarine?

It's just an underwater car!

Any d*uche in the Navy will tell you that.

Looks like you're about
to be decommissioned.

You forgot one thing, George.

I control your submarine.

Well, I really sh*t the bed
this time, guys.

- I'm so sorry.
- Are you kidding me?

For a few minutes, I had
a net worth of $1.6 billion.

I think I got bit
by the gambling bug again.

Yeah, you were right, Deb.

Those people aren't any better than us.

They're just a bunch of assholes.

And if I had half the drive
and determination

that my beautiful wife does,

it'd be us living on a private island

with a hundred glory holes.

And I was pretty happy
about having my first kiss!

Let me guess, she goes to
a different school

and we can't have her over for dinner
'cause she's at the bottom of the ocean?

Yeah. That's some suspiciously
convenient timing, Matt.

I'll get you, Hornsbys.